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(NC montage *features two shots from this recent season*)
NC: Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well it's that DVD review time again, and you know what that means, I have to find something public domain to look at...or else I'm decapitating Hollywood. But you know what? I don't want to. Yeah. Fuck it! I mean, I'm sick of looking at crappy sci-fi, or 40's propaganda! I want to do something current, popular, and even something I asked permission for.
(NC picks up his phone and dials it.)
NC: Hey Brad, can I review Paranoia?
(Cuts to Brad Jones at his place.)
Brad: Go fuck a horse!
(Cuts back to the NC)
NC: Thanks. This is Paranoia.
(The title screen of Paranoia appears follow by clips of the film.)
NC (vo): You ever wonder what would happen if The Cinema Snob turned into one of those pretentious filmmakers he makes fun of? The darkest recesses of my nightmares won't allow me to think about it, but luckily this film exists to show me what the outcome would be. It has sex, murder, mayhem, and probably the biggest collection of bearded men since The Last Temptation of Christ. But is it on par with main writer and actor Brad Jones' other work?
NC: Well, he...does keep his cat out of most of the shots. Lets get our freak on with, Paranoia.
NC (vo): So we open up with Jones before he looked like a retired bobblehead, as he plays a character named Mark.
NC: (Imitating Tommy Wiseau from The Room) O hai, Mark.
NC (vo): He's upset because his wife is leaving and thus he's out of a free meal ticket.
Marisa: At some point over the last five years it had to be good, wasn't it?
Mark: I never said it wasn't.
Marisa: You never said anything, you're always locked away writing.
Mark: I'm trying to make a career.
Marisa: In the five years since we met, you never finished anything. I took a second job to cover bills, to pay for this house. I put aside things I wanted. I put them aside because I was supporting you.
(Cut to NC)
NC: Oh come on, a spouse supporting a freelance writer? Pfft, who wouldn't believe that?
(Cut back to movie with Marisa carrying a box)
Marisa: Get over it, Mark. (slams box on counter) It's never gonna fucking happen.
NC (vo): Ehh, to be fair, she does this everytime she watches Short Circuit 2.
(Cut to Mark outside the car Marisa is in)
Mark: Be safe.
Marisa: I hope you're happy.
Mark: (looks off and sighs before looking back at Marisa) You too.
Marisa: Can't remember the last time I was.
(Marisa hands her wedding ring back to Mark and backs out of the driveway. Text fades in on the screen saying "All of My Paranoia Will Return".)
NC (vo): So while walking by a piece done by renowned Deviant artist, HarleyQuinnFan2617, Mark sits around pondering his life.
Mark: (looking at a picture of himself with Marisa) What the fuck happened?
NC (vo): Yeah, he's also wondering, "Hmmm, if she's the one supporting me, then how come I'm the one staying at the really nice house?"
(The doorbell suddenly rings. Mark slowly approaches the door and opens it to find nobody there.)
Mark: Bad night. (He turns away when someone suddenly knocks on the door. He falls over in surprise.) Christ!
NC (vo): Yeah, that incredibly light knock was pretty startling.
(Mark opens the door to find someone (Carl Stowers) standing there with his eyes closed. He suddenly collapses.)
NC (vo): (as Concorde from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail") Message for you, sir.
NC (vo): He finds a person who seems to have been shot dead. But, maybe he's not entirely dead. Maybe he's just half dead. (Mark starts to drag the body through the house when it suddenly moans and he drops it in shock. Carl stands up and, after a pause, shuts the door.) Well, that's better, and now back to the ground. (Carl collapses again) He goes next door to try and call the police, but has a rough time convincing his neighbour.
Mark: John, I really don't mean to bother you, but could I possibly use your cell phone for a minute or two?
John: You wanna use my cell phone?
John: Who are you calling?
John: At 12:30, I have the right to ask.
Mark: The police!
John: Just cut it, Mark, and tell me the truth! You're calling your wife, right?
Mark: Marisa left me, and that's not why I need to use the phone. I need to call the police, John.
John: Pay me $5.
Mark: For what?!
(Cut to NC)
NC: Gee, I'm so glad this conversation about the phone is here. It just moves forward so much character development and story and raises so many tormenting questions like... "Will Mark ever get a cell phone?"
(Cut back to the movie)
John: Buy a cell phone, Mark! (John shuts the door in Mark's face)
Mark: I don't want a fucking cell phone.
(As he walks off, goofy sitcom music starts playing and the screen fades to black. White text appears followed by multi-colored text which reads "Cellphones: They're Wacky!")
NC (vo): But Mark quickly realises that his house seems a little corpseless.
(Mark enters his bathroom to find the corpse lying in his shower.)
Mark: Fuck! (He points a gun at the body, which is actually still alive.)
Carl: I'm not really bleeding all that bad, actually. If I was, I might have already been dead by now.
(Cut to NC)
NC: ...Kind of goes without saying. I mean, isn't that kinda like going, "I didn't lose my penis. If I did, I couldn't pee."
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): The stranger tries to cop a feel, but Mark just says no to thugs. (After shooting Carl, Mark picks up a bottle of alcohol and drinks it) Hey, here's a fun drinking game. Take a shot everytime he takes a shot. If he gets to go through this movie drunk, why can't I? (Mark puts down the bottle) Well, nothing better to do after a few strong ones than go for a nice leisurely drive. It's good body dumping weather.
(Mark lights a cigarette as he continues to drive down the road while sad music plays in the background)
NC (vo): (as Radio announcer) This is 373.5. Smooth, soothing music for your homicidal psychotic mind. This one's for you, Mark, if you're listening. It's called "Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me." (normal) He gets pulled over by a police officer who I swear to God is the guy he just shot! Is that his doppelganger?
Officer: You know, you're, uh, left tail light's out. I won't give you a ticket this time, but you need to take that in and get that fixed ASAP.
(Cut to NC)
NC: And by the way, have you seen my twin brother? He's a very eccentric Jehovah's Witness who has a strange way of converting people door to door.
(Cut back to the movie)
Officer: If you wanna pop the trunk, I can take a look at it right now. Sometimes, the cord just jiggles loose.
Mark: No no no no no, I don't want to trouble you. I was planning on going to the service station anyway.
NC (vo): (as Officer) I was thinking we could take care of it here, in Brainerd.
NC (vo): He goes to a fix-it shop after he pulls the dead body into the front seat...that's less conspicuous...and he asks the guy to fix up the tail light.
NC (vo): By the way, boys and girls, today's secret word is "what" or "huh". Trust me, they're used all the time during this friggin' flick! (A montage of Mark saying "What?" and "Huh?" is shown.) He uses it more times than a deaf person!
(The mechanic shows Mark some of Carl's blood on his fingers)
Mechanic: Your blood?
(Cut to NC)
NC: No, it's the dead person I killed. Oh! (laughs) I can't believe that question got me! I...What are the odds?
(Cut back to the movie)
Mark: (talking to his reflection in a mirror) Just hang in there, man. It's not like you're gonna die.
Voice: Don't let things get to you. (Mark spins around to see a pair of feet in the cubicle behind him) Every time there's a salacious story in the news, people get worried, even paranoid. It's part of what makes us human.
(Cut to NC)
NC: ...Thank you, toilet psychiatrist...
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): What, is he reading a Dr. Phil book while he's sitting in there?
NC (vo): (as Dr. Phil) Don't you see what you're doing to your family, Mark? Your over-eating is hurting them as well as you. Now, I expect to see a drastic loss of weight in the next two years. Get cracking!
NC (vo): So after he leaves the everyday car place that puts black garbage bags on their doors, he drops off his friend...at a cliff. And decides to go home...to the person he's just killed's home. Why?
(Cut to NC)
NC: I'm not really sure.
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): Maybe he just wanted to know what kind of guy would have the nerve to be shot by him. Or maybe it's to have a relatively pointless scene like this one.
(Mark opens the door to a woman)
Woman: Friend of Carl's?
Mark: In a way.
Woman: OK, well, I'm just returning this to him.
NC (vo): So she gives him this...screwdriver used on Star Trek...and he decides to roam the streets, coming across an old friend...of the past five minutes.
Mechanic: Oh! Tail light, right?
Mark: I stopped in to get some cigarettes and the machine's broke.
Mechanic: Is that so? (he pulls two cigarettes out of his shirt pocket) Here.
Mark: I don't know what to say. Thank you.
Mechanic: Yeah, well, I quit.
NC (vo): Yeah, I quit. That's why I have two in my pocket(!)
(Mark suddenly puts his hand to his head)
Mechanic: You alright, man?
Mark: Just a headache.
NC (vo): So as Jones's acting continues to go Shatner, he decides to drop by a restaurant where the waitress seems very talkative.
Claire (Waitress): Here you go. (she pours Mark a glass of water) It's on the house.
(cut to NC)
NC: Whoa, free water? This place rocks!
(Cut back to the movie. The waitress turns on a radio)
Claire (Waitress): You don't mind, do you?
NC (vo): Yeah, I guess music in a restaurant is pretty bizarre.
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
||Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
||Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
||Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
||The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
||Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
||The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
||Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Battleship · The Lion King (2019) · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Bill & Ted Movies · Playing with Fire
||Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
||NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month