|
Pan
| |
|
| |
|
Release Date
|
February 2, 2022
|
|
Running Time
|
29:54
|
|
Previous Review
|
|
|
Next Review
|
|
|
Link
|
|
|
Video
|
 |
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the title sequence. Open on a CG pirate ship flying through the air. A pirate captain, apparently a parody of Blackbeard from Pan (played by Doug), oversees miners played by Tamara and Malcolm.)
Pirate Captain: Good morning, Never Had!
Female Miner: Uh, don't you mean "Neverland"?
Pirate Captain: Does it sound like something you would recognize?
Female Miner: I guess.
Pirate Captain: Then that means you will probably check it out!
Male Miner: So which is it?
Pirate Captain: I don't care anymore.
Male Miner: All right.
Pirate Captain: As captain of the S.S. Hollywood, I, Captain Hackbeard, demand that you dig faster.
Female Miner: Uh, we'd work faster if we knew what we were digging.
Hackbeard: Fool!
Female Miner: You're a fool.
Hackbeard: You are in the world of Never Had, a world filled with classic stories that have never had a reboot.
Male Miner: Isn't that a good thing, though?
Hackbeard: Fool!
Female Miner: There's other insults than "fool".
Hackbeard: There are stories everybody enjoys, so you are more likely to see our reimagining of them.
Male Miner: And...how would you reimagine them?
Hackbeard: Nothing like the original!
Male Miner: So why would we see that?
Hackbeard: Mind your own business.
Male Miner: Sorry, just asking.
Hackbeard: No, literally, mine your business. Keep digging for more business, or I'll kill you.
Male Miner: Oh, right.
(The female miner holds up a copy of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" while Malcolm mines.)
Female Miner: Hey, I found an Alice in Wonderland!
Hackbeard: No, Burton already destroyed (The poster for that movie is briefly displayed.) that one.
(The male miner holds up a copy of "Doctor Dolittle".)
Male Miner: How about Doctor Dolittle?
Hackbeard: No, that got (The posters for both the Eddie Murphy movie and Dolittle are shown.) reimagined twice.
(The female miner holds up a copy of "Hansel and Gretel".)
Female Miner: What about Hansel and Gretel?
Hackbeard: Horror films have (Posters for Hansel and Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Gretel & Hansel, and Hansel V Gretel are shown.) weirdly been rebooting that a lot.
(Something catches the male miner's eye and he picks it up.)
Male Miner: Ooh! How about Peter Pan?
Hackbeard: Hmm, there's been...
(Posters are shown for the following: Hook, the 2003 movie, and Fox's Peter Pan and the Pirates.)
Hackbeard (vo): ...sequels, remakes, TV spin-offs...
Hackbeard: ...but never a terrible reimagining. (The poster for The Lost Boys is shown.) Well, not a terrible one. Anyway, it's perfect!
Male Miner: Nice! Can I get a raise?
Hackbeard: Do I have to?
Male Miner: I...guess...not.
Hackbeard: (waves dismissively) Then I'll pass. Keep digging!
(Hackbeard leaves as the man looks up in disappointment.)
Female Miner: Sheesh! Why doesn't he come up with his own ideas?
(Inside the S.S. Hollywood cabin, Hackbeard surveys the area before removing his wig, revealing a gray beard and sickly appearance.)
Hackbeard: Little do they know that the S.S. Hollywood is plum out of ideas. I'm withering away with lack of originality!
(As he breaks down, his phone rings and he checks on it.)
Hackbeard: Disney wants live-action versions of their DVD sequels! I'M SAVED!!!
(Meanwhile, back at the mine, the male miner continues to dig, while the female miner looks directly into the camera.)
Woman: By the way, none of this has anything to do with the movie Pan.
(The movie's title is shown, followed by footage of the movie.)
NC (vo): Released in 2015 and directed by... (Posters for films directed by Joe Wright are superimposed: Pride and Prejudice, Darkest Hour, Atonement, and The Woman in the Window.) the perfect person to do a Peter Pan movie...Pan was an attempt to retell the story about the boy who never grew up, to a point where it's actually hard to even recognize it as "Peter Pan". It's a prequel, I guess, but someone forgot to tell them prequels are supposed to explain how things came to be, not raise more questions. This is a movie where people in Never Land sing Nirvana, and it's never explained why. There's balls of oceans in the clouds, and it's never explained why. Nuns hand over children to pirates! Wait, I'm pretty sure that one's in (An image of the following is inserted...) the Bible. You get the point, though. It's not like the story of "Peter Pan" had to explain everything, but it was consistent. Nothing about this is consistent with the original story. I actually argue it has more things not in common with "Peter Pan" than it does in common. With that said, even if it was its own story, it still wouldn't be that great. The characters are bland, the story is stale, and outside of a few visuals, it's surprisingly not that interesting. The best way to see what went wrong is to dive in and take a closer look.
NC: This is The Pan. I mean, Pan! Sorry, I thought this was a DC reboot.
(As NC speaks above, the posters for The Suicide Squad (2021) and The Batman are shown to both sides of NC. Then the movie proper begins on a foggy night in Kensington Gardens, where a mysterious figure climbs over the locked gates and runs through.)
NC (vo): The film opens with a narration making it clear this isn't the story you thought you knew.
Narrator: Because sometimes, friends begin as enemies, and enemies begin as friends.
NC: That's a nice Braveheart intro way of saying, "We're just doing whatever the hell we want."
NC (vo): And I honestly wouldn't even mind if it was a more interesting story at its core, but it starts off with Peter's mother, a resident of Neverland, dropping off Peter at an orphanage, where – tell me if you've heard this one – they're a bunch of a-holes!
(As Peter and the orphans labor, the abusive nun, Mother Barnabas, torments them.)
Mother Barnabas (Kathy Burke): You may reflect on your festering souls. Your souls that fester as do the leaves.
(She stuffs a donut in her mouth and shows it off to the orphans with a snort before leaving.)
NC: (amused) That nun clearly thought that looked more badass than it did.
(The scene replays briefly, with the poster for Nuns on the Run being added in.)
NC (vo): The "lunchtime for Robbie Coltrane from Nuns on the Run" look I don't think is gonna catch on.
Peter: (to a fellow orphan) How much you want to be she's sneaking on all the rations?
NC (vo): Peter is played by Levi Miller, who sadly (The poster for A Wrinkle in Time is inserted.) does not have the best track record for picking movies.
NC: The even sadder thing is, if you've seen him in movies like (The poster for the following is displayed off to the side...) Better Watch Out, you know he's an amazing actor!
NC (vo): And he does totally fine here, but he's always shoehorned into these generic "nice boy" roles.
NC: And that's the number one problem: Peter Pan is not a nice boy.
(A montage of shots of Peter in various other forms of media is shown, including the Disney animated film, the 2003 film, the Once Upon a Time series (where he is portrayed as out-and-out evil), and the Peter Pan and the Pirates series.)
NC (vo): He's a dick, he's a brat, he's a cocky smartass who literally won't grow up! He gets a thrill out of killing people. In the show Once Upon a Time, they actually portray him as a psychopath! There is literally a syndrome named after him!
(Cut back to Pan.)
NC (vo): None of that is in this portrayal. He's nice, he likes helping people, and only breaks the rules if it's for the greater good.
(Cut to a clip of Hot Fuzz.)
NWA members: The greater good.
NC: I wish (points to an image of the NWA members in the corner) it was like that!
NC (vo): For example, he assumes the nuns are stealing food rations, so they sneak into the storage rooms to see if they can prove it. He plays "Got Your Nose" with a Virgin Mary, resulting in a kid getting swallowed up by a trap door.
NC: (shakes head) I'm just gonna do a count of things I didn't think I'd say in a "Peter Pan" reboot.
(As he speaks, the words "THINGS I DIDN'T THINK I'D SAY IN A PETER PAN REBOOT" pop up to a ding, along with an image of the Disney version of the character (who looks rather confused) and the number 1.)
NC (vo): And they discover a bunch of hidden food, as well as the letter his mother left when he was abandoned.
(However, Peter gets caught and is brought before Mother Barnabas.)
Mother Barnabas: Every little orphan dreams he's special. You're not special, Peter. (tears up letter) You're not even special in your own way.
NC: (as Mother Barnabas) May a fantastic assortment of magical circumstances prove me wrong!
NC (vo): Later that night, they sneak out to make a fart joke...
(A flatulence sound is heard, followed by one of the orphans reacting in disgust.)
Orphan: Cool! Who guffed one? Nibsy?
Peter: Never.
NC: (shakes head) Ten-year-old me would have loved a version of "Peter Pan" with farts in it. Why is this so underwhelming?
(The flagpole in the main courtyard of the orphanage clearly has the Jolly Roger flag flying from it.)
NC (vo): ...when it looks like – get this – the nuns are selling the orphans to pirates!
(Again, the "Things I Never Thought I'd Say In a Peter Pan Reboot" message pops up, Disney Peter Pan and all, but this time with the number 2 added.)
NC: Okay, there is a part of me that loves I get to say, "That's a twist in a movie."
NC (vo): But man, of all the rotten luck! The mother is looking for a place to keep her son safe from pirates, and she drops him off at the one orphanage that literally delivers them like Amazon packages! That's like the mother of...
(Cut to an image of Nibbles at Jerry Mouse's doorstep.)
NC (vo): ...Nibbles the mouse dropping him off at...
(Cut to an image of...)
NC (vo): ...a cat café!
(Cut back to Pan.)
NC (vo): Just what are the chances?!
(As Peter tries to flee, Mother Barnabas bursts into the room, brandishing a broom.)
Mother Barnabas: GOODBYE, PETER!!
(Before he knows it, she kicks Peter back into the room, where he is captured, along with the rest of the orphans, by pirates.)
NC (vo; as Mother Barnabas): Tell them Motherfucker Superior sent ya!
(The pirate ship is actually hovering in midair above the orphanage, with the pirates climbing down on ropes to grab the children. Now Peter is on the ship, too.)
Bosun: PREPARE TO SET SAIL!
(The ship rises into the sky and takes off.)
NC (vo): Peter is kidnapped aboard a flying pirate ship... Lord knows we haven't seen (Posters for Return to Neverland and Hook are inserted.) that setup in a "Peter Pan" spinoff yet! ...and London's blondest air force are on the job.
(As one of the members of the Royal Air Force, which apparently is comprised entirely of blonde women, places a model of the pirate ship on the map, we cut back to the pirate ship.)
Pirate: FIRE!
(The pirates fire their cannons at the surrounding area while searchlights fill the sky. As a train goes over some tracks, we cut inside to see a little boy playing with a toy plane. As the train goes over a trestle, the pirate ship flies underneath it.)
NC (vo): So, this is going to sound odd, because it's usually the other way around, but whenever a character is sitting down, exploring who they are, the movie's usually pretty bad.
NC: But, whenever an...
(In the movie, Spitfires chase after and fire at the flying pirate ship, which fires back.)
NC (vo): ...action sequence occurs...
NC: ...it's surprisingly a lot of fun!
NC (vo): This is especially weird, because this director (A series of posters of movies directed by Joe Wright are inserted: Pride and Prejudice (with Keira Knightley), Darkest Hour, Atonement, and The Woman in the Window.) specializes in dialogue-heavy films for adults. Yet, for whatever reason, those scenes suck here, and the adventure sequences really kick ass.
(Cut to a brief clip of Return to Neverland, showing Captain Hook's flying ship running into a wave of Spitfires as it flies into the sky.)
NC (vo): Yeah, they ran into planes in Return to Neverland...
(Cut back to Pan.)
NC (vo): ...but they didn't open fire on each other!
(One plane fires at the pirate ship, but the ship raises its sails, lifting the ship out of reach. The plane accidentally fires at another plane.)
NC: (shakes head) Gotta feel bad for the pilots who were immediately fired after they reported what they saw.
(Cut to a shot of a hallway, with doors closed.)
Pilot: (inside door, voice muffled) It was a bloody pirate ship!
Superior: (also inside door, voice muffled) Kindly resign after you give me what you're drinking.
(Cut back to the movie.)
NC (vo): They then fly into space, where gravity vanishes, planets are the size of basketballs, and lakes are floating spheres of water.
NC: I think that consummates a "Whaaaat?".
(The scene is shown, once again with the "Things I Didn't Think I'd Say In a Peter Pan Reboot" message and image of Disney's Peter Pan, and the number 3 next to it.)
NC (vo): Okay, it looks really neat, I'm not gonna diss it, but the crotch shot, on the other hand...
(Peter is tossed into the air and lands hard on some ropes – right in between his legs. He groans in pain before falling off.)
NC (vo): Well, now we know why part of him never grew up.
(Now the ship reaches another planet, presumably Neverland, which resembles less of an island than a rocky mountain.)
NC (vo): I'll also question this next scene where they arrive in Neverland, and everyone's singing a familiar tune...
(As the ship arrives at a mine in the side of the mountain, a group of boys and pirates, all holding mining equipment, are shown singing, of all things, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana.)
Group: (singing) Hello, hello, hello, how low? / With the lights out, it's less dangerous / Here we are now...
NC: (holds up both hands) Okay, maybe it's this...
NC (vo): Time is played around a lot in Neverland, so maybe someone brought that song back with them when they briefly visited...the '90s.
NC: I'll even say, in Hook, the idea was...
(A shot of the Lost Boys in Hook is shown.)
NC (vo): ...every Lost Boy was supposed to be from a different decade, which explains their different clothes.
(Cut to a shot of Rufio.)
NC (vo): Even Rufio is technically supposed to be from the '80s.
(Cut back to Pan.)
NC (vo): But while that's a nice touch if you really pay attention, this would be like (A shot of Rick Astley with Rufio's head is inserted.) Rufio Rickrolling the pirates. You can't just slip that in and expect everyone to follow along!
(Everyone kneels, except Peter, who remains standing.)
Bosun: (to Peter) Kneel!
Peter: I don't kneel to anyone!
NC (vo; as bosun): You will kneel to out-of-context Nirvana!
(Then we see why everyone was kneeling. Who should appear before everyone but the feared pirate Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman).)
Blackbeard: (also singing) And I forget, just why I taste...
NC (vo): We're introduced to Captain Blackbeard, played by Hugh Jackman, and I feel like his performance is similar to when Nicholas Cage (A shot of Edward Malus from The Wicker Man (in his bear suit) is inserted.) said, "You don't punch a woman in a bear suit without realizing you're in something absurd." Jackman gives the performance a pirate singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on a flying ship, flashing the crowd with his Dunkaroos would give.
(As NC speaks, we once again are shown the "Things I Didn't Think I Would Say In a Peter Pan Reboot" message, with the number 4.)
Blackbeard: I have sprung from life's cruel dungeon and hereby grant you (raises fist in the air dramatically) LIBERTYYYYYYY!!!
(The crowd cheers.)
NC: Right now, Eddie Redmayne is high as a kite...
(A shot of Redmayne as Balem Abrasax (in Jupiter Ascending) is shown alongside Blackbeard.)
NC (vo): ...watching this movie and reading the script for Jupiter Ascending, going...
NC: (as Redmayne) Ehh...?
(He pretends to read an invisible script with his mouth wide open and glancing back and forth toward the camera.)
Blackbeard: My laws are so simple, you could write them on a pig's ear. In fact... (holds up a pig's ear) I have.
(One of the pirates laughs.)
NC (vo): Thank you, Kevin Eubanks.
Blackbeard: For this, my poppets, is a land of opportunity!
NC (vo): It looks like he kidnaps children to dig in the mines of Neverland to find fairy dust. Blackbeard uses the fairy dust to stay younger and...presumably make hand sanitzer...?
(The "Things I Didn't Think I Would Say In a Peter Pan Reboot" message pops up yet again, with the number 5. Blackbeard is seen squirting something onto his hands and rubs them together. Peter looks on with a rather sickly expression his face.)
Blackbeard: I know no pity.
NC: Children, Nirvana, and COVID – those were our biggest exports to Second Star on the Right!
NC (vo): I swear there's exactly two seconds where Jackman loses his mind and questions what the hell he's doing.
Blackbeard: Help yourselves to lots and lots of jolly old fun!
(The camera then zooms in on him as a timer suddenly appears and counts down from two seconds to zero as he suddenly smiles and laughs while looking away, before turning back to everyone sharply.)
Blackbeard: Hey, kiddiewinks!
NC: (pointing at camera) You saw it – he cracked!
NC (vo): We're introduced to Smee, played by Adeel Akhtar, who, while certainly doesn't look the part, he definitely has the character down.
Peter: (to Smee) What does he want it for?
Smee (Akhtar): No one knows. No one's allowed... (laughs) Well, you best not dwell on it.
NC (vo): Which is a lot more than I can say about Hook, played by Garrett Hedlund, who plays him more as a Southern cowboy than a British swashbuckler. Why? Because you demand it, I don't know!
James Hook (Hedlund): It's Hook. The name's James Hook. / I don't care about you. I'm not your friend. / Someday, not today! Get out!
NC (vo): I think (An image of the following is shown in the corner...) Rango is more intimidating than you.
(In the mine, Peter finds a bright glowing green gem, but a pirate snatches it away.)
Pirate: I found something!
Peter: That's mine!
NC (vo): Peter finds some fairy dust, but a pirate tries to claim he found it on his own. Causing trouble, Peter is immediately taken to be executed.
Everyone, including Blackbeard: Hey! Ho! Let's go! Hey! Ho!
NC (vo): The Ramones...
NC: ...also firing their copyright lawyers now.
NC (vo): Just a heads-up: this movie's PG for action, language, and yeeting children to their goddamn graves!
(Blackbeard jumps on the plank one boy is standing on to bounce him off and finish the job. He falls off as everyone cheers his impending doom. NC looks at a weather app on his phone.)
NC: Ah, how about that?
(We are shown an image of his phone, which shows an image of Peter, along with a weather report calling for a 40% chance of "Raining Kids Praying to God".)
NC: The forecast was actually right for a change.
(We cut to Blackbeard standing on the edge of the plank Peter is on.)
Blackbeard: Shall you have mercy for the willful child?
(In response, the crowd hold up their thumbs, then point them down.)
NC (vo; as Blackbeard): Oh, one million downvotes! You have been ratioed!
(Blackbeard kicks Peter off the plank to his doom. But he suddenly stops falling and hovers in midair, much to his confusion and the confusion of everyone else.)
NC (vo): Peter appears to be flying, as understandably, Blackbeard wants to figure out why.
(Peter is brought to Blackbeard's cabin.)
Blackbeard: Neverland is a dream from which you never wake. Your sleep is so heavy, so deep.
NC (vo): What's even harder to understand, though, is why he keeps altering his performance.
(Cut to a shot of Jack Nicholson as the Joker.)
NC (vo): Sure, we've seen over-the-top acting like this...
(Cut to a shot of Al Pacino as Michael Corleone in the Godfather series of movies.)
NC (vo): ...where it goes back and forth between being big and loud and soft and dainty.
(Cut to a shot of Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook in, well, Hook.)
NC (vo): Even Hoffman's Hook seemed to enjoyably flip-flop like this. But where Hoffman still gave us a consistent character...
(Cut back to Blackbeard.)
NC (vo): ...Jackman seems like two completely different people.
Blackbeard: (soft and dainty) ...assure me all will be well given the proper time. (suddenly yelling at the top of his lungs) THERE IS NO TIME!!!!
(Cut to another scene, showing an older Blackbeard.)
Blackbeard: ...WHEN I'M AT THE REJUVENATION!!!
(He throws his sword at the door, just as one of his crewman opens it. He then opens the door, now looking normal (i.e., younger) again.)
Blackbeard: (calmly) Yes?
NC (vo): It's almost like he had two different directors each day.
Blackbeard: (softly and slowly) ...drowning in the soft, black sea.
NC: (as director) Very good, Jackman. Now see if you can find the...
NC (vo): ...subtle humanity buried deep inside...
(As we cut back to NC, he is interrupted by a bell ringing.)
NC: (as director) Oh, my time is up.
(He gets up and leaves, then returns wearing the Mad Hatter's hat and wig (as worn by Johnny Depp).)
NC: (as new director, hyperactively) ALL RIGHT, JACKMAN! YOU WANT TO BE LIKE... (makes sputtering noises)
(In the movie, Blackbeard speaks very fast gibberish.)
NC: (as new director) DO THAT!
NC (vo): So, what's the reason Peter can fly and no one else can?
Blackbeard: The prophecy tells of a boy...
(The audience is heard booing.)
NC: Oh, come on! (cups his hands over his mouth) BOOOOO!
NC (vo; resignedly): Yeah, it's a chosen one prophecy story. Not that these can't work, but it doesn't look like anything new is added to it, and... (The cover of the original "Peter Pan" novel is inserted.) It's already from a classic story. Why are you trying to combine tropes that don't go together?
(Cut to an image of the Boy Who Cried Wolf.)
NC (vo): It'd be like teaching "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", but (An image of the following pops up...) The Lorax pops out to tell you about trees.
(Cut back to Pan.)
NC (vo): You're fine in the lane you're in!
Blackbeard: (whispering) Have you come to kill me, Peter?
NC (vo): So Blackbeard knows that Peter is the one who's going to defeat him. Better kill the little–
(Blackbeard doesn't kill Peter, however. Instead, he locks him in a prison.)
NC (vo): Lock him up, I guess. And of course, his cellmate is...who else?
James Hook: (to Peter) Put your ear to that wall over there. (Peter does so.) Now, that's the sound of a blast cap set to go off in thirty seconds.
Peter: If I fly, you'll help me...
NC: (incredulously) Did you miss the "thirty seconds" part? I don't care if he said "five minutes"; I would move the hell away from there!
(Peter doesn't move away as he stares into a hole where the blast is going to take place.)
NC (vo): Funny enough, it does literally blow up in his face, but it doesn't even scratch him.
Hook: We have a deal! Just–
(The explosion then goes off and throws Peter against the bars of his cell. He clings there, gasping for breath, but is otherwise not hurt at all.)
NC: (looks behind himself; as Peter) Well, my spine is completely melted. Onward to adventure!
(We go to commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes as Peter and Hook escape the mine.)
NC (vo): While trying to help Peter escape, Hook naturally gets the help of Smee. To match the inconsistency of the film, the visual style goes back and forth between being amazing and underwhelming. Sometimes, it's awe-inspiring and amazingly colorful; other times, it's pretty bland to look at. But I will say, it is always a giant-looking production. If it's going to look colorful, it's going to look massively colorful, and if it's going to be bland, it's going to be massively bland. (The word "MEH-SIVE" pops up in yellow.) Meh-sive, if you will.
(Peter, Hook and Smee steal another flying ship and take off in it.)
NC (vo): Where, again, the action is really inspired, the dialogue is anything but. They actually use this line...
Peter: (to Hook) Do you know how to work a ship?
Hook: How hard could it be?
(Cut to black, as a message pops up: "The Gang Finds it's Hard to Work a Ship". All the while, "Temptation Sensation" (the theme for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) plays in the background. Then the movie resumes.)
NC (vo): They manage to steal a ship and escape, but there's some debate about where they're going.
Hook: We're getting the heck off this island!
Peter: You said we'd find my mother!
NC (vo; as Hook): Well, I'm going back to Tex-Ar-Kentucky!
(The ship flies toward a forest. Everyone screams. Then we cut back to Blackbeard, who learns that some of his prisoners have escaped.)
NC (vo): Blackbeard is told about losing Peter and...you ever wonder where the term "lost boy" came from? No? Well, it's gonna suck anyway.
Bosun: (to Blackbeard) The stolen ship went down in the Neverwood.
Blackbeard: So the boy is lost?
Bosun: Yes, sir, he is a lost boy.
(As we cut back to NC, we see a shot of Will Smith in the corner, with Peter Pan (the Disney version)'s hair and hat.)
NC (vo; as Will Smith): So that's it? What, we some kind of lost boys? (looks confused)
NC (vo): The ship crashes, and while trying to figure out where to go, Hook sees if he can break his neck stretching it out like a Southern spitting peacock.
(A montage of scenes of Hook is shown, all with his neck twisted around in some awkward way.)
Hook: They haven't got a ship. / And I don't plan to! / They think you're their Messiah. / Sorry if I did something wrong! / Boy, those crocs can jump! / ...that you're here to liberate them. / So help me do that.
NC: He's acting more like Jack...
NC (vo): ...Palin's limboing backwards...
NC: ...than anything like Captain Hook!
(A red feather, obviously CG-rendered, floats down to the ground.)
NC (vo; scoffs): What a fake-looking feather. Well, we've seen the worst effect in the mo–
(Not so fast, NC, as we then shown where the feather came from: an even more obviously CG-rendered giant bird with colorful feathers that appears and squawks loudly at the group. Peter, Hook and Smee flee, only to run into another painfully CG-rendered bird.)
NC (vo): Oh, I'm sorry!
NC: Are the makers of Foodfight! handling Sesame Street now?!
NC (vo): Holy shit, is that bad! I know you're not a "living thing" movie, with, like, a consciousness or anything, but...oh, I'm still embarrassed for you.
(Two of the birds capture Hook and Smee, and a third advances on Peter, squawking loudly.)
NC: When Labyrinth's (gestures to his side with his thumb, bringing an image of the Fire Gang from Labyrinth) Fraggle-sauruses are laughing at you, you know you've got a problem. (nods)
NC (vo): Yep, don't think it can get any worse than–
(It can indeed, as we then meet a native girl dressed in colorful attire, played by Rooney Mara.)
NC (vo): Oh, this is Tiger Lily.
(The "Things I Didn't Think I Would Say In a Peter Pan Reboot" message pops up yet again, with the number 6.)
Hook: (to Tiger Lily) We come in (holds up hand) peeeeaaaaaccccce!
NC: You're really not helping. (nods)
NC (vo): Okay, before you go completely (A shot of Jackie Chan appears in the corner.) Jackie Chan meme, I should point this is both better...aaaaand worse than you may think. After they're taken to the Ewok village, we discover that the natives in this version aren't Native American. They're...kinda...everything: black, white, Asian, Indian, hopefully some Native Americans in there, though I don't remember any getting a speaking role.
(Cut to a shot of the Indians in the Disney version of Peter Pan.)
NC (vo): And yeah, I'm sure a part of them just wanted to avoid the controversy that the story has gotten over the years with various portrayals.
NC: But... (looks up in thought briefly) doing it this way is kind of like replacing the...
(Cut to a shot of Song of the South, showing Uncle Remus interacting with Br'er Rabbit.)
NC (vo): ...black people in Song of the South...
(Cut to a crowd of people of various ethnicities.)
NC (vo): ...with every other ethnicity, and the black people never get a line.
(Cut back to Pan, showing Peter, Hook and Smee all captured by the natives.)
NC (vo): If you try to overcorrect, you probably made it worse.
(The chief of the tribe, played by Jack Charles, a short man with huge frizzy white hair, a thick white beard, and colorful war paint on his face, addresses Tiger Lily, his daughter.)
Chief: You must be patient.
NC (vo): Tiger Lily's father... Oh, if that's her father, what basic pumpkin spice latte is her mother? ...sentence [sic] them to be killed by their greatest warrior.
(Said warrior comes out and jumps on a trampoline where Hook is being held. They both jump on the trampoline, with Hook being thrown backwards onto a second trampoline and bouncing back to be kicked in the face by the warrior, knocking him down and bouncing again. The warrior then grabs Hook by his legs and slams him against the trampolines.)
NC (vo; as Hook): Oh, my God, this is the funnest death ever! Hooo-wheeee!
(The warrior then slams Hook against the trampoline so hard that Hook is thrown into one of the nearby floors and smashes through. He hangs upside-down and sees Tiger Lily looking at him.)
Hook: Your Highness! I was hoping to get you alone.
(He smiles at her, and she smiles back, giggling a bit.)
NC: (as Tiger Lily) I'm always charmed when a prisoner I just met wants to grope me.
NC (vo): But they see Peter's necklace as the symbol for Pan, the prophesized one to bring order back to Neverland. They reveal that Peter's mother was adored by Blackbeard, but she fell in love with a fairy prince who tried to stop his evil ways. They gave birth to Peter in honestly a much better story I wish we were watching.
Tiger Lily: (to Peter) Our people helped your mother hide you in the other world, and they made you these totems that when you returned...
NC: She looks like (Tiger Lily appears at the bottom of the screen.) a curtain got stuck revealing the host of a PBS Kids show.
NC (vo): Peter's told his mother is still alive in the hidden fairy kingdom, and he vows to discover it.
Hook: (to Tiger Lily, as they watch a rising sun) So, do you like sunrises? (Tiger Lily giggles.)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, Tiger Lily's all grown up in this and has a romance with Hook. It's like they're going out of their way...
(As NC speaks, a shot of Hook and Tiger Lily from the Disney film is shown, in which Hook loudly threatens Tiger Lily with a watery fate if she doesn't tell him about Peter Pan's hiding place.)
NC (vo): ...to do the opposite of the original!
Hook: (to Tiger Lily) Sorry, I was just looking for you.
NC: (as Hook) I didn't recognize you without your headdress of pet toys.
Tiger Lily: You're not like the men from my tribe.
Hook: Thank you.
NC: (as Tiger Lily) They managed to have chemistry with me.
NC (vo): But Doc Hook-iday's advances are interrupted when the pirates attack.
(In the ensuing battle between pirates and natives, Tiger Lily runs through, slapping a pirate in the face. Colorful clouds of smoke form everywhere.)
Tiger Lily: We must find Peter!
NC (vo): In a very odd scene...
NC: (holds up hands) I know, they're so scarce in this.
NC (vo): ...clouds of brightly colored smoke explode around the natives. At first, I thought these were like weird bombs that the pirates were throwing, but if you look closely, this is how the natives die. They explode into Mario Paint colors!
NC: (shakes head) This is making me look at (The poster for the infamous movie version of Jem and the Holograms is shown in the corner.) Jem movie, saying, "Maybe you were closer than I thought." (nods)
NC (vo): The insane pirate posse capture our heroes and even kill off Tiger Lily's father.
(Hiding from the pirates in the floor underneath, Peter looks up through gaps in the floorboard slats to see Blackbeard aim his pistol at the tribe chief.)
Blackbeard: (to the chief) Bon voyage.
(With one blast from his pistol, Blackbeard kills the chief, who explodes in a cloud of purple and yellow smoke. Peter cringes as this happens. The captured Tiger Lily cringes at the loss of her father.)
NC (vo; as Tiger Lily): We will sprinkle his remains on our Baskin-Robbins later tonight.
Hook: (to Blackbeard) She told me there's a map to the fairy kingdom.
Tiger Lily: Traitor! How dare you betray us for pirates!
Hook: (shaking head) I'm trying to save your life, sweetheart! It won't happen again!
NC: Did you take your acting lessons from...
(Hook's shaking head is shown again, alongside the poster for Bobbleheads: The Movie.)
NC (vo): ...The Bobblehead Movie? What is this performance?!
(Peter, however, escapes and jumps on one of those Neverland birds from earlier.)
NC (vo): And because we know you really wanted more of those amazing Neverbird effects...
(As Peter flies on the back of the bird, Blackbeard spots him.)
Blackbeard: KILL THE BOY! (opens fire on Peter with his pistol)
NC: (as Blackbeard) And tell Avenue Q not to dabble in computers!
NC (vo): Blackbeard corners Peter in a tent, and for the deadliest pirate, he sure does suck at killing a ten-year-old every time he has a chance.
Blackbeard: You'll never find your mother. Do you know why? Because I killed her.
NC (vo; as Blackbeard): It took me ten times through ten separate monologues, but I got around to it eventually! (normal) Hook saves him, though, and they escape with Tiger Lily, who believes Peter is truly the chosen one.
Peter: (to Tiger Lily) Whoever it is you think I am, whatever it is you expect me to be...I'm not!
NC: That really (The poster for this film showing Peter is shown off to the side, along with his above line edited in.) should have been more obvious on the poster.
NC (vo): Peter is attacked by the crocodile... Hey, I remember the crocodile! This is good! ...but the mermaids arrive to save him from...forgetting he's even being devoured...
(As the crocodile bites down on Peter's shirt and drags him underwater, the mermaids light up their tails like jellyfish and zap the crocodile, stunning it so that it loosens its grip on Peter, allowing him to be rescued.)
NC: (shrugs) I'll admit, I kind of dig their...
NC (vo): ...jellyfish tails. I think that's an original idea. But they don't have any lines or much of an identity, outside of (A bottle of CHANEL N°5 perfume is inserted, along with the word "CHANEL" underneath.) just looking like a 2000s perfume commercial.
(Hook is seen on another pirate ship.)
Hook: Let's get this ship in the air.
NC (vo): Hook decides to go it alone, but Peter and Tiger Lily decide it's best to find the hidden kingdom of the fairies, and they use his necklace as a key to open it up. But somehow, all of the pirates followed and snuck up on them without ever being noticed! (The camera zooms in on Tiger Lily, who seems oddly unworried at this turn of events.) Aren't you supposed to be like a hunter or scavenger or have ears?
Blackbeard: (taking Peter's necklace) Mom tries to protect the kingdom by giving son the key.
(We then cut to Blackbeard's crew on his ship, having used the necklace to open the gate to the fairy kingdom, ready to attack.)
Blackbeard: WAKEY-WAKEY! RISE AND SHINE!
NC: So, you know people who enter a clothing store wearing one thing and...
(Cut to an shot of a woman holding several bags as she leaves a clothing store.)
NC (vo): ...leave wearing something else?
NC: I feel like he's...
NC (vo): ...entering these scenes with one performance...
NC: ...and leaving...
NC (vo): ...with something different.
(As the captured Peter watches helplessly, a small fairy, presumably Tinker Bell, flies up to him.)
Tinker Bell: Look! Listen! Look! Listen!
(As Blackbeard ship enters the fairy kingdom, it launches its attack on the fairies.)
NC (vo): Don't worry, fairies, if they try to kill you; we'll just clap our hands and say we believe–
(Suddenly, however, the ship fires flamethrowers from their cannons to burn up the fairies.)
NC (vo): Or a burn ward! A very tiny but specialized burn ward would be very helpful.
(Suddenly, a second ship rams into Blackbeard's ship. It's Hook, who has come back. Peter runs onto Hook's ship.)
NC (vo): Hook flies his ship in, though, and again, I gotta give credit: the action sequences are really entertaining. It looks good, it's creative, you really feel the size, weight and gravity of every odd thing that's going on.
(In the struggle, Hook's ship tips over and Hook starts to fall off. He clings to a piece of the ship for dear life as Peter watches in horror. Hook grimaces as he readies to let go of the ship he's clinging to.)
NC (vo; as Hook): Oh, if only my hand was a...fork or something.
(And then he lets go, plummeting toward certain doom. But Peter suddenly flies again and swoops in to save his friend in the nick of time.)
NC (vo): Peter can finally fly on his own. The fairies finally start fighting back...which, why the hell didn't they do that before? And they crash Blackbeard's ship as he gets...
(With no pixie dust anymore, Blackbeard grows old again as his ship crashes. He has only enough time to register a far-off look in his eyes, as though impaled (though it's hard to tell in the hullabaloo), before he, his crew and his ship all fall to their doom.)
NC: (squints eyes) I can't tell if it's impaled or...
NC (vo): ...bored.
(As Blackbeard's ship plummets, Blackbeard has clearly not been impaled.)
NC (vo): I dunno, bored.
NC: He was just bored.
NC (vo): Even Peter's mother makes an appearance, being formed by all the fairies.
Peter: (teary-eyed) I love you, Mum. So much. I don't know how you can miss someone you've never met.
NC: Levi Miller, again, is clearly giving his all and doing a good job.
NC (vo): But there's just some lines that can never sound natural.
Voice of Peter's Mother (Amanda Seyfried): You found me.
Peter: I have your eyes.
NC: (amused) Who says that?!
(We then cut back to the orphanage in London, where Peter's friend Nibs is sleeping.)
NC (vo): Oh, gotta go back for Rufio.
(Nibs is awakened by something and sees who it is. It's Peter sitting on the foot of his bed.)
Peter: You thought I'd leave you here?
Nibs: No, never.
Peter: You like some fun?
NC (vo; as Peter): I know a place...
(Cut briefly to the earlier scene of Blackbeard launching Peter off the plank he's standing on.)
NC (vo; as Peter): ...where they toss kids off planks. It's awesome!
(The other orphans, awakened by Peter, all want to go, too. He agrees to take them. At that moment, a shelf falls into the door, and Mother Barnabas looks up from inside the shelf to see Peter flying away. She gnashes her teeth and snarls at him in defeat.)
NC: (as Mother Barnabas) Now all I have is Jesus!
(Peter and Hook take all the orphans away in the flying pirate ship to Neverland.)
NC (vo): Oh, whoops, did we forget to make two of the most famous rivals, rivals?
(The film ends as the ship flies off into the night sky over London.)
Peter: We'll always be friends, Hook, aren't we?
Hook: Always. What could possibly go wrong?
NC: (laughs) Any similarities to Peter Pan are purely coincidental!
(Footage of the movie plays one last time as NC gives his final thoughts.)
NC (vo): And that was Pan. Um... it's ambitious. The money they spent is clearly onscreen, for the most part, and it is impressive in scale and size. But it's taking one of the most famous kid's stories of all time and trying to water it down with very stale tropes. This includes generic prophecies, easily digestible messages, and overly stoic characters. Watching this made me realize that the strengths of other versions is the characters' relationships off each other. The best ones rely on the reactions of these very distinct personalities...
(Various images of incarnations of the following characters are shown: the 2003 version, Hook, the Disney version, the original Barrie book, and Peter Pan and the Pirates.)
NC (vo): The cockiness of Pan, the temper of Hook, the properness of Wendy, the savageness of the Lost Boys, the cluelessness of Smee.
(Cut back to Pan.)
NC (vo): We like seeing this story, even though we've heard it to death because it's fun to see the variations of reactions from these likable characters. These characters have very little personality, and what they do have isn't given enjoyable support. This is a very dull and standard story with moments of the extraordinary dropped in, and it's sadly not enough to make it very interesting. I feel bad because you can tell there was passion behind this. I just don't think they knew how to iron out the details. Whatever version of Peter Pan is most people's favorite, chances are, this is one that's not gonna have many people thinking happy thoughts.
NC: But that doesn't mean we shouldn't keep mining!
(He gets up and leaves. Cut to Hackbeard overseeing the Never Had mine.)
Hackbeard: More, more! We must find more unoriginal ideas to make profits!
Female Miner: I'm pretty sure this is anti-union!
Hackbeard: Oh, quit your bitchin'. Why can't you be in better spirits (gestures to his side) like those two?
(Another miner, one of the Chart Guys (Rob), is delirious from overwork, but still somehow enthusiastic.)
Chart Guy 1: The chart says there's still money to be made!
(Another miner, the other Chart Guy (Malcolm), is shown making a digging motion with his hands.)
Chart Guy 2: This is the best engagement party ever!
Channel Awesome Tagline – Blackbeard: Help yourselves to lots and lots of jolly old fun!
(The credits roll.)