And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Oz: The Great and Powerful."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
There's no place like-- Spoilers!
There's this guy called Oz.
Hm, I wonder who named him after a prison show.
And he dreams about being the world's greatest magician!
Like David Blaine, only with talent.
But it turns out a bunch of the people don't like him because he can't make a little girl walk.
Geez, tough crowd!
You know, folks, there's a difference between a magician and Jesus!
But then he suddenly gets whisked away through a giant tornado.
I was in a tornado once!
I was living in a trash can, but then Bill Paxton came along, put in all these little sensors and then threw me.
You are mean, Bill Paxton!
So Oz is sent to...Oz.
Is that kind of like Disney the person going to Disney the theme park?
And he comes across Meg from that 70's show!
Oh wait, now I remember the name of it. It was "The Brady Bunch!"
And she's like, "You are the wizard who the prophecy says will save us all!"
"Um, okay, and what prophecy is this?"
"The prophecy written down in no book and we can't remember who said it."
"Well, are you sure it's a prophecy worth following?"
"Hey, may my skin turn green and my nose and chin get really big if I'm wrong."
"That's bizarrely specific."
"I'm in love with you now."
"It's a good thing you're hot, 'cause you're really weird!"
So Meg takes him to the Emerald City to meet her sister.
And Oz is like, "You must be her sister. I can tell by the fact you're older, taller, look nothing like her and British."
(in British accent, waves hand) "Oh, rather."
But the sister is like, (with accent) "You must defeat the evil witch so you can bring order back to Oz."
"But wait a minute, you're a witch! Why don't you go stop her?"
"Because I have an incredible amount of power and you don't."
"Well, I guess that makes sense." (pauses briefly)
So, they also come across a monkey played by the doctor from "Scrubs."
And the monkey is like, "I will show you around the leftover Photoshop backgrounds from 'Alice in Wonderland.'"
"Wait! What's that town made of china?"
"China Town! (is glared at) ...It's a leftover pun from 'Wreck-It Ralph.'"
But they come across this little girl made of china.
And they're like, "Do you have a name, little china girl?"
(nods) "I do!"
"That's nice. I'm just gonna call you 'little china girl' throughout most of the movie."
"But it's Felic--"
(interrupts) "Come, little china girl! Away!" (walks off)
"But it's Felici--"
(points) "Little china girl!"
(lowers head) "Okay."
So they come across the Wicked Witch, which it turns out is actually a good witch.
And Oz is like, "You're a good witch? I thought you were a bad witch."
"No no, there's three kinds of witches: (counts off fingers) A good witch, a bad witch and a hastily-written witch that will eventually become a bad witch."
"Oh no! I better not do anything that could easily be taken the wrong way if she's watching!"
And Meg is like, "I'm misunderstanding what he's doing right now that I'm watching! That makes me so angry I'm gonna cry acid tears! (cries) Ow! (cries more) Ow!"
But then the sister is like, "Eat this apple, and you will become evil and my minion!"
"Wow, why don't you just give that to everybody in the kingdom? (long pause) Make them all your slaves? (long pause) Ever cross your mind--"
(interrupts, shoving apple at "her") "Eat this! I'm actually gonna start working on that! Oh, I also gotta remember to work in the ruby slippers in case I forget to write it in! D-Don't let me forget that." (leaves)
So the good witches are now evil witches and the bad witch is a good witch.
But Oz is like, "We will use my tailor tricks to defeat their army!"
"By tricking you all into thinking I'm dead, totally jeopardizing the plan that I could've just told you from the beginning I was going to do!"
"Why would you do that?"
"Surprise ending that everybody will see coming!"
"So it's really not that a surprise endi--"
So, through his parlor tricks, the evil witches are scared away, Oz is the king of the land, Bruce Campbell has a five second cameo even though he's mentioned in the opening credits, and we can all remember that Rachel Weisz has a career.
So, "Oz: The Great and Powerful" was really great and powerful!
But like I said before, it was missing the ruby slippers! I wanted ruby slippers!
No, not in the movie, I mean in real life!
Although, I guess if I said there's no place like home, it would just take me back to my Pop-Tart box.
But I could sell them!
I just have to find someone that makes really crazy, eccentric media purchases!
Hey, I wonder what Linkara is up to?
This is Chester A. Bum saying... (holds up his shoes) Ruby slippers?! Ya got ruby slippers?! C'mon, take my shoes! Give me ruby slippers!