Channel Awesome
Osmosis Jones
July 21, 2015
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Real Thoughts

(We see the opening, before we see NC in his room.)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about an animated film that shows what goes on inside of you. A movie that shows that the tiny things that happen on the outside are actually big things on the inside, the colorful, strange, comedic adventure simply known as...Inside Out.

(Clips from Disney Pixar's Inside Out are shown.)

NC (vo): Sure, we've seen this idea dabbled with in unforgettable shows (picture of Homer Simpson having an angel and devil on his shoulders) and shows we'd like to forget (picture of Herman's Head), but this is the first one to do it in such a clever and unique way. No other film showed the inside workings of the human body so cleverly and distinctly original.

NC: And we're gonna talk about how great it is here today.

(We then zoom inside NC's head where it's shaped like the control room from the same movie. From left to right, we have Taylor Chambers as Fear, Malcolm Ray as Anger, Tamara Chambers as Joy, Joanna Kay as Disgust and Beth Elderkin as Sadness.)

Joy: All right, troop, he loved the movie!

Fear: But he said it was like Herman's Head!

Disgust: Oh, please, no one even remembers that.

Sadness: I miss the other white wall.

Anger: Besides, even if this idea's been done before, no pinhead's ever done it in the way that we've done it before.

Voice: Oh, yeah.

(The camera shows Ozzy, who is played by Christopher Harrison, stepping into the room.)

Ozzy: Nobody's ever done it like this before.

Joy: Uh, what emotion are you?

Ozzy: I'm Pissed Off, that's what I am!

Anger: Hey, that's my job, buddy!

Ozzy: Yeah, a job you all stole from me! Osmosis Jones.

Sadness: Oh, great, another Wachowski fanboy.

Ozzy: Not Jupiter Jones! Osmosis Jones!

Disgust: Wait, you're saying we ripped you off?

Ozzy: If the body-related pun fits.

Joy: Hey, we're one of the most brilliantly written films of all time. And you? You're just a Farrelly Brothers movie.

Ozzy: Yeah, that's right! You ripped off the people that made Jim Carrey a male cougar! (A picture of Dumb & Dumber To is shown on the corner.)

Anger: Hey, why don't we let the Critic decide by having him review the movie instead?

Fear: Whatever we do, we better do it fast! The Critic's just been sitting there brain-dead for a few minutes!

(Cut to outside, where NC's been sitting in a stupor.)

Joy: Oh!

(She presses a button and NC snaps back to life.)

NC: That's why we're gonna review Osmosis Jones. (beat) Why am I suddenly in a bad mood?

(The film's title, and clips from the film, are shown.)

NC (vo): In 2001, the Farrelly Brothers, who you know for three good movies (posters for Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, and There's Something About Mary) and several waiting apologies (posters for Shallow Hal, Stuck on You, Hall Pass, The Heartbreak Kid, Me, Myself & Irene, The Three Stooges and Fever Pitch), were attached to an animated film about the inner workings of the human body, as well as some animation directors obviously as well. It was colorful, creative, and usually forgot to be funny. Like most Farrelly Brothers films, it doesn't know if it wants to be a legitimately clever adult film or a giggle fest for two-year-olds because they acknowledge that farts exist.

(A fart is heard.)

NC: Look! Farts exist!

NC (vo): Strangely enough, though, everyone does end up somehow remembering this film, and even years later, there's still been quite a few people who have requested me to review this for a long time.

NC: Is it worth the request? Well, let's take a look with Osmosis Jones!

Ozzy: (from inside NC's head) The prequel to Inside Out! (a punch is heard) Ow!

(The movie begins, showing a live-action zoo.)

NC (vo): The movie takes place in...

NC: Oh, being a Farrelly Brothers movie, I'm just gonna assume this (a graphic of) New England-ish side of the US.

(A bus is shown, with an arrow pointing at the writing on the bus that says "New England Memorial Zoo".)

NC (vo): Yep! we open with Bill Murray scratching his ass. (Cut to Bill Murray's character Frank and his daughter Shane looking at monkeys in a cage. Frank is, indeed, scratching his ass.) Glad to see you're aiming high there, Farrellys.

NC: In the old days, he would've scratched his taint.

NC (vo): Murray plays Frank, a zookeeper with a daughter who acts a lot more like his mother because...

NC: Again, let me just take a guess here.

Frank: Your mother, God bless her soul...

NC (vo; sighs): You know, should we just line up all the mothers in animated films to the electric chair? Is there just a cinematic courtroom somewhere where they're just like...?

(Cut to a Photoshopped skit involving a judge giving a sentence to Bambi's mother.)

Judge: What are you charged with?

Bambi's mother: Giving the birth of life.

Judge: KILL HER!

(Bambi's mother is immediately shot. Walt Disney peeps up behind the judge.)

Walt Disney: (imitating Palpatine) Good.

(Back to the movie, where a chimpanzee steals one of Frank's eggs.)

NC (vo): But a monkey steals his egg, which means, for some reason now, he has to choke him.

Frank: Now I gotta choke ya!

(The chimp grabs Frank and starts pushing his head into the cage's bars constantly. This goes on for a while, making NC uncomfortable.)

NC: What can I even say to this right now?

NC (vo): Bill Murray is choking/possibly dry-humping a monkey!

NC: I never thought I'd have to repeat this from my Planet of the Apes review, but... (An image of a monkey and a man is shown, with a heart crossed out with an X shown in the middle.) Don't do it. (beat) Why is that such a common theme around here?

(As NC speaks, we see the animated portion of the film, which takes place inside the entirety of Frank's body. In Frank's mouth, we are introduced to our main character, Osmosis Jones, an overzealous officer of the Frank Police Department, the city's center for responses against bodily threats, who is working on patrol duty in the mouth.)

NC (vo): As if looking at the outside of him wasn't bad enough, we then venture inward to see that the inside of his body is covered in black lines for some reason. This is where we meet Osmosis Jones, voiced by Chris Rock.

Helicopter pilot: Here we go again.

Osmosis Jones: You're dealing with a white blood cell here! / Baby, it's Ozzy time!

NC: (imitating speaking on a walkie-talkie) Uh, yes, Beetlejuice cartoon. We found everything except your nose, (pictures of Beetlejuice and Ozzy are shown side by side) but we're sure it'll show up in another awkward drawing.

NC (vo): Jones is a white blood cell cop who helps to keep the inside of Frank healthy...and, of course, make a lot of puns while doing so.

Osmosis Jones: (various scenes) You're up spit creek without a paddle! / We lived on peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches. / Take your medicine! / I grew up on the wrong side of the digestive track.

NC: (as Ozzy) Good lord, that's a lot of punny!

(Osmosis is shown disobeying orders in an effort to stop a germ from escaping into Frank's body, but his attempt fails and ultimately results in Frank getting a huge cramp on his leg.)

NC (vo): They try to stop some gingivitis, which somehow ends up affecting Frank's leg while he's eating some "Fried Chicken" fried chicken. (zoom in on the bucket Frank was carrying which says "Fried Chicken")

NC: I hear they do great steak.

(We see the film's villain, Thrax, having entered the throat due to Frank eating a boiled egg covered in chimp saliva earlier.)

NC (vo): But something else it seems has snuck in, Thrax, a disease, played by Laurence Fishburne.

Thrax: Careful. I'm contagious.

NC: (imitating Hexxus) You're gonna love my to-to-toxic love!*

  • (Ironically, in the Osmosis Jones TV series, Ozzy and Drix, Tim Curry played Scarlet Fever, the first villain in the series.)

Thrax: Ow.

(Thrax uses his red finger to touch a cell who was nearby, causing the cell to dissolve into flaming red goo while screaming. "A FAMILY picture!")

Announcer: A FAMILY picture! (beat) That's gonna haunt the shit out of me!

(We first see Mayor Phlegmming, an uncaring and selfish mayor who only cares about his upcoming reelection than Frank's health.)

NC (vo): But we see bigger things are on the mind of the Mayor, played by William Shatner.

Reporter: Do you have a plan to deal with the fat cell housing storage?

Mayor Phlegmming: I'd like to announce we're beginning construction on a...third chin.

NC: So, just to get things straight, with Shatner (Phlegmming) in charge, Frank has turned into a fat, balding, unhealthy, egotistical pain-in-the-ass? Man, you put this guy (Shatner) in anything and the jokes just write themselves!

(Cut to Frank lying on the couch due to his injured leg.)

Frank: Honey? Sha-a-a-a-ane!

Shane: You okay?

Frank: Le-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eg!

Shane: Oh! Oh. (gives a chicken leg to Frank)

NC (vo): You know, I think they had the idea to follow Bill Murray around with a camera to see if he did anything funny, and when he didn't, they just said "Make it a cartoon".

Shane: I'm making an appointment to see the doctor.

NC (vo): But the mayor can't risk him getting sick, so he uses his manual override.

(The Mayor speaks through a microphone so Frank can hear him.)

Mayor: On second thought...

Frank: On second thought...

Mayor: ...perhaps I'll take a cold pill.

Frank: ...perhaps I'll take a cold pill.

NC: Hm. Why does that sound familiar?

(We go back to the emotions in the control room inside NC's head.)


Joy: Hey, look, just because they use a control panel to shift his thoughts...

Sadness: While looking through a circular screen of vision...

Disgust: Doesn't mean we stole anything.

Ozzy: You know, you're right. (Smiles) In fact, I smell a spin-off with you and another original Disney classic. I call it... (uses a remote to have the screen show a poster of a new fake Disney show featuring both the Inside Out characters and characters from The Lion King) "Kimba: The White Liar"!

Anger: That never went to court! We're mostly in the clear on that one!

(Another thing is shown on the screen, showing Olaf the Snowman and another animated snowman.)

Ozzy: (scoffs) Yeah. Let me know how that Frozen lawsuit works out.

Fear: Oh, yeah. We might be in trouble with that one.

(Back to the movie.)

NC (vo): So here's a fun drinking game. Take a shot every single time there's a cop movie cliche.

NC: I know what you're thinking, "Come on. It's a cop movie. Of course there's gonna be some cop cliches." But let's just try the next three minutes. Three minutes, let's count how many cop cliches there are!

(Jaunty piano music is heard as the next three minutes of scenes are shown, showcasing Osmosis arriving back at the police station, where he is made fun of by other police officers, before going to the office to see his angry boss, the police chief. After some prompting from Osmosis, the chief gives him a case of his own, but to Jones' dismay, the case requires him to work with a partner. As he waits for his partner's arrival in the throat area, Osmosis meets the Mayor's secretary, Leah Estrogen, who isn't interested in him.)

NC (vo): Quirky cop that doesn't fit in. (NC takes a shot) Ooh, the angry commissioner. (NC takes a shot) Oh, how about cracking one-liners against authority? (NC takes a shot) Being assigned a new partner.

NC: Really? (takes a shot)

NC (vo): Saying he doesn't need a new partner. (NC takes another shot, starting to slowly become drunk.) Hits on a hot romantic lead whose personality is invisible.

NC: (slurring) Christ! (NC takes another shot)

NC (vo): She doesn't like him, thinking independence makes up for the fact that she's totally forgettable.

NC: All right, THAT'S SEVEN SHOTS! Seven shots in the past three minutes! WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU'RE AS ORIGINAL AS A COMPUTER-GENERATED DIRECT-TO-DVD MOVIE! (posters for Up and the knockoff, What's Up, are shown side by side. NC sighs) God, I hope I didn't fuck with my mind too much.

(Back inside NC's mind, the whole control room is flooded with beer and the emotions are all floating.)

Sadness: Are we in Gary Busey's head?

(Back to the movie. Osmosis' new partner arrives, a pill named Drixenol.)

NC (vo): He meets up with a Minion version of Iron Man named Drix, a literal pill, played by typecasted pill David Hyde Pierce.

Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.

Osmosis Jones: Great, I got me a college boy.

NC (vo): Oh, look! The two of them obviously don't get along.

(NC is about to take another shot.)

Emotions: (from inside NC's head) NO!!

(NC immediately puts the beer down.)

NC (vo): The Mayor's assistant Leah, played by Brandy... (picture of Brandy Norwood)

NC: Because...clearly she'll bring a lot to the role.

NC (vo): Jones the chance to prove himself and Drix to make Frank feel better.

(At the throat, Drix approaches some firemen.)

Drix: Step away. (opens his chest to reveal colorful grenades) The tamperproof seal is there for your protection.

Mr. Freeze: (dubbed over Drix) All right, everyone! Chill!

(Osmosis Jones sees a frightened germ who was there when Thrax first entered Frank.)

NC (vo): But Jones comes across somebody who saw Thrax's work.

Germ: La meurte, man! He's coming, man. (grows multiple eyes on his body) I saw him.

NC (vo): Oh, great. Chris Tucker's in this movie. (Drix accidentally freezes the germ) Drix accidentally freezes him, though, not allowing Jones to figure out what he was talking about. Of course, what he is talking about is Thrax, who's apparently trying to take over his infectious competition.

(Inside a sauna, Thrax confronts a germ that looks and sounds like a Mafia don.)

Germ Don: We run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.

Thrax: Well, baby, this ain't about no hustle, this is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.

(When they refuse to work with him, the gang attacks him but he fends them off. He grabs the don and slices his chest open, causing green goo to come out of his body. That scene stuns NC.)

NC: JESUS CHRIST!! (The don falls to the ground, dead.) Okay, this is always something that's bothered me. How come when you change the color of blood, it suddenly doesn't make it gory?

(An image of a blood covered man with a ripped open throat from Underworld: Awakening is shown.)

NC (vo): Why is this a hard R, but when you suddenly change the color...? (the blood turns green) Oh! It's a Jell-O birthday party!

NC: Friday the 13th would be a G movie if the blood would have fucking polka dots on it!

(An image of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is briefly shown before going back to the movie.)

Germ: What kind of sickness do you have in mind?

Thrax: (smiles evilly) Deadly.

(The film immediately fades to the next live-action scene, showing Shane approaching Frank at the zoo.)

NC (vo): Wow. That's a constant reminder of how much the live-action scenes don't connect. Psychotic killer, gory murder, girl running around in the zoo.

NC: Come on! They go hand-in-hand like peanut butter and that fucking scene we saw earlier! Yeah! I don't have a comparison! Just, what the hell?

(As Osmosis and Drix prepare to head over to their next place of destination, Drix does what NC describes.)

NC (vo): Drix accidentally breaks up a piece of the frozen witness, so he hides it by sticking it in his mouth. (beat) Could've...just put it in the back seat there, but then again, that might not have built up to our other gross-out joke.

NC: Hm, let's see. What do we have in the Appendix of What Makes Idiots Laugh? (Looks at a list, which includes: Butts, poo, snot, farts, Jay Leno, pee, spit, armpits, and reality TV.) Snot looks good.

(Cut to a scene of Frank talking with his brother Bob, played by Chris Elliott.)

Frank: What's that over there?

(As Bob looks away, Frank snorts his nose, sucking his snot inside.)

NC: Ha-ha! It's funny because you're stupid!

(Inside Frank's nose, a large dam cracks open, due to an attack committed by Thrax, releasing torrents of snot which chases Osmosis and Drix. A Photoshopped image of the Magic School Bus is shown getting washed away in the snot. Osmosis and Drix eventually escape and talk about the situation with Mayor Phlegmming, who is currently preparing for Frank to take a vacation to a chicken wing festival at Buffalo, New York, at his office.)

NC (vo): So Thrax blows up the dam, getting all the snot out, but...really, for no good reason, Drix decides he still wants to partner up with Jones.

Mayor: Why don't we find you another more capable officer to work with?

Drix: Uh, sir, if it's all the same to you...

NC: (as Drix) And because the piano music is signaling me to do so.

Drix: ...I think I'll stay with Jones.

Mayor: Suit yourself.

(While driving with Drix, Osmosis opens up to him about a past event that occurred at the same time Frank was visiting Shane's science fair.)

NC (vo): But Jones reveals, what a shock, he has a tragic backstory. You see, a while ago, he was supposed to keep Frank well during his daughter's science fair. Hell, Frank was actually kind of a stand-up guy, more than her teacher, anyway, played by Molly Shannon.

Mrs. Boyd: Your daughter Shane, I am just absolutely crazy about her.

Frank: Well, if you mean that, I'm gonna keep her.

(Mrs. Boyd starts laughing hysterically.)

NC: To be fair, this is the only laugh Murray has got in the film so far.

Mrs. Boyd: Are you okay?

Frank: (starting to get sick) Those oysters...

Mrs. Boyd: Oh, yeah, that's Zack's project. He's a little slow. The doctors say he has a brain the size of a tangerine.

NC (vo): So remember, kids, if a slow kid is having trouble at your school, this family film says it's okay to make fun of it. Just be sure the Farrelly Brothers are around to film it when you do.

Mrs. Boyd: But we're gonna give him an A anyway.

NC (vo): God, what the fuck was this rated again?

Kid: Whoa, look at that guy!

(The children look at Frank who suddenly pukes onto Mrs. Boyd, due to Osmosis pressing the puke button in an effort to get rid of an oyster that Frank ate, which contained a deadly virus.)

NC (vo): But Frank tried Tangerine Kid's oysters, which resulted in him puking all over the teacher. (A newspaper is shown with a picture of that moment.) And Jesus Christ, give that photographer an award! He must've known the fucking millisecond it was going to come out to shoot something so perfectly composed!

Osmosis Jones (vo): He even got fired from his job at the pea soup factory.

NC (vo): He got fired for that? Oh, come on!

NC: The real Bill Murray's done it at tons of parties. He's never gotten kicked off the set.

(Several clips focusing on Frank are shown.)

NC (vo): This, I guess, is the excuse why his life is such a wreck now. Though, really, it's a pretty lame excuse. How did he go from a pea soup factory to a zoo cleaning job? They have nothing in common! And why is he a bum loser now? The world isn't one big school cafeteria, I think he can bounce back okay. But, hey, then we wouldn't have classic Farrelly comedy like this.

(Cut to Frank and Shane at a restaurant, where Frank has revealed to Shane his plans of taking the two of them to New York for the chicken wing festival, but due to Leah speaking with him through the microphone, Frank becomes torn over going through with his idea or joining Shane's school camping trip.)

Shane: What's wrong now?

Frank: Oh, geez. (lifts up his bare foot) Oh, it's this damn toe. Do me a favor, huh? Don't you get old. Listen to the toe. Don't you get old.

NC: Oh, Jesus, I wish Pirate Palpatine back there would use his Force powers to end this scene.

(The pirate sign at the restaurant is shown, starting to speak in NC's voice as Palpatine. Ominous music plays.)

Palpatine: You want to shut the fuck up? You want to order some of my delicious shrimp...with ta-ta [tartar] sauce?

NC (vo): But Drix and Jones aren't done looking for answers.

(The duo comes across a group of germs watching two germs fight each other.)

Osmosis Jones: Chicken pox fights.

(An invisible punch hits NC in the face.)

NC: Oh! Ow! Oh, that pun hurt! Ow! (sighs) On the plus side, at least we know none of the puns can get quite as bad as that...

(Cut to a scene at a night club called "The Zit", where Kidney Rock, a parody of rapper/singer Kid Rock, is performing the song "Cool Daddy Cool".)

Kidney Rock: (rapping) Mackin' to this phat beat/Bass pushin' through my back seat...

(NC frowns at that scene. We go back inside his head, where the control room is starting to rumble and shake and explosions are erupting.)

Joy: Oh, no!

Ozzy: What is it?

Anger: He's having a dumb attack!

Joy: Your movie was so stupid, it overloaded his brain with idiocy!

Ozzy: Oh, sorry! Most Chris Rock movies do that!

Disgust: There's only one way to stop this!

Fear: We have to show him something even more painful and idiotic!

Ozzy: Like what?!

(Sadness brings out a remote and pushes a button, causing the commercial break to start. After the commercial, NC snaps out of the dumb attack.)

NC: Boy, was that ad bad. Whew! Unless it was a charity ad, in which case, here's where you send the hate mail. (a caption is shown at the bottom saying " Anyway...

(Back to the movie. While undercover as a germ, Osmosis discovers Thrax's plan of getting his own chapter in the medical books by killing Frank in 48 hours. Osmosis and Drix confront him, and after a battle, they destroy the Zit with a grenade. Believing Thrax is dead, the duo head back to the police station, not discovering the truth that Thrax survived the explosion.)

NC (vo): After Blow Ninja Blow, Jones sneaks in and discovers the disease is planning to kill off Frank. But, sadly, he also lets him get away. Can you guess what's gonna follow now?

(At the office, Osmosis and Drix are confronted by the Mayor, who is angered at the recent event of the duo blowing up the Zit and is attempting to cover it up.)

Mayor: Disregarding orders, destruction of public flesh, popping a pimple without a permit! What the heck were you doing out there?!

(NC's butler Bernard, played by Barney Walker, comes in, holding a menu.)

Bernard: Your Painful Buddy Cop Movie Tropes, sir.

NC: Why, thank you, garçon. (reads the menu) Hm. I think I'll start with the, uh, "Cop Getting Fired" cliche.

Mayor: You're fired!

NC: Followed by the "Nobody Believes Him When He's Telling the Truth" cliche.

Drix: Without Jones, Frank could've been in mortal danger.

Mayor: You'd love to prove that, wouldn't you, Mr. Drixenol?

NC: And for dessert, how about the "Finding Out Something That Was Important it Turns Out Was All a Lie" cliche?

Mayor: (revealing to Drix that he's only a temporal pill) You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, over-the-counter, useless Tic-Tac!

Bernard: Funny or Not Funny?

NC: Not Funny.

Bernard: Any variations?

NC: No variations whatsoever.

Bernard: Very good, sir.

NC: Thank you, garçon. (gives him back the menu)

Bernard: "Garçon" means boy.

(He leaves as NC stares for a beat.)

NC: Well, somebody saw the first five minutes of Pulp Fiction!

NC (vo): Of course, the big question in all of this is, if Drix was a placebo the whole time, how did he physically stop all the symptoms? Wouldn't it have been more clever if he used, like, a psychological approach, like, talking the symptoms out of continuing to affect, that way he'd be much more of an opposite to Chris Rock's character as well? Wouldn't that have been more funny and made more sense? Well, as you quickly noticed, psychological intelligence is not this film's strong point. Take, for example, this scene.

(Cut to Shane and Frank talking in the living room, with Shane having decided to not go with her father to Buffalo, New York and go camping with her friends.)

Shane: Maybe if you and Mom took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.

Frank: Hey. (attempts to comfort his daughter, eating a circus peanut while doing so) Your mom died...because she got sick.

NC: (stunned at Frank's lack of emotion) Wow. I, I mean, Bill, I love you. I think you were robbed at the Oscars by Sean Penn, but...that was an acting wasteland that you just gave us!

NC (vo): I mean, we can scan to see if there's any emotion there. I mean, any... (A scanner scans around the scene, before a caption is showing saying "NONE" with a buzzer sound effect.) Nope!

NC: None whatsoever. Who talks to their kid about their dead wife while eating a fucking Cheeto?!

NC (vo): Was that in the script? Was the Cheeto essential to the heartbreaking moment that the music suggests we're supposed to have? (An image of a sad scene in The Lion King, Young Simba mourning over Mufasa's dead body, is shown) Would Lion King work as well if Simba was munching on snacks the whole time?

(NC mimics Young Simba while munching on a handful of Fritos.)

NC: (muffled) Dad! Dad! Come on! We gotta go home! Dad!

(Throughout the night, Osmosis consoles himself by watching a movie in the cinema, while Drix prepares to leave Frank, but Osmosis eventually discovers that Thrax is still alive and convinces Drix to come back and help him.)

NC (vo): So while one partner gives up on himself, (a turd falls down) resulting in the hero walking around moping, (another turd falls down) just before he gives the pep talk to get his partner back... (yet another turd falls down)

NC: (looks up and down, as if more turds are falling down) Boy, they're really shitting out these cliches faster than I can say them.

NC (vo): ...he goes to watch some dreams, which in this world, is similar to movies.

NC: Wait a minute. That's...

(We go back to the inside of NC's mind, with the emotions shocked at that scene.)

Ozzy: That's as painfully obvious as it gets!

Fear: I don't know, guys. He's got a point on that one.

Disgust: They have it on posters and everything.

Joy: Well, maybe we just put it in our subconscious.

Sadness: Which we represent, by the way, as a dark, grey, scary abyss.

Ozzy: Oh, you mean...

(Another scene is shown, showing Thrax, having already launched an assault on Frank's hypothalamus and stolen a crucial nucleotide, discovering a large storeroom of dreams and nightmares.)

Ozzy (vo): ...this subconscious that's represented as a dark, grey, scary abyss?!

(All the five emotions look on in shock as Ozzy crosses his arms with a smug look.)

Anger: Can I say that curse word now?

(Back to the movie, showing Leah discovering Thrax's attack on the hypothalamus.)

NC (vo): Leah discovers Thrax's plan to kill Frank and... (the camera is positioned behind Leah) Okay...

NC: Is her dress shrinking or just afraid of the floor? Because...

(The camera zooms in to give the audience a better view.)

NC (vo): ...that's her ass! No, that's her ass! There is no way those lines can be mistaken for anything else! I don't know who on the animation staff wants to fuck a blood cell, but even horny women from clubs are looking at that like...

(An image of a club woman is shown with NC's voice speaking as her.)

Woman: Girl, you're wearing a stripper purple scotch tape right now.

(At Frank's house, Bob comes in; at the same time, Frank is beginning to develop a fever.)

Bob: Hey, muscles.

NC (vo): Aah! A deflated Hulk Hogan!

NC: Oh, wait. That's the always stamp of quality, Chris Elliott.

NC (vo): He plays Frank's brother (Bob), who's unaware that the virus is quickly claiming Frank's life.

(Osmosis and Drix are shown driving in their car as the city begins to erupt into chaos.)

Osmosis Jones: Just as long as it don't hit 108 degrees, or Frank's daughter's an orphan.

(Cut to Shane on a bus.)

NC (vo; as Shane): I wish I was an orphan.

Girl: Hey, Shane, look what I brought for you. They're false eyelashes. Just close your eye. (puts a false eyelash on Shane's eye)

NC (vo): Uh, is the bus really the best place to do that?

(NC mimics the girl putting the eyelash on Shane.)

NC: Let me just put that on you here... (The movement of the bus causes NC to seemingly bump into Shane and end up pulling her eye from its socket. NC looks at the eye he's holding and cringes.) looked good on Senator Palpatine.

(Frank, who was driving his car along with Bob, eventually starts to pass out, causing Bob to call an ambulance and cancel the trip to Buffalo. The bus that Shane is on passes by as the ambulance takes Frank away.)

NC (vo): Just as Frank starts to get worse, his daughter sees him in front of the bus and gets out, calling 911.

(Frank is taken to the hospital by several doctors and nurses, who try to revive Frank. Shane arrives at the hospital and witnesses the events happening.)

NC (vo; as a doctor): This movie is killing him! Get me 50 CCs of Lost in Translation, stat!

Shane: Daddy?

Frank: (barely alive) Maggie...

Shane: No, no, Dad, it's me, Shane.

NC: (as Frank) Oh, sorry. Maggie was a prostitute from years ago. You're gonna understand the confusion, though.

(Meanwhile, in Frank's mouth, Thrax is preparing to escape after a confrontation with Osmosis, Drix, and Leah.)

Thrax: Enjoy the funeral, boys!

(He flies out of Frank's open mouth as the heroes watch.)

Osmosis Jones: How's your aim?

Drix: A lot better than yours!

Leah: Jones, what do you think you're doing?

(Jones kisses Leah.)

NC (vo; as Osmosis Jones): We've talked briefly twice, so I feel I've earned this!

Osmosis Jones: Let's do it.

(Osmosis is shot out of Frank's mouth after Thrax, where they land on Shane's eyeball and have their fight on it.)

NC (vo): They get shot into his daughter's eye, where they have the final battle.

(The battle between the two has taken them to Shane's false eyelash, where Thrax appears to be killing Jones.)

Thrax: [Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record] when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.

Osmosis Jones: She ain't going down. (The camera reveals that Thrax's hand is stuck in the eyelash.) You are!

(The eyelash breaks and falls with Thrax stuck on it, while Osmosis escapes safely.)

NC (vo; as Osmosis Jones): She's not going down! You're going down on her!

NC: I probably should've rephrased that, but honestly, it's not as bad as anything else said in this movie.

(The eyelash falls into a beaker of alcohol, killing Thrax in a manner similar to the T-1000's death in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. At this time, Frank's temperature surpasses 108 degrees, causing him to go into cardiac arrest. Clinging onto one of Shane's tears as she mourns her father, Osmosis falls back into Frank's mouth with the stolen nucleotide, reviving him just in time.)

NC (vo): The eyelash falls off, killing the disease, Jones returns with the cure, and Dr. Ben Affleck seems to have brought Frank back to life.

(Frank slowly awakens and looks at Shane.)

Frank: Mama says "Hi".

NC: (as Frank) Oh, wait, can I try that emotional moment again?

NC (vo; as Frank): I clearly should've been eating a pork rind or something.

(Osmosis is praised by all the citizens of Frank and is welcomed back on the force, with Drix as his partner, and starts a relationship with Leah. Meanwhile, Frank, having recovered and now committed to living a healthier lifestyle, is going on a hiking trip with Shane.)

NC (vo): So the day is saved, Jones and Drix are back on the force, and Frank goes on a beautiful hike with his daughter. What's the most heartwarming way to end this all? A fart.

(Frank farts, mainly thanks to the now-fired Mayor pressing a "fart" button, sending him flying out Frank.)

Shane: (annoyed) Dad.

Frank: Out with the old, in with the new.

(The movie ends.)

NC: Well, at the very least, you can say this film represented the turd very well.

(Clips of the movie play as NC gives his final thought.)

NC (vo): The sad thing is, there are some clever ideas in this movie. I mean, the designs are great, the environment itself is pretty cool, and sometimes, even some of the puns are kind of clever. The animation as well is so gorgeous to look at, it’s just so colorful and flowing. But the story is every boring buddy cop flick, the live-action stuff is awkwardly done, and a lot of the humor just isn’t that funny. I admire this film a lot more for its creativity, but in terms of a good comedy or action film, they both fall pretty ill.

NC: But who knows? Maybe somebody saw these creative choices and was inspired by it years later.

(We once again go back inside NC's head, where the emotions are stunned at what NC just said.)

Ozzy: Yeah, inspired to rip it off!

Joy: Okay, clearly we stole some things from you.

Ozzy: Thank you!

Joy: Some of those things couldn't have been just a coincidence.

Ozzy: Thank you!

Joy: But we did something with them, something smart, something meaningful, something that can change and help lives.

Anger: All your movie did was help people lose their faith in David Hyde Pierce!

Ozzy: Hey, don't force me to make my voice even more gravelly and air-choking!

Disgust: By God! How do you make a living off that voice?

Ozzy: It's kind of like nuclear power. If used right, it's effective. But use it the wrong way, and it'll fuck you up for life.

Sadness: It's also far away from the control panel.

(The five emotions raise their hands.)

Ozzy: What does that have to do with...? (The five emotions all press a button, causing Ozzy to be blasted out of NC's head. Ozzy lands on NC's desk and looks at him as NC looks back) What are you looking at, Bald Al Yankovic?!

NC: Oh, God, an early 2000s movie Chris Rock!

Ozzy: Hey, team me up with Anthony Hopkins again and we can do any--

(NC flicks Ozzy away from his desk.)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...even when we don't want to admit it.

(He gets up and leaves as Ozzy continues shouting.)

Ozzy: (off-screen) HEY! I WAS IN LETHAL WEAPON 4!

(The credits roll.)

Channel Awesome Tagline: Frank: Sha-a-a-a-a-a-a-ane!


  • This was the first Nostalgia Critic episode not to be uploaded on, when Maker Studios (who owned, announced the website would be shut down the following month, because of this announcement, this was the first review to not be uploaded on blip.