May 17, 2016
(NC 2016 opening)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to another edition of Old vs. New.
(Old vs. New opening)
NC: It's the fairy tale that teaches kids all around the world that it doesn't matter what you look like or where you come from. As long as you work hard and have a kind heart, you, too, can get a makeover.
NC (vo): Cinderella is a tale that's been told countless times, but the most definitive version belonged to Disney Animation in 1950. So it only figured when you have a money-maker so iconic that it's cemented in everybody's memory, you remake it 65 years later. To much surprise, though, not only were there big names and astounding visuals, but it also got quite the critical backing, too, with people praising it for being such a stylized update. But as always, which one is better? Which one feels the most engaging, clever, and all-around magical?
NC: Now, of course, being a big nostalgic persuasion, I have a little bit of a leaning towards the old. (He turns to the left and the background frame is filled with glitter) If only I could wish for someone that had an opposite opinion of me... (Nothing happens) ...If only I could wish for someone that had an opposite opinion of me... (Nothing happens again) ...If only I could--WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!
(Hyper Fangirl (Tamara) finally arrives in front of a glittery background dressed as a Fairy Godmother)
HFG: Sorry, this thing is really hard to walk in.
NC: Christ, even when I want you in a video, you can't get it right.
HFG: Hey, give me a chance. I have whimsical support on this one.
NC: Yeah? Who?
(His "answer" bursts in right behind Fangirl and shouts...)
"Answer": DEVIL BONER!!!!!!
NC: Oh, great! What whimsical support can you offer?
Devil Boner: Hey! I can get in touch with my feminine side! Watch. SPARKLES! (Sparkles appear) BUTTERFLIES! (Butterflies appear) EXPLOSIONS! (The butterflies explode)
Devil Boner: No? O-okay, no explosions. No explosions. But, um...ponies?
Devil Boner: PONIES! (Ponies appear)
NC: (sighs) How are you two still a thing?
Devil Boner: What can I say? I love a woman that writes fanfiction about me.
Devil Boner: You did it better.
HFG: YOU did!
Devil Boner: No, YOU did!
HFG: YOU did!
(They continue on until NC clears his throat)
NC: Hyper, isn't Benny gonna feel weird that you have another outlet for mindless violence?
HFG: Oh, come on! He's a professional assassin. This kind of thing doesn't bother people like him.
(But little does she know that Benny (Malcolm) is actually watching the video on his phone. Sad piano music plays throughout)
Benny: It's nothing, Benny. Nothing. Just add her to the list.
(He adds her name to the list of "People Who Dun Fucked Up", which also includes Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-un, and the cast of Friends. Cut back to NC)
NC: Okay, are you gonna debate me on these Cinderella movies or not?
HFG: There is no debating. The new one is better, if for no other reason that the lead actress had to lose two (an arrow points at 2015 Cinderella's ribs) ribs to fit into that dress.
NC: But it's so sexist and bland.
HFG: The ORIGINAL is sexist and bland!
NC: You just like it 'cause there's more flash sparkles to play to your inner five-year-old. You're a flaky-flaley-flashy-holic!
Devil Boner: What did you call her?
HFG: Honey! Honey! I'm gonna do the crossover. Why don't you go start a war with a random country?
Devil Boner: Ooh! I get to use my random war generator! (He uses it to find a country) Jamaica it is! (Then he leaves to start the war)
NC: So, Hyper, are you ready to be proven wrong once again?
HFG: (sitting down in her room) The day you start being right.
NC: Let's do Cinderella: Old vs. New.
(The usual secondary intro plays out, showing various images of both Cinderella movies, the old (1950) and the new (2015))
NC: Sometimes, a prince leaves no impact on you whatsoever.
(Fangirl is shown holding the soundtrack to Purple Rain)
HFG: (offended) Dude! Too soon.
NC: I was talking about the royal position!
HFG: And I'm not?
NC: (sighs) He's the arm candy of our main character's dream. Let's take a look at Best Prince.
Best Prince Edit
(An image of various Disney princesses and princes are shown)
NC (vo): While a lot of people give flak to several Disney princesses for not having enough character, people forget the princes weren't even given time to have character. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and yes, Cinderella, all have princes with only a handful of lines.
HFG (vo): And where the one from Sleeping Beauty fought a dragon and the one from Snow White saved her from death, this one... (Yawns as the animated Prince is shown yawning) yawns.
NC: Okay, look, it was a different time, a time when...
HFG: Yawning was an attractive trait?
NC: I don't think you're taking to account how sexy that yawn was.
HFG: Heck, his father...
(The Prince's father and his servant from the animated movie are shown)
HFG (vo): ...gets more screentime in this. So does his servant, for that matter.
NC: (defensive) Yes, yes, but...through them, we're discovering the Prince's character, and they are also relaying the chemistry between our two romantic leads...
HFG: You got nothing.
NC: I got nothing.
(Footage of the remake's Prince, portrayed by Richard Madden, is shown)
HFG (vo): Now with the remake, not only is the Prince given a lot more onscreen time, but there's also a lot of time to develop their chemistry. Cinderella and him meet before the ball, and they have time to talk like normal people and build an appreciation of each other. Even during the ball, they talk and share experiences that help them build a stronger connection. She doesn't just see him and declare, "this is love", like in the original.
NC: (arms folded and annoyed) I wouldn't know anybody who did that.
HFG: I've moved on, Critic. I found a more sensible love.
(Devil Boner's voice is heard on Fangirl's cell phone)
DB (from the phone): Hey, babe. It turns out it's easy to start a war with this place. You just tell them that Cool Runnings is a 100% true story!
HFG: Bring me back the Rasta hats, smoochums!
DB (from the phone): Will do. (Yelling and gunshots are heard)
(Back to live-action footage)
NC (vo): Okay, so, maybe this Prince has more charm, more personality, more screentime, more chemistry, and pretty much more of a connection with everybody he comes in contact with.
NC: But there is one thing that Prince does not have. (An image of the animated Prince is shown) A shit-ton of eyeliner!
HFG: (holding the Purple Rain soundtrack) Dude, again, too soon.
NC: (defeated) Just take the point.
HFG: After you give him an apology. (NC sighs) He's waiting.
Round 1 Winner - New
NC: Disney has always created the greatest villains, and what's scarier than a middle-aged woman who's obsessed with housework?
HFG: Virtually anything!
NC: This is Best Villain!
Best Villain Edit
NC (vo): This one is rough because it really is like comparing apples to oranges.
HFG (vo): Well, to Snow White, that's an easy choice.
(An image of an unconscious Snow White's hand reaching out to the bitten apple is shown. Footage of Lady Tremaine in the animated movie is shown)
NC (vo): The original is said by many to be one of the greatest Disney villains ever, with her style, grace and love of all the villainous things that she does. The only downside is, it's only explained in narration why she doesn't like Cinderella. Because of this, it's a little harder to identify with her motivation.
(Footage of the remake's Lady Tremaine, portrayed by Cate Blanchett, is shown)
HFG (vo): In the new film, we see how her bitterness is born. She hears her husband confess that he preferred the first wife more, which makes her angry towards his offspring all the more understandable. We also see her slowly lure Cinderella into the role of servant, showing how patient and manipulative she can be.
NC: The downside to that is, it may make her too human by comparison.
NC (vo): Which one is more frightening? The one whose motivations are made totally clear, or the one shrouded in mystery you're supposed to have no sorrow for? The original is so slimy and hateful, there's virtually no good in her at all, while the new one is so fragile and relatable that you can see the tragedy play out in every mean-spirited move that she makes. The original acts like someone who's in control, while the remake acts like someone who wants to be in control.
(Images of the two characters in breakfast cereal boxes, Zukos and Frollos, are shown)
HFG (vo): One is sympathetic, while the other is pure evil, both still coming off as complex and interesting.
HFG: So how do we really judge which one is best?
NC: Well, I guess whichever one scares us the most is the most intimidating.
HFG: Well, I guess that speech that the new one made in the dark is creepy in its own right.
(NC points to the left, and we see, surprise, the animated Lady Tremaine's signature evil glare. That image scares HFG)
HFG: Aah! Uh, but the new one has the mind of a sociopath, which is very psychologically terrifying...
(NC points to the left again, and we see the animated Lady Tremaine's evil glare again, again scaring HFG)
HFG: AAAH! But the new one has a more developed past, allowing her to--
(Once more, NC points to the left, we see the animated Lady Tremaine's evil glare, and once again, HFG is frightened)
HFG: Okay! She wins! God, that look is scary.
NC: (snickers) Some people just can't handle a good old-fashioned death glare.
(HFG suddenly points her wand to the camera, and we are suddenly shown the image of Don Bluth's famous death glare. Needless to say, NC is frightened)
NC: Aaaah! You whore!
HFG: Remember, I can point just as hard as you.
NC: Yeah, we seem to have unbelievable power with this, don't we?
(Deciding to test out this power, NC and HFG both point their finger and wand several times, and we are shown several weird and creepy images, eventually ending with us being shown the poster of the TV show Rob, scaring them both)
NC and HFG: Aaah!
HFG: Never forget.
Round 2 Winner - Old
NC: Hey, Hyper, by any chance, are you of Indian descent?
HFG: No, why?
(We suddenly cut to Benny aiming his sniper at a not-noticing Fangirl. We go to a commercial. After that, we cut back to Benny preparing to snipe Fangirl. He shoots, until Devil Boner appears and takes the bullet on his head, but is not affected, surprising everyone)
DB: There's 20 metal plates in my head. The only downside is, I don't know what half the words that begin with S mean. Ask me the definition of seagull.
HFG: What's the definition of seagull?
DB: Stop making up words, honey!
(Benny and Devil Boner face each other)
Benny: You don't get it. When you hire an assassin, you use only him, for life.
DB: No, you don't understand. When you have a review already full of a ton of estrogen...
DB: ...and the good-looking half of the estrogen is threatened, you will wake a demon that will not sleep into the nig-- (Suddenly brings out a Rasta hat and throws it to Fangirl) Oh, by the way, honey, I got your hat.
HFG: Thank you so much, wooble!
DB: No problem, babe. (Resumes speaking to Benny) ...into the night.
Benny: You might be good with a gun, but you're nothing compared to my stealth.
DB: Ha! I can see you coming a mile away... (Suddenly, Benny is shown to have vanished) I was looking right at him! How did he do that?
HFG: Is something wrong, possum bear?
DB: Nothing, Hearteater. You and your lady friend keep talking princesses.
NC: (annoyed) Stop calling me that.
DB: I have to bury my bullets into the bloody body of a bastardized bitch!
HFG: No! (Takes his gun away)
(Fangirl brings out another gun)
HFG: This one has more bullets.
DB: (takes the gun) Oh! I love you, skullcrusher!
HFG: I love you, turtle duck!
(She kisses his gun. Devil Boner yells and runs off, shooting all the while. NC is stunned by all of this)
HFG: Back to the debate.
NC: But it all sounded amazing!
NC: Okay, fine! This is Best Side Characters!
(Explosions and gunshots are heard, causing NC to whimper in sadness)
Best Support Edit
(Footage of the mice, both the original and the remake, is shown)
HFG (vo): Though everyone remembers the talking mice in the original, they're very scaled down in the remake, to the point where they don't even speak.
NC (vo): A different tone, to say the least, but everyone loves the singing mice and their...
Female mouse (to Jaq): Leave the sewing to the women!
NC (vo): ...slightly sexist lines.
NC: Hey, Stallone knitted a sweater! (A clip of John Spartan knitting a sweater from Demolition Man is shown)
(Footage of various supporting characters, both the original and the remake, is shown)
NC (vo): But come on. Who could forget Lucifer the cat, or the horse, or the dog, or the King and servants, the stepsisters? These are characters we all remember.
HFG (vo): Yes, you remember them because there's a ton of time devoted to them, too much time. In the remake, the supporting cast stays exactly that: supportive. In the original, they hijack the movie on several occasions. While they're cute and all, they take time away from the more important elements, like the Prince and the chemistry they're supposed to build between him and Cinderella.
NC: But, hey, you were talking about how the King gets way too much time in the old one. He gets just as much time in the new one.
HFG: Yes, but it's with the Prince.
(The remake's King is shown)
HFG (vo): Every scene with him is helping develop the Prince's character even more, establishing his responsibilities, his goals, and his connection with his father. You never even see the Prince and his father together in the original, apart from an eye roll.
NC: But again, it was a very passionate eye roll.
(Both versions of the Fairy Godmother are shown)
NC (vo): I suppose the last big one to talk about is the Fairy Godmother. In the new one, she's played more for laughs because, well, she's Helena Bonham Carter and that's what you do with her now.
HFG (vo): But you have to admit, some comedy is very welcomed after Cinderella is at her lowest moment. And also, she has to prove her worth by disguising herself as a homeless lady looking for water. And it's only after Cinderella gives it to her that she grants all her wishes.
NC: But isn't that kind of pointless? She has to know she's a kind person if she's showing up there. I mean, watching her like a "Godmother".
HFG: Maybe, but have you figured this?
HFG (vo): Cinderella is in shambles. She can't go to the ball, her dress is ruined, and her family hates her. Most people in that state would be too frustrated to be nice to the old woman, so by helping someone else, even in her worst moments, it cements what a good person she is.
NC: I guess, but, I don't know. The other one talks to her like a loving grandparent.
NC (vo): Someone she's familiar with enough to know she would do that anyway. She has a warmth and a comfort that needs to be seen after such hardship. I wouldn't want a laugh after going through all of this. (We see the animated clip of the stepsisters tearing Cinderella's dress apart) I would want to feel supported. And after years of slaving for your family suddenly being put to a test to see if you're a nice person does not seem very supportive!
HFG: Okay, maybe the Fairy Godmother is a little better in the original.
NC: Did I mention she's a liar, too?
Fairy Godmother (Live-Action): (after giving Cinderella the glass slippers) And you'll find they're really comfortable.
NC: I got glass sneakers because of her. (An image of glass sneakers are shown) THEY HURT!
HFG: But the fact still remains that the supporting cast does more than support.
(Footage of the mice battling against Lucifer in the original are shown)
HFG (vo): They take over, they steal scenes that shouldn't have to be stolen by them. While there is still focus on Cinderella and the Stepmother, other important elements are being overlooked. (Footage of the live-action supporting cast is shown) And the new film keeps the focus where it should be. The main characters stay the main characters, and the supporting roles stay the supporting roles.
NC: (sighs) I guess I can't really fault you on that. New gets the point.
HFG: You forgot a heartless Prince joke.
NC: Shut up.
Round 3 Winner - New
NC: But as simple as a story is, there's always room to muck it up. Trust me, Disney's done it before. (A poster for Alice in Wonderland (2010) is shown) This is which one mucked it up less!
Best Story Edit
NC (vo): The funny thing about a simple story is they can be surprisingly tough to tell. You want to connect with the characters in a relatable setup, but even in an hour and a half, you have to know what to expand on and what to keep limited.
HFG (vo): Like I said before, the first film expands too much on the side characters and not enough on some of the main ones.
NC (vo): But in the new film's case, the attempts to add more detail can help some scenes, but seriously damage others. For example, when Cinderella is not allowed to sit at the table with the others, it's when she realizes she's truly not a part of the family, causing her to finally break down. This is a powerful scene and all, but then it ruins the moment when her dress is destroyed.
NC: Or...slightly ripped?
(In the live-action version, the Stepmother rips the right side off Cinderella's dress)
NC (vo): Yeah, that's...that's a gut-wrenching moment. But even if they did it like the original, it wouldn't work because we got the breakdown earlier. Because of this, the arrival of the Fairy Godmother is not as powerful. In the animated one, it's by far her lowest moment because they knew to save it, thus, you feel more emotion for her and more relief when the Fairy Godmother arrives.
HFG (vo): But the story did allow for other emotional moments that weren't in the first. The King, for example, is given a lot of time with his son, and when he passes away, it's a legitimately sad moment. The ways they allow for Cinderella and the Prince to meet before the ball are also very clever, giving them more time to form a connection.
NC: The problem with that is, every single time she leaves the house, it makes her a slightly less magical night when she goes to the ball.
NC (vo): Cinderella goes to the town and quite a few other places several times in the new one, which is fine. But in the original, everything she does is in that one location. It's a nice location, so it's not visually dull, but that's all you ever see. The story is very clever in keeping her there as not only does it emphasize the feeling of being imprisoned, but also the freedom when she does leave and enters this heavenly dreamlike castle. Therefore, we're more sucked into the experience because, like her, it's her first time seeing it.
HFG: Yeah, but all the wasted time with the side characters!
NC: Yeah, but all the time wasted on the unneeded exposition!
HFG: But everything in the original is so obvious!
NC: And this one isn't? Gee, I wonder what the message was again.
Cinderella's mother (Live-Action): Have courage and be kind.
Narrator (Fairy Godmother): Have courage and be kind.
Mother's voice: Have courage and be kind.
Cinderella's mother (Live-Action): Have courage and be kind.
Prince (Live-Action): Be kind.
Cinderella (Live-Action): And have courage.
HFG: Fine. I guess there's both good things and bad things about them.
NC: Yeah, I guess it just depends if you're looking for more mystery or more explanation. So, what do we do in this case?
HFG: Can there be a tie?
NC: A tie? That's for pussies who don't believe some animals are as equal as others!
HFG: There's pros and cons to both. I don't think we're gonna find one that's better than the other.
NC: (sighs) Okay, I guess we can have a tie. But I'm not gonna let this choice demean my masculinity, nor anything else in the rest of this video!
(Meanwhile, in the large staff room, we see Devil Boner and Benny continue to battle it out. Due to Benny's super-good stealth skills, Devil Boner is struggling to find where Benny is hiding when Benny takes a shot. Devil Boner gets shot in the head twice, with no effect, causing him to yell in frustration. He begins running, but in slow-motion, accidentally steps on a land mine which causes it to explode, knocking Devil Boner to the ground. Devil Boner gets up and yells)
DB: THINGS!! (Gets hit by another bullet from Benny) All right, buddy! You wanna play dirty? Well, time to play with Johnson Justice!
(Benny is hiding next to a wall. He turns around and sees something that causes him to gasp)
Benny: Holy mother of Go--
(Cut back to NC. We hear an explosion off-screen as he speaks)
NC: God knows we talked about pretty much everything you can talk about. But there is one last element to discuss, the most important element of the movie: the main character. This is the Best Cinderella.
Best Cinderella Edit
HFG: Now this one, you know you have to give to the remake.
(Footage of the remake's Cinderella, portrayed by Lily James, is shown)
HFG (vo): It's like everyone says. This Cinderella is stronger, more independent, more intelligent, and more developed than that simple songbird who does practically nothing in the first film.
HFG: The audiences liked her, the critics liked her. Come on. This is, hands down, the winner.
NC: Well, I would agree with you if it wasn't for one solitary fact.
HFG: What's that?
NC: You're all full of shit.
NC (vo): What makes this Cinderella independent?
HFG (vo): Well, she leaves the house, goes into town, and has smart conversations with the Prince.
NC: Hmm. So if she could leave the house at any time, why does she stay there and take all that abuse?
HFG: Well, like she says, it's her father's home.
Cinderella (Live-Action): Because I made my mother and father a promise: to cherish the place we were so happy.
NC: Oh, is that why (The ending of the live-action movie, showing Cinderella leaving the house with the Prince, is shown) she ends up leaving at the end anyway? And even if it was her father's home, why go through all that hardship just for that?*
- (Note: In a deleted scene at the end of the movie, as well as in the film's novelization, it's revealed that Cinderella and the Prince go back to the house for their honeymoon, restoring the house to its former glory)
HFG: Well, okay, it doesn't quite make sense, but the one in the other film could leave, too.
(Footage of the animated movie's Cinderella is shown)
NC (vo): You see, in the original, the father died when she was just a child. This gives the Stepmother plenty of time to brainwash her and make her think she's supposed to feel guilty and serve her family. And seeing how she was kept in the home all that time, this indicates that she doesn't know that much about how the real world works. She talks to rats and birds, for crying out loud! (Back to the live-action Cinderella) In the new one, the father dies when she's an adult, she leaves all the time. In fact, her friends...yeah, she has friends in this one...say she should leave that place!
Cinderella's friend: Why do you stay there when they treat you so?
Cinderella (Live-Action): They loved their house, and now that they're gone, I love it for them.
NC (vo): So this makes absolutely no sense. By attempting to make her quote "smarter" and "independent", they actually opened up a ton of plot holes, making her look dumber and weaker.
HFG: Okay, so she's not the brightest wand in Hogwarts. But, you have to admit, she's stronger. She's not as passive as the animated one.
NC (vo): In the original, she felt stuck in her position, but she clearly didn't like it. She did get angry, she did have her breaking points. Even though she was taught over the years to be a certain way, she was still human and relatable. This one (Live-action remake), aside from her one big breakdown which they tried to do twice, she just kind of smiles and looks happy like a zombie most of the time.
(Both versions of the scene where the stepmother locks Cinderella in the attic are shown)
NC (vo): In fact, in the animated one, when it comes to being locked in the attic and held against her will, she does try to get out. She hits the door, she screams, she asks her animal friends for help. She does everything she can to get out of there. In the new one, she fully accepts her doom and just spins around in circles, humming to herself*. Yeah, this is the strong, independent role model the critics were talking about. She actually escapes by MISTAKE, when the animals open up her window and they hear her voice.
- (Note: The live-action Cinderella was locked in the attic for a large amount of time, all through the night and into the next day)
NC: That's not strong, that's the definition of giving up while also being saved by luck!
HFG: (starting to lose steam, but still on the defensive) But, uh...she's so charming!
NC: No. She's not allowed to be, because they're focusing more on her being "smart" and "independent".
(Images of several characters, including Mrs. Brisby, Rogue, Indiana Jones and Bruce Wayne from Batman (1989), are shown)
NC (vo): People miss what makes a strong character is how they deal with their flaws, their fears, their turmoils, their troubles that get in the way. That's what makes them relatable. (Back to the live-action Cinderella) But this Cinderella doesn't have any flaws, at least, none that they'll acknowledge. You could argue she's too passive, but what does she do to solve that? Let someone else save the day and not even try! (Shows animated Cinderella) This Cinderella at least gave a shit, because while having a character be strong is good, it's more important to have them interesting first. This character (live-action) is not interesting. I'm not gonna act like the original is the best written character, but you felt her pain, you understood her anger, and you cheered for her when things went right because she allowed you to see her most fragile moments.
HFG: (still on the defensive, but losing more steam) But...but...her dress!
(We are shown the live-action Cinderella in her new blue dress)
HFG (vo): Did you...it looks so amazing!
NC: And that's why you're falling for it. It looks the part and sounds the part, but it's not portraying the part.
(Images of Charlie Bucket from both film versions of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are shown)
NC (vo): It's like the two Charlies from the Willy Wonka movies. One (the original) is an emotional yet dreamful kid, and the other (remake) is Jesus! We're obviously going to relate with the one that acts like a real kid because we all were real kids, we could relate to that.
(Back to footage of both Cinderellas)
NC (vo): It's the same thing here. It doesn't matter what you claim she is or isn't. If you don't connect with her, there's no emotion. And this movie has made it impossible to connect with her because they tried to make her flawless, ironically creating unintentional flaws with her that are never acknowledged or resolved.
HFG: (desperate) But...HER DRESS!
NC: (ignoring that plead) Point goes to the old!
HFG: (breaking down) OH, IT'S SO SPARKLY!
Round 5 Winner - Old
NC: So, with everything wrapped up, let's see who the winner is.
(Surprisingly, the result of this Old vs. New is a tie, the first one in history. Wah-wah music plays in the background)
NC: Another tie?! What the hell, man?! We can't end like this!
HFG: Yeah! We need to find the best Cinderella movie!
(Benny suddenly flies in after being blasted by Devil Boner, who has now connected his gun to his crotch)
DB: Ha-ha! Didn't expect old Johnson Justice, did you?! (Benny looks at Devil Boner, who prepares to fire) Now open your mouth. I'm gonna give you the finishing blow.
(Fangirl stops him)
HFG: Honey raisin, can you help us settle a dispute?
DB: Oh. You still have your little book club going on?
NC: (annoyed) I swear to God...
HFG: We're trying to decide what's the better Cinderella film. The original or the remake?
DB: Really? You're asking me this right now?
NC: Answer the question! Cartoon or remake?
HFG: Yeah! (Taps her wand on Devil Boner's gun) The cartoon or the remake?
DB: (thinks for a moment) Ever After.
NC: (stunned) The Drew Barrymore movie?
DB: Yeah. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it.
(Clips from Ever After are shown as Devil Boner gives his thought)
DB (vo): It's cool, it's smart, it's got swordfighting, Morticia Addams as the Stepmother. Hell, even Cinderella does a little fighting.
DB: Yeah, there's no magic, but...I hate that shit. I got Johnson Justice. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna finish what I star-- (Sees Benny has vanished) Damn it! How does he keep doing that?!
(Benny is right behind Devil Boner, about to shoot him, until NC stops him)
NC: Benny, what's your favorite Cinderella movie?
Benny: Oh, uh, Ever After.
DB: (surprised) What? (He and Benny tap their guns, both surprised they have something in common)
(More clips from Ever After are shown as Benny gives his thought while Erik Satie's "Gymnopédie No 1" plays in the background)
Benny (vo): The writing is clever, the characters are interesting, the villain is fun, and there's just enough changes to keep it fresh but still stay true to the heart of the story.
NC: Actually, the more I think about it, it is a really good Cinderella story.
HFG: Yeah, like, really good.
NC: Cinderella is strong, but interesting.
HFG: The villain is evil, but also intriguing.
NC: There's plenty of action and adventure.
HFG: But good romance and dress porn.
NC: We should just pick that one.
HFG: Are we allowed?
NC: Yeah, why not? I mean, I think everyone can agree...
(Footage from both Disney Cinderella movies are shown once more)
NC (vo): ...that the two Cinderella movies have pros and cons, and everyone's gonna just kind of like the version they like.
NC: But Ever After is clearly better.
HFG: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's give it to Ever After!
NC: You got it. The best Cinderella movie is Ever After, because it's my show, and I can do whatever the goddamn hell I want!
(The poster for Ever After appears with an explosion that blows up both the two Disney Cinderella posters)
NC: Well, that was certainly an interesting discussion, and with a twist ending.
HFG: Yeah, but what do we do now?
Benny: I don't know. It seems a little weird to kill a fellow Ever After fan.
DB: There's only one incredible manly thing to do in this situation.
(The two tap their guns. We cut to Devil Boner, Fangirl and Benny sitting on the couch and preparing to watch TV with snacks in their laps. Benny talks to a phone)
Benny: Siri, play Ever After.
(The trio begin watching Ever After as NC watches them)
NC: Once again, the magic of Anjelica Houston unites us all.
DB: Now, this is how real men spend their Friday nights.
DB: Oh, don't worry, buzzsaw. You're an honorary dude tonight.
(The trio continue to watch Ever After while chatting with each other as the credits roll)
DB: So, was she drunk during this movie, too?
Benny: I'm not entirely sure. I'm just glad she actually does something.
HFG: Her dress isn't as good, but it's still pretty badass.
DB: Isn't it usually the other way around, like, you start off sober and then you get drunk as you get older?
HFG: I'm always drunk.
Benny: It's never too early.
DB: Where is Anjelica Huston? Like, I know she's right in front of me, don't get me wrong, but, I mean, like, just, the actress. Where did she go?
HFG: Jamaica, I think.
DB: Oh. Uh, she might not be there anymore.
DB: I was kind of wondering what a bald, white woman was doing there.
HFG: It's okay.
DB: It's not like they were gonna do Addams Family 3.
Channel Awesome Tagline: Female mouse: Leave the sewing to the women!