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Old
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Release Date
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January 5, 2022
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Running Time
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27:10
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Previous Review
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Link
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Video
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(After the Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence, we open on a hallway in the studio. A racket is heard somewhere. NC walks out of his office and down the hall. He turns toward the commotion coming from down the way. He sees everyone playing some sort of game. Curious, NC walks toward the group. Malcolm, Tamara, Jim and even NC's father Barney are all playing a gambling game of some kind since it involves them putting real money in a pile together.)
Tamara: All right, one more time.
Barney: All right.
(At that moment, NC walks up to the group.)
NC: Hey, what's going on?
Malcolm: Oh, Shyamalan Dice. (rolls dice)
NC: (confused) You said that like it's a thing.
Jim: It is a thing.
Tamara: So, you know how Shyamalan writes and directs terrible movies?
NC: (holds up index finger) And ghost-writes. The blame must be shared for She's All That.
Tamara: Well, they've been so hit-and-miss lately that people are saying they're literally a roll of the dice.
NC: Oh! (looks up in thought) So...
Malcolm: So now we literally roll the dice.
NC: Huh, sounds like fun. What's up?
(The poster for the following pops up...)
Tamara (vo): The Visit.
NC: Oh, okay! (He takes the dice from Malcolm's hand.) Uh, I got, uh, two hundred saying it's bad.
(Everyone cheers in agreement as NC rolls the dice and then tosses them. However, both dice come up reading, "Good". Everyone laughs, except NC, who looks confused.)
NC: That's bullshit! (takes dice again) Double or nothing! What's up next?
(The poster for the following pops up...)
Jim (vo): Split!
NC: All right, that's gotta be bad!
Barney: All right! (puts some money on the ground)
(NC tosses the dice, but again, they read "Good". Everyone cheers except NC.)
NC: No way is it gonna be good! All right, triple or nothing! (takes dice) What's next?
(The poster for the following pops up...)
Tamara (vo): Uh, Glass!
NC: Glass? Okay, I'm gonna say that's...uh, good!
(NC rolls the dice again. This time, only one die reads "Good", while the other reads "Bad".)
Jim: Oh, half and half.
NC: Eh, I'll take it. (takes dice again)
Jim: You'd think Split would've rolled like that.
NC: All right, what's the next one?
Malcolm: Uh...
(An image of the following pops up...)
Malcolm (vo): ...Servant.
NC: (holds up index finger) All right, I'm gonna say it's, uh, good!
Everyone: All right, all right!
(NC rolls the dice again, but becomes confused when the dice disappear!)
Jim: Huh, I guess nobody saw it.
Tamara: But it's on its third season.
NC: Well, I'll just say it doesn't count. (takes dice again) What's next?
(The poster for the following pops up...)
Tamara: Old.
NC: Oh, it's gotta be good!
Malcolm: Oh, it's just gotta be bad!
NC: Let's roll and find out.
(As everyone cheers him, NC rolls the dice. They then cheer, but NC becomes confused.)
NC: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
(The dice are revealed to both have "Bad" displayed, but that's not all. A Van Gogh painting has mysteriously appeared on the floor under the dice.)
NC: It rolled bad, but it resulted in a Vincent Van Gogh painting.
Malcolm: Exactly. We all win.
NC: What?
Tamara: It rolled bad, but it's so bad, it automatically created a masterpiece.
NC: Oh. So, who gets the money?
Malcolm: Shyamalan.
(Everyone hands their money out to Shyamalan, who is standing there. He takes the money from everyone.)
Shyamalan: Thank you. It's nice to be seeing this in my hands again.
NC: You know, for all your problems, you keep sticking around.
Shyamalan: I'm like a bad masseuse. You don't notice me until I start rubbing you the wrong way.
(The title for Old is shown, followed by footage of the film.)
NC (vo): Based on the graphic novel "Sandcastle", Old was released in July of 2021 and is certainly a return to form for M. Night Shyamalan. Oh, not Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, or Visit Shyamalan; I'm talking Happening, Lady in the Water, and Signs Shyamalan. The "so bad, it's entertaining for completely different reasons" gold. Though a decent hit at the box office, Old didn't exactly win over a ton of critics and audiences. But you're not looking at it from the right point of view. Don't think of this as (An image of Shyamalan is inserted, while NC whispers...) Shyamalan, look at this as (Another image of Shyamalan is inserted, but with cartoonish crazy eyes added on and a jester hat on his head, while NC exclaims...) Shyamalan! It has all his goofiest tropes that really only he can bring to us. There are so many characters, so many lines, and so many story threads that make absolutely no sense, and the more you think about it, the more hilarious they become. I'm so excited to have you bad again, Shyamalan, so let's take a closer look.
NC: This is good old Shyamalan making bad new Old!
NC (vo): Your first clue this is finely aged/expired M. Night is in its opening dialogue, as we see the Cappa family being driven to a resort.
Prisca (Vicky Krieps): Sing it girl!
Maddox (Alexa Swinton): You know I can't.
Trent (Nolan River): Her spontaneity has been stripped from her.
NC: (smiling) These are things humans say.
NC (vo): And oh, yeah, the dialogue keeps going like this.
Trent: Are we close?
Prisca: Stop wishing away this moment.
NC: Okay, you can tell me an A.I. wrote this script, right?
NC (vo): That was the assignment: a computer writes a Shyamalan script? It's like...
(As NC speaks below, the opening message from Unbreakable appears in the corner: "There are 35 pages and 124 illustrations in the average comic book. A single issue ranges in price from $1.00 to over $140,000. 172,000 comics are sold in the U.S. every day. Over 62,780,000 each year. The average comic collector owns 3,312 comics and will spend approximately 1 year of his or her life reading them.")
NC (vo): ..."Insert statistic that has a lot of numbers here."
Resort manager: There's 250,000 furniture-related injuries in the United States per year.
NC: I love as technology is evolving, we're de-evolving.
NC (vo): This is Presca (pronounces it "Press-ka"), played by Vicky Krieps, with her husband, Guy, played by Gael García Bernal. Both these performers (Posters for Phantom Thread and Y Tu Mamá También are shown) been wonderful in other films, but that was before the Shyama-wand was waved, and like magic, they talk like one of those text-to-speech apps.
(A montage is shown of Presca and Guy's dialogue in the film.)
Presca: You don't know me. I curate exhibits for museums. There's something very wrong with my child.
(Cut.)
Guy: Most people who die on vacation, die from overindulgence of food or alcohol or a mixture of all of the above, 99.4 percent of the time.
NC (vo): Don't worry, though; they're quickly overshadowed by the kids, Trent and Maddox, particularly Trent, who just so happens to love asking strangers who they are and what they do for a living.
(Another montage is shown, this one of Trent's dialogue.)
Trent: Who are you and what do you do for a living? / What are your names and occupation? / What are your names and occupations? / What's your name and what do you do for a living?
NC: What a convenient quirk! That just happens to get across character exposition in a totally believable way!
NC (vo): Now, I will admit at first, I thought maybe the kid had some sort of condition where he focuses on stuff like that. But as the film continues, he gets older and he never talks like this again. At all.
Older Trent (Emun Elliott): He has no idea what it means, but he knows it's bad. He's trying to help us.
NC (vo): And remembering (A shot of the boy from Signs is inserted.) the bizarre dialogue of the kids in Signs, I truly think this is how Shyamalan thinks children.
Younger Trent: (to another boy) You can come over to my house and make up stories. Then we can go to the same college together, and become neighbors with mortgages.
NC: (shakes head, amused) Okay, that's great dialogue for background characters in a video game. Actually, it's not even that. But you do know we're hearing every line you're writing, right?
NC (vo): There's literally trouble in paradise, though, as Guy and Presca get in a big argument about not letting the kids know she's slowly dying. And they're getting a divorce.
Presca: (yelling at her husband) You're always thinking about the future!
(Their argument is so loud that their children can hear through the wall. Maddox is hugging Trent.)
Presca: It makes me feel not seen!
NC (vo; as Maddox): Good job keeping this from us, guys! (as Trent) Are we to blame? (as Maddox) I think so. (normal) We're then introduced to more people who speak entirely in foreshadowing.
Woman: (to a waiter) I have a calcium deficiency. (to her young daughter) Sit up, Carol, honey. You don't want to be hunched when you grow up, baby. It's very unattractive.
NC: (stroking chin) I wonder if that calcium thing's going to make her a hunchback. (looks offscreen) What do you think, Harvey?
(Cut to a clip of The Dark Knight.)
Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart): You either die a hero or you live long enough to become the villain.
NC: (frustrated) Why does everyone at this table speak ironic?!
NC (vo): When the owner of the White Lotus lets the Capps know a secret beach he only recommends to special guests.
White Louts owner: (his back to the camera) There's a private beach on the nature preserve side of the island. I could arrange a van to take you.
Presca: Sounds like a great memory for us.
NC: I like focusing on the...
NC (vo): ...back of the side character's head instead of the reactions of the main characters.
NC: It's more... (looks up in thought briefly) pretentiously idiotic. (nods)
NC (vo): Across from them, though, a woman starts having a seizure. A doctor, played by Rufus Sewell, tries to help. Oh, not with the woman's seizure, but with the husband's dialogue, who, upon seeing his wife violently shake on the floor, reacts like anyone would.
Man 1 (Ken Leung): I'm a nurse. My name is Jaren.
Man 2: Hi, Jack. I think if you just leave her lying here for a while...
Jaren: Thank you, doctor. It's Jaren by the way.
NC: (laughs) I've just declared Jaren's my favorite character.
NC (vo): I know the doctor technically gets the name wrong, but he still brings it up twice, like it's gonna help the situation! Like, somewhere there's a doctor that's gonna be like...
NC: (as doctor) "He's having a heart attack! Oh, if only there was a little boy who asked everybody who they are and what they did for a living!"
Jaren: (offscreen) I'm a nurse. My name is Jaren.
NC: "Thank God!"
NC (vo): The next day, the Cappas are driven to the island, along with the doctor and his family.
Driver (M. Night Shyamalan himself!): Okay, guest checklist: books, sunscreen...
NC (vo): Director cameo... Okay, we're set to go.
(They finally arrive where they are supposed to be going.)
Driver: Enjoy, everybody.
NC (vo): They're all dropped off at the beach, which seems to be everything the resort promised, but it looks like there's already somebody there. He happens to be a famous rapper, and I can't wait to tell you his name...
Maddox: Oh, my God! That's Mid-Sized Sedan!
(NC is laughing so hard that he's on the floor with his feet up in the air.)
NC (vo): That's the name you have if you're a YouTube rapper or you're touring with Weird Al! And the even funnier thing is, it doesn't play into the story at all! You could say he's anything from a brain surgeon to a pizza delivery boy, and it wouldn't impact the character in the least! I think it's here just to show M. Night understands rap music, but he comes across having as much street cred as, ironically, (An image of the following pops up...) the little boy from The Visit! Oh, God bless this movie!
(Trent is seen playing with a toy robot, while a little girl (presumably one of the doctor's children) is playing with a mermaid doll. Their parents stare in listless displeasure.)
Trent: (as robot) I told you, I don't wanna live like this! I'm going for a drive to calm down.
NC (vo; as Guy, sighing): I wish we had less symbolic kids. (normal) While playing hide-and-go-seek, though, Trent discovers an unexpected visitor...
(Said visitor is the drowned body of a woman, whose head floats within view of Trent, who freaks out.)
Trent: Mom!
NC (vo; as woman, making bubbling sounds): I just wanted to be part of your world! (normal) A dead woman is found in the water, and Honda Civic approaches, giving, I guess, a normal M. Night response.
Mid-Sized Sedan (Aaron Pierre): (his nose bleeding) Oh, damn.
NC: He reacted to that the same way the Dude reacts to some people having sex with no joy.
(Cut to a clip of The Big Lebowski.)
The Dude (Jeff Bridges): (flatly) Oh, no.
Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore): Oh, yes, Mr. Lebowski.
(Cut back to Old.)
NC (vo): Ford Mustang admits he knew this woman and that she went out for a swim, but didn't return. I guess there's supposed to be a mystery whether or not he killed her, but I'll just give it away: he didn't. So, what the hell was up with this reaction?
Mid-Sized Sedan: Oh, damn.
(As we cut back to NC, an image of Flonase Sensimist appears in the corner.)
NC: (as Mid-Sized Sedan) Flonase doesn't have a money back guarantee.
NC (vo): How would you react if you were a kid and you saw a dead body?
Trent: I'm still hungry.
Little girl: Me, too.
NC: Well, we'll start a fire and eat what the piranhas didn't nibble off of her. (shouting in exasperation) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALIENS?!
Guy: (to Mid-Sized Sedan) Did you strike him? I don't need to know the context of "What? No. Of course not." So why's your nose bleeding?
NC: You know what I like about seeing a movie? Actually seeing a movie! Can you...
(It is revealed that there is a big empty space between the rapper and Guy, the latter's face is just barely in view. The camera zooms in on this empty space.)
NC (vo): ...pan over so we can see the people, please?! Why is seeing a blurry version of (An image of the following is shown in the corner...) the trash heap from Fraggle Rock more interesting?!
NC: Oh, if only there was some way to relieve this tension.
(Just then, Jaren the nurse shows up. The sound of an audience cheering and applauding is heard.)
NC: (shakes head) Jaren, you son of a bitch, get in here!
NC (vo): I couldn't tell you how big my smile got when I saw this guy was in more of the film, especially when you discover that his awkward acting from earlier was not just an isolated take; it's his whole performance.
Mid-Sized Sedan: Wait!
Jaren: Why? They left already. What happened?
NC (vo; as Jaren): I'm Jaren, by the way.
NC: And again, I do want to emphasize, I have seen this guy good in other stuff.
(A montage of scenes of Jeung's work in other films is shown.)
NC (vo): I actually perk whenever I see him in something, because I think he's such an engaging actor.
(Cut back to Old.)
NC (vo): But again, he was probably given the same Shyamalan cocktail. (laughs) What?
Jaren: No cell phone reception on this beach. You stay here.
NC: (as Jaren) See if the director is actually satisfied with my performance and then tell me...
(We are shown Guy again, along with an image of Robert Hayes off to the side.)
NC (vo): ...if that's Robert Hayes. When they try to leave, they discover they weirdly stumble backwards and black out, unable to exit. To make things worse, something seems to be wrong with Trent.
Presca: (to the doctor) Something seems to be wrong with my son! Some kind of reaction–
Doctor: Is it severe? I don't have time for this!
Presca: What kind of doctor are you?
NC: Hey, now! Don't reveal your job until the boy asks for it! Sounds weird if you don't.
Trent: (to his mother) You look different, too.
Presca: How?
Trent: Uh, I don't know. You just...look different.
Presca: Hold my hand.
NC: Looking at her ear is awesome, but can you be a movie for five minutes?!
NC (vo): Things get even worse when the doctor's mother stops breathing and eventually dies.
Doctor: She couldn't take the shock. She just saw a murdered woman. Her heart couldn't take it.
NC (vo): To Rufus Sewell's credit, he's one of the few actors that can take this bizarre writing and make it sound almost believable. I guess that comes from a lifetime of knowing how to act great in both (The poster for Dark City is shown.) awesome projects and (The poster for Bless the Child is shown.) absolute shit. Everyone else, though, can't quite get past the Shyamalan filter.
Trent: (to Jaren and a black woman) What are your names and occupations?
Jaren: I'm Jaren.
NC (vo; as Jaren): I'm Jaren by the way.
Presca: (to Jaren) Have you seen my children?
Jaren: Is everyone trying to play a joke on us?
Presca: What?
Black woman: Aren't these your children?
NC: Okay, you can tell me: did all of you film your parts separately in quarantine and then they CGed them together?
NC (vo): Because none of you are acting like you're responding to what the other is saying! They discover, though, that the children are drastically growing, aging by about five years. And if you're wondering why the kids constantly shoot up in age, but the adults look exactly the same throughout most of the movie, M. Night would like to remind you, (The poster for The Sixth Sense is inserted.) he directed The Sixth Sense.
(Guy grabs Maddox's head, not wanting to believe that his own daughter grew up so fast.)
Guy: Maddox?
Maddox: Dad, it's me!
NC (vo; as Guy): God, it's my worst nightmare: I'll have to pay for their college in less than a year! (normal) I'll give credit to casting that they found people that really look like the kids growing up. But is it me, or is everyone's acting getting worse as they get older?
(Guy and Presca start to walk off.)
Maddox: No! Mom, we're scared!
Presca: (to Guy) If I cry, please don't let them see.
Guy: I won't.
Jaren: I still can't get any reception!
NC: (shakes head) I never thought I'd say this, but the community college down the street might have some better actors for you.
NC (vo): Like I said before, Sewell is the only one coming out of this surprisingly convincing, but it's almost like M. Night noticed that and said, "Oh, I know some shit that that'll make him sound stupid!"
Jaren: The dog is dying!
Maddox: Oh, my God!
(Everyone gathers around the dog in question.)
Doctor: He was only just alive.
NC (vo): Uh-uh.
NC: (shakes head) That is a joke line. That is a joke line!
NC (vo): They almost use the exact same wordage...
(Cut to a clip of Blades of Glory.)
NC (vo): ...in the comedy, Blades of Glory.
Stranz Van Waldenberg (Will Arnett): Remember how they used to be alive?
(Cut back to Old.)
NC (vo): But oh, you think the kid asking for name and occupation was forceful? One of them suggests standing in a circle, explaining who they are.
Black woman: Why are you here?
Blonde woman: We've been going through something. He's under a lot of stress as a doctor.
NC (vo): How many times are they gonna introduce themselves? The movie's almost halfway over! If I don't know who these people are by this point, either I'm not paying attention or the movie's not paying attention!
(Suddenly, however, Presca falls over. Everyone descends on her, trying to ease her down gently.)
Guy: Presca!
NC (vo): Fresca's tumor seems to be growing fast as well, to the point where she can't even stay conscious.
Guy: Do we have alcohol?
Blonde woman: Yes!
NC (vo; as doctor): Oh, thank God. I need a drink.
Doctor: I mean, does anyone have a needle and thread enough to service her?
NC (vo): The doctor has to operate, and even though they establish later that his mind is deteriorating, with M. Night's dialogue, I just believe this is a normal line he would have someone say in an emergency.
Doctor: Did you know that Jack Nicholson did a film with Marlon Brando?
Guy: What is he saying?
Doctor: What was the name of that film?
Blonde woman: Charles, breathe.
NC: You sure this isn't time for another random conversation involving numbers?
NC (vo): The operation starts, they focus more on the clouds because the D.P. was drunk, the suspense keeps building and building, and like all of you...
(NC is seen typing something on his cell phone.)
NC: ...I am looking up that movie with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando. It's more interesting that what's going on in this film. I'll give you a few minutes.
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes.)
NC (vo): The tumor is taken out of Presca, the wound seems to heal up abnormally fast, the children grow even more, but most importantly, (The poster for the following is inserted...) Missouri Breaks was the name of the movie with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando.
NC: I'm sorry, that's the most fascinating thing I've gotten out of this film!
NC (vo): Toyota Prius realizes, though, there's something wrong with the woman who drowned earlier.
(Mid-Sized Sedan removes the tarp covering the woman's corpse, only to discover it has now been reduced to a skeleton. He recoils in horror.)
Mid-Sized Sedan: Damn!
NC: (holds up index finger) I think you mean (An image of Mid-Sized Sedan's nosebleed from earlier is shown in the corner.) "Oh, damn."
NC (vo): She turned into the ribs from the end credits of Flintstones, and they're panicking more and more about what to do. As the kids continue to get older, Trent finds certain urges growing for the doctor's daughter.
Doctor's daughter: What's happening to us?
Trent: I think we're just growing.
Doctor's daughter: I don't feel the same. It's weird.
NC: Both your left eyes are acting great. Is this movie allergic to showing performances?!
NC (vo): Jaren has a theory that it's the rocks that are causing them to age. Sure, because (The poster for The Happening is shown.) trees work great.
Doctor: Sorry, this is nonsense.
Black woman: Let's not shut down everyone's experience.
NC: Experience?! What, are you writing the Yelp review right now?!
(Trent and the doctor's daughter emerge, holding hands. She has a significant bulge in her stomach.)
NC (vo; as Trent): What makes you think I slept with her?
Jaren: I'd say she's about five months pregnant.
Trent: (shocked) What?!
Doctor's daughter: What?
NC: (as Trent) Why do I have the urge to high-five, but flee at the same time?
NC (vo): She instantly starts to give birth, and the doctor is unable to help because...well, I think he just figured out what movie he's in.
(The delirious doctor points accusingly at Jaren.)
Doctor: Nice to see you in our neighborhood! Who– Who are you?
NC (vo): Jaren reacts the same way you would think Jaren would react.
Jaren: I'M JAREN!
(NC howls with laughter, then stands up, applauding.)
NC: My man, you are this generation's "I'm Spartacus!"
NC (vo): The baby instantly dies, though, as it's unable to survive the rapid changes on the beach. (as Presca) Mr. Director, you're gonna make me look really good in this closeup, right? (as Shyamalan) Not as good as Mark Wahlberg's nostrils. (as Presca, stammering) That was said. (normal) The doctor goes absolutely insane, though, and takes out all his rage on Mercedes-Benz.
Jaren: He's gone.
NC (vo; as Jaren): He's been impounded. (normal) The group just...keeps their distance from the doctor, and Jaren says he's gonna try and swim for help.
Jaren: Watch him!
NC (vo; as Jaren): Make sure to tell the world my story that I'm Jaren.
(Cut to Chaplin.)
Chaplin: And I'm Lloyd.
Lloyd (voice of Brad): (distant) Goddammit!
(Cut back to Old.)
NC (vo): It's here that Presca reveals that, through their rocky marriage, she had an affair.
Maddox: Was there someone else?
Presca: I found out about this tumor. And I got scared.
NC (vo; as Presca): I got scared onto another penis. (normal) Maddox takes it...well?
Maddox: (clutching at herself) Be strong for everyone.
NC: Really, I don't know if that counts in Shyamalan Land as taking it well.
NC (vo): But she finds out her and Trent have something: they're a magnet for floating dead people.
(Out in the water, Maddox spots the now-dead body of Jaren. She screams. Everyone drags the body onto the beach.)
NC (vo; as Guy): Oh, no! It's... (sighs) What was his name? (normal) Jaren bites the dust, and it looks like the doctor's daughter follows, as she tries climbing out, but gets dizzy and falls.
(Trent breaks down crying over her loss as a result. His mother tries to console him as she takes his head in her hands.)
NC (vo; as Trent): She was my first, middle, last! (normal) And things only get worse.
(The black woman suddenly falls over and goes into convulsions, shaking violently as she does so, before dying.)
Maddox: What's happening to her?
Guy: Oh, God, she was fine. What's happening?
NC: (as Guy) I don't know.
(The earlier scene of the Cappas watching as the black woman shaking violently is shown again.)
NC (vo): I completely forgot saw this before at breakfast.
(The movie resumes as the black woman dies and the Cappas eye the doctor suspiciously. He is standing several feet away.)
NC (vo; as doctor): Don't look at me! I'm being crazy over here!
(Suddenly, Guy's eyesight gets blurry.)
NC (vo): Guy's vision suddenly starts to go, as well as Presca's hearing. And nightfall doesn't bring anything better.
(Guy struggles to make out a person running towards him.)
Guy: Who is that?
NC: The dead rapper. Who do you think?
(It's the doctor, who tries to attack Guy with a knife. Everyone tries to restrain the two men.)
NC (vo; as doctor): Do you remember a movie with Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill? I think it was called Space Jam! (normal) They eventually kill him, but things get stranger when the kids enter a cave and discover the doctor's wife has gotten worse from her calcium deficiency.
(Inside the cave, Maddox and Trent discover the doctor's wife has gone crazy from her deficiency.)
NC (vo; in a voice like Gollum): What is a hobbit, precious?
(The doctor's wife picks up a rock to throw it at Trent and Maddox, but she accidentally drops it since her bones are now too weak to hold it up. Her bones crack as this happens, and she cries out in pain.)
NC: (amused) Oh, come on, you're borderline...
NC (vo): ...Coyote now!
(As he says this, a clip of a Road Runner cartoon is shown in the corner, showing Wile E. Coyote trying to hold up a boulder, which of course crushes him. Then the woman twists up her body as she goes into convulsions.)
NC (vo): She even starts Tetrising herself, and as you'd imagine, it's pretty funny.
(The doctor's wife screams as she writes on the ground. Trent and Maddox react in horrified disgust. The doctor's wife expires with her body in a twisted, tangled mess.)
Steve Castle (audio from Futurama): My only regret is...that I have...boneitis...
NC (vo): She's killed off, and finally the adults start to look like they're aging. (as Presca, to Guy) Hmm, why do I suddenly think Tucker Carlson is right about everything? (normal) The two of them make amends before passing away. Sensing the writing is on the wall, the two kids, now grown up, decide to act like kids once more by building sand castles and decoding a message their friend from the resort gave. It just (exaggeratedly) so happens to contain their way out. Apparently, the coral not only deflects the rock's effects, but it also so happens to lead off the beach. Too bad they fall victim to the equivalent of tripping in a slasher film.
(The driver from earlier is talking to someone, presumably Jaren, on the phone.)
Driver: For a second, I thought they were gonna get through the coral.
NC (vo; as driver/Shyamalan): At last, I got so tired of killing actors' careers, I finally moved on to killing the actors themselves. (normal) I guess the big twist, which is...really more of an explanation, is that the resort finds sick people to send to the beach and let them die in the attempts of finding new medical cures.
Resort manager (Gustaf Hammarsten): (to scientists in a lab) Because of this beach, we have been able to save hundreds of thousands of lives with new medicines.
NC: (looking around shiftily) I...feel like there's a lot of ways you can still run these experiments without having to kill people!
NC (vo): But whatever, it looks like the siblings got out and alerted the proper people. Curses! Maybe the resort should have taken out that coral they clearly knew was there and led off the island, but...that would take a lot of money, which they clearly didn't have! This is so dumb. So, okay, the best friend sees Trent, touches his face, and we tilt up to the clouds as the movie finally keeps going!
(Trent and Maddox are still trapped in the coral, struggling to get free.)
NC (vo): Yeah, you may have thought that was the ending, but nope, they had to show that in order to get out, they had to get out. Holy shit, I never would have put that together! Oh, and I guess there's this pointless line...
(A helicopter shows up to save Trent and Maddox and fly them to safety.)
Helicopter pilot: (to Trent and Maddox) How's she handling things?
Trent: How would you feel if a fifty-year-old man called and told you he was your six-year-old nephew?
NC: (rolls eyes and sighs) Again?
NC (vo): Yeah, I don't know why it chose to end there, even though it had a perfect spot to stop already, but...
NC: ...Jesus, when has anything about this movie been normal? (shrugs)
(Footage of the film plays out one more time as NC gives his final thoughts.)
NC (vo): Old is so bad. So hilariously, entertainingly bad. I like Shyamalan when he's good, but I love him when he's awful. When he does awkward, it is so distinct and so puzzling that I can't help but fall in love. Even when it doesn't work, there's never a sense that he's half-assing it. You know in his mind he sees this as genius, and a part of me really loves that he does. There's something almost innocent about these mistakes.
(Clips are shown of a young Shyamalan making home movies.)
NC (vo): Like they're big budget versions of the home movies he would put as Easter eggs on his DVDs.
(Cut back to Old.)
NC (vo): I don't get any mean-spirited cynicism out of it...eh, for the most part. It's usually just an awkward guy making awkward stuff with every ounce of passion that he has. I guess I could be angry, but the dude is just making the movies he wants his way, and in one way or another, they are extremely fun. I always see what he's going for, and when he doesn't achieve it, there's something almost endearing to it. Like, he misses the mark in such a creative way. You have to take risks in order to make mistakes like this, and whether it works or not, he is a filmmaker who does stuff in a way no one else is. So, even though it's not technically good, I still enjoyed the hell out of it. I'm not sure what his future holds: good films, bad films, or a little bit of both. But chances are, we're all going to be intrigued one way or another.
(Meanwhile, NC's colleagues are still in the room playing games together as NC walks up to them.)
Barney: All right!
Malcolm: (ready to throw the dice) Here we go!
NC: (rubs hands together) All right, what Shyamalan movie is next?
Tamara: Oh, that is so old news, boomer.
NC: (confused) Yeah?
Malcolm: (holds up a Pog) Yeah, it's Pogs now!
(Everyone cheers as they look toward a stack of Pogs.)
NC: Oh, you mean like a Stephen King Pogs.
Jim: No, just Pogs.
NC: Oh, like "good Zack Snyder movies" Pogs?
Tamara: There is a life outside of movies, Critic.
NC: I don't think that's true.
Malcolm: Okay, here we go!
NC: All right!
Malcolm: Aaaand...
(He throws some Pogs down on the stack of Pogs, knocking some of them over and revealing a zombie on one of them. Everyone cheers, then stops after a few seconds, staring in awkward silence.)
Jim: I think I see why we stopped playing this now.
NC: Yeah.
Channel Awesome Tagline – Trent: What are your names and occupations?
(The credits roll.)