[[Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts]]
[[Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts]]
Title cards: "ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com presents" "Off To Beat the Nerd, traveling from Chicago to Philadelphia"
Doug: This is minute 1 of going to beat the Angry Video Game Nerd. I am hyped. Are you hyped, brother?
Rob gives the thumbs up
Doug: We are both hyped.
Doug: My God...we have been on the road for so. Long. I think I'm going to go batshit crazy in a few seconds, I mean I am going to crack, just looking at all the lines go by and all the signs and all these advertisements for fireworks! It's insane! It's totally insane! I mean, God brother, how long have we been on the road!
Rob: Uh...1 hour, 30 minutes.
Doug looks skeptical, Rob nods his head, confirming he's both right and telling the truth
Doug: ...I'M GONNA DIE!
Placecard: 2 Hours Later
Doug: You know I'm gonna say the nice thing about this is that, you know, I personally would not be able to get out of Illinois, you know I can't even find my way out of my own house, but my brother here is just so good and resourceful that, you know, he's really good directions and you know, all that stuff so-
Rob: Yeah, I'll get us there.
Doug: So you know, just special shout-out to him, special thanks cause without him I actually wouldn't be able to get there at all, this is actually really cool
Rob: Damn straight.
Doug: Damn straight.
Placecard: 3 hours later*
(*Note: Whenever a placecard says "X Hours Later," it is not that many hours since the last "scene," but from the beginning of the trip; this is confusing, but it becomes apparent part way through the video when the placecards say many hours have passed, but the guys are wearing the same outfits and it is still daytime)
Doug: Alright, so we're in Michigan...I don't know how that happened. If you don't believe me take a look, there's a lighthouse. You know, cause only Michigan has lighthouses. And we're gonna try to figure out just how the hell this happened. I'm very angry at my brother.
Cut to them driving
Doug: So yeah, what the hell are we doing in Michigan?
Rob: A slight detour, everything's fine. Just, just great.
Doug: Except for the fact that we're in Michigan!
Rob: Well, haven't you ever wanted to see the...Lighthouse State?
Doug: Is that what this...it's just really known for lighthouses?
Rob: I don't, I don't know what...Michigan is known for cherries and, um, yeah, lighthouses.
Doug: Lighthouses. This is okay...
Placecard: 4 hours later
Doug: Alright, we've been on this road for a couple miles, and it's reduced down to one lane, there's all these cones, but there's no construction, there's no nothing, it's just one lane. Look, the same shit's goin' on over there.
Rob: Oh it's been more than that, this has been 6 miles now.
Doug: 6 miles of no construction, just keeping us in one lane.
Rob: It's for the greater good!
Doug: I think they're just doing it to piss us off, I think they just got high and like "You know what, we should just reduce it all to one lane, that would be funny, and no reason, everybody will do it, cause they have to!" Oh my God, there it is, actual construction! What are they doing, what are they doing, they're...they're doing nothing, they're doing nothing! What, what is that guy doing, they're just taking up the road! And now we go back to the 2 lane, that was crazy! Those miles and miles of just two trucks bullshit!
Rob: Actually, 10 miles to be exact.
Doug: 10 miles, just two stinkin' trucks, we've been behind this stupid...thing, and it's been going slow. From Quebec? FUCK QUEBEC! Fuck it! Fuck construction!
Rob: I think that's fu-shlay Quebec or something.
Doug: Fuck Quebec Prowlers!
Placecard: 5 Hours Later
Doug: God I'm so bored. (to Rob) Say something, dammit! ...you're supposed to be keeping me in good conversation, just say something!
Rob: I'm driving!
Doug: Ooh, he's driving, that's all the conversation I get here, he's driving! Whoop-dee-fuckin'-do! You know, why don't you sing a song, let's sing a song. Let's sing a little Gilbert and Sullivan, how 'bout that. We are going to sing The Macado right now, Three Little Maids From School Are We, you start.
Rob: Uh...no we're not.
Doug: You start.
Placecard: 6 Hours Later, they are both singing Three Little Maids From School Are We, but part way through, a truck horn goes off and Rob grabs the wheel desperately
Placecard: 7 Hours Later, they are both singing the score to the HMS Pinafore.
Placecard: 8 Hours Later, They're singing the end of the HMS Pinafore score.
Placecard: 9 Hours Later
Doug: Well we already sung every song we know, hummed every tune we know, done everything that we can think about doing...it's just so BORING! The road's boring, the trees are boring, (to Rob) you're boring! You are so boring! Do something, say something, GOD, just something! (Rob sighs) Ooh, he gasped! He gasped! No no, sighed, that's even better! Sighed, that's like a gasp, backwards! Ooh, unbefuckinglievable! DO SOMETHING YA FUCKIN' MORON!
Placecard: Later...; Rob is walking down the highway, alone, and Doug is following him with the camera
Doug: Rob? I'm sorry! (Rob flips him off with both hands) That's not called for! Oh come on Rob, cut a guy a break, I didn't know any better! Oh come on man, I just, I wasn't thinking! Hey, uh, what if I drove the rest of the way?
Rob stops and turns around
Placecard: 10 Hours Later; Doug is now driving, Rob is filming
Doug: There's Cedar Point. The largest roller coasters outside of Disney, Six Flags. Been to Cedar Point lately?
Doug: ...would it...kill you to say something?
Rob: I did.
Doug: "No." That's the first thing I've heard you say in the last 4 hours. That's a FOUNTAIN of conversation, that's a geyser. Whoa, daddy, stand back. ...shit. You know I'm sittin' here drivin', doin' all the drivin', drivin' all the way from Cleveland, tryin' to keep our hopes up, fight the boredom, you can't say one fuckin' thing to start a conversation? Fuck it man, I don't have to talk either. Let's see how you like it. Just total fuckin' silence. Two can play at that game, wise guy. See if you like it. ...total silence.
Placecard: 11 Hours Later
Doug: If I was to kill you, and bury your body...is there any particular place that you would wanna be buried? You know, like a religious thing, I mean are there any, uh, certain areas that you need to be buried in or shouldn't be buried in, like a Jewish thing or...I don't know. Are you Jewish?
Rob: ...we were baptised Roman Catholic.
Doug: Does that mean I'm not Jewish?
Placecard: 12 Hours Later
Doug: HAHAHA, Pennsylvania, Pennsyl-God this better be FUCKING worth it-vania! HOO! Okay, apparently in Pennsylvania they have some very strange roadsigns.
They show the signs as he says them
Doug: (mockingly) Don't tailgate! Beware of aggressive drivers! Slow down save a life! Careful, Bridge may be icy. (normal voice) When did Pennsylvania turn into my mother?
Quick cut to them on the highway, with white circles on the road
Doug: They actually have these spaces so you can keep one car-length behind. It looks like I'm playing Pac-Man.
Another cut, they are following a trailer with statues of a horse, an eagle, and a Liberty Bell
Doug: Philadelphia's fucked up.
Placecard: Nerd Central
Doug: I come in, at Digital Press, and say "Have you decided to do-" this'll save us time, this'll save you having to do another video challenging me to do a video game review, it's just me saying like, you know, "Have you decided to do a Nostalgic Movie?" And you say "Yes, I'm gonna do" you know, whatever you choose, and then you say "Now are you gonna do a video game?" I'm like "No I'm not doin' a video game, that's your department!" Just sayin', do you have the Rocky soundtrack, I'm sure you do.
Doug: Okay, let's do "Yeah, bring it on!" And they play the Rocky music, like we get ready to fight and we go, we just have a silly slo-mo fight. You know, like we can even do the sound effects. (he mimics slo-mo sound effects)
Doug: You know, you beat me, and then at the end I say "Alright alright, I'll do a video game. But mark my words, this isn't over, hahahahaha" and then ask like how to get back on the highway or something.
Mike Matei: That's how it's gonna be, it'll be like watching Rocky V.
James: Yeah, "my ring's outside."
Matei: You should say that!
Doug: That's what we'll say, "my ring's outside."
Matei: Let's do it! Right now, right here! My ring's outside.
Clip from the first showdown video, where that line happens
James: There's only one thing, it's kind of a side thing but I just think we should really put it in there, at the end, cause he'll be there, is the idea, we'll Captain S in on this too. I don't know exactly what he would be doing, but-
Doug: He could be the referee!
James: He could be more like, tryin' to be the peace maker.
Doug: And we'll punch him.
James: Yeah, then it'll be the three of us all fighting there, in the parking lot of Digital Press.
Short clip of Doug and James meeting the employees of Digital Press and then slipping back into character
James: You're familiar with The Good, The Bad and The Ugly?
Doug: Parts of it.
James: Yeah, well we all- well I'll put the scene on.
He puts on The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
James: Basically your idea would be to mimic that.
Rob: You see how it's got the multiple shots? I can literally walk between you guys, cause you can reedit this however you want, yeah I can just train the camera on your eyes, you know on your faces, you can gimme the looks, and I can walk to the next person, the whole time you three are still basically standing in the triangle.
James: Okay, alright.
Cut to some scenes of the guys in Digital Press after the Showdown, where they are just talking to the fans
Doug: (holding up Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for the NES) Rawr.
Cut to Castlevania for the NES on one of the shelves, and the camera does a close up on Simon Belmont
Doug: He looks like the Nerd! (laughs)
They're eating cake
Doug: I'm eating his cake! ...I'm trying to eat his cake. Even his cake is defeating me. (he finally gets some) THAT'S good victory.
Ending Title Card: Fin
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
|| Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
|| Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
|| Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
|| NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
|| Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
|| The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
|| Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
|| The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
|| The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
|| Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
|| Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
|| Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
|| Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Dolittle · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Avatar (2009) · Superman Returns · Elektra
| DVD Exclusives:
|| Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
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