(The opening starts out similar to a regular Bum Review)
Narrator: And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review: Transformers: Age of Extinction.
(cuts to Chester)
Chester: OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY-(cut off by a knock at the door). Excuse me one moment. (walks offscreen) Yes? (sound effect of Chester being beaten. The Nostalgia Critic walks on screen with a baseball bat, evident that he knocked Chester out.)
N.C. (drops the bat) Okay, here's the thing. A long time ago, I did the review of the first Transformers movie. It was one of the first reviews I ever did and I loved it. But the thing is, I kinda stole his style, you know, I was young and didn't know any better and sure enough, he sued me, and we decided he was gonna do the Transformers movies. But for this one, this one, No no no no. I'm tackling this one today because, I got some shit to say about the film! Okay, I got some shit! Okay...This goes to all the boys watching this. All the boys, eight-year-olds to seventeen, college boy. I don't know. Eh, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there are like girls, and women, and even grown men who will go and see this movie, but you're not the ones that made a hundred million dollars for Michael Bay this weekend, okay? You're not. It's boys from eight to seventeen, uh, they made him a whole shit ton of money with this, and I want to make something very, very clear that you may not know. You may not know this, but you deserve to know. Okay? You deserve to know...Michael Bay has your penises. I'm not even kidding. Michael Bay has your penises. And you might want to check them, oh, it seems to be right there, but it's not. It's not. He has 'em. And here's what I mean by that. Um, you go, you see the first movie. First movie, I loved it. I thought it was great. It's my 80's heroes that, yeah, they were kinda cheesy and kinda lame in this movie that was kinda cheesy and kinda lame, but it had these cool effects! It had this incredible stuff! It had robots fighting each other, it had a lot of funny comedy, it had all sorts of big explosions, and fights in the city and this sick stuff we never saw before! And then when people saw it, they said, "Hey! We can make movies like that! We got other movies coming out like that. Like, we got Avengers, and all these Marvel movies, and Dark Knight! All these incredible action pictures! It's like, Wow! Holy Smokes! And then, Michael Bay decided, "Hey! On the height of all this incredible shit going on, why don't I make the exact same godamn thing?!" And he made Transformers 2, and it was the exact same godamn thing! And it made a ton of money, ohhh-okay, whatever, but uh, maybe the third one will be good. And what did he do? He did the did the exact same godamn thing!! And, sure enough, okay, he can't possiblely make the same mistake three times. Mistake? Fuck! It made millions of dollars! But, surely something inside the man has to say, "Hey, I want something new, just Something to challenge the masses or even my own infant mind!" No! He made Transformers-Godamn-Fucking-4!! And you know what it is? You know it? Take a guess. Right just-IT'S THE EXACT SAME GODAMN FUCKING THING!!! IT'S THE EXACT SAME GODAMN FUCKING THING, and you know what he did? The Michael Bay formula--clearly it's a mathematical formula now. Look in the math books. It's there, they're teaching it in schools!--he takes this fishing rod, (pretends he has a fishing rod) and he throws it, and he grabs you by the penis! He's got it! I mean he's got it right there in the hook, because how could anybody not? I mean...explosions! Robots fighting each other! How could you not like-It's like, (as a viewer) "Yes, Michael Bay! Take my penis! Take my penis! It's yours! I trump you with it!" And then, you know what he did? You know what he did? He abused it! He fucking abused it! He kept reeling that thing in and we were just like, "Yeah! Stretch it further! Stretch it further!" Until he-it FUCKING became his! It's his now! If you went and saw this movie, you would've officially gave up your penis to Michael Bay! You know that little voucher was when you went in? That's what that was! Your penis is his!