Nostalgia Critic Talks: Transformers 4

Nc transformers 4.jpg

July 2, 2014
Running Time

(The opening starts out similar to a regular Bum Review)

Narrator: And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: Transformers: Age of Extinction.

(cuts to Chester)

Chester: OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY-(cut off by a knock at the door). Excuse me one moment. (walks offscreen) Yes? (sound effect of Chester being beaten. The Nostalgia Critic walks on screen with a baseball bat, evident that he knocked Chester out.)

NC: (drops the bat) Okay, here's the thing. A long time ago, I did the review of the first Transformers movie. It was one of the first reviews I ever did and I loved it. But the thing is, I kinda stole his style, you know, I was young and didn't know any better and sure enough, he sued me and we decided he was gonna do the Transformers movies. But for this one, this one, no no no no. I'm tackling this one today because I got some shit to say about the film! Okay, I got some shit! Okay...This goes to all the boys watching this. All the boys, eight-year-olds to seventeen, college boys. I don't know. Eh, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there are like girls and women and even grown men who will go and see this movie, but you're not the ones that made a hundred million dollars for Michael Bay this weekend, okay? You're not. It's boys from eight to seventeen, uh, they made him a whole shit ton of money with this, and I want to make something very, very clear that you may not know. You may not know this, but you deserve to know. Okay? You deserve to know...Michael Bay has your penises. I'm not even kidding. Michael Bay has your penises. And you might want to check them, oh, it seems to be right there, but it's not. It's not. He has 'em. And here's what I mean by that. Um, you go, you see the first movie. First movie, I loved it. I thought it was great. It's my 80's heroes that, yeah, they were kinda cheesy and kinda lame in this movie that was kinda cheesy and kinda lame, but it had these cool effects! It had this incredible stuff! It had robots fighting each other, it had a lot of funny comedy, it had all sorts of big explosions, and fights in the city and this sick stuff we never saw before! And then when people saw it, they said, "Hey! We can make movies like that! We got other movies coming out like that. Like, we got Avengers, and all these Marvel movies, and (The) Dark Knight! All these incredible action pictures!" It's like, wow! Holy smokes! And then, Michael Bay decided, "Hey! On the height of all this incredible shit going on, why don't I make the exact same goddamn thing?!" And he made Transformers 2, and it was the exact same goddamn thing! And it made a ton of money, ohhh-okay, whatever, but uh, maybe the third one will be good. And what did he do? He did the exact same goddamn thing!! And sure enough, okay, he can't possibly make the same mistake three times. Mistake? Fuck! It made millions of dollars! But surely something inside the man has to say, "Hey, I want something new, just something to challenge the masses or even my own infant mind!" No! He made Transformers-Goddamn-Fucking-4!! And you know what it is? You know it? Take a guess. Right just-IT'S THE SAME GODDAMN FUCKING THING!!! IT'S THE EXACT SAME GODDAMN FUCKING THING, and you know what he did? The Michael Bay formula--clearly it's a mathematical formula now. Look in the math books. It's there, they're teaching it in schools!--he takes this fishing rod, (pretends he has a fishing rod) and he throws it and he grabs you by the penis! He's got it! I mean, he's got it right there in the hook because how could anybody not? I mean...explosions! Robots fighting each other! How could you not like-it's like, (as a viewer) "Yes, Michael Bay! Take my penis! Take my penis! It's yours! I trump you with it!" And then you know what he did? You know what he did? He abused it! He fucking abused it! He kept reeling that thing in and we were just like, "Yeah! Stretch it further! Stretch it further!" Until he-it FUCKING became his! It's his now! If you went and saw this movie, you would've officially gave up your penis to Michael Bay! You know what that little voucher was when you went in? That's what that was! Your penis is his!

Remember the first time you saw an explosion? Remember how cool it was? I mean, h-how can anyone, male, female, whatever age, not look at an explosion and say "Holy shit! That's incredible!" A giant ball of death, smoke, blaze- incredible! And sure enough, we said "We want more!" So we got more, okay? We got 80's action films! We got the Stallones! We got the Schwarzeneggers! And then we had the 90's, and we got even more explosions! And then we fucking got Michael Bay! And we got too fucking greedy! We got too fucking greedy! You wanna know why? (makes shoving motions with his hands) 'CAUSE HE KEPT SHOVING THE FUCKING EXPLOSIONS DOWN OUR THROATS until now they don't even register! What's an explosion now? You know what an explosion is? An explosion's like a light breeze going across your face! No, it's not even that because I would feel the light breeze! No, it's just air! (spins around) This is an explosion now! It doesn't register at all! There have gotta be like 200 fucking explosions in this movie and not one registers at all! But, what do you care? Your (smacks his head) dumb male adolescent minds are just trained to watch it! It can't help it now because he has your penis! Michael Bay has your penis, so that whenever he puts an explosion or boobs- (stammering)- you've got to look! You can't help it! (beat) Now, here's the thing. Mindless is fine, okay? There is nothing wrong with mindless entertainment, but it has to be creative and new! New, not different, new! There is a difference between the two! Okay, new is something you've never seen before! Different is just something you have seen; it's just now you expect it! It just looks a little different, you know? That's it! And just taking a robot punching itself while there's an explosion happening and a big breasted woman going "Oh!"(acts in a flaunting manner) ya know, it's still the same thing! I don't care if it looks like a dinosaur- (cut to picture of one of the Dinobots)- It's still the same goddamn thing! Oh, what, the robot doesn't talk? Even better! We don't have to listen! We don't have to comprehend dialogue! The human language is a waste according to Michael Bay! Just go in there and just throw out poster taglines! That's all it is! Every fucking line in this movie from Optimus Prime- HE'S A GODDAMN PSYCHOTIC! All he ever says is "Let's kill them all! I want to murder them all! I want to rip off his head and bathe in his bloo-" Okay, he didn't say that, but it's like one step away, okay? And... just the idea that there's young people out there who're just like "Yeah, more of that please! TAKE MY PENIS! TAKE MY PENIS! YOU OWN IT!"- You don't know you're being manipulated, okay? You think you're buying a product! You think you're buying the toy, but you're not! Michael Bay is buying you! You are the product, okay? When you go and see the exact same shit four times in a row, it- (beat) it's like someone who eats fast food every day, and don't get me wrong, I eat fast food, ya know? I eat junk food, I'm not the skinniest guy, but at the same time, once in a while, you sorta say "Hey, a veggie here or there" or even something with protein-real meat, ya know? Not meat out of a hose like at Taco Bell! I mean, like, a fucking steak or something, but here's the thing: that stuff, like an expensive meal that's really good for you, usually costs money! It costs more money to get stuff that's good for you! A good movie and a bad movie costs exactly the same! It costs exactly the fucking same, and let me tell you something- (beat) It's not like this film is destroying cinema! It's not! A lot of good movies came out this year! We had X-Men: Days of Future Past, we had How to Train Your Dragon 2, we had the fucking Lego Movie!- Weren't those great? And you know what? Despite the fact that they're all based on something- Yeah, Hollywood is out of ideas- we established that, but they're still putting in something new in every single one of those ideas, and-and-and they're still creating something fun and something entertaining and something that requires some thought to put together! The first Transformers probably required a little bit of thought, don't get me wrong, I mean it's- (beat) We never really saw that before! We never saw robots fighting each other on top of buildings! I mean, yeah, they're fucking everywhere, but before, it was kinda new! And it's, like, we couldn't wait to see what the next one was gonna be! Ya know what the first one had? A fight in the desert, a fight in the city, it had the Transformers! It was unbelievable! Ya know what the second one had? A fucking fight in the desert! Yeah, we saw that! Ya know what the third one had? A fucking fight in the city!! Yeah, we saw that!! Ya know what the fourth one had?! A FIGHT IN THE FUCKING CITY!!! WE JUST SAW IT IN THREE GODDAMN MOVIES!!!!!

(Takes a minute to breath) Keep it together, keep it together.... You want to see the guy who is trying to give you your identity, because that's what he's trying to do. All these little catchphrases and all these talks of (phony manly voice) "strength and kill them all and stay with family and strength and strong and stuff like that." It's giving you the illusion that this is making you smarter. Guns will make you smarter. Explosions are making you smarter. You know "stronger, smarter, all that stuff, women that are bombshells just being like 'oh, I want you, ah ah. I can do all this cool mechanical stuff, whatever, but I just want you. No reason, I just want you because you're so strong and you shoot stuff." It's NOT making you stronger. It's making you WEAKER. Okay? It is making you weaker because there's nothing challenging about it anymore. Nothing. Even the most mindless stuff has SOMETHING new, just SOMETHING challenging. But the guy who is bringing you this. The guy who says "I know your identity. I say freedom. I say America. I say strength. I say explosions. I say guns." This is what he did when he didn't have any of the explosions, any of the guns, any of the special effects, or any of the words written by somebody else in front of him in front of hundreds of people.

(Cut to a clip of the Samsung Press Conference.)

Michael Bay: Um ... ... Excuse me, I'm sorry. (walks off stage) I'm sorry.

Man: Ok. Ladies and gentlemen, let's thank Michael Bay for joining us.

NC: Ladies and gentlemen. You just gave that man a hundred million dollars. Yeah. You just sent a message to Hollywood telling them that this guy is the intellectual genius that we keep wanting to see over and over and over. That if you put him in charge and just have him keep giving us the same BULLSHIT, we'll go see it. I mean, he doesn't have to change the texture, the look, or anything, I mean, maybe at the most, he'll call it cowshit instead of bullshit and we'll buy it! We'll totally buy it! (sigh) This is a guy who recently, when reporters were asking "What do you think about all these people who complain about the Transformer hate?" says, "What do I care? They'll see it anyway." (beat) That's how confident he is that he has your penis! A-And if you went to see the film, he does! He has your penis! (Screenshot of Michael Bay's news article regarding Transformers hate) After a while, you just become concerned, I mean it's just, it's literally the exact same thing if you were just to grab, a baseball bat and (smacks himself with the bat) go like that you'd be like, "huh that was a strange experience". (smacks himself again) "Huh, I'll do it again". (smacks himself repeatedly) "And again and again and again and again" aaa-at some point, somebody's gonna be concerned for you. That they're just gonna be concerned. This bat is Michael Bay, it's Michael Bat, Michael Bat is hammering your penis and it's awful, and he's taking it, he's doing whatever he wants with it because you feel you have no control. Well, I'm gonna tell you, you do have control. You have control, man. I mean, it's, it's this (points to his head) over this (points to his penis). Sometimes you think this (penis) calls the shots, but you know what? This is stronger (head), Okay, this is stronger! (Image of Optimus Prime from the movie) And I know there's still young people out there that think, "It's a war, I have to defend my manhood", no, no it's not. If you think that's what it is, you've already lost. Okay, that's not how this works. This is finding out how you're unique, how you're different, how you can help people, how you can do stuff, that's incredible. It's about finding your own identity, not Michael Bay giving you an identity. (Poster for the film) Look at this poster, he cares nothing about making you a better person, he just wants to sell a product and by doing so, by having you always buy it, you become the product, and that's not what we want, man. You are stronger. You are better. And you're gonna show it to the world and you're gonna be unbelievable and you're gonna start by saying, "I want to be challenged. I, I, I, I want new stuff. I want more of these other movies coming out, I want more of X-Men: Days of Future Past, I want more Lego The Movie, I want more How to Train My Dragon 2, I want all that stuff!" (sighs) You deserve it, man. You deserve it. Take care of yourself man, just take care of yourself.

(NC walks offscreen)

Chester: (from offscreen) That was beautiful. (NC punches him again) OW!


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