Nostalgia Critic: Top 11 Movies I'll NEVER Review
August 22, 2011
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**Note: This was filmed in 2011, and a movie or two may have been reviewed since then.

Opening[edit | edit source]

(Doug sitting in his office chair addressing the camera)

Doug (vo): Hello everybody, Doug Walker here uh, it's a little rainy outside but, Chicago's very slowly turning into Seattle recently so I'm just gonna film anyway. Uh... this video is mainly gonna talk about, uh, the top 11 Nostalgia Critic reviews that I will not do because I get a lot of requests, a lot of people ask, uh, me to review a lotta stuff and, for, the reasons I'm gonna explain right now, I don't wanna do them; I don't think they're worth doing. So uh, sort of taking a page from the uh, book of Linkara here I'm going to count down the top 11 reviews that I as the Nostalgia Critic will not do. I decided not to do this as a Nostalgia Critic video because, I don't know, there's, better reviews that I think I can do, so I'm just sort of doing it as myself and just sort of telling you, uh, which ones I don't think are really worth doing so, why waste any time, let's get started.

(A drawing of Doug's face is shown as the title is shown. This image will serve as the countdown's interlude)

#11: Watership Down[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 11 -- Watership Down

[Clips from Watership Down play]

Doug (vo): Now this is one of those, I... I don't really get why people want me to review it.

Doug: I, I saw it when I was younger and, I thought it was good, I thought actually, for, a book this grim and this dark I thought the, movie captured it, relatively well.

Doug (vo): Um, the animation is good, I love the voice acting, John Hurt's in it, I, you know, anything he touches, I think is gold. So...

Doug: ...I don't know why so many people want me to review it, is it because it's really dark? Is it because, y'know, it's marketed as a kids' film and yet rabbits are getting drowned in dirt and blood everywhere and stuff like that?

Doug (vo): I mean it's... I, I guess that could be a little funny...

Doug: ...okay, that doesn't sound funny, but, um, you know maybe the idea that this is supposed to be this very fluffy, innocent, film, I mean there's two cute little rabbits on the front, and the fact that, there's just constant death and constant killing all throughout. So, I don't know, I don't think it's enough to hold up for a review. You know, like I said, I think it's good, I think it's a decent movie so, I don't know exactly why so many people want me to review it, but it is one of those requests I keep getting over and over and over so, I'm definitely not doing that one, I like the movie, next one.

#10: A Goofy Movie[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 10 -- A Goofy Movie

#9: The Spider-Man Cartoon[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 9 -- The Spider-Man Cartoon

[The cartoon's intro is shown]

Doug (vo): Now, I'll admit...I hate this cartoon, this is one of those cartoons that came out the same time as X-Men and Batman...

Doug: ...and then this piece of shit comes along and, it's trying to, it's trying to do what they're doing but it's doing it so horribly it feels like, one of the cartoons from like the 60's where there's no pacing, there's no good timing. The dialogue is really lame, and it just tries to throw a ton at you, without letting any of it really sink in.

#8: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes/Killer Klowns from Outer Space[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 8 -- Attack of the Killer Tomatoes/Killer Klowns from Outer Space

#7: Toys[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 7 -- Toys

[Clips from Toys play]

Doug (vo): Now, this is one of those movies... I saw it as a kid. I saw it as an adult. I have no idea what to make of this movie. I, I have no idea if it's really good or really awful or...

Doug: Or what? I know it's a movie the director really wanted to do for a long time and, you know, he has talked about it for eons and eons "I really wanted to do it" and it finally got made and just, nobody knew what to make of it. I don't know what to make of it. Um, I guess, I would have liked a... more interesting story. I didn't feel the story was that interesting. Umm, If you're gonna do something this strange and this bizarre, go for something really abstract or go for just a totally batshit crazy story, or go for something that really does have a very complicated interesting plot. But don't try to meet halfway. I think that's what the movie tried to do. But, because of that, you get something that's visually interesting, it looks awesome. You know, it's got some nice music, I recall. Umm, but, aside of that, I don't know if there's much to make fun of. It's just kind of weird and, even then, it's not like an extreme weird where you're constantly going, "What the hell! This is nuts!" It's, it sort of creates that world where this stuff can happen and you sort of go with it, you know, okay. But, there's no point where you just, point to the screen and say, "No! This does not happen! This is wrong! This is an insult! This is terrible!" At least, I don't, when I saw it. So, just sort of, all I really remember about it, I just remember the visuals, I remember Joan Cusack, I remember them trying to get army toys in. Um, I don't remember much else and every time I see it, I just, I remember what it looks like and, I don't remember it leaving a really bad impact on me and I don't recall it having, you know, a ton of jokes I can make fun of. So, uh, that's definitely one I'm not going to do.

#6: The Nutcracker Starring The Care Bears[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 6 -- The Nutcracker Starring The Care Bears*


*Note: This is the movie Doug would eventually review as the Nostalgia Critic during December 2014.

#5: Cats Don't Dance[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 5 -- Cats Don't Dance

#4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 4 -- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

[Clips of the movie play briefly]

Doug (vo): Shortest explanation in the world: James Rolfe did it. He did it great. He addressed every single solitary little thing wrong with it. There's nothing new I can bring. Next one.

#3: The Brave Little Toaster[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 3 -- The Brave Little Toaster

Doug: Again... w...t...I like this movie!

[Clips from the movie play]

Doug (vo):

#2: Anything Sonic related[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): Number 2 -- Anything Sonic Related

#1: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace[edit | edit source]

Doug (vo): And the number 1 thing I will never do a Nostalgia Critic review on is... Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

[Clips of the The Phantom Menace play out]

Doug (vo): And I know! I know there's a ton of things to make fun of, I know there's a ton of things that I can point out and say is wrong and stuff like that, here's the thing:

Doug: Everybody's done it.

Ending[edit | edit source]

Doug: ...there it is guys those are the top 11 Nostalgia Critic episodes I will never do, I will never review, I have no interest in doing them at all, SO STOP ASKING! Now you know what's gonna happen; I'm gonna, I'm gonna get all sorts of new, other, reviews to constantly, ask, to do well, okay, and then I'll make another top 11 list so...there it is guys thank you for watching I hope you enjoyed and uhm, that's it. Take care.


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