Norm of the North
July 4, 2017
(After the 2017 opening (which concludes with the caption "10 Years" below the title), we see the exterior of Nostalgia Critic's studio. It is sunset, and a ray of light is coming from the studio to a heavenly choir. Tamara and Malcolm are standing outside, watching this)
Tamara: You know those tedious nine-to-five office jobs everyone finds so boring?
Malcolm: (nodding) Yeah.
Tamara: I envy those.
Malcolm: (still nodding) Yeah.
(They walk in and see that the source of light is someone bald wearing kasaya)
Malcolm: What the hell is that?
(The person turns around, and it is the Nostalgia Critic himself (with his tie on, even)! Tamara and Malcolm are understandably shocked and confused)
Tamara: When did Cinema Snob become Buddhist?
NC: (smiling) Greetings, humble mortals. Welcome to inner peace.
Malcolm: Critic, what the hell is going on?
Tamara: Yeah, what's with the getup, and why the shaved head?
Malcolm: Shaved head? You mean he had hair before?
NC: Normally, a line like that would force me to thrash you, but I have achieved enlightenment.
Tamara: (not surprised) Really? And how did you do that?
NC: I have seen the ultimate bad movie. After 10 years of seeing crap, I have finally come across a film so terrible it has lifted me to a higher plane. I can bring about peace when there is none and even predict Transformers movies without having to see them.
Tamara: (still not amused) Okay, Critic. We'll bite. Which movie gave you this enlightenment?
NC: Rob Schneider...
Tamara: Sounds right.
NC: And the studio that brought you all the Barbie movies...
Malcolm: Sounds doubly right.
NC: Norm of the North.
Tamara and Malcolm: Yep.
(NC continues smiling, and we go to the title of the animated movie, before going to its clips)
NC (vo): That's right. After 10 years of doing this, I'm finally giving in and reviewing the film I've gotten countless requests to review. With some exceptions, I like the movies I review that have some sort of nostalgic connection, whether it come out years ago or was based on nostalgic property. This, however, has no nostalgic connection, no nostalgic characters, it's not even that old. But I'm gonna review it in honor of you guys watching for 10 incredible years.
(NC sits on his chair, changing into his usual jacket and putting a hat on his shaved head)
NC: So, let's get ready to watch a film so terrible it can bring you into a whole new realm of reality.
(NC turns to his right to notice Tamara and Malcolm silently playing a video game)
NC: Hey. (Malcolm and Tamara turn their heads to him) Aren't you guys gonna get ready for the sketches?
Tamara: Oh, we'd like to, but...oh, man, those clips you showed us really...brought us to enlightenment already.
Malcolm: Yeah, me, too. We're not just taking it easy because we worked our asses off in the Wonder Woman review.
Tamara: No. (They go back to playing)
NC: I understand. Be at peace in your new enlightenment state-
Tamara: We'll do it better if you stop yapping.
NC: Oh! Sorry.
Tamara: We don't care.
NC: By popular demand, this is Norm of the North.
NC (vo): The film opens with music that's trying way too hard for a Rob Schneider project.
(The movie's title is shown to a grand orchestral score by Stephen McKeon)
NC: (smiling) This literally has farting lemmings, composer. You do not want to waste your A-material on this.
NC (vo): We see our main character Norm, played by human shrug Rob Schneider, as he mumbles to himself arguably what the real Rob Schneider mumbles to himself every morning.
(Norm the polar bear is shown hiding in the snow, spying on a seal)
Norm: (whispering) Don't listen to the haters, Norm. You got this.
(He jumps out, roaring, and chases the seal. We suddenly cut to four meese playing poker)
Moose #1: Read 'em and weep, boys. Cari-booyah!
NC: Okay, let's play a game. I'm sure you're already playing it at home.
(NC clears his throat and is shown next on the top right corner as the clip of meese playing is shown along with the title of the game that NC says)
NC: What thrown-away first draft character from another movie was this? Okay, let's see. Norm is...
NC (vo): ...obviously the lion from Madagascar (Alex) who doesn't fit in...
Moose #2: I knew he wouldn't kill the seal.
NC: Ah! We got...
NC (vo): ...the Brother Bear moose. Both of them, actually (Rutt and Tuke).
(The identical lemmings who wear tuxedos and top hats are shown dancing in two rows)
NC (vo): Ohhhh, and the annoying testicles!
NC: (waves off, snickering) Oh, come on! You know, the annoying testicles? They're everywhere! There's...
(The pictures of the following are shown alongside the dancing lemmings)
NC (vo): ...The Simpsons ones in Despicable Me (the minions), the ginger-crap ones from Brave (Harris, Hubert and Hamish), the petting zoo of annoyance from Lorax, the black-and-white and overused-all-over-from-Madagascar penguins, the Wile E. Coyote one from Ice Age (Scrat)... (The poster for Ice Age 4: Continental Drift is shown) In fact, let's steal their backgrounds, too, while we're at it. As well as their inability to bring joy.
NC: And now, here's a terrifying combination of all of them with these...
NC (vo): ...Bigfoot testicles known as the lemmings. Who, sadly, do not jump off a cliff in this movie.
NC: Oh, sure, you'll be authentic on that detail.
(Elizabeth, the female polar bear, is shown)
NC (vo): Oh, let's not forget the generic female support who's so essential to this movie she literally only has one word in a scene.
NC: And we hit that check mark. (A check mark appears in a square below the caption "Love Interest Says Something") That means we're a real movie now!
NC (vo): Let's celebrate with a shitty transition not like a real movie.
Female Tourist: Eat him!
(Two tourists wildly take pictures of Norm. We jump cut to the latter caressing the seal)
Norm: You wanna know why I'm not gonna eat you? You got a minute? Well, maybe an hour.
NC: (as Norm) Or a better writer? Do you have a better writer? 'Cause this so isn't flowing.
NC (vo): So, Norm reveals that he can talk with humans, and he's the only polar bear who can apparently do it.
(In a flashback of Norm's childhood, a little girl approaches him)
Little Norm: Can't you see we're wild animals here? (The girl stops in amazement)
Girl: Did you just talk to me?
NC (vo): How does he have this magical power?
(After a beat, NC spreads out his hands, saying the caption...)
Norm: (talking to the seal) And certainly no other bear had these weird feelings that I had.
(We go to another flashback of little Norm talking to his grandfather)
NC (vo): So he sees the king of the Arctic who also happens to be his grandpa.
Grandfather: I, too, can speak to our human visitors. Polar bears are icons of the Arctic, Norm. And an icon with a voice can be very powerful indeed.
NC: Yeah, that's our shitty way of saying, "We just can."
NC (vo): But at least our powerful icons are used from lame movies and annoying ad campaigns.
(The Nelvana logo and a Klondike bar of ice cream is shown, followed by a 2003 commercial of the latter product)
Singer: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
NC: (smiling) Would you watch Norm of the North?
Jeff Burton: Not a chance.
(NC's smile fades slowly, before we see the red caption "DISCONTINUED" stamped on an image of a Klondike bar. Back to the movie, we cut to yet another flashback of little Norm wearing an iPod and dancing)
NC (vo): Oh, he also discovers he likes dancing. Because they want to see if they can turn this (The poster for Happy Feet is shown) into this. (The fake-out poster for Sad Appendages, showing a sad penguin in the foreground and Happy Feet characters in the background, is followed)
NC: Christ, everything in this movie's a ripoff! Even this scene looks like a Coke commercial.
(A clip of Norm shown from his back sitting on a cliff is shown with Coca-Cola logo appearing above him, followed by Buffalo Wing Soda from Lester's Fixins)
NC (vo): But it's the crappy second-rate version, so it would probably be this.
NC: In fact, I just realized. You know how there's always...
(The DVD covers for cheap ripoffs are shown in pairs with the posters for these movies: Tappy Feet* and Happy Feet, Frozen Land and Frozen, What's Up and Up, Chop Kick Panda and Kung Fu Panda, Kiara the Brave and Brave, Ratatoing and Ratatouille, The Frog Princess and The Princess and the Frog, Tiny Robots and Robots, Escape from Planet Earth and Planet 51, and Little Bee and Bee Movie)
- Note: this is actually not a knock-off flick, this is a title given in the USA in 2011 to the Soviet-Japanese cartoon The Adventures of Lolo the Penguin which was released in 1986, long before Happy Feet
NC (vo): ...a bad asylum knock-off film every single time an animated flick comes out? Like, every animated flick? (The poster for Norm of the North is shown) Norm of the North doesn't have one.
NC: That's how bad it is. It is own asylum knock-off! This has been foretold in the Apocalypse. (The portrait of Nostradamus is shown, along with the poster for the movie being equal to the burning Earth)
(Norm's brother Stan comes up and speaks to him)
NC (vo): He has a brother named Stan, played by Gabriel Iglesias. He's in this scene, and...
NC: That's it.
Stan: Let me give you some advice, bro. Act with your stomach, and not your heart.
NC (vo, as Iglesias): Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm to escape this movie so my talents are wasted in higher material, including (posters of...) Nut Job 2, Annoying Orange (Halloween Fruitacular), and... (The poster for the upcoming Disney/Pixar animated movie Coco is shown) Holy shit!
NC: (still as Iglesias) How the hell did I get that?!
NC (vo): He likes to put on a show for the tourists, including lemmings in tuxes, seals in ice cannons, and twerking whales.
(A killer whale pops up out of ice hole and, yes, it twerks)
NC: (rubbing his forehead) You know, this movie's only ten minutes in, and it's already created two new commandments: no twerking whales, and no saying you're not gonna do something followed by a scene of you immediately doing it.
Norm: The Arctic Shake was for your bachelor party. I'd never do that for the human tourists. Never, never, never!
(We transition to Norm doing the said Arctic Shake in front of the tourists)
NC: Wow. That transition was so lazy and uninspired, you could just replace it with this.
Norm: I'd never do that for the human tourists. Never, never, never!
(Cut to a black caption in a white background said by NC in a dumb voice)
NC (vo): HE DID IT.
NC: In fact, for this movie, I think there should be a new commandment that just says "NO"! Nothing else, just "NO"!
Norm (voiced by NC): Hey, I have an idea for-
Norm (voiced by NC): I thought it'd be funny if maybe I-
Norm (voiced by NC): But wouldn't it be cool if perhaps I-
NC: Moses sculpted an entire tablet simply for this commandment. The answer is NO!
Norm (voiced by NC): Mmmmm.... (As he "thinks of what to say", we jump cut from Norm to NC three times) But perhaps if I could just-
NC: God has a sharpshooter pointing at you all the time. Don't give him a reason.
NC (vo): Something else you'll notice is that the camera is always spinning in this movie. It's like the camera operator is in constant orbit around whatever piece of shit is being photographed. I feel like I'm on a dizzying ride!
(As the clips of rotating shots are shown, NC mimics riding on a roller coaster)
(Sudden cut to Norm speaking)
Norm: The Arctic Shake...
(NC throws up offscreen. Malcolm and Tamara stop playing to look at him)
Tamara: Aw, what? Is spinning too much for you?
NC: No, I just had to listen to the dialogue. (He pukes again)
(Three tourists watching Norm are laughing at him)
Male Tourist: That bear's not scary at all! He belongs on Broadway!
(Norm sees his reflection in the block of ice, stops dancing and mourns)
NC: (as Norm) Oh, no! That's...not what I wanted to be?
NC (vo): I thought you didn't want to be a scary animal. You know, see you can get along and be peaceful with people?
(Norm is shown speaking to Socrates the seagull)
Norm: These intruders. They've never done anything for us except to come to our land uninvited.
(NC is speechless. He turns to his left)
NC: Motivation, you drunk again?
(The word "MOTIVATION" is shown, with the letter "T" voiced by Doug speaking in hoarse voice. The letter also has a booze in its hand)
Motivation: Only when you are stupid.
NC (vo): In fact, he's so spontaneously hates humans that he's looking to get rid of a person's house that suddenly pops up.
(Norm tries to explain the situation to the other animals)
Norm: There's a human house right here on Grandpa's land.
Forebear: You want to be king? A future king isn't supposed to get so emotional. And for the love of salmon, no more talking human!
NC (vo): Yes, don't use the gift your grandpa said was good to talk to humans that you don't want to talk to because you hate them now anyway.
(Cut to Norm's flashback from before)
Grandfather: Just know that what you and I have is a great gift.
(A puzzled NC opens his mouth to speak, but is cut off)
Motivation: Piss off!
(All the animals in the cave, except for Elizabeth, laugh at Norm, Socrates and three lemmings who leave the cave)
NC (vo): And by the way, you see how these three lemmings are following Norm around like they're close friends? Yeah, this is the first time we're seeing that. They go to see the house in the scene prior, but aside from that, we've never seen them before. Or...maybe we had, (The scene of lemmings in tuxes dancing is shown again) that's just one of these tainted tribbles, but following him out with their heads hung low because they have such a connection with him? This is the first time they're even acknowledging that they're in any way friends!
NC: I mean, establishing the strong relationship out of nowhere is just lazy! Isn't it, Bill?
(He turns to the door to see...nothing. NC gulps nervously)
NC: Bill? Bill? Bill? (He calls out) Bill!
(NC jumps out of his seat and starts running frantically around the room like in the Looney Tunes cartoon The Aristo-Cat)
NC: Bill! (A room is shot from a different angle) Bill!! (Another angle) BILL!!!
(NC is shown with a checkered red-and-white background)
NC: BIIIILL!! (Now, the background is stripes) BIIIIIILL!!!
(NC is standing in front of his shelter full of DVDs)
NC: Good grief. I'm all alone! Who'll take care of me?! (whimpers) I'll starve to death! (He goes further in the corner, before yelling out again in tears) BIIIIILL!!!
(Suddenly, he hears a familiar...)
(NC, now calm, walks up to Bill, who's wearing a crown on his top hat)
NC: Oh. That's right, Bill. You became the temporary king of Iceland.
NC: Well, (pats Bill on the shoulder) it's good to have you back, Bill.
NC: Do the Bill Dance!
(NC and Bill dance synchronically (and weirdly) to a dubstep music for about 8 seconds. Back to the movie, we are shown Elizabeth appearing and encouraging Norm)
NC (vo): But, hey, maybe they're learning from their mistakes. I mean, they did evolve this character from one word to a 20-second scene. Yeah, I counted. 20 seconds, folks.
Elizabeth: Don't just dance for the humans. Fight for our home instead.
Norm: Okay. I won't let you down.
NC: (as Norm) I will uphold that check that you got for one minute of dialogue. It's the least I can do for the least that we gave you!
Norm: (to Socrates) We have to do something! I have to do something! (grunts)
Socrates: Ah, number one or number two?
(NC isn't very happy)
NC: You know, I'm just gonna start (He takes his iPad and starts typing) a conspiracy cipher how this film got made. Theory one...
(A caption of that theory appears over the clip of Norm talking to Socrates as NC is speaking)
NC (vo): They took the Adam Sandler jokes so bad even he wouldn't use them in his movie, saw the flipbook he made of a polar bear instead of trying to write funnier lines, and Columbia made a film out of it before Netflix could get the rights.
NC: I can't prove that I'm right! (Beat) But you can't prove that I'm wrong.
(Norm, Socrates and the lemmings try to ruin the shooting of a commercial near the condo)
NC (vo): They see the human house is there for a real estate commercial, which Norm plans to sabotage, because...again, he sees the value in human life.
Nigel: A director always delivers and never quits.
(The cameraman starts sinking in the ice hole that Norm made)
Cameraman: There goes the footage...
NC: We never see that cameraman again, so I'm just gonna presume he's dead. (holds up two fingers) Bringing the kill count...
(The clip of the cameraman sinking is shown again, before showing a clip from before featuring a killer whale devouring a seal)
NC (vo): ...to surprisingly two!
NC: (takes out a DVD cover for the movie, pointing at the Dove Foundation: Family Approved logo) I question your age-appropriate rating, Dove Foundation! (smiles) By the way, I didn't Photoshop that. That's totally on there!
(A woman named Vera Brightly runs out of the house, trying to film a seal)
Vera: Sea lion! Hi! Please come back.
(Cut to Norm relaxing in a hole resembling a whirlpool bath and multiple lemmings making bubbles. Let's try not to question how they do it)
Norm: It's a seal, you generalist. Humans think all animals look the same.
(The lemmings stop and look at Norm questioningly. Norm just smiles sheepishly)
NC: (sarcastically) Yes. I was shocked by that line, too. Rob Schneider and racial sensitivity usually go so hand-in-hand!
NC (vo): An agent for Greene Homes named Vera, played by Heather Graham, talks with her daughter Olympia when she notices Norm in the distance.
(Norm runs to Vera to save her from an avalanche. At the same time, Vera is calling Olympia, who is typing on a computer)
Vera: I think he's charging me. Is that bad?
Olympia: It says, "When confronted with a polar bear..."
NC (vo): And is it me, or is the animation so awkward that when this kid turns sideways, her eye looks like the Devil's Venus flytrap?
(As we zoom on Olympia's eye that, in the described shot, has no pupil, we hear Doug doing the demonic, Dr. Claw-like voice to a dramatic music)
Demonic Voice: YEAH! I WILL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!
Vera: Let me call you back, honey. Mommy has an idea.
NC (vo): Vera films Norm chasing her, and sends it to her boss, Mr. Greene, played by Ken Jeong, and...
(NC, yet again, is out of words)
NC: I'm not gonna lie, this line of reasoning is so strange that, like violent vomit, I have to bring it up in chunks.
Vera: I got some really great footage of a polar bear that almost attacked me.
(The said footage of Norm is shown to Greene)
Greene: (via the video call) I love it, I love it! This bear is a star. This will definitely get me approval from the Polar Council.
(NC holds up index finger, and a "pop!" sound is heard. Fur Elise by Ludwig van Beethoven starts playing)
NC: Why would a dangerous animal sell homes?
NC (vo): Surprisingly, nobody wants property with a bear living on it unless Nicolas Cage is hiding inside.
NC: And don't tempt him with that offer! He needs the money.
(Norm and Socrates are listening to Vera and Greene's conversation)
Greene: We need a real symbol of the Arctic who can convince these morons to buy my homes. Find an actor who looks just like that bear.
NC: Well, again, (The screenshot from The Wicker Man with Cage's character wearing a bear rug is shown again) problem solved, he needs the money, but second, why would you need an actor who looks like a bear?
NC (vo): Is that some sort of trick they don't teach you in real estate school?
NC: (as a buyer) Well, I was gonna turn you down, but...dude looks like a bear. (Beat) You can connect the dots.
Greene: Let's use the Arctic to sell the Arctic. (makes a confident pose) Booyah!
(Vera gasps in horror before she is disconnected. NC holds up index finger again)
NC: Why did she gasp?
NC (vo): I mean, yes, any movie that says "booyah" should be given balls so they can be castrated, but...shouldn't she be happy? She fixed her problem! Maybe it suddenly hit her that her daughter has devil eye.
(We again cut to that scene with Olympia's eye not having a pupil, with the demonic noise being heard)
NC (vo): Seriously, what was that? Finally, why is Ken Jeong doing his worst Patton Oswalt?
Greene: Bring the commercial and the model back home to New York and I'll see you tomorrow, mañana.
NC (vo): Did they approach Patton Oswalt, and the first thing he said was...
NC: (as Oswalt) "Do you know who I'm not?! Ken Jeong!" (normal) And then they're like, "Ooh! We should get Ken Jeong!"
NC (vo): "His career is on the rise. Let's see if we can put a stop to that by casting him as someone who's supposed to move funny, but instead moves like a sped-up (picture of...) inflatable outside of a car rental!"
(The DVD cover for said movie is shown, before showing some clips from it)
NC (vo): If Norm of the North gets the treatment the mother got in that...
NC: ...this would at least be in the double digits. (Norm of the North's rating on Rotten Tomatoes is shown, which is 9%)
NC (vo): So Norm sneaks on to a submarine that lost its dentures, and Vera comes home to her daughter who is presumably Sherman (from 2014's Mr. Peabody & Sherman) after he got a sex change.
NC: Which, let's be honest, we all saw that coming.
Vera: This is only a tour. We still need Mr. Greene's help and...
Olympia: Mom, you're putting too much pressure on yourself.
NC: Okay, I know it's a cartoon, I shouldn't be questioning this, but... How is that neck...
NC (vo): ...supporting that head? It's like a straw trying to balance a potato.
NC: I'm just gonna question those logistics throughout the entire film.
NC (vo): Norm comes across two henchmen who try to catch him, but he runs outside, and he...
NC: Oh, sorry about that. (clears throat) Where was I?
(We are treated to...a miniature polar bear beating the shit out of Green's henchmen to a Chinese music)
NC: (flabbergasted) I'm...sorry, I sneezed. Apparently, that was enough to totally lose track of what was going on!
NC (vo): Okay, let me rewind this here... Okay, they confuse a guy in a bear suit for him, and rather than call the cops, he practices ninjutsu on them.
NC: Okay, now everything makes sense! (chuckling) Sorry, that must have seemed really stupid before I explained it.
(We see that Greene is talking to Councilwoman Klubeck from Polar Council via video call, with Klubeck looking more like an old guy with lipstick and makeup on)
NC (vo): But Greene finds out from that terrifying dream you had about Gilbert Gottfried in drag that if he doesn't get his approval ratings up, he can't sell houses in the Arctic. But not before an essential scene of the lemmings pissing in a fish tank.
(The lemmings jump up a fish tank in the waiting room and start urinating. All the people in the room (and the fish in the tank) are understandably disgusted)
NC: (pointing at DVD cover) All ages! (turns it to the other side) Even though it's rated PG. (turns it back) All ages!
NC (vo): And by the way, they clearly have their time priorities planned out. We had under a minute showing Norm's connection to his love interest, literally no time dedicated to showing Norm's connection to his comic relief...
NC: But lemmings pissing? 30 seconds.
NC (vo): And trust me, it gets uncomfortable.
(As the lemmings are shown still pissing in the tank and people continue to look at them, NC grows more anxious)
NC: They're all just...staring at them.
(One more shot of the lemmings making relaxed sounds and pissing)
NC: (whispering) Is this life now?
(We fade to black and go to commercial...still hearing the sounds of lemmings. When we come back, we are shown NC still looking uneasy and watching the pissing lemmings)
Vera: Thank you all for coming.
NC: (startled) Daaah! What's wrong with you?! The lemmings pissing! Go back to them! That needs to PEE!!!
NC (vo): D'oh... All right. I suppose people came for something other than rat urine.
NC: ...Did they?
NC (vo): Norm is immediately hired as the spokesperson, though Mr. Greene is surprised that an image as scary as a killer bear is as scary as a killer bear.
NC: Again, how is this campaign supposed to work?
Vera: ...And even brought Arctic lemmings.
(We transition to the lemmings...pissing in a palm tree pot and waving hi)
NC: (smiling sarcastically) YES!! They realized the error of their ways and they went right back to the lemmings pissing! (moves closer to camera) Don't be afraid to stare! (grins creepily) The movie says it's okay.
(As the lemmings still whiz, Mr. Greene is shown hiding behind Norm in the background)
NC: (still grinning) This is now our everything.
Greene: Well, he's too authentic. I mean, we need a bear that is happy. That makes people feel warm and safe.
NC: Like that scary video you (Vera) sent earlier. How do you movie, movie?
NC (vo): But he (Norm) dances, which wins him over, but he discovers he really is a bear, which makes him angry again, so he goes into a restaurant with a gun to try and kill him.
NC: Because...yeah, this will get...
NC (vo): ...your approval ratings up...
(The Greene Homes approval ratings actually go up because of this. NC stutters)
Vera: The local news caught your outburst. Everyone's talking about Norm, and look at our approval ratings.
NC: Okay, I know this is a kids' film...presumably one you show when punishing your kids, but, I'm sorry, how can any of this result in higher approval ratings?!
NC (vo): That's like a celebrity being found guilty of a crime, going to jail; when she's released, somehow she's worth even more money! (An image of Martha Stewart is shown) And if you thought that joke was too easy, screw you! It's Norm of the North! They can go for the easy ones; why can't I?! (through his teeth) Stupid!! (sighs) So, they want to use Norm again, making this pointless detour...what, 26? Though, Norm still tries hold out for more.
Norm: Well, Normie has to look for a new job and a place to live. Not all of us can afford a fancy Greene condo, which I hear is fully furnished and uninhabited.
NC: This is better than Schneider's usual bargaining line, which is "Do you know who I know?!"
NC (vo): So they end up also giving him a nice place to live. And, in this film's natural progression, we move from pissing lemmings to farting lemmings.
NC: But they are merciful on this one. Only 10 seconds are dedicated to this.
(We cut to lemmings polluting the air and Norm actually trying to intervene)
Norm: Okay. Okay, look... (He gives up)
NC: (holding an iPad again) I'd like to point out, by the way, that when I typed "farting lemmings"...
(We cut to iPad's screen showing Doug Walker's notes about the movie from the first viewing. Below "farting lemmings" is the question "Are you sure this is your life?" all in capital letters. Among the notes are "How did he find him?", "farted in water", "Why was that scene there?" and "Why didn't you lose that before?")
NC: ...autocorrect asked if I was sure this was my life. (types) Sadly, yes. (A female crying is heard from an iPad) Oh, don't cry.
NC (vo): Vera's going to put him on a talk show, but before she does, she introduces him to her daughter, Olympia.
(Vera answers the phone call and leaves Olympia)
Vera: (on the phone) Yes, hi, Mr. Greene. Sorry I didn't pick up before.
(Olympia sighs sadly)
Norm: Your mom is very good at her job, Olympia.
Olympia: Sometimes I wish she wasn't so good at her job, if it meant she got to spend more time with me.
(NC just stares at this blankly, with hand on cheek)
NC: You know, I make fun of this movie, but in all honesty, it is very impressive to see the first fully computer-animated motion picture. (Beat) Oh, I don't mean animated with computers, I mean animated by computers.
NC (vo): Because only a machine would combine all of these cliches and think it somehow equals cinematic emotion.
NC: (turns to his left, smiling) And I actually have that computer right here, the Talent Replacer 9000! Say hello, 9000.
(The Talent Replacer is a black flying drone that looks it came from Doctor Who)
TR-9000: (voiced by Tamara speaking in monotone) Hello, 9000.
NC: Oh, that sounds like humor! It's years old and not very funny, but nevertheless, you've picked up on it, and that's very impressive.
TR-9000: Of course. It is how I make what you humans have called "give-up" films.
NC: Now tell me, 9000, how did you come up with these ideas?
TR-9000: I do not come up with anything. I calculate what is used in every movie and put it in my movie. (NC "listens attentively", nodding and rubbing his chin) Where most films choose to focus on one or two of these cliches to make an emotional connection, I say "suck it" and replace the emotion with more cliches. The misunderstood hero. The busy parent. The budding friendship. Dance sequences. Corporate villains. Fart jokes. Pee jokes. The list is never ending.
NC: And that's what you did with Norm of the North?
TR-9000: No. For Rob Schneider movies, I use a different formula.
NC: Oh, yeah? And what's that?
TR-9000: Rob Schneider, derp dee derp. Derp dee derp dee derp dee derp. Until one day, the derpa derpa derpa derp. Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derp Dee Derp Dee Dumb. Rated PG-13.
NC: Ah! (takes out a DVD again) Dove Foundation approved!
TR-9000: Oh. I mean, PG.
NC: (turns back to camera) That's right. Parental guidance suggested. Even though it's been approved for all ages.
NC (vo): After going on TV where they show the security footage with such incredible angles and editing, you'd swear they were just too lazy to animate another scene, Norm, in the middle of the interview, dances!
(Norm goes out of the studio and dances along with everyone present)
NC: Yeah. He wasn't asked, they weren't talking about it. He just kind of randomly starts doing it.
NC (vo): It just comes right the hell out of nowhere, and suddenly, we're in a musical.
NC: It's like if in the middle of this review, I suddenly started dancing!
(After five seconds of awkward silence, nothing happens to NC, and we go back to the movie)
NC (vo): Mr. Greene takes Norm's voice and makes it sound like he supports putting his houses in the Arctic, so he (Norm) goes to Vera's because he remembers hearing that Olympia was a genius!
Norm: I actually think Olympia and myself are a lot alike. Two peas in a pod.
Olympia: (hugs Norm) Besties!
(NC frowns at this, before suddenly smiling)
NC: Yes! That's exactly right! You had one scene, and now, you're immediately besties! I think this whole entire film was some idiot looking through the garbage...
(We are shown still shots of NC in the role of the aforementioned idiot doing exactly what is described below)
NC (vo): ...finding the shredded first drafts of successful films, taping them back together, typing it up on a computer, setting the computer on fire, inhaling the fumes...
(The cemetery is shown)
NC (vo): ...death...
(A still of Jim Jarosz in a church rambling angrily and showing the middle finger is shown)
NC (vo): ...and this was the mocking eulogy some asshole gave at his funeral!
NC: And that...is the BEST-case scenario!
NC (vo): Olympia says he should go after the investors, and of course, she happens to know exactly where they are, and Norm shows them Greene already signed off on the homes without getting their approval.
Chef Kosawa: How did you get these?
Norm: I had some very small hairy associates relieve Mr. Greene of his flash drive.
(The lemmings smile proudly, and one of them farts)
NC: (hand on cheek) Every joke that comes from those pubes of misery should be followed by that kid crying from A Christmas Story.
(The lemming is shown farting again, before going to the clip from A Christmas Story with the mother winding the scarf around the bawling Randy's neck)
NC (vo): But things get crazier when Norm finds out Greene has his grandfather, and apparently has been holding him this whole time. Well, what the hell's the point of that? You could have cut the grandfather out of the second half of this film and you wouldn't miss a damn thing! What...did he have more of a story, and then the director just sent a note saying... (A note appears on screen, and NC reads the words in a dumb voice) "Eeeeeh, who gives a shit?"
NC: Because if that's the case, how do you explain this?
(Norm and his grandfather get captured by Greene's people on helicopters, but fall in the river water shortly thereafter. Norm saves the grandfather from drowning, but later he himself gets separated from by a small tower. Awakened in the Arctic, Norm is crowned the king because his grandfather wasn't found, but THEN, the latter arrives at the ceremony!!)
NC (vo): A scene where they escape, get captured again, only to escape again! Yeah! The scenes only last a few minutes! There's even a fake-out to make you think that Norm and his grandfather die, only to find out they're really still alive.
NC: Literally followed later by...
NC (vo): ...ANOTHER fake-out, making us think that Norm and his grandfather die, only to find out that they're actually still alive!
NC: (realizing) Oh, my God. This film's on constant repeat. It just keeps going over and over and over! It's on a continual loop! It's like...Groundhog Day, except instead of watching Bill Murray, we're watching Rob Schneider! (yelling) Instead of watching Bill Murray, we're watching ROB SCHNEIDER!!! (He stands up) NOOOOOOOO-
(A sudden cut occurs, and we see NC without his hat wearing sunglasses and a red sweatsuit, smiling and dancing to a rap music in an abstract background. Back to the film)
NC (vo): So the villain's plan is thwarted, Vera and Olympia live happily ever as pencil necks with...necks literally pencils, and the Rob Schneider bear... (We are shown Norm and Elizabeth watching at the night sky with three cubs who look just like Norm. NC shudders in disgust) ...procreates. And we...never think of that concept again.
(The film's final shot is shown, with Buffalo Wing Soda from Lester's Fixins appearing once again in the sky. Back to NC, who is again wearing kasaya. Tamara and Malcolm get off the couch with arms folded)
NC: (smiling) And that was Norm of the North. A film so bad that it helped me achieve enlightenment.
Malcolm: So it's worse than Garbage Pail Kids?
NC: Well...no. Nothing's worse than Garbage Pail Kids.
Tamara: It's worse than Mamma Mia?
NC: Well, okay, nothing's as bad as that either, but-
Malcolm: The Master of Disguise?
Tamara: Son of the Mask?
NC: Not re-
Malcolm: Cat in the Hat?
NC: Not exactly-
NC: You're ruining my Zen thing-
NC: (snaps) Okay, it's not as bad as any of those! It's just your...run-of-the-mill bad.
(The clips from the movie are shown for the last starts as NC goes to his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong. This is a tough film to get through. It's stupid, it's lazy, it's annoying, but it's...nothing you wouldn't expect. It doesn't surpass the unlikeability I would imagine I'd get from an animated Rob Schneider flick. If anything, it gives the exact crap I thought I would get. So, yeah. It sucks, but...I can't say it's the worst thing ever, or...even in my top 10 of worst things ever. It's just...bad.
NC: But that means that I didn't achieve enlightenment. I just watched a really stupid flick. I'm not any smarter, I'm not any dumber...okay, I'm a little dumber, but...this isn't the worst impact a film has had on me! I can't see without seeing, I can't bring about peace when there isn't peace- (He then abruptly touches his bald head, realizing in horror...) Oh, my God, I shaved my head. I look like a jackass now! A complete and total jackass! And for what? Norm of the freaking North?! I gave up my hair for THIS?! Oh, my GOD! What have I done with myself?!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?
(NC lowers his head in anguish)
Malcolm: Wait. You still think you had hair?
(NC raises his eyes to glower at Malcolm and Tamara. Cut to the outside of the studio. Malcolm and Tamara flee out of it as fast as they can. NC jumps through the roof, screaming at the top of his lungs, and lunges at them with a katana sword! We cut to black...and go to the end credits!)
Channel Awesome Tagline - TR-9000: Derp.