Nightmares on Elm Street #5-6
October 19th, 2015
Evil has finally met its match... although it's met it several times now, actually.
Erin: I swear, I had nothing to do with this. I'm just here for the Magic Coin. It's, uh... It's kind of my thing.
Harvey: (aiming his pistol at Erin) You'd think we'd buy that? You probably did something to him to distract so (points at her) you could take the coin!
Erin: Look, I'm a thief, and you guys are standing right there! Even with my cloaking device, I'd still want as little going on as possible.
Harvey: Then why are you trying to steal it now?
Erin: Look, I have a deadline. If I didn't do it tonight, it wasn't gonna get done. But if it's gonna cause this much trouble, (opens box) then you can keep the damn–
(As she opens it, however, a bright glow emanates from it, surprising everyone)
Pollo: Okay... that's new. I've never seen it do that before.
(Erin nervously closes the box, shutting out the light)
Erin: Well, I think that may explain what's going on with your friend in there.
Harvey: How so? It's just a magic coin. The kid uses it to turn into a Power Ranger sometimes.
Pollo: And grow giant-sized. We got some complaints from the neighbors for that.
Erin: You don't know anything about this coin, do you?
Pollo: Well, not really. Linkara just kind of found it one day. He said it came in the same box as the spell book.
Erin: Well, there's a legend behind it.
Harvey: Of course there is! Heaven forbid it just be some magic tchotchke you order out of F.A.O. Schwarz. No, no, no, it has to be the freakin' ring of power!
Erin: (points at Harvey) Hush, you!
(There is a flash of light, and the legend of the Coin is shown, with Erin explaining...)
Erin (v/o): Thousands of years ago, when magicians and sorcerers dominated the world, a being from another universe found its way to Earth. It was said to be born of an alchemist's nightmares. Some being that likened itself unto a god; part machine and part demon. It gained worshipers and slaves, amassing power quickly, and was completely resistant to the spells launched against it. A team of alchemists and magicians joined together and forged a great spear made of a unique metal never before imagined, an alloy of mystically-charged particles and foreign substances collected from falling stars and the strongest materials mined from the Earth. The spear worked better than they could have imagined. It was already great enough that it can physically hurt the creature. But when the spear was fully charged with magic, even close proximity to it messed with the creature's head and drove it mad. With a weapon like that, the creature fled, never to return.
(Flash back to Erin, Harvey and Pollo)
Pollo: What does any of that have to do with the Magic Coin?
Erin: Well, they discovered that it actually affected humans, too, just over a longer period of time. They melted down the spear, but kept the metal around in case they'd ever need it again. Time passed, and the material ended up with different people, traded it around with various collectors who made it into objects or... coinage, and here we are: magic coin.
Harvey: We've all been around that thing for years! Why is it only affecting him? And why now?
Erin: Well, it's not just the metal itself, it's the fact that it's mystically charged. It's more sensitive to magic users. From what I've seen, if it's regularly drained, then it's perfectly safe.
Pollo (v/o): Mechakara drained the Magic Coin years ago. It would probably take this long for it to recharge again.
(Cut back to the group again)
Harvey: Okay, all of that makes sense. (nods) Why is there a Pokemon on it?
Erin: (shrugs) I don't know. Maybe the last guy who owned it really liked Digiman or whatever this is.
Harvey: (sharply, pointing at Erin) It's a Lugia!
Pollo: The point is, are you saying that if we let you have the coin, Linkara will get better?
Erin: He might. I have been trying to get my hands on one of these for a while, and I did have a plan to drain the magic away when I got it. (shrugs) It couldn't to get it away from him for a little while at least.
(Harvey and Pollo stare)
Pollo: Take it. But we'll be in touch, I can assure you.
Erin: (holding out a card to them) My card. (Harvey takes it) Look, I don't wish anything bad on you or your friend in there. If there's anything I can do to help, look me up.
Harvey: Noted. Now skedaddle with that coin.
(Erin leaves. Harvey turns to Pollo)
Harvey: Nimue's got a trace on her?
Pollo: Of course.
(Outside, Erin speaks into a communicator on her person)
Erin: Seris, are they tracking me?
Seris: (on communicator) Bingo.
Erin: Well, that's not unexpected. Let me know how (?) suck.
Seris: (sighs) I warned you about the batteries.
(Cut back to Harvey and Pollo)
Harvey: Still, I don't know if it was a good idea to give her that coin. Or to trust her. I could've just driven away with the coin myself. (sighs)
Pollo: I trust Nimue, and I trust Comicron 1's weapons in case this is all a big con. Somehow, I got a feeling she wasn't lying. Let's just hope she was right and that this will help Linkara.
(AT4W title sequence plays, and the title card has "Why Was I Born (Freddy's Theme)" by Iggy Pop playing in the background. Then cut to Linkara on his futon)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Still stuck in here, still reading this miniseries.
(Cut to black)
Linkara (v/o): Last time on "Nightmares on Elm Street"...
(Shots of Issues 3 and 4 are shown as Linkara gives a recap)
Linkara (v/o): The writer apparently decided to call a do-over with the series, abandoning the main character of the first two issues to instead shift focus to Alice, master of not mastering dreams. She, with her son Jacob, has returned to Springwood, which is in the midst of a mass murder of children and teenagers by Devonne, a Waking World ally of Freddy Krueger. Freddy is attempting to recruit Jacob back to his cause by offering him his father back, and presumably his cool demon motorcycle as part of the negotiating package. With Jacob missing and Devonne seeking to murder her, Alice's only hope now is Dr. Neil Gordon, in a coma since those first two issues that are otherwise ignored.
(Cut to footage of the Nightmare movies)
Linkara (v/o): Before we get back to the story, I want to talk real quick about something. There's a bit of a debate going on in the comments section about slasher villains, the standard stuff: are they really scary, survivors actually getting to survive from one film to another, and their own preferences for the monsters. It's really up to your own personal opinions about this stuff, but I want to bring up another reason why I like Freddy more than others: he's an active villain. What I mean by that is that he is always seeking out more victims. He is evil.
(Cut to footage of Jason Voorhees in a Friday the 13th movie)
Linkara (v/o): You could argue that someone like Jason is as much of a victim himself, given his backstory. He may not even understand what he's doing. But the point is that, with very few exceptions, victims have to come to him to get killed. Otherwise, he's perfectly content to just stay at Crystal Lake doing... whatever the hell it is he does.
(Cut back to Freddy)
Linkara (v/o): But Freddy? Freddy is not in any way sympathetic. He is a monster through and through. He is actually going out to find victims, to the point where, when he ran out of the kids responsible for his death, he found ways to expand out and find more people to kill. Thus, while there's entertainment value in his kills, you're not actually rooting for him to win. You want this asshole taken down. (voice turns sour) Mind you, it also helps that you want to punch him when he makes terrible jokes.
(Cut to a clip of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, showing Freddy playing a video game and getting a high score of 99999, versus Spencer's score of 5122)
Freddy: What do you know? I beat my high score.
Linkara: (awkwardly) So, uh, let's dig into "Nightmares on Elm Street #5" and "#6" and... see how he's... defeated here.
(Cut to a closeup of the fifth issue's cover)
Linkara (v/o): Our cover here is really damn good: all the main characters hanging from giant Freddy's glove, which is a very precarious place to be hanging from, since I'm pretty sure that means it's slicing into their hands. Also, everything's on fire, because Freddy doesn't do anything small.
(Cut to a clip of Freddy vs. Jason)
Kia Waterson (Kelly Rowland): (to Krueger) You trying to compensate for something?
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): We open with... Freddy being introspective.
Freddy: (narrating) Too many years...
Linkara: (as Freddy) How many years have I been playing this damn part? Seriously, I miss being the friendly alien on V!
Freddy: (narrating) I'm trapped in this nightmare, just like my victims. I'm rotting here! Springwood is sucking my life out even as I consume its power...
Linkara: Well, here's an idea, Freddy: maybe you could trick people into getting you out of here if you didn't appear to them looking like the cousin of Deadpool.
Freddy: (narrating) ...But what use is power if it has limits?
Linkara: (as Freddy) Why doesn't this franchise have limit breaks?
Freddy: (narrating) The players are all moving into their final places. Alice doesn't know what she has to lose...
Linkara: Well, based on that panel, it looks like she's already lost her spine.
Linkara (v/o): Also, keep hiking up those pants, Alice. Soon, the pants will consume you.
Freddy: (narrating) ...Jacob doesn't know what he has to give... and Devonne doesn't know what she's in for...
Linkara: (as Freddy) Who am I talking to?
Linkara (v/o): Freddy walks off into an archway featuring the 3D snake demon things from the sixth movie.
(Cut to footage of the snake demon things from that movie)
Linkara (v/o): For those who don't know, in that movie, it was explained that these ancient demons basically gave Freddy this job. They have no backstory or anything, they're just creatures who seek out the most twisted human individual and grants them the ability to bend the line between dream and reality. It just seems so unnecessary. Sometimes, things need an explanation, but as lore for this series, it's so underdeveloped that I'm shocked that they even bothered. I think they just wanted a way to kill off Freddy, supposedly once and for all. Thus, they blow him up, and the demons decide to just leave, despite every other time Freddy has been defeated and them not caring. But hey, at least it gets him into Hell in time for Freddy vs. Jason.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, Freddy says he's ready now for Nancy to show up. Back in the real world, Yvonne is in the middle of practicing to be a centaur while fixing all the medical equipment Dr. Gordon pulled out when he woke up. Alice tells him about how she thinks Freddy has Jacob, but Neil just wants to go back to Nancy, slurring his words all the way for some reason. He explains about being protected in the Beautiful Dream, but also that Nancy may have mentioned something about Jacob. Thus, her only chance is to go into the dream herself.
Linkara: You know, going into the Dream World is really the solution to everything in this franchise. I don't even know why they discuss any other possibility.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, Devonne shows up at the hospital with her uzi and shoots everyone in the reception area.
Linkara: Quick, somebody call an ambulance! (stops himself and looks away) Oh...
Linkara (v/o): Dr. Gordon starts falling unconscious, so Alice asks Yvonne to knock her out with good ol'-fashioned drugs. Back over to Devonne, she's basically just going from room to room in search of Alice, even coming across this random room that has two Jewish people whom I presume to be Holocaust survivors, considering they say, "Again, they are here!", and a little... flame? Scrap of paper? I dunno, something on an arm, indicating a concentration camp number. This is not aided by Devonne Division, wherein they appear burned and stuff. So, once again, to keep this from getting a bit too real, enjoy another clip from Freddy's Nightmares.
(Cut to a clip of Freddy's Nightmare, showing Freddy as a chef)
Freddy: Well, you take your eggs. (throws some eggs into a bowl) A-one, a-two, a-three. You get some flour. (tosses in some flour) Mmmm! A little sugar! (laughs as he tosses in some sugar) Don't forget the butter! (throws in a stick of butter)
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): After Alice gets knocked out with Ecto Cooler, Devonne finds a room full of mumbling people and storms her way inside, killing another nurse.
Devonne: Only one more room.
Linkara: I have many thoughts. (holds up index finger) First, only one room left in the entire place? Geez, small hospital. (holds up two fingers) Two, she searched through that many rooms, opened fire on that many people, and still no cops? (holds up three fingers) Three, was Dr. Gordon placed as far away as possible from the entrance if it's the last room that needs to be searched?
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, into Dreamland and its ominous pink smoke. Aaand Alice immediately takes a tumble down some stairs. Not an auspicious beginning to her rescue mission. Also, gotta love that sound effect (...which is "KRUNK").
(Cut to a clip from the Game Crazy training video)
Zelda Scott: That was krunk.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Dr. Gordon arrives and helps her up.
Alice: Don't know why I didn't make a better entrance than that.
Linkara: I dunno, I'm sure the laugh track liked it.
Linkara (v/o): Back in the real world, a cop finally shows up to stop Devonne, ordering her to put her hands up. She does not, so he opens fire on her in what is actually a really damn good bit of sequential art, where these three panels are shaped like a "BAM" sound effect. Kudos. Also, Devonne has a delicious raspberry filling. Also also, Yvonne, living meme.
Yvonne: Ohhh fuuuuu
Linkara (v/o): Also cubed. BAM.
(Cut to a clip of Robowar)
Mascher (Mel Davidson): BAM?
Colonel: Big-Ass Motherfuckers.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Back in the dream, Dr. Gordon explains the Beautiful Dream thing. In a better way than the first two issues, even. While Freddy exists to perpetuate nightmares and his dark reality, Nancy exists to protect good, innocent dreams. Aaand then a sheep.
Alice: What the hell--?
Dr. Gordon: Huh! That's it, really. Freddy owns a little piece of Hell, and he's bringing it to Earth.
Linkara: The part of Hell that is a sheep, apparently. (shrugs)
Linkara (v/o): Alice and Dr. Gordon enter the church from Part 5, while in the real world, Devonne kills the cop in... a rather gory fashion. And her uzi has transformed into a different gun. Events in the Dream World seem to echo the world, so when the glass in the hospital room shatters, so does the glass in the church. Why is this happening? Because Freddy's true power is defenestration, I guess. Nancy suddenly teleports into the church, making sure to contort her body into some kind of gremlin or something, but Dr. Gordon and Alice are themselves teleported away by– (sees Alice twisting her body more than ever) GOOD GOD, ALICE! Okay, dreams don't have to make sense, but I call bullcrap on artwork that pinches her midsection to the point where it's THINNER THAN HER NECK! Devonne enters the hospital room and gets ready to shoot the unconscious Alice, but Yvonne gets a hold of the cop's gun and shoots Devonne in the heart.
Devonne: Ackkkuuh Wh-Whyyy?
Linkara: (as Devonne, clutching at his own chest) Geez! What did I ever do?!
Linkara (v/o): Back in the Dream World, Alice is teleported into an "Alice In Wonderland" dress with Freddy as the rabbit.
Freddy: You're late for our very important date!
Linkara: Ah! (holds up index finger) Don't worry, Freddy. I've seen Dating Dos and Don'ts. I know how to handle this.
(Cut to a clip of Linkara's riff video on Dating Dos and Don'ts)
Linkara: (as Woody, talking on the phone to Ann) LOOK, JUST GO OUT WITH ME, YOU SHRILL HARPY!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Nancy is apparently teleported as well, despite her just arriving at that point when she did. She arrives at her old house and is met by what is supposed to be her dad, John Saxon [Donald Thompson]. It's... not a great approximation of the actor, sadly, although some of the angles do kind of capture his likeness. He admits to her that Freddy got his soul prisoner here and that this is all his fault, admitting that he was the one who caused the clerical error that got Freddy released to begin with. Unfortunately, he also admits that the only way Freddy will let his soul be free is if he kills Nancy.
Linkara: Wow, dude! You just admitted to all the horrible mistakes you've made... and now you just wanna keep the train running, huh? In for a penny, John?
Linkara (v/o): Dr. Gordon gets teleported into a hospital room where he meets up with kids from the third movie who were all killed. But they've been transformed. For example, there's Jennifer, the one I mentioned before, who got her face smashed into a TV. And ironically, now her face is on TV. Aaand then she eats him, I guess.
Linkara: Brilliant strategy! Freddy will see this and not be sure if he should go for a TV pun or a food pun, and his mind will break from indecision!
Linkara (v/o): And here are the rest of the kids. I mentioned Taryn last time, and when she said in her dreams she was beautiful and bad, what she meant was, no pants or lower spine. There's Kincaid down there, who now has a lot of muscle to go with his superhuman strength. Up above is Phillip, who apparently decided to become Spider-Man after the whole marionette thing. And finally, Will, who has not changed at all, actually; still in the goofy wizard's robe, although now he's got a staff, too. We finally cut back to Jacob and his dad, playing in the lovely screaming flower fields. Dan explains to Jacob that Freddy can make it so he comes back with him out of the dream. I'd question how that's even possible when his body's in the ground, but then again, Freddy can be pulled out of dreams, too, so who knows? And what does Freddy want Jacob's help with? Well, our issue ends with us once again bridging the gap between Nightmares 5 and 6. Freddy wants to be able to attack people outside of Springwood.
Linkara: And a psychic child can help him with that by... uhh... reading people's minds? (shrugs in confusion)
Linkara (v/o): In this panel, the role of Jacob's head will be played by a lemon. Let's move on to our final issue with a cover that's... Okay, I get the symbolism: Freddy slashing through a large map, indicating his desire to go outside the confines of Springwood. It's just it's not exactly horrific, especially when Freddy's face here looks more desperate than evil.
Linkara: (as Freddy) Dammit, I'm not stoppin' to ask for directions! (holds up Freddy's glove) I'll just use the map and... (lunges forward, "tearing" the map) Aw, damn it! (looks around himself) Where did the comic go? (wiggles the knives on his fingers nervously)
Linkara (v/o): We open with Devonne, now dead and swimming through grape-flavored Gatorade.
Linkara: (holding up a bottle of grape-flavored Gatorade) Right there with you, Devonne.
Devonne: (narrating) It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would-- dying, I mean...
(Linkara as a puppet is shown in his usual spot)
Puppet Linkara: (as Devonne) Now, the part where I was shot twice, yeah, that hurt. (looks down at himself, seeing what he's become) Huh.
Devonne: (narrating) --But I know I'm not really dead.
(Cut to a clip of The Princess Bride)
Miracle Max (Billy Crystal): Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much.
(Cut back to the comic)
Devonne: (narrating) Freddy won't let me die-- there's too much he can use me for...
Linkara: (as Devonne) I'm great with light filing and typing.
Linkara (v/o): After recapping what the other characters are up to, we cut back to Jacob and Daniel, where it's time for more exposition and questioning why the hell Freddy needs Jacob if he's so damn powerful, why he needs to stay in Springwood, etc., etc.
Daniel: There are rules here too, Jacob.
Linkara: (as Daniel, wearing a straw hat) The weirdest rule is the one about ducks not being allowed to wear sandals. Why would they even be wearing those?
Linkara (v/o): Dan says that there are lots of souls trapped here, particularly those who died before they were supposed to.
Linkara: (now wearing a cowboy hat) Eh, Freddy vs. Final Destination just doesn't hold the same appeal for me.
Daniel: They might live forever, as long as someone out there cares... as long as someone remembers them.
Jacob: That's how Freddy keeps returning? People remember him back?
Linkara (v/o): What's funny to me is that this is actually unintentionally setting up Freddy vs. Jason. It fits in with the lore well, especially with the concept of Freddy feeding on fear. Thus, the more people think about him, the more afraid they get, the more powerful he becomes, and on and on. And from a meta concept, he keeps coming back because people keep remembering the character, and thus more films made about him.
Jacob: And he'll help you come back to the real world if I help him?
(Cut to a clip of Resident Evil)
(Back to the comic again)
Jacob: Okay... But I don't want anybody else to get hurt.
Linkara: (dressed like Freddy) And if Freddy Krueger is known for anything, it's not hurting people! (nods, then slaps himself on the head with a look of disgust)
Linkara (v/o): Then, over to Alice in Wonderland, where her now-dead friends from 4 and 5 show up as the various characters. But despite the better set up before, concerning how much seeing these people again should affect her emotionally, Alice is more annoyed by all of this. And why are the screaming flowers now turned into Joker-faced plants? Back over to Nancy and John Saxon, she [sic] shoots her in the head, and gore splatters, "Countdown to Infinite Crisis"-style. Well, isn't that just pleasant? John Saxon collapses into a fetal position, pleading to finally be let go of this.
Voice: I'll let you go.
Linkara: (as this voice, now wearing a blue outfit) Your new nightmare is having to the Frozen soundtrack on a continual loop... (leans in close to camera) forever!
Linkara (v/o): No, it's Nancy, who has assumed her final form... as a glowy, golden Ghost of Christmas Past or something.
Donald: Nancy--? What-- What's happened to you?
Nancy: I've changed, Daddy.
Linkara: (as Nancy, now wearing Darth Vader's signature mask) I'm using a much more energy efficient bulb now.
Nancy: I can fight him now. I've been fighting him all along...
Linkara (v/o): Erm, bit of a contradiction there. But yeah, she says it's time to end this once and for all! They arrive at the junkyard as before. And what's John Saxon's contribution after getting Freddy freed, participating in his murder, getting his ass kicked by a skeleton, shooting his daughter in the head, and somehow screwing that up?
Donald: Noooo! We can't!
(Cut to a clip of None Piece)
Monkey Dee Luffy: You were just comprised to fail, aren't you?
(Cut back to the comic)
Nancy: We can. I know the way in, now.
Linkara: (not wearing a hat at all) Yes, with your new dream powers, you have successfully... (pauses awkwardly) located a car trunk. (beat) What? (looks up and notices he's not wearing a hat) Oh. (puts on his regular hat)
Linkara (v/o): Over to Dr. Gordon, he runs from the Dream Warriors, and seriously, where the hell is Phillip hanging from? Kincaid says he'll get him and then he... uh, transforms into a panther. Uh, I don't recall that being a thing with him in the movies, but... okay.
(Cut to someone else dressed like Linkara, who becomes confused)
Man: Wait, what?
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Anywho, Dr. Gordon keeps yelling back at the kids that he's sorry and he wanted to save them, but the Dream Warriors explain that they're not actually after him. Also, Taryn's wearing a thong. Seriously, can some artists only get off if they draw women in clothes like this? I'm actually surprised Jennifer in her TV robot body isn't drawn like she's got an anatomically-correct robot body with a TV head. No, instead, she looks like the real source of our nightmares...
(Cut to a shot of...)
Linkara (v/o): Mr. Computer.
(Cut back to the "Nightmares" comic)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the group explains that they actually rescued Dr. Gordon from Freddy, and they want to team up to finally kick his ass. And good on that; after what happened with John Saxon, I was worried they were gonna tarnish the memory of these characters by making them into assholes, too. Alice arrives in the hall of severed demon heads, because we're still on this "Alice In Wonderland" kick, wherein we soon see the arrival of the Red Queen... who is in the form of Alice's mother. This barely gets a rise out of Alice, who instead just uses super breath to blow her away. And thus, they summon Freddy, who's the Jabberwocky or something.
Freddy: Time to rewrite the book!
Linkara: (as Freddy) In the new ending, Bella ends up with Jacob instead! It just makes more sense to me.
Linkara (v/o): Over to Devonne, who swims up into some cavernous skulls and is met by Freddy. He explains that this is the Dream Pool, where...
Linkara: (annoyed) Seriously, a lot of this series is just people explaining things that have no bearing on anything! Who cares what that place is?! It means nothing!
Linkara (v/o): There's expanding lore, and then there's just adding pointless minutiae! At least the 3D dream demon things explained why Freddy comes back from the dead when nobody else does. But all of this other stuff like the Dream Pool and the Beautiful Dream and Springwood's souls being trapped here and stuff really don't add anything to the story, and instead it feels like padding when they could've done more character stuff! Nancy and her father arrive in Freddy's cavern where they find... uh... a clock tower? A really big chair? The hell are we looking at?! Anyway, it has his soul or something there, and his body and soul are reunited... or he's being possessed by a dead man; that's also a possibility. Aaand he floats up to Heaven or something. Back over to the Dream Warriors... (sighs) MORE EXPOSITION, this time about how they don't think Freddy can be killed permanently, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
Linkara: Yeah, I remember that my favorite part of A Nightmare on Elm Street was all the long, talky bits of exposition on stuff we already learned in earlier installments that everybody is ignoring for some reason.
Linkara (v/o): Just to keep you guys interested, enjoy Freddy Krueger as the Wicked Witch of the West.
(Cut to another clip of Freddy's Nightmares, this one reenacting the famous tornado scene from The Wizard of Oz. Freddy appears outside the window, dressed as the Witch)
Freddy: I'll get you, my pretty, and your little soul, too! (cackles)
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): They [the Dream Warriors] give Dr. Gordon a MacGuffin for Jacob and... Dear Lord, this dialogue balloon layout is the worst! They obviously wanted to get in one last group shot of the Dream Warriors, but the result is that the dialogue balloons force you to jump all over the place to follow the conversation accurately. But yeah, they're off to fight "other battles," whatever the hell that means, and they send Dr. Gordon out to find Jacob and defeat Freddy. Speaking of, Jacob and Daniel show up at Casa de Freddy, ready to accept his deal. Freddy wants Jacob to use his powers to send Freddy into the real world, just like he used his power to send Devonne into her flashback concerning her parents.
Linkara: Jacob did that to Devonne? Kid's kind of an asshole then, I think. Or, if he didn't do it intentionally, he's an idiot.
Linkara (v/o): If he wants back in the real world to escape Springwood, why didn't he just possess Devonne like he did Jessie in the second movie? You can't say they're pretending that movie didn't happen! They showed the damn human-faced dog from that one! Or hell, just make someone else drag him out, like what happened in the first movie! But yeah, Freddy says Jacob can use the same technique bring his dad back to life.
(Linkara is seen dressed like an old man, with a white wig on his head, holding a cane and wearing a black coat)
Linkara: (old man voice) So, like, what happens to the body in the grave if it does that? Does that mean that there are (holds up two fingers) two of him? Or do they magically teleport inside of him? This makes no sense!
Linkara (v/o): Nancy shows up and tells Jacob not to believe him.
Freddy: Sorry, girlfriend. He knows better. He's got enough upstairs to know I'm not lying to him.
Linkara: (now wearing a jack-o-lantern mask) Eh, the jury's still out on that, especially when Jacob thought talking to his dad's gravestone would bring him back.
Linkara (v/o): Unfortunately, since Nancy is now in Freddy's domain, he can mess with her.
Freddy: Come on and give Freddy a big kiss.
Linkara (v/o): Eww! That tongue looks like it has, like, 80 million diseases on it! Dr. Gordon shows up, too, and helps save Nancy from the black oil sludge from Creepshow 2. While Devonne and Dr. Gordon fight, Nancy reminds Jacob that Freddy was the one who killed his dad in the first place and that he's currently fighting his mother. And since Jacob didn't want anybody else hurt, Freddy says screw it and makes the deal: either help him or he'll kill Alice. However, it seems Daniel wasn't an illusion by Freddy, since he jumps in to stab Freddy in the neck with a... spear or something. So Nancy grabs that spear; everybody's either fighting or running; the black oil becomes these weird shadow creatures that attack Devonne; Freddy refuses to help her; Dr. Gordon gives Jacob the MacGuffin; Dr. Gordon and Devonne stab Freddy; Alice, Daniel and Jacob start glowing green from the MacGuffin...
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching This Island Earth)
Mike: (as a character in the movie) Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): It's all a big cluster-crap as the three teleport away, and the dream surroundings collapse on top of Freddy somehow. Aaand I guess he's defeated. Sure, why not? Whatever ends this thing. Back in the real world, Yvonne is still trying to deal with the fact that she just killed Devonne, but then Jacob teleports in, and Dr. Gordon wakes up. Only it's not Dr. Gordon at all, but Daniel! And hey, it's time for our favoritest thing in this comic ever: exposition! Jacob says that he could bring Freddy back, but he would need a body. Thus, he was going to use Jacob's body for that task, but instead, Dr. Gordon sacrificed his body to let Daniel come back. But hey, he's happy, since he gets to stay with Nancy in the Dream World, so she can... uh... be a night light or something, I don't know. And so, our comic, and this miniseries, ends with Freddy's arm hanging out from under a ton of skulls while Alice and company decide that even if Freddy can't be defeated forever, they should get the hell out of Springwood. And hey, Jacob's actually expressing emotion and happiness, since the dad he never met before is alive again in somebody else's body.
Linkara: And the moral of the story is that children will find happiness if they have a father. (beat) I dunno, I'm grasping at straws here. After all this time, I can sadly conclude that, indeed, (holds up the set of comics) these comics suck.
Linkara (v/o): I will give it credit, though. Compared to other Halloween comics I've reviewed, this is leagues above those. And hell, there are actually a lot of good ideas here that would work well for their own stories and might have been expanded upon if Innovation hadn't gone bankrupt. The problem is that we end up with so much story that there isn't time to explore any of this, and instead, we end up taking page after page of explanation and exposition. Characterization and development are essentially sacrificed, as Alice is suddenly completely uncaring about what's happened to her friends, and we spend time in an "Alice in Wonderland" reference for no adequately-explained reason other than that's her name! Another thing that wastes our time is fanservice. Yes, it's great to see the Dream Warriors again, but what purpose do they ultimately serve in the story apart from that? Oh, to give Jacob the thing that we're never explained what the hell it is. Yeah, I know it would've just been more exposition, but at least we would've known what it was, where they got it from, and all that. Then there's trhe complete sacrifice of the first two issues. Some people suggest that a long delay between issues might have caused that story to be dropped, but I checked the dates; Issue 3 came out a month after Issue 2 like it should have. And the problem with having so many characters, especially ones that aren't killed off, means that they're all vying for attention, and nothing feels like it's really accomplished until the end, with little or no tension over the situation, since we don't see many instances of Freddy coming close to killing them. I'll give the comic this, though: the Devonne stuff was well-handled. Probably the best part of this whole thing. Yes, it still feels a bit rushed, but it's something different in the franchise to have Freddy partnered up with anyone, although I admit it's hard to imagine Freddy letting anyone else take his kills. Hell, the entire story is different from the Nightmare on Elm Street formula, so we can give it credit for trying to be original with it. The artwork is... bad. In most places, it's passable, but criminy in a handbasket, did Patrick Rolo have issues with drawing women. However, the rest of it was just fine, although the colors seem off. Seems to me that Freddy's domain shouldn't really be quite so colorful.
Linkara: Next time, we return to the Clone Saga for my seventh anniversary of doing this–
(Suddenly, he is interrupted by Freddy Krueger's cackle. He reacts in annoyance)
Linkara: Yeah, okay, dude! I think even dead people know what's going on, so come on, show yourself and let's get this over with!
Freddy: Oh, you ought to know, being one of the dear departed!
Linkara: I'm not dead yet. (gets up from his seat)
Freddy: Give it time!
(Linkara paces back and forth, looking around in frustration)
Linkara: Just... show yourself, you burnt piece of crap!
(He hears the sound of metal clanging and looks behind himself with a start. He sees Freddy Krueger himself (played by Lewis), who holds up his bladed claws to Linkara, smiling creepily)
Linkara: (more confused than alarmed) Wait, why do you look like me?
Freddy: (pointing at Linkara) Maybe it's because you're the real killer. Maybe it's all in your head, and you're your own worst fear. Or maybe you just don't have a lot of imagination.
Linkara: Or maybe you didn't want me to spend this whole fight calling you "Pizzaface".
Freddy: Ooh, look at the funny guy!
Linkara: Better than your one-liners, Fred. Tell me, do you do that because you secret want to be James Bond, or because it's a better supervillain gimmick than (makes "air quotes") "Captain Cutlery"?
(Freddy reaches out and slashes Linkara in the face. He clutches at his face, crying out in pain. Freddy laughs)
Freddy: Why're ya screamin'? (holds up his claws menacingly) I haven't even cut ya yet! (Linkara looks at Freddy in shock) Ooh, I'm gonna have some fun with you, Linky-Loo. (strokes chin) I think I'll start by (makes a slashing motion with his claws) slicin' a few chunks of ya off just to watch 'em grow right back! (chuckles sinisterly) Or maybe I'll summon up one of your little friends and cut a few parts off of them, and then let you watch.
Dr. Linksano: Linkara, if you can hear me, whatever you're seeing, it's not real!
Linkara: (stunned) What?
Freddy: (holding up his claws at Nimue) You shut up!
Dr. Linksano: You are hallucinating, Linkara!
(Freddy lunges out at Nimue and stabs his claws in it, destroying it in a shower of sparks)
Freddy: Nobody's comin' to bring you out of this!
(Linkara suddenly whistles, getting Freddy's attention. He holds up another Nimue, which is apparently the real one. Krueger is shocked)
Linkara: Care to repeat that?
Dr. Linksano: (on Nimue) You are hallucinating, Linkara! An unusual radiation has been affecting you! You have not slept in days! (Freddy seethes angrily, itching to fight again) As the source of the radiation moves away, your mind should reassert control and reject the hallucination.
Linkara: (turning back to Freddy, smiling) Well! Ain't that ducky!
Freddy: Oh-ho-ho! You're not out of this just yet. Before I go, I'm gonna (makes a swiping motion with his claws) slice out a good time! (cackles) Prepare to lick your wounds!
(Freddy opens his mouth and waggles his tongue at Linkara, who puts the Magic Gun in Freddy's mouth)
Linkara: (annoyed) Geez, what is it with you and tongues?!
(He pulls the trigger and fires, blowing up Freddy's head. His body falls down. Linkara smirks and twirls his gun. Suddenly, however, Freddy gets back up again, his head having reappeared, and clutching at his face. He groans)
Freddy: I'm gonna cut your eyes out for that!
(Freddy charges forward, but Linkara holds up a holy cross in his face, causing him to stop abruptly and become confused)
Freddy: What? A-A cross?! I'm not a goddamn vampire!
Linkara: Then come at me, dude!
(But Freddy doesn't come at Linkara, as he struggles in front of the cross, groaning, gasping and clutching his face)
Linkara: Five, six, grab your crucifix...
Freddy: It's just there for the rhyme, you...
(But Linkara still holds up the cross and Freddy doesn't move)
Linkara: I could also cite evidence from Part 3, where a cross and holy water hurt you, but I think my point is clear.
Freddy: YOU FRICKIN' NERD!
Linkara: (pretending to worry) Ooh, a scathing insult in the year 2015! What's next, you gonna call me a doc–
(Before he can finish, however, Freddy finally pushes past the cross and lunge forward, stabbing Linkara in the stomach with his claws)
Freddy: Maybe I'm not real, but before I go, I'm gonna make sure that you die first – all alone!
Linkara: (strained) In fact, I'm not even in front of you.
(Suddenly, Linkara appears behind Krueger)
Linkara (v/o): And whoever said I was alone?
(He then jams something in Freddy's face, distracting him. Screaming a muffled scream, Freddy struggles to get this thing off of him. It's a doll of the Thing From Another World. He throws it off and it rises up to confront him)
Thing doll: (speaking in a Chris Tucker-type voice) Daaaaamn, boyeeee!
Freddy: (pointing at Thing doll in utter confusion) The hell?!
Linkara: My title card artist calls him "Thing Tucker". It's the Thing From Another World, but voiced by Chris Tucker.
Thing Tucker: Do you understand the words comin' out of his mouth?
Freddy: YOU FRICKIN' LITTLE–
Linkara: Aaaand I think I'm done here.
(He holds up his hand, which is wearing a Nintendo Power Glove, and pushes a button on it)
Freddy: Oh, what, you're gonna be an AVGN ripoff from when he fought Freddy?
Linkara: (holding up gloved hand) Nah, I'm gonna rip off something else.
(Suddenly, Freddy becomes confused as he spots a UFO appearing in front of him, clearly hanging from a pole by a string)
Freddy: What the...?
Linkara: UFO ending!
Freddy: (confused) But I-I can see the pole it's hanging–
(Before he can finish, however, the UFO zaps him with a red laser, which causes him to go rigid. He disappears)
Linkara: Hey! You forgot the Power Glove!
Harvey: (calling out from outside the door) Kid, can you hear me? Are you all right in there?
Linkara: Oh, yeah, just defeated Freddy Krueger and I, uh... (voice trails off as he becomes sleepy all of a sudden) I feel... really... (falls forward on the floor)
(End credits roll)
I KIND OF understand why Kristen isn't with the other Dream Warriors, but why isn't Joey with them?
UFO Ending on the first playthrough? Laaaaame.
(Stinger: A clip of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare is shown, with Freddy Krueger getting a lit stick of dynamite in his chest from Maggie)
Freddy: Oh! Kids... (explodes)