Channel Awesome
New Line Cinema's Tales of Horror #1

New line horror at4w.jpg

Running Time
Air Date
October 16, 2017

Linkara: Next time, we celebrate the show’s anniversary with another clone saga book, but not featuring the Scarlet Spider. And after all of this, I hope you sleep a little more peacefully until then. 

[He then gets up off the futon and leaves. Afterward; we cut to the end credits.]

While Tobe Harris would continue to fail as a chainsaw salesman, he eventually found success selling power drills to a man named Russ Thorn.

Freddy Krueger would eventually retire from his murder sprees and start a reality show on Bravo. It lasted three seasons.

[We then cut back to Linkara basement apartment, where Jarris teleports in.]

Jarris: Oh hell man, one of these days, we gotta fix that portal. I feel like I got kicked by 5 mules at once.

Linkara: Good to see you to, man.

Jarris: Yeah, yeah, so what’s so damn important you had to drag my ass all the way over to your universe?

Linkara: I got a letter recently. [Holds up the invitation for the Contest of Champions] You ever hear of something called “The Contest of Champions?”

Jarris: “Conte-?” Oh, congratulations, man!

Linkara: Sooo, this is legit? This is a thing?

Jarris: Oh, hell yeah! I’m surprised you haven’t gotten that invite before. What they up to now, 950 or something?

Linkara: [Reads invitation] “1049th” according to the invitation.

Jarris: Well then, then are outside space and time.

Linkara: Look dude, I have no idea what the hell this is.

Jarris: You don’t? That surprises me even more. Sure, it’s not like every reality out there watches it, but with all that interdimensional tech you’ve got.


Jarris: Ok, long time ago, there was this race called the Temblins and over time, they ascended to a higher plane of existence. Got the whole package: god like powers, master of space and time, worshiped as gods, the whole 9 yards! And after they explore the limits of what their grand power over all of existence could do, they got bored. Having all that power was boring to them and so they came up with a way to keep themselves entertained, the Contest of Champions! They invite champions from a bunch of parallel universe, have them duke it out over a prize, and you get to watch it all and broadcast it if anyone wants to see it! It’s a big sporting event, like a wrestling match or something; people but bets on the champions and they have interviews and speculation analysis of the fights, it’s incredible!

Linkara: Sooo what, I’m supposed to wrestle a bunch of people?

Jarris: Maybe. See, that’s the fun part. To keep it interesting, every match is different. You’re randomly assigned to fight against a different competitor and 1 of them 2 gets to choose what the actual battles gonna be.

Linkara: Seriously? That means it might just be a friggin’ thumb war?!

Jarris: Well, yeah and stuff like that has actually happened. You know, I saw an arm wrestling match once. You know, [Miming an arm wrestling match with one of his arms] 10 minutes just back and forth. See, there are rules to it, while one of them gets to choose match, they both gotta agree on the general idea of how things are gonna work. There’s gotta be a reasonable chance that either one of them could win.

Linkara: How do they determine that?

Jarris: Well, the Temblins figure it out. You know,  a nice part about being all powerful, pretty easy to tell if someone’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning. Best part though, nobody’s allowed to die. Get stabbed in the heart, Temblins fix you right up.

Linkara: That’s neat and all, but why the hell would I care about participating?

Jarris: The prize, man! The prize!

Linkara: What is the prize?

Jarris: I don’t know what it is this time, but every contest has a different prize to it, something powerful and dangerous. Well, when I was in it, the prize was a device that allowed time manipulation. You bet your ass I wanted to get my hands on that, would’ve helped to deal with the government on my world a hell of a lot quicker.

Linkara: You were in one?

Jarris: Yep and I got 4th place even. Got taken down by some bandit. Man, I was fighting in the jungle with a bunch of traps that he set up. Joke’s on him though, he got taken out in his next battle against a guy that made him play a board game. [Linkara looks at the invitation] What’s wrong?

Linkara: A lot has happened since you were last here. I’m not feeling particularly like a champion right now.

Jarris: [Walks towards him] Well hell, at least see what the prize is.

Linkara: [Sighs and then calls out to nothing while holding the invitation] Ok mystery dude, what exactly is prize for this Contest of Champions?

[A blinding light appears, Linkara and Jarris shield their eyes as the Cloaked figure reappears.]

Cloaked Figure: The prize, should you emerge victorious, [Holds up the prize which was hidden behind his back] is an object known as the Infinity Gauntlet. [Linkara looks awe struck] Within each of its gems contains an aspect of the universe. Wielding all the gems in this gauntlet allows the wearer near absolute power. This variation on the design is based on a universe where only 5 of the gems exist, but it’s power is still as limitless.

Jarris: Wow, hot damn! They never skimp on these things.


Jarris: Cause they can, it’s what makes the contest so prestigious and famous. After all, champions aren’t necessarily good guys, they’re just the ones best suited for defending a universe. Well, that might mean an oppressive dictator or a pacifist with superior mental abilities, every universe got unique needs.

Linkara: Seems like it’d give you an unfair advantage the next time you participated!

Jarris: Well, no worries there, you only get to participate more than once if you don’t win 1st place.

Linkara: Eh, this whole thing seems like a trap, frankly: find someone who’s a potential danger, entice them with ultimate power, and then get rid of them when they’re done.

Jarris: Nah, after I lost, I waited around to find out who did win and I tried to steal the prize from him. [Linkara crosses his arms in disgust] What? I was trying to free my world, dang it! That thing was too good to give to without a fight! But yeah, that guy was ready for me when I encountered him again. Fortunately, he didn’t use that device to turn me to dust in the winter or something, it’s too well defended, too well fortified, I just gave up. He didn’t want to use that thing, just wanted to make sure none else used it.

Linkara: [Realizes] And that’s what I’m gonna do here.

Jarris: Pardon?

Linkara: The Infinity Gauntlet is too dangerous to let it fall into the wrong hands. [To the Cloaked figure] Alright dude, I formally accept your invitation to participate in this tournament!

Cloaked Figure: Welcome Linkara, to the Contest of Champions!

Jarris: [Worried] Hold on man, you’re not ready for-

Cloaked Figure: [Interrupts] Preliminary round begins now; your opponent is Impura. Battlefield has been selected as Linkara’s. [He disappears]

Linkara: “Preliminary round?”

Jarris: That’s what I was trying to tell you, man! Before you start things proper, you gotta fight-

[Impura (Played by Julie Sydor) teleports into the room. She has chalk white skin, black hair, and is wearing black fingerless gloves, a black hoodie, and a black domino mask. She moves hands which causes everything to look like the colors are inverted. There is then a red filter, Linkara finds that Jarris and Impura are gone.]

Linkara: The hell?

[We then hear the familiar laughter of Freddy Kruger.]


[The End]