NeverEnding Story III
January 4th, 2011
(NC is shown with his head down, sobbing.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it (voice cracks) so you don't have to... (continues crying) And welcome to the first installment...of Sequel Month. (cries again)
(title card of Sequel Month appears, where a stick figure of the NC's face, which looks disgusted, is shown)
NC: All through the month of January, I have to review... (sobs) I have to review terrible, terrible sequels to movies I've already looked at. (inhales) And if these sequels are ANYTHING like the movie I just saw, I am in serious shit, man! Serious, serious shit! (long beat) NeverEnding Story III.
(Title card and clips of NeverEnding Story 3 are shown while NC speaks.)
NC: (VO) I mean, this is anus scum! Literally, fresh-from-the-ass anus scum! This is one of the worst slaps in the face to a really great movie since... (NeverEnding Story 2 title card appears) THE LAST SLAP IN THE FACE TO IT! But give NeverEnding Story 2 some credit, it wasn't...THIS! This is the Mortal Kombat 2 of sequels; the Batman & Robin; the... (Troll 2 cover appears) WELL, IT'S STILL BAD! It's one of the worst sequels to a franchise I have ever seen, period.
NC: (holds up DVD of movie) This is the movie. (throws it away) These are the (brings a thick stack of papers on his desk) notes of things that are wrong with the movie, so as you can imagine, there's a lot to talk about. So I will do my best to keep this review under a millennium long, but I make no promises. (beat) Let's take a look.
(Opening credits play)
NC: (VO) First of all, look at this stellar computer animation. Doesn't it look like it's just leaping out at you? Hell, the credits look more three-dimensional. I guess this is supposed to be Fantasia, but Lord knows it looks more like a theme park from the fucking White Witch of Narnia. (poster of the White Witch of Narnia appears with text "Welcome to Narny-La")
(Scene cuts to Scribe making letters appear in book.)
NC: (VO) Apparently, there's this Dumble-douche who spends most of his time recording the tales of the Neverending Story. Yeah, just burn the pages after part 1, pal; it'll save you four hours.
Scribe: There will be a day when the writing stylus will start to act strangely. This is a sign that The Nasty is on the way.
NC: (VO) The Nasty. That's the name of our villain, folks. The Nasty. In the first film, it was The Nothing, the second film, it was The Emptiness. And in this film, it's The Nasty.
NC: The hell's the villain in the next film gonna be called? The... (makes ghost sounds)?
Scribe: To stop The Nasty, even temporarily, would require a special young human. A voracious leader of great imagination, and extraordinary courage.
(Bastian (now played by Jason James Ritcher) is seen running from bullies in a school hall)
NC: (VO) Too bad! You got the dick-cheese from Free Willy. Enjoy! He's being chased by some bullies and hides in the school library, where he comes across the librarian from the first two films, played this time by Freddie Jones. Yeah, is it me or do they always meet this way?
Bastian: Mr. Coreander, don't you remember me? Bastian! Bastian Balthazar Bux.
Mr. Coreander: Bastian? What in the world happened to you?
NC: (VO) (as Bastian) They changed actors twice.
Bastian: The NeverEnding Story.
Mr. Coreander: That is strictly a reference book from now on. It must not to be taken from the library under any circumstances.
NC: (as Mr. Coreander) That's why I left it out in the open for anybody to steal. Seriously, I should take better care of my books!
NC: (VO) So he looks in the book and sees his story is once again being told through the text. Apparently, his dad got married to a divorcee named Jane Baxter.
Bastian: Jane's house was more suited for a family of four; which, for Bastian, meant a new room, a new neighborhood, and worst of all, a new school.
NC: (VO) Well, thank God the librarian just happened to move at the exact same time to the exact same school. (the empty bookstore from NeverEnding Story II is shown) Or maybe when he, you know, VANISHED INTO THIN AIR from the last film, he just happened to reappear at the school! That's fucking lucky! He also gets a little sister: a bratty little bitch-and-a-half who wants nothing to do with Bastian.
Bastian: You can have one if you want. I got plenty of them.
Nicole (Melody Kay): What for? Crystals are so stupid. Like a crystal can really grant a wish or something?
NC: When did he say it could?
Nicole: Spare me this New Age garbage.
Bastian: Crystals aren't supposed to grant wishes. (subtitle: "CREEPY SCENE IN: 3...2...1") Only the Auryn can do that. (walks toward her and whispers) You can't tell this to anybody.
(NC looks on with a creeped-out look)
Bastian: The Auryn is the necklace of the Childlike Empress, the ruler of all Fantasia. The NeverEnding Story.
NC: (points at him) You're crazy.
NC: (VO) So after hearing his Dungeons and Dragons wet dreams, she locks herself in her room and tries to cope with the situation.
Nicole: (strumming on guitar and singing) I wish I still saw you...
NC: (VO) Yeah, thank God she's not into all that New Age crap. She just likes to express her feelings on acoustic guitar and sing lyrics that wouldn't make it into a Jewel poetry book!
Nicole: (singing) And you left me here.
NC: (VO) So Bastian's dad, who looks like a pig who just ate Vince Vaughn, tries to help his new wife be a good parent.
Barney (Kevin McNulty): (shouts upstairs to the kids) DOWNSTAIRS! LOOK ALIVE! LET'S GO! YEE-HAW!
Jane (Tracey Ellis): (deadpan) I'll be pulling the car out of the garage. You know, when you're ready.
NC: (as Jane) I'm acting.
NC: (VO) But Bastian decides he want to look cool on his first day of school. So he goes for something along the lines of that green-haired guy from SimCity [Dr. Wright].
Bastian: (his hair is sticking straight up as a result of using hair gel) Jane, would you happen to have a comb?
Jane: No, I don't, but don't worry. You look perfectly...impressive.
NC: (VO) Yeah, you can call it the "I just woke up and saw the box office results for NeverEnding Story 3" look.
High school student: (clearly played by an adult) Oh, my God. The new brother.
Other high school student: (also clearly played by an adult) Is he for real?
NC: (VO) Well, that depends. Do you believe two obvious thirty-year-olds tying to play HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS is for real?
Bastian: Where's the men's room? Nicole, I gotta get this stuff out of my hair.
Nicole: I can't show you the bathroom right now!
Student: Oh, my God! Get out of here!
(Students start to run away)
NC: (VO) Wait, What? Wha-wha-wha-oh-whoa, huh? Wait!
Nicole: Come on!
Bastian: Why? Who are they?
Nicole: The Nasties!
NC: (VO) Wait! No! Wait! Come on! Wait! What? Huh? Wait! (The Nasties appear as a group of bullies) Wait! How does this... Wha?
NC: Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. We gotta go back and do bullet points, 'cause there's just too many things wrong with this scene! First off... (points to Slip, the leader of Nasties, played by...) That's Jack Black. (hits his hat) WHAT?! Second...
NC: (VO) Why would an entire school literally run away from a group of bullies? What, did they stuff their pants with TNT or something?
NC: Third... (points to Slip again) that's Jack Black. (hits his hat again) WHAT?! Fourth...
NC: (VO) They're literally called The Nasties?! In the first film, The Nothing was an abstract entity. In the second film, The Emptiness was the human form of dying imagination. In this film, it's literally just a bunch of bullies called The Nasties? How fucking uninspiring is that? To go from complex ideas destroying worlds to one half of Tenacious D acting like a dick-mule.
NC: (sarcastically) Boy, they keep upping the ante, don't they?
NC: (VO) Now to his credit, Jack Black does seem like the only actor who's actually having fun with his performance. Don't get me wrong, it's still written terribly, but it's a lot of fun to see him try and pull something off of it.
Bastian: Can you guys show me where the men's room is?
Slip: Mmm, mmm, ah! Well, I think it'd only be right that we personally escort you to the men's room.
Admiral Ackbar (from Return of the Jedi): It's a trap!
NC: (VO) So they lock him in the storage room until the janitor comes along and spots them.
Slip: Yo, Mr. Jones. What's up?
Mr. Jones (Mark Acheson): How many times are you weasels going to repeat the twelfth grade?
NC: (VO) Oh, so that's why half the high school students look like they're in their twenties!
Mr. Jones: Principal said the next time he catches yous down here, he'd have you's all expelled.
NC: (VO) So Bastian knocks on the door and tells the janitor what happened, resulting in them getting expelled. Which leads us to where the story left off with Bastian finding the book. Kinda weird that he read all the things that he already knew happened to himself. But the bullies find him and continue to chase him down. (Bastian continues running) Hey, you know what I don't miss in this film? Fantasia. I don't miss it at all. The other films would've gotten there by now, but this film feels that taking its time to show us how teeth-grindingly boring our main character is is much more important. (zooming on the subtitle) Hell, the name of the blippin' film is "Escape from Fantasia"! They should've called it "Trying to Get to Fucking Fantasia"!
Bastian: Help! Take me back to Fantasia! It's my story and I say I return to Fantasia to escape The Nasties!
(The transporting effect is simply the camera zooming in and out on Bastian while light flashes)
NC: (VO) What the hell? (Bastian disappears, indicating he has been transported to Fantasia) That's your transporting effect? You'd be lucky if you didn't get a seizure traveling that way.
NC: I wanna go to Fantasia now! (camera zooms in and out on him, hitting him every single time) Ow! Ow! Ah! Ow! Ow! Why is it so mean? Ow! Ow! AH!
NC: (VO) So FINALLY, he transports himself back to Fantasia. (A masculine-looking female gnome is shown) Oh, hey, I didn't know Martin Short was in this movie.
(Bastian crashes on top of the gnomes' house)
NC: (VO) So he comes across the gnomes from the first movie--who are now Irish for some reason--as Jack Black [Slip] continues to try and find Bastian.
Slip: When I get my hands on that slippery weasel, I'm gonna rock his world.
Nasties Member: Yo! Maybe he's hiding in one of these books! (shouts into book) YO, BALTHAZAR!
NC: (VO) You know, these guys are making Bulk and Skull look like professional assassins.
Slip: Did anybody check in there?
NC: (VO) So they find the book and--here's a big shock--they're actually able to read!
Slip: (reading from book) "In order to escape The Nasties"--The Nasties?--"Bastian rushed inside the nearest door in the school library". Now, how can something that's happening right now be in this book? (slaps his forehead) IT AIN'T POSSIBLE!
NC: (pretends to read from a book) "He then slapped himself in a bout of overacting hamminess".
NC: (VO) So, The Nasties eventually figure out that the book is alive and that Bastian is inside.
Slip: (slams the book shut) Maybe we can make a few things happen to him.
NC: (VO) So, The Nasties start to destroy the world by... (The Nasties jump around the library before settling on chairs) jumping on chairs? Yeah, honestly, they never explain how they're controlling the story. They never write in the book, they never read the book out loud. It's just sort of in their control. But luckily, some characters are still around to help.
Bastian: Falkor, you did great!
Falkor: (now speaking with a simpleton voice) Am I still in one piece?
Bastian: We need a ride to Silver City to see the Empress.
Falkor: Not with me! I just came from there. Everyone's acting crazy.
NC: Oh, my God, what did they do to ya, Falkor?!
NC: (VO) Not only do the animatronics look like the butt-cheeks from Chuck-E-Cheese, but the character is totally backwards. (Falkor from NeverEnding Story is shown) Falkor was a dignified creature. He was optimistic and wise. (Falkor from NeverEnding Story III) This abomination is a blithering idiot! He's like the flying version of Patrick the Starfish!
Falkor: (from NeverEnding Story): Things will work out fine, Atreyu. Never give up, and good luck will find you.
Current Falkor: Oh, wait, that's just what I heard. It could be just a rumor. Oh, this is no weather for mountain flying.
NC: (as Current Falkor) I don't wanna (gulps) go on an adventuuuure! (goofy music plays)
NC: (VO) But, he's not the only character who gets an anal raping from this film. Just take a look at what they did to The Rockbiter and... (sighs in contempt) family.
(The Rockbiter baby is watching an animated Rockbiter musician on television)
NC: (VO) Yeah. There's TV in Fantasia now, folks. TV. Isn't that like the number one thing that keeps children from reading? And they have it in Fantasia? A world that can't SURVIVE UNLESS CHILDREN ARE READING?! Hmph, what a fucking hypocritical world!
Rockbiter: (to Rockbiter wife) Did someone say "rocks before lunch"?
NC: (VO) Yes, people. That... is The Rockbiter. (beat) Allow me to cry for you.
(NC sobs hysterically)
NC: (VO) What have you done, movie?! What have you done?! You turned this character into a FUCKING sitcom! No, I'm serious. It's a fucking sitcom! Like the FUCKING Flintstones and the FUCKING Dinosaurs!
NC: Don't fucking believe me? Take a FUCKING look...
(shows scenes from The Flintstones and Dinosaurs)
NC: (VO) ...at these FUCKING scenes from those FUCKING shows and then FUCKING tell me they don't FUCKING look like the FUCKING same thing, you FUCKING, FUCK, FUCK!
NC: But, oh, wait! (shakes violently) There's more! Just listen to what the FUCKING family sounds like!
Rockbiter's wife: (voice is almost as low as her husband's) Would you like to go to the Wandering Mountains and breaking off about a half a ton of limestone for me? Hmm?
NC: (looks disgusted) Does that sound remotely female? I mean, at all? At all? Is there any indication that that's a female voice? No, no, no-no-no-no-no. That thing...
NC: (VO) ...has a dick! It has bulging testicles; he married a rockvestite!
NC: But, wait! (shakes more violently) There's more! Take a look at how the baby sounds!
Rockbiter Baby: (higher but still adult male voice) Junior go bikey! Dada, me come, too!
Rockbiter: Okay, Junior.
NC: (looks confused and then slaps desk) It's all the same guy.
NC: (VO) Yeah, it's the same actor doing all three parts. I'm convinced. There is no attempt to disguise the voice at all. They just didn't care.
(Editor: Actually it's two separate actors, as the Rock Biter and the child have the same voice, though you wouldn't know it by listening.)
NC: BUT, WAIT! (wheezes loudly) THERE'S MORE! JUST WHEN YOU THINK THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY TAKE AWAY ANY MORE DIGNITY FROM THIS CHARACTER THEY CAN'T BUTT-FUCK HIM ENOUGH... (hangs his head) Play it.
(Rockbiter sings Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild" while riding on his rock motorcycle)
Rockbiter: (singing) Get your motor running...
(NC looks horrified)
Rockbiter: (singing) Head out on the highway / looking for adventure...
(NC's jaw literally hits the desk)
Rockbiter: (singing) And whatever comes our way / Yeah, darling, gonna make it happen...
Flashing Subtitle: YES, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!
Rockbiter: (singing) Take the world in a love embrace...
NC: (begins making incoherent sounds, then settles down, making the devil horn symbol for a few moments) Okay, okay. Let me make one thing perfectly clear. This is not jumping the shark. I'm gonna repeat that again: this is not jumping the shark. No-no-no-no-no. This is...
(Illustrations of what he says plays out)
NC: (VO) (voice becomes very angry as he speaks) ...jumping the shark, coming back, shooting it in the balls, raping it, eating its flesh, consuming its soul, mounting its head on the wall, AND THEN DOING THE SAME THING TO 12 MORE FUCKING SHARKS JUST TO BE SAFE!
NC: Don't believe me? You DAAAARE not fucking believe me?! Well, let's take a look at the original film and this film, back to back!
Original Rockbiter: They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they?
Current Rockbiter: (singing) Get your motor running / Head out on the highway...
Original Rockbiter: My little friends... The Nothing pulled them right out of my hands.
Current Rockbiter: (singing) Take the world in a love embrace...
NC: (manically) They don't quite fit together, do they? They don't quite FIT TOGETHER! (shouts in deep voice) SHAME ON YOU, MOVIE! SHAME ON YOU!
NC: (VO) Anyway, we see The Childlike Empress--who, of course, looks nothing like a child--and her sidekick...(close up of the Empress' giant-headed attendant, played by Thomas Petruo) Megamind?--as they enter the icy mountain the same time Bastian does.
Bastian: Empress, how are you?
Empress: Not well. We must not give in to The Nasty!
NC: Am I the only one who finds that dirty?
Empress: You will take the Auryn with you. You shall wish yourself back to the human world. Then use the Auryn to return the book to the safe hands of The Keeper.
NC: (VO) Safe-shmafe! This is the third time he's lost that goddamn book! It couldn't be in worse hands!
Henry Jones (from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade): I should have mailed it to The Marx Brothers!
NC: (VO) So, for some reason that's never fully explained, they all have to hold hands and wish together in order to get back to the real world. The Rockbiter's baby sneaks in, though, and this somehow screws everything up.
Rockbiter Baby: (as they transport back to real world) Dada, help me!
(Bastian is now back in the real world)
Bastian: I hereby wish The NeverEnding Story would leave The Nasties...
Empress: No, Bastian! Stop!
Empress: Bastian, the Fantasians who helped you got caught in a wish overload.
NC: (rubbing his head) "Wish overload". I can't believe this fuck!
Empress: They're with you in the human world, but you must not use the powers of Auryn to stop The Nasties.
Bastian: Why not?
NC: Yeah, why not?
Empress: 'Cause the new Fantasia it follows will be different. It won't include them.
NC: But it's his imagination. Why can't he just wish they're in the new Fantasia?
Bastian: It's my imagination. I'll just...make sure they're in the new Fantasia.
Empress: No, Bastian.
(NC looks around and then motions for The Empress to keep going)
NC: (VO) What, that's it? Just "no"? There's no other reason why?
NC: Why can't he just wish them ba...?
Empress: No, Bastian.
NC: It seems like he could do it really easi...
Empress: No, Bastian.
NC: I mean, he's got the little thi...
Empress: No, Bastian.
NC: Just take two sec...
Empress: No, Bastian.
NC: (beat) What if he just...?
Empress: No, Bastian.
NC: Fuck you, it's your damn world; you botch it up however you want!
NC: (VO) So Falkor is stuck somewhere in the sky, Treepube here is stuck somewhere in the forest, the gnomes are trapped in Nome, Alaska--get it?--and that petrified turd [Rockbiter] is stuck somewhere on Mount Rushmore. So Bastian is stuck at home literally waiting for his friends to find him as his dad comes in to chat.
Barney: Any...problems at the new school? Making any friends?
Bastian: I'm fine, okay?
NC: (wondering) How much you wanna bet they're not gonna bring up at all...
NC: (VO) ...any of the knowledge the father got about the book from the last movie? (scenes of Bastian with his father from NeverEnding Story 2 play as he explains) Even though clearly in the last film, he proved that everything he said about the story was real.
Barney: So there's nothing you want....
(Barney gets up to leave Bastian's room)
NC: (VO) Nope, not even a mention. Continuity is fucked like a $2.00 whore! The only thing he says is two words that pretty much sum up the entire movie in a nutshell.
Bastian: Everything sucks. Okay?
NC: (VO) (as Barney) Good talk, son. I think we've really come a long way after our breakthrough "this really bites" discussion.
NC: (VO) So we see The Nasties literally have a hideout at the mall behind a garbage dumpster. I swear to God, these guys are turning into 1960s Batman villains every time I turn around.
Nasties Member: Do you think maybe we should get our hands from that Clauron thing first?
Slip: Before we even get a chance to read about it, this book could go flying right out of our hands.
Female Nasties Member: Let's steal the necklace. And then we get the book.
Slip: Permanent control over Balthazar's story.
Khan Noonien Singh (from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan): I'll chase him round the Moons of Nibia, and round the Antares Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up!
NC: (VO) We see Falkor got the baby and are stuck in some sort of Chinese parade. And I have to admit, it's pretty bad when the paper dragons are looking more realistic than the ACTUAL dragon.
Falkor: It may not be Fantasia, but there's some cute dragons here!
NC: (mocks Falkor) There's some cute dragons here! (whispers in rage) Fu-fu-fu-fuck you.
NC: (VO) But Bastian finds them and they fly away, as nobody questions why there's a giant white hairy penis flying in the sky. So Falkor flies the baby and Bastian home and continues to search for the others.
NC: (VO) (singing in tune to the theme from E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial while Falkor flies in front of the moon) E.T.'s a much better movie.
NC: (VO; normal voice) Speaking of E.T. ripoffs, we get those classic scenes where the kid is hiding the creature in a comedic way from the parents. But, again, why doesn't he just fucking show them? The father knows the world exists, or at least he did in the last movie, so what's the big deal? Oh, and here's a real bonehead move: Bastian goes to school the next day, leaving the giant rock baby AND the all powerful necklace out in the open. Thank God you don't have a bitchy bitch sister who would steal it for any reas...
(Nicole finds the necklace and picks it up.)
NC: (VO) (speaks in a showman voice) And you just won the Dumbass of the Year award! (applause)
NC: (VO) (normal voice) At school, we see The Nasties watching him, but are waiting for the right moment to strike.
Slip: We're supposed to be expelled, remember? (sighs) Let's wait till the three o'clock bell so we can take him outside without no one noticin'.
Khan (from Star Trek II): Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us "Revenge is a dish that is best served cold"?
NC: (VO) But soon, the sister figures out the Auryn has power and--here's a bright move--SHE MAKES FUCKING WISHES WITH IT!
NC: THANK YOU, GOD!
NC: (VO) How come that dumbass Bastian never gets the idea to just wish for shit? True, she's using it to go shopping and dress up like Bozo's hooker, but hell, she's fucking using it! All Bastian has to do is wish for The NeverEnding Story to be in his hand and all this misery would be over. But no! He just sits in his room, praying the problem will fix itself! That technically means that the bitchy sister is more of a hero than he is, because she's fucking using it! Hell, even The Nasties, the villains of this picture, are closer to heroes than Bastian is, because they're actually taking advantage of what they have! (To Bastian) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN THIS MOVIE?! JUST LEAVE!
(The aforementioned next scenes play out as NC speaks)
NC: (VO) Okay, so The Nasties find out that Bastian doesn't have the necklace, and like idiots, they let him go. Back at home, both the gnome and the tree...somehow deliver themselves to Bastian even though they don't know his address? Fuck it. I don't care. I'll buy it! Fill in the plot holes yourself, kids, 'cause this movie ain't gonna do it for you! They go to find the sister at the mall and--oh, what a coincidence--it happens to be Halloween, so they can walk around without getting noticed. Lucky, lucky. Little do they know, though, that The Nasties are reading their progress.
Slip: WHAT A DWEEB! Okay, come on, guys. Balthazar's sister's right upstairs.
Khan (from Star Trek II): There she is! There she is! Aaahhh!
NC: (VO) So The Nasties grab the necklace and run.
Nicole: Where'd they go?
Bastian: I don't know, they must've used the Auryn to disappear.
Nicole: What will happen if you don't get the Auryn back?
Bastian: Don't you realize what you've caused?
Bastian: I really hope you enjoyed your little shopping spree.
NC: It's called "doing something", you dumbass! Look into it!
NC: (VO) So it looks like The Nasties have control of the necklace and thus all power in the world.
Slip: YO, EMPRESS!
NC: (jumps) Jesus!
Slip: Check it out, Wilma. I'm the new keeper of the book.
Empress: My name is not Wilma.
NC: Yeah, don't you remember? It's...
Bastian: (from NeverEnding Story): (screaming out the window) MOONCHILD!!!
Empress: Then Bastian has failed, and the Fantasia that we know will be a thing of the past.
NC: Yeah, you really should have learned your lesson from the last movie. (whispers) He's not very good at this.
NC: (VO) So, The Nasties literally turn everybody in the world into arguing jerks because...they're nasty. This means the kids' parents are at each other's throats, too. But, luckily, they find The Nasties and try to stop them.
Slip: Looks like things are getting a little nasty over at the Bux residence.
Bastian: You made it that way!
Slip: Don't go blamin' it on me. I didn't put those words into your parents' mouths. (whispers) They said it themselves.
Khan (from Star Trek II): For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.
NC: (VO) But the tree steals it from them and gives it back to Bastian.
Bastian: I wish...
NC: Finally, rain down some vengeance on these assholes!
Slip: Big man, Balthazar...when you got the necklace. Put it down.
NC: What? No. We're doing this?
Slip: Put it down. Then we'll see what a big man you are.
Nicole: (reading from book) "Bastian placed the necklace down".
NC: You can't be serious!
(Bastian puts the necklace down.)
NC: (VO) You're dead to me, kid. You're... You're just gone.
Nicole: (reading from book) "All at once, it was as if Bastian was transformed into a deadly combination of Bruce Lee, Steven Seagal, and Jean-Claude Van Damme".
NC: What, no Chuck Norris?
NC: (VO) So, yeah, the book says he uses all his karate moves to kick their asses. I have no idea how this is supposed to work. Is he writing the story? Is the sister? Is the story just writing itself? It's never explained.
NC: I have wonderful news, though: the movie's almost over.
NC: (VO) The kids go home to their parents, the other Fantasia characters get back safe, they turn The Nasties into bookworms, and I assume the librarian is gonna BURN that fucking book before it starts any more shit! I mean, Jesus, it almost destroyed the world in this one!
(As Bastian and Nicole jump in the air to high-five each other, the movie ends on a freeze frame)
Subtitle: Thanks for watching. NO REFUNDS!
NC: Phew! And we did it. We made it through The NeverEnding Story 3. One of the worst sequels of all time. (sets his head down, exhausted, then gets back up) But on the bright side, the one thing I have to look forward to through all of this, is that I get to hear that classic NeverEnding Story song again. It was in the last two movies, it is my reward for WATCHING this torture, I deserve it. So, please... play the song.
(Nope! Instead, The Rockbiter sings "Born to be Wild" over the end credits. NC first looks angry, then starts laughing hysterically. He continues to laugh as he gets up, leaves his house, gets in his car, drives to the Home Depot [in the rain, yet!], buys a crowbar, drives home, and carefully sets the DVD case on his floor)
NC: COCK-SUCKING WHORE!
(NC begins violently hitting the case and the DVD with the crowbar, smashing it to smithereens, and also spitting on them; the music playing in the background is Rosinni's The Storm from William Tell)
NC: DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE! AAGH! (presses a shard of the DVD against his crotch and dry-humps it) I'M FUCKING THE DVD! I'M FUCKING THE DVD!
(As the melee continues, NC at one point breaks down crying, before he continues to hit the case and chew on the last piece of the DVD insert, until he's just hitting the pieces with his crowbar. He gets up to look at the camera with his jacket half off and his hat off center. His glasses fall off as he gets up)
NC: (tired) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and you're watching Sequel Month. One down.
(He walks off, sighing loudly as the end credits of NeverEnding Story 3 play over the episode's ending credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Empress: We must not give in to The Nasty!