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'''NC''': (Voiceover) But that all changes here. In this film, he's '''really''' a wimp and ''kind of'' annoying. So I guess it balances out.
 
'''NC''': (Voiceover) But that all changes here. In this film, he's '''really''' a wimp and ''kind of'' annoying. So I guess it balances out.
   
NC: On top of that, it's just not that great a performance. I mean it's better than the original, but I ...
+
'''NC''': On top of that, it's just not that great a performance. I mean it's better than the original, but I ...
   
Voice: Ahem.
+
'''Voice''': Ahem.
   
 
(The Critic turns to his side to find an animated "Elephant in the Room" staring rather disappovingly at him)
 
(The Critic turns to his side to find an animated "Elephant in the Room" staring rather disappovingly at him)
   
NC: Yes.
+
'''NC''': Yes.
   
Elephant: Don't act like you don't see me.
+
'''Elephant''': Don't act like you don't see me.
   
NC: What? What're you talking about?
+
'''NC''': What? What're you talking about?
   
Elephant: You've been ignoring me since the beginning. Don't act like you don't know why I'm here.
+
'''Elephant''': You've been ignoring me since the beginning. Don't act like you don't know why I'm here.
   
NC: No, I don't. I mean, is it the Jonathan Brandis kid? I mean, what about him?
+
'''NC''': No, I don't. I mean, is it the Jonathan Brandis kid? I mean, what about him?
   
Elephant: You know he commited suicide.
+
'''Elephant''': You know he commited suicide.
   
 
(The next two lines are spoken simultaneously)
 
(The next two lines are spoken simultaneously)
   
NC: Oh, you're gonna bring that up. You're seriously going to bring that up. You know that's a little grim for a comedic review. Yeah, ever think of that? Something really mature.
+
'''NC''': Oh, you're gonna bring that up. You're seriously going to bring that up. You know that's a little grim for a comedic review. Yeah, ever think of that? Something really mature.
   
Elephant: Everybody's thinking about it. They're wondering if you're going to address it and you're just tap dancing along it like some sort of idiotic moron.
+
'''Elephant''': Everybody's thinking about it. They're wondering if you're going to address it and you're just tap dancing along it like some sort of idiotic moron.
   
NC: Ok. Ok. You know what. Fine. I'll address this.
+
'''NC''': Ok. Ok. You know what. Fine. I'll address this.
   
NC (vo): In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on SeaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always good, he usually did OK. He was a relatively decent actor.
+
'''NC''' :(vo) In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on SeaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always good, he usually did OK. He was a relatively decent actor.
   
NC: I just don't think that he did especially well in THIS movie. And it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character. He's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So, just to make it clear: I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. (To the elephant) There, is that good?
+
'''NC''': I just don't think that he did especially well in THIS movie. And it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character. He's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So, just to make it clear: I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. (To the elephant) There, is that good?
   
Elephant: ... Gee, that was awkward!
+
'''Elephant''': ... Gee, that was awkward!
   
NC: You know? Fuck you, you goddamn elephant!
+
'''NC''': You know? Fuck you, you goddamn elephant!
   
 
(Burger King joke)
 
(Burger King joke)
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''Cut back to a scene of The Neverending Story II at a pool''
 
''Cut back to a scene of The Neverending Story II at a pool''
   
NC (vo): So we see Bastian in swimming class, where... (boy passes in front of the camera) Hi, Speedo! ...where his teacher calls him... (another boy)Hi, Speedo again! ...where his teacher to come try the big board. (Bastian comes out of the pool) Hi, humorous clown shorts.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So we see Bastian in swimming class, where... (boy passes in front of the camera) Hi, Speedo! ...where his teacher calls him... (another boy)Hi, Speedo again! ...and wants him to try the big board. (Bastian comes out of the pool) Hi, humorous clown shorts.
   
Teacher: We're gonna start... with the big board.
+
'''Teacher''': We're gonna start... with the big board.
   
NC (vo): But it turns out Bastian is afraid of heights, and has trouble confronting his fears.
+
'''NC''' (vo): But it turns out Bastian is afraid of heights, and has trouble confronting his fears.
   
 
''Once Bastian's up on the diving board, he starts to visualize a raging waterfall. Cut to the NC''
 
''Once Bastian's up on the diving board, he starts to visualize a raging waterfall. Cut to the NC''
   
NC (afraid): Oooh, nobody said there was gonna be diving in diving class!
+
'''NC''' (afraid): Oooh, nobody said there was gonna be diving in diving class!
   
 
''Back to Bastian atop the board''
 
''Back to Bastian atop the board''
   
Bastian: I got a cramp!
+
'''Bastian''': I got a cramp!
   
Teacher: High wimp factor, Bastian?
+
'''Teacher''': High wimp factor, Bastian?
   
 
Bastian: Sorry, coach.
 
Bastian: Sorry, coach.
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''Cut to a scene in a kitchen''
 
''Cut to a scene in a kitchen''
   
NC (vo): So he doesn't jump off as he back home to a disappointing father, played by your standard Alan Frank impersonator.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So he doesn't jump off as he back home to a disappointing father, played by your standard Alan Frank impersonator.
   
Father: Well, the dressing is common courtesy, Bastian. Some gotta learn, by the way. Look at that rag you're wearing.
+
'''Father''': Well, the dressing is common courtesy, Bastian. Some gotta learn, by the way. Look at that rag you're wearing.
   
NC: He has a point, Bastian. You kinda look like an outworld Star Fox pilot.
+
'''NC''': He has a point, Bastian. You kinda look like an outworld Star Fox pilot.
   
Bastian: Mom made it!
+
'''Bastian''': Mom made it!
   
NC: Ouch...
+
'''NC''': Ouch...
   
 
''Elephant appears''
 
''Elephant appears''
   
Elephant: You need me again?
+
'''Elephant''': You need me again?
   
NC: No, I'm good.
+
'''NC''': No, I'm good.
   
Elephant: Hrm.
+
'''Elephant''': Hrm.
   
 
''Cut back to movie''
 
''Cut back to movie''
   
NC (vo): So Bastian goes upstairs and ponders how his relationship with his dad isn't as good as it used to be. Hey, hm, just a random question here,...
+
'''NC''' (vo): So Bastian goes upstairs and ponders how his relationship with his dad isn't as good as it used to be. Hey, hm, just a random question here,...
   
 
''Scenes of the original Neverending Story's ending are shown''
 
''Scenes of the original Neverending Story's ending are shown''
   
NC (vo): ...remember how in the last film it ended with him flying a Luckdragon chasing some bullies and exposing a never-before-seen creature before hundreds?
+
'''NC''' (vo): ...remember how in the last film it ended with him flying a Luckdragon upon the city, chasing some bullies and exposing a never-before-seen creature before hundreds?
   
 
''Cut to Part II, with scenes in the scene''
 
''Cut to Part II, with scenes in the scene''
   
NC (vo): Are we never gonna address that? Didn't make the news or anything? "Flying luckdragon eats children", that never made the front page? Surely someone must have twittered about it!
+
'''NC''' (vo): Are we just never gonna address that? Didn't make the news or anything? "Flying luckdragon eats children", that never made the front page? Surely someone must have twittered about it!
   
 
''Cut to a Twitter post by "Andrew, School Bully", reading "OH, MY GOD A FUCKING DRAGON! I SWEAR TO GOD A FUCKING DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!"''
 
''Cut to a Twitter post by "Andrew, School Bully", reading "OH, MY GOD A FUCKING DRAGON! I SWEAR TO GOD A FUCKING DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!"''
Line 145: Line 145:
 
''Cut to Part II, Bastian going to a book shop''
 
''Cut to Part II, Bastian going to a book shop''
   
NC (vo): So Bastian goes to the only returning actor in this movie, the librarian, as he's trying to find a book about how not to be a pussy.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So Bastian goes to the only returning actor in this movie, the librarian, as he's trying to find a book about how not to be a pussy.
   
 
Librarian: I'll look on my section on courage!
 
Librarian: I'll look on my section on courage!
Line 151: Line 151:
 
''A scene where Bastian finds the Neverending Story book''
 
''A scene where Bastian finds the Neverending Story book''
   
NC (vo): So he hears a voice from an old, familiar book.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So he hears a whispering voice from an old, familiar book.
   
Librarian: That book has too much on you.
+
'''Librarian''': That book has too much on you.
   
Bastian: But it's "The NeverEnding Story." I've already read it.
+
'''Bastian''': But it's "The NeverEnding Story." I've already read it.
   
Librarian:Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them.
+
'''Librarian''': Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them.
   
NC (mimicking his voice): For instance, if you read The Velveteen Rabbit again is really about NAZIS!
+
'''NC''' (mimicking his voice): For instance, if you read The Velveteen Rabbit again is really about NAZIS!
   
Bastian: I really wanna read it again!
+
'''Bastian''': I really wanna read it again!
   
Librarian: No, no, no.
+
'''Librarian''': No, no, no.
   
Bastian: Let me borrow it, please!
+
'''Bastian''': Let me borrow it, please!
   
Librarian: No, Bastian!
+
'''Librarian''': No, Bastian!
   
 
''Bastian runs away with the book. Willy Wonka saying "Stop, don't, come back" is shown before going to Bastian reading.''
 
''Bastian runs away with the book. Willy Wonka saying "Stop, don't, come back" is shown before going to Bastian reading.''
   
NC (vo): So as Bastian reads the book again, he finds it truly is a little different.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So as Bastian reads the book again, he finds it truly is a little different.
   
 
''One of the snakes in the cover comes alive and stares at Bastian''
 
''One of the snakes in the cover comes alive and stares at Bastian''
   
NC: Well, that's inviting.
+
'''NC''': Well, that's inviting.
   
 
''A scene where Bastian reaches into the cover and pulls off the AURYN.''
 
''A scene where Bastian reaches into the cover and pulls off the AURYN.''
   
NC (vo): He finds that the AURYN symbol on the cover can actually be taken off now.
+
'''NC''' (vo): He finds that the AURYN symbol on the cover can actually be taken off now.
   
 
''Bastian enters Fantasia''
 
''Bastian enters Fantasia''
NC (vo): But not only that, he can enter the fucking book!
+
'''NC''' (vo): But not only that, he can enter the fucking book!
   
Bastian: Fantasia!
+
Bastian''': Fantasia!'''
 
''Image of a Fantasia city''
 
''Image of a Fantasia city''
   
NC: Uh, just pray it's not Fantasia 2000. You know celebrity cameos will be through the roof!
+
'''NC''': Uh, just pray it's not Fantasia 2000. You know celebrity cameos will be through the roof!
   
 
''Back to the film, Bastian staring at the city''
 
''Back to the film, Bastian staring at the city''
   
NC (vo): So as Bastian admires how... modelish Fantasia looks...
+
'''NC''' (vo): So as Bastian admires how... modelish Fantasia looks...
   
 
''Cut to an underground cave''
 
''Cut to an underground cave''
NC (vo): We cut to the hideout of our villain who lives in the terryfing 'Castele Cliché'!
+
'''NC''' (vo): We cut to the hideout of our villain who lives in the terryfing 'Castele Cliché'!
   
 
''A birdman, Nimbly, is shown''
 
''A birdman, Nimbly, is shown''
   
Nimbly: I came as fast as I...
+
'''Nimbly''': I came as fast as I...
   
 
''The faceless villainess uses a spell to put a woman's face on herself''
 
''The faceless villainess uses a spell to put a woman's face on herself''
   
NC: Uh, guess she had to put her face on. (he smiles and puts his hand on his ear as boos are heard)
+
'''NC''': Uh, guess she had to put her face on. (he smiles and puts his hand on his ear as boos are heard)
   
 
''Back to the villainess''
 
''Back to the villainess''
   
NC (vo): This evil villainess is Xayide, also known as "the Emptiness". Yeah, 'cause it doesn't sound anything like "The Nothing", does it? I don't know why she looks like Jessica Rabbit while skydiving, but we know she has a diabolical plan to destroy Bastian, as well as Fantasia!
+
'''NC''' (vo): This evil villainess is Xayide, also known as "the Emptiness". Yeah, 'cause it doesn't sound anything like "The Nothing", does it? I don't know why she looks like Jessica Rabbit while skydiving, but we know she has a diabolical plan to destroy Bastian, as well as Fantasia!
   
 
''A white creature with a monocle, Tri-Face, speaks''
 
''A white creature with a monocle, Tri-Face, speaks''
   
Tri-Face: Every time the earthling uses AURYN to make a wish, my new invention makes him lose a memory! With each wish, the liquid in his head forms a memory bowl!
+
'''Tri-Face''': Every time the earthling uses AURYN to make a wish, my new invention makes him lose a memory! With each wish, the liquid in his head forms a memory bowl!
   
Nimbly: What happens when the earthling lost all of his memories?
+
'''Nimbly''': What happens when the earthling lost all of his memories?
   
Tri-Face: The beaker at the bottom is full...
+
'''Tri-Face''': The beaker at the bottom is full...
   
Xayide: ...and the Earthling's head is empty!
+
'''Xayide''': ...and the Earthling's head is empty!
   
NC: Oh, please. You can show him [[Biodome]] and have the same effect.
+
'''NC''': Oh, please. You can show him [[Biodome]] and have the same effect.
   
 
''Cut to Nimbly going after Bastian''
 
''Cut to Nimbly going after Bastian''
   
NC (vo): So Xayide sends her henchman Nimbly to greet Bastian and try to trick him into making some wishes.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So Xayide sends her henchman Nimbly to greet Bastian and try to trick him into making some wishes.
   
Nimbly: You have AURYN! It fulfills all of your wishes!
+
'''Nimbly''': You have AURYN! It fulfills all of your wishes!
   
 
''Cut to Bastian in a city''
 
''Cut to Bastian in a city''
   
NC (vo): So Bastian admires Silver City, which totally looks not like Mexico, and admires how... (two dancers pass by) weird it is.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So Bastian admires Silver City, not Mexico, and admires how... (two dancers pass by) weird it is.
   
 
''Scenes of Silver City's inhabitants''
 
''Scenes of Silver City's inhabitants''
   
Bastian: Everything seems fine in Fantasia!
+
'''Bastian''': Everything seems fine in Fantasia!
   
NC: FINE? ''Fine?'' Maybe to birdman, it seems pretty fucked up to me!
+
'''NC''': FINE? ''Fine?'' Maybe to birdman, it seems pretty fucked up to me!
 
''Cut to crab monsters attacking Bastian''
 
''Cut to crab monsters attacking Bastian''
   
NC (vo): Then Xayide sends down her pretty silly looking minions to spread chaos around town.
+
'''NC''' (vo): Then Xayide sends down her pretty silly looking minions to spread chaos around town.
   
 
''The monsters attack - while the Power Rangers theme plays and scenes of Rita Repulsa are shown''
 
''The monsters attack - while the Power Rangers theme plays and scenes of Rita Repulsa are shown''
   
Rita: So, you think you can stop me, do you? Take that! ''Rita shoots a spell, cut to a monster flying in front of Bastian, then to Rita laughing. Bastian runs and stops in front of a pool''
+
'''Rita''': So, you think you can stop me, do you? Take that! ''Rita shoots a spell, cut to a monster flying in front of Bastian, then to Rita laughing. Bastian runs and stops in front of a pool''
   
Bastian: Acid!
+
'''Bastian''': Acid!
   
Nimbly: Wish them away!
+
'''Nimbly''': Wish them away!
   
Bastian: Nimbly!
+
'''Bastian''': Nimbly!
   
NC (vo): Um, cockadouche has a point. Why don't you wish them away?
+
'''NC''' (vo): Um, cockadouche has a point. Why don't you wish them away?
   
Nimbly: Just wish!
+
'''Nimbly''': Just wish!
   
 
''Scenes of Nimbly throwing a rope at Bastian, who climbs it as a monster attacks''
 
''Scenes of Nimbly throwing a rope at Bastian, who climbs it as a monster attacks''
   
NC (vo): Uh, hi? This makes no sense. I mean, I know if he makes a wish he loses a memory. But he doesn't know that! His life is at stake! Why don't he wishes them to blow up or something?
+
'''NC''' (vo): Uh, hi? This makes no sense. I mean, I know if he makes a wish he loses a memory. But he doesn't know that! His life is at stake! Why don't he wishes them to blow up or something?
   
Bastian: I'm safe!
+
'''Bastian''': I'm safe!
   
NC(vo): And an idiot.
+
'''NC'''(vo): And an idiot.
   
 
''Bastian falls down a trapdoor''
 
''Bastian falls down a trapdoor''
   
NC (vo): So he falls down some secret chute, where he comes across... (weird creatures shown) I don't know, but they provide a way for Bastian to talk to the Childlike Empress.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So he falls down some secret chute, where he comes across... (weird creatures shown) I don't know, but they provide a way for Bastian to talk to the Childlike Empress.
   
Empress: We need your dreams and stories to exist, but the people in your world no longer believe in us. They have no time to give us names and stories.
+
'''Empress''': We need your dreams and stories to exist, but the people in your world no longer believe in us. They have no time to give us names and stories.
   
NC (childish voice): I play violent video games and reality TV.
+
'''NC''' (childish voice): I play violent video games and reality TV.
   
Empress: Only you can save us, Bastian. You are my last hope.
+
'''Empress''': Only you can save us, Bastian. You are my last hope.
   
 
''An unimpressed Critic is shown... and splats with his hand a hologram of Princess Leia saying "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope"''
 
''An unimpressed Critic is shown... and splats with his hand a hologram of Princess Leia saying "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope"''
   
NC (vo): So it turns out Bastian has not only to find evil, but also name it in order to destroy it.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So it turns out Bastian has not only to find evil, but also name it in order to destroy it.
   
Bastian: The Empress is being held prisoner, and before I can fight the force that is holding her, I must give it a name.
+
'''Bastian''': The Empress is being held prisoner, and before I can fight the force that is holding her, I must give it a name.
   
NC: Well, why don't you name it after your mother, like you did in the first movie? What was her name again?
+
'''NC''': Well, why don't you name it after your mother, like you did in the first movie? What was her name again?
   
 
''Scene of Bastian screaming her name unintelligibly into the storm from NS1''
 
''Scene of Bastian screaming her name unintelligibly into the storm from NS1''
   
NC: Yeah, call it that.
+
'''NC''': Yeah, call it that.
   
 
''Cut to Atreyu arriving at Silver City''
 
''Cut to Atreyu arriving at Silver City''
   
NC (vo): But luckily, Atreyu shows up to help Bastian on his quest. Give 'em some cred, they actually picked a Native American kid this time.
+
'''NC''' (vo): But luckily, Atreyu shows up to help Bastian on his quest. Give 'em some cred, they actually picked a Native American kid this time.
   
Atreyu: People talk about a castle that looks like a hand. Some say that's where the giants come from.
+
'''Atreyu''': People talk about a castle that looks like a hand. Some say that's where the giants come from.
   
Bastian: So that's where we should be heading!
+
'''Bastian''': So that's where we should be heading!
   
NC (as Atreyu): Just don't ask us to go through any Swamps of Despair! My horse is still manic depressive!
+
'''NC''' (as Atreyu): Just don't ask us to go through any Swamps of Despair! My horse is still manic depressive!
   
Horse (offscreen): The only point of living is dying!
+
'''Horse''' (offscreen): The only point of living is dying!
   
NC: Shut up, Artax!
+
'''NC''': Shut up, Artax!
   
 
''Cut to the movie, the AURYN shining''
 
''Cut to the movie, the AURYN shining''
   
NC (vo): So Bastian gets the brilliant idea of wishing a giant monster to go after the evil castle. But that sorta backfires.
+
'''NC''' (vo): So Bastian gets the brilliant idea of wishing a giant monster to go after the evil castle. But that sorta backfires.
   
 
''A dragon spitting fire is shown, Bastian screams''
 
''A dragon spitting fire is shown, Bastian screams''
   
NC (vo): ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER. ZUUUUL!
+
'''NC''' (vo): ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER. ZUUUUL!
   
 
''Atreyu is leaving''
 
''Atreyu is leaving''
   
Bastian: What are you gonna do?
+
'''Bastian''': What are you gonna do?
   
Atreyu: Chase him.
+
'''Atreyu''': Chase him.
   
Falkor: Did somebody say chase?
+
'''Falkor''': Did somebody say chase?
   
Bastian: Falkor!
+
'''Bastian''': Falkor!
   
NC (vo): Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon!
+
'''NC''' (vo): Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon!
   
 
''Bastian riding Falkor''
 
''Bastian riding Falkor''
   
NC (vo): So they go after the fire-breathing monstruosity as they bravely load the stock footage from the first film!
+
'''NC''' (vo): So they go after the fire-breathing monstruosity as they bravely load the stock footage from the first film!
   
 
''Scenes of Atreyu on horseback''
 
''Scenes of Atreyu on horseback''
   
NC: Hey, look! Atreyu looks a lot taller and white!
+
'''NC''': Hey, look! Atreyu looks a lot taller and white!
   
 
''Scenes of Falkor chasing the dragon''
 
''Scenes of Falkor chasing the dragon''
   
NC (vo): Hey, just an idea here... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! He makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. Then, why doesn't he wish the Memory Machine away They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds!
+
'''NC''' (vo): Hey, just an idea here... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! He makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. Then, why doesn't he wish the Memory Machine away They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds!
   
NC: Could he be just like... I wish for a gun (Gun magically appears in his hand, a ball comes out of the macine). I wish for that machine to disappear.
+
'''NC''': Could he be just like... I wish for a gun (Gun magically appears in his hand, a ball comes out of the macine). I wish for that machine to disappear.
 
'Machine disappears with a *poof*; Xayide has a sad face pasted on her
 
'Machine disappears with a *poof*; Xayide has a sad face pasted on her
   
NC: Bye! (Shoots Xayide, then dances to the film's theme song)
+
'''NC''': Bye! (Shoots Xayide, then dances to the film's theme song)
   
 
''Cut to a scene where the hand castle fires lasers at the dragon''
 
''Cut to a scene where the hand castle fires lasers at the dragon''
   
NC (vo): So the dragon is zapped by the evil castle as we come across an old familiar friend, the Rockbiter! (a baby Rockbiter appears between his legs) And... son?
+
'''NC''' (vo): So the dragon is zapped by the evil castle as we come across an old familiar friend, the Rockbiter! (a baby Rockbiter appears between his legs) And... son?
   
Rockbiter: Meet Junior!
+
'''Rockbiter''': Meet Junior!
   
NC (in Rockbiter's voice): Don't ask, like, details on how we reproduce! Let's just say I should have used rock control!
+
'''NC''' (in Rockbiter's voice): Don't ask the graphic details on how we reproduce! Let's just say I should have used rock control!
   
  +
''Cut to scene with Bastian's father and the librarian''
   
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Meanwhile, in the real world, Bastian is missing, so his father looks after him in the book store.
   
'''Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.'''
+
'''Father''': I found this book in my son's room. It has your address inside the cover.
  +
  +
'''Librarian''': (showing the inside is empty) Where?
  +
  +
'''Father''': I saw there myself, last night.
  +
  +
'''NC''': (vo, in librarian voice) Oh, greed just sells Mogwais and frogurt. Anything else isn't my department.
  +
  +
'''Librarian''': Maybe...
  +
  +
'''Father''': Where did you last seen it?
  +
  +
'''Librarian''': Maybe you'll find an explanation for your son's disappearance inside.
  +
  +
'''NC''': (in librarian voice) Inside my trunk. You'll go there and find it!
  +
  +
''Cut to scene in Fantasia''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So Atreyu meets up with Bastian as they try to find a way inside the fortress.
  +
  +
'''Atreyu''': (draws three arrows in the sand) So, that's the plan.
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Wh... Three arrows, that's your plan? Yeah, Napoleon himself couldn't come up with something better!
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': It's dangerous, but it just might work.
  +
  +
'''NC''': The second arrow looks specially dangerous.
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So they try sneaking inside the castle, where the lasers seem to be playing Missile Command, but Bastian gets caught in one of the beams.
  +
  +
''Bastian is stuck in a beam, Atreyu gets the AURYN and makes it reflect the beam, destroying the shooting structure''
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': You saved my life, Atreyu!
  +
  +
'''Atreyu''': Yes... but you would have done the same for me!
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Riiiight? ''(Bastian just gasps)'' Riiiight?
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': Sure.
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Oh my god, this kid's a dick! Is that really what you wanna say to your rescuer? If someone saved you from a burning fire would you be like...
  +
  +
'''NC''': Oh, thank you so much. Just a heads up: if you were in the same situation, being burned alive, I would probably get pizza. Nothing personal, I just can't stand your guts.
  +
  +
''Scene of the crab monsters attacking''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So the guards come out and try to stop them from entering the castle. This sounds like a job for Faberge Eggs!
  +
  +
''Bastian and Atreyu approach large colored eggs. Atreyu rolls one saying "Go". Circus music is heard in the background as radio-controlled puppets come rolling out, shooting sparks''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So while this... Mexican fiesta is going on...
  +
  +
''Scene shown with the Mexican hat dance in the background''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Bastian manages to get inside, but Atreyu is caught by the guards.
  +
  +
''Bastian tries to reach for Atreyu, who is chained up inside the castle; then a guard extends a buzzsaw, and begins to cut through Atreyu's chain''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): OK, seriously, he's not wasting a wish to save his best friend? What kind of asshole kid is that? I've seen more kindness at a skinhead rally!
  +
  +
''Atreyu and Bastian, now safe, are cornered by guards''
  +
  +
'''Atreyu''': We need weapons.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': I wish for... a spray can! (a spray can appears on his hand)
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Wh, wh, wh... a fucking spray can?! ''That's the best you can come up with?!'' What's with the imagination of this kid! I thought he was the last great dreamer or something! And all he can come up is fucking spray can?
  +
  +
'''NC''': The fantasies he brought up in Sidekicks were more impressive than this! In fact, he should just wish for Chuck Norris!
  +
  +
''A picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks is shown. A high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!". ''
  +
  +
''Scenes of Sidekicks and Neverending Story II play, with Mortal Kombat's theme in the background''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Yeah! They can turn everybody into ninjas, have a rocket battle, everybody will be awesome, it would be the coolest adventure ever! But no, we get a spray can. Honest to God, a spray can. I have no remorse for this idiot if something bad happens to him.
  +
  +
''Xayide appears''
  +
  +
'''Xayide''': I am Xayide. I admit defeat.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': So, you're the one who needs everything empty
  +
  +
'''Xayide''': I control all that is empty.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': Just to control everything, you destroy stories and books?
  +
  +
'''NC''': Sounds like the producers.
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): She tells them she can free the Childlike Empress, but only if she's closer to the tower. So they take her as prisoner to the tower, where they...
  +
  +
''Falkor with red eyes is shown''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): WHOA, what's wrong with Falkor's eyes?!
  +
  +
'''Falkor''': I am not going to carry that woman.
  +
  +
'''NC''': Was he just, like possessed by the Devil for a second?
  +
  +
'''Falkor''': ''(As Regan in The Exorcist)'' Stick your cock up her ass, you mother-fucking worthless COCK-SUCKER!
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So Bastian rides with Xayide in a... pretty stupid looking parade float... ''cut to Bastian's father in the real world'' as Bastian's dad, only to find everything's disappeared.
  +
  +
'''Cop''': Looks like there hasn't been a book store here in a long time!
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So the books literally disappeared because nobody's reading them? Come on! This isn't really as subtle as in the first movie!
  +
  +
''NC next to his NES''
  +
  +
'''NC''': That's like saying my Nintendo will disappear if I stop playing with it. ''NES starts to vanish'' No! NO! NOOO!!! NINTENDO!!!!!
  +
  +
'''NES''': (in Mario's voice) Sorry Critic, you stopped a-playing with me!
  +
  +
'''NC''': WHY, WHY?
  +
  +
'''NES''': Enjoy your PlayStation 3, cock-maggot!
  +
  +
''NC cries, then returns to the movie''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So while in Xayide stained glass trailer, she starts to convince Bastian that his friends are out to get her, and that she's the only person she can trust.
  +
  +
'''Atreyu''': How can you believe her? How can you even be sure she'll help us free the Childlike Empress?
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': I can tell if someone lies to me.
  +
  +
'''NC''': (as Bastian) I'm sure we can trust a woman who lives in a spidery castle and tried to kill us on several occasions.
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So she continues to turn Bastian against his friends, mostly because he's stupid.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': You're only jealous I have AURYN and you're trying to take it away from me!
  +
  +
'''Atreyu''': Every time you use AURYN, you lose one of your memories.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': Why don't you just go back and play with your buffalos, country boy?
  +
  +
'''NC''': (as Atreyu) Idiot wisher!
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So they both get in a fight, and Bastian throws Atreyu off the rock. You might have noticed Atreyu is a sort of shitty great warrior. But then Bastian finds out in a freaky way that everything Atreyu said was true. But unfortunadely Falkor has flown him away before Bastian can apologize. Bastian goes after him as his father discovers the book really is alive, and Bastian's life hangs in the balance.
  +
  +
'''Father''': (voiceover, reading the book) Xayide and her giants drove throught the world and into the underworld of Fantasia. There they could travel at the speed of darkness, which is faster than the speed of light.
  +
  +
''A picture of Albert Einstein says "Bullshit!"''
  +
  +
'''Father''': (voiceover, reading the book) They would find Bastian in no time, and force him to make his last wish.
  +
  +
''Nimbly flies to Bastian''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): But luckily Nimbly has a change of heart, and tells Bastian how to get back.
  +
  +
'''Nimbly''': Behind those rocks, you'll find a path through the mountains.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': Come with me.
  +
  +
'''Nimbly''': Evil spies fly away. Lose the spies through the day.
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): Yeah, I don't get it either.
  +
  +
'''Nimbly''': Bye! *flies*
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So Bastian gets to Falkor, only to discover Atreyu has little to no life left.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': I have two wishes left, Falkor.
  +
  +
'''Falkor''': You must use the precious memories.
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': My mother... and my father.
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): But wait a minute! He still has memories about Fantasia, he still has memories about how to talk! How can he be down to the last two?
  +
  +
''Bastian touches the AURYN''
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': I wish for nothing more in the world than for you to live, Atreyu!
  +
  +
''Atreyu starts to wake up''
  +
  +
'''NC''': Well, you got both wishes. Atreyu lives, but there's nothing more in the world. Good!
  +
  +
''Xayide appears''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): But then Xayide finally shows up. I guess the speed of darkness is spacelift, as the scenery is brought up with her.
  +
  +
'''Xayide''': Make your wish!
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': Yes, Xayide. I will make my last wish. I wish... for you to have a heart!
  +
  +
''Xayide looks shocked, and drops a tear''
  +
  +
'''NC''': (voiceover, as Xayide) Drat! I've been foiled by The Power of Love!
  +
  +
''Xayide explodes, taking her monsters with her''
  +
  +
''cut to the NC's room, where Ma-Ti appears''
  +
  +
'''Ma-Ti''': (thrusting his fist) HEAAAART!
  +
  +
'''NC''': No, no, it's cool.
  +
  +
'''Ma-Ti''': What?
  +
  +
'''NC''': Yeah, yeah. They got good care of her.
  +
  +
'''Ma-Ti''': Aw, man! The one time I can use this fucking thing and it doesn't do shit!
  +
  +
''Back to the movie''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So, because hearts apparently cause people to explode, the tension is brought back to normal, and the Childlike Empress is set free.
  +
  +
'''Empress''': You have found the only wish powerful enough to save us, Bastian.
  +
  +
'''NC''': (as the Empress) Apart from "I wish Fantasia was saved". (normal voice) Why didn't you do that again?
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): But Bastian still has to go home. But unfortunadely, the only door back is the ironic.
  +
  +
''Bastian stands in front of a raging waterfall''
  +
  +
'''Bastian''': (afraid) That's the way home?
  +
  +
'''Empress''': Yes, Bastian. It's the only way.
  +
  +
'''NC''': (as the Empress) There's also the tunnel of fluffy pillows, but it's being painted.
  +
  +
''Bastian jumps into the waterfall''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): So Bastian makes his leap of faith and finally returns home!
  +
  +
''Bastian hugging his father''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): The only upside is that while the credits roll, I can hear that kickass song again!
  +
  +
''Limahl's "The Neverending Story" plays while the credits roll and the Critic dances... then the song is cut''
  +
  +
'''NC''': Eh, what the hell?! You couldn't even give me the entire song?! Oh, you half-assed, make-up shit! In fact, everything about this movie is half bad!
  +
  +
''Scenes of the film play''
  +
  +
'''NC''' (VO): The story isn't interesting, the message is taken way too literally, and of course, the logic makes no sense! Why would a kid who could wish for anything wish for nothing? Yes, the powers of a god, and what does he wish for? A goddamn spray can!
  +
  +
'''NC''': This movie is bullshit, from beginning to end! But, on a happy note, I'm very satisfied that this is the very last Neverending Story movie. They never made another godawful sequel that I would have to review!
  +
  +
'''Voices''': There is a [[Neverending Story III]]! There is a Neverending Story 3!
  +
  +
''The Critic gets a remote control, and turns the music up high enough to drown out the chorus of voices''
  +
  +
'''NC''': (smiling) What? What? I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to!
  +
  +
''Walks off while the Neverending Story song plays, and the voices still talk about the third part.''
  +
  +
Ending tagline--Bastian: A spray can!
   
 
{{NCscripts}}
 
{{NCscripts}}

Revision as of 00:27, September 4, 2011

Neverending Story II

NC Neverending story II by MaroBot

Date Aired:
March 23, 2010
Running Time
19:22
Website



NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Once upon a time there was a movie called The Neverending Story, and it kicked ASS!

Neverending Story music plays with the opening and scenes from The Neverending Story

NC: (Voiceover) In my opinion it was one of the best family films ever. It had great atmosphere, creative characters, a complex story and some real legitimate drama

NC: So when I heard that there was another movie, I got excited as hell. I loved the first one and I couldn't wait to see another one. It blewed.

Neverending Story II music plays as the title is shown and then several clips

NC: (Voiceover) I mean what a cheap follow-up. For a film series that was so gripping and even challenging for younger viewers, Neverending Story II gave us a really watered-down, half-assed version of it's predecessor. What a disappointment.

NC: So, let's see why the Neverending Story should've (pause) ended.

Several clips showing the actors and characters plays

NC: (Voiceover) First of all I should point out that none of the original cast is in this movie. The characters are the same but none of the same actors played them. I guess you could argue that the actors were too old by that time but if Hermione's breasts...

Cut to picture of Emma Watson in a tight sweater from the Harry Potter series

NC: (Voiceover) ...are still in high school I'll believe any age they throw at me.

Cut to scene of Bastian in The Neverending Story II in a kitchen holding a chicken over his head that is stuck to a skewer whilst reading from a book

NC: (Voiceover) So, our first big replacement is the overly-imaginative Bastian, who's played by Jonathan Brandis.

Cut to scenes from Sidekicks

NC: (Voiceover) Yeah, you remember. The hallucinating nutball from Sidekicks. Does this kid ever play someone mentally stable?

Cut to scenes of Bastian from The Neverending Story

NC: (Voiceover) Now granted, the one downside of the first film was the actor who played Bastian. He was kind of a wimp and really annoying.

Cut back to kitchen scene from The Neverending Story II

NC: (Voiceover) But that all changes here. In this film, he's really a wimp and kind of annoying. So I guess it balances out.

NC: On top of that, it's just not that great a performance. I mean it's better than the original, but I ...

Voice: Ahem.

(The Critic turns to his side to find an animated "Elephant in the Room" staring rather disappovingly at him)

NC: Yes.

Elephant: Don't act like you don't see me.

NC: What? What're you talking about?

Elephant: You've been ignoring me since the beginning. Don't act like you don't know why I'm here.

NC: No, I don't. I mean, is it the Jonathan Brandis kid? I mean, what about him?

Elephant: You know he commited suicide.

(The next two lines are spoken simultaneously)

NC: Oh, you're gonna bring that up. You're seriously going to bring that up. You know that's a little grim for a comedic review. Yeah, ever think of that? Something really mature.

Elephant: Everybody's thinking about it. They're wondering if you're going to address it and you're just tap dancing along it like some sort of idiotic moron.

NC: Ok. Ok. You know what. Fine. I'll address this.

NC :(vo) In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on SeaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always good, he usually did OK. He was a relatively decent actor.

NC: I just don't think that he did especially well in THIS movie. And it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character. He's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So, just to make it clear: I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. (To the elephant) There, is that good?

Elephant: ... Gee, that was awkward!

NC: You know? Fuck you, you goddamn elephant!

(Burger King joke)

NC: No no no. Not that. Not that. Forget it.

Cut back to a scene of The Neverending Story II at a pool

NC (vo): So we see Bastian in swimming class, where... (boy passes in front of the camera) Hi, Speedo! ...where his teacher calls him... (another boy)Hi, Speedo again! ...and wants him to try the big board. (Bastian comes out of the pool) Hi, humorous clown shorts.

Teacher: We're gonna start... with the big board.

NC (vo): But it turns out Bastian is afraid of heights, and has trouble confronting his fears.

Once Bastian's up on the diving board, he starts to visualize a raging waterfall. Cut to the NC

NC (afraid): Oooh, nobody said there was gonna be diving in diving class!

Back to Bastian atop the board

Bastian: I got a cramp!

Teacher: High wimp factor, Bastian?

Bastian: Sorry, coach.

Cut to a scene in a kitchen

NC (vo): So he doesn't jump off as he back home to a disappointing father, played by your standard Alan Frank impersonator.

Father: Well, the dressing is common courtesy, Bastian. Some gotta learn, by the way. Look at that rag you're wearing.

NC: He has a point, Bastian. You kinda look like an outworld Star Fox pilot.

Bastian: Mom made it!

NC: Ouch...

Elephant appears

Elephant: You need me again?

NC: No, I'm good.

Elephant: Hrm.

Cut back to movie

NC (vo): So Bastian goes upstairs and ponders how his relationship with his dad isn't as good as it used to be. Hey, hm, just a random question here,...

Scenes of the original Neverending Story's ending are shown

NC (vo): ...remember how in the last film it ended with him flying a Luckdragon upon the city, chasing some bullies and exposing a never-before-seen creature before hundreds?

Cut to Part II, with scenes in the scene

NC (vo): Are we just never gonna address that? Didn't make the news or anything? "Flying luckdragon eats children", that never made the front page? Surely someone must have twittered about it!

Cut to a Twitter post by "Andrew, School Bully", reading "OH, MY GOD A FUCKING DRAGON! I SWEAR TO GOD A FUCKING DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!"

Cut to Part II, Bastian going to a book shop

NC (vo): So Bastian goes to the only returning actor in this movie, the librarian, as he's trying to find a book about how not to be a pussy.

Librarian: I'll look on my section on courage!

A scene where Bastian finds the Neverending Story book

NC (vo): So he hears a whispering voice from an old, familiar book.

Librarian: That book has too much on you.

Bastian: But it's "The NeverEnding Story." I've already read it.

Librarian: Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them.

NC (mimicking his voice): For instance, if you read The Velveteen Rabbit again is really about NAZIS!

Bastian: I really wanna read it again!

Librarian: No, no, no.

Bastian: Let me borrow it, please!

Librarian: No, Bastian!

Bastian runs away with the book. Willy Wonka saying "Stop, don't, come back" is shown before going to Bastian reading.

NC (vo): So as Bastian reads the book again, he finds it truly is a little different.

One of the snakes in the cover comes alive and stares at Bastian

NC: Well, that's inviting.

A scene where Bastian reaches into the cover and pulls off the AURYN.

NC (vo): He finds that the AURYN symbol on the cover can actually be taken off now.

Bastian enters Fantasia NC (vo): But not only that, he can enter the fucking book!

Bastian: Fantasia! Image of a Fantasia city

NC: Uh, just pray it's not Fantasia 2000. You know celebrity cameos will be through the roof!

Back to the film, Bastian staring at the city

NC (vo): So as Bastian admires how... modelish Fantasia looks...

Cut to an underground cave NC (vo): We cut to the hideout of our villain who lives in the terryfing 'Castele Cliché'!

A birdman, Nimbly, is shown

Nimbly: I came as fast as I...

The faceless villainess uses a spell to put a woman's face on herself

NC: Uh, guess she had to put her face on. (he smiles and puts his hand on his ear as boos are heard)

Back to the villainess

NC (vo): This evil villainess is Xayide, also known as "the Emptiness". Yeah, 'cause it doesn't sound anything like "The Nothing", does it? I don't know why she looks like Jessica Rabbit while skydiving, but we know she has a diabolical plan to destroy Bastian, as well as Fantasia!

A white creature with a monocle, Tri-Face, speaks

Tri-Face: Every time the earthling uses AURYN to make a wish, my new invention makes him lose a memory! With each wish, the liquid in his head forms a memory bowl!

Nimbly: What happens when the earthling lost all of his memories?

Tri-Face: The beaker at the bottom is full...

Xayide: ...and the Earthling's head is empty!

NC: Oh, please. You can show him Biodome and have the same effect.

Cut to Nimbly going after Bastian

NC (vo): So Xayide sends her henchman Nimbly to greet Bastian and try to trick him into making some wishes.

Nimbly: You have AURYN! It fulfills all of your wishes!

Cut to Bastian in a city

NC (vo): So Bastian admires Silver City, not Mexico, and admires how... (two dancers pass by) weird it is.

Scenes of Silver City's inhabitants

Bastian: Everything seems fine in Fantasia!

NC: FINE? Fine? Maybe to birdman, it seems pretty fucked up to me! Cut to crab monsters attacking Bastian

NC (vo): Then Xayide sends down her pretty silly looking minions to spread chaos around town.

The monsters attack - while the Power Rangers theme plays and scenes of Rita Repulsa are shown

Rita: So, you think you can stop me, do you? Take that! Rita shoots a spell, cut to a monster flying in front of Bastian, then to Rita laughing. Bastian runs and stops in front of a pool

Bastian: Acid!

Nimbly: Wish them away!

Bastian: Nimbly!

NC (vo): Um, cockadouche has a point. Why don't you wish them away?

Nimbly: Just wish!

Scenes of Nimbly throwing a rope at Bastian, who climbs it as a monster attacks

NC (vo): Uh, hi? This makes no sense. I mean, I know if he makes a wish he loses a memory. But he doesn't know that! His life is at stake! Why don't he wishes them to blow up or something?

Bastian: I'm safe!

NC(vo): And an idiot.

Bastian falls down a trapdoor

NC (vo): So he falls down some secret chute, where he comes across... (weird creatures shown) I don't know, but they provide a way for Bastian to talk to the Childlike Empress.

Empress: We need your dreams and stories to exist, but the people in your world no longer believe in us. They have no time to give us names and stories.

NC (childish voice): I play violent video games and reality TV.

Empress: Only you can save us, Bastian. You are my last hope.

An unimpressed Critic is shown... and splats with his hand a hologram of Princess Leia saying "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope"

NC (vo): So it turns out Bastian has not only to find evil, but also name it in order to destroy it.

Bastian: The Empress is being held prisoner, and before I can fight the force that is holding her, I must give it a name.

NC: Well, why don't you name it after your mother, like you did in the first movie? What was her name again?

Scene of Bastian screaming her name unintelligibly into the storm from NS1

NC: Yeah, call it that.

Cut to Atreyu arriving at Silver City

NC (vo): But luckily, Atreyu shows up to help Bastian on his quest. Give 'em some cred, they actually picked a Native American kid this time.

Atreyu: People talk about a castle that looks like a hand. Some say that's where the giants come from.

Bastian: So that's where we should be heading!

NC (as Atreyu): Just don't ask us to go through any Swamps of Despair! My horse is still manic depressive!

Horse (offscreen): The only point of living is dying!

NC: Shut up, Artax!

Cut to the movie, the AURYN shining

NC (vo): So Bastian gets the brilliant idea of wishing a giant monster to go after the evil castle. But that sorta backfires.

A dragon spitting fire is shown, Bastian screams

NC (vo): ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER. ZUUUUL!

Atreyu is leaving

Bastian: What are you gonna do?

Atreyu: Chase him.

Falkor: Did somebody say chase?

Bastian: Falkor!

NC (vo): Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon!

Bastian riding Falkor

NC (vo): So they go after the fire-breathing monstruosity as they bravely load the stock footage from the first film!

Scenes of Atreyu on horseback

NC: Hey, look! Atreyu looks a lot taller and white!

Scenes of Falkor chasing the dragon

NC (vo): Hey, just an idea here... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! He makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. Then, why doesn't he wish the Memory Machine away They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds!

NC: Could he be just like... I wish for a gun (Gun magically appears in his hand, a ball comes out of the macine). I wish for that machine to disappear. 'Machine disappears with a *poof*; Xayide has a sad face pasted on her

NC: Bye! (Shoots Xayide, then dances to the film's theme song)

Cut to a scene where the hand castle fires lasers at the dragon

NC (vo): So the dragon is zapped by the evil castle as we come across an old familiar friend, the Rockbiter! (a baby Rockbiter appears between his legs) And... son?

Rockbiter: Meet Junior!

NC (in Rockbiter's voice): Don't ask the graphic details on how we reproduce! Let's just say I should have used rock control!

Cut to scene with Bastian's father and the librarian

NC (VO): Meanwhile, in the real world, Bastian is missing, so his father looks after him in the book store.

Father: I found this book in my son's room. It has your address inside the cover.

Librarian: (showing the inside is empty) Where?

Father: I saw there myself, last night.

NC: (vo, in librarian voice) Oh, greed just sells Mogwais and frogurt. Anything else isn't my department.

Librarian: Maybe...

Father: Where did you last seen it?

Librarian: Maybe you'll find an explanation for your son's disappearance inside.

NC: (in librarian voice) Inside my trunk. You'll go there and find it!

Cut to scene in Fantasia

NC (VO): So Atreyu meets up with Bastian as they try to find a way inside the fortress.

Atreyu: (draws three arrows in the sand) So, that's the plan.

NC (VO): Wh... Three arrows, that's your plan? Yeah, Napoleon himself couldn't come up with something better!

Bastian: It's dangerous, but it just might work.

NC: The second arrow looks specially dangerous.

NC (VO): So they try sneaking inside the castle, where the lasers seem to be playing Missile Command, but Bastian gets caught in one of the beams.

Bastian is stuck in a beam, Atreyu gets the AURYN and makes it reflect the beam, destroying the shooting structure

Bastian: You saved my life, Atreyu!

Atreyu: Yes... but you would have done the same for me!

NC (VO): Riiiight? (Bastian just gasps) Riiiight?

Bastian: Sure.

NC (VO): Oh my god, this kid's a dick! Is that really what you wanna say to your rescuer? If someone saved you from a burning fire would you be like...

NC: Oh, thank you so much. Just a heads up: if you were in the same situation, being burned alive, I would probably get pizza. Nothing personal, I just can't stand your guts.

Scene of the crab monsters attacking

NC (VO): So the guards come out and try to stop them from entering the castle. This sounds like a job for Faberge Eggs!

Bastian and Atreyu approach large colored eggs. Atreyu rolls one saying "Go". Circus music is heard in the background as radio-controlled puppets come rolling out, shooting sparks

NC (VO): So while this... Mexican fiesta is going on...

Scene shown with the Mexican hat dance in the background

NC (VO): Bastian manages to get inside, but Atreyu is caught by the guards.

Bastian tries to reach for Atreyu, who is chained up inside the castle; then a guard extends a buzzsaw, and begins to cut through Atreyu's chain

NC (VO): OK, seriously, he's not wasting a wish to save his best friend? What kind of asshole kid is that? I've seen more kindness at a skinhead rally!

Atreyu and Bastian, now safe, are cornered by guards

Atreyu: We need weapons.

Bastian: I wish for... a spray can! (a spray can appears on his hand)

NC (VO): Wh, wh, wh... a fucking spray can?! That's the best you can come up with?! What's with the imagination of this kid! I thought he was the last great dreamer or something! And all he can come up is fucking spray can?

NC: The fantasies he brought up in Sidekicks were more impressive than this! In fact, he should just wish for Chuck Norris!

A picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks is shown. A high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music "CHUCKNORRIIIIIIIIIIS!".

Scenes of Sidekicks and Neverending Story II play, with Mortal Kombat's theme in the background

NC (VO): Yeah! They can turn everybody into ninjas, have a rocket battle, everybody will be awesome, it would be the coolest adventure ever! But no, we get a spray can. Honest to God, a spray can. I have no remorse for this idiot if something bad happens to him.

Xayide appears

Xayide: I am Xayide. I admit defeat.

Bastian: So, you're the one who needs everything empty

Xayide: I control all that is empty.

Bastian: Just to control everything, you destroy stories and books?

NC: Sounds like the producers.

NC (VO): She tells them she can free the Childlike Empress, but only if she's closer to the tower. So they take her as prisoner to the tower, where they...

Falkor with red eyes is shown

NC (VO): WHOA, what's wrong with Falkor's eyes?!

Falkor: I am not going to carry that woman.

NC: Was he just, like possessed by the Devil for a second?

Falkor: (As Regan in The Exorcist) Stick your cock up her ass, you mother-fucking worthless COCK-SUCKER!

NC (VO): So Bastian rides with Xayide in a... pretty stupid looking parade float... cut to Bastian's father in the real world as Bastian's dad, only to find everything's disappeared.

Cop: Looks like there hasn't been a book store here in a long time!

NC (VO): So the books literally disappeared because nobody's reading them? Come on! This isn't really as subtle as in the first movie!

NC next to his NES

NC: That's like saying my Nintendo will disappear if I stop playing with it. NES starts to vanish No! NO! NOOO!!! NINTENDO!!!!!

NES: (in Mario's voice) Sorry Critic, you stopped a-playing with me!

NC: WHY, WHY?

NES: Enjoy your PlayStation 3, cock-maggot!

NC cries, then returns to the movie

NC (VO): So while in Xayide stained glass trailer, she starts to convince Bastian that his friends are out to get her, and that she's the only person she can trust.

Atreyu: How can you believe her? How can you even be sure she'll help us free the Childlike Empress?

Bastian: I can tell if someone lies to me.

NC: (as Bastian) I'm sure we can trust a woman who lives in a spidery castle and tried to kill us on several occasions.

NC (VO): So she continues to turn Bastian against his friends, mostly because he's stupid.

Bastian: You're only jealous I have AURYN and you're trying to take it away from me!

Atreyu: Every time you use AURYN, you lose one of your memories.

Bastian: Why don't you just go back and play with your buffalos, country boy?

NC: (as Atreyu) Idiot wisher!

NC (VO): So they both get in a fight, and Bastian throws Atreyu off the rock. You might have noticed Atreyu is a sort of shitty great warrior. But then Bastian finds out in a freaky way that everything Atreyu said was true. But unfortunadely Falkor has flown him away before Bastian can apologize. Bastian goes after him as his father discovers the book really is alive, and Bastian's life hangs in the balance.

Father: (voiceover, reading the book) Xayide and her giants drove throught the world and into the underworld of Fantasia. There they could travel at the speed of darkness, which is faster than the speed of light.

A picture of Albert Einstein says "Bullshit!"

Father: (voiceover, reading the book) They would find Bastian in no time, and force him to make his last wish.

Nimbly flies to Bastian

NC (VO): But luckily Nimbly has a change of heart, and tells Bastian how to get back.

Nimbly: Behind those rocks, you'll find a path through the mountains.

Bastian: Come with me.

Nimbly: Evil spies fly away. Lose the spies through the day.

NC (VO): Yeah, I don't get it either.

Nimbly: Bye! *flies*

NC (VO): So Bastian gets to Falkor, only to discover Atreyu has little to no life left.

Bastian: I have two wishes left, Falkor.

Falkor: You must use the precious memories.

Bastian: My mother... and my father.

NC (VO): But wait a minute! He still has memories about Fantasia, he still has memories about how to talk! How can he be down to the last two?

Bastian touches the AURYN

Bastian: I wish for nothing more in the world than for you to live, Atreyu!

Atreyu starts to wake up

NC: Well, you got both wishes. Atreyu lives, but there's nothing more in the world. Good!

Xayide appears

NC (VO): But then Xayide finally shows up. I guess the speed of darkness is spacelift, as the scenery is brought up with her.

Xayide: Make your wish!

Bastian: Yes, Xayide. I will make my last wish. I wish... for you to have a heart!

Xayide looks shocked, and drops a tear

NC: (voiceover, as Xayide) Drat! I've been foiled by The Power of Love!

Xayide explodes, taking her monsters with her

cut to the NC's room, where Ma-Ti appears

Ma-Ti: (thrusting his fist) HEAAAART!

NC: No, no, it's cool.

Ma-Ti: What?

NC: Yeah, yeah. They got good care of her.

Ma-Ti: Aw, man! The one time I can use this fucking thing and it doesn't do shit!

Back to the movie

NC (VO): So, because hearts apparently cause people to explode, the tension is brought back to normal, and the Childlike Empress is set free.

Empress: You have found the only wish powerful enough to save us, Bastian.

NC: (as the Empress) Apart from "I wish Fantasia was saved". (normal voice) Why didn't you do that again?

NC (VO): But Bastian still has to go home. But unfortunadely, the only door back is the ironic.

Bastian stands in front of a raging waterfall

Bastian: (afraid) That's the way home?

Empress: Yes, Bastian. It's the only way.

NC: (as the Empress) There's also the tunnel of fluffy pillows, but it's being painted.

Bastian jumps into the waterfall

NC (VO): So Bastian makes his leap of faith and finally returns home!

Bastian hugging his father

NC (VO): The only upside is that while the credits roll, I can hear that kickass song again!

Limahl's "The Neverending Story" plays while the credits roll and the Critic dances... then the song is cut

NC: Eh, what the hell?! You couldn't even give me the entire song?! Oh, you half-assed, make-up shit! In fact, everything about this movie is half bad!

Scenes of the film play

NC (VO): The story isn't interesting, the message is taken way too literally, and of course, the logic makes no sense! Why would a kid who could wish for anything wish for nothing? Yes, the powers of a god, and what does he wish for? A goddamn spray can!

NC: This movie is bullshit, from beginning to end! But, on a happy note, I'm very satisfied that this is the very last Neverending Story movie. They never made another godawful sequel that I would have to review!

Voices: There is a Neverending Story III! There is a Neverending Story 3!

The Critic gets a remote control, and turns the music up high enough to drown out the chorus of voices

NC: (smiling) What? What? I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to!

Walks off while the Neverending Story song plays, and the voices still talk about the third part.

Ending tagline--Bastian: A spray can!

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