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NC: No no no. Not that. Not that. Forget it.
 
NC: No no no. Not that. Not that. Forget it.
   
  +
''Cut back to a scene of The Neverending Story II at a pool''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So we see Bastian in swimming class, where... (boy passes in front of the camera) Hi, Speedo! ...where his teacher calls him... (another boy)Hi, Speedo again! ...where his teacher to come try the big board. (Bastian comes out of the pool) Hi, humorous clown shorts.
  +
  +
Teacher: We're gonna start... with the big board.
  +
  +
NC (vo): But it turns out Bastian is afraid of heights, and has trouble confronting his fears.
  +
  +
''Once Bastian's up on the diving board, he starts to visualize a raging waterfall. Cut to the NC''
  +
  +
NC (afraid): Oooh, nobody said there was gonna be diving in diving class!
  +
  +
''Back to Bastian atop the board''
  +
  +
Bastian: I got a cramp!
  +
  +
Teacher: High wimp factor, Bastian?
  +
  +
Bastian: Sorry, coach.
  +
  +
''Cut to a scene in a kitchen''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So he doesn't jump off as he back home to a disappointing father, played by your standard Alan Frank impersonator.
  +
  +
Father: Well, the dressing is common courtesy, Bastian. Some gotta learn, by the way. Look at that rag you're wearing.
  +
  +
NC: He has a point, Bastian. You kinda look like an outworld Star Fox pilot.
  +
  +
Bastian: Mom made it!
  +
  +
NC: Ouch...
  +
  +
''Elephant appears''
  +
  +
Elephant: You need me again?
  +
  +
NC: No, I'm good.
  +
  +
Elephant: Hrm.
  +
  +
''Cut back to movie''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So Bastian goes upstairs and ponders how his relationship with his dad isn't as good as it used to be. Hey, hm, just a random question here,...
  +
  +
''Scenes of the original Neverending Story's ending are shown''
  +
  +
NC (vo): ...remember how in the last film it ended with him flying a Luckdragon chasing some bullies and exposing a never-before-seen creature before hundreds?
  +
  +
''Cut to Part II, with scenes in the scene''
  +
  +
NC (vo): Are we never gonna address that? Didn't make the news or anything? "Flying luckdragon eats children", that never made the front page? Surely someone must have twittered about it!
  +
  +
''Cut to a Twitter post by "Andrew, School Bully", reading "OH, MY GOD A FUCKING DRAGON! I SWEAR TO GOD A FUCKING DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!"''
  +
  +
''Cut to Part II, Bastian going to a book shop''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So Bastian goes to the only returning actor in this movie, the librarian, as he's trying to find a book about how not to be a pussy.
  +
  +
Librarian: I'll look on my section on courage!
  +
  +
''A scene where Bastian finds the Neverending Story book''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So he hears a voice from an old, familiar book.
  +
  +
Librarian: That book has too much on you.
  +
  +
Bastian: But it's "The NeverEnding Story." I've already read it.
  +
  +
Librarian:Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them.
  +
  +
NC (mimicking his voice): For instance, if you read The Velveteen Rabbit again is really about NAZIS!
  +
  +
Bastian: I really wanna read it again!
  +
  +
Librarian: No, no, no.
  +
  +
Bastian: Let me borrow it, please!
  +
  +
Librarian: No, Bastian!
  +
  +
''Bastian runs away with the book. Willy Wonka saying "Stop, don't, come back" is shown before going to Bastian reading.''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So as Bastian reads the book again, he finds it truly is a little different.
  +
  +
''One of the snakes in the cover comes alive and stares at Bastian''
  +
  +
NC: Well, that's inviting.
  +
  +
''A scene where Bastian reaches into the cover and pulls off the AURYN.''
  +
  +
NC (vo): He finds that the AURYN symbol on the cover can actually be taken off now.
  +
  +
''Bastian enters Fantasia''
  +
NC (vo): But not only that, he can enter the fucking book!
  +
  +
Bastian: Fantasia!
  +
''Image of a Fantasia city''
  +
  +
NC: Uh, just pray it's not Fantasia 2000. You know celebrity cameos will be through the roof!
  +
  +
''Back to the film, Bastian staring at the city''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So as Bastian admires how... modelish Fantasia looks...
  +
  +
''Cut to an underground cave''
  +
NC (vo): We cut to the hideout of our villain who lives in the terryfing 'Castele Cliché'!
  +
  +
''A birdman, Nimbly, is shown''
  +
  +
Nimbly: I came as fast as I...
  +
  +
''The faceless villainess uses a spell to put a woman's face on herself''
  +
  +
NC: Uh, guess she had to put her face on. (he smiles and puts his hand on his ear as boos are heard)
  +
  +
''Back to the villainess''
  +
  +
NC (vo): This evil villainess is Xayide, also known as "the Emptiness". Yeah, 'cause it doesn't sound anything like "The Nothing", does it? I don't know why she looks like Jessica Rabbit while skydiving, but we know she has a diabolical plan to destroy Bastian, as well as Fantasia!
  +
  +
''A white creature with a monocle, Tri-Face, speaks''
  +
  +
Tri-Face: Every time the earthling uses AURYN to make a wish, my new invention makes him lose a memory! With each wish, the liquid in his head forms a memory bowl!
  +
  +
Nimbly: What happens when the earthling lost all of his memories?
  +
  +
Tri-Face: The beaker at the bottom is full...
  +
  +
Xayide: ...and the Earthling's head is empty!
  +
  +
NC: Oh, please. You can show him [[Biodome]] and have the same effect.
  +
  +
''Cut to Nimbly going after Bastian''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So Xayide sends her henchman Nimbly to greet Bastian and try to trick him into making some wishes.
  +
  +
Nimbly: You have AURYN! It fulfills all of your wishes!
  +
  +
''Cut to Bastian in a city''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So Bastian admires Silver City, which totally looks not like Mexico, and admires how... (two dancers pass by) weird it is.
  +
  +
''Scenes of Silver City's inhabitants''
  +
  +
Bastian: Everything seems fine in Fantasia!
  +
  +
NC: FINE? ''Fine?'' Maybe to birdman, it seems pretty fucked up to me!
  +
''Cut to crab monsters attacking Bastian''
  +
  +
NC (vo): Then Xayide sends down her pretty silly looking minions to spread chaos around town.
  +
  +
''The monsters attack - while the Power Rangers theme plays and scenes of Rita Repulsa are shown''
  +
  +
Rita: So, you think you can stop me, do you? Take that! ''Rita shoots a spell, cut to a monster flying in front of Bastian, then to Rita laughing. Bastian runs and stops in front of a pool''
  +
  +
Bastian: Acid!
  +
  +
Nimbly: Wish them away!
  +
  +
Bastian: Nimbly!
  +
  +
NC (vo): Um, cockadouche has a point. Why don't you wish them away?
  +
  +
Nimbly: Just wish!
  +
  +
''Scenes of Nimbly throwing a rope at Bastian, who climbs it as a monster attacks''
  +
  +
NC (vo): Uh, hi? This makes no sense. I mean, I know if he makes a wish he loses a memory. But he doesn't know that! His life is at stake! Why don't he wishes them to blow up or something?
  +
  +
Bastian: I'm safe!
  +
  +
NC(vo): And an idiot.
  +
  +
''Bastian falls down a trapdoor''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So he falls down some secret chute, where he comes across... (weird creatures shown) I don't know, but they provide a way for Bastian to talk to the Childlike Empress.
  +
  +
Empress: We need your dreams and stories to exist, but the people in your world no longer believe in us. They have no time to give us names and stories.
  +
  +
NC (childish voice): I play violent video games and reality TV.
  +
  +
Empress: Only you can save us, Bastian. You are my last hope.
  +
  +
''An unimpressed Critic is shown... and splats with his hand a hologram of Princess Leia saying "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope"''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So it turns out Bastian has not only to find evil, but also name it in order to destroy it.
  +
  +
Bastian: The Empress is being held prisoner, and before I can fight the force that is holding her, I must give it a name.
  +
  +
NC: Well, why don't you name it after your mother, like you did in the first movie? What was her name again?
  +
  +
''Scene of Bastian screaming her name unintelligibly into the storm from NS1''
  +
  +
NC: Yeah, call it that.
  +
  +
''Cut to Atreyu arriving at Silver City''
  +
  +
NC (vo): But luckily, Atreyu shows up to help Bastian on his quest. Give 'em some cred, they actually picked a Native American kid this time.
  +
  +
Atreyu: People talk about a castle that looks like a hand. Some say that's where the giants come from.
  +
  +
Bastian: So that's where we should be heading!
  +
  +
NC (as Atreyu): Just don't ask us to go through any Swamps of Despair! My horse is still manic depressive!
  +
  +
Horse (offscreen): The only point of living is dying!
  +
  +
NC: Shut up, Artax!
  +
  +
''Cut to the movie, the AURYN shining''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So Bastian gets the brilliant idea of wishing a giant monster to go after the evil castle. But that sorta backfires.
  +
  +
''A dragon spitting fire is shown, Bastian screams''
  +
  +
NC (vo): ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER. ZUUUUL!
  +
  +
''Atreyu is leaving''
  +
  +
Bastian: What are you gonna do?
  +
  +
Atreyu: Chase him.
  +
  +
Falkor: Did somebody say chase?
  +
  +
Bastian: Falkor!
  +
  +
NC (vo): Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon!
  +
  +
''Bastian riding Falkor''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So they go after the fire-breathing monstruosity as they bravely load the stock footage from the first film!
  +
  +
''Scenes of Atreyu on horseback''
  +
  +
NC: Hey, look! Atreyu looks a lot taller and white!
  +
  +
''Scenes of Falkor chasing the dragon''
  +
  +
NC (vo): Hey, just an idea here... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! He makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. Then, why doesn't he wish the Memory Machine away They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds!
  +
  +
NC: Could he be just like... I wish for a gun (Gun magically appears in his hand, a ball comes out of the macine). I wish for that machine to disappear.
  +
'Machine disappears with a *poof*; Xayide has a sad face pasted on her
  +
  +
NC: Bye! (Shoots Xayide, then dances to the film's theme song)
  +
  +
''Cut to a scene where the hand castle fires lasers at the dragon''
  +
  +
NC (vo): So the dragon is zapped by the evil castle as we come across an old familiar friend, the Rockbiter! (a baby Rockbiter appears between his legs) And... son?
  +
  +
Rockbiter: Meet Junior!
  +
  +
NC (in Rockbiter's voice): Don't ask, like, details on how we reproduce! Let's just say I should have used rock control!
   
   

Revision as of 03:46, September 2, 2011

Neverending Story II

NC Neverending story II by MaroBot

Date Aired:
March 23, 2010
Running Time
19:22
Website



NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Once upon a time there was a movie called The Neverending Story, and it kicked ASS!

Neverending Story music plays with the opening and scenes from The Neverending Story

NC: (Voiceover) In my opinion it was one of the best family films ever. It had great atmosphere, creative characters, a complex story and some real legitimate drama

NC: So when I heard that there was another movie, I got excited as hell. I loved the first one and I couldn't wait to see another one. It blewed.

Neverending Story II music plays as the title is shown and then several clips

NC: (Voiceover) I mean what a cheap follow-up. For a film series that was so gripping and even challenging for younger viewers, Neverending Story II gave us a really watered-down, half-assed version of it's predecessor. What a disappointment.

NC: So, let's see why the Neverending Story should've (pause) ended.

Several clips showing the actors and characters plays

NC: (Voiceover) First of all I should point out that none of the original cast is in this movie. The characters are the same but none of the same actors played them. I guess you could argue that the actors were too old by that time but if Hermione's breasts...

Cut to picture of Emma Watson in a tight sweater from the Harry Potter series

NC: (Voiceover) ...are still in high school I'll believe any age they throw at me.

Cut to scene of Bastian in The Neverending Story II in a kitchen holding a chicken over his head that is stuck to a skewer whilst reading from a book

NC: (Voiceover) So, our first big replacement is the overly-imaginative Bastian, who's played by Jonathan Brandis.

Cut to scenes from Sidekicks

NC: (Voiceover) Yeah, you remember. The hallucinating nutball from Sidekicks. Does this kid ever play someone mentally stable?

Cut to scenes of Bastian from The Neverending Story

NC: (Voiceover) Now granted, the one downside of the first film was the actor who played Bastian. He was kind of a wimp and really annoying.

Cut back to kitchen scene from The Neverending Story II

NC: (Voiceover) But that all changes here. In this film, he's really a wimp and kind of annoying. So I guess it balances out.

NC: On top of that, it's just not that great a performance. I mean it's better than the original, but I ...

Voice: Ahem.

(The Critic turns to his side to find an animated "Elephant in the Room" staring rather disappovingly at him)

NC: Yes.

Elephant: Don't act like you don't see me.

NC: What? What're you talking about?

Elephant: You've been ignoring me since the beginning. Don't act like you don't know why I'm here.

NC: No, I don't. I mean, is it the Jonathan Brandis kid? I mean, what about him?

Elephant: You know he commited suicide.

(The next two lines are spoken simultaneously)

NC: Oh, you're gonna bring that up. You're seriously going to bring that up. You know that's a little grim for a comedic review. Yeah, ever think of that? Something really mature.

Elephant: Everybody's thinking about it. They're wondering if you're going to address it and you're just tap dancing along it like some sort of idiotic moron.

NC: Ok. Ok. You know what. Fine. I'll address this.

NC (vo): In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on SeaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always good, he usually did OK. He was a relatively decent actor.

NC: I just don't think that he did especially well in THIS movie. And it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character. He's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So, just to make it clear: I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. (To the elephant) There, is that good?

Elephant: ... Gee, that was awkward!

NC: You know? Fuck you, you goddamn elephant!

(Burger King joke)

NC: No no no. Not that. Not that. Forget it.

Cut back to a scene of The Neverending Story II at a pool

NC (vo): So we see Bastian in swimming class, where... (boy passes in front of the camera) Hi, Speedo! ...where his teacher calls him... (another boy)Hi, Speedo again! ...where his teacher to come try the big board. (Bastian comes out of the pool) Hi, humorous clown shorts.

Teacher: We're gonna start... with the big board.

NC (vo): But it turns out Bastian is afraid of heights, and has trouble confronting his fears.

Once Bastian's up on the diving board, he starts to visualize a raging waterfall. Cut to the NC

NC (afraid): Oooh, nobody said there was gonna be diving in diving class!

Back to Bastian atop the board

Bastian: I got a cramp!

Teacher: High wimp factor, Bastian?

Bastian: Sorry, coach.

Cut to a scene in a kitchen

NC (vo): So he doesn't jump off as he back home to a disappointing father, played by your standard Alan Frank impersonator.

Father: Well, the dressing is common courtesy, Bastian. Some gotta learn, by the way. Look at that rag you're wearing.

NC: He has a point, Bastian. You kinda look like an outworld Star Fox pilot.

Bastian: Mom made it!

NC: Ouch...

Elephant appears

Elephant: You need me again?

NC: No, I'm good.

Elephant: Hrm.

Cut back to movie

NC (vo): So Bastian goes upstairs and ponders how his relationship with his dad isn't as good as it used to be. Hey, hm, just a random question here,...

Scenes of the original Neverending Story's ending are shown

NC (vo): ...remember how in the last film it ended with him flying a Luckdragon chasing some bullies and exposing a never-before-seen creature before hundreds?

Cut to Part II, with scenes in the scene

NC (vo): Are we never gonna address that? Didn't make the news or anything? "Flying luckdragon eats children", that never made the front page? Surely someone must have twittered about it!

Cut to a Twitter post by "Andrew, School Bully", reading "OH, MY GOD A FUCKING DRAGON! I SWEAR TO GOD A FUCKING DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!"

Cut to Part II, Bastian going to a book shop

NC (vo): So Bastian goes to the only returning actor in this movie, the librarian, as he's trying to find a book about how not to be a pussy.

Librarian: I'll look on my section on courage!

A scene where Bastian finds the Neverending Story book

NC (vo): So he hears a voice from an old, familiar book.

Librarian: That book has too much on you.

Bastian: But it's "The NeverEnding Story." I've already read it.

Librarian:Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them.

NC (mimicking his voice): For instance, if you read The Velveteen Rabbit again is really about NAZIS!

Bastian: I really wanna read it again!

Librarian: No, no, no.

Bastian: Let me borrow it, please!

Librarian: No, Bastian!

Bastian runs away with the book. Willy Wonka saying "Stop, don't, come back" is shown before going to Bastian reading.

NC (vo): So as Bastian reads the book again, he finds it truly is a little different.

One of the snakes in the cover comes alive and stares at Bastian

NC: Well, that's inviting.

A scene where Bastian reaches into the cover and pulls off the AURYN.

NC (vo): He finds that the AURYN symbol on the cover can actually be taken off now.

Bastian enters Fantasia NC (vo): But not only that, he can enter the fucking book!

Bastian: Fantasia! Image of a Fantasia city

NC: Uh, just pray it's not Fantasia 2000. You know celebrity cameos will be through the roof!

Back to the film, Bastian staring at the city

NC (vo): So as Bastian admires how... modelish Fantasia looks...

Cut to an underground cave NC (vo): We cut to the hideout of our villain who lives in the terryfing 'Castele Cliché'!

A birdman, Nimbly, is shown

Nimbly: I came as fast as I...

The faceless villainess uses a spell to put a woman's face on herself

NC: Uh, guess she had to put her face on. (he smiles and puts his hand on his ear as boos are heard)

Back to the villainess

NC (vo): This evil villainess is Xayide, also known as "the Emptiness". Yeah, 'cause it doesn't sound anything like "The Nothing", does it? I don't know why she looks like Jessica Rabbit while skydiving, but we know she has a diabolical plan to destroy Bastian, as well as Fantasia!

A white creature with a monocle, Tri-Face, speaks

Tri-Face: Every time the earthling uses AURYN to make a wish, my new invention makes him lose a memory! With each wish, the liquid in his head forms a memory bowl!

Nimbly: What happens when the earthling lost all of his memories?

Tri-Face: The beaker at the bottom is full...

Xayide: ...and the Earthling's head is empty!

NC: Oh, please. You can show him Biodome and have the same effect.

Cut to Nimbly going after Bastian

NC (vo): So Xayide sends her henchman Nimbly to greet Bastian and try to trick him into making some wishes.

Nimbly: You have AURYN! It fulfills all of your wishes!

Cut to Bastian in a city

NC (vo): So Bastian admires Silver City, which totally looks not like Mexico, and admires how... (two dancers pass by) weird it is.

Scenes of Silver City's inhabitants

Bastian: Everything seems fine in Fantasia!

NC: FINE? Fine? Maybe to birdman, it seems pretty fucked up to me! Cut to crab monsters attacking Bastian

NC (vo): Then Xayide sends down her pretty silly looking minions to spread chaos around town.

The monsters attack - while the Power Rangers theme plays and scenes of Rita Repulsa are shown

Rita: So, you think you can stop me, do you? Take that! Rita shoots a spell, cut to a monster flying in front of Bastian, then to Rita laughing. Bastian runs and stops in front of a pool

Bastian: Acid!

Nimbly: Wish them away!

Bastian: Nimbly!

NC (vo): Um, cockadouche has a point. Why don't you wish them away?

Nimbly: Just wish!

Scenes of Nimbly throwing a rope at Bastian, who climbs it as a monster attacks

NC (vo): Uh, hi? This makes no sense. I mean, I know if he makes a wish he loses a memory. But he doesn't know that! His life is at stake! Why don't he wishes them to blow up or something?

Bastian: I'm safe!

NC(vo): And an idiot.

Bastian falls down a trapdoor

NC (vo): So he falls down some secret chute, where he comes across... (weird creatures shown) I don't know, but they provide a way for Bastian to talk to the Childlike Empress.

Empress: We need your dreams and stories to exist, but the people in your world no longer believe in us. They have no time to give us names and stories.

NC (childish voice): I play violent video games and reality TV.

Empress: Only you can save us, Bastian. You are my last hope.

An unimpressed Critic is shown... and splats with his hand a hologram of Princess Leia saying "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope"

NC (vo): So it turns out Bastian has not only to find evil, but also name it in order to destroy it.

Bastian: The Empress is being held prisoner, and before I can fight the force that is holding her, I must give it a name.

NC: Well, why don't you name it after your mother, like you did in the first movie? What was her name again?

Scene of Bastian screaming her name unintelligibly into the storm from NS1

NC: Yeah, call it that.

Cut to Atreyu arriving at Silver City

NC (vo): But luckily, Atreyu shows up to help Bastian on his quest. Give 'em some cred, they actually picked a Native American kid this time.

Atreyu: People talk about a castle that looks like a hand. Some say that's where the giants come from.

Bastian: So that's where we should be heading!

NC (as Atreyu): Just don't ask us to go through any Swamps of Despair! My horse is still manic depressive!

Horse (offscreen): The only point of living is dying!

NC: Shut up, Artax!

Cut to the movie, the AURYN shining

NC (vo): So Bastian gets the brilliant idea of wishing a giant monster to go after the evil castle. But that sorta backfires.

A dragon spitting fire is shown, Bastian screams

NC (vo): ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER. ZUUUUL!

Atreyu is leaving

Bastian: What are you gonna do?

Atreyu: Chase him.

Falkor: Did somebody say chase?

Bastian: Falkor!

NC (vo): Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon!

Bastian riding Falkor

NC (vo): So they go after the fire-breathing monstruosity as they bravely load the stock footage from the first film!

Scenes of Atreyu on horseback

NC: Hey, look! Atreyu looks a lot taller and white!

Scenes of Falkor chasing the dragon

NC (vo): Hey, just an idea here... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! He makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. Then, why doesn't he wish the Memory Machine away They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds!

NC: Could he be just like... I wish for a gun (Gun magically appears in his hand, a ball comes out of the macine). I wish for that machine to disappear. 'Machine disappears with a *poof*; Xayide has a sad face pasted on her

NC: Bye! (Shoots Xayide, then dances to the film's theme song)

Cut to a scene where the hand castle fires lasers at the dragon

NC (vo): So the dragon is zapped by the evil castle as we come across an old familiar friend, the Rockbiter! (a baby Rockbiter appears between his legs) And... son?

Rockbiter: Meet Junior!

NC (in Rockbiter's voice): Don't ask, like, details on how we reproduce! Let's just say I should have used rock control!


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