(Doug is backstage at Shadocon holding a microphone and wearing his Critic hat, tie and white shirt.)
Doug: Ladies and gentlemen, coming out of retirement the first of probably many times to review Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (crowd starts cheering), the Nostalgia Critic!
(He goes up a set of stairs onto the stage and immediately goes into Critic mode, looking unhappy and pacing around. He grabs a chair near the back and brings it up front. Jump cut to him sitting on it.)
NC: Wait, w-well, first of all, that applause and everything else you have there is very kind of-- It's not deserved. Um... Okay, so, um, show of hands: How many people have seen this movie?
(Camera pans to the audience where only a couple people are raising their hands)
NC: (yells offscreen) Get out! (Camera pans around then back to Critic) You do not deserve to be in the same room as normal, breath-breathing people! (calms down) Okay, sorry about that. That was a little harsh. Just a little harsh. It's just this movie, this movie is-- (high-pitched squeal) --okay, a little, um...bad. How do I talk about this movie? Well, maybe like this-- (jumps up) Cock-sucking motherfuck-- (calms down) Okay, okay, hold on. I'm getting ahead of myself. Plenty of time for that. Okay, so, um, anyone here have seen the other Twilight movies? (audience responds, NC points to one side) Get out! Okay, okay, again, jumping the gun. (sighs) Okay, so for those of you who were fortunate enough not to experience, the first-- What are we at, four Twilight movies? And now we have Part 4, Part 2... Point 3? We have a film where Bella is now a vampire! An emotionless beast... Not much of a transition. But the great thing about that is now that Bella has become this creature...sucking...diabolic...piece of ass of the night, that means that everyone else is so excited that they want to move at the speed of light every chance they get, and I'm not just like-- Okay, when they're fighting and a vampire wants to go fast, they can go fast. Pfft, do it! You're a vampire. Use your right! But, like, she wants to get a book and suddenly it's like Benny Hill.
(He gets up and runs to one side singing the Benny Hill theme, then stops suddenly as if to get book.)
NC: Oh, that's an interesting book. (runs back doing Benny Hill theme and sits) It's like zoom zoom, like the fucking Roadrunner! I don't know why! But, I mean, if she checks her phone, is it like (pretends to whip out phone fast) 8:15. (puts back) Why? W-W-Why? And everybody does this. And there's no way to make it so this is not funny. It's hilarious! Every single time she goes to...whatever, check the other time, I want her to say, (in Speedy Gonzales voice) "I'm Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in all of Mexico! (runs) Ha ha!" But no, that would be prejudice against Mexican people, and Lord knows we haven't been prejudice enough against the vampire genre. So, okay, she has given birth to a beautiful CG baby... I'm not even kidding - this film is so cheap they couldn't get a baby. Maybe the baby was asking for too much money, I don't know. But you have this thing that's making "Baby Geniuses 2" look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. It literally looks like somebody just took the label from baby food and the baby going like this (makes Gerber baby face) and just moved his mouth. (moves mouth robotically) "I'm a vampire!" That's the baby! (scoffs) And yet, somehow, it still emotes more than Bella! I don't understand this! But, okay, as we all know, the baby's future husband Jacob... (rolls eyes) Oh, missed that part? Okay, let me explain. Jacob sees this baby, gets a wolf boner, says "Hey, you know what? In hopefully 18 years I bet she'll be hot and I just might wanna do that! A nice bit of tail, considering that I really do have a tail at times." So, okay, you have the baby, grows up pretty fast, and I don't mean like "Oh, they grow up so fast!" No, I mean within a day she's like seven, and you're saying to yourself, "Oh, well, how many days or years or months or whatever went by for that?" Well, they don't tell us. For all we know, literally, they have a dissolve of the baby somehow standing up to be measured, the toddler, and then the seven year old just dissolving, and you know what? Maybe it was real time. We don't know. Stephanie Meyers made up so much shit about Twilight and vampires and stuff like that, I would believe anything. If you said that vampires can suddenly shoot web out of their arms and swing around like Spider-Man, you know what? That would be awesome. I would actually see that movie. You know what, just anything outside of sparkling. (fumes) My Little Ponies sparkle, and they're the only ones that are supposed to sp-- Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. So, we got Jacob, the future husband-to-be to Bella's daughter (looks disgusted), and we have Edward who still can't emote out of a paper bag. In fact... (gets up and grabs roll of duct tape) this duct tape here has much more emotion than Edward ever will.
(He sits down and camera follows as he sets duct tape on the floor. He points to it)
NC: See? You believed it hit the ground, which is much more than anything Edward's ever done. And they're concerned because one of their cousins sees the little seven year old prodigy, the Rosemary's baby if you will, who is walking around and says, "I don't recognize her! I'm gonna go tell the vampire League of Shadows or whatever they are!" Okay, so she goes and does that, and of course Bella sees that the cousin sees it and says to herself, "Oh, wait a minute. This is bad 'cause she's gonna say that and they're gonna think she's an abomination and they're gonna come down and kill her." And they're preparing this army and getting all the other vampire brethren people sparklies together, and they're like, "Oh, we have to fight!" You know what, here's an idea: You have cellphones. She's your cousin - you probably know her number. Maybe you just give her a little call and be like, "Oh, hey, hey, it's cool. It's totally cool. It's my kid. Yeah, no, immaculate birth. Well, yeah, we sparkle too. Just go with it." And you know what? We could avoid it. We could avoid this whole big battle th-- Oh, the big battle. (grits teeth and starts standing) Oh, let me tell you about the big bat-- (sits down) Okay. I will get to that. How many have read the book? (points again) Get out!
(Camera pans to the audience then back to the Critic)
NC: Okay. For those who read the book, you know what's coming and you know this (gestures to angry self) is justified. Okay, so you have Bella and, you know, the little CG seven year old baby person. Oh, they CG the seven year old into like a hot, you know, 20 year old in a future flashback. Yeah, wasn't that some pervert's dream come true. Jacob's, probably. And so they go and they tell this guy who I swear is like an anorexic version of Andy Serkis, who loves to overact even more than Andy Serkis-- I mean, by God, Andy Serkis could do the Gollum voice and he wouldn't be-- He's still more credible than this guy. I mean, this guy hears that there's this immaculate birth and he's just like, (Critic makes high-toned giggle and moves around the stage whimsically) "And what are we supposed to do about the vampire?"
(He spins around a few times while making noises, then stops and points at audience.)
NC: That was subtle compared to the movie, okay? (sits down) And then they have this really cool thing where they get all the vampires from all across the world to see the immaculate bitch, and she touches people with her hand and apparently that convinces them, "Oh, it's female Jesus. Awesome!" And everybody looks at her and is like, "Okay, we're on her side." Awesome! Great! The only downside is that for whatever reason the brethren don't get this news, even though they're aware of everything that's going on, but they don't hear this little thing. "Hey, you know that person we're trying to kill? Heh heh! Everybody's saying that she's, you know, the real deal and really awesome--" "Pfft! We're vampires! We sparkle, we look like Gollum and overact like that, and who needs--" (Critic gets upset and scoff gags a little) Okay. So, we get to... Oh God, let me just think if there's anything I'm missing because (strained whisper) there's so much. God, I just wanna build up properly the ending of it-- Oh, let's talk about the father! Yeah, the father, one of only two likable characters in the entire movie - the other being Jacob before he turned pedophile, was actually really nice and really smart and always going along with everything until he hears that Bella might be dead. Well, that kinda sucks. Pfft, yeah, daughter, only daughter dead-- You know, if it was Bella, I'd be in the same boat the more I think about it. Anyway, so you got him there chopping wood. Jacob goes, shows he's a friggin' werewolf! You know, same reaction as Bella (gives look of dull surprise), and goes in. Bella totally willing not to tell her dad that she's alive - just let him believe that she's dead and gets really mad at Jacob when he goes and tells her father that she's actually alive and kicking and screaming-- Well, not kicking and screaming 'cause that would allow emotion! But that she is, in fact, alive, gets mad at him. Of course, Edward's backing her on that because, you know, he's her bitch. So he goes and listens and says, "What's going on? That boy's a werewolf!" And she says, "Don't ask questions." He says, "Okay." (yells) What?! H-He just goes with it! He's just totally fine. He has maybe the occasional question, "Why is he a werewolf?" "I don't know." and then he's fine! (gets increasingly angry) And I say to myself, you know, if this is a loving family, anything like a loving family where they actually care about each other, which again who could care for that little Satan spawn that's tooling these two boys around like they're Lego pieces and they're just part of her little Barbie franchise and they're gonna make them-- (calms down) You know, it makes sense that using them as like these Barbie toys like she is that she would make them sparkle. I don't even think Stephanie Meyers exists. I think there really is a Bella Swann, and she put this story together, and she's just trying to show all those people in high school that that really overweight, ugly person that was really awkward and everybody laughed at her for liking the vampire game and really getting into it and stuff, and they're just like, "Oh hey, you'll never become anything, hahaha!" And she's just like (talking quickly), "Hell with you! I'm gonna sell my soul to Satan to make this stupid shit actually popular, because everyone's gonna read it! They're gonna like it for some reason! It's not gonna make any goddamn sense! They're gonna be like, 'Oh, it's so amazing!' and then we're gonna make some sort of stupid spin-off that's gonna somehow relate to S&M and that's gonna be a big hit because everybody's into S&M right now! And--" I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's... (holds up hand to stop applause) Let's talk about the climax. Not the one you're thinking. Now we wait for Jacob and the... (looks disgusted) I don't know what this panel is rated. So, okay, we've got this great, big buildup. This is the only moment in a Twilight movie that's kinda cool. You have all the vampire brethrens. All those people from "Eyes Wide Shut" in the cloaks? They're lined up ready to march across the ice 'cause the ice doesn't break here apparently, and all the vampires and werewolves are on the other side, and they line up. And they're there - they're about to have their big Lord of the Rings battle and stuff like that. And they look at each other and say, "We want to kill the child," and Bella's like, "Fuck you!" And, er, no, "Screw you! 'Cause we can show heads getting chopped off, but we can't say 'F you!' because then that would get an R rating." What is up with the MPAA-- Okay. So, they go and they say, "This child is not gonna be a danger. She's gonna be fine. She really is immaculate, blah blah blah." So everything appears to be okay, but the Gollum leader there looks it over and he looks at the child and says, (giggly) "Oh, let me feel you." It's not as perverted as it sou-- Maybe it is. I don't know. But bottom line, he goes over and she touches his face, and suddenly he sees that everything they said was true. Great, so there's no problem, right? Well, he decides he may want to be a dick for no other reason except he may want to be a dick. So, he goes and this - what's her name - Alice, the woman who can see into the future at times when it's convenient for the plot, she comes up and she goes over to the Gollum vampire, let's him touch her hand because that allows him to see into the future... Can they both see into the future? I don't know how that works, but anyway, he sees it and she says, "Oh, you're not going to change your mind no matter what happens." He fucking balls goes crazy, all the vampire costume show, they go running toward the vampires and werewolves. (gets up and runs around) All the werewolves and vampires they go running towards the other, and I swear to goddamn GODdamn that these things are ripping heads off!
(The Critic continues to run around the stage, back and forth.)
NC: Werewolves are coming in, they're taking (goes into gibberish and head stomps floor) Hahahaha! And then the vampires come in and (roars while leaping), and they're going over here and they're just like, "Oh, help me!" "Uh uh, this is Twilight, bitch!" (head stomps and spits) And they're dead! Heads are flying everywhere! This one guy because, suddenly, vampires are like the Planeteers and they can do fire, wind, earth, water-- Not heart, because that would actually require having a soul! So they get down and they go boom! (Slams fist on floor) The ground is breaking! It's like a fucking earthquake! Everything is falling: Vampires, werewolves - ahhh! - falling down. I'm like, is this Twilight or Lord of the Rings?! What the hell is this?! It's unbe-fucking-lievable! (sits down) Bella and Edward look at each other in a legit badass moment. They look at that Gollum vampire and they say, "You're going down!" (gets up and runs around) They rush towards him. Edward finally uses Bella for what she should be: a human shield! (swings fist) Wipes him out! Knocks him to the ground! She gets on his head! Edward tackles him like a football player! They rip the Gollum vampire head off, throw him to the ground! They're about to burn him alive! (sits back down) Everybody is falling to their graves! Heads are flying! Blood everywhere! Dakota Fanning: headless! All this incredible stuff, the most (falls out of chair and gets up) awesome holy goddamn shit ass you wouldn't believe what you just witnessed! Turns out...it was all a dream!
(Audience goes nuts and boos as Critic tries to calm down and picks up chair...only to knock it over angrily.)
NC: I would say that you're all overreacting 'cause this is just a movie, except that every goddamn person in that theater, even the Twilight fans, had the exact same goddamn reaction that you have right now! (now pacing) They look at the screen. They went "What?" They don't even care what the explanation is, they go "What?" It's like an automatic-- You know, when someone hits you, you go "Ow!" You see bullshit like that, you go "BOO!" And they... Okay, dream is pushing it, 'cause dream would actually mean there'd be some credibility. No, it was the vision that the Alice chick who can see into the future is giving the creepy Gollum vampire guy to see what would happen to him if he attacked her. And he says, "Well, shit, that sucks. Bye!" and they head out. So, after all the Twilight movies, all the bullshit, two movies divided up actually telling us the moral of the story, the moral of the story is if you sacrifice nothing, do nothing, play these boytoys like...boytoys, you can live happily ever after as the blood-sucking demon that you are. Fuck you, Stephanie Meyers!
(Audience cheers and claps as the Critic silently paces until he sits down again...on the upturned chair.)
NC: So, what did I think of this movie? I didn't like it very much. It had some chance of maybe becoming something at the end if just for epic stupidity, but instead what we have is one of the stupidest, worst franchises that has ever existed in mankind...
(He goes to say more but just seems thoroughly disgusted and drained, finally managing a sad squeak.)
NC: Someone put me back in the Plot Hole. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(Audience cheers wildly as the Critic collapses on the floor. Camera pans from him to them as many give a standing ovation. Fade to card saying "Thanks to Rob Walker and the folks at Shadocon" as audience cheers "Critic!" over and over.)