My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic #11-12
September 21, 2017
Ultimate Iron Man Vol. 1 1-2
Horses in high school... and yet it's NOT Equestria Girls?
[We open to black with the caption: “For those who do not watch the storyline segments, the review begins at 2:00.” We then cut to the interior of Comicron-1, Linkara is using his communicator watch.]
Linkara: Can’t thank you enough, Lieutenant Munro, this will be invaluable, Linkara out. [Turns off his communicator and turns to Doctor Linksano] How’s it look Doc?
Doctor Linksano: [Hold a device] Hmm, simple enough operation. I’ll show you how it works before you beam over. Normally, the transporter buffer can only hold about…um, 10-12 items. Fortunately, I’m a genius. [Uses the 4th Doctor’s Sonic Screwdriver on it.] Now it can hold a hundred!
Linkara: My very on bag of holding, awesome.
Linksano: Heh, Nerd!
Lord Vyce: I doubt any of the weapons you bring with will be effect against the entity.
Linkara: Can’t hurt to try at least. How much longer until the satellite network is ready?
Vyce: Another half-hour should be sufficient time.
Linkara: I know what I’m doing!
Vyce: Of all the champions that I have vanquished in my quest, all the creatures that I have encountered and destroyed, I have never beheld the more perplexing trait than your desire to review things while facing doom and destruction.
Linkara: Don’t knock it till you try it.
[He leaves the room as we cut to the intro and theme song, followed by the title card. We then cut to Linkara sitting on his Green Futon with Viga in his basement apartment]
Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop The 4th Wall, where-
Viga: Interrupts and throws My Little Pony toys in the air] Ponies!
Linkara: [Confused] –bad comics-
Viga: [Interrupts again and puts her arm around him and looks at him] Ponies! [Shoves a My Little Pony toy in his face] Ponies, ponies, poinies!
Linkara: Patreon sponsored review time again…this episode is about tiny horses…again.
Linkara [v/o]: As a refresher, we covered My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic a year ago in another Patreon sponsored review. That one was a crappy environmental message story about deer, a Minotaur, and how, apparently, royalty has no actual authority over businesses that could immediately put a halt to their development plans. Then, for the holiday season, I covered an annual issue featuring some Pon-ifide versions of Christmas classics.
Viga: [Interrupts again] And today’s all about 1980s style John Hughes written ponies, so [Holds out toys] I’ve got 5 figures here, [Hands Soundwave and Rainbow Dash toys to Linkara, who is still confused] You could have Soundwave and let’s you’re Rainbow Dash and ok, we’re going to act out some scenes from Breakfast Club, as kind of an homage and I think it’ll be a good part of the review.
Linkara: [To Viga] Ok, um, how about I do the review…on my own.
[She sings to the tune of “We are Not Alone” by Karla DeVito, while Viga holds out her toys]
We are not alone!
[“Do’s” the next verse]
Linkara: [Interrupts] And then, I’ll take you to that My Little Pony Movie that’s coming out soon as many times as you want. [Smiles, hoping this will please her]
Viga: $600 worth of times. [Linkara does not look happy about this.] I mean, come in, it’s like the movie. We have to see it multiple times to really immerse ourselves in the pony experience. Plus, Sia’s in it.
Linkara: [Uneasy] Sure.
[She sings to the tune of “Don’t you (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds, as she gets up]
Don’t you forget about this
[Holds MLP toy to camera] No, no, no, no.
[She then leaves. Linkara puts Soundwave and Rainbow Dash aside as he slides to the center of the Futon and searches the ground for the comic, while keeping eye contact with us.]
Linkara: Her “Idols of Anime” series really is quite good and you should check it out. Anyway, [Holds both comics] Let’s dig into My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic #11 and 12!
Viga: [From off camera] You also have to go see Spider-man: Homecoming!
Linkara: We’ll see it when I can actually get my episodes out on time!
[Cut to the cover for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic #11]
Linkara [v/o]: The cover is good, featuring a high school yearbook full of characters of presumed relevance to the 2-parter. To aid with the aesthetic, it’s also sitting on top of some papers, a ticket to a dance and even a cassette tape for “Springsteed,” title track: “Born in Equestria.”
Linkara: So, it’s a song about the hardships veteran ponies face in Equestria when returning home from Vietnam?!
Linkara [v/o]: Dumb question; But I know that unicorns and alicorns can use their magic horns to telekinetically move objects in this world, but regular ponies don’t have that. So, how exactly is a normal pony supposed to flip the pages of a book like this? We open with the main characters at a teahouse with Twilight Sparkle’s brother, Shining Armor, and his wife, Princess Cadance. [Cut black with the caption said by Linkara in an echoey voice] “Time 4 Backstory” [Normal] In the 2-part season 2 finale of the show, the two got married, but part of the plot was that Twilight hadn’t been informed ahead of time that her brother was dating Cadance. There was also a plot about shape-shifting ponies trying to take over the land by impersonating Cadance…as you do. Anyway, the ponies thank them for inviting them out on the town with them, although Pinkie Pie is upset by the teahouse.
Pinkie Pie: This place could use some streamers…and have you seen the size of these cakes? I’ll need to eat 42 of them to equal one piece of normal cake!
Linkara [v/o]: And the owner of the teahouse sighs in the background.
Linkara: What the hell are you so upset about? That means she’s gonna spend a crap ton more money here!
Linkara [v/o]: The two are heading back to their kingdom, the Crystal Empire, fairly soon so they can celebrate one-year anniversary together. This prompts Fluttershy to note that they don’t know how the two met.
Twilight Sparkle: That’s easy! Princess Cadance was my foal sitter!
Linkara: That’s one way to ensure that royalty doesn’t become spoiled, force them to do regular teenager jobs.
Linkara [v/o]: However, Shining Armor and Cadance say there’s more to the story than that; that they went to School together.
Adult Shining Armor: I remember it like it was…a while ago…
[Cut to a clip from Wayne World, Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar make noises and move their arms like a wavy scene transition.]
Linkara [v/o]: The 2-part story is called “Neigh Anything,” a play on the Cameron Crowe film, “Say Anything,” which many people might know as that movie where John Cusack holds a boom box under the window of the woman he likes and plays a Peter Gabriel song.
Linkara: A.k.a. the thing that is incredibly romantic in fictional setting…and is really creepy in real life.
Linkara [v/o]: However, the title is more than just a general 80s romantic movie reference, which this comic has a crap ton of, so please forgive me If I don’t point out every single one of them. The 2 attend Canterlot Academy, where Shining Armor in particular had a grouo of friends. One of those friends, a nerdy pony named Poindexter, is tripped by a jock into the others.
Jock Pony [Buck Withers, as we find out later]: Hope you had a nice trip, Poindexter
Linkara: See, the real evolutionary problem of a world populated by horses is that no one could give him the finger.
Linkara [v/o]: Cadance spots the tripped group and goes to Shining Armor 1st, offering to help him up. Shining Armor, however, is kind awestruck by how beautiful she is and can’t really respond beyond “Dur” and “Gerp.” I do love the borders of the page made up of the books and pencils he dropped, one of which being “composition,” cute. Before Shining Armor can summon up his true courage, her friends call her to go to class before they’re late.
Teen Shining Armor: [To his friends] I think she likes me.
Linkara: Well, who could resist a poet like you, dude? Come lunchtime, you’ll be serenading her with “Gah.”
[We cut to Shining Armor and his friends sitting in a basement. The rest of the background is covered with black splotches.]
Linkara [v/o]: Later that day, he and his friends are hanging out in a basement that…good lord, how many splotches are everywhere? Did somebody flick paint around this whole basement or is the entire area slowly being enveloped in darkness? That happened to me once, you know?! It’s not like it looks like shading or something, they use standard shadows and cross hatching in the rest of the panels. I’d call this a printing error, but this is a digital copy I got off of ComiXology. The 4 are playing “Oubliettes and Ogres,” the pony version of “Dungeons and Dragons.” They also have posters on the wall for “Star Trot II,” “Bridle Runner,” and what I presume to be “BrayLander” [Or “Haylander]
Linkara: So, as a reminder, this world has Dungeons and Dragons, high school and movies, but no car?
Linkara [v/o]: I know I don’t watch the show and it’s a cartoon meant for kids, so I shouldn’t ne thinking that hard about it, but it just baffles me. Anyway, they make some roles, but Shining Armor seems distracted.
Shining Armor’s Friend [Gaffer, according to mlp.wikia]: Shining Arrrrrrmorrrr? You still with us over there? We need out paladin!
Shining Armor: …what?
[Cut to Ultima 9]
The Avatar: What’s a Paladin?
Shining Armor’s Other Friend [8-Bit according to mlp.wikia]: I think somepony still has his head on tri-colored hair and blue eyes.
Shining Armor: Her eyes are purple.
[Cut to the Welcome to Purple youtube video]
PurpleEyes: PurpleEyes Whatthefuck!
Linkara [v/o]: Shining Armor has decided that he’s gonna make Cadance his girlfriend and taker her to the fall formal.
Poindexter: [whispers] There sure are a lot of dances in this place, aren’t there?
Linkara: Yeah, but it’s cheaper than paying for art and music classes. [Beat] What? In this world, ponies that are artistically inclined will get a tattoo on their ass signifying it and everybody is good at singing anyway, so what’s the point?
Gaffer: Shining Armor, Cadance is a Princess.
Linkara: Which is why she’s attending a public high school instead of private tutoring! [Beat] No, seriously, aside from the title, is there any benefit to being royalty in this world?!
Linkara [v/o]: The others think he’s shooting his expectations a little high, but he thinks this is destiny.
Shining Armor: She’s perfect. We are going to live happily ever after in a crystal castle. I can see it clearly…
Linkara [v/o]: And we can see that what he sees clearly is this image.
[The image is what he pictired, but it looks like a child drawn picture with crayon.]
Linkara: You know what, the crayon delusion has convinced me, go for it horse!
Linkara [v/o]: His friends finally agree to help him, with the one who was the dungeon master thinking he can come up with a plan to woo her.
Gaffer: I have written 367 successful “Oubliettes and Ogres” campaigns. If I can’t come up with a quest for the hero to get the girl, I may as well turn in my nerd badge.
Linkara: Well, anything’s possible if you make the acrobatics role. [Beat] And much like my ST3V joke from a while back, my thanks to the 3 of you who get that reference.
Linkara [v/o]: Also, good job dude, I’m sure there won’t be any problem treating someone like they’re a fictional character and prize to be won in an RPG, I see nothing but good in this. Isn’t that right Shining Armor or are you to busy obsessing over a miniature [From their Oubliettes and Ogres game] that kind of looks like Cadance? The plan requires 3 trials for him to overcome. The 1st is easiest, he has to actually talk to her.
Linkara: Given his track record, maybe we should skip to the part where rocks fall and everybody dies.
Linkara [v/o]: 2nd is that he has to make a grand gesture to be noticed and put on the ballot for the fall formal king, and finally, since Cadance is expected to be the fall formal queen, the 2 will get to dance and that’s when he can ask her to start going steady. Well, they say “Be his very special somepony,” because “girlfriend” and ‘boyfriend” are apparently not equine enough.
Linkara: As for the grand gesture, I say sing “Can’t take my eyes off of you” to her while getting pursued by campus security.
Linkara [v/o]: Since just walking up to her would be kind of awkward to start talking to her, one of his friends presents an opportunity for him. She’s offering Foal Sitting cheap and Twilight Sparkle needs to be baby sat while him and their parents go to his flugelhorn recital. Again, not certain how one plays an instrument that requires finger movements. Although, I suppose telekinesis again, but why would instruments even be designed like this one for a species with a completely different anatomy? Anyhoo, Shining Armor chokes up when Cadance arrives, particularly because she knows his name already. It’s not helped by his parents embarrassing him in front of her, mentioning in particular how they’ll be going out for ice cream afterwards or else he’ll get “cranky-wanky.”
Linkara: Oh, don’t worry; I’m sure he gets very wanky when thinking about Cadance. [Beat] I’m awful, why do you people watch me?
Linkara [v/o]: Still, he does manage to get out a very awkward “Hello” before he leaves, so that’s something. Next up is the grand gesture, which fortunately is meaant less to make a public spectacle to pressure her into accepting, but rather to raise his social standing. The way they do that is that the fall formal parade, where is friends have constructed a D&D inspired parade float promoting him for the King spot. Oh, but the float itself is not enough, they have a musical number ready for this.
Linkara: Unfortunately that song ends up being “Never Gonna Give You Up,” so people assume he’s trolling them.
Linkara [v/o]: In the audience [At the parade], they spot Cadance hanging out with Buck Withers, the bully from the beginning. Buck is apparently already planning on asking Cadance to the dance, so they need to hurry and pull this off before he can. With the fear of that happening, Shining Armor is determined and heads out there with his friends also dressed up like 80s bands, including Devo. Although, I originally thought Shining Armor’s outfit was referencing Falco for “Rock Me Amadeus,” but according to a wiki, he’s apparently supposed to be referencing Adam Ant and yet the song he’s singing is a loose parody of Oingo Boingo’s “Little Girls,” which…huh. Well, at least in his case, he’s singing about pretty, pink mares, so it’s a little more believable that this might work instead of making her incredibly creeped out. Oh, and Poindexter is also wearing buttons on his Boy George inspired outfit; “Save Ferris,” which…ok, Ferris Bueller is a story here too, but…more confusingly; “Where’s the Beef?”
Linkara: So…uh, I looked it up, cows are sapient in this universe or at least they can talk. So…do ponies eat them and in fact, complain when there is insufficient meant in their fast-food burgers?
Linkara [v/o]: Parodies aside, I think we can all see what really wins Cadance though, the keytar. Doesn’t matter if logically they shouldn’t be able to play it, it’s a keytar, which means it’s awesome. But yeah, Cadance in the crowd seemed to really like it and clap for it, until Buck his buddy yell out “What a bunch of geeks” and everybody starts laughing at them. As their float burns down, because really this thing was obviously assembled in a hurry without proper safety for the fire spewing behind them, before they leave discouraged. Though clearly Cadance in the background is pissed at Buck for this.. As such, the group realizes their objectives must change since they don’t think Shining Armor can become fall formal king.
Gaffer: You want to win the princess, right?
Shining Armor: More than anything.
Gaffer: Then you are going to slay that dragon.
Gaffer/Linkara: I know where we can get the beef we want for our burgers!
Linkara [v/o]: Buck’s weakness is that he’s an egotistical blowhard who needs to be the center of attention while winning in polo. As such, they figure if they sabotage him in their game that night, they’ll take him down a peg while Shining Armor asks Cadance to the dance. They’re good enough to point out “Hey, won’t this screw over everyone else on the team?” But explain that everyone else on the team is good at polo and can without Buck. Unfortunately, in true zany comedy fashion, everything they do just ends up making Buck look fantastic. Blowing an air horn to distract him from making a defense move just allows him to hit the ball higher than normal, releasing grease to makes him slip just accidentally swing the mallet hard enough to sent the ball across field to the goal, etc. Shining Armor finally decides, “Screw the shenanigans” and just goes to Cadance to ask her to the dance, but because of the crowd of ponies in the way, he can’t get to her before Buck asks her.
Teen Princess Cadance: Well, I guess it’s true no pony has asked me yet…I was king of hoping one pony would…
Princess Cadance/Linkara: And going alone or asking him myself would break down our societal structures, so…
Linkara [v/o]: Issue 11 ends with the main 6 wondering how the hell this could have happened since they ended up together, though Cadance also points out that Shining Armor is clearly embellishing the story a bit.
Twilight: You should hear our dad tell that story. There’s a gopher that helps them replace the polo ball.
Twilight/Linkara: Then he yelled something like, “We’re all gonna get laid,” it was weird.
Linkara [v/o]: The other ponies are of course curious what happened after that, bringing us to issue 12. The cover for this one is less impressive, but perfectly serviceable, showing Shining Armor looking forlorn at Cadance while carring his D&D books.
Text Box: Read “The Wild Stallion Within!”
[Cut to a clip from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey]
Bill S. Preston and Ted Logan: Excellent!
Text Box: Neigh Anything Part 2:Presentable in Periwinkle
Linkara: So, when Jon Cryer comes out in this one, is he an actual duck?
Jon Cry play a character nicknamed “Duckie” in Pretty in Pink.
Linkara [v/o]: Cadance thinks that Shining Armor has been embellishing the story too much and decides to take over recounting all this. She flashes back to when she baby sat Twilight. Turns out, she found his awkward “Hello” to be absolutely adorable. As such, she grabs Twilight and lifts her up.
Cadance: Okay Twilight Sparkle, first off…I need you to tell me absolutely every relevant piece of information you have about your brother,
Cadance/Linkara: Where can I find some locks of hair, kid?! I must assemble all and put them on this [Holds up toy of Shining Armor] effigy of him I have made! [Looks at the toy] My. Little. Pony.
Linkara [v/o]: Twilight realizes that she already likes him and is willing to help. However, this is Twilight Sparkle we’re talking about.
Kid Twilight Sparkle: Are you ready to take extensive notes on his likes and dislikes, to create several comparative charts about your popularity vs. his? Did you bring a label maker? Is your paper wide rules or academy ruled?
Kid Twilight/Linkara: Have you begun tracing his cutie mark over and over? Have you sniffed his undergarments and other discarded clothing? Have you rifled through his garbage to find something with his hand-writing on it that you can imitate?!
Linkara [v/o]: However, Cadance is indeed devoted to Twilight on these subjects and they spend the rest of the night figuring out that indeed, the 2 are compatible. The 2 agree to never tell anyone about their night being dorks together,
[The 2 put Cadance’s cutie mark next to the Twilight’s blank but that will have a cutie mark later.]
Linkara: Butt bonding!
Linkara [v/o]: At the parade, Buck kept hitting on her.
Cadance: Oh no, Buck. Please Don’t. I have…um…just did my hair. Don’t want to muss it, you know.
Buck Withers: I do know! It takes forever to get my feathering just right! You really get me, Cadance.
Linkara: Yeah, but what gets me is that you thought that touching her hair without her permission was a good idea, Buck head.
Linkara [v/o]: She’s of course impressed by the Oingo Boingo cover band that Shining Armor made and read Buck the riot act when he insulted them. She actually had decided to ask him out herself, but overheard some of her friends talking about Shining Armor being in love with a girl and Cadance apparently didn’t put 2 and 2 together that he was pining for her. So, she figured he was going after someone else, hence why she accepted Buck asking her to the dance. However, later with her fiorends, she admits her reluctance to get together with Buck.
Cadance: Don’t you think he’s kind of mean?
Lemony Gems: My mom always tells me personality traits you don’t like in a stallion can be fixed with constant nagging.
Lemony Gems/Linkara: She says it’s been a real boon with her 3rd husband.
Lemony Gems: Do you think, like, on stallions, they should call them “cutie mark?” How about “Manly Marks?” Or “Macho Marks?”
Linkara: How about “Butt Brands?”
Linkara [v/o]: Cadance admits she doesn’t like Buck and much prefers Shining Armor. The others think that as a princess, she could do a lot better, but they turn around when she says that Buck will be back on the market without her in the way. We cut between Shining Armor and Cadance’s friends as they talk about their respective plans. The boys are going to try to expose Buck as a jackass to Cadance by constantly poking and irritating him, while Cadance’s friends want her to break it off with him at the dance itself, so that they can console him in his time of heartbreak. What’s more, the boys are going to expose themselves as the ones poking him, so that he’ll chase after them, leaving him to dance with Cadance in the meantime; probably to whatever the pony equivalent is of Madonna’s “Crazy for you.” Princess Celestia waits with Cadance for Buck to arrive and Cadance admits to her that she plans to break it off with Buck and be with someone else.
Princess Celestia: Now Cadance, It’s important to fulfill our obligations. If you agreed to go with the young stallion, it’s the right thing to do to go and be gracious! Princess Clestia/Linkara: I mean, If you don’t fulfill your obligations, you might end up like your hellish aunt who lives in the moon and would rather rain death and destruction down upon us all if given the chance.
Linkara [v/o]: Buck then arrives.
Buck: Helloooo! Princess Celestia! Can I call you Celestia? We’re practically family not that I’m dating the fair Cadance! Wow! Canterlot Castle! I could get used to living here! Maybe after graduation there’ll be wedding bells! Lucky you! Let’s go Cadance! Masu’t be late for our first public appearance as Canterlot’s newest celebrity couple.
Princess Celestia: [Whispers to Cadance] Ditch him the first chance you get.
Linkara: You know, you are the ruling monarch; you could order him beheaded. Just saying.
Linkara [v/o]: At the dance, Cadance sees who Shining Armor is with: Poindexter in a dress and realizes that Shining Armor isn’t really with anyone. As such, she takes the opportunity to break it off with Buck. He’s of course shocked and confused as Cadance’s friends try to console him. And man, I just realized this dance is kind of sparsely populated. Geez, maybe this place does have too many dances, everybody’s jaded to them now. Buck suddenly recalls how Shining Armor and Cadance seemed to have a thing for each other and gets pissed about it. Fortunately though, Cadance and Shining Armor actually began talking to one another while his friends poke and irritate Buck. Poindexter, apparently, doesn’t get why he’s in the dress.
Shining Armor: Because you never gave Gaffer back his replica bat’leth sword after Nightmare Night last year and that stallion holds a grudge.
Linkara: [Yells] OH FOR DRYING OUT LOUD! [holds up a bat’leth replica] A BAT’LETH IS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR FINGERS TO GRASP IT! WHY WOULD HORSES DESIGN IT LIKE THAT?!?! NO, I’M NOT BEONG PEDANTIC ABOUT THE SHOW FEATURING THE MAGICAL TALKING PONIES; THEY BROUGHT IT UP!
Linkara [v/o]: Cadance is announced as queen of the fall formal and up in the rafters, Shining Armor’s friends abandon plan to drop pigs blood Buck and Buck yells at Shining Armor that there’s no way Cadance would pick him since he’s a “dweeb” and all. And, indeed, Buck is picked as the king and he loudly announces about how much better he is.
Buck: You’re not good enough for her, Shining Armor. You never will be. I’m the one who deserves a happily ever after. Not you…and everypony in this ball room thinks so!
Linkara: Oh, go Buck yourself!
Linkara [v/o]: However, Shining Armor yells out that he isn’t the one who deserves the happily ever after, he is. Everyone else in the room yells out that Buck is a dick and a bully while Shining Armor has been kind and helpful to everyone else.
Buck: Who cares about being nice when your great looking, rich and good at sports?
Linkara: Oh, good job there, dude. At this rate, we’ll have the reverse “Carrie;” the entire dance sets you on fire!
Linkara [v/o]: Cadance, of course, cares nor for his asshole-ory and takes the crown off his head, giving it to Shining Armor. Buck objects, but with the help of Shining Armor’s friends, he gets strung up.
Buck: [Attached to a harness, lifted into the air] What are you doing? Let me out of this right now. My father is a congresspony!
Linkara: Oh! He’s connected to politicians. Yeah, suddenly this makes a lot of sense. So, anyway…[Realizes] wait…Equestria has a congress?!
Linkara [v/o]: As Cadance and Shining Armor dance, possibly to the 80s remix of the Chains Smoker’s “Closer” (Seriously look that up, it’s amazing), Poindexter asks the other friend [Gaffer] if he can take the dress off.
Gaffer: You have my bat’leth with you?
Gaffer: Then no.
Linkara [v/o]: However, this then brings us to the greatest twist of this comic as he speaks to another pony in a very interesting outfit.
Gaffer/Dr. Sam Beckett: [Whispers to the MLP version of Al] Okay, I got them together! Why haven’t I leaped, Al?
Linkara: Some one get Obscurus Lupa on the line! My Little Pony and Quantum Leap are in the same universe! And bare in mind, this is a story being recounted by Cadance. That means she knew that Scott Bakula was inside that pony and talking to a hologram!
Linkara [v/o]: And thus, the story is over and Fluttershy wonders whatever happened to Buck. Shining Armor says he got a lot nicer and better when he got older and a c0-inky-dink, Buck comes in with his own wife, who appears to be one of Cadance’s old friends [Lemony Gems]. And so, our comic ends with Shining Armor and Buck winking and pointing at each other in an “Aye!” kind of way.
Shining Armor/Linkara: [Pretending to point to Buck]] Aye! You used to bully and abuse me in high school!
Linkara [v/o]: The comic has a 2-page spread to end this off with some more horse music puns, including “Safety Prance,” “Let’s Get Tangible” by Olivia Newton Jump…
Linkara: Sooo, there a lot of incorporeal horses out there?
Linkara [v/o]: …”Tack On Me” by A-Halter, “When Birds Cry” by Prance. But mot important of all, “Never Gonna’ Give up You” by Rain Astley.
Linkara: I feel like this thing just Rick-rolled me. Anyway, [Holds up both issues] these comics are fine.
Linkara [v/o]: I still really do not care about this series and that’s ok. I know plenty of people who friggin’ love the show and they are free to do so. The comics themselves are filled to the brim with 80s, while it self, basically being a big tribute to 80s teens dramas and comedies. Most of the complaints have made throughout this review were quickly undone by a line of dialogue or 2 that indicated, “Yeah, we know some of the problematic tropes of these things and we’re gonna fix them real quick,” so kudos there. It’s a very cute love story and plenty of fun, full of fairly funny jokes and quirky characters. It’s not really my thing, but there’s nothing bad about it at all. If you’re a fan of My Little Pony, this 2-parter is probably right up your alley, unless I’m somehow missing out on some massive plot holes and continuity issues as a result of not knowing this series inside and out, but…well, whatever.
Linkara: Next time, assuming there is a next time, we conclude the 3 Patreon sponsored reviews in a row, by going back to the beginning of Image comics with Stormwatch #0.
Linksano [v/o]: [From the intercom] Linkara, we’re ready.
Linkara: And here we go.
[He gets up off the futon. We cut to the orbit of Earth as its satellites move. They emit energy beams that create a portal. After a shot of Comicron-1 and 2 facing each other, we cut to Linkara beaming aboard Comicron-2’s bridge, which still looks like his basement apartment. Linkara heads to the console and presses some buttons and flips some switches. The result causes Comicron-2 to start flying towards the portal.]
Linkara: [To his communicator] Alright guys, I’ve the controls, now get me the hell out of here!
MissingNo: [Behind Linkara] So nice to see you again, human!
Linkara: Dear Lord, it’s creepy when you do that!
MissingNo: I know.
Linkara: So, here’s the thing that I don’t understand, you killed yourself or at least you seemed to. Why did you come back? Did you not get the answers you were seeking?
MissingNo: I am not same being who took that journey.
[We flashback to the review of Pokemon: Electric Tale of Pikachu.]
MissingNo [v/o]: I am a piece of myself, a small component of a greater whole. Left behind when the majority of my behttp://pokemon.wikia.com/wiki/ Electric Tale of Pikachuing sought an answer to your question. I am a guarantee, a life-line so that my glory will remain and return.
Linkara [v/o]: You’re just a piece of the entity?
MissingNo [v/o]: I was asleep for years, until the kraven king woke me up. Worthless being, always assumed it was superior to my magnificence!
Linkara: Well, you know how royalty can be. Listen, I’d love to stay and chat, but I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.
[MissingNo moves his head, causing Comicron-2 to shake. Linkara nearly falls, supporting himself with the console. Outside, we see the ship stop its course towards the portal.]
MissingNo: No escape this time, human. It is as it was before: you and I, alone. Still, I’d hate to have our fun be interrupted.
[He moves his head again, causing the ship to fly back towards Comicron-1. We cut back to the bridge of Comicron-1]
Linksano: They’re charging weapons!
Vyce: Target engines and weapons, but do not destroy them! The Entity will survive and flee to another dimension before it could get in range of the portal!
[Comicron-2 fires energy weapons a Comicron-1, but only hit the temporal shields]
Linksano: Temporal shields holding!
Vyce: Excellent! Forward lance; return fire!
[Comicron-1 fires from the forward lance and top 2 turrets. Comicron-2 also shields itself with temporal shields. As it dodges, it’s top turret constantly fires back until the energy causes Comicron-1’s temporal shields to fall and can cause damage.]
Linksano: They’re adapting around the temporal shields! Switching frequencies!
Vyce: [Small laugh] But, allow me to show you all what this ship can do at full strength. NIMUE, engage the particle disseminator!
[After Comicron-2 gets some more shots at them, Comicron-1’s turrets and forward lance create yellow beams that converge like the Death Star and then go to Comicron-2, shooting off its right wing and causing the ship to spiral.]
Vyce: [To Linksano] Engage tractor beam emitters, we’ll drag them in closer to the portal and-
[They see where Comicron-2’s wing was; static energy from MissingNo creates a new wing for it.]
Linksano: Well, we’re boned.
[The 2 ships continue to fire on each other. Comicron-2 fires a missile made of MissingNo’s static energy at the stern of Comicron-1, causing an explosion that causes Comicron-1 to drift in space. We then cut back to the bridge of Comicron-2]
MissingNo: It’s your move, human. Albeit, you appear to be under prepared for this confromtation.
Linkara: Looks can be deceptive. I probably can’t kill you, but I bet I could piss you off.
MissingNo: With you biting wit, human?
Linkara: No, [holds up his wrist communicator] with a transporter buffer!
[He presses a button, a proton pack teleports to Linkara’s back. He fires a proton stream at MissingNo, ensnaring him. Linkara also summons a Pokeball in his free hand.]
Linkara: You know, everybody was asking me what happens if I throw this at you. Might as well find out. Pokeball, go! [He throws the Pokeball at MissingNo, which captures him.] Holly crap, that actually worked?! [But then the Pokeball shakes and glows and MissingNo emerges from out of it.] Well, Pokemon has taught me anything, [Summons another Pokeball] that you just keep chucking balls until you get it right. Pokeball, go!
[He throws the Pokeball, but MissingNo catches it, squeezes it in his grip until it’s shortly destroyed.]
Linkara: Ok, maybe an Ultra Ball will-
[MissingNo yells, causing a wave that knocks down Linkara. Outside, the 2 ships continue to fire on each other. We cut back to the bridge of Comicron-1]
Pollo: The neutron blaster can’t get a clean hit on it!
Vvce: NIMUE, unleash the swarm!
[Cut to the back of the ship, the hangar doors that normally release the Vigilant, repeases hundreds of green energy bolts. They move and sound like bees. They head for Comicron-2 and destroy both wings, but MissingNo regenerates them back.]
Pollo: It’s no good; we can’t disable that thing! We’ve got to help Linkara out somehow.
Vyce: Linksano, attempt to patch into the security systems aboard Comicron-2. We need to see what’s going on over there
Linksano: On it!
[The vid screen then changes from showing Comicron-2 fire upon them, to the bridge of the ship. Linkara fires the magic gun and Saba (MMPR White Ranger’s sword) at MissingNo, who takes the energy of both and combines them like like a Dragon Ball Z Kame hame ha and just like a Kame Hame ha, he has the energy go back to Linkara, knocking him down.]
MissingNo: So amusing, so entertaining, so utterly futile. [Static] I am so much more than you, human. Even when your voice became my voice, [Linkara gets up and aims at MissingNo] you could do nothing but sleepwalk.
[Linkara doesn’t fire, instead MissingNo’s words stir his thoughts. We then flash Back to previous episodes. 1st is Batman: Shadow of the Bat #58]
Linkara: There’s something inside of me, a worry, a concern about future. /[Cut to The Star Wars #5] hopelessness, insignificance, how tiny and unimportant we all are in the grand scheme of things. /[Cut to Pokemon: Electric Tale of Pikachu] What are you going to do to pass the time?
[Cut to Spider-man: Virtual Mortality]
Freddy Kruger: The game, Linkara!
[Cut to Comic Book Quickies #6]
Linkara: Something is playing a larger game.
[We cut to Linkara seeing MissingNo on the mirror with his hands covering his eyes, can’t find where it’s from.]
MissingNo: You have to keep playing. I love playing this game too much to stop playing.
[Cut to Robocop Vs. Terminator #2]
Linkara: Don’t play games with me, guys. [Realizes] Games. /[Cut back to Pokemon: Electric Tale of Pikachu] In the end, you’ll still be there, alone in the darkness of mere being, forever!
[We see a sign behind MissingNo when he possessed 90s Kid is a sign on the refrigerator that reads: “Sleepwalk through eternity.” Cut back to MissingNo in the mirror.]
MIssingNo: Don’t play their game; play mine!
[Cut to Delicious in Dungeon, Ch. 1]
MissingNo/Margret: I don’t want this game to end.
[Cut to Nightmare on Elm Street #1-2]
Mysterious Voice: Sleepwalk through eternity!
[We then finally cut back to the present. Linkara stops aiming at MissingNo.]
MissingNo: Wha…what are you doing?
Linkara: I’m done, I surrender.
MissinngNo: But…no, you cannot do that.
Linkara: You said this was a game, didn’t you? Well, I’m done, game over. The only winning move is not to play.
MissingNo: [Angry] No, you can’t do that!
Linkara: [Holds out his arms] Then kill me! Absorb me, whatever! Because I do not like this game and I no longer wish to play!
MissingNo: I will! I will absorb you and your world and-
Linkara: AND YOU HAVEN”T DONE IT! YOU ARE VAST AND TERRIBLE AND BEAUTIFUL AND ALL THE CRAP YOU BOASTED AT ME LAST TIME! YOU ABSORBED EVERYONE ON EARTH THEN AND YET YOU’VE BEEN BACK FOR YEARS NOW AND YOU HAVEN’T DONE IT!
Vyce: What the hell is he doing?!
Pollo: I don’t know and I think we’re about to find out.
MissingNo: You…you must fight, continue the game!
Linkara: No! I figured it out! “Sleepwalk through eternity,” that was you! 6 years ago, I showed you that your existence was pointless, I showed you how meaningless your purpose was, and here we are again! Nothing has changed! You could take this world at anytime! You could go right back to right where we left off when you died, but you haven’t! Because, what’s the point, you’re trying to stave off the inevitable by playing this “game,” but it’s just a diversion! You want us to just keep playing this over and over. Well, it has to end at some point and if you won’t end it, I will! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EVEN DOING?!
MissingNo: I…[Moves in shot] I…[Moves in shot] I…[He then leans on the console for support. Continues to move around] It’s…I still have not returned. You asked what happens when a god dies…and there is still no answer. I see eternity before me and it is useless. And so I drag myself along the course of infinity for nothing. WHY IS THERE NO ANSWER, HUMAN! What is this hopelessness? I am insignificant. It is sickening. I have been in this universe for too long! It is… [moves in shot] I cannot… [moves in shot] I am diminished. [Moves in shot] I am missing. I…I cannot process this without my full form, but it has not returned! I am…I am…I am unimportant. Cannot be. Nothing matters. Nothing I do matters! [Reaches out to Linkara] Give me purpose! Give me something! I cannot…I am…I fear…I cannot process this! I am more than this, but I am diminished! Nothing I do matters. Tell me…tell me how I can matter, how I can function!
Linkara: We’re both afraid of the same thing; that we’re gonna close our eyes and that’ll be it. That everything we are doesn’t matter. But I don’t believe that. There are other things, other challenges you could be. You could…[Realizes] you could make yourself human! Abandon one form for ano-
MIssingNo: [Growls] NO! I know your experiences. I know your existence. I have possessed your life forms. I have possessed all life forms! I know those things! I have seen your thoughts, your memories from before. [Stands up and holds out his arms] YOU ARE SMALL, I AM-
Linkara: Insignificant, you said so yourself.
MissingNo: I a storm, you are a grain of sand, DO NOT EVEN THINK THAT YOUR EXISTENCE WOULD COMPARE TO MINE! [Linkara looks scared, but MissingNo gets depressed again] But what is a storm to eternity but a light breeze. There is nothing. I…I cannot bare this confusion any longer! I am…I am…afraid. [Leans against the console again] I am irrelevant. I have only the same questions that my greater whole had. I hope it has found the answers that I cannot. [Looks off, away from Linkara and the console.] It’s getting dark now. The game is over, the players depart from the table. I am alone. I am afraid.
Linkara: Don’t be afraid, I’m here with you.
MissingNo: Is there something more than this?
Linkara: I think so.
MissingNo: What if there is not?
Linkara: Then…at least have a good run before it ends.
MissingNo: Is this…
[He dissolves into static and is gone. Linkara sighs, it’s over. We cut back to Comicron-1, where Vyce saw the whole thing on the vid screen.]
Vyce: No. NO, [slams his fist on the arm rest of his chair] IT”S A TRICK! IT’S STILL ALIVE! [Presses some buttons on his arm rest]
Harvey Finevoice: What the hell are you doing?!
Vyce: I HAVE INCREASED POWER TO SINGULARITY GENERATORS; THERE IS NO ESCAPE NOW!
Harvey: NIMS, LOCK HIM OUT!
NIMUE: Unable to comply, [Vyce aims his laser weapon at Linksano] this unit no longer full control of Comicron-1.
[90s Kid tries to rush Vyce, but Vyce knock him aside. Back outside, the satellites of Earth fire more energy at the portal, causing it to expand and grow.]
Vyce: IN 1 HOUR, THE SINGULARITY WILL BE LARGE ENOUGH TO ENGULF THE EARTH ITSELF; THE ENTITY WILL NOT ESCAPE THIS TIME! THEIR SACRIFICE WILL NOT BE IN VAIN! I WILL KILL THE ENTITy! BEHOLD, THE END OF THIS GAME! [Holds out his arms] LORD VICE WINS!
[Cut to black with the caption: “To be continued.” We then cut to the end credits]
My compliments to anyone who skipped through a bunch of storytelling just to get to the end credits text.
If it seems like I'm pedantic about everyday objects not being made for ponies, remember that the writing of this world already substitutes common terminology with horse-related ones like "somepony" instead of "someone," so why does it only stop there?
[After the credits, there is a split screen showing the title card and the poster for the 80s film, “Bachelor Part,” which the title card is paying homage to.]
Linkara [v/o]: I love how the title card for this episode is a reference to an 80s movie that wasn’t referenced in these comics. Sorry, Bachelor Party.
[To be concluded in Stormwatch #0]