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Mulan II
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Released
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August 28, 2019
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Running Time
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26:58
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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TBA
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Link
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(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the show opening and NC at his table)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Mulan.
(Footage of Mulan is shown)
NC (vo): When it first came out, it was a critical and box office hit, but its following seems to have grown bigger and bigger with every passing year. Though I personally found the film okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see what drew so many people to it. Its songs are catchy, its comedy is decent, and its lead, though nothing new by movie standards, was kind of different in terms of animated Disney standards. (An image of the Disney Princesses is shown) Say what you will about their heroines, but chances are, if you were the animated lead of a Disney movie, you probably weren't going to do much swordplay. Hell, one of the few times they did, she'd have to pretend to be a boy. Think about that. So, yeah, while nothing groundbreaking, Mulan still manages to keep folks coming back... (The poster for the upcoming 2020 live-action remake is shown) ...even to a point where people are concerned Disney's going to ruin their childhood with another live-action cash-grab.
NC: (smiling) Well, I have good news, my concerned fans. Disney ruined that property long before that version will ever come out!
(The title of Mulan II is shown, before showing its footage)
NC (vo): During the age where Disney would slap a popular name on low quality shit as long as it made them money...
NC: Ah, such different times. (An image of the main characters of Disney's live-action remakes is shown)
NC (vo): ...dozens of their animated movies were given the direct-to-DVD sequel treatment, and Mulan was one of those to be dragged in at sword-point. Even as a person who had no extreme feelings for the original, I feel just as insulted as, no doubt, the majority of fans who saw this did. It's easily among the Top 5 of the worst Disney DVD sequels. And if you know their lineup, that's no small feat! So, how does this movie punch your childhood so hard, it'll make your ancestors bleed?
NC: Well, let's make a sap out of you to find out. This is Mulan II.
(The movie begins in the dwelling of Mulan's ancestors, and the smoke starts coming out in it, forming various shapes)
NC (vo): The movie opens with George Takei speaking over puffs of smoke. So probably a normal evening at his house.
First Ancestor: You have ennobled the House of Fa.
NC: (as the First Ancestor, smiling widely and crossing eyes) Oh, my. I am so baked.
(It's revealed the ancestors are unwillingly celebrating the recent success of Mushu the dragon, who resides in a small bubble bath)
NC (vo): It turns out he's praising Mushu, voiced this time by Mark Moseley, as the ancestors hate glorifying him for helping Mulan save China.
First Ancestor: Mulan saves China one time, and now he thinks he's the emperor.
NC: (as the First Ancestor) It's like working with Shatner all over again.
NC (vo): We then cut to the credits, because this...
(The opening credits are shown, like in the original, over a calligraphy painting and to a soothing music)
NC (vo): ...perfectly follows this...
(Cut to Mushu at the top of the dwelling, jumping right in the bath. The ancestors blow into tubes to make bubbles)
Mushu: Whoo! Top floor! Let the whirlpool begin.
NC: Tone is more than a shade of color.
(Mulan is first shown in her father's fields, using the rake as the bo staff. Several little girls approach her, and all are impressed with Mulan's feats, wanting to be like her)
NC (vo): ...as we see Mulan, voiced again by Ming-Na Wen, teaching children about the importance of balance in both fighting and nature.
Girls: (singing) Like a rock... Ha, ha! / I must be hard! Ha, ha! / Like a oak...
NC: Okay, so far, not too bad, but do you notice a strange change in animation?
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, it's still Disney with nice colors and line work, and, honestly, compared to some of their other DVD sequels, this is a lot better, but everyone, for some reason, is animated like they're comic relief.
(Two clips from the original are shown: of Yao falling to climb a pole (down to biting his teeth into it) and of the famous "Reflection" song)
NC (vo): In the original, their funny characters move funny, but when the main characters need to move with purpose, strength or elegance, they seem more solid so you can read the subtlety of their expressions and body language.
(Back to the sequel)
NC (vo): Here, everybody is bouncy and over-the-top, like their acting coach was (photo of...) a wavy arm balloon at a car dealership. Just look at how Mulan laughs here!
(Cut to a beginning of the scene, with the girls imitating fighting and giggling. Mulan laughs cheerfully while watching them...and because she's standing in a distance, her happy expression appears to be kind of creepy. NC, noticing this, starts feeling uneasy as the menacing music plays and it cuts back and forth between him and the clip of Mulan laughing, ending with a slow-mo variant)
NC: (nervously) Honey, I don't think she should babysit our kids.
Mulan: (singing) Like an oak... Ha! / You must stand firm! Ha, ha!
NC (vo; as a girl): Mulan, why does your singing voice sound like Jasmine? (as Mulan) Shut up. It sound like Chun-Li from (poster of...) Street Fighter...damn it, you made me reference that movie!
(Li Shang, now a general, arrives on his horse and asks Mulan for her hand in marriage, which she happily accepts)
NC (vo): Shang approaches, played again by BD Wong... (The poster for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is shown) God, he has a knack for picking sequels...as he proposes to Mulan, who excitedly agrees.
(Cut to Mushu sobbing next to Mulan)
Mushu: (sniffles) Oh, what a happy, happy day!
NC: (grinning) Wow! It's like instant annoyance!
NC (vo): Just add Mushu, and tears of sadness will follow.
Mushu: I'm just so happy for me.
Mulan: Are you crying again?
Mushu: No, I just got some exfoliating cream in my eye. Of course I'm crying, girl! What you think?!
NC: You're like a bad...
(A kids menu of a Chinese restaurant is shown with Mushu's picture on it)
NC (vo): ...Chinese buffet kids menu mascot. Passable on paper, a nightmare in every other realm!
Mushu: You know, I'm the guy that gave you and pretty boy the hook-up. Am I a guardian, or am I a guardian?
NC (vo; as Mushu): Or am I a white guy pretending to be a black guy? I thought (photo of...) John DiMaggio was the only one who could do that.
(The ancestors all cheer after hearing that Mulan will marry Shang. The First Ancestor tells Mushu that if Mulan gets married to Shang, she would become a part of his family, which would mean that Shang's family ancestors and guardians would become hers. Thus, Mushu will lose his job as a guardian dragon and have to leave Mulan and his pedestal)
NC (vo): Back at the ancestors' temple, it looks like Mulan and Shang getting married means Mushu will be out of a job, as the husband's ancestors will take over as the guardians.
Mushu: (grasping onto his pedestal as the First Ancestor takes him) I ain't going out like this!
First Ancestor: Hear me, you lazy lounge lizard.
NC: (as the First Ancestor) Again, something I tell Shatner a lot!
(A messenger appears and informs Shang and Mulan that the Emperor of China needs to see them, so they comply)
NC (vo): A messenger from the Emperor arrives, though, to give Mulan a kind of plot.
Emperor: Mongol forces are moving closer. (walks down stairs) Our army is hopelessly outnumbered.
NC: (rubs hands excitedly) Okay, after all this talk of romance and marriage and such, now we're gonna get to what Mulan fans really want to see...
(The action scenes from the first film are shown)
NC (vo): ...fighting, swordplay, martial arts, explosions! Let's do this!
Shang: Let me lead my forces in a preemptive strike. Each of my warriors will fight like ten Mongols.
NC: (sings, clenching his fists as if preparing to fight) Let's get down to busi--
Emperor: No, General.
NC: (becomes confused) ...ness?
Emperor: (points to a map that shows the border between China and Mongol Empire) Instead, we will become united with the kingdom of Qui Gong through marriage.
NC: (waves hand) Oh, we're doing Brave! Yeah, you remember that movie?
(Stills from this film are shown)
NC (vo): You know, where they make it look like the main character's gonna kick ass, but it's actually about diplomacy and she rarely fights anyone? And when she does, she sucks? Congrats, Mulan fans! You got exactly what you were waiting for!
NC: Eh, maybe the Disney Channel will give us something-- (The poster for Kim Possible: The Movie appears, instantly annoying him) Good God!
Emperor: You will escort three princesses to Qui Gong.
NC (vo): And yes, by the way, this is the plot. No fighting wars, no clever strategy, no everything that people liked Mulan for. They're just chaperoning three princesses for a marriage.
Emperor: (as Mulan walks close to him) My daughters know exactly what they're doing.
NC: It's like a Back to the Future sequel...
(The Photoshopped shot is shown, with Marty McFly and Doc Brown's faces edited onto two cooks in the kitchen, with a title below: "Cooking with Petroleum")
NC (vo): ...becoming a cooking show.
NC: Bizarrely, that's not what we're looking for!
NC (vo): But Mulan is totally down for millions of people being slaughtered, as long as it means someone doesn't have to marry if they're not in love.
Emperor: They consider it an honor to marry in the cause of peace.
Mulan: l...
Emperor: Apology accepted.
NC: Wow! The Emperor's a dick!
Emperor: Apology accepted.
NC (vo; as the Emperor): Oh, and babe, give me a soda. Feminist!
Shang: We must become one with the countryside.
Emperor: How many troops do you estimate you will need?
Shang: Three.
Emperor: Three companies?
Shang: Three men.
(Cut to Yao, Ling and Chien-Po being kicked out of the matchmaker's house because they are hopeless)
NC (vo): So they decide to trust the fate of the Emperor's daughters with men so horny, they literally sing the exact same song about banging from the first film.
Yao, Ling and Chien-Po: (singing while brawling with other men) Wish that I had / A girl worth fighting for!
Yao: (kicks Chen-Po in the stomach) Suck in your gut.
Yao, Ling and Chien-Po: (singing and pointing to a woman pouring tea) There's a girl worth fighting for!
NC: (as a director, holding a paper list) It sounds like I'm paying you for the exact same song. (as a writer) Oh, no. It's sung during a barroom brawl. (as a director) That makes it completely different. Here's all the monies.
(A bag of money appears in front of NC as a writer with a cash register sound)
Shang: I need you to join Mulan and me on a mission.
Ling: To save China?
Mulan: Naturally.
NC: (as one of the guys, puts up fists) Who are we fighting? (as Mulan, dreamily) The injustice of the patriarchy. (as one of the guys, looking down) You don't want a Mulan 3, huh?
(At night, Mulan and Shang wait for three daughters)
NC (vo): By the way, see if you understand the scene introducing the Emperor's daughters.
(The shadow looms over the wall, looking shapeless as the sound of a rattle is heard...and then, three daughters of the Emperor, Ting-Ting, Mei and Su, appear in person. NC looks disturbed)
NC: (as one of the girls) Were we a...
NC (vo; as one of the girls): ...three-headed snake monster for a minute? (as another one) No, it's Mulan II. Nothing cool would be in this.
(Walking in the carriage, Princess Mei loses her left shoe. Yao rushes to pick it up)
NC (vo): One of the women, though, drops her shoe, because if this movie's not gonna be Mulan, why not be Cinderella?
(Yao gives the shoe to Mei, and she puts it back on as she blushes, covering half of her face with a fan)
NC: This moment brought to you by Quentin Tarantino. No, wait.
(The scene is repeated, but with a red filter, a zoom-in on a shoe and sensual music playing)
NC: (nods, smiling) Now it's brought to you by Quentin Tarantino.
Shang: (to the princesses) Permit me to introduce Fa Mulan.
Mei: It is a privilege to meet the hero of China.
Mulan: (hands over blankets to the girls) You might need this. It's a little chilly.
(The first movie's title appears to a triumphant music)
NC (vo; in a booming voice): Mulan! Bringer of blankets and savior of China!
(Mulan, Shang and the princesses leave China. Zoom in to Mulan and Shang's horses with serious expressions on their faces)
NC (vo): The journey begins, and man, even the horses look pissed off to be in this movie! (as Khan the horse) Hell with this shit, man. I was a cow in the first film!
(The carriage passes over green fields)
NC (vo): Let's hear some of that stellar direct-to-DVD writing.
Mulan: I realize our duty is to the mission...
Shang: But?
Mulan: But I have another duty, (motions towards herself) to my heart.
(A Photoshopped fist instantly hits NC in the chest)
NC: Ow! That line was so bad, it physically assaulted me!
(Mei peeks in the small window to look at Yao, whom she was charmed by)
NC (vo): But one of the princesses seems to have the hots for chubby Popeye.
Mei: Did you see the way he looked at me?
Ting-Ting: The gorilla with the bad eye?
Mei: (hugging pillow) He's more like a big, cuddly panda bear.
NC: (as Mei, hand on cheek) He's such a handsome ugly guy.
Su: But you didn't even talk to him.
Mei: A true romantic can tell.
Su: (excitedly hugs Mei) Ting-Ting! I think she's in love!
NC (vo): Aw. Isn't that nice? Arranged marriages are bad, but confessing your love to a total stranger is fine. (The poster for Frozen appears as NC whispers) You're just nine years away. Nine years away.
(Mei goes to Mulan, who is unpacking outside for a camp)
Mei: Fa Mulan?
Mulan: Your Highness, is anything wrong?
NC: (takes out a marker) Mmm. Let's change that line.
(NC's arm crosses out "wrong?" in the shown script and writes "right?" in its place)
NC: There we go. (grins cheekily) Not a single thing.
Mei: I just wanted to compliment you. You were so brave to take your father's place in the army.
NC: You see? We replace all the action in this movie by reminding you there was action in the first one.
(The caption "We're a $130 billion company!" appears below the smiling NC with a "ta-da" sound)
Mei: How did you decide between duty and heart?
Mulan: I guess I learned that my duty is to my heart.
Mei: (looking thoughtful) My duty is to my heart.
NC: (crosses arms) Man, you can tell they thought so highly of that line, they just had to repeat it over and over.
(Various clips are played)
Mulan: But I have another duty, to my heart.
Mei: How did you decide between duty and heart?
Mulan: ...my duty is to my heart.
Mei: My duty is to my heart.
NC: (as a writer, holding several papers) Guys, I got it, I got it! "Then Mulan says, "Not bad...is good." (celebrates as confetti falls from above and the caption "WE CONQUERED WRITING!" flashes below him)
(Mushu is shown secretly planning to tear the couple apart, having noticed that they are not very compatible, while Cri-Kee the cricket tries to foil his attempts and keep the couple together)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Mushu, wanting to keep his job as guardian, tries to sabotage Shang and Mulan's marriage by forcing them to split up.
Mushu: (peeking from Mulan's bag, looking at the camera) Just enough time to stop Mulan from making the biggest mistake of my...I mean, uh, her life.
NC: Oh, yeah. He's 100% the villain of this picture! Even Scar would be like...
(The shot of Scar from The Lion King is shown)
Scar (voiced by NC): What a little psycho.
(Cut to Mulan and Shang fishing. Mushu takes a hook on Shang's pole and affixes it on his belt)
Shang: Watch this.
(He pulls the string, only to fall in the water himself)
NC (vo; as Mulan): Oh. You tripped. Marriage is off.
(Mushu unstraps the bridle on Shang's horse, making Shang to fall under the horse. Mulan lowers herself under Khan and kisses Shang in the cheek. Mushu throws a fit above them)
NC (vo; as Mushu): Damn it! I forgot they were insane!
NC: Yeah, seriously, if my fiancee did that, like..."Hey!"
NC (vo): "We should both be near our horses' dicks!"
NC: That's when I call off the wedding!
(Mulan watches Shang running away from bees with a hive on his head, then screaming, followed by several animals)
NC: This dude led an army against the Huns, and he's running away...
NC (vo): ...from a squirrel, a skunk, a porcupine, and a mouse?
NC: Even the Cowardly Lion would be like...
(The shot of the Cowardly Lion from 1939's Wizard of Oz is shown)
Cowardly Lion (voiced by NC): Dude, seriously, grow a pair.
NC: (points towards camera as this shot and of Scar pop up) All future snide comments will be lion-related!
(In despair, Mushu causes the carriage to roll away with the princesses and the guys)
NC (vo): Mushu's antics send the carriage spiraling out of control...
NC: Again, he adds so much to this movie.
(Shang and Mulan rush towards the loose carriage on their horses)
NC (vo): ...as everyone tries to save the princesses inside.
(Shang sees that they're headed towards a cliff)
Shang: Mulan! The rope!
(He tosses the rope to Mulan. She straps it on Khan's bridle along with Shang, and they both try to keep the carriage from falling)
NC: Good to know the first major near-death action sequence of this movie comes...
NC (vo): ...from the friggin' comic relief!
NC: I think this Red Dragon would be less dangerous! (Francis Dolarhyde from Red Dragon (2002) is shown)
(The carriage eventually falls and breaks down while everybody falls into the river. Several fruits appear above the water first one by one...and then Su)
NC: ...Thank God they let us know the fruit was okay first. (shrugs, baffled)
(Mushu walks out of the water)
NC (vo): But just because he failed at killing our main leads doesn't mean he has to fail at killing their relationship.
Mushu: I bet he and Mulan are two nasty words away from an all-out feud.
NC: I have two nasty words for you. (gets angry) Ffff...
(NC's lip movements speak for themselves, as we go to a commercial)