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Mulan II

Mulan ii nc

Released
August 28, 2019
Running Time
26:58
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(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the show opening and NC at his table)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Mulan.

(Footage of Mulan is shown)

NC (vo): When it first came out, it was a critical and box office hit, but its following seems to have grown bigger and bigger with every passing year. Though I personally found the film okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see what drew so many people to it. Its songs are catchy, its comedy is decent, and its lead, though nothing new by movie standards, was kind of different in terms of animated Disney standards. (An image of the Disney Princesses is shown) Say what you will about their heroines, but chances are, if you were the animated lead of a Disney movie, you probably weren't going to do much swordplay. Hell, one of the few times they did, she'd have to pretend to be a boy. Think about that. So, yeah, while nothing groundbreaking, Mulan still manages to keep folks coming back... (The poster for the upcoming 2020 live-action remake is shown) ...even to a point where people are concerned Disney's going to ruin their childhood with another live-action cash-grab.

NC: (smiling) Well, I have good news, my concerned fans. Disney ruined that property long before that version will ever come out!

(The title of Mulan II is shown, before showing its footage)

NC (vo): During the age where Disney would slap a popular name on low quality shit as long as it made them money...

NC: Ah, such different times. (An image of the main characters of Disney's live-action remakes is shown)

NC (vo): ...dozens of their animated movies were given the direct-to-DVD sequel treatment, and Mulan was one of those to be dragged in at sword-point. Even as a person who had no extreme feelings for the original, I feel just as insulted as, no doubt, the majority of fans who saw this did. It's easily among the Top 5 of the worst Disney DVD sequels. And if you know their lineup, that's no small feat! So, how does this movie punch your childhood so hard, it'll make your ancestors bleed?

NC: Well, let's make a sap out of you to find out. This is Mulan II.

(The movie begins in the temple of Mulan's ancestors, and the smoke starts coming out in it, forming various shapes)

NC (vo): The movie opens with George Takei speaking over puffs of smoke. So probably a normal evening at his house.

First Ancestor: You have ennobled the House of Fa.

NC: (as the First Ancestor, smiling widely and crossing eyes) Oh, my. I am so baked.

(It's revealed the ancestors are unwillingly celebrating the recent success of Mushu the dragon, who resides in a small bubble bath)

NC (vo): It turns out he's praising Mushu, voiced this time by Mark Moseley, as the ancestors hate glorifying him for helping Mulan save China.

First Ancestor: Mulan saves China one time, and now he thinks he's the emperor.

NC: (as the First Ancestor) It's like working with Shatner all over again.

NC (vo): We then cut to the credits, because this...

(The opening credits are shown, like in the original, over a calligraphy painting and to a soothing music)

NC (vo): ...perfectly follows this...

(Cut to Mushu at the top of the dwelling, jumping right in the bath. The ancestors blow into tubes to make bubbles)

Mushu: Whoo! Top floor! Let the whirlpool begin.

NC: Tone is more than a shade of color.

(Mulan is first shown in her father's fields, using the rake as the bo staff. Several little girls approach her, and all are impressed with Mulan's feats, wanting to be like her)

NC (vo): ...as we see Mulan, voiced again by Ming-Na Wen, teaching children about the importance of balance in both fighting and nature.

Girls: (singing) Like a rock... Ha, ha! / I must be hard! Ha, ha! / Like a oak...

NC: Okay, so far, not too bad, but do you notice a strange change in animation?

NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, it's still Disney with nice colors and line work, and, honestly, compared to some of their other DVD sequels, this is a lot better, but everyone, for some reason, is animated like they're comic relief.

(Two clips from the original are shown: of Yao falling to climb a pole (down to biting his teeth into it) and of the famous "Reflection" song)

NC (vo): In the original, their funny characters move funny, but when the main characters need to move with purpose, strength or elegance, they seem more solid so you can read the subtlety of their expressions and body language.

(Back to the sequel)

NC (vo): Here, everybody is bouncy and over-the-top, like their acting coach was (photo of...) a wavy arm balloon at a car dealership. Just look at how Mulan laughs here!

(Cut to a beginning of the scene, with the girls imitating fighting and giggling. Mulan laughs cheerfully while watching them...and because she's standing in a distance, her happy expression appears to be kind of creepy. NC, noticing this, starts feeling uneasy as the menacing music plays and it cuts back and forth between him and the clip of Mulan laughing, ending with a slow-mo variant)

NC: (nervously) Honey, I don't think she should babysit our kids.

Mulan: (singing) Like an oak... Ha! / You must stand firm! Ha, ha!

NC (vo; as a girl): Mulan, why does your singing voice sound like Jasmine? (as Mulan) Shut up. It sounds like Chun-Li from (poster of...) Street Fighter...damn it, you made me reference that movie!

(Li Shang, now a general, arrives on his horse and asks Mulan for her hand in marriage, which she happily accepts)

NC (vo): Shang approaches, played again by BD Wong... (The poster for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is shown) God, he has a knack for picking sequels...as he proposes to Mulan, who excitedly agrees.

(Cut to Mushu sobbing next to Mulan)

Mushu: (sniffles) Oh, what a happy, happy day!

NC: (grinning) Wow! It's like instant annoyance!

NC (vo): Just add Mushu, and tears of sadness will follow.

Mushu: I'm just so happy for me.

Mulan: Are you crying again?

Mushu: No, I just got some exfoliating cream in my eye. Of course I'm crying, girl! What you think?!

NC: You're like a bad...

(A kids menu of a Chinese restaurant is shown with Mushu's picture on it)

NC (vo): ...Chinese buffet kids menu mascot. Passable on paper, a nightmare in every other realm!

Mushu: You know, I'm the guy that gave you and pretty boy the hook-up. Am I a guardian, or am I a guardian?

NC (vo; as Mushu): Or am I a white guy pretending to be a black guy? I thought (photo of...) John DiMaggio was the only one who could do that.

(The ancestors all cheer after hearing that Mulan will marry Shang. The First Ancestor tells Mushu that if Mulan gets married to Shang, she would become a part of his family, which would mean that Shang's family ancestors and guardians would become hers. Thus, Mushu will lose his job as a guardian dragon and have to leave Mulan and his pedestal)

NC (vo): Back at the ancestors' temple, it looks like Mulan and Shang getting married means Mushu will be out of a job, as the husband's ancestors will take over as the guardians.

Mushu: (grasping onto his pedestal as the First Ancestor takes him) I ain't going out like this!

First Ancestor: Hear me, you lazy lounge lizard.

NC: (as the First Ancestor) Again, something I tell Shatner a lot!

(A messenger appears and informs Shang and Mulan that the Emperor of China needs to see them, so they comply)

NC (vo): A messenger from the Emperor arrives, though, to give Mulan a kind of plot.

Emperor: Mongol forces are moving closer. (walks down stairs) Our army is hopelessly outnumbered.

NC: (rubs hands excitedly) Okay, after all this talk of romance and marriage and such, now we're gonna get to what Mulan fans really want to see...

(The action scenes from the first film are shown)

NC (vo): ...fighting, swordplay, martial arts, explosions! Let's do this!

Shang: Let me lead my forces in a preemptive strike. Each of my warriors will fight like ten Mongols.

NC: (sings, clenching his fists as if preparing to fight) Let's get down to busi--

Emperor: No, General.

NC: (becomes confused) ...ness?

Emperor: (points to a map that shows the border between China and Mongol Empire) Instead, we will become united with the kingdom of Qui Gong through marriage.

NC: (waves hand) Oh, we're doing Brave! Yeah, you remember that movie?

(Stills from this film are shown)

NC (vo): You know, where they make it look like the main character's gonna kick ass, but it's actually about diplomacy and she rarely fights anyone? And when she does, she sucks? Congrats, Mulan fans! You got exactly what you were waiting for!

NC: Eh, maybe the Disney Channel will give us something-- (The poster for Kim Possible: The Movie appears, instantly annoying him) Good God!

Emperor: You will escort three princesses to Qui Gong.

NC (vo): And yes, by the way, this is the plot. No fighting wars, no clever strategy, no everything that people liked Mulan for. They're just chaperoning three princesses for a marriage.

Emperor: (as Mulan walks close to him) My daughters know exactly what they're doing.

NC: It's like a Back to the Future sequel...

(The Photoshopped shot is shown, with Marty McFly and Doc Brown's faces edited onto two cooks in the kitchen, with a title below: "Cooking with Petroleum")

NC (vo): ...becoming a cooking show.

NC: Bizarrely, that's not what we're looking for!

NC (vo): But Mulan is totally down for millions of people being slaughtered, as long as it means someone doesn't have to marry if they're not in love.

Emperor: They consider it an honor to marry in the cause of peace.

Mulan: l...

Emperor: Apology accepted.

NC: Wow! The Emperor's a dick!

Emperor: Apology accepted.

NC (vo; as the Emperor): Oh, and, babe, give me a soda. Feminist!

Shang: We must become one with the countryside.

Emperor: How many troops do you estimate you will need?

Shang: Three.

Emperor: Three companies?

Shang: Three men.

(Cut to Yao, Ling and Chien-Po being kicked out of the matchmaker's house because they are hopeless)

NC (vo): So they decide to trust the fate of the Emperor's daughters with men so horny, they literally sing the exact same song about banging from the first film.

Yao, Ling and Chien-Po: (singing while brawling with other men) Wish that I had / A girl worth fighting for!

Yao: (kicks Chen-Po in the stomach) Suck in your gut.

Yao, Ling and Chien-Po: (singing and pointing to a woman pouring tea) There's a girl worth fighting for!

NC: (as a director, holding a paper list) It sounds like I'm paying you for the exact same song. (as a writer) Oh, no. It's sung during a barroom brawl. (as a director) That makes it completely different. Here's all the monies.

(A bag of money appears in front of NC as a writer with a cash register sound)

Shang: I need you to join Mulan and me on a mission.

Ling: To save China?

Mulan: Naturally.

NC: (as one of the guys, puts up fists) Who are we fighting? (as Mulan, dreamily) The injustice of the patriarchy. (as one of the guys, looking down) You don't want a Mulan 3, huh?

(At night, Mulan and Shang wait for the three daughters)

NC (vo): By the way, see if you understand the scene introducing the Emperor's daughters.

(The shadow looms over the wall, looking shapeless as the sound of a rattle is heard...and then, the three daughters of the Emperor, Ting-Ting, Mei and Su, appear in person. NC looks disturbed)

NC: (as one of the girls) Were we a...

NC (vo; as one of the girls): ...three-headed snake monster for a minute? (as another one) No, it's Mulan II. Nothing cool would be in this.

(Walking in the carriage, Princess Mei loses her left shoe. Yao rushes to pick it up)

NC (vo): One of the women, though, drops her shoe, because if this movie's not gonna be Mulan, why not be Cinderella?

(Yao gives the shoe to Mei, and she puts it back on as she blushes, covering half of her face with a fan)

NC: This moment brought to you by Quentin Tarantino. No, wait.

(The scene is repeated, but with a red filter, a zoom-in on a shoe and sensual music playing)

NC: (nods, smiling) Now it's brought to you by Quentin Tarantino.

Shang: (to the princesses) Permit me to introduce Fa Mulan.

Mei: It is a privilege to meet the hero of China.

Mulan: (hands over blankets to the girls) You might need this. It's a little chilly.

(The first movie's title appears to a triumphant music)

NC (vo; in a booming voice): Mulan! Bringer of blankets and savior of China!

(Mulan, Shang and the princesses leave China. Zoom in to Mulan and Shang's horses with serious expressions on their faces)

NC (vo): The journey begins, and, man, even the horses look pissed off to be in this movie! (as Khan the horse) Hell with this shit, man. I was a cow in the first film!

(The carriage passes over green fields)

NC (vo): Let's hear some of that stellar direct-to-DVD writing.

Mulan: I realize our duty is to the mission...

Shang: But?

Mulan: But I have another duty, (motions towards herself) to my heart.

(A Photoshopped fist instantly hits NC in the chest)

NC: Ow! That line was so bad, it physically assaulted me!

(Mei peeks in the small window to look at Yao, whom she was charmed by)

NC (vo): But one of the princesses seems to have the hots for chubby Popeye.

Mei: Did you see the way he looked at me?

Ting-Ting: The gorilla with the bad eye?

Mei: (hugging pillow) He's more like a big, cuddly panda bear.

NC: (as Mei, hand on cheek) He's such a handsome ugly guy.

Su: But you didn't even talk to him.

Mei: A true romantic can tell.

Su: (excitedly hugs Mei) Ting-Ting! I think she's in love!

NC (vo): Aw. Isn't that nice? Arranged marriages are bad, but confessing your love to a total stranger is fine. (The poster for Frozen appears as NC whispers) You're just nine years away. Nine years away.

(Mei goes to Mulan, who is unpacking outside for a camp)

Mei: Fa Mulan?

Mulan: Your Highness, is anything wrong?

NC: (takes out a marker) Mmm. Let's change that line.

(NC's arm crosses out "wrong?" in the shown script and writes "right?" in its place)

NC: There we go. (grins cheekily) Not a single thing.

Mei: I just wanted to compliment you. You were so brave to take your father's place in the army.

NC: You see? We replace all the action in this movie by reminding you there was action in the first one.

(The caption "We're a $130 billion company!" appears below the smiling NC with a "ta-da" sound)

Mei: How did you decide between duty and heart?

Mulan: I guess I learned that my duty is to my heart.

Mei: (looking thoughtful) My duty is to my heart.

NC: (crosses arms) Man, you can tell they thought so highly of that line, they just had to repeat it over and over.

(Various clips are played)

Mulan: But I have another duty, to my heart.

Mei: How did you decide between duty and heart?

Mulan: ...my duty is to my heart.

Mei: My duty is to my heart.

NC: (as a writer, holding several papers) Guys, I got it, I got it! "Then Mulan says, "Not bad...is good." (celebrates as confetti falls from above and the caption "WE CONQUERED WRITING!" flashes below him)

(Mushu is shown secretly planning to tear the couple apart, having noticed that they are not very compatible, while Cri-Kee the cricket tries to foil his attempts and keep the couple together)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Mushu, wanting to keep his job as guardian, tries to sabotage Shang and Mulan's marriage by forcing them to split up.

Mushu: (peeking from Mulan's bag, looking at the camera) Just enough time to stop Mulan from making the biggest mistake of my...I mean, uh, her life.

NC: Oh, yeah. He's 100% the villain of this picture! Even Scar would be like...

(The shot of Scar from The Lion King is shown)

Scar (voiced by NC): What a little psycho.

(Cut to Mulan and Shang fishing. Mushu takes a hook on Shang's pole and affixes it on his belt)

Shang: Watch this.

(He pulls the string, only to fall in the water himself)

NC (vo; as Mulan): Oh. You tripped. Marriage is off.

(Mushu unstraps the bridle on Shang's horse, making Shang fall under the horse. Mulan lowers herself under Khan and kisses Shang in the cheek. Mushu throws a fit above them)

NC (vo; as Mushu): Damn it! I forgot they were insane!

NC: Yeah, seriously, if my fiancee did that, like..."Hey!"

NC (vo): "We should both be near our horses' dicks!"

NC: That's when I call off the wedding!

(Mulan watches Shang running away from bees with a hive on his head, then screaming, followed by several animals)

NC: This dude led an army against the Huns, and he's running away...

NC (vo): ...from a squirrel, a skunk, a porcupine, and a mouse?

NC: Even the Cowardly Lion would be like...

(The shot of the Cowardly Lion from 1939's Wizard of Oz is shown)

Cowardly Lion (voiced by NC): Dude, seriously, grow a pair.

NC: (points towards camera as this shot and of Scar pop up) All future snide comments will be lion-related!

(In despair, Mushu causes the carriage to roll away with the princesses and the guys)

NC (vo): Mushu's antics send the carriage spiraling out of control...

NC: Again, he adds so much to this movie.

(Shang and Mulan rush towards the loose carriage on their horses)

NC (vo): ...as everyone tries to save the princesses inside.

(Shang sees that they're headed towards a cliff)

Shang: Mulan! The rope!

(He tosses the rope to Mulan. She straps it on Khan's bridle along with Shang, and they both try to keep the carriage from falling)

NC: Good to know the first major near-death action sequence of this movie comes...

NC (vo): ...from the friggin' comic relief!

NC: I think this Red Dragon would be less dangerous! (Francis Dolarhyde from Red Dragon (2002) is shown)

(The carriage eventually falls and breaks down while everybody falls into the river. Several fruits appear above the water first one by one...and then Su)

NC: ...Thank God they let us know the fruit was okay first. (shrugs, baffled)

(Mushu walks out of the water)

NC (vo): But just because he failed at killing our main leads doesn't mean he has to fail at killing their relationship.

Mushu: I bet he and Mulan are two nasty words away from an all-out feud.

NC: I have two nasty words for you. (gets angry) Ffff...

(NC's lip movements speak for themselves, as we go to a commercial. After returning, we're shown a small clip from the first movie's "I'll Make a Man Out of You" sequence, with Mulan managing to climb the pole and throw the arrow that was above on the ground, leading to her campmates cheering for her. Cut back to the sequel, where at night, Mulan and Shang look over the damaged map and argue where should they go)

NC (vo): So in the original, by this point, our leads were challenging society's gender roles and fighting cultural stereotypes. Here, they bicker over directions.

NC: Yeah, that dumb shit!

Mulan: (teasingly) What is it with men and asking directions?

Shang: What is it with women and maps?!

Mulan: Oh, you're saying women can't read maps?

Shang: I'm saying the women will ask...

NC: (snickers and waves off) Oh, men are from Beijing, women are from Shanghai. (through clenched teeth) And this movie is from the anus of HELL!

(The first film's title appears again)

NC (vo; in a booming voice): Mulan! Conqueror of directions and savior of China!

(Mulan and Shang's amulets get tied up together, and they chuckle in embarrassment. Mulan unties them)

Mulan: I'd better go. I've got the first watch.

NC: (chuckling) Don't worry, they've all been kidnapped. (The later shot of the movie that shows the Mongols kidnapping the princesses appears) The Emperor is paying the ransom as we speak.

NC (vo): The princesses, of course, find they have an attraction for each guard. In fact, one of them was even writing a runaway letter, saying she had to follow her heart.

Mei: (writing on a paper alone) I have come to realize that my duty is to my heart.

NC: Cute. Let me tell you about the hearts that will be ripped out of people's chests if you don't continue this mission!

NC (vo): Okay, so personally, I'm not down for arranged marriages, I know it's not a big surprise. But in movies like Aladdin, Pocahontas and so forth, that alone is the only stakes involved.

NC: This is literally...

NC (vo): ...the deaths of millions of people if they don't go through with it! I'm sorry, that's more important! If you had some sort of clever workaround, I would understand, but the movie's not presenting anything like that! Speaking of which, how long have you known this guy you're willing to let millions die for?

(Cut back to Shang and Mulan at the Emperor's palace)

Emperor: If this wedding does not take place in three days...

NC: Three days?! You're gonna let tons of families get slaughtered for a guy you've known for three days?!?

NC (vo): He's not even that great a guy! Remember this from the original?

(We're shown the snippet from "A Girl Worth Fighting For" from the first film)

Mulan: (singing, as "Ping") How 'bout a girl who's got a brain... / ...who always speaks her mind?

Yao, Ling and Chien-Po: (wave off in dismissal) Nah.

NC: That could be you! You could be the silent, mute slave who can't thoughts! (points to his head)

(The song "Like Other Girls" begins, which is about Mei, Ting-Ting and Su wanting to live normal lives and not to worry about anything)

NC (vo): It looks like all of them feel the same way now, as they sing about how great it would be if they didn't have the responsibilities of being a princess. You know, for one of Disney's most marketable titles, there sure are a lot of songs about how it sucks to be one. (As he says that, shots from "Part of Your World", "Colors of the Wind" and "How Far I'll Go" sequences are shown)

(The princesses giggle in their beds. This is heard by Chien-Po outside, who smiles)

NC: (flummoxed) Guess he got his jerk-off fantasy for the night.

(Mushu brings out self-made human mannequins outside of the tent and wakes Shang up to imitate that Mulan is scolding him)

NC (vo): Hey, where's that lizard demon we're supposed to find charming? Oh, look! He's making it look like Mulan's calling Shang an idiot and...gasp! Even mocking his bad breath!

Mushu: (imitating Mulan) Except for that garlic breath. Oooh, man, that boy can peel paint!

(Shang covers his mouth in shock and gets up)

NC: Was Mushu hired by the Mongols? He's doing more damage right now than they are!

(Shang angrily approaches Mulan, his mouth still covered)

NC (vo): I'll just let this scene speak for itself.

Shang: Don't play coy. I saw you outside my tent.

Mulan: I haven't left my post.

Shang: And I suppose you weren't gossiping about me with the princesses.

NC: (double-facepalming) This is the stupidest thing we've ever stupid!

Mulan: Why are you talking with your hand over your mouth?

Shang: I wouldn't want to peel your paint!

(He walks away as Mulan and Cri-Kee drop their jaws, stunned)

NC: ...What is that, Chinese slur for something?

NC (vo): I'm discovering so much. Saying "peel your paint", (The 2019 shot of Chris Cuomo is shown) calling someone "Fredo"...there are sorts of stuff I didn't know were offensive.

NC: And in the great tradition of awkwardly paused Disney frames...

(As he says this, three freeze-frames of weird expressions are shown: of Belle from Belle's Magical World, Ursula from The Little Mermaid and Aladdin's titular character)

NC: ...here's another one to add to your collection.

Shang: (sharply turns back to Mulan and speaks with rough, expressive animation) And next time, don't leave your post! (storms off)

(The scene is repeated in slow-mo)

NC: (horrified) My God! It's like what Damien saw...

(Shang's angry face is shown alongside the eerie white face from The Exorcist)

NC (vo): ...in the dream sequence from The Exorcist!

NC: Except, somehow, this feels more evil!

(The guys secretly take the princesses to the small village nearby, which is noticed by Mulan, who follows them. Shang later sees this as well)

NC (vo): The guards invite the princesses to the nearby village without telling Mulan, so Mulan goes to find them without telling Shang.

NC: (smiles) China is so dead.

(Mulan approaches the three couples in the village, who seem to be happy together)

NC (vo): As you'd expect, they start to fall in love, as Mulan finds them, and they confess their feelings.

Mei: Fa Mulan, it's love!

(All the girls squeal and jump in joy. The first film's title is shown once again)

NC (vo; in a booming voice): Mulan! Totally a squeal when she's gonna let China die and savior of China!

(Shang arrives to the company, looking displeased)

NC (vo): But Shang finds them and says, "Hey, remember people dying and shit?"

Shang: (walks up to the guys) I'm so sorry to interrupt your little party.

Mushu: (eating popcorn on a tree branch) Ooh, this is gonna be good!

NC: You wore this guy on shirts, kids! (Mushu's image is shown on a black shirt)

(The guys and the princesses exchange sad glances, sigh and walk away with their heads down, pouting)

NC: (grins) What an emotional powerhouse of animation.

NC (vo): Squash a bug on your neck with a chin and then seesaw away like (A drinking bird toy is shown) a toy bird that drinks water.

NC: You brought us Snow White!

NC (vo): Shang and Mulan also decide to break up, and...after hearing them talk this way, maybe they should.

Shang: The problem, Mulan, is you!

Mulan: You don't trust your heart. Sometimes, I wonder if you even have one. (Shang gasps, hurt by these words)

NC: You two are so wrong for each other, (A photo of Phil McGraw is shown) Dr. Phil says you make a great couple. (Beat) He was in Scary Movie 4!

(The group continues to ride along to Qui Gong, looking depressed, save for Mushu, satisfied by what he has seen)

NC (vo): They continue the mission, as unfunny Trogdor looks over his smashing success.

Mushu: (to Mulan) I see pretty boy isn't talking to you. And you're not talking to pretty boy. Well, you know, you can always talk to me.

NC: I'd rather talk to (shot of...) Gurgi. Yeah, I said it!

(Upon hearing Mulan telling him that he is the only true friend she ever has, Mushu becomes overwhelmed with guilt and confesses to Mulan what he had done)

NC (vo): Mushu admits, though, that he sabotaged the whole thing, which suddenly makes Mulan think there's still hope for them. (Beat) You should not.

Mushu: I was gonna lose you! And my pedestal!

Mulan: You mean you got between Shang and me so you could keep your job?!

NC: (as Mushu) Well, when you put it like that, and...anyway, I sound like terrible person!

Mulan: All those problems. They weren't us. (instantly frowns to Mushu) They were you! (Mushu pouts) I've got to talk to Shang. Tell him I love him. (rides away on Khan)

NC: Yeah, but think about it. If an Eddie Murphy dragon can split you up, something that's obviously a work of fiction, what are you gonna do when real problems arise?

(The princesses and the guys are cornered by Mongol bandits, so Mulan bonds with Shang to fight them off)

NC (vo): But, dear God! What is that? Real action in a Mulan movie? (gasps mockingly) Quick, children! Hide your heads! You're not ready!

(One of the bandits grabs and takes Mei)

Yao: Mei!

(Mei screams as she's carried away)

NC: Thank God they traveled with as few soldiers as possible. How'd that conversation go again?

(Cut back to Mulan and Shang speaking to the Emperor)

Shang: Three.

Emperor: Three companies?

Shang: Three men.

Emperor: These are my children.

Shang: We must become one with the countryside.

(Back to the Mongols fighting with the guys and kidnapping Mei)

NC (vo): That includes being beaten like Salmon fighting off a bear. (speaks in a whiny tone) Why are you, brute scene, on one with the countryside?!

(The wooden bridge Mulan and Shang are standing on breaks right after Mulan saves Mei, leaving the two dangling off by a loose rope)

NC (vo): They come across a bridge, as they prepare to meet Kali, or whatever Hell Mushu is going to.

Shang: I'm sorry.

(Shang risks his life to save Mulan and allows himself to fall into the river below. As the rain starts, Mulan runs down the bridge, but tearfully returns with only his sword)

NC (vo): Shang lets go so she can climb up, as they go to the bottom and only find his sword.

(Mulan sees her reflection in the sword that turns to Shang as the lightning strikes. She sobs)

NC (vo; as Mulan): Oh, my God, I'm Shang! What a twist! Oh, I'm...just sad.

(After some time passes and the rain stops, Mulan decides to go to Qui Gong by herself. Meanwhile, Shang's horse approaches his owner...and he wakes up, gently stroking him. At Qui Gong, Mulan announces the news to Lord Qin)

NC (vo): Mulan's crying stops the rain, as she decides to still continue the mission. Meanwhile, Aragorn's Uber driver finds Shang without a friggin' scratch on him... (as Shang) Yeah, I truly feel better after that fall, go me... (normal) ...as Mulan reaches Qui Gong and tells them everyone was killed.

Lord Qin: A marriage was promised! I will sanction no alliance!

NC: So...what's the plan again?

Mulan: I would be honored to wed a prince of Qui Gong.

Lord Qin: You?

NC: Ah. And the amount of land you don't own is...? (A word "Shit." appears with a ding) Shit. You don't own shit. What would this marriage do?!

NC (vo): His assistants tell the emperor, though, that she's a war hero, so this might be a good move.

Advisor: Far more dear than three mere princesses.

NC: ...How? It still won't unite anything!

NC (vo): If General Patton married Queen Elizabeth, America doesn't suddenly have an alliance with England! Though, God, I'd love to know what that alternate reality is like!

Lord Qin: Prince Jeeki.

(Lord Qin's son, Jeeki, is shown playing with a finger trap. Later, Mulan is solemnly preparing for the wedding with Jeeki)

NC (vo): The emperor agrees to allow her to marry his son, and...the other two sons disappear before they're even seen...as Mulan gets ready for her wedding. This...is the climax, everybody. (Some clips from the first film are shown) Yeah, remember the sword fight and fireworks and evil bad guy trying to slice people to pieces? The brave Mulan battling her armed adversaries is now bride who doesn't want to marry someone she doesn't love! (The poster for Wedding Crashers is shown) Yeah, we're in Owen Wilson comedy at this point! (The sound clip of Wilson's trademark "Wow." is played)

Mushu: (in tears) I would give up a thousand pedestals if I could stop this.

Mulan: I doubt even the Golden Dragon of Unity could stop this now.

NC: (as Mulan) Not even the Bloody Dragon of Messy Divorces can come to my aid.

(Mulan slowly comes down to the statue of Golden Dragon of Unity as the people of Qui Gong watch)

NC (vo; as Mulan): Yeah, remember all that shit I said about following your heart and refusing to marry someone you don't know?

NC: (as Mulan) Moonwalk that shit back to Hypocriteville, because I have a permanent residency there!

(Shang suddenly shows up to stop the marriage, but Lord Qin denies it. Mushu decides to help by pretending to be the Great Golden Dragon of Unity and forces Qin to stop the marriage)

NC (vo): But Shang stops the wedding just in time...thank God the dude saved the day in this "girl power" flick...but the emperor isn't taking "no" for an answer. However, Mushu pretends to be the Golden Dragon of Unity and tells the emperor to marry Shang and Mulan.

(A giant amount of fire comes from the Dragon of Unity statue, scaring Qin)

NC (vo): Jesus! If Mushu could make that much fire, (A shot from the Game of Thrones Season 7 episode "The Spoils of War" is shown) he could have Game of Thrones the enemy in one single night!

NC: (as posters for Mulan II and GoT's final season pop up) And both of these would somehow have shitty endings!

(The people of Qui Gong cheer)

Mushu: (speaking in a megaphone) Now, I command you to proceed at once!

Lord Qin: (bows in fear) Yes, your greatness.

Mushu: I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.

(Shang and Mulan kiss as the cheering continues)

NC: Um...what about China?

(Back to Mulan's family temple, Shang and Mulan speak to Mushu there)

Shang: So this is the famous Mushu?

Mushu: Say what?!

Mulan: I have no secrets from my husband.

NC: What about the alliance? You never said anything about the alliance. Literally, the whole reason all of this is happening!

Shang: (stands on a knee to bow to Mushu) Great Golden Dragon of Unity. (He winks, and Mushu gives a smile)

NC: So, nothing's changed? You're still not united and you're gonna be invaded any second?

Mulan: Aren't there rules?

Shang: Of course. Right next to the rules about dressing up like a man and joining the army.

NC (vo): By the way, you're still slated for execution, but... (flabbergasted) ...aren't all of the armies unjoined?!

(Mushu learns that Shang combines the two family temples, meaning that he gets to keep his job, much to the ancestors' dismay)

Mushu: What about my pedicure? (claps hands) Let's get jamming on the toe jam, people!

(The camera pans away from the temple, ending the movie)

NC (vo): And, I'm not even kidding, that's where it ends. The whole trip to save China, talks of duty and honor and obligation...and, from what they showed us, they completely doomed everybody!

NC: (stutters) Remember how big they were making that threat?

Emperor: Our army is hopelessly outnumbered. If this wedding does not take place, the alliance will crumble and the Mongols will destroy us.

NC (vo): We just have to assume they're still outnumbered and everyone got slaughtered! In fact, the irony is, (The IMDb page for the film is shown) in some countries, this movie is called "Mulan 2: The Final War"!

NC: Where's the final war?!?!

NC (vo): Oh, I get it. It was after the movie ended. And it was so devastating, (A Photoshopped shot of China with a fire edited onto it is shown briefly) they just showed one second of China burning, and quickly cut to the end credits. But at least Mulan and the princesses follow their hearts!

NC: (slams the table angrily) I wouldn't follow this if it was serving fresh Mushu! (A photo of a roll is shown with an animated dead Mushu serving as a stuffing) Which is very tempting at this point!

(The footage of the movie is shown once more as NC states his final thoughts)

NC (vo): Talk about finding new respect for the original. If I knew this is what we could have gotten in its place, I would have immediately called the first one a masterpiece! The characters in this range from dumb to horrid, the plot is insultingly nonsensical, the animation half the time is awkward, and it doesn't give Mulan fans anything they would be searching for. They don't even make her a princess. You always see her in the lineups, and people love her there, but they always bring up that's not her title. Here, you could have done it! Have Shang figure out he's a prince or something, and they get married! I don't know! It's less convoluted than what they gave us! And, at least, it would have served some purpose! As is, this is a horrible movie to show your kids, especially ones that watch the original. It's stupid, it's degrading, it's not fun to watch, it doesn't teach you creative thinking or how to get out of bad situations, it takes a million steps backwards. Come what may with the live-action remake, I'm just gonna call it: there is no way it can possibly be worse than this.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and (imitates Mushu) dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dishonor on your whole family! (gets up from chair) DISHONOR! (leaves)

Channel Awesome tagline - Mulan: But I have another duty, to my heart.

(The credits roll)

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