Mr. T and the T-Force #2
July 1, 2013
Remember, kids – don't do drugs or else you'll fight against demonic dinosaurs. Mr. T taught me that!
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the–
(He gets interrupted, however, as the theme from The A-Team plays. He puts his hand to his ear intently)
Linkara: (excited) Hark! Is that the sound of pure awesomeness approaching?! I do believe it's time for more Mr. T!
Linkara (v/o): The last time we looked at some Mr. T comics, the results were... disappointing, and a little Shia LaBeuof-y.
(A clip of Linkara's review of the second comic, showing Mr. T getting knocked out by Stare Roy, is shown)
Linkara: (audio from review) No! Nonono, no! (gets up from his seat, saying "No" repeatedly)
(Cut back to the present-day Linkara)
Linkara: To be perfectly honest, I didn't even know that was a thing with Shia LaBeouf, but whatever. Point is, the last two Mr. T comics I reviewed were really damn lame.
Linkara (v/o): They had their moments, to be sure, but it was just an overall disappointment, and seeing Mr. T get laid out by somebody named Stare Roy was just so annoying that I had to make up my own ending. Then again, my own ending had to be the ending, considering that from what I've heard, there is no third issue to that Mr. T comic. The damn thing ends with Mr. T unconscious or dead!
(Cut to a closeup of the first issue of "Mr. T and the T-Force")
Linakra (v/o): Which is why it was time for us to go back to something that was insane, but truly showed off the greatness of Mr. T, which, of course, is "Mr. T and the T-Force".
Linkara: Yeah, another sequel episode to a comic I've previously reviewed. I swear to God I didn't plan this block of episodes to be like this. It just kind of happened.
Linkara (v/o): I reviewed "Mr. T and the T-Force" way back in 2009, only my thirteenth episode. It's a bizarre little thing, wherein Mr. T runs around New York with a camera, recording people doing illegal things and then recruiting drug dealers after he shames them with the greatest Mr. T line ever...
Mr. T: It's a crack baby... FOOL!
Linkara (v/o): This is also where he first displayed his many superpowers, purportedly obtained by the mystical T-Force.
Linkara: But of course, they had to ruin the whole thing by introducing the T-Midichlorians.
Linkara (v/o): We ended with Mr. T leaping around rooftops and eventually getting confronted by Apache Chief. Not sure what the hell is up with that, but I guess we're gonna find out.
Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Mr. T and the T-Force #2" and see if we can get the Superpower Counter higher! (pumps fist excitedly)
(AT4W title theme plays, and title card has "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): Our cover is... is... Oh, my God. Do you see that? Is it...?! It is!! FREE TRADING CARD!!!
Linkara: My friends, this road has been long and hard, but at last, once more, we have it: (holds up...) a trading card with Mr. T on it!!
(As Linkara raises the trading card in the air, a white light shines into the room while an "Alleluia" choir sings)
Linkara (v/o): Geez, how many comics did we have to go through with trading cards that didn't have Mr. T on it before we finally got this again? Accept no substitutes, my friends! Anyway, our cover features Mr. T punching some demonic creatures while his fists glow with the same intensity as his jewelry. And that is how you make a cover to a Mr. T comic: with Mr. T kicking demonic ass! Not how Stare Roy defeated him! By the by, glowing hands of energy. Adding it to the count.
Mr. T Superpower Count: 12
Linkara (v/o): We open where we left of last time, with Mr. T facing the giant who is carrying around a ton of guns.
Mr. T: HEY FOOL! Those A.K.s ain't gonna stop me!
Linkara: Damn right. Remember the A-Team? Guns can't actually kill people, even when they're, like, five feet away.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of The A-Team, showing the team shooting at bad guys, who manage to avoid getting shot. Then cut back to the comic)
Mr. T: MR. T busted your drug runners...an' now I'm gonna shut down this warehouse! You're finished! Done! Out!
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching Puma Man)
Tom Servo: Completed! Threadbare! Shiny at the elbows!
(Back to the comic again)
Giant: You prattle on like a fool while my people STARVE. Starve because you prevent the PLANTING of the coca plants!
Linkara: (confused) Wait, did Mr. T travel down to some South American rainforest and kicked the asses of drug dealers there? (smiles and gives a thumbs-up) Nice.
Linkara: (as giant, imitating his halting speech) Give me a second! I'm thinking of the right words to say and want to be careful with my speech!
Linkara (v/o): Dude backhands Mr. T, declaring himself to be the strength of his people and that they will be stolen from no more. See? Now, this is a bit more intimidating than Stare Roy!
Linkara: (angrily) AND NO, I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT!
Linkara (v/o): A gigantic guy with guns who needs a two-page spread to send Mr. T flying. That, is how you create a villain who can stand up to Mr. T.
Mr. T: Unh... (thinking) Caught me nappin' like a fool...
Linkara: (as Mr. T) I'm Mr. T. I take micro-naps in between telling kids to stay off of the drugs.
Linkara (v/o): The guy grabs him and declares...
Giant: Your fabled T-Force cannot save from the strength of the Incas!
Linkara: The (makes a "finger quote") "strength" of the Incas, eh? Dude does realize that the Inca Empire was conquered by the Spanish and most died off from disease, right? I mean, it's kind of hard to boast about how strong and powerful your civilization is when it's kind of dead.
Linkara (v/o): Mr. T realizes that Giant Inca Man is trying to choke him.
Mr. T: (thinking) But my mama said... (spoken) KNOCK--YOU--OUT!!
Linkara: Hey, remember that "mother" song that Mr. T sang? Don't quite remember the verse in there where his mama told him to kick someone's ass.
Giant: You... have NO conscience, American.
Linkara: (as giant) Unlike me. I am the ethical person who just tried to choke you to death.
Giant: You would starve my people... children and elders. How can you live with your crimes?!
(Cut to another clip of another episode of The A-Team)
B. A. Baracus (Mr. T): (to Howlin' Mad Murdock) Come on, sucker, I ain't got time for your crazy rap!
(Cut back to the comic)
Mr. T: (wide-mouthed shock) WHAT?! I... starve people?! WHAT... did I do?
Linkara (v/o): I love Mr. T's expression here. He's honestly taken aback and horrified at the suggestion. That's just how good a person he is.
Giant: YOU, Mr. T, keep my people's plants from reaching the marketplace so they can be sold!
Mr. T: You mean drugs!
Giant: YES! The plants of the mind!
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Dragnet, showing Sgt. Joe Friday (Jack Webb) addressing a hippie, who is replaced with the Inca giant)
Friday: Don't you con me with your "mind expansion" slop. I deal with kids everyday. I try to clean up the mess that people like you make out of them. I'm the expert here. You're not.
Linkara: Ooh, now, there's an image: Joe Friday and Mr. T as a buddy-cop team fighting drug dealers. The muscle and the mouth.
Mr. T: Rock cocaine ain't no plant of the mind, brother! It's death!
Linkara: (as Mr. T) First, it's the rock cocaine, then you move on to the harder stuff like China Cat! Is that what you want, sucker?! China Cat?!
Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, several drug lords are watching the proceedings in their dark, shadowy room and discussing that they should just go in and shoot Mr. T instead of all this horsing around.
Drug lord: I did not get where I am Chico... by acting like some common hitman.
Linkara: (as this drug lord) Instead, I acted like some shady supervillain sitting in the shadows like I was friggin' Blofeld or something.
Linkara (v/o): So it turns out the Inca guy is a cyborg with a huge grenade gun in place of his hand. Makes me wonder if he has to clean and polish that thing.
Giant: No more of your lies! Your interference ends today... and my people will be free of the yoke of hunger!
Linkara: (confused) So... does he cook the cocaine into dishes? He has cocaine brownies and cocaine pasta?
(Cut to a closeup of the carpeting on the floor. A Cybermat rolls across several times, making beeping noises as it does so, creating this message in the floor: "We'll Be Right Back", along with the AT4W logo appearing in the corner. We cut to a commercial. Upon return, the Cybermat rolls across the floor again, this time leaving the message, "And Now We're Back", with the AT4W logo appearing in the corner again. We cut back to the Mr. T comic)
Linkara: He [the Inca giant] launches a grenade at Mr. T, who narrowly avoids it, making me wonder how the hell this building is still standing. Earlier, Mr. T said he had been knocked into some support beams, and some of the roof came down. But unfortunately, the gun also launches darts, one of which manages to hit Mr. T in the chest.
Mr. T: OH NO! I been SMOKED!!
Linkara: (as Mr. T, groggily) And smoke is bad for you... Stay in middle... (falls over and mumbles inaudibly) I ain't gettin' on no plane...
Linkara (v/o): We cut over to the hospital where Mr. T had dropped off the drug dealer from the first issue. He's about to take out some garbage and then make a run for it, but he's spotted by the nurse who was so disgusted by him before. When she calls him "boy", he responds angrily...
Punk: My name's JUSTICE...
Linkara: (as Justice) And together, I can be Justi– (stops in confusion) Oh, wait...
Justice: 'Cause I don't get none!
Linkara: (singing as Justice) I can't get no satisfaction! I can't get no girly action!
Linkara (v/o): She tells him to come take a look at the crack baby fool that they brought in, who's inside of an incubator to help with his lungs, and fortunately, he's going to be okay. The dude's signal watch starts beeping, no doubt indicating that he needs to go join the Mighty Morphine Powered Addicts. Unfortunately, Mr. T's not doing too hot.
Mr. T: NNNNNOOOO! Get away... I... ain't gonna...
(Cut to a clip of another episode of The A-Team)
B. A. Baracus: We're in a plane!
Howlin' Mad Murdock (Dwight Schultz): Don't panic, don't panic!
Baracus: A plane!
Murdock: Take it easy!
Baracus: (overlapping) The plane!
Murdock: (overlapping) Relax, relax, relax, relax!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Justice realizes that Mr. T is not even talking to him and we see things from Mr. T's perspective, where it's a void filled with asteroids and pink clouds.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers)
Zordon: Too much pink energy is dangerous!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Mr. T is suddenly attacked by these dinosaur demon things.
Dinosaur demon thing 1: C'mon, homey... just relax. Enjoy the trip, man.
Dinosaur demon thing 2: Doesn't it feel good? We can be your best friends...
Linkara: (as one of the dinosaur demon things) I mean, we just worked wonders for Roy Harper! Look how good he's got it! (A shot of the cover of an issue of "Rise of Arsenal" is superimposed, with Arsenal's arm severed) Okay, bad example.
Linkara (v/o): Mr. T tries to refocus himself, but a demon leaps onto his back.
Dinosaur demon thing: You can't fight this, Mr. T! It's too strong! Give in and enjoy the ride!
Linkara: (as this dinosaur demon) Or rather, I'll enjoy the ride, since apparently, I want you to give me a piggyback ride.
Linakra (v/o): And thus, Mr. T punches the thing out and yells...
Mr. T: NO! I won't EVER give in!!
Linkara: I would just like to remind you all that this is a comic book where Mr. T, fighting a giant cyborg Incan warrior, has been injected with drugs and is now tripping balls while trying to battle invisible demons with his superpowers. This may in fact be the greatest comic book ever made.
Linkara (v/o): The other demons attack him with everything they've got, including tentacle hentai.
Dinosaur demon thing: There's no escape. Just let us help you to forget the pain... Forget everything... All the pain... All the struggle...
Mr. T: I was made by pain-- and struggle! No one takes away my pain! Pain makes me-- the BEST!
(Cut to a clip of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier)
James T. Kirk (William Shatner): I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): In reality, the Incan warrior is... uh, slathering goop on him? The hell is this? Did Mr. T step in some gum and it somehow expanded into what we're seeing? The Incan keeps insisting he give in to the drugs, but Mr. T refuses to surrender. All of this, under the watchful eye of drug dealer dude.
Justice: (thinking) Oh, man... he's wasted! I seen guys go through this before... Dey end up like dem zombies in dat Jackson video.
Linkara: (confused) They get wasted and start dancing like this?
(He raises his finger to the corner of the screen and brings up an image of a video of someone dancing like a zombie in Michael Jackson's famous "Thriller" video")
Linkara (v/o): He runs to find one of the other members of the T-Force and tells him what's up.
T-Force member: Can't do anything. This is your day, Justice.
Linkara: (as this member) I'm not even supposed to be here today, man.
Linkara (v/o): I love this. Mr. T is getting his ass kicked, but the dude says that Justice has to go and help him because he's undergoing his 24 hours of testing. Thus, he's not allowed to do anything.
T-Force member: It's up to you. If you know these gangsters, you'll know how to help.
Linkara: Just because you know what the problem is doesn't mean you know how to solve it.
Linkara (v/o): Justice says screw that, he's not gonna help Mr. T, and didn't want any of this to begin with.
Justice: I'm sideways, freaks!
(Linkara is lying on the couch on his side)
Linkara: (as Justice) That's right, I'm sideways! Except for the times when I'm vertical, anyway.
Linkara (v/o): Back over to the fight with the Inca, more invisible tentacles make their attack on Mr. T.
Mr. T: The T-Force will bring me out of even this!!
Linkara: Have you accepted the T-Force as your lord and savior?
Mr. T: Humans--do-- not--live-- like-- this!
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Doctor Who, showing the Doctor battling the Master)
The Doctor: If we fight like animals, we'll die like animals!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Back with the shadowy drug dealers, they talk about how things aren't working out like they hoped, so they're just gonna shoot him. However, when they storm in, they see the Incan carrying Mr. T away on the roof. He of course evades their gunfire, and a few minutes later, Mr. T is sitting with the Incan. And somehow has his camera back. I guess the Incan decided they needed to grab that, too.
Mr. T: Ooooooo... My head's splittin'...! What's up with you, brother? Why'd you save me from the bad guys? ...And talk right into the camera.
Linkara: (as Mr. T, holding up a camera) Incan warrior talks about drugs. I got myself a new viral video!
Incan giant: I believe I have been lied to by my... employers. I also believe you have a great deal to teach me... and I am ready to learn.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Johnny Bravo, showing Mr. T teaching Johnny what the letter T stands for)
Mr. T: "T" stands for "teach", "train" and "toughen you up"!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with the image of Justice standing on the street, watching as the cops descend upon the drug warehouse.
Narrator: ...silently... but with interest and curiousity. [sic]
Linkara (v/o): Wait, "curiousity"?
Because Poor Literacy... is just another superpower of Mr. T
Mr. T Superpower Count: 13
Linkara: (holding up comic) This comic is incredibly stupid! ...But AWESOME!
Linakra (v/o): The first issue still has problems with its premise and overall just being a big fight scene, but these days, I'm hard-pressed to say they suck. After so many years later seeing much worse, I'm more inclined to look on these comics as enjoyably awful. Need I remind you that this is a comic where Mr. T experienced drug-induced hallucinations while fighting a gigantic cyborg Incan warrior. This is the stuff of insanely awesome comic books!
Linkara: But let's always remember that Mr. T does believe in a drug-free world. So let's try not to support drug use.
Snowflame: (offscreen) Snowflame made cocaine popsicles!
Linkara: Aaaand if you'll excuse me, I have to go deal with a problem before I am arrested. (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)
Snowflame: (offscreen) Snowflame is the ice cream man!
(End credits roll)
The planned storyline segment has been delayed by a week because of Animinneapolis.
Sooo help me out here, was I actually horribly offensive when I stated the Inca civilization was dead? I only had so much time to research this stuff and need to know if this is going to end up on the next screw-ups list and there's a thriving cultural Inca presence in the world.
(Stinger: A PSA with Mr. T is shown)
Mr. T: Get the picture? Kim was so busy feeling sorry for herself, she didn't see that her father was in trouble. The things she will recognize in time. Because if she didn't, she would have never found the clue that saved him. So when you get your feelings hurt by someone you love, think for a minute before you cry and moan about your own feelings. Because they person you love might be the one who's really hurting. Take it from me, Mr. T.