Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. And today, we're going to talk about one of the greatest icons of the '80s, '90s, and today: Mr. T.
(Footage of productions involving Mr. T (i.e., The A-Team, Rocky III, Mister T (an animated series)) are shown, set to the theme from The A-Team)
Linkara (v/o): Why do we love Mr. T? Hell if I know. It's just that he's Mr. T. He's a badass in every regard, and yet he's always about the positive message. He beat Rocky, he beat sharks, and he even beat cancer.
Linkara: And don't get me wrong, today's subject isn't awful like "Superman At Earth's End" or Chuck Austen's X-Mencomics. So why is it here? Well, let's dig into (holds up comic of review) "Mr. T and the T-Force #1" and find out.
(The cover for the comic is displayed)
Linkara (v/o): Geez, this cover is shiny! I don't mean in a holofoil cover sense; I mean there's just so many rays of light on it! This is the first of Mr. T's many superpowers: he blinds his enemy with the light reflected off of his jewelry.
Mr. T Superpower Count: 1
Linkara (v/o): And hey, it even comes with a free gold foil trading card!
(Linkara looks at the card with excitement, then becomes disappointed)
Linkara: If you can't play any card games with it, what's the point?
Linkara (v/o): This is also apparently a "collector's item", which means it's worth hundreds of dollars, right? Right? Uh, I mean, besides for the three bucks I paid for it at my local comics store, it's worth a fortune, yeah? Er, anyway, there's nothing much else to say, except for the fact that Mr. T is holding a gun. I admit this seems grossly out of character for him, but not as much as Superman, since at least Mr. T used guns on The A-Team.
(The comic opens to the first page)
Linkara (v/o): We open to a splash page of Mr. T smashing a car hood with his bare hands.
Mr. T:IT'S OVER, PUNKS! I'm gonna run you and your drugs outta this hood! 'CAUSE MR. T IS IN THE HOUSE!
Linkara:(as Mr. T) Who's playing Grand Theft Auto now, suckas?!
Mr. T: I know you thugs are just runners... here to deliver more drugs-- to the kids!
Linkara (v/o): Man, it's gonna be embarrassing if it turns out these were just some college kids on a road trip.
Mr. T: But it's over! You're finished! And you better GET OUT! RIGHT NOW! Or I'll bust you up! Real bad!
Linkara: Well, you just smashed up their car, Mr. T; it's gonna be hard for them to leave now!
Linkara (v/o): And again, he smashes this car up – with his bare hands! Apparently, Mr. T has super strength as well.
Mr. T Superpower Count: 2
Linkara (v/o): The thugs are less than impressed with Mr. T.
Thug: He's a joke! A real-life "sooper hero"?!
Linkara (v/o): Well, two powers already. I guess Mr. T's going for that Luke Cage Powerman feel to him, jive talk and everything. (as Mr. T) Sweet Christmas, fool! (normal again) Meanwhile, some trenchcoat-wearing individual is walking along, and there's a shriek to be heard. Why Mr. T can't hear this shriek is anyone's guess, but we do know that...
Narrator: ...a fateful decision is made.
Linkara:(reading a newspaper, as Mr. T) They decided to make the A-Team movie serious? What's up with these fools?!
Linkara (v/o): Back with the brawl, Mr. T just knocks the thugs around without any difficulty.
Mr. T: Not only am I tough, but I'm trained!
Mr. T Superpower Count: 3
Linkara (v/o): The trenchcoat-clad individual places a bag inside of a dumpster and walks off, while Mr. T continues to have a very ridiculous fight. I mean, seriously, we've got this guy falling down at Mr. T like this, but the angle of the attack makes it look like that if Mr. T just stepped back, the guy would land on his face. But even more bizarre is how Mr. T just smacks the guy out of the air with enough force to bring him straight to the ground. With the kind of intensity of a hit like that, the guy's skull must have shattered!
Linkara: Don't worry, folks, there's an experimental metal that can save his skull and... Oh, wait, he's not a truck driver, is he? (shrugs) Never mind.
Mr. T: I'm gonna give back all the pain you been causing-- ONE PUNCH AT A TIME! And YOU'RE next!
Linkara (v/o): Dear Lord, Batman's got nothing on Mr. T! Darkwing Duck could only hope to match this level of intensity! (as Mr. T) I'm the terror that beats yo' sucka ass in the night! (normal) Mr. T confronts the last thug.
Mr. T: C'mere, brother. We're gonna talk... you and me. NOW.
Linkara:(holding up his fist, as Mr. T) Talk with my fist through your head, that is!
Linkara (v/o): However, someone cattle-prods Mr. T from the back and knocks him down.
Mr. T: Ugh... Wasn't ready... Couldn't... focus... I ain't gettin' on no plane...
Linkara (v/o): His attacker proclaims...
Linkara:(waving dismissively) No, no, no, like this: "FOO!"
Linkara (v/o): The drug runners, who are apparently packing some futuristic-looking weaponry for street punks, exposits that Mr. T has been causing them trouble lately. However, Mr. T's got something up his sleeve!
Mr. T:(holding a huge weapon at them) You can talk into THIS!
Linkara: Mr. T is Sylvester Stallone in: John T. Rambo!
Linkara (v/o): However, the drug runners are unimpressed, and they– AGH! Art attack!
Linkara:(pulling comic away from himself) AGH! Take cover! The artwork's coming right at us! (throws comic away and dives for cover)
Thug:(holding up a gun)We can talk a whole louder 'n YOU, T!
Linkara:(as thug) Our decibel levels is what makes us so tough!
Thug:That's one gun-- an' we got three!
Mr. T:(gesturing towards his gun-like weapon) Gun? You think THIS is a gun, SUCKER?
Linkara (v/o): Well, yeah, it looks like a gun.
Mr. T:T doesn't carry guns! It's a video-cam!
Linkara:(rolls his eyes) Dang it, Mr. T, could you stop shooting your reality show for two lousy minutes?!
Linkara (v/o): And get this: he immediately starts filming them! The drug runners, completely flabbergasted by this turn of events, or maybe just wondering how Mr. T was able to fight so well a second ago with that thing strapped to his belt, just stare at him. Taking the opportunity, Mr. T immediately grabs one of the guns from the drug runner and smacks it in his face. Of course, Mr. T knew that the video camera would shock them so! He's a master strategist!
(Cut to a clip of Bane in Batman Begins)
Bane: Theatricality and deception, powerful agents...
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Shaken out of their funk, the other criminal tries to shoot Mr. T, but he bends the gun barrel back so it explodes! I know that you technically already count as super strength, but screw it, that takes talent.
Mr. T Superpower Count: 4
Linkara (v/o): The lead criminal tries to use his cattle prod again, but this time, it doesn't have any effect. Mr. T holds on to the cattle prod and then touches the criminal, channeling the electricity right back into the guy! Okay, that's two more right there!
Mr. T Superpower Count: 6
Mr. T: Fool caught me once-- cause I wasn't looking. Won't happen again.
Linkara: So, Mr. T is like quantum physics: as long as he's not looking, you can beat him.
Linkara (v/o): Mr. T suddenly hears something and drags the criminal along with him. The criminal can't hear anything, but Mr. T leads him to the dumpster from earlier, where a shrieking sound can be heard. And why can he suddenly hear this now when he couldn't hear the criminal with a cattle prod sneaking up on him a minute ago?
Mr. T: I can't believe the treasures that people throw away.
Linkara:(as Mr. T) I mean, look at this, fool. A half-eaten donut!
Linkara (v/o): He picks up the duffel bag and opens it up, revealing a live baby inside of it! Oh, dear, this comic suddenly stopped being funny. The moron of a criminal asks...
Punk: Hey, what is it?
Mr. T: It's a crack baby... FOOL!
Linkara:(shocked) Wait, what?!
Mr. T: It's a crack baby... FOOL!
Linkara:(stunned) Did Mr. T just say... "It's a crack baby, fool"? (shakes head) I want to laugh at this, but I'm afraid I'll either get sent to Hell or Mr. T will break my face in.
Linkara (v/o): Mr. T lectures the punk about how he sold drugs to some poor girl who thought she had no other choice but to put her baby in the dumpster. Furthermore, he says that the baby was no doubt born with drugs in its system as a result and that it's his fault.
Linkara: Um, Mr. T, he's a drug dealer; you can't exactly shame him.
Mr. T: Take off your shirt, man.
Linkara (v/o):(as Mr. T) Yeah, that's it, strip for Mr. T. (normal) Mr. T wraps the crack baby up in the shirt to keep it warm and then hands the crack baby over to him.
Punk:Hey! No way, man!
Mr. T:TAKE IT! You're responsible for it now!
Punk: What...? BULL!
Linkara: Are you seriously trying to piss off the guy who just took a cattle prod to the face without flinching?
Linkara (v/o): Mr. T also slaps a wrist communicator on the punk's arm, telling him that he'll use it to track the kid.
Mr. T: Yer probably thinking you're gonna cut out... hook back up with your gang, huh? Your pals are being arrested... and THIS videotape is gonna put them away. And if you skip out on me... this other videotape goes to the five-oh. And you do time.
Linkara:(holding up videotape, as Mr. T) And this videotape, if you watch it, you die in seven days, fool!
Punk: What... do you 'spect from me?
Mr. T: Why, brother. I expect you to turn your life around. (poses dramatically)With a little help from the T-FORCE!!
Linkara:(confused) Wh-What was that? Was that a superpower? Did something happen? Ah, screw it, I'm adding it.
Mr. T Superpower Count: 7
Linkara (v/o): Mr. T hands the kid one of his necklaces.
Mr. T: An' don't you about hocking it... cause I'll find out.
Linkara: Mr. T sees you in your sleep. (leans forward ominously) Mr. T sees you in your nightmares...
Linkara (v/o): He then tells the kid to drop off the baby at a nearby clinic, and that he while he's there, he's going to get a job and that he's going back to school. When the kid refuses, Mr. T waves the videotape around.
Mr. T:You cross me, boy... and you'll end up in juvie hall like a shot!
Linkara (v/o): So, what, there's lots of whiskey in juvie hall? The kid quickly proceeds to the clinic with every intention of simply leaving the baby there and going off on his own. But when a nurse looks down on the baby, she instantly goes nuts.
Nurse: You SCUM! You get your girls hooked on junk, totally messed up– and then do THIS to them! I can't believe you! You leave it to others to fix your mistakes! I QUIT!
Linkara (v/o): Eh, don't mind her, she's just having a bad day because she realized her arm can stretch to ridiculous lengths. Mr. T appears on the wrist communicator for a progress report, and the kid then explains about the woman suddenly quitting. However, two other kids are already there and stop the woman, talking about how the babies need her. The punk notices that the other two kids are in possession of communicators like his.
Linkara: So Mr. T's goal in life is to find drug dealers, recruit them to a single clinic, and periodically appear on their communicators to make sure that no one quits their job and ensure that no one is entitled to a private life outside of his little schemes.
(Cut to a clip of The A-Team)
Mr. T:(pulling a gun on someone) Don't like jerks sneaking in on my privacy! Understand?
(Back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Back to the comic at hand, the punk tells Mr. T that the woman has decided to stay and that he needs to go help her clean the baby. Mr. T himself is apparently jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Mr. T, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!
Mr. T Superpower Count: 8
Linkara (v/o): He's apparently getting a feeling. I'd call it his T-sense, but it's never explained anywhere, so I'm not counting it as a superpower. And he tracks it to a single roof, crashing down into it. And our comic ends with him arriving in a warehouse where he finds... Apache Chief from the Superfriends cartoon, who's sporting Rob Liefeld-inspired guns.
Mr. T:(thinking) Guess I shoulda' traded this video-cam for a grenade launcher!
(Cut to footage of the Mr. T cartoon show)
Linkara (v/o): Dude, you once swung an alligator over your head; I give this guy two minutes tops before you knock him down.
Linkara:(holding up comic) This comic sucks! Half of it is a single fight, and the other half just doesn't make sense any sense. Sure, there's the novelty factor of Mr. T going around filming himself beating up criminals, but is that what you really want out of a comic?
(Cut to a shot of Mr. T in a suit)
Mr. T: Cut out the jibber-jabber, then shut your dang piehole!
Linkara:(startled, throwing up his hands) Okay, okay! Don't hurt me, Mr. T! (drops comic, gets up and runs off)
(Stinger: a PSA with Mr. T is shown)
Mr. T: So everything turned out okay after all. The fake mugs are in prison breaking rocks, and my team is back on the road. (suddenly points to camera) But listen up now, this is serious! When you are tempted to do something wrong, even if the reasons are good, think twice! Because you never know how things will turn out. You might be getting yourself and everybody else into a whole lot of trouble. Do what's right, and you can't go wrong! Take it from me. (stands up) Mr. T.