Channel Awesome
Mr. T #2

At4w mr t no 2 by masterthecreater-d4qt56c-768x339.png

February 27, 2012
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It's time for Mr. T to be your parent! Wait, that didn't come out right...

(Open on a black screen)

Linkara (v/o): Previously on Atop the Fourth Wall...

(Open on MasterTheCreator, drinking from a coffee cup)

MasterTheCreator: Greetings. I am MasterTheCreator, title card artist for Atop the Fourth Wall. I have assembled you all here so we can stop the menace known as (abruptly scowls and whispers) Andrew Dickman!

(Dickman is shown at his desk, presumably drawing a title card for the show)

MTC (v/o): If we do not stop Andrew Dickman, he will take over the title card duties of every Channel Awesome producer and put us all out of work and then...

(Cut to a closeup of what he's really drawing: a caricature of himself grinning evilly as he holds up the world in one hand and a pencil in his other hand and stomping on "everyone else")


MTC: You are the title card artists, are our only hope. Kitsune2022, who does Obscurus Lupa's title cards...

(Cut to Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: I warned you all about Andrew Dickman, but nooooo, nobody believe me. (sighs) He's already got our Manic Episodes cards; still don't have the whole show.

MTC: Ven Gethenian, the artist for Brows Held High...

(Cut to Ven Gethenian)

VG: Oh, God, why did I try to watch Trash Humpers alone?

MTC: ...and Krin, the artist for ToddInTheShadows.

(Cut to Krin)

Krin: You guys know that Todd doesn't have a face, right? Art is entirely accurate. That boy... is a monster.

(Cut now to...)

MTC (v/o): ...Phil Buni, Iron Liz's title card artist...

Phil Buni: Actually, I think you want the guy who's right next to me, but I'm a lot better-looking, so I'm gonna go ahead and represent him.

MTC: ...MaroBot, artist for The Nostalgia Critic...

(Cut to MaroBot, talking on the phone)

MaroBot: For the last time, no, Linkara, I don't have time to make another section of Comicron 1 for you. (beat) No, I frankly don't care if you don't have a different-looking hallway for your story arcs.

MTC: ...and finally, VincentEL.

(Cut to VincentEL, who has put a gun to his own head, but then looks up, surprised)

VincentEL: What? Me? Wow! Things are finally coming up Vincent! (gets up and sings dramatically) All these years, and all this hard work, I've finally– (suddenly stops himself) Wait, I'm not a title card artist. I made the Atop the Forth Wall theme song.

MTC: Oh. Well, then, we don't care about you.

VincentEL: Wait!

(But it's too late; he gets cut off by static)

MTC: (holding up index finger) Now, then, let's get to the first order of business, shall we?

(Suddenly, the screen cuts through static again, this time to Andrew Dickman, holding up a huge cigar)

Dickman: Ah, if it isn't my predecessors! (chuckles evilly) A mess of you all together at once.

(Cut back to Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: We meet again, art skank.

(Cut back to Krin)

Krin: You're not gonna get away with this, Dickman! We will fight you with art!

(She holds up a notebook with the word "ART" written on it and waves it around in front of the camera. Cut back to Dickman)

Dickman: You're already too late! I'm assigned to do Spoony's title cards. Nothing can stop me! (laughs evilly, then coughs, presumably from smoking)

(Cut back to Phil Buni)

Phil: Wait, how did he get Spoony's–

(Cut to the lair of Dr. Insano, who appears, cackling insanely)

Phil: (gasps) Dr. Holocaust!

Dr. Insano: Yes, it is I, Dr.– (stops abruptly) Wait, what? No!

Phil: Oh, I'm sorry. Dr. Horrible!

Dr. Insano: What? I'm not either of those, you fool!

Phil: Dr. Steele?

Dr. Insano: Really? Do I sound like I can sing as good as him?

(Cut back to Ven Gethenian)

Ven: Dr. Sleepless!

Dr. Insano: Okay, I guess we'll go with that one. But yes! As soon as my mind-slave, Andrew Dickman, takes over the scribbles of all your Internet series, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD! (cackles)

(Phil and Ven are shocked, then cut back to MaroBot, still on the phone)

MaroBot: What? No, I don't want to talk to Snowflame. No! No, don't on Snowfl– (sighs) Hello, Snowflame. Yes, I know you like cocaine. Who doesn't?

Linkara (v/o): And now, the conclusion.

(AT4W title sequence plays; title card has the theme for The A-Team playing in the background)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (points to camera) I didn't feel satisfied with the amount of Mr. T we got last week, so we're back again for some more!

(Footage of the first "Mr. T" issue is shown, while the A-Team theme plays in the background)

Linkara (v/o): In the first issue, we saw Mr. T getting all mopey and emo about his tragic past, where he was put in prison for a crime he didn't commit. This man promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem and no one else can help, and if you can find him–

Linkara: (throws up arms) Wait, wait, wait! I should have cut that off sooner; I'm saving that bit for when I eventually review an A-Team comic. More or less, drugs on the street, Mr. T is mad! Let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Mr. T #2".

(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover, showing Stare Roy punching Mr. T so hard, he sends him flying backwards)

Linkara (v/o): Our cover is... No. No, no, no.

Stare Roy: Even Mr. T is no match for Stare Roy!!

Linkara (v/o): No. No, no, no. No.

Linkara: (waving dismissively) No, no, no, no, no...

(Still saying "No" repeatedly, Linkara gets up from his futon and paces back and forth, while Pollo (still in Tom Servo's body) watches. Then Linkara sits back down on the futon)

Linkara:, nonono, no... (grabs comic and holds it up) NO! (points to camera) Mr. T does not get punched out like that, and sure as hell not by somebody named (points to comic, scowling) STARE ROY!

Linkara (v/o): Also, a book that features a drug that resembles steroids and a guy named Stare Roy. Subtlety, thy name is "Mr. T Comic".

(The comic opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open on a kitty cat on the hood of a car... until it leaps off because Mr. T just THREW A GUY INTO IT!

Mr. T: That's for all the people you been sellin' your poison to, sucker!

Linkara: I would add the A-Team theme song to these bits, but if I did that, you'd get sick of it pretty quickly.

Thug: Come on, brother, get with the winning team!

Mr. T: Newsflash, "brother", I already am!

Linkara: And yet, from what I've seen, you're a Cubs fan, Mr. T. (audience is heard booing; throws up hand in defense) Kidding, kidding! I know nothing about sports.

Thug: We live in one tough hood, Mr. T! Shaz-8 is a necessity! Makes kids stronger... Helps them survive!

Linkara: (as thug, pointing to camera) By killing them! (beat, then becomes confused) Wait...

Mr. T: Shaz-8 is a drug! Drugs destroy!

Linkara: More and more, in my head, I'm pretending that this comic is a response to "Rise of Arsenal".

(Cut to a panel of "Rise of Arsenal")

Linkara (v/o): (as Roy Harper) You guys just don't understand my pain! I–

(Cut back to the Mr. T comic)

Linkara (v/o): (as Mr. T) Shut up, fool! You take drugs, you're gonna see a zombie version of your daughter who tells you to burn things! I pity you, Roy Harper! (normal) He knocks the guy out in this panel that... I don't even know what the hell is going on. Apparently, Mr. T's spine is just as flexible as any female comic book character. Or a Rob Liefeld character. Screw it, I'm adding this to the superpower count!

Mr. T Superpower Count: 9

Linkara (v/o): The doctor, whom many fans commented looks a lot like Morgan Freeman... Now, there's a team-up I'd love to see: Mr. T and Morgan Freeman; like a buddy cop kind of thing... has gotten Upchuck and is bear-hugging the guy. Upchuck the drug dealer is completely powerless against such a hold, it seems.

Upchuck: Act the Burt Lancaster all you want, Mr. T...

Linkara: (confused) Burt Lancaster? Upchuck, you've got to be, like, what? 20? 22? This comic was made in 2005, so I presume it takes place in that year, too. (points to camera) You're a street drug pusher! Watch a lot of Burt Lancaster films, do ya?

(Cut to a clip of The Sweet Smell of Success)

J.J. Hunsecker (Burt Lancaster): I'd hate to take a bite out of you. You're a cookie full of arsenic.

(Cut back to the comic)

Upchuck: ...but I remember hearin' about you! Let me get this straight... You don't use guns?

Mr. T: No.

(Cut to a clip of an episode of The A-Team, showing Mr. T using a gun to shoot at a guy on a motorcycle, causing him to fly off as the motorcycle and a car nearby to blow up and burn his feet. Cut back to the comic again)

Upchuck: You don't do drugs?

Mr. T: No.

Upchuck: You don't drink or smoke?

Mr. T: No.

Upchuck: You don't even swear?

Mr. T: No.

Upchuck: I mean, come on! I'm really supposed to be scared of you?!

(Cut to a clip of a Hitachi commercial featuring Mr. T)

Mr. T: (holding up his fist to a zombie consultant) You know, you got a lotta mouth! And I got a lotta fist for yo' mouth!

(Back to the comic again)

Upchuck: Get real, T! You ain't to be feared! You nothin' more than a big soft dupe!

Linkara (v/o): Aaaand we cut to Mr. T dangling Upchuck over a rooftop.

Linkara: Okay, I was wrong last episode. Apparently, Mr. T is Batman.

Linkara (v/o): Upchuck spills the beans about the crime family responsible for Shaz-8, called the Padillas. Mr. T then promptly tosses the drug dealer back onto the roof, no doubt breaking some bones in the process in the process, and warns him never to get out of town and never come back. As Mr. T and Dr. Freeman walk down the fire escape, the doctor points out that it was impressive that Mr. T didn't drop the guy to the ground.

Mr. T: Thought you doctors followed the Hippocratic Oath!

Doctor: We do... but it only applies to humans. People like him are animals.

Linkara: Huh. I guess veterinarians aren't real doctors. Good to know.

Linkara (v/o): The two continue talking, and Dr. Freeman says that Mr. T could use some help, considering how big the Padillas are. Also, the detective from the first issue is nearby, watching with his partner, but basically says to let them continue doing what they're doing. The doctor says that he wishes "Mizz K", the woman who patrolled the streets while Mr. T was in jail, was still around, but nobody's certain what happened to her. We cut to the Padillas, where that woman who was in silhouette last no longer in silhouette. What's the point of hiding what she looked like last issue?

Padilla Woman: My organisation is like a Jackson Pollock masterpiece.

Linkara: It's abstract and you prefer numbering things instead of naming them?

Padilla Woman: On the surface it's chaos. Yet on closer inspection, it's full of order and beauty. Rather like myself.

(Cut to a clip of another episode of The A-Team)

Mr. T: This man's a pothead, Hannibal. He's on smack, though; a speedball or something.

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): She's talking to the guy from the first issue who dealt with the rude comic shop owner who wants to join up with the crime family. I also would like to note that this woman's outfit has a boob hole for no reason, and she's twisting her spine around almost 180 degrees. However, some other guy under her employ says he doesn't trust him... for some reason.

Thug: I don't trust you!

Wannabe thug: Yeah? Well, I don't like your face!

(Cut to a clip of the MST3K gang watching Mitchell)

Tom Servo: Tonight on Crossfire...

(Back to the comic again)

Thug: You wanna run that by me again, tough guy?!

Wannabe thug: I said I don't like your face. Keep this up, neither will your mother.

(Cut to a clip of Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool, where he breaks up a fight between two children over their mother)

Mr. T: Hey, wait a minute! Don't bring anyone's mother into this. She ain't here. If it wasn't for your mother, you wouldn't be here. So remember, when you put down one mother, you're puttin' down mothers all over the world.

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): She tells him that they're not really interested in his services.

Wannabe thug: Fine! And I'll take your name off my Christmas Card list...

Linkara: (recoiling in mock shock) Dude! That's just rude, man!

Linkara (v/o): Seriously, what the hell kind of insult is that? Anyway, he also mentions taking Mr. T's name off of his vaunted Christmas card list... for no reason at all... and this inspires the woman to hire him. Back with Mr. T, he's doing a rooftop patrol, this time during the day.

Mr. T: (thinking) Look at this! Like a war zone down there.

Linkara (v/o): Oh, yeah, it's totally a war zone, what with the lack of vehicles, partly cloudy weather, the five people at most just kind of loitering around. This is the stuff that forever haunts your soul.

Mr. T: (thinking) Police don't respond to emergency calls... Ambulances not getting through due to gangs...

Linkara: (confused) They seemed to be able to get to that kid from last issue. Plus, there was a cop on duty there, too.

Linkara (v/o): He recognizes that taking out the dealers is just small potatoes, that he has to go after the head honchos of the Padillas if he's going to stop the drugs. However, in the meantime, he notices a bunch of drug dealers loading up boxes onto a truck.

Drug dealer: OK [sic], peeps, let's do the school run!

Linkara: Oh, yeah, I'm sure there's plenty of money found in elementary schools. (beat) Especially in an impoverished neighborhood.

Linkara (v/o): I'm not kidding. We see the kids they're dealing to, and they can't be older than ten, maybe twelve. Of course, how the hell Mr. T overhears this while he's all the way on a rooftop is anyone's guess, but I'm just gonna add it to the superpower count.

Mr. T Superpower Count: 10

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the dealers arrive at the school... At least, I think it's a school; it could just be a neighborhood, but then why call it a school run?

Drug dealer 1: My associates will pass you the finest delicacy you will ever have.

Drug dealer 2: He talkin' Shaz-8.

Linkara: Oh, I get it! They're not drug dealers! They're caterers.

Linkara (v/o): However, the truck doors burst open, revealing Mr. T! ...Now wait a damn minute! How the hell did he get in there?! Can Mr. T teleport now, too? Okay, that's another one.

Mr. T Superpower Count: 11

Linkara (v/o): We cut to a biker bar in Texas, where we see... uh, Storm Shadow from G.I. Joe? The bikers interrupt his phone call and tell him to get out since he isn't a biker, and he proceeds to either kill them or knock them all unconscious – it's not clear – when they try to fight him. He's also apparently an assassin since the guy on the phone wants him to murder a vicar.

Linkara: You know, I always figured that COBRA had a lousy benefits package, but now actually seeing Storm Shadow going freelance, we know. (points to screen) And knowing is half the... Okay, you get the idea. (G.I. Joe theme plays briefly as Linkara raises his fist in the air)

Linkara (v/o): After Mr. T scares away the drug dealers, the kids are none too happy.

Student: Who made you our father, man?

Mr. T: It falls on grownups to take care of children, even when children don't want us to-- so as of now, Mr. T is parenting this entire city!

Linkara: (as Mr. T) Which means Mr. T is now your mama, and you don't go disrespecting your mama! Now, I wrote a song about treatin' your mama right and you're gonna listen to it. (as one of the students) No, no, Mr. T! We'll treat our mothers right! Just don't sing! (as Mr. T) That's right, fool. (points) Now stay in school, sucka!

Linkara (v/o): Actually, he convinces them to knock it off by showing them a picture of the kid from the last issue. And judging by that picture, it was taken when his friends first found him. What nice friends! They see him suffering from the drug and they stop to take a picture of him like that.

Linkara: (holding up a cell phone camera) Demotivational Poster and LOLCat meme, here we come!

Linkara (v/o): Back to the thugs, we see them going to pick someone up, and we learn that the comic shop guy is actually British. I apologize for my British accent; it kinda sounded Australian there. I'd say that would explain why he was picking up issues of "Captain Britain", but everything I've heard says that Captain Britain is actually really awesome, so he just has good taste. The other guy is still being a prick just because he's a prick and the comic guy deduces that he's interested in their boss, who we learn is named Katie, who obviously doesn't share his feelings.

(Cut to a clip of yet another episode of The A-Team)

Mr. T: (to an acquaintance) Guess who pulled a short straw!

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): Before he can answer, the guy they were sent to pick up, a scientist, gets in and tells them to drive away. And I just noticed that the comic that the British guy is reading is in fact "Secret Wars II".

Comic guy: What a comic!

Linkara: Yes, what a comic, "Secret Wars II". We'll probably be getting to that one somewhere down the line.

Linkara (v/o): Back to Mr. T, he's located Padilla's hideout.

Mr. T: (thinking) ...The two goons on the door ain't even carryin' pieces! But they'd sound the alarm before I made it to 'em. Need another way in--the element of surprise!

Linkara: (as Mr. T, looking thoughtful) All right, Mr. T needs a broken-down bus, some armor platin', a garage with tools, and some local villagers who are bein' terrorized, and I think I'll somethin' I can work with.

Linkara (v/o): No, instead, Mr. T notices that the building next door looks empty. Based on what, I'm not exactly certain. Maybe they just went to bed or they don't like leaving lights on. Inside the Padilla compound, Katie is talking to her right-hand man about how they turned a tidy profit despite Mr. T's interference.

Katie: All things being equal, I think he'll come to us--

Henchman: Uh... That a good idea? I know his sort. You can't reason with them, it's like talking to a brick-- WWWALL--!

Linkara (v/o): And yes, Mr. T comes bursting through the wall, knocking the guy on his ass!

Linkara: I'd make a joke about the Kool-Aid Man, but the truth of the matter is that Mr. T goes through walls, too.

(Cut to another clip of the Hitachi commercial featuring Mr. T, showing Mr. T smashing into a virtualization room through a wall, roaring as he does. Cut back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): Suddenly, Katie is surrounded by goons that came out of nowhere.

Katie: Allow me to introduce myself... I'm Crazy Katie.

Linkara: (as Katie) I'm so crazy that I've slashed all my prices!

Linkara (v/o): Seriously, you're the head of a crime family; why do you call yourself "crazy"?

Katie: We've even a new type of Shaz-8 ready to hit the street. It's far more addictive, and we're guaranteed to sell out!

(Cut to yet another clip of yet another episode of The A-Team)

Mr. T: Come on, sucker, I ain't got time for your crazy rap!

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): And by the way, you'd think being the head of a large criminal operation where she boasts about how awesome Jackson Pollock would mean that she would possess better grammar. "We've even a new type," indeed. Anyway, she unleashes her goons on him, but he makes short work of them, even destroying her Jackson Pollock painting in the process. However, it's time for the boss battle, as Crazy Katie unleashes the guy from the cover: Stare Roy! Mr. T tries to punch him, but he catches it easily.

Mr. T: (thinking) What the--?! This dude's strength is unreal! Somethin' ain't right with th--

(A punch sound is heard)

Linkara (v/o): (stunned) And so, our comic ends with... Mr. T unconscious?!

Stare Roy: So much for the mighty Mr. T!

Linkara: No! Nonono, no!

(Once again, still saying "No" repeatedly, Linkara gets up from his futon. He plays a game on his Nintendo DS while saying, "No," in different voices (singsong, laughing, etc.) Then Linkara sits back down on the futon)

Linkara:, no, no, nonononono, no, no, no, nonono, no... (picks up "Mr. T") NO!! (points to book) You do NOT end like that! You do NOT imply that MR. T got his ASS handed to him by STARE ROY!!

Linkara (v/o): This honestly made me want to read the third issue just to see what happened, but unfortunately, I don't own it, and I couldn't find another copy at my local store. But you know what? I don't have to accept this. I refuse accept this cliffhanger of Mr. T getting knocked out! And no, I don't care if Stare Roy was hopped up on the newer, more powerful Shaz-8 or anything. Mr. T can teleport and has super-strength, dammit! He just came through a WALL! I refuse to accept his defeat like this, so you know what? You know what?! I'm making up my own ending! Mr. T was just faking the knockout so he could gain more information, but once he got it, he got right up...

(Footage of Mr. T is shown, paralleling what Linkara says)

Linkara (v/o): ...threw Stare Roy out a window, grew to giant size, told some kids not to give in to peer pressure, joined with Hannibal, Faceman and Murdock, and they stopped the drugs from coming in! Then Mr. T sang a song about... I don't know, friendship or whatever. The end!

Linkara: (holds up comic) This comic... is still kinda lame, but not really sucky. You really can't go wrong with Mr. T being badass and taking names, even if he didn't have any good one-liners or the like. Next week, though, something far more dumber than this. (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)

(End credits roll)

I think the implication is that "Mizz K" became Crazy Katie, though how the hell that works I have no idea.

Alternate name for Storm Shadow in the bar? Fantomex or "Weapon XIII" from the X-Men, but even that one is too nerdy for me.

With apologies to all other title card artists that didn't appear in this episode.

(Stinger: And now... BLOOPERS! First up is Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: (singing) That wasn't maniacal...

(Cut to Andrew Dickman drawing his plan to take over the world)

Dickman: (giggling evilly) Maniacal laugh... Maniacal laugh... Maniacal laugh!

(Cut back to Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: He's already got her Manic Episodes cards; it's... (makes a Bronx cheer) Memorizing lines is awesome!

(Cut to Dr. Insano's lab)

Dr. Insano: (cackles crazily) Yes, it is I! (squealing is heard) Oreo, for Christ's sakes, Daddy's working!

(Cut back to Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: Got her "Manic Episodes" cards; it's... (grunts)

(Cut to Dickman again, holding his enormous cigar)

Dickman: Ah, Mr. Linkara! As you can see, there's nothing that you can possess that I cannot just... take away. (giggles)

(Cut back to Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: (giggles) Damn you, Dickman!

(Now cut to Ven Gethenian)

Oancitizen: (calling out to Ven) You have the Watson hat.

Ven: (looking up) Doesn't go with my coat.

Oancitizen: (laughing) You can barely see the coat in the shot.

(Ven laughs and looks down again)

Ven: Wearing a Watson hat, then...

Oancitizen: You're just wearing a very silly hat.

Ven: (laughing) So? You know that's what I do anyway.

(Cut back to Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: Gee!

(Cut back to Ven and Oancitizen)

Oancitizen: Did I miss something?

Ven: No. I highlighted all my notes.

Oancitizen: Okay.

Ven: They're pink.

Oancitizen: Yes.

Ven: Like your soul.

Oancitizen: What does that even mean?

(Cut back once again to Kitsune2022)

Kitsune2022: Obscurus Lupa represents... Never again, never again. Never again!

(Cut back to Dickman)

Dickman: You're already too late! (holds up cigar to his eye for some reason)

(Cut back to Ven, who makes a face using her thumbs and teeth)

Ven: He's telling me to do that.

Oancitizen: I said nothing.

Ven: You should–

Oancitizen: I said nothing.

Ven: You had moose antlers on.

Oancitizen: You cannot prove that I had moose antlers.

Ven: I can prove anything I want.

Oancitizen: No, you cannot. If it's not in flame, it doesn't exist.

Ven: I have Photoshop. Shut up!

(Cut back to Dickman)

Dickman: First, then DeviantArt, and then the world! (cackles, then coughs)

(Cut back to Ven, who takes a bowler hat)

Ven: All right, all right, all right. (removes elf hat) Wardrobe! (puts on bowler hat) Better?

Oancitizen: Very. It looks good on you. Looks better than the elf hat.

(Ven flips Oancitizen the double bird)

Oancitizen: Okay.

Ven: Giving you my full attention.

Oancitizen: (looking into frame) This has been a bit of a behind-the-scenes look at Ven and Kyle. (Ven laughs) Don't use those takes.

Ven: Use those takes! (laughs)

Oancitizen: Ven, you'll get a continuity error where you'll wear the weird hat in one scene and the normal hat in the other, and it just means chaos. Editing chaos.

Ven: "Chaos" is my middle name, baby.

(Cut back to Dickman, who cackles)

Dickman: You're stuck here.