Mr. Magoo

Mr. Magoo
Released	May 29, 2012
Running time	18:39
Previous review	Heavy Metal
Next review	TBA
Link	http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/35432-mr-magoo

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! Remember when I said I didn't like the Flintstones cartoon? *he stands up to get out of the way of a falling safe, then sits back down* Obviously, you do. Well, there's another classic old cartoon that I also find I really can't stand: Mr. Magoo. *a tiny safe falls on his head, but doesn't hurt him* Obviously, not as big of a backlash

Clips of the cartoon Mr. Magoo play

NC (vo): He never did anything for me because it's basically just one joke: he can't see. The rest of the time, he just smiles and looks happy, so there's no real comedic suffering on his part, or even that much to the people around him. He falls, he misses something, but he's always okay. Where's the comedy? How does that get a laugh?

NC: The only thing less funny than Mr. Magoo is giving him a ridiculous film budget to exploit how unfunny he is. Daah!

Clips of the live action movie play

NC (vo): If you can't see what's wrong with this flick, then you're as nearsighted as this dumbass idea. You know the term, "if it's not broken, don't fix it?" Well, there's a term in the 90s that went, "if it's broken, Disney's found a screenplay." This was during their especially bad run of horrible live action movies, and trust me when I say this is the topping flag of Shit Mountain. It was an age where ideas to make movies was at an all time low-- *followed by a picture of the movie Battleship*

NC: Well, almost all time low. Let's stumble into Mr. Magoo.

The Disney logo comes on, followed by whimsical music

NC (vo): Wow, the first second--literally the first second annoys me. Nah, there's only 5,492 to go.

Cut to the cartoon opening of the show, with Mr. Magoo shouting at a plant that he mistakes for the secretary

Magoo: You're not Mrs. Wonderbottom! Ugliest hairdo I've ever seen.

NC (vo): I guess it figures that we'd start off with the cartoon during the credits, but honestly, it's kind of distracting that while Leslie Nielsen stars as Magoo in the movie, he doesn't do his voice in the credits. I know it's a nitpick, but it just sort of emphasizes the direct side-by-side comaprison of how much these two DON'T have in common. *cut to a Popeye cartoon* It's like if in a Popeye movie, they start with a cartoon in the orignal voice and suddenly cut to someone completely different

A harp is played to cut to Michael Clark Duncan's head on Popeye's body

Black Popeye: Yo, I'm Popeye and shit!

NC (vo): We finally get the live action version starring the late Leslie Nielsen who's apparently a rich canned vegetable enterpeneur--God, there's so many--who donated a museum wing to a rare ruby.

We now follow the main villain of the story, Luanne LeSeur and her dumb muscle boyfriend, Bob.

Luanne: Exquisite.

Bob: No, actually, it's corundum.

NC (vo): *pointing out her hat* What the hell is that woman wearing? Remind me who the nearsighted kook is in this movie? Her hat looks like a cartoon iris that got stuck halfway through.

The Looney Toons theme plays as an iris closes on her hat, but then gets stuck

Iris: Ah, what the fucksauce?

NC (vo): We see Magoo look around the museum while...*he picks up a feather from a woman's hat and eats it, thinking it's an hors d'ouerve* Ohhh, he mistook something for something else! Well, let's hope that *mad* joke doesn't get old real quick!

Waldo, Magoo's nephew, notices the girl in white

Waldo: Oh my gosh. Would you look at that?

Magoo: What?

NC (vo): And no, your eyes aren't as bad as his. That is, in fact, Jennifer Garner. Pre-career, obviously.

Stacy: I am Stacy Sampanahoditra.

Magoo: This is my nephew, Waldo!

Stacy: Waldo Magoo. It is an honor.

NC (vo): Oh god, what ethnicity do they have her mocking? If the vague accent, the weird hair, that Chinese crackerjack sailor suit. It's like the Kwizatz Haderach of stereotypes: it insults all races at once.

Magoo: May all the exhibits in this hall shine with the light of human knowledge.

NC (vo): He tries cutting the ribbon, but ends up cutting an electrical cord. Tell me if this scene looks cutesy or horrifying.

Magoo cuts the electrical cord instead of the ribbon, causing all sorts of mayhem, including lights bursting

Magoo: I didn't send for fireworks!

NC (vo): *sarcastically* Ha ha ha, a dozen people are in critical condition. Charming eye joke has dark consequences.

Magoo: Public telephone. Excuse me, sir.

NC (vo): He confuses a mummy's tomb for a telephone booth, and the door closes in behind him.

The couple from before are now dressed in black, hooking up a cable on the skylight over the museum wing

NC (vo): Later that night, we see a children's stage play version of Catwoman and Bane trying to break into the museum to steal the ruby. *LeFleur dives down from the cable onto a pterodactyl* Luckily, she finds some Pee Wee's Playhouse dinosaurs to hide behind and goes forward with the robbery. *while she landed smoothly, Bob ends up sliding along the brontosaurus's back and crashing through the ruby case* By the way, you ever notice how bad movies have really poorly designed museums? *showing the museum fight from Batman & Robin* Didn't Batman & Robin have the same rare jewel/dinosaur/Egyptian art/exotic plantlife exhibit? A little cluttered, don't you think?

Magoo is coming out of the tomb

Magoo: You stay right here, you're in no condition to--oh, man.

NC (vo): Magoo finally comes out of the tomb. Wait, he was in that box with the mummy for five hours? That's more than a vision problem, that's a mental psychosis. And the robbers get away by knocking the guard into the phony styrofoam exhibit. The next day, we see that Garner is so distressed, she brought her distraught Tylenol hat, and investigators come to look at the scene.

Stupak: Chuck Stupak, FBI.

Anders: Gustav Anders, CIA.

NC: Ernie, no! *back to the movie* Goddamn it, I'm sick of you showing up in shit! You're a good actor! You have style and class! Please tell me you're doing stage work somewhere, I'll gladly see it to apologize for the fact that you're in this dick demon!

Stupak: The CIA has no jurisdiction on American soil.

Anders: This could very well become an international incident.

Stupak: Not if you don't get in my way, fancypants. Hm?

NC: Oh no! *slams desk* No no no, you did not just "hm" Ernie Hudson! You save that for a Chris Tucker, not an Ernie Hudson! *clip of Stupak going hm* Ernie, get him! *followed by a clip of Winston from Ghostbusters zapping Stupak's head into an explosion with a proton pack, followed by Critic going hm*

NC (vo): Meanwhile we see the two robbers talk about last night's heist.

Bob: There's nothing in the papers. It's a trap! They're trying to lull us into a false sense of security, and then bust us when we make a careless move.

LeFleur: That's yesterday's paper. *and wah-wah music follows*

Bob: Oh.

NC (vo): That's right, folks. You just witnessed a film where they actually played the wah-wah-wah music. Little known fact, the composer actually killed himself three minutes later after being forced to write that piece. *and Critic shrugs with the last wah* She gets him to hand over the giant ring pop and kicks him off the boat, but he tries to take her down with him, and the jewel falls into Magoo's boat, who just happened to be passing by. This guy's like an unfunny duo seeking missile. *Magoo says something rather gibberish-y* They hope they can get back at the opera where Magoo is not only attending, but also...*confused* performing? Yeah, little confusing, seeing how we've never seen him sing, and it's never explained whether or not he can sing. In fact, according to this movie, Mr. Magoo well-rounded enough to be put into any situation at any location, except what he does for a living! Yeah, his job allows him to do all this richie stuff, but we're never actually allowed to see what he does. He's said to be the canned vegetable king, wouldn't it make sense to have him in a canned vegetable factory, then? There's gotta be some comedic opportunities there. But no, fuck it, we got a castrated episode of I-Spy to watch.

Anders is talking to Stupak through an earpiece

Anders: Just spotted a conspicuous white male. Dirty clothes, needs a haircut.

Stupak: Where?

Anders: Look to your left. *Stupak does so and he's looking at a mirror, then back at Anders

NC: Oh, snap! You just got Hud!

Back to the scene with a shredding guitar as the words "You've just been Hud" appear on the bottom with Ernie Hudson's face to the right

NC (vo): The lady thief disguises herself and tries to get an interview with him, while the male thief is a little more direct.

Bob is in costume in disguise, then takes a garrote wire out to slice a candle

NC (vo, as Bob): Just showing the audience what that does, okay.

NC (vo): But he can't get past his Loki horns and, big shock, he gets knocked out, which accidentally causes him to turn on a giant fan. *all sorts of stuff is blowing onto the stage, like a bouquet of roses into an actor's hand, as well as the prop snow. NC's now shouting over the fan* Yeah, if there's anything every opera performance needs with the sensitivity of the singer's voices, it's a giant, loud, hard to control wind machine!

NC: Why don't all opera houses have this?!

NC (vo): The next day, he meets up with the thief, still thinking she's a reporter, and she tries to put the moves on him.

Magoo: Prunella, huh? *he leans in for a kiss, eyes closed, but she instead puts a fish to his lips*

NC (vo): You know, this film is so dull and useless, I'm more interested in the backstory the fish. *zoom in on the fish* Did he have a good life? Do you think his family appreciates what the sacrifice of his body is going into?

Cut to two fish in the ocean, a male fish walking to the female

Female: Well, did you see what they did with Howard's body?

Male: *sadly* Yes, yes I did.

Female: Please tell me he's being used to feed a poor, starving family.

Male: No, he's...being used in a live action movie of Mr. Magoo.

Female: NOOOOOO-HO-HO-HO Warner Bros. or Disney?

Male: Disney.

Female: NOOOOOOOO!

NC (vo): We also get a little info about that thief as well.

Stupak: It's Luanne LeSeur. The Black Widow. She kills all her male accomplices, nobody's been able to finger her.

NC: What a shame. They die before they finger her? *a bit of music from Paul Schaefer and The World's Most Dangerous Band plays as NC acts like David Letterman* Yeah, yeah I know! You like that, Paul? *cut to a clip of Paul Schaefer* You like that? Like that bit, Paul? You like it. High as a kite. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we will be right back with a Miss Penelope Cruz. *and the band plays him out as they go to commercial*