June 5, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Did you hear about the one who made (The poster for Movie 43 appears in the left corner) one of the worst movies of all time, (The poster for Green Book appears in the right corner) yet somehow won Best Picture? Gotta be funnier than anything (points to Movie 43 poster) in this!
(The title for the mentioned film is shown, followed by its clips)
NC (vo): Movie 43 is a film I've been asked to review for a while and is gaining a reputation as one of the most puzzling bad comedies ever made, not for how unfunny it is...though, yes, it does succeed spectacularly at that...but rather because how many big names were attached to it. Names like Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Richard Gere, Emma Stone, Kristen Bell, Gerard Butler, Naomi Watts, and that's just to name a few. Directed by some other big names, like Peter Farrelly, Elizabeth Banks, James Gunn, Brett Ratner, again just to name a few, with a tiny budget of only six million dollars. Yeah, that sounds like a lot, but to give you an idea, Boo! A Madea Halloween cost 20 million to make. The surprisingly bigger question than why the hell this movie was made is how the hell this movie was made.
NC: Well, almost like in Apocalypse Now from a parallel universe, the making of this movie is arguably more interesting than the movie itself.
(The photos and posters start appearing as NC continues speaking)
NC (vo): Originally, comedy producer Charlie Wessler wanted to make a next Kentucky Fried Movie, a collection of funny shorts that push the envelope in terms of good taste. He described it as Funny or Die, only you could go crazy. Because...Don Cheadle's Captain Planet was too normal for it. His plan was to have three pairs of comedy directors take one-third of the movie: the Farrelly brothers, the Zucker brothers, and Trey Parker and Matt Stone. An interesting idea, but overtime, all of the directors backed out, apart from one of the Farrellys, who not only decided to join development as a producer as well, but also happened to be a very charming guy with a lot of famous friends. They first got Hugh Jackman to agree, who loved the idea of doing something different and risque. And after much convincing of her agents, they got Kate Winslet as well.
NC: This became the movie's pitching point.
NC (vo): We're doing a film with a ton of big names, it only takes a few days to shoot, and major stars Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet already filmed. Well, the pay was certainly low for a lot of these big names, but it was only for a few days, there's already big talent involved, and, best of all, they offered to work around their schedules, which meant the film took over four years to make, with some celebrities even trying to get out of it. Richard Gere said he has to be nice, but said that he wouldn't be available for over a year, production had to move from LA to New York, and they could only have him for four days, not a minute more. Give Wessler and Farrelly credit, they worked within all the limitations both the actors and directors laid out for them, making this a very bizarre passion project, but still a passion project nonetheless. However, with the strange mix of both a large amount of time and a short amount of time, was there any chance this movie would actually turn out something of value? And...when I say "value", I mean something anybody will put on the resume in the future.
NC: Well, let's see the fruits of their labor of lackluster love. This is Movie 43.
(The movie begins with showing the main segment of the movie, "The Thread". It's revealed that NC is watching the version released in the UK, the Netherlands, Russia, etc. Calvin Cutler and his friend J.J. make a video in the style of MTV's Jackass by performing a crazy stunt and upload it on YouTube)
NC (vo): It opens with one kid throwing a dartboard at another kid holding a dart in his mouth.
NC: I'll admit, I laughed at this, but knowing that...
(We briefly cut to one of the latter segments of the film starring Johnny Knoxville)
NC (vo): ...Johnny Knoxville's in this movie...
NC: ...I somehow feel cheated.
(Calvin and J.J.'s video instantly reaches over 1,000,000 views on YouTube. This turns out to be an April Fool's prank from Calvin's younger brother Baxter, who appears on their screen via video call)
NC (vo): It looks like this is actually a video they uploaded online, and his little brother tricks them into thinking it went viral. Yeah, the only thing going viral in this movie is George Clooney's response when they asked him to be in it. (The quote "No fucking way" appears below Clooney's photo) Look it up, he said that.
Baxter: I took the liberty of cloning YouTube and hyper-inflating your views.
NC (vo): The boys look to get revenge by giving the little brother's computer viruses, so they ask him to help looking for a movie.
Calvin: There's this movie on the Internet. We can't...find it. I mean, this video is so illegal, it has been banned by every country in the world.
NC: (as Calvin) It's so banned, even Facebook, Twitter and YouTube think it's going too far!
(Baxter goes to Calvin's room)
Calvin: If you can watch it all the way through, you're rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.
(Baxter looks for "Movie 43" on Zwoogle, and indeed, there are no search results for this)
NC (vo): Oh, that's kind of how this film works, except the reward for watching is abject emptiness.
NC: Though it does last you all your life.
NC (vo): If you haven't caught on, this is the sketch that loosely links all the others together. You're Rod Serling, if the script for (The poster for American Pie Presents: Beta House is shown) an American Pie straight-to-DVD movie anally assaulted the charm out of him.
NC: (nods, smiling) Have fun with that mental image!
(J.J. and Baxter continue searching for "Movie 43" by reaching the dark corners of the Internet and it's 43th page. The videos they find on it are serving as sketches for the movie itself. The first one named "The Catch" and directed by Peter Farrelly begins with a single businesswoman named Beth (Kate Winslet) preparing for a blind date with the bachelor Davis (Hugh Jackman), helped by her friend Abby (Anna Madigan))
NC (vo): The first video they find is a sketch starring Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman; the routine that launched a thousand "well, they're in it".
Beth: But he's probably got one of those awkward character faces.
Abby: (holding a magazine with Davis' photo on the cover) Mr. Character Face is on the cover of Gotham magazine.
Beth: (surprised) That's him?
(At the restaurant, Beth meets with Davis, but when he removes his scarf, a pair of testicles are revealed to be dangling from his neck, to Beth's shock. This is covered by a censor bar from now on)
NC (vo): Speaking of things that should be banned, I don't know how much of this I can show, but...oh, how do I put it...Hugh Jackman has balls on his neck.
NC: ...That still doesn't sound right, but there's no way to say it so it does sound right.
(Nobody at the restaurant is surprised by Davis' abnormal anatomy)
NC (vo): I'll admit, the reveal at first is so out-of-nowhere and so matter-of-fact, it did get a legit laugh out of me. But take a guess how many other jokes they have in this entire sketch...you're right, this one! This is the one joke they're gonna have the whole time! Christ, did the guy who produced the It's Pat movie produced it- (The poster for the mentioned movie pops up with a "Yes.") OH, COME ON! Look. A pube falls, and he eats it. You're on a life-size recreation of the Titanic with Leonardo DiCaprio. Now you're watching the Greatest Showman eat his neck ball hair!
NC: (grins) Life is funny. This movie is death, but life is funny.
(The mother and father approach Davis with their infant named Evan)
NC (vo): Look, a baby. This has promise.
(Davis takes Evan on his hands, which is still covered by a censor bar, to Beth's dismay)
Davis: Come here. Can I? (chuckles) Come here.
Davis: He's a big boy.
Davis: Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy, huh?
NC: Well, if Hugh Jackman's ever has registered sex offender, we now know which picture to use.
(Davis kisses Beth on her forehead, with his neck-testicles are dangling near Beth's mouth, causing her to scream. This ends the first sketch, as we go back to J.J. and Baxter)
NC (vo): Wondering what this is all building up to? The balls touch your face...whoa-ho-ho, whoa!...and that stops. Yeah, it doesn't even really end, it just stops. I think because Winslet said, "If they don't fire three of my agents before they shall cut, I will do to their balls the exact same thing they're currently doing with Jackman's!". Nobody could blame her.
(Meanwhile, Calvin is holding Baxter's laptop, loading it with viruses from porn sites)
Calvin: (typing) "Pornography with viruses".
(We go to the next segment, "Homeschooled", directed by Will Graham. Sean and Claire have recently moved and are having a talk with their neighbors, the Millers, played by Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts. Their son Kevin (Jeremy Allen White) is homeschooling)
NC (vo): One of the boys tries putting viruses on the brother's computer from a porn site, as they look up the next sketch. And yes, I, too, think there should be a written law that Liev Schreiber and Hugh Jackman should never be in a movie together again.
NC: Nothing personally against him, it's just bad things happen. (The poster for X-Men Origins: Wolverine is shown)
NC (vo): He and Naomi Watts play the parents of a homeschooled child they like to brag about, despite them being less than pleasant with him.
Claire: High school's about more than just classes and homework.
Robert: There's the alienation, the Ioneliness.
(Cut to Samantha passing by Kevin and bumping him, making him drop his books)
Samantha: You dropped your books, fuckface.
(Cut to Kevin playing basketball outside with Robert)
Robert: Pack your knees up! (throws a ball, knocking Kevin out)
NC (vo): Again, the idea's okay, as they say they don't want him to miss out on what other kids go through in school, so they "boy" him and make him feel awkward and do all sorts of terrible things...
NC: But, again, you know this is it. This is the one joke throughout the whole thing.
NC (vo): So you get a second of laughter, but a dozen minutes of boredom. There's no spin, uniqueness, or adding on top of the joke. It's just the same stale formula. You're expecting it to end with Steven Seagal telling an uncomfortable audience how great they've been before they cry-drive their way home.
(Samantha is shown in her son's room)
NC (vo; unenthusiastically): Look. They even want to act out his first kiss. He doesn't want that.
(Samantha tries instigate Kevin for a "first kiss" by smooching closer to his lips. Kevin doesn't even pay attention)
NC: Okay, give that kid an Oscar, because acting like you're not interested in Naomi Watts is hard. (Beat) Of course I mean it that way.
NC (vo): When they meet him, he seems well-adjusted enough, but enter punchline.
(Kevin reveals to Sean and Claire that he made a doll out of a mop with Samantha's face on it)
Kevin: Jen, my mom says hi.
NC: Yeah, I just saw him make out with his mom. How is this supposed to be the surprising shock ending?
(Cut to the third sketch, "The Proposition" that is directed by Steve Carr. It is about a pair named Julie and Doug, who are played by Anna Faris and Chris Pratt. They sit on the meadow)
NC (vo): The next sketch has Chris Pratt getting ready to propose to Anna Faris. (chuckles nervously) Well, this isn't uncomfortable.
Doug: There's something I want to ask you.
Julie: There's something I'd like to ask you.
Doug: How about we say it at the same time?
Doug and Julie: One, two...
Julie: Will you poop on me?
NC: (stunned, then waves hand) That's surprisingly made things less awkward.
(Urged by his best friend Larry and others to go along with it, Doug eats a large cake and drinks a bottle of laxative prior to the event)
NC (vo; sighs): This is the joke, right? It's all gonna be poop-related? (Julie is shown wearing an apron that reads "Bless This Dump" and squirting brown cream on the cake) Look, she has "dump" on her apron. Look, the frosting is just like poo. Look, they're talking about poo. Look, he gets a viagra for poo! Oh, I sure hope this ends with a golden shower!
(Doug is feeling uneasy while on bed, and Julie flirts with him)
Julie: Do you remember what I was wearing that day? Do you remember what I was wearing?
Doug: (his stomach grumbling) A yellow sundress. Come on, roll over and let me shit on you, please!
(Julie is angered and runs into the street. Chasing after her, Doug is then hit by a car and graphically evacuates his bowels everywhere. This is, of course, censored)
NC (vo): He uses the word "shit" instead of "poo", insulting her, causing her to run away...where was she even gonna go?...and a car hits him, resulting in POO!
Doug: (exhausted) I love you.
Julie: (panting) I love you.
NC: ...I'm just gonna pretend this was funny. (laughs forcibly) Ha-ha-ha...I couldn't even get free laughs out. I'm not that good an actor.
(When we go back to the main plotline, Baxter is really eager to find the so-called "Movie 43" and continues to search with J.J., going to the next video/sketch)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the younger brother obsesses with finding the entire Movie 43. I don't even get it. Do they think they're watching it in parts? Do they think they haven't found it and they're just watching random videos?
NC: I know it's a nitpick, but there's so little funny, it's the only thing I can focus on!
("Veronica", the fourth segment directed by Griffin Dunne, shows a grocery store worker named Neil (Kieran Culkin) arguing with his ex named Veronica (Emma Stone))
NC (vo): The next sketch opens in a grocery store with Kieran Culkin and Emma Stone. Finally, together at last!
Neil: How's your acid reflux?
Veronica: How's your HPV?
Neil: I can't believe you sucked off that hobo for magic beans.
Veronica: (almost sobbing) He was a wizard, Neil.
Neil: (puts a finger on Veronica's lips) Shh.
NC: ...I'll give them credit, while it isn't written very funny...
NC (vo): ...their diehard commitment to these performances...
NC: ...does make it kind of giggle-worthy!
Neil: (rolling finger around Veronica's lips) I wanna be aaaaaaaaaaallllll... (This is heard by the customers in other aisles) ...over your chin.
(Veronica sheds a single tear)
NC: (snickers) Shit. (slams the table) That made me laugh. Dammit! (slams it harder, realizing what he's done) Dammit!
Veronica: Do you still like fingers in your butthole?
Neil: You know the answer is yes.
(Veronica leaves Neil, crying softly)
Veronica: I'll see you in church.
NC: (snickers again and abruptly realizes with annoyance) Two?! It got TWO out of me?!
(All the customers agree to cover Neil's shift while he goes after her. Neil actually leaves the job, taking his shirt off. This actually ends the segment)
NC (vo): It is 100% their performances, though, as the sketch actually looks like it might go to new territory, with the people in the store offering to take over his shift so he can chase after her. My God! We might actually move on to something else funny in this! But then it just ends.
NC: Jesus Christ, the one time you actually had another joke, and you stop early!
NC (vo): Was it just...too much for you? Was having a different joke follow another the equivalent of (shot of...) going through the portal in 2001 [Space Odyssey]?
NC: My God, pace yourself! Such a lack of talent is not yet ready!
(We're shown a teen standing to a naked girl in a white background and presenting a new headset called "iBabe")
NC (vo; chuckles): Look, a naked woman. (Beat) That's it.
NC: (smiling) Now we're back to the trash I'm used to!
("Superhero Speed Dating", directed by James Duffy, features Robin and Batman (Justin Long and Jason Sudeikis) in a speed dating establishment seeking out a bomb by the Penguin. Robin tries to connect with several women at the table, including Lois Lane, played by Uma Thurman)
NC (vo): The next sketch is Justin Long as Robin and Jason Sudeikis as Batman ruining his speed date. He's approached by Uma Thurman playing Lois Lane, acting like she wants to get this bit over with as quickly as possible.
Robin: I thought you were dating Superman.
Lois: He's been stalking me ever since.
Lois: I look out my bedroom window, and there he is, just floating there and masturbating. (Robin almost chokes on his drink)
NC: Hey, don't put that past the DCEU. They might put that in.
(Batman shows up and dials Superman)
NC (vo): Batman interrupts, though, by calling Superman during their date.
Batman: (on the phone) I'm, uh, sitting with Lois...
Batman: (on the phone) And, uh, she's on a date with my boy, Robin.
(Superman, played by Bobby Cannavale, immediately appears and almost abruptly carries Robin into the bathroom, furious)
Superman: You stay away from Lois, or I'll use my heat vision to...
NC: Okay, it doesn't even matter what the rest of this line is; that edit was funny!
NC (vo): I'll admit, as unfunny this movie is, there is still decent timing, with actors who do know how to do comedy. They're just not given much to work with, if anything at all.
(Lois and Superman leave)
Batman: What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna get underneath the table, hide down there, and feed you lines. I'm gonna do it. (ducks under the table)
Robin: Batman, don't.
NC: Anything that brings the camera closer to his Dick Grayson, I'm very against.
(Supergirl, played by Kristen Bell, sits next to Robin while Batman is under the table)
NC (vo): Kristen Bell walks in as Supergirl, as Batman tries to feed him lines.
Batman: (via earpiece) So where are you from?
Robin: So where are you from?
NC: (as Batman, excitedly) Ask her about her pool gloves! (normally, as the Instagram photo of Kristen Bell wearing gloves in a pool is shown) No, seriously, Google that. Weird.
Batman: I can't believe the size of this thing. It's enormous down there.
Robin: (hesitating) I did not...
(Supergirl is weirded out)
Batman: It's a huge, bushy catastrophe down here.
NC: I'd like to think she was just memorizing "Love is an Open Door" in her head during this. Hell...
NC (vo): ...maybe Hans turning evil was her idea because it reminded her of how she was betrayed by this movie!
Robin: You can hear him?
Supergirl: Yeah, I can hear him.
Batman: (looks up) Hi.
Supergirl: Hi. (walks off)
NC (vo; as Kristen Bell): I skipped a day of ADR-ing for Good Place for this?
Batman: (notices something offscreen) It's the Penguin. (stands up) Excuse me. I'm gonna go do some Batmanning.
(Batman spots the Penguin (John Hodgman) sitting at one of the tables, but encounters his ex Wonder Woman, played by Leslie Bibb)
NC (vo): He goes to stop the Penguin, but runs into Wonder Woman, who's angry he didn't call her.
Wonder Woman: You were gonna stick by me no matter what happened. (starts sobbing) And then your little Bat-condom breaks. Do you know what it's like? Going to Planned Parenthood by yourself?
NC: (both hands on cheeks) I haven't a clue why Gal Gadot said no to this.
(While everybody is distracted, the Penguin brings out Supergirl with a bomb attached to her)
NC (vo): But the Penguin straps a bomb to Supergirl...is it even...
NC: ...worth bringing up why that doesn't make sense? Oh, screw it. Just freeze-frame that.
(A huge list is shown for a second, reading: "The explosion wouldn't hurt her because she's Supergirl. Even if it did, she could outrun the explosion because she's Supergirl. Even if she couldn't, nobody could get the bomb on her unless they had Kryptonite because she's Supergirl. Even if they did have Kryptonite, they'd have to strap that to her to actually hurt her because she's Supergirl. Even if they did strap Kryptonite to her...actually, that would work, just strap Kryptonite to her, but there wasn't any strapped to her, just a bomb. Unless, like, it was a bomb that exploded Kryptonite, a Krypto-Bomb, if you will. But that's silly. I mean, right? Right? A Krypto-Bomb? Was that a thing? I dunno. They didn't call it that in the movie, at least I don't think they did. It would require me going back to watch the movie again to check. And I just can't do that! I CAN'T!!!!")
NC (vo): ...and Robin tries to save her.
(Robin grabs a straw out of the cocktail and splashes it in the Penguin's face, accompanied by the brass sting and "SPLOOSH!")
Penguin: My non-monocled eye!
NC: (slams the table with both hands) Argh! Yeah, that's funny! Dammit! (shows five fingers) Could somebody get off of my hand how many laughs I actually had?!
(Supergirl is saved, but Batman reveals to Robin that...it was the disguise of the Riddler)
NC (vo): But Batman reveals it's actually the Riddler. Because, yeah, why not.
Robin: You knew that she was a dude?
Batman: Whole time.
Robin: Wow, why'd you make me kiss her?
Batman: I guess I woke up this morning with a little case of the fuckarounds. (laughs to himself)
NC: Oh, thank God, you made it unfunny again! (makes scales with hands) Things were feeling so unbalanced!
(The following segment, "Machine Kids", directed by Jonathan van Tulleken, is stylized as a black-and-white PSA)
NC (vo): So I guess the Dark Web videos the boys are searching through have commercials and PSAs, as this one warns you to be kinder to the little children who are secretly inside convenience machines.
Announcer: Physical, verbal, emotional abuse. Can't you see they're doing their best? Remember. (The caption is shown as it's read) Machines: they're full of kids.
(NC rests his head on his right hand, smiling)
NC: Okay. So...this film's not very funny, but I'd say about 3% of it is getting legit laughs out of me, and I've seen movies that couldn't even muster a percent!
NC (vo): Like, if I was to see some of these as short YouTube videos, I probably wouldn't be that insulted. I'd either just forget about it, or...maybe produce a slight giggle if it actually was funny. It's ironic the producer said he wanted this to be like Funny or Die, because a lot of these probably would have been better if the Funny or Die people actually handled them. (sighs) But no, we need the gripping computer segues that tie all of this together, because...it's a movie, right? Totally worth showing on the big screen?
(Back to J.J. and Baxter. They are interrupted by a man named Vrankovich, played by Fisher Stevens, via video call)
Baxter: Do you know where we can find Movie 43?
Vrankovich: Movie 43? Are you prepared to have a starving rat nibble out your eyeballs?
NC: I'd say this film's honest to a fault, but it's more honest to the thankfully considerate.
Baxter: (to J.J.) We gotta click this button.
Vrankovich: Do not click the button. The...
(Baxter clicks on the mouse, ending the screaming Vrankovich's video call and granting the access to Movie 43 they have found)
NC (vo): Oh, no, you started it from the beginning!
NC: (holds his hands behind the head, scared) I really would rather have rats eat out of my eyeballs!
(We go to a commercial. After returning, we go to the next sketch by Steven Brill, which is the continuation of the "iBabe" segment. In this, a developing company is having a meeting in their headquarters over their newly released product, the "iBabe", which is a life-sized, realistic replica of a nude woman which functions as an MP3 player. The company's boss is played by Richard Gere, and the executive named Robert that presents it is played by Aasif Mandvi)
NC (vo): The next sketch opens with that iBabe device that was shown earlier. Ah, so that was a...sneak peek of what was to come.
NC: I'm sure it went over as well as this sneak peek went over. (The poster for the delayed Sonic the Hedgehog movie which was set to be in 2019 is shown)
NC (vo): So the iBabe has a fan in her cooch, and the kids are putting all sorts of body parts inside her, getting them chopped off. At last, quality has returned to this movie.
Robert: iBabe is a...
Boss: Music player.
Arlene: It also looks and feels exactly like a naked woman. Teenage boys are physically attracted to naked women.
Robert: Our research doesn't support that, sir.
NC: (confused) Commentary?
Boss: Did you anticipate anybody breaching the cooling system? Dave?
(A worker wearing glasses looks at his boss and waves hands like saying "It happens", but revealing his right hand has been cut off)
NC: That was like a joke waking up, looking at its alarm clock and going, "Eh, I don't want to be funny today. I'm going back to sleep."
(The company's scientists bring out the new iBabe with a black skin (and another censor bar), to the rest's applause and support. The boss comes to the iBabe to touch her breasts)
NC (vo): They bring in the new iBabe with a choice of color...get it? Because black people!...and Richard Gere fiddles her gears.
Arlene: Oh, for Christ's sake.
(The boss manages to get a breast make a flapping sound, as it almost costed him his hand)
Boss: Now I understand. (chuckles and looks at his fingers)
NC: ...Why do you try everything to get out of this, again?
(The slogan for iBabe is shown, reading "Don't fuck it." We immediately go back to Vrankovich communicating with Baxter and J.J.)
NC (vo): Just when you're wondering, "Where is this all going"...bye. Yep. That's it. We needed a preview of this early on in the film?! That's like saying early on in the movie Monster, "Get ready for Charlize Theron's 39th blink!" (Pause, as the clip from this movie is shown, showing Aileen Wuornos speaking) YOU'RE WELCOME!!
(A group of Chinese mobsters hold Vrankovich at gunpoint)
NC (vo): The gangster on the computer is hijacked by other gangsters looking for Movie 43.
(The mobsters drag Vrankovich away and shoot below him, making him yell in pain and horrifying J.J. and Baxter)
J.J.: The fuck, man?!
Mobster 1: So you know where Movie Faulty-Three is.
Mobster 2: The movie that allows you to see into the future.
NC: Okay, it's not that funny yet, but...it does keep my interest. I do kinda want to go where it's going.
NC (vo): Actually, doing some research, I just found out: this link wasn't shown in America. It was an alternative version shown in different parts of the world. ...Really? Movie 43 needed to be altered so it'd be more accepted in other countries?
NC: Okay. There's one alteration that can be made that everybody could agree on.
(The poster of the film explodes)
Deep Voice (Doug): Refunds in the back.
NC: I'd leave happy. (stutters) I-I-I'd leave happy.
(The segment "Middleschool Date" features Jimmy Bennet and Chloe Moretz as Nathan and Amanda, who are watching television as a form of their first date. Before they kiss, Nathan's older brother Mikey (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) enters and teases him)
NC (vo): The next sketch shows two kids on their phones who start making out.
Mikey: Yeah! Nathan, on a date for once. (licks his finger)
NC: (as Mikey) I'm almost set for life from Superbad and How to Train Your Dragon. I'm just working off the ticket I got for littering.
(Amanda discovers she is menstruating and tries to hide it)
NC (vo): The girl gets her period, but the boy confuses her blood for fruit punch.
Mikey: (sees the blood on Amanda) Holy shit! You're covered in blood! Oh, my God!
Amanda: (panicking) Oh, my God!
Nathan: Oh, my God!
Mikey and Amanda: Oh, my God!
Nathan: Oh, my God!
NC: Why do I feel like my judging up this movie is gonna be based before and after viewing this sketch?
(Nathan and Mikey's father Steve, played by Patrick Warburton, shows up)
NC (vo): All right, Patrick Warburton. You're, like, the bacon of comedy. Put you in something, it's instantly better. Please save us.
Steve: (to Nathan) The lining of Amanda's internal organ is just spilling out of her.
Mikey: I got frozen peas and a sponge!
Steve: A man has to insert his erect phallus into her vagina.
NC: (poker-faced) Wow. It's like...the sketch was digging its own grave, and rather than Warburton come in to revive it, he's like, (imitates Warburton) "Let me get you a bigger shovel."
Mikey: (searching around in several cabinets) Yoo-hoo. Hey, baby, you ready?
(Amanda's father (Matt Walsh) enters, appalled)
Amanda's father: What the hell kind of sick family squashes a large tomato on my daughter's pants?
NC: What idiot directed this? I'm sending shit to their house!
(The photo of Elizabeth Banks is shown)
NC (vo): Elizabeth Banks?
NC: (holds up index finger) I made a vow never to shit-mail anyone from Wet Hot American Summer. You got lucky.
NC (vo): The girl admits she's getting a period, and her father takes her home.
Amanda's father: (to Steve) You don't have a camping tarp I can borrow, do you?
(A period of silence occurs)
NC: I should be more surprised if something like that wasn't said.
(Steve cheers his sons up by farting in front of them. As Mikey goes to the bathroom, Nathan and Steve watch a game on television, which has a very graphic Tampax commercial in which a beach girl gets eaten by a shark due to her menstruating)
NC (vo): The son pulls Warburton's finger, he farts, and they watch the game, right after a Tampax commercial where a woman gets eaten by a shark.
NC: In a strange way, that should be funny, but Movie 43 is kind of like antimatter. It shouldn't exist, but somehow, it does.
(It's followed by the next segment directed by Brett Ratner, "Happy Birthday". Pete, played by Johnny Knoxville, captures a leprechaun for his roommate Brian (Seann William Scott) as a birthday present. The said leprechaun, played by Gerard Butler, is tied to a chair in the basement)
NC (vo): The next sketch has Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott as roommates who are moving out because one slept with the other's girlfriend. But who cares, 'cause he captured a leprechaun for his birthday, played by Gerard Butler! Because of course.
Leprechaun: The last thing you'll ever see is my cock skull-fucking you!
(Pete slaps the leprechaun in the face)
Pete: Give us the fucking gold!
(The leprechaun spits blood from his mouth in Pete's face in response)
Leprechaun: Do you want the lights on or off when I fuck you with a pair of rusty scissors?
NC: Okay, even as a leprechaun with a high-pitched voice, Gerard Butler is still kinda badass! Just keep him away from the Phantom mask, and we're good!
Leprechaun: (as the camera gets closer to him) Lick my crusty Irish taint!
NC: (gets alarmed) ...ish.
NC (vo): By the way, Brett Ratner directed this one.
NC: I have no reason to mention that. I just want you to hate it as much as possible.
NC (vo): The phone rings, and it's another leprechaun, saying he'll bring them the gold. It appears to them at the front door, and he (Pete) drags it down to the basement. The sketch might redeem itself if there's a Warwick Davis cameo coming up.
(The other leprechaun, the captive's brother, also played by Butler, dives out of the pot of gold)
Leprechaun 2: Top of the morning, ladies!
NC: (annoyed) You got all these assholes and no Warwick Davis? He said yes to (posters of...) five Leprechaun sequels! Do you really think he'd say no to Movie 43?! (Beat) Well, get him anyway!
(Pete and Brian, while badly injured, defeat the leprechauns and throw them in trash bags. After this, Pete shows Brian the storybook fairy (Esti Ginzburg) he had upstairs)
NC (vo): The other leprechaun, also played by Butler, attacks them, but gets shot by Knoxville. They throw them out with the trash, which I'll admit, is a little funny, and Knoxville reveals the final part of his gift: a fairy upstairs.
Brian: What the hell am I supposed to do with a fairy?
Fairy: I suck cock for gold coins.
NC: (nods) This was a Ratner film, all right.
(The next segment directed by Farrelly, "Truth or Dare", features Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant as Emily and Donald, who are on a date in a Mexican restaurant)
NC (vo): The next sketch has Halle Berry fulfilling a bet she made when she was drunk that she couldn't do something worse than Catwoman.
Emily: I've been on so many blind dates in the past year, and they all are the same. Okay? "Where are you from?", "What does your sister do?"...
NC: (as Emily) "Why does my outfit look like Miss Piggy melted onto it?"
Emily: Let's play a game.
Emily: Have you played "Truth or Dare"?
NC (vo): They start playing "Truth or Dare", and...honestly, it almost sounds like a normal conversation...yeah, for this movie.
Emily: (points towards a large bearded man) I dare you to go and pinch his ass.
NC: To her credit, she's dared much weirder things. Like, she was dared a guy to put her in a John Wick movie, and nobody knows why she was there. (The poster for John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum is shown)
Emily: Look, I don't even have to be here. I can go home and watch Family Guy right now if you don't wanna play.
NC: (baffled) Sundays on Fox. Check your local listings.
(The game of Emily and Donald gets more extreme, as they continue to humiliate themselves)
NC (vo): He goes to grab the guy's ass, and he punches him, so he dares her to blow out a blind kid's birthday candles. At least it's...creatively mean-spirited. You can guess where it goes from here. They keep making more and more crazy dares, including getting a dick tattooed on his face and her making guacamole with her breast. Jesus, this movie's gonna be one big censor bar by the time it's done!
NC: And the sad thing is, most people would prefer that!
NC (vo): The dares finally end with them getting plastic surgery, so she looks like Howard the Duck, and he looks like Austen Michael Jackson Powers.
Emily: I'm just not that attracted to Asian men.
NC: It's like if all the latex from the Monty Python movies (Mr. Creosote from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life is shown) bunked all the latex from the Eddie Murphy movies. (The titular characters from Nutty Professor II: The Klumps are shown)
(J.J. and Baxter eventually find the real, the one and only Movie 43, which turns out to be from the future. Calvin joins the pair at the computer. It shows Baxter as a profane commando who leads a group of recruits to survive after the world has ended)
NC (vo): The boys finally find Movie 43, and...like I said before, I definitely couldn't predict this.
Future Baxter: I'm sending this message back in time. You see, when you idiots made me search for Movie 43, we triggered the top-secret Cold War initiative to control the mind of every American citizen.
NC: (legitimately impressed) This one's growing on me a bit.
(Baxter's mother appears in the video with a knife)
Mrs. Culter: I need to be out slaughtering.
Baxter: No! You carry my seed. You must stay here where it's safe, where I can protect you. Come here, Mama. (They embrace each other)
NC: All right, it's settled. The whole film should have been this.
NC (vo): The pointless segue with no celebrities that are usually an afterthought in anthology movies is honestly the funniest and most creative part of the flick. If they simply stuck with this, it could have been a Terminator meets Hot Tub Time Machine! I'm kind of pissed we didn't get an entire movie around this!
(A deadly earthquake rumbles, and the world starts crashing)
NC (vo): The world starts to explode, and the little brother is the only one who can stop it with his computer. But, you guessed it, the computer has viruses. So the Earth gets nuked, leaving the kids to survive in the apocalypse.
NC: (imitating El Guapo from Three Amigos!) I like this sketch. This is a funny sketch!
(A few years later, the only survivor, a crippled Calvin, finds Baxter's laptop still working despite viral infections. It refuses to return the world back to normal, as it's still virused, and offers to watch Movie 43 to the end)
NC (vo): Years later, one of them finds the laptop, asking if he wants to turn back the world to the way it was. The boy says yes, and the computer reports that it's impossible and he should just instead watch a movie.
NC: (laughs) That was also entertaining. (realizes with horror) No, that was actually entertaining! NOOOOO!!!
(The segment "Victory's Glory" by Rusty Cundieff is set in 1959. Coach Kenny Jackson, played by Terrence Howard, is lecturing his all-black basketball team before their first game against an all-white team)
Announcer: Kenny Jackson coached the Ellison High Journeymen...
NC: (sighs in despair) So the next sketch...
NC (vo): ...is about the first black basketball team going against an all-white basketball team, with Terrence Howard as the coach.
NC: Let me guess. The one joke is, "you're black, they're white, and this isn't hockey".
Coach Jackson: You're black! They're white! This-
NC: (really annoyed) Skip it!
(The end credits start rolling with the extra deleted scenes on the left side of the screen)
Mrs. Cutler: Hey, guys.
Vrankovich: (via video call) Who is that woman?
NC: Wait. Did I...skip to the ending?
NC (vo): There was...nothing else after that? But, wait. There's 17 minutes left. What was even the final joke? The whites get one point, and they win?
NC: ...Racism. Ha. That's really the last joke of the movie?
NC (vo): But...hold on. There can't be 17 minutes of credits. That makes no sense. Even if it has bloopers or deleted scenes, that's still 17 minutes!
NC: In fact, wait. Where's the James Gunn one?
(The segment "It's Beezel" starts up, beginning with a yellow animated cat popping up in the Looney Tunes rings)
NC (vo): Oh. They're...showing it now? In the credits?
NC: (really confused) 'Kay.
(Amy and Anson, played by Elizabeth Banks and Josh Duhamel, are a couple, and Anson's animated cat Beezel interrupts their moment alone)
NC (vo): This is Beezel. Beezel is about a guy who owns a cartoon cat that looks like Ren & Stimpy is being choked by Homer Simpson's ass.
Amy: I just don't think he likes me very much.
Anson: Oh, come on, Amy. He loves you.
(Beezel makes a motion, threateningly cutting his hair off his neck, which makes Amy worried)
NC: (as Amy) Fear not, I'll get revenge by directing my own shitty sketch!
NC (vo): Beezel makes threats to Banks' character and starts jerking off to pictures of his master.
(One day, Amy witnesses Beezel masturbating to summer vacation photos of Anson in a swimsuit. Beezel attacks her and violently urinates on her)
NC: (nods, smiling nervously) This is definitely old-school Twitter James Gunn directing this.
(Amy threatens to leave if Anson doesn't get rid of Beezel. Caring more about his relationship, Anson agrees to find a new home for him. The next day when it comes time to take Beezel away, he is nowhere to be found. Amy goes outside to look. Beezel then runs her over with a truck and attempts to shoot her to death with a shotgun. Amy chases him into the street and begins beating him with a shovel, which is witnessed by a group of children attending a birthday party at a neighboring house. The children of the party then attack and murder Amy for beating up Beezel, stabbing her with plastic forks)
NC (vo): He pisses on her, because...pee-pee, ha-ha-ha-ha!...and she threatens to leave the guy unless he puts her first. He does exactly that, but Beezel gets his revenge by running over her and shooting her. She survives that fine and beats him at a kid's birthday party, resulting in the kids stabbing her to death with cake forks.
NC: ...Give it a point for random originality, but...are we finally done?
(The credit "A Charles B. Wessler Entertainment Production" is shown)
NC: You sure?
(The second part of the end credits begins rolling)
NC: Okay. Well, if you can't even do your closing credits that smoothly, that's kind of the sign you're watching a shitty movie.
(The film's clips are shown for the last time as NC goes to the final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): Movie 43 is stupid, unfocused, lazily grotesque, and most of the time not funny.
NC: Which easily makes it (slams fist on his desk) one of the worst movies ever made! Or just...stupid, unfocused, lazily grotesque, and most of the time not funny.
NC (vo): I'll be honest, I've seen comedies far worse than this. I, at least, chuckled a couple times, and even found the computer segues pretty clever in how they built on top of every joke. So why is it called, as Richard Roeper put it, the Citizen Kane of awful? Well, I think a lot of that has to do with how many big stars are in it, how incredibly wasted they are, and that they're united not in a smart comedy, but in a desperate shock value comedy. Had the film been cast with a bunch of nobodies, people would probably forget it even existed. But it wasn't. It had a lot of big names who, I guess, we're just looking for vindication that, no matter how bad a film they would make later is, at least it wasn't Movie 43. It's pretty lame, and most of the time, it doesn't work, but is it the worst comedy ever made? I don't think so. I just think it's a bad movie. But don't get me wrong. "Bad" is still bad enough.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves to his right)
Channel Awesome tagline - Veronica: I'll see you in church.