November 29, 2011
Beginning in a theater of the style of the framing segments of Moulin Rouge. As an unseen audience applauds, Chester A. Bum walks in front of the big screen, bows to the audience and begins conducting the orchestra with his paper cup. The screen runs the Channel Awesome identifier, then the camera zooms in on the screen as it shows "Chicago, 2011". Linkara appears over an image of the skyline of Chicago as the picture in on NC's house and into his bedroom where he is sitting on his bed with rum in his hand and pages covering the bed and the walls.
There was a guy,
That critic with the glasses guy,
He once attempted to review
he hated it,
for causing so much misery.
NC: (thinking, lethargic and depressed) Moulin Rouge. A movie. A musical nominated for several Oscars. Directed by Baz Luhrmann. A film of pretentious pleasures, where arthouse beatniks and singing emos praise this uninspired buttfuck for its originality. How could they not see that this film has ripped off every tired romance, every overused line, every attention-grabbing editing trick to make people believe it's saying more than it really is? But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. (picks up laptop and starts typing on it) I first saw the movie exactly one week ago...
Fade to normal NC setup.
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Today, we're going to look at a movie that was said to bring back the movie musical. So films like Chicago, Hairspray, and Sweeney Todd all owe their thanks to this film. But sadly, so does Phantom of the Opera, Burlesque, and High School Musical. So a bit of a mixed blessing. But, hey, what it started is one thing. Does it still hold up after all these years? OF COURSE NOT!
The title of the movie is shown, before scenes from the movie play.
NC: (VO) It didn't even hold up when it first came out! But SOOOO many people were enthralled with how "artistic" it is and how "revolutionary" it is. Because there's nothing more revolutionary than playing songs we already know and recycling plotlines that even Twilight would laugh at!
An audience gasps.
NC: Oh, that's right! I fucking went there! I hate this film that much! This is an ungodly annoying piece of crap! And given the films that I've watched, (shows covers of Batman and Robin, Street Fighter, Double Team, and Waterworld) that says a mouthful as big as the Jolly Green Giant's condom size! So let's cut to the beginning and see why this film sucks so much.
The movie starts, first showing a depressed writer named Christian writing a story on his typewriter.
NC: (VO) We see our oh so tortured artist, as he looks back thinking about what put him in a state of woe that most art college students pray they could be unprivileged enough to reach.
Christian: The woman...I loved...is...dead.
NC: Oh, thanks. Spoilers!
NC: (VO) This is Christian, played by Ewan McGregor. He moved to Paris in 1899 to become an ARTISTE, where he heard the Bohemian Revolution was going on and realized that he had just the right amount of style and perfect lack of substance to fit in perfectly.
As Christian narrates, we see him in the past arrive in Paris, where he settles in at an apartment in the Montmartre district.
Christian: (narrating) I had come to write about truth, beauty, freedom, and that which I believed in above all things: love. There was only one problem: I'd never been in love! Luckily, right at that moment, an unconscious Argentinean fell through my roof. [That bit exactly happens, an Argentinian falls through Christian's roof] He was quickly joined by a dwarf dressed as a nun.
Toulouse: (bursts in) How do you do? My name is Henri Marie Raymond Toulouse-Lautrec Monnnnnnntfa!
NC: (VO) So, as you've probably guessed, the style of this movie is...well...I'd say over-the-top, but I think even Salvador Dali, Jerry Lewis, and Charlie Sheen would be trying to have an intervention with this movie.
Bohemian: How is he? [Notices the still-unconscious Argentinian] Oh, wonderful. Now the narcoleptic Argentinean is now unconscious, and therefore, the scenario will not be finished in time to present to the financier tomorrow!
NC: (VO) Yeah. There is nothing subtle about it. The whole thing is told like one long music video, which, for the music sections, is great, but for the dialogue scenes, it makes you want to pluck your pubic hair with a chainsaw.
Bohemian: Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop! That insufferable groaning is drowning out my words! Please just stick to a little decorative piano.
NC: (VO) In fact, let's play a game. It's called "find the shot that lasts more than five seconds". Go ahead. I dare you to find one.
The ensuing scene of the Bohemians talking about lyrics is shown with a time counter resetting to five every time there is a new shot. The counter never gets below three. After a string of shots lasting less than a second, the counter screams (in Tom's scream from Tom and Jerry) and explodes.
NC: (VO) I mean, imagine if I did an entire review in the style of what this movie is giving us.
NC is running around the room at high speed and flailing his arms and body cartoonishly as he talks.
NC: Hello, Critic. What's up with you?
NC is shown from several weird angles with cartoon sound effects.
NC: Oh, nothing much. What's up with you?
Back to high speed NC.
NC: Oh, nothing much. I just wanted to see if you were still talking to yourself.
Back to weird angle NC.
NC: Why, yes, Critic! I sure am!
Back to high speed NC.
NC: That is good to know!
Both NCs do various cartoony faces and motions followed by an animated Tarsem from The Cell appearing.
Tarsem: ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS! ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS! HOOHOOHOO!
NC: (VO) So Christian tells his friends that he wants to be a soul searching poet. And, like most attention-grubbing artists, he achieves great praise by completely ripping off somebody else's work.
Christian: (singing) The hills are alive...with the sound of music!
NC: (VO) Ah, yes. I'm sure this is what Rogers and Hammerstein had in mind when they wrote this angelic music: dwarfs, crossdressers, and Obi-Wan Kenobi in lederhosen. Hey, if that doesn't come into your mind when you hear this stuff, then you need to seek some help, weirdo!
Christian: (narrating) We were off to the Moulin Rouge, and I was to perform my poetry...for Satine.
NC: (VO) So they go to the bordello called Moulin Rouge to meet up with Zidler, the owner, and Satine, the star. And, of course, we get more already existing songs, crazy visuals, and annoying editing.
A large performance is shown throughout the Moulin Rouge, with Zidler, the owner, leading all the various dancers, the Diamond Dogs, around.
Zidler: (rapping) If life's an awful bore/And living's just a chore/That you do 'cause death's not much fun./I've just the antidote/And though I mustn't gloat/At the Moulin Rouge, you'll have fun!
NC: (VO) I'm sorry, I just can't get into this. It's loud, it's stupid, and there's not dramatic backing for it in any way.
NC: I mean, who in their right mind would actually enjoy this?
Brentalfloss appears in a flying light.
Brentalfloss: No, Critic! There's so much more to this movie than you give it credit for!
Floss: The one and only, baby. Look, there is a lot more good to this movie that you're not seeing.
NC: Hey, I love your stuff, but what's stupid is stupid, and this movie is clearly stupid!
Floss: No, Critic. You just gotta get...MORE INTO IT!
Floss reaches into the screen and pulls NC to where he is in front of the movie.
Floss is now dressed as Zidler.
NC: (looking around) What the hell? (to Floss) Why do you look like the Dumbo mouse?!
Floss: (imitating Zidler until otherwise noted) I told you, Critic! If you want to truly enjoy this movie, YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF TO THE MOVIE!
Floss starts dancing and rapping around the film's opening musical number, as a confused NC watches and listens.
Most movies follow rules,
The kind you learn at filmy schools,
But here, good ole Baz will have none of it!
The content may be lame,
But speak this movie's name,
And you will see, people love it!
But maybe I'm deluded!
But aren't the songs well-suited?
And even if it's stupid,
So let go of your fear!
Grab a girly beer!
I know you think it's drivel,
But I eat it up like kibble!
Because it's bright and pretty,
The use of songs is witty!
And even if it's shitty,
Word to your mare!
They teleport in front of a red curtain.
Floss: You see, Critic, the movie is in and of itself...A MUSICAL EXPERIENCE!
NC: Yeah, but just because something is shot really intensely doesn't mean it is intense.
Floss: Oh, come on. Even you have to agree the cinematography is BRILLIANT!
NC: Yeah, when you can see it.
NC: (VO) The editing goes by so fast, you're never allowed to enjoy how well the shots are set up. In fact, you could edit anything in there and it would fit in!
Scenes of the "Can Can" scene are spliced with scenes from Batman and Robin, scenes of Chuck Norris fighting, scenes from the "Pink Elephants" scene from Dumbo, Pennywise laughing from IT, dancing cats, and the dancing monks from Simon Sez.
NC: You see?
Floss: Oh, all right, that can be a problem sometimes, but there's so much more awesomeness this movie contains!
NC: Like what?
Floss: (waves his hands) Dispepdididush!
They disappear in a poof and a clip for the film replaces them, first showing the film's other main character, Satine.
Floss: (VO) Like, how about when the crazy party atmosphere is suddenly interrupted by stylistic silence of Satine's appearance.
Satine is lowered into the crowd silently.
NC: AH! A QUIET MOMENT! TAKE IT OFFSCREEN! (Floss sighs in annoyance)
Satine: (singing quietly) The French are glad to die for love...
NC: So how long do you think this silent moment's gonna last?
Floss: Hey, don't assume just because it's a loud, crazy musical that the whole movie is...
Satine: (singing loudly with accompaniment) A kiss on the hand...
NC and Floss: About 12 seconds.
Satine: (singing) But diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Floss: (VO) So Satine may look like your everyday Rocky Horror prostitute Barbie, but in reality, we discover she's looking for something more.
NC: (VO) More? What the hell else could she possibly want? She's the center of the fucking universe!
Floss: (VO) You see, she needs to seduce a very rich Duke so that he will finance her real dream.
While taking a brief rest spot during her performance, Satine talks with Zidler.
Satine: Will he invest?
Zidler: Pigeon, remember, a real show, in a real theater, with a real audience, and you'll be...
Satine: A real actress.
NC: (VO) Oh, yeah, 'cause Lord knows, THIS isn't enough! Being hailed as a frigging goddess, men wanting you, women wanting to be you, performing every night to hundreds of people greeting you with applause. Yeah, I can see how being an actress would be ENTIRELY different from this!
Floss: But don't you see? They don't want to combine sex and acting together.
NC: Well, then they're in the wrong time period.
Floss: Zidler just wants to open a theater! And Satine just wants to act.
NC: Okay, then. Tell me this: why didn't they just open a theater? (Floss thinks)
NC: (VO) I mean, if they decided to start off with a bordello, why couldn't they just turn it into a theater now? This place is crawling with riches, so why do they need this Duke fellow to throw money at them when literally the audience IS THROWING MONEY AT THEM?!
Floss: Because it's her dream.
NC: Well, their dream is stupid.
Floss: (normal voice) You're stupid!
They have a childish slap fight while gibbering and arguing. Back to the film, where we see Satine meet Christian for the first time, and they go into Satine's room.
NC: (VO) So through a misunderstanding, Satine mistakes Christian for the Duke, who's only there to get his play produced, which, of course, results in the classic double entendres that even second-graders would moan at.
Christian: I'd rather just, uh...get it over and done with.
Satine: Then let's get it over and done with.
Christian: I'd prefer to do it standing.
Christian: It's quite long, but I think if you're open, then...then you might enjoy it. Sometimes, it takes a while for, you know, inspiration to come.
A scene from Milk Money is shown.
Father: You think you can fit him in?
V: At his age?
Father: I'm afraid if he doesn't learn it now, he's never going to.
Floss: Hey, was that last clip from Milk Money?
NC: Could you tell the difference?
Satine: Let mummy help. (grabs Christian's crotch) Does that inspire you?
NC: (VO; as Christian) Well, my balls are alive with the sound of WHOOPIIIEEEE!
Christian: It's a little bit funny.
Christian: This...feeling inside.
NC: (VO) So Christian continues to quote songs--oh, I mean, create poetry--as Satine thinks he's merely trying to turn her on.
Cristian: I don't have much money but...boy, if I did, I'd buy a big house where we both could...could live.
Satine: YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!! OH!!! OH!!!
Cristian: But it's the best I can do.
Satine: NAUGHTY!!! DON'T STOP!!!
A scene from When Harry Met Sally is shown.
Woman: I'll have what she's having.
Satine: YES!!! YES!!!
Christian: (singing) My gift is my song... (Satine stops and is transfixed) ...and this one's for you.
NC: (VO) Okay, I'm sorry. I don't care if they're quoting great songs. Nobody just freezes hypnotized when they sing the first few notes. I mean, yeah, music is powerful, but he says just one word and the people are spontaneously entranced!
Floss: Well, I disagree, Critic. I, for one, can tell from the first note of a song whether it's going to be good or not.
NC: Oh, really?
NC: (singing) I...
NC: (singing) The...
NC: (singing) When...
Floss: Been done.
NC: (singing) They...
NC: (singing) We...
NC: (VO) So, while singing his song, he realizes that even though he's only known her for just a few seconds and she's acted like a total spaz, HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER! But sadly, the truth must be revealed.
Christian: I'm not a Duke.
Satine: Not a Duke?
Christian: I'm a writer.
Satine backs off from the kiss to the losing horns from The Price Is Right.
Satine: A writer?
The villain of the movie, the Duke, is shown.
NC: (VO) And just who is the Duke, you might ask? Why, Basil Exposition from Austin Powers!
Floss slaps him in the back of the head.
Floss: You foo-el! That's actor Richard Roxburrrrrgh! He's played some of the greatest villains of this generation!
NC: Like who?
Floss: Uh, well...this...and many other subtle film roles.
NC: He's about a subtle as Kabuki mime school.
Floss: No, no. He's played the villain in lots of subtle movies. Uh, like...uh... (shows Mission: Impossible 2) Okay, that's no good, but what about his Oscar-winning performance in... (shows Van Helsing) Okay, okay. But how can you forget his UNBELIEVABLE role in... (shows Stealth) ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE TEASING ME!
NC: I'm outta here. (tries to leave)
Floss: No, wait, wait! Just because he played an over-the-top role in some other movies doesn't mean he'll be over-the-top here! LOOK! Look at this heartbreaking drama.
We see a later scene of the Duke speaking with Zilder.
Duke: Satine will be mine. It's not that I'm a jealous man. I JUST DON'T...LIKE OTHER PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!!!
NC and Floss are both dumbfounded at that clip, which had proven Floss's statement wrong.
NC: ...You can have him. (tries to leave)
Floss: Wait! Wait!
NC: Look, I appreciate that you're trying to make me enjoy this movie...
Floss: No, you don't.
NC: ...You're right, but either way, it's not gonna happen. I'm not gonna like it.
Floss: Hmm. With a mind as cynical as yours, perhaps what we need is a mind even MORE cynical to combat it! (waves hands) Flibberyflabefoo!
They poof into a bedroom.
NC: Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but...wait a minute, this looks familiar...Oh, no!
Nostalgia Chick, Nella, and Elisa appear dressed in showgirl outfits and dancing to "Lady Marmalade".
NC: Nostalgia Chick, you actually like this movie?
Nostalgia Chick: I'm sorry, Critic, I have no choice.
Nella and Elisa: No choice!
Chick: It's had far too big an impact on singing in movies.
Nella and Elisa: Movies!
Chick: And besides, it brought back the cinematic musical.
Nella and Elisa: ...Ical!
NC: What are you doing dressed up like that, anyway?
Chick: Oh, we do this every third Thursday of the month. It's our Moulin Rouge slumber party.
Nella and Elisa: Boa Fight! (They giggle as they flog each other with boas)
NC: Okay, I refuse to believe you can find anything good in this flick!
Chick: Oh, it has its flaws. Its major...major flaws. But, uh...it's still really good!
Nella and Elisa: Ly good!
Floss: Come on, Critic! The water in the we-likey-Moulin Rouge pool is fine!
Nostalgia Chick sits down with them.
NC: Okay, but if we're gonna talk about this, can we do it in a better location? I feel like I'm at the beginning of a very bizarre porno.
Floss: Absolutely! (snaps his fingers)
The three poof into a convention room.
Floss: Oh, I seem to have warped us to some convention of some kind. (snaps his fingers)
They poof into the Magic Kingdom--Nostalgia Chick looks delighted.
Floss: Oh, we seem to be in Disney World for some reason. (snaps his fingers)
They poof into a tropical beach.
Floss: That's Honolulu... (snaps his fingers)
They poof in front of the Death Ray from The Fallout 3 DLC, Mothership Zeta.
Floss: That's classified... (snaps his fingers)
They poof into a slave camp from Planet of the Apes.
Floss: That's the future... (snaps his fingers)
They poof in front of themselves from earlier as their past selves look at them confused.
Floss: That's two minutes ago... (snaps his fingers)
They poof into a bathroom with a surprised Spoony brushing his teeth.
Floss: That's Spoony's house... (snaps his fingers)
They poof into another bedroom.
Floss: Oh, this seems to be my place. Well, haha. (moves to snap his fingers but the other two hold him back)
NC: No, no! It's good! It's good! We'll stay!
Chick: We're cool! We're cool.
NC: Okay, so you guys are trying to tell me that this is a good movie. Well, tell me: what's a scene like this doing in a good movie?
Back to the film, showing the Duke coming into Satine's room and Satine trying to distract him while Christian hides.
NC: (VO) It's where Satine is trying to hide Christian from the Duke while also trying to seduce him. At least I think that's what this is.
Satine: DO! WO! I feel like dancing! (dances around making loud bird noises as the caption "Oscar Nominated Performance" is displayed)
NC: You're telling me that you would actually do the Woody Woodpecker routine to get a guy?
Chick: (sheepishly) Of...of course not...that's...
NC: (deadpan) Where and when?
Cut to the home of Todd in the Shadows. Todd sits down to his computer and plays a video.
Chick: (in video) Oh, you make me feel like dancing!
The video is titled "This Will make you love me, I SWEAR!!"
Nella: Dancing, yes, dancing!
Chick: (to Nella) Quit it!
Nella: Look at her great personality!
Chick: God, you're failing!
Nella: I'm trying to make it look good!
Chick: Shut up!
Todd: (sighs) I really need to stop opening attachments from her.
Chick: HE'S NEVER GONNA WANT ME!!
Cut back to the movie.
Floss: (VO) So, despite Satine brilliantly distracting him...
NC and Nostalgia Chick stare at him.
Floss: You have your version. I have mine.
Floss: (VO) ...the Duke suddenly comes across Christian.
Satine: Ah, yes, we were...we were rehearsing.
Duke: (laughs mockingly) You expect me to believe that scantily clad, in the arms of another man, in the middle of the night, inside an ELEPHANT, you were rehearsing?!
NC: I mean, if it was a giraffe maybe, but AN ELEPHANT?!
Toulouse and his friends suddenly come in to help Satine and Christian speak with the Duke, convincing him to invest in a play they have written.
Toulouse: How's the rehearsal going?
Chick: (VO) But luckily, the rest of the theater group drops in to help with the charade.
Duke: What's the story?
Duke: Well, if I'm going to invest, I need to know the story.
Zidler: Well, the story's about...
Everyone looks at Christian.
NC: (sarcastically) Gee, could it be about love?
Christian: It's about love!
Floss: Well, how on Earth did you guess that?
NC motions toward the screen, a montage of Christian and Satine saying "love" plays.
Floss: Well, I see your point. Perhaps they...
NC motions toward the screen, another montage of Christian and Satine saying "love" plays.
Floss: Yes, that word is a bit overused, but maybe they needed...
NC motions toward the screen, a montage of various characters saying "love" plays.
Floss: Well, maybe...
NC motions toward the screen, a long montage of various characters saying "love" plays.
Floss: OKAY, SHUT UP!!! (the other two stare at him) Please.
Chick: (VO) I'll admit, as much as they talk about love in this movie, they never really explain what it is. We just know that it's really, really good and everybody wants it.
NC: (VO) Yeah, they just say the word over and over more than they actually do analyze it.
Chick: (VO) And the only people who understand it are good and the only people who don't understand it are bad.
Christian: It's about love!
NC: (as Duke) Ah, yes, that "human" emotion I've heard so much about!
Christian, Satine, Zidler, and crew: (singing to Offenbach's "Can Can") So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!/So delighting, it will run for 50 years!
Floss: (VO) But, hey, the Duke decides he wants to fund their show if it means getting into Satine's satins. That means they're going to turn their bordello into a THEATER!
NC: (VO) I still don't get how they couldn't have the funding to do that before. I just don't...
Floss: (VO) But, OH, NO! He's holding the deed of the Moulin Rouge, too!
Chick: (VO) That seems like bad planning.
Duke: Naturally, I shall require some security. I shall require the deeds to the Moulin Rouge.
Floss: But, hey, wouldn't you trust a guy who literally seconds before signing a contract did this?
Duke: I JUST DON'T LIKE OTHER PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!!!
NC: ...Maybe if I had my brain lobotomized with a spork!
Floss: Well, there you go!
We are shown Christian and Satine bonding with each other atop various rooftops.
NC: (VO) So Satine and Christian talk a little bit about love. Again, not as much what it is or how it works, but just how gosh darn awesome it is!
Christian: (singing) I was made for lovin' you, baby/You were made for lovin' me./Just one night/Just one night.
Satine: (singing) There's no way, 'cause you can't pay...
Christian: (singing) In the name of love...
Satine: (singing) I won't give in to you.
Christian: (singing) Don't...leave me this way.
NC: (VO) Boy, this must have been the fucking easiest screenplay to write. Just let your mix CD get jumbled into your CD player, and write down whatever lyrics you can make out.
Floss: (VO) That, or put five dollars into the jukebox and write down only the main choruses you hear.
Floss: Oh, that's right. I got a screenplay.
Satine: I can't fall in love with anyone.
Christian: A life without love, that's terrible!
Satine: No, being on the street, that's terrible.
NC: (VO) So Satine confesses to Christian that she isn't exactly in love with him. Her mind is far too preoccupied with her goals to ever let such a silly idea get in the way...
Chick: (VO) But then he sings a Whitney Houston song! She's total putty in his pants.
Floss: Whitney Houston?
NC: Does that work?
Chick: Pants putty. (NC and Floss think to themselves.)
Christian and Satine: (singing) I can't help loving...
Satine: You're going to be bad for business. I can tell. (they kiss)
As the three reviewers speak, we are shown various footage of Satine and Christian together.
Chick: (VO) So despite the fact that she falls in love faster than a Disney Princess, Satine still acts like she's interested in the Duke, despite the fact that they try to avoid him at every chance they get.
NC: (VO) Now, why is this a big deal? She's prostituted herself for years and now she suddenly can't sleep with this guy because she has the hots for Trainspotting here?
Floss: Don't you see? She's in love now!
NC: Yeah, but it happened in, like, a millisecond! That only happens in animated features and fairy tales!
Nostalgia Chick clears her throat and holds up a video cover of The Little Mermaid.
NC: Shut up. I like that one.
Floss: Haha! A penis! (points at the VHS) Well, just because she's a whore doesn't mean she's a HORrible person.
Chick: (VO) But it's true. These quick romances do come mostly from children's stories, and that confuses things a bit when you see scenes that have the dancers bending over or going down on somebody. And for someone like Satine who was so gung ho about not falling in love, she turned over pretty damn quickly.
NC: Why are you taking my side? I thought you liked this movie.
Chick: Well...look at the remixes they did.
Several other musical numbers are shown in several clips.
Chick: (VO) While I'm not wild about jukebox musicals as a genre, they do sound very nice. And as the film progresses, the editing slows down a bit, too, allowing us to see some of the great sets and the cinematography. Sure, the plot and characters can be silly, but it's relatively harmless, right?
Floss: See, Critic? There's so much to enjoy!
Chick: Besides, it gives us some batshit crazy moments, like this.
The "Like a Virgin" musical sequence is shown.
Zidler: (singing) Like a virgin/Touched for the very first time/Like a viiiiiiirgin/When your heart beats close in time/If you want her love...
Dancing waiters: (singing) If you want her love...
Zidler: (singing) Fear is fading fast...
Dancing waiters dance a Broadway style number with a mock wedding between Zidler and the Duke. Floss and Nostalgia Chick dance around a horrified NC.
Duke: (singing) Like a virgin/Touched for the very first time/Like a viiiiiiirgin/When your heart beats close in time. (over last notes of song) Feels so good inside....
The song ends. Chick and Floss stop dancing as NC remains confused.
NC: So that...was about doing it with a lady, right?
We are shown Satine telling Christian that their relationship endangers the show, but Christian counters by writing a secret love song to affirm their love.
Floss: (VO) But they quickly discover they can't hide from the Duke anymore. Satine has to finally sleep with him. In order for the deal to go down, she has to go down. But Christian sings her a song to remind her of his love while looking over the city.
NC: (VO) Yeah, what is this, like, the third time they've done that?
Floss: (VO) Fourth. However, the Duke is given the hint that Satine and Christian have been seeing each other all along.
As the Duke watches Christian rehearsing with Satine, Nini, a jealous performer, approaches him.
Nini Legs-in-the-Air: This ending's silly. Why would the courtesan go for the penniless writer? Whoops...I mean sitar player.
The Duke becomes suspicious. NC is confused at that character.
NC: ...Who was that?!
Chick: I don't know.
NC: Was she a main character?
Chick: I don't know.
NC: A side character?
Chick: I don't know!
NC: Does she even have a name?
Floss: Of course she has a name! Do you think they'd let a character reveal such a huge plot device if she didn't have a name?
NC: Okay. What is it?
Floss: Uh...AHEMbellin. Besides, we do see her before. Like there... (points to her in a musical number) ...and there... (points to reaction shot) and there. (points to her barely visible in a crowd)
NC: Yeah, but does she ever say any lines?
Floss: Uh, a few.
NC: Well, do any of them connect with why she wouldn't want Satine and Christian to get together?
Floss: Uh...look at the dance sequences!
An earlier musical scene is shown, before NC stops it.
NC: COME OFF IT, FLOSS! You know this is horribly put together!
Floss: No, it wasn't! It makes about as much sense as the fact that Christian is sad because he didn't realize that being with a prostitute would mean she'd be sleeping with other people! (normal voice as aside) God, I'm bad at this.
Chick: (VO) So Satine finally goes to give herself to the Duke. Christian waits in the shadows while the theater crew puts on one of the most conveniently coincidental dance numbers they could muster up.
The "El Tango de Roxanne" scene starts. Throughout this whole scene, we see Christian watching the theater group rehearsing a performance, while Satine has dinner with the Duke. Seeing that scene suddenly makes NC nervous.
NC: Oh, no, this scene...
Floss: What about it?
NC: ...Nothing! It...it sucks.
Argentinean: Where love is for the highest bidder, there can be no trust! Without trust, there is no love!
Floss: (looks at a nervous NC) You like this scene.
NC: I do not! It...it's stupid!
Argentinean: (singing) Roxanne/You don't have to put on that red light.
Chick: Admit it, Critic. Even you can't deny how Earth-shatteringly awesome this sequence is.
Floss: The music, the pacing, the editing, it's just a goddamn cool scene.
NC: (desperately trying to deny it) No, no, it's stupid! This movie is stupid! Everything in it is stupid!
Phelous suddenly appears, imitating the Argentinean.
Phelous: No, Critic, no! You have to acknowledge the coolness of the scene! (NC gets up and walks outside) With the scene, there is the love! With the love, there is the enjoyment! With the love, there is the lovelovelovelovelovelove! But its pretentiousness will drive you mad!
He starts singing. All throughout this musical number, Floss and Chick dance the tango, NC walks outside, and more footage of the "El Tango de Roxanne" sequence is shown.'
They just cover pop songs elaborately!
It makes no sense
How they take it so damn seriously!
So proud of the way they rip songs apart
But a new coat of paint doesn't make it art!
NC: (singing, finally starting to open up and reveal something positive about the film)
Though in my heart I know it's asinine
I respect the production design
Elements so diverse
All the hours of rehearsal you can tell
Not to mention the vision
To believe it would turn out well!
Phelous: (singing as Floss and Nostalgia Chick dance and later get caught taking a break)
YouTube is where mash-up videos belong!
Otherwise just write your own damn songs!
So proud of the way they botch classic rock!
Ugh! These creative thieves can all suck on my...
There's no shame
In liking something lame.
A rose by any other name
Is what it is
And if you like it, that's okay.
Oancitizen: Hey, guys, what's up?
NC, who is back in the room with Floss and Chick, is stunned.
NC: (awkwardly) Kyle from "Brows Held High"...Hi...
Oancitizen: Whatcha doin'?
NC: (awkwardly) Oh...nothing...nothing.
Oancitizen: Well, sure there is. You guys are together and...singing.
NC: (as the other two look around nervously) Ummm...
Oancitizen: Without me.
NC: It's nothing personal, Kyle. It's just, uh...
Oancitizen: You know that I did the first musical review on this site, right? "Brows Held High: The Man Who Fell to Earth". Um, Miss Ellis, you were in it, weren't you?
Chick: Hey, I put you in my Les Mis thing. I didn't even know who the hell you were!
Oancitizen: And you didn't think to include me in your little crossover.
Floss, Nostalgia Chick, and NC look around nervously as Oancitizen twitches in anger. Eventually, he roars and starts throwing furniture and clothes around the room. He overturns his bed, smashes a shoe, tries to shoot out a mirror with a toy gun...
Oancitizen: THIS GUN DOESN'T WORK!!!
...tries to stab himself with a prop knife...
...all as the trio and Phelous react in over-dramatic ways to his angst. He ends up covered in clothes with a laundry basket on his head, crying.
NC: Oh, get over it!
Oancitizen: (calmly) Okay. (gets up and walks away as if nothing happened)
We go back to the movie, as we see the Duke attempting to rape Satine.
Floss: (VO) So the Duke finds out that she can't fully give herself to him because of Christian. Before he kicks the living shatine out of her, one of the theater crew comes out and saves her.
Satine's savoir looks at Satine after saving her.
NC: (VO) So naturally, the Duke would want to go after the guy who knocked him out, right?
Chick: (VO) Actually, no, because he had even less lines than the exposition fairy. So the Duke decides to keep his focus on Christian.
The Duke is shown confronting Zidler.
Duke: She will come to me when the curtain falls...or I'll have the boy killed.
NC: (VO) Wow! Now we're going into cold-blooded murder?
NC: Well, obviously, Zidler should get out of this totally insane business deal with this guy.
Zidler: (to Satine) Unless you do his ending and sleep with him tomorrow night, the Duke will have Christian killed.
NC: Jesus! I never knew the theater world was so cutthroat.
Chick: More than you'll ever know. (starts sobbing)
Floss: Spamalot had to kill five families in order to get off the ground.
NC: ...When will Broadway learn? (all three stare sadly at the camera)
Chick: (VO) But she finds out some more bad news. Apparently, the doctor was nice enough to tell everybody but Satine that she's dying from consumption, which, for some reason, means that she can't leave and run off with Christian.
NC: (VO) Well, obviously, then, she has to tell Christian what's going on so they can figure out a plan together to stop this madman from doing any more crazy things...
NC: ...and that's not remotely what happens, is it? (all three shake their heads).
Floss: (VO) No. The obvious thing to do is not to tell Christian about any of this. Pretend she doesn't love him anymore, and totally break his heart, while spending the last of her days in a loveless relationship, knowing she's crushed the only man she cared about.
Zidler: Use your talent to save him! Hurt him to save him.
NC: (VO) THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD! All she has to do is tell him the truth and figure out a plan together! How the hell is she saving his life if she's destroying him psychologically? What's worse: dying with the one you love or being emotionally assassinated by that same person?!
The "Show Must Go On" musical sequence is shown, showing Zidler and Satine sadly preparing for their big show in the Moulin Rouge.
Zidler: (singing) The show must go on!/The show must go on!
Satine: (singing) On with the show!
Zidler: On with the show!
NC: (VO) Hell, even if she told the Duke she was dying, that would probably turn him off!
Chick: (VO; as Satine) I'm dying.
NC: (VO; as Duke) Ew! Keep that lousy deed! I'm not into necrophilia! (walks out door)
NC: (VO) It makes no sense!
Floss, having suddenly realized there's something in the film he actually hates, snaps.
Floss: Well, of course it doesn't make any sense! Love doesn't make any sense! Seeing it in a movie doesn't make any sense! You, me, love, life, it doesn't make any sense. (starts hyperventilating)
NC: Floss, calm down!
Floss: (back to normal voice for the rest of the review) No, you're right! (rips off his mustache and hat) Nothing about this movie adds up! None of it! So, I'm just going to do what this movie taught me to do when nothing adds up, which is sing a song with the word "love" in it! All you need is LOVE! Mama, I just killed a LOVE! Put a gun against his LOVE! Pulled my trigger, now he's LOVE! I'm a little teapot short and LOVE LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE...love...lo... (puts his face in his hands)
Chick: Feel better?
NC: (VO) So Satine's breakup with Christian is about as convincing as Edward's breakup with Bella, but thankfully, Christian is about as smart as Bella, so he completely falls for it.
Christian is standing outside of the Moulin Rouge in the middle of the pouring rain.
Christian: SATIIIIINE!!! SATIIIIINE!!!
A scene from A Streetcar Named Desire is shown.
Stanley: Hey, STEEEEEEELLAAAAA!!!
Christian falls down to the ground, depressed.
NC: (VO) Yeah. Just remember in all those years of heavy drinking and suicidal tendencies, that she saved your life.
The night of the show, which is to be performed with the changed ending under the Duke's demands, Christian sneaks into the Moulin Rouge, intending to pay Satine her fee as a courtesan.
Floss: (VO) But Christian isn't done yet. Because he was so emotionally destroyed by the breakup, he goes back to Satine during the big show and tells her how he really feels.
Christian: I've come to pay my bill. You made me believe you loved me! Why shouldn't I pay you?
Nostalgia Chick is seething.
Floss: Nostalgia Chick, you okay?
Chick: Fine. I'm fine.
Christian: WHY CAN'T I PAY YOU LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?!
Satine: No, Christian, there's no point.
Floss: Seriously, you don't look so good.
Chick: I'm fine, dammit! Fine.
As Christian argues with Satine, suddenly, they find themselves in the spotlight, on the stage, causing Zidler to improvise by announcing that Christian is the sitar player.
Christian: (to the audience; onstage) This woman is yours now. [drops money in front of Satine] I've paid my whore! (to Satine) And you are nothing to me.
NC: [smiling] Admit it, Chick. There's something you really hate about this scene, isn't there? It isn't just silly and stupid like the other scenes. There's something you REALLY DESPISE!
Floss: No, there isn't.
NC: What is it about this movie that drives you absolutely INSAAAAANE?
Nostalgia Chick, at first nervous to admit she hates something in the movie, finally snaps and confesses.
Chick: CHRISTIAN IS A COMPLETE TWAT!
NC and Floss: [stunned] Christian's a twat?
Chick: (VO) Truly in love? That's such bullshit! (mocking) Oh, all you need is love lovelovelovelove...Who treated anyone that they truly loved this way? Why would you slut-shame her in front of an entire audience of people? Who calls that love? That's not love, that's bitterness!
NC: (VO) Well, because she lied to him, and he thought she was playing him the whole time.
Floss: (VO) Yeah, I thought you'd be more pissed at her than him.
Chick: (VO) Oh, sure, her actions are abjectly stupid and she's the victim of bad, stupid writing. But him? He's just despicable! He's evil! For as many times as he sings about LOOOOVE, he treats her in the most insulting, dirty, mean-spirited way that you can treat a human being. And the dwarf's over here. like, "Oh, she wouldn't do that!", and yet him, the one that's in love with her, can't figure this out? "Oh, yeah, love! I forgot about that! That's right! I'M SORR...you know what, I'm not even sorry, but we're still in love. SO LET'S SING ABOUT IT! In front of everyone and everything's okay! Oh, wait, you're dead. Awww." How would you feel if your loved one had some stupid misunderstanding that sprung from bad writing and then threw out all of their negative, horrible bile in one fell swoop...IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?!
We cut to a skit showing NC singing opera on a stage, until he is suddenly shot in the chest.
Offscreen Female: Oh, sorry. You know what? Maybe I overreacted. My bad. You wanna sing?
NC: (VO) So just as Christian gets done calling her every word for "whore" in the English language, the dwarf suddenly drops down and--what a shock--quotes more songs.
Toulouse: THE GREATEST THING YOU'LL EVER LEARN IS JUST TO LOVE AND BE LOVED...!
Hearing those words spurs Satine to sing the song Christian wrote to express their love. Christian returns to the stage, joining her in the song and reaffirming his love for her.
Satine: (singing) Listen to my heart/Can you hear it sing?
Christian: (singing) Come what may...
NC: (VO) So the whore he said he would never be manipulated by is now letting himself be manipulated by, it just so happens that she's telling the truth?
Chick: (VO) Singing fixes everything! Fuck this movie!
Seeing this event causes Toulouse and the stage people to announce that despite the Duke's demands and threats, their show is ending with their original ending, and everyone onstage, led by Satine and Christian, begin performing the show's finale. The Duke's henchman points a gun at Christian, about to kill him, but he gets hit in the head by Nini on top of the stage.
Floss: (VO) But, luckily, the henchman gets knocked out and the gun is flung into the audience.
Christian and Satine: (singing) I will love you/till my dy...
The Duke picks up the gun and runs toward the stage, desperate to kill the two.
Duke: My way! My way!
A scene from Finding Nemo is shown.
Duke: MY WAAAAAAAY!!!
Zidler punches him out as he comes near the stage, knocking the gun out of the building.
NC: (VO) And there goes the deed to the place! I hope you enjoyed the Moulin Rouge, folks, because come noon tomorrow, it's gonna be turned into a parking lot...for carriage horses.
The song ends as the curtain falls. The audience applauds wildly. The defeated Duke turns to walk out of the room.
NC: (VO) Or he just walks away quietly. Um...wasn't this the same guy who said...
Duke: I JUST DON'T LIKE OTHER PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!!!
NC: (VO) Yeah. I guess having a million people touch your things, take your money, and punch you in the face wouldn't get me too cheesed off either.
Chick: (VO) Well, he's certainly taking it better than...
Christian: I've paid my whore!
Floss: Let it go! Hey. Let it go.
After the curtain closes, Satine begins to finally succumb to tuberculosis. Before she dies, Christian and Satine affirm their love and she tells him to write their story.
NC: (VO) But, just as they said earlier, Satine's consumption catches up with her and claims her life.
Satine dies in Christian's arms.
Christian: (crying) AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
NC: (VO) Yeah, I guess it is kinda funny. And thus, only Christian is fit enough to tell the tale by pinning all the pages on his wall, because...that's what poets do, and turn the story into a cohesive whole.
Chick: (VO) Never realizing that he himself is a...cohesive hole.
The movie ends with Christian finishing writing his story, as we see the conductor onstage conducting the music score again from the beginning of the film.
NC: There! After all that bullcrap, all that stupidity, are you seriously telling me that you two still like this movie?
Floss and Chick: Yep.
NC: Yep? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YEP"?! ALL YOU DID WAS TALK ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE IT WAS!
Floss: Well, it is horrible, Critic. It's godawful.
Chick: We still enjoy it. Part...some of it. Parts of...ASPECTS of it.
NC: But why? How?
Floss and Chick smile and stand up to sing another song.
In every heart, there lies a place
All across the human race.
Beneath a veil of fear and pride
Guilty pleasures lie inside.
Things that make our heart take wing
Sometimes, they're embarrassing.
Against their sway, we have no powers
Floss and Chick: (singing)
And Moulin Rouge is one of ours.
Everybody has a few!
You and me and even you!
Contradict your sense of taste!
They can only be embraced!
The fireman who loves ballet.
The model who loves anime.
Floss and Chick: (singing)
We all have a stupid song
That always makes us sing along!
So reconcile inside your mind
Our love for Moulin Rouge is blind.
Yes, it's dumb
Yes, it's gay
But we love it anyway!
Everybody has a few!
You and me and even you!
Surely, even you have some!
Love them even though they're dumb!
Floss and Chick: Oh, Jesus, no!
Even Jason Goes to Hell
Cinema Snob: What the hell?!
Clips from Moulin Rouge are shown once more as NC, Floss and Chick sing.
NC, Floss, and Chick: (singing)
They're the best at any time!
You have yours and I have mine!
Moulin Rouge is full of shit
But we won't stop loving it!
NC: Well, thanks, guys! You've shown me that guilty pleasures really are something to enjoy. Though...this is a Moulin Rouge review. We can't end on a happy note.
Chick: Right. We need a sad ending for no reason other than we need a sad ending.
After a beat, NC takes out his gun and shoots Floss.
Floss: HOHO! (puts his mustache back on and collapses)
NC: (kneeling over Floss and sobbing) Brental...Brentalfloss, no! Ah! Brentalfloss, no!
His sobs are replaced by Christian's from the movie as the scene fades back to NC on his bed on his computer.
NC: (thinking, lethargic and depressed) Another movie. Another mindless flick that sucks dicks from Netflix. It makes me sick.
On and on
I'm sick of moping, doping, and complaining
Well...not complaining, but
I think I'm done.
On and on
So I killed Floss just for a sad ending.
(We see a shot of Floss looking angry in heaven)
For a film I'm resenting
The review must go on!
The review must go on!
The joke's gone on too long!
No more pretentious songs
About love or destiny!
The review must go on!
The review must go on!
I don't know why I'm still here.
I'm simply killing time here.
Maybe I'll get a sandwich from Subway.
The review must go on!
The review must go on!
Or ham and cheese
Perhaps for dessert, Dairy Queen.
I'm done with these songs. They're all wrong.
Not even gonna rhyme this last line.
Although you sort of did.
Yes, that's true.
And we're rhyming this one, too.
That is also true.
Think I'll watch Scooby-Doo.
Oh, Jesus, shut up, you!
I've got some bitching to do.
So what else is new?
NC: Okay, we're getting to a close now!
NC, Chick, Nella, and Elisa: (singing)
The review must go ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
As NC holds in his last note, a gunshot is heard as NC is suddenly shot. It turns out Floss shot him from heaven.
Floss: Ungrateful jackass!
NC weakly moves his arm to the computer next to him and types "The End".
He hated it.
For causing so much misery.
The camera pulls out to Chester conducting the last music in front of the screen. The screen fades to black as the music stops.
Chester: I didn't even get a line!
Ending tagline: Duke: I JUST DON'T LIKE OTHER PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!!!