(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing the ending scenes from Monsters, Inc.)
Doug (vo): You know, it's funny. When I saw Monsters, Inc., the first thing I thought to myself was, "Yeah, that was okay. But I wonder what they could do with the sequel." I assume if you're watching this, you know how the first film ends, so with that ending, you do kind of see a little bit of possibility. What if Boo did grow up? What if Sullivan kept watching her? What if she became an adult who could actually communicate with monsters, or maybe when she got to an age, she didn't believe in monsters anymore? Maybe monsters would disappear, maybe it's something about losing childhood. Oh, my God! This practically writes itself!
[Clips from Monsters University are shown]
Doug (vo; sighs): But instead, Pixar said, "Fuck it! Let's just do 80s college movies!" Yeah, because...those two go so hand-in-hand.
Doug (vo): Rather than being a sequel, we have a prequel, showing how Mike and Sullivan met up for the first time and, of course, didn't get along. Each one thinks they're gonna be the greatest student at Monster University, so naturally, all sorts of competition and comedic antics take place. But this menacing Dean decides she doesn't like them. Yeah...I don't entirely know why. She just kind of decides she doesn't like them. Maybe because...that's what they do in 80s college movies, I don't know.
Doug (vo): And speaking of which, if you've seen any 80s college movies, I mean, any frigging 80s college movies, you've seen Monsters U. It's not a satire of 80s college films, that would be funny. It's not doing anything different with 80s college films, again, that would be funny. All it's doing is taking the exact same characters you've seen a million times and replacing them with monsters.
[Various characters are shown as described]
Doug (vo): The bully jock, the nerdy worm, the stick-in-the-mud dean, the quirky dorks, the need to make their frat house the greatest frat house that there is, and, of course, all these people who don't get along trying to find a way to get along in the end. I remember when I saw the trailer for this, I thought it looked really stupid, but I also remember thinking to myself, "It's Pixar. Pixar, the originators of these incredible stories. Finding Nemo, Up, The Incredibles, the frigging Toy Story films! Surely, they wouldn't do something as phoned-in as this." But then I remembered Cars 2, and got really depressed. Outside of a few designs of some of the monsters, it's amazing the lack of originality this film has. Everything exists just to follow the 80s college movies' tropes. I remember before seeing Muppets Most Wanted, they had a short based on Monsters U, and you know what? It was a million times more interesting. They took advantage of their environment and did something new with it. The only problem is, that was just a few minutes long. This is an hour-and-a-frigging-half! It's easily one of the most boring Pixar films I've ever sat through. You can predict every joke, you can predict every moment that's gonna happen. It's just, it's... (Sighs) why was this deserving of so much time and effort to go into it?
[Several of the film's final scenes are shown]
Doug (vo): The only new thing that pops up in this film is the ending, and without giving away too much, it is probably the only really good thing in it. It's kind of the idea that you don't need to follow the traditional path that everybody else does, but it's done in a way that's actually kind of clever and probably hits close to home for a lot of people. In fact, if I had to guess, I would assume this whole film was made just so it could get this message across. It's a message you don't see much in movies, and especially in animated family films. Well, then, I guess we have the Pixar equivalent of Meet the Robinsons, something that has a really good message but not the best means of displaying it. But, hell, even Meet the Robinsons was so strange and bizarre, you could kind of admire it for how odd it is. This is more like a textbook about how they made Animal House. Hell, even watching a movie about the making of Animal House would be more interesting than watching this!
Doug (vo): I've had a lot of fans upset with me that I didn't like this film, but I'm sorry. I just think it's awful. I tried to go in with a clear mind, I tried to open up to the idea that this could somehow work, but it just sucks out all the funny, all the originality, all the interesting characters, all the neat story ideas for such a stale experience. I guess there's nothing bad in it in terms of stuff that'd be, like, offensive or unwatchable for your kids, but for anyone who's an adult and has seen 80s college movies to death and wants to move on to something else, this is a definite film to scare you away.
[A scene showing Mike, Sulley and their friends celebrating their victory at the Scare Games is shown]