Monster Squad

266 Nostalgia Critic - Monster Squad.jpg

October, 21 2014
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(After the Nostalgia-Ween 2014 intro, we cut to the Nostalgia Critic coming in wearing an Uncanny X-Men shirt, an Autobots hat, and his usual tie)

NC: Token Troop, sound off! Black Kid! (played by Malcolm Ray, wearing an Empire Strikes Back shirt)

Malcolm: Smashing! (Black Kid: in charge of supplying catch phrases for t-shirts and promos)

NC: Cool Kid. (played by Jim Jarosz, wearing a leather jacket, shades, and a cigarette in his mouth)

Jim: Sup? (Cool Kid: in charge of looking rebellious and hip)

NC: Geeky Kid! (Rob Walker, and as Analyst 1)

Rob: Charts. (Geeky Kid: in charge of the science mumbo jumbo nobody understands)

NC: But hey, wait a minute. Where's Fat Kid?

Fat Kid: Here I am. (Jason Laws. Fat Kid: in charge of being fat)

NC: Hold it, hold it! Jason, I thought you were supposed to put on 50 more pounds?

Jason: (mouth full) I'm sorry. I'm eating as much chocolate covered pumpkin Twinkies as I can!

Jim: Dude, how are we supposed to have an adventurous 80s boy team without a fat kid?

Rob: Well, as a well-paid Hollywood analyst, I am technically of a sizable girth.

NC: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you wanna be known as the fatass?

Rob: Well according to the chart--

NC: No! Did you at least bring the adorable pet mascot?

(Jason remembers and ducks down, bringing up an Appa doll. Cute Pet: in charge of "aaaaawwww")

NC: Alright. Well gang, I think our first meeting of the Token Troop has just begun!

(The guys cheer and put their hands together, and Appa as well, before sitting on a couch)

NC: If there's anything the 80s have taught us, it's that boys rule!

Guys: Yeah!

Malcolm: Rockin'!

Rob: Molecular.

Jim: Whatever.

NC: From Stand By Me to (The) Goonies to Explorers and of course, the best new all-time holiday classic, Monster Squad!

Rob: That film.

(Clips of the movie are shown)

NC (vo): Imagine all the classic Halloween monsters in modern day...80s, and the only ones who can stop them are smoking, swearing, perverted little adolescents that clearly don't give a shit if they're considered a family film or not. There's no doubt about it, it kicks major nards, and in honor of this awesomeness, we put together our own 80s squad of boy tropes.

NC: Isn't that right guys?

Guys: Yeah!

NC: Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna start this review.

Jason: You? Why you?

NC: Because I'm the charming, awkward shy main character with a heart of gold that gets the most focus.

Malcolm: But we're like a million times more interesting than you.

NC: And that's why you'll sell more toys, but we still need to keep the focus on the Wonder Bread protagonist: me.

Rob: Statistically, this seems the most illogical.

NC: That's the 80s in a nutshell. This is Monster Squad!

(The rest of the guys give half-hearted cheers)

Rob: Ass.

NC (vo): We start off in a 70s horror exploitation film where Count Dracula...or Party City's interpretation of Count Dracula, is seen walking by some of the scariest effects you'll see outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. (A green arrow is shown pointing to two incredibly fake-looking bats flying in place) But the townspeople are pissed off at the vampires for all the possums they've been eating (a female vampire is shown with blood on her mouth and a dead possum in her hands) and they summon up a portal to suck them into Limbo. But unfortunately, the wrong people get sucked in.

(One of those people sucked in through Limbo is Van Helsing. Cut to a clip of Evil Dead 2 as Ash holds on for dear life)

Ash: I can stop it! (he gets sucked through the portal)

NC (vo): Cut to years later where something even scarier is going on: American education.

Sean: We kind of have this monster club, okay, and we draw those pictures to put on our clubhouse walls.

Principal: You draw pictures during Mrs. Carson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention.

NC (vo): Uh, this is back before schools have real problems. "Drawing in the classroom?! Oh no! Put Billy's gun and drug possession on hold! These two little children were drawing. DRAWING!!"

Principal: Science is real. Monsters are not.

Sean: We don't know that, sir.

NC (vo): This is Sean, a young boy who's obsessed with anything horror related as you can clearly tell by his t-shirt. "Stephen King Rules?" Don't patronize me, kid. I just spent most of last review listing Stephen King's rules.

Pencilhead: You learn to love them after the first twenty books.

NC (vo): He's joined by his friends, Patrick and Fat Kid.

Jason: Yes?

NC: No, I mean they literally have a character called "Fat Kid" in this. I'm not even kidding. Listen!

(Cut to scenes of the group calling his name as Fat Kid)

NC (vo): It's like they're not even trying to hide what characterized pawns they are. They just straight out address them as their physical trope.

Jason: That's sad.

NC: Yeah, well, get back to munching. (NC throws some fun-sized candy at Jason)

Malcolm: Flabulous.

NC (vo): But he's not the only one who's typecasted. Look, it's the bully from the Wonder Years, playing the exact same bully except wearing a hair blimp for some reason. (An arrow pointing to his hair saying "Hair Blimp?")

EJ: (speaking into an invisible microphone) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. Tonight's question: what makes Fat Kid fat? Fat Kid? (he holds the mike out to him)

FK: Get out of here, EJ.

EJ: "Get out of here, EJ." Nope, not a good answer. That doesn't make any sense. Let's go to our man on the street, Derek.

Derek: Hi, I'm at the street where Fat Kid is blocking traffic--

NC (vo): Wow, are they looking to take this act on the road? As bullies go, they've worked a long time on this routine.

(Fat Kid ends up on the ground getting slapped around by EJ until a bike pulls over ridden by Rudy, who lights a match on his shoe, then uses it to light a cigarette)

NC (vo): Aw shit, it's Lindsay Lohan.

Rudy: Beating up my friend Horace?

EJ: Rudy, I--

Rudy: Shh-shh!

Jim: I'm gonna nurture this moment of pain for you. Shh.

Rudy: You dropped your candy bar, EJ.

EJ: It's his.

Rudy: It's yours, now. Eat.

(EJ is made to eat the Snickers bar he stomped onto the ground, the kids all grossed out)

NC (vo): Yeah, well, wait until you see what he's like when the cameras aren't rolling.

(Clip from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)

Kevin Morton: I am always ready! I have been ready since first call!

NC (vo): This is Rudy, a bad-ass kid who for some reason really wants to join Sean's monster club that he put together.

Derek: He's in Junior High. We should let him in on one condition. (with Sean and FK) Monster Test! (to Rudy) Is Frankenstein the name of the monster or the guy who made him?

Rudy: The guy.

Sean: Right.

Rudy: Wait! Am I in or what?

NC (vo): Yyyeah, it's a little questioning why Rudy would want to hang with them, seeing how he's older and clearly has other things on his mind!

(Rudy's shown peeking in on Patrick's sister changing through binoculars)

Rudy: I'm beginning to like this club.

Sean: Rudy! Come on, it's a monster test. It's important, okay?

NC (vo): (as Rudy) Look, I may have killed a homeless person and need a really good alibi. Your club is a good cover, okay?

(Sean's little sister, Phoebe, comes in through the trap door)

Sean: Can't you read?

Phoebe: Mom said you have to let me in the club or else it's prescription!

Sean: That's discrimination, jerkoid. (He begins closing the door on her)

Phoebe: Come on, Sean! How about once? (and the door's closed)

NC: Yeah, that'll teach those lousy girls for not indulging our prejudice! (Someone knocks on the door) Now who can that be?

(They get up and open the door, revealing Tamara Chambers)

Tamara: Dudes! Can't I be a part of your collective mid-life crises?

NC: I'm sorry, Tamara, but as you can read, (pointing to the sign on the door) "No girls." The backwards s is for emphasis.

Jason: Yeah, you'll just priss up our boys club with flowers or something.

Jim: Yeah, fuck flowers!

(The guys all cheer)

Tamara: You guys aren't even boys. Most of you are in your fucking 30s.

Rob: Don't worry, we'll only ignore you till the third act when we suddenly realize the error of our ways.

Tamara: Well that's like two thirds of the review.

NC: That'll teach you for maturing faster than us. (the guys laugh at her as NC slowly closes the door) You have a vagina! (the door closes and Tamara sighs. NC opens it quickly) But seriously if you could come and save us in the last third, you worthless sack of nothingness, that'd be great.

Rob: Girls suck.

(Tamara is stunned silent)

NC (vo): Dracula literally ships himself via airmail to the boys' neighborhood, but through a pretty awesome reveal scene, the cargo is dropped and he sets out to locate the rest of his team.

(Lightning flashes over Dracula, one shot turning his head from normal to an evil skull for a split second)

NC (vo): (as Dracula) Whoa-ho, sorry. Just a little twitch I got there.

NC: We all get nervous twitches like that sometimes.

(A flash of lightning fills the room, making the guys' heads turn into Tim Curry characters. Malcolm is Pennywise, I don't know who Rob is, NC is the hotel concierge from Home Alone 2, Jason is Dr. Frank N. Furter, and Jim is Cardinal Richlieu from the Three Musketeers. NC looks around confused what just happened)

Sean: Some of the guys and me were maybe gonna go see Groundhog Day Part 12 tonight. Only if it's okay with you. Is it, please?

Det. Del Crenshaw: Sean, it is a guy with an axe.

NC (vo): Groundhog Day 12, about a killer with an axe? Boy, I know Bill Murray's been really loose with some of his roles, but this...(a picture of Bill Murry's head photoshopped onto an axe killer is shown) is actually kind of awesome. Nevermind.

Det. Rich Sapir: You telling me there's this 2,000-year old here, right?

NC (vo): His father is a cop who gets called to a crime scene where apparently an ancient mummy has been stolen. But don't worry, his comedic sidekick is there to Chris Tucker it up.

Rich: You wanna ask me about the hood ornament?

Del: What about the hood ornament?

Rich: I thought you'd never ask./ I'm a very good policeman, you know that?/Let's be firemen instead./Haha!/Hello?/Hoo!/Aaah!/Hahahahahahahaha!

NC (vo): He's like a primordial Gus from Psych. (a picture of Gus appears on the right) You wanna hate what a stereotype he is, but...he's just so good at being that stereotype.

Del: The problem is 2,000-year old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves.

(Cut to the Mummy proving him wrong by walking down the street)

NC (vo): (as Mummy) Nevermind me. I'm just a 2,000-year old dead guy fulfilling a punchline. (normal) We also get a glimpse of our werewolf...(the werewolf appears in the back of the ambulance he's riding in) who looks more like a werebadger. A shitfaced werebadger, as him and the other monsters meet up to bring the Frankenstein monster back to life. How? The same way you'd jumpstart a car apparently.

(Dracula puts jumper cables onto the monster's neck bolts, then holds out a lightning rod to charge him up)

NC (vo): (as Dracula) Give him more gas. Oh no, you're flooding him! Oh great, where am I gonna find a resurrection shop this time of night?

Monster: Aaah. Master.

(Thunder and lightning flash all around as Dracula and Frankenstein's monster reach out their hands to each other)

NC (vo): Wonderful. Now that they've awkwardly held their hands out without grabbing them, they can finally start the recreation of the Halloween That Almost Wasn't. All hail Judd Hirsch! But Sean gets a feeling that something is up. For you see, his mother got him a book from a garage sale that's, get this, Van Helsing's Vampire Diary, and somebody named Mr. Alucard (an arrow pointing at the name is shown) is looking for it.

(And a clip from Fargo)

NC (vo): I don't know what's funnier. The fact that Dracula, the king of all vampires, uses such an obvious anagram to trick people, or the fact that it actually takes the kid two tries to figure out that it was Dracula backwards! I would say he needs to pay more attention in school, but they said he does nothing but draw pictures of monsters. You'd think this would be kind of second nature to him!

Sean: You're being such a dork!

NC (vo): But he's not the only one getting ghostly visions. One of the other members of the club gets a creepy visit.

Eugene: There was a monster in my closet.

Eugene's dad: Okay monsters. (he opens the closet door and the Mummy is there!) Ooh!

NC (vo): (as Mummy) Can you help me? Outside of this obvious joke, I have no reason to be in this scene--hey! (the door's closed on him)

Eugene's dad: Listen. Keep this up and you're not gonna look at those monster magazines.

NC (vo): (as Eugene's dad) Why don't you watch less violent? Like Robotech. (normal) Sean declares his group the Monster Squad as he's convinced that there are in fact monsters roaming the neighborhood.

Sean: I think there's monsters. Like real ones. A mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.

Eugene: Mummy came in my house.

(NC is confused by Eugene)

NC: We don't want to hear how your mommy came in your house, weird Confederate hat wearing kid.

(That statement gets Malcolm's attention)

Malcolm: Wait a minute. What?

NC. Yeah! (a clip of Eugene wearing a Confederate hat is shown) He wears a Confederate through like most of this movie!

Malcolm: Was this a thing in the 80s?

(The rest of the guys are all saying no about it. Jason reaches for a picture of himself dressed as a Confederate soldier and puts it in his Twinkie box)

NC (vo): While the kids try to see if they can have the Van Helsing diary translated by some Scary German Guy--(a clip from the credits is shown) and I'm not even kidding, (the picture zooms in on his credit being listed as Scary German Guy) that's also his name in the movie...

(Clips of the kid saying "Scary German Guy")

NC (vo): This movie is so bizarrely blunt. One of the monsters makes himself present at the pond next to Sean's little sister.

(A shadow comes over Phoebe, and it's revealed to be the Frankenstein monster, henceforth referred to as Frankenstein)

NC (vo): Oh boy, I hope you have your flood insurance paid up, kid. This usually doesn't end well.

(Cut to the Scary German Guy holding a knife)

German: Boys, time is almost up. (He takes the knife into a pie, cutting a slice) It's your last chance for pie.

NC (vo): (as German) Shall I cryptically serve you other desserts?

German: Good and evil are in constant flux.

NC (vo): So he translates the book saying that an amulet of good is keeping balance in the world.

German: It is a talisman which wards off evil and is, how you say, uh...indestructible?

FK: That means it can't be destroyed.

NC (vo): (as FK) I speak German.

German: He wants to battle those forces himself.

NC (vo): But he also says it's made vulnerable every hundred years, and if it's destroyed, evil will rule the world. Well, seeing how it's almost a hundred years o'clock, they figure that's what the monsters are after.

FK: You sure know a lot about monsters.

German: Now that you mention it, I suppose I do.

(He closes the door, revealing a concentration camp identification tattoo on his arm)

NC (vo): Holy shit, movie! You wanna grow these viewers up as quickly as possible!

German: I suppose I do.

NC: (vo): Umm...I'm just gonna slip my innocent mind into denial mode and say that's somebody's phone number he's trying to remember.

Rob: I don't think that's enough numbers--

NC: It's somebody's phone number!

Horace: Okay so say we get the amulet, then what?

Sean: We get a virgin

Horace: Then what?

Sean: Well our virgin takes the amulet, reads the magic spell from the book, and blamo we blow them all to Limbo.

(Cut to a diner where the boys find Rudy)

Sean: Rudy question?

Rudy: Sure

Sean: Know any virgins?

(Rudy spits his Pepsi out in surprise as the scene transitions to a rock being thrown into a pond)

NC (vo): Jesus Christ, I can't believe how many non-kid things are in this obvious kids movies. Hell, this was almost looking like a Pepsi commercial before that line came up. Unless, maybe that's what Pepsi wants to be associated with.

Sean: Know any virgins?

(As Rudy spits his drink out, the screen freezes as the Pepsi Logo appears in the bottom left corner.)

NC (vo as announcer): Pepsi: Know any virgins?

NC (vo): But in the middle of their virgin search, Sean's little sister comes across something truly interesting.

(Scene pans up to show the monsters. The boys run away in fear as Phoebe slowly approaches the monster and grabs its hand).

Phoebe: It's okay you guys, he's friends with us. Come on don't be chicken shit!

NC (vo): Damn, even the little sister has a mouth on her. What the Hell are they teaching on Sesame Street nowadays?

(Shows the logo for Sesame Street with Elmo, Cookie Monster, and ?)

NC (vo as Elmo): Today's episode is brought to you by "Fuck Your Chicken Shit Eating Mother" cock bastard!)

(The monster finds a mask based on it's likeness)

NC (vo): Yeah, I guess the Universal Monster film were min doc disturbingly accurate; kind of a strange coincidence. Does that mean somewhere there is a Phantom of the Opera that can actually sing?

Monster: (puts on the mask) S-scary?

(Cut to a scene of the kids, their dog, and the monster walking towards the sunset together.)

NC (vo): Well *sighs* some corporation slapped their logo on that. That is by far the most perfect ending to a commercial if ever I've seen one.

NC (vo): Happy Halloween to you and your family. Brought to you by Pepsi: Know any virgins?

Sean: Hey guys get over here he's great!

(The monster pushes Sean)

Phoebe: Now can I be in the monster club?

Jim: So she did help them out?

NC: Yeah...I'm starting to feel a little bad about the way we treated Tamara earlier.

Patrick's sister: You guys are sick!

NC (vo): Oh my god, he's been taking pictures of her changing. Doesn't that technically mean she should be blackmailing him? I mean, that's kind is serious shit. You can be put away for stuff like that. Unless you plan to put it online in which case suddenly nobody can find you.

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