Rob: Charts. (Geeky Kid: in charge of the science mumbo jumbo nobody understands)
NC: But hey, wait a minute. Where's Fat Kid?
Fat Kid: Here I am. (Jason Laws. Fat Kid: in charge of being fat)
NC: Hold it, hold it! Jason, I thought you were supposed to put on 50 more pounds?
Jason: (mouth full) I'm sorry. I'm eating as much chocolate covered pumpkin Twinkies as I can!
Jim: Dude, how are we supposed to have an adventurous 80s boy team without a fat kid?
Rob: Well, as a well-paid Hollywood analyst, I am technically of a sizable girth.
NC: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you wanna be known as the fatass?
Rob: Well according to the chart--
NC: No! Did you at least bring the adorable pet mascot?
(Jason remembers and ducks down, bringing up an Appa doll. Cute Pet: in charge of "aaaaawwww")
NC: Alright. Well gang, I think our first meeting of the Token Troop has just begun!
(The guys cheer and put their hands together, and Appa as well, before sitting on a couch)
NC: If there's anything the 80s have taught us, it's that boys rule!
NC: From Stand By Me to (The) Goonies to Explorers and of course, the best new all-time holiday classic, Monster Squad!
Rob: That film.
(Clips of the movie are shown)
NC (vo): Imagine all the classic Halloween monsters in modern day...80s, and the only ones who can stop them are smoking, swearing, perverted little adolescents that clearly don't give a shit if they're considered a family film or not. There's no doubt about it, it kicks major nards, and in honor of this awesomeness, we put together our own 80s squad of boy tropes.
NC: Isn't that right guys?
NC: Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna start this review.
Jason: You? Why you?
NC: Because I'm the charming, awkward shy main character with a heart of gold that gets the most focus.
Malcolm: But we're like a million times more interesting than you.
NC: And that's why you'll sell more toys, but we still need to keep the focus on the Wonder Bread protagonist: me.
Rob: Statistically, this seems the most illogical.
NC: That's the 80s in a nutshell. This is Monster Squad!
(The rest of the guys give half-hearted cheers)
NC (vo): We start off in a 70s horror exploitation film where Count Dracula...or Party City's interpretation of Count Dracula, is seen walking by some of the scariest effects you'll see outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. (A green arrow is shown pointing to two incredibly fake-looking bats flying in place) But the townspeople are pissed off at the vampires for all the possums they've been eating (a female vampire is shown with blood on her mouth and a dead possum in her hands) and they summon up a portal to suck them into Limbo. But unfortunately, the wrong people get sucked in.
(One of those people sucked in through Limbo is Van Helsing. Cut to a clip of Evil Dead 2 as Ash holds on for dear life)
Ash: I can stop it! (he gets sucked through the portal)
NC (vo): Cut to years later where something even scarier is going on: American education.
Sean: We kind of have this monster club, okay, and we draw those pictures to put on our clubhouse walls.
Principal: You draw pictures during Mrs. Carson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention.
NC (vo): Uh, this is back before schools have real problems. "Drawing in the classroom?! Oh no! Put Billy's gun and drug possession on hold! These two little children were drawing. DRAWING!!"
Principal: Science is real. Monsters are not.
Sean: We don't know that, sir.
NC (vo): This is Sean, a young boy who's obsessed with anything horror related as you can clearly tell by his t-shirt. "Stephen King Rules?" Don't patronize me, kid. I just spent most of last review listing Stephen King's rules.
Pencilhead: You learn to love them after the first twenty books.
NC (vo): He's joined by his friends, Patrick and Fat Kid.
NC: No, I mean they literally have a character called "Fat Kid" in this. I'm not even kidding. Listen!
(Cut to scenes of the group calling his name as Fat Kid)
NC (vo): It's like they're not even trying to hide what characterized pawns they are. They just straight out address them as their physical trope.
Jason: That's sad.
NC: Yeah, well, get back to munching. (NC throws some fun-sized candy at Jason)
NC (vo): But he's not the only one who's typecasted. Look, it's the bully from the Wonder Years, playing the exact same bully except wearing a hair blimp for some reason. (An arrow pointing to his hair saying "Hair Blimp?")
EJ: (speaking into an invisible microphone) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. Tonight's question: what makes Fat Kid fat? Fat Kid? (he holds the mike out to him)
FK: Get out of here, EJ.
EJ: "Get out of here, EJ." Nope, not a good answer. That doesn't make any sense. Let's go to our man on the street, Derek.
Derek: Hi, I'm at the street where Fat Kid is blocking traffic--
NC (vo): Wow, are they looking to take this act on the road? As bullies go, they've worked a long time on this routine.
(Fat Kid ends up on the ground getting slapped around by EJ until a bike pulls over ridden by Rudy, who lights a match on his shoe, then uses it to light a cigarette)
NC (vo): Aw shit, it's Lindsay Lohan.
Rudy: Beating up my friend Horace?
EJ: Rudy, I--
Jim: I'm gonna nurture this moment of pain for you. Shh.
Rudy: You dropped your candy bar, EJ.
EJ: It's his.
Rudy: It's yours, now. Eat.
(EJ is made to eat the Snickers bar he stomped onto the ground, the kids all grossed out)
NC (vo): Yeah, well, wait until you see what he's like when the cameras aren't rolling.
(Clip from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)
Kevin Morton: I am always ready! I have been ready since first call!
NC (vo): This is Rudy, a bad-ass kid who for some reason really wants to join Sean's monster club that he put together.
Derek: He's in Junior High. We should let him in on one condition. (with Sean and FK) Monster Test! (to Rudy) Is Frankenstein the name of the monster or the guy who made him?
Rudy: The guy.
Rudy: Wait! Am I in or what?
NC (vo): Yyyeah, it's a little questioning why Rudy would want to hang with them, seeing how he's older and clearly has other things on his mind!
(Rudy's shown peeking in on Patrick's sister changing through binoculars)
Rudy: I'm beginning to like this club.
Sean: Rudy! Come on, it's a monster test. It's important, okay?
NC (vo): (as Rudy) Look, I may have killed a homeless person and need a really good alibi. Your club is a good cover, okay?
(Sean's little sister, Phoebe, comes in through the trap door)
Sean: Can't you read?
Phoebe: Mom said you have to let me in the club or else it's prescription!
Sean: That's discrimination, jerkoid. (He begins closing the door on her)
Phoebe: Come on, Sean! How about once? (and the door's closed)
NC: Yeah, that'll teach those lousy girls for not indulging our prejudice! (Someone knocks on the door) Now who can that be?
(They get up and open the door, revealing Tamara Chambers)
Tamara: Dudes! Can't I be a part of your collective mid-life crises?
NC: I'm sorry, Tamara, but as you can read, (pointing to the sign on the door) "No girls." The backwards s is for emphasis.
Jason: Yeah, you'll just priss up our boys club with flowers or something.
Jim: Yeah, fuck flowers!
(The guys all cheer)
Tamara: You guys aren't even boys. Most of you are in your fucking 30s.
Rob: Don't worry, we'll only ignore you till the third act when we suddenly realize the error of our ways.
Tamara: Well that's like two thirds of the review.
NC: That'll teach you for maturing faster than us. (the guys laugh at her as NC slowly closes the door) You have a vagina! (the door closes and Tamara sighs. NC opens it quickly) But seriously if you could come and save us in the last third, you worthless sack of nothingness, that'd be great.
Rob: Girls suck.
(Tamara is stunned silent)
NC (vo): Dracula literally ships himself via airmail to the boys' neighborhood, but through a pretty awesome reveal scene, the cargo is dropped and he sets out to locate the rest of his team.
(Lightning flashes over Dracula, one shot turning his head from normal to an evil skull for a split second)
NC (vo): (as Dracula) Whoa-ho, sorry. Just a little twitch I got there.
NC: We all get nervous twitches like that sometimes.
(A flash of lightning fills the room, making the guys' heads turn into Tim Curry characters. Malcolm is Pennywise, I don't know who Rob is, NC is the hotel concierge from Home Alone 2, Jason is Dr. Frank N. Furter, and Jim is Cardinal Richlieu from the Three Musketeers. NC looks around confused what just happened)
Sean: Some of the guys and me were maybe gonna go see Groundhog Day Part 12 tonight. Only if it's okay with you. Is it, please?
Det. Del Crenshaw: Sean, it is a guy with an axe.
NC (vo): Groundhog Day 12, about a killer with an axe? Boy, I know Bill Murray's been really loose with some of his roles, but this...(a picture of Bill Murry's head photoshopped onto an axe killer is shown) is actually kind of awesome. Nevermind.