Monster Squad

266 Nostalgia Critic - Monster Squad

October, 21 2014
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(After the Nostalgia-Ween 2014 intro, we cut to the Nostalgia Critic coming in wearing an Uncanny X-Men shirt, an Autobots hat, and his usual tie)

NC: Token Troop, sound off! Black Kid! (played by Malcolm Ray, wearing an Empire Strikes Back shirt)

Malcolm: Smashing! (Black Kid: in charge of supplying catch phrases for t-shirts and promos)

NC: Cool Kid. (played by Jim Jarosz, wearing a leather jacket, shades, and a cigarette in his mouth)

Jim: Sup? (Cool Kid: in charge of looking rebellious and hip)

NC: Geeky Kid! (Rob Walker, and as Analyst 1)

Rob: Charts. (Geeky Kid: in charge of the science mumbo jumbo nobody understands)

NC: But hey, wait a minute. Where's Fat Kid?

Fat Kid: Here I am. (Jason Laws. Fat Kid: in charge of being fat)

NC: Hold it, hold it! Jason, I thought you were supposed to put on 50 more pounds?

Jason: (mouth full) I'm sorry. I'm eating as much chocolate covered pumpkin Twinkies as I can!

Jim: Dude, how are we supposed to have an adventurous 80s boy team without a fat kid?

Rob: Well, as a well-paid Hollywood analyst, I am technically of a sizable girth.

NC: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you wanna be known as the fatass?

Rob: Well according to the chart--

NC: No! Did you at least bring the adorable pet mascot?

(Jason remembers and ducks down, bringing up an Appa doll. Cute Pet: in charge of "aaaaawwww")

NC: Alright. Well gang, I think our first meeting of the Token Troop has just begun!

(The guys cheer and put their hands together, and Appa as well, before sitting on a couch)

NC: If there's anything the 80s have taught us, it's that boys rule!

Guys: Yeah!

Malcolm: Rockin'!

Rob: Molecular.

Jim: Whatever.

NC: From Stand By Me to (The) Goonies to Explorers and of course, the best new all-time holiday classic, Monster Squad!

Rob: That film.

(Clips of the movie are shown)

NC (vo): Imagine all the classic Halloween monsters in modern day...80s, and the only ones who can stop them are smoking, swearing, perverted little adolescents that clearly don't give a shit if they're considered a family film or not. There's no doubt about it, it kicks major nards, and in honor of this awesomeness, we put together our own 80s squad of boy tropes.

NC: Isn't that right guys?

Guys: Yeah!

NC: Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna start this review.

Jason: You? Why you?

NC: Because I'm the charming, awkward shy main character with a heart of gold that gets the most focus.

Malcolm: But we're like a million times more interesting than you.

NC: And that's why you'll sell more toys, but we still need to keep the focus on the Wonder Bread protagonist: me.

Rob: Statistically, this seems the most illogical.

NC: That's the 80s in a nutshell. This is Monster Squad!

(The rest of the guys give half-hearted cheers)

Rob: Ass.

NC (vo): We start off in a 70s horror exploitation film where Count Dracula...or Party City's interpretation of Count Dracula, is seen walking by some of the scariest effects you'll see outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. (A green arrow is shown pointing to two bats flying in place) But the townspeople are pissed off at the vampires for all the possums they've been eating (a female vampire is shown with blood on her mouth and a dead possum in her hands) and they summon up a portal to suck them into Limbo. But unfortunately, the wrong people get sucked in.

(One of those people sucked in through Limbo is Van Helsing. Cut to a clip of Evil Dead 2 as Ash holds on for dear life)

Ash: I can stop it! (he gets sucked through the portal)

NC (vo): Cut to years later where something even scarier is going on: American education.

Sean: We kind of have this monster club, okay, and we draw those pictures to put on our clubhouse walls.

Principal: You draw pictures during Mrs. Carson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention.

NC (vo): Uh, this is back before schools have real problems. "Drawing in the classroom?! Oh no! Put Billy's gun and drug possession on hold! These two little children were drawing. DRAWING!!"

Principal: Science is real. Monsters are not.

Sean: We don't know that, sir.

NC (vo): This is Sean, a young boy who's obsessed with anything horror related as you can clearly tell by his t-shirt. "Stephen King Rules?" Don't patronize me, kid. I just spent most of last review listing Stephen King's rules.

Pencilhead: You learn to love them after the first twenty books.

NC (vo): He's joined by his friends, Patrick and Fat Kid.

Jason: Yes?

NC: No, I mean they literally have a character called "Fat Kid" in this. I'm not even kidding. Listen!

(Cut to scenes of the group calling his name as Fat Kid)

NC (vo): It's like they're not even trying to hide what characterized pawns they are. They just straight out address them as their physical trope.

Jason: That's sad.

NC: Yeah, well, get back to munching. (NC throws some fun-sized candy at Jason)

Malcolm: Flabulous.

NC (vo): But he's not the only one who's typecasted. Look, it's the bully from the Wonder Years, playing the exact same bully except wearing a hair blimp for some reason. (An arrow pointing to his hair saying "Hair Blimp?")

EJ: (speaking into an invisible microphone) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. Tonight's question: what makes Fat Kid fat? Fat Kid? (he holds the mike out to him)

FK: Get out of here, EJ.

EJ: "Get out of here, EJ." Nope, not a good answer. That doesn't make any sense. Let's go to our man on the street, Derek.

Derek: Hi, I'm at the street where Fat Kid is blocking traffic--

NC (vo): Wow, are they looking to take this act on the road? As bullies go, they've worked a long time on this routine.

(Fat Kid ends up on the ground getting slapped around by EJ until a bike pulls over ridden by Rudy, who lights a match on his shoe, then uses it to light a cigarette)

NC (vo): Aw shit, it's Lindsay Lohan.

Rudy: Beating up my friend Horace?

EJ: Rudy, I--

Rudy: Shh-shh!

Jim: I'm gonna nurture this moment of pain for you. Shh.

Rudy: You dropped your candy bar, EJ.

EJ: It's his.

Rudy: It's yours, now. Eat.

(EJ is made to eat the Snickers bar he stomped onto the ground, the kids all grossed out)

NC (vo): Yeah, well, wait until you see what he's like when the cameras aren't rolling.

(Clip from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)

Kevin Morton: I am always ready! I have been ready since first call!

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