October 21, 2014
(After the Nostalgia-Ween 2014 intro, we cut to the Nostalgia Critic coming in wearing an Uncanny X-Men shirt, an Autobots hat, and his usual tie)
NC: Token Troop, sound off! Black Kid! (played by Malcolm Ray, wearing a Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back shirt)
Malcolm: Smashing! (Black Kid: in charge of supplying catch phrases for t-shirts and promos)
NC: Cool Kid. (played by Jim Jarosz, wearing a leather jacket, shades, and a cigarette in his mouth)
Jim: Sup? (Cool Kid: in charge of looking rebellious and hip)
NC: Geeky Kid! (Rob Walker, and as Analyst 1)
Rob: Charts. (Geeky Kid: in charge of the science mumbo jumbo nobody understands)
NC: But hey, wait a minute. Where's Fat Kid?
Fat Kid: Here I am. (Jason Laws. Fat Kid: in charge of being fat)
NC: Hold it, hold it! Jason, I thought you were supposed to put on 50 more pounds?
Jason: (mouth full) I'm sorry. I'm eating as much chocolate covered pumpkin Twinkies as I can!
Jim: Dude, how are we supposed to have an adventurous 80s boy team without a fat kid?
Rob: Well, as a well-paid Hollywood analyst, I am technically of a sizable girth.
NC: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you wanna be known as the fatass?
Rob: Well, according to the chart--
NC: No! Did you at least bring the adorable pet mascot?
(Jason remembers and ducks down, bringing up an Appa doll. Cute Pet: in charge of "aaaaawwww")
NC: Alright. Well, gang, I think our first meeting of the Token Troop has just begun!
(The guys cheer and put their hands together, and Appa as well, before sitting on a couch)
NC: If there's anything the 80s have taught us, it's that boys rule!
NC: From Stand By Me to (The) Goonies to Explorers and, of course, the best new all-time holiday classic, Monster Squad!
Rob: That film.
(Clips of the movie are shown)
NC (vo): Imagine all the classic Halloween monsters in modern day...80s, and the only ones who can stop them are smoking, swearing, perverted little adolescents that clearly don't give a shit if they're considered a family film or not. There's no doubt about it, it kicks major nards, and in honor of this awesomeness, we put together our own 80s squad of boy tropes.
NC: Isn't that right, guys?
NC: Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna start this review.
Jason: You? Why you?
NC: Because I'm the charming, awkward shy main character with a heart of gold that gets the most focus.
Malcolm: But we're like a million times more interesting than you.
NC: And that's why you'll sell more toys, but we still need to keep the focus on the Wonder Bread protagonist: me.
Rob: Statistically, this seems the most illogical.
NC: That's the 80s in a nutshell. This is Monster Squad!
(The rest of the guys give half-hearted cheers)
NC (vo): We start off in a 70s horror exploitation film where Count Dracula...or Party City's interpretation of Count Dracula, is seen walking by some of the scariest effects you'll see outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. (A green arrow is shown pointing to two incredibly fake-looking bats flying in place) But the townspeople are pissed off at the vampires for all the possums they've been eating (a female vampire is shown with blood on her mouth and a dead possum in her hands) and they summon up a portal to suck them into Limbo. But unfortunately, the wrong people get sucked in.
(One of those people sucked in through Limbo is Van Helsing. Cut to a clip of Evil Dead 2 as Ash holds on for dear life)
Ash: How do you stop it?! (he gets sucked through the portal)
NC (vo): Cut to years later where something even scarier is going on: American education.
Sean: We kind of have this monster club, okay, and we draw those pictures to put on our clubhouse walls.
Principal: You draw pictures during Mrs. Carson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention.
NC (vo): Uh, this is back before schools have real problems. "Drawing in the classroom?! Oh, no! Put Billy's gun and drug possession on hold! These two little children were drawing. DRAWING!!"
Principal: Science is real. Monsters are not.
Sean: We don't know that, sir.
NC (vo): This is Sean, a young boy who's obsessed with anything horror related as you can clearly tell by his t-shirt. "Stephen King Rules?" Don't patronize me, kid. I just spent most of last review listing Stephen King's rules.
Pencilhead: You learn to love them after the first twenty books.
NC (vo): He's joined by his friends, Patrick and Fat Kid.
NC: No, I mean they literally have a character called "Fat Kid" in this. I'm not even kidding. Listen!
(Cut to scenes of the group calling his name as Fat Kid)
NC (vo): It's like they're not even trying to hide what characterized pawns they are. They just straight out address them as their physical trope.
Jason: That's sad.
NC: Yeah, well, get back to munching. (NC throws some fun-sized candy at Jason)
NC (vo): But he's not the only one who's typecasted. Look, it's the bully from the Wonder Years, playing the exact same bully except wearing a hair blimp for some reason. (An arrow pointing to his hair saying "Hair Blimp?")
EJ: (speaking into an invisible microphone) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. Tonight's question: what makes Fat Kid fat? Fat Kid? (he holds the mike out to him)
FK: Get out of here, EJ.
EJ: "Get out of here, EJ." Nope, not a good answer. That doesn't make any sense. Let's go to our man on the street, Derek.
Derek: Hi, I'm at the street where Fat Kid is blocking traffic--
NC (vo): Wow, are they looking to take this act on the road? As bullies go, they've worked a long time on this routine.
(Fat Kid ends up on the ground getting slapped around by EJ until a bike pulls over ridden by Rudy, who lights a match on his shoe, then uses it to light a cigarette)
NC (vo): Aw, shit, it's Lindsay Lohan.
Rudy: Beating up my friend Horace?
EJ: Rudy, I--
Jim: I'm gonna nurture this moment of pain for you. Shh.
Rudy: You dropped your candy bar, EJ.
EJ: It's his.
Rudy: It's yours now. Eat.
(EJ is made to eat the Snickers bar he stomped onto the ground, the kids all grossed out)
NC (vo): Yeah, well, wait until you see what he's like when the cameras aren't rolling.
(Clip from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)
Kevin Morton: I am always ready! I have been ready since first call!
NC (vo): This is Rudy, a badass kid who for some reason really wants to join Sean's monster club that he put together.
Derek: He's in Junior High. We should let him in on one condition. (with Sean and FK) Monster Test! (to Rudy) Is Frankenstein the name of the monster or the guy who made him?
Rudy: The guy.
Rudy: Wait! Am I in or what?
NC (vo): Yyyeah, it's a little questioning why Rudy would want to hang with them, seeing how he's older and clearly has other things on his mind!
(Rudy's shown peeking in on Patrick's sister changing through binoculars)
Rudy: I'm beginning to like this club.
Sean: Rudy! Come on, it's a monster test. It's important, okay?
NC (vo): (as Rudy) Look, I may have killed a homeless person and need a really good alibi. Your club is a good cover, okay?
(Sean's little sister, Phoebe, comes in through the trap door)
Sean: Can't you read?
Phoebe: Mom said you have to let me in the club or else it's prescription!
Sean: That's discrimination, jerkoid. (He begins closing the door on her)
Phoebe: Come on, Sean! How about once? (and the door's closed)
NC: Yeah, that'll teach those lousy girls for not indulging our prejudice! (Someone knocks on the door) Now who can that be?
(They get up and open the door, revealing Tamara Chambers)
Tamara: Dudes! Can't I be a part of your collective mid-life crises?
NC: I'm sorry, Tamara, but as you can read, (pointing to the sign on the door) "No girls." The backwards s is for emphasis.
Jason: Yeah, you'll just priss up our boys club with flowers or something.
Jim: Yeah, fuck flowers!
(The guys all cheer)
Tamara: You guys aren't even boys. Most of you are in your fucking 30s.
Rob: Don't worry, we'll only ignore you till the third act when we suddenly realize the error of our ways.
Tamara: Well, that's like two thirds of the review.
NC: That'll teach you for maturing faster than us. (the guys laugh at her as NC slowly closes the door) You have a vagina! (the door closes and Tamara sighs. NC opens it quickly) But seriously, if you could come and save us in the last third, you worthless sack of nothingness, that'd be great.
Rob: Girls suck.
(Tamara is stunned silent)
NC (vo): Dracula literally ships himself via airmail to the boys' neighborhood, but through a pretty awesome reveal scene, the cargo is dropped and he sets out to locate the rest of his team.
(Lightning flashes over Dracula, one shot turning his head from normal to an evil skull for a split second)
NC (vo): (as Dracula) Whoa-ho, sorry. Just a little twitch I got there.
NC: We all get nervous twitches like that sometimes.
(A flash of lightning fills the room, making the guys' heads turn into Tim Curry characters. Malcolm is Pennywise, Rob is Mr. Jigsaw from Loaded Weapon 1, NC is the hotel concierge from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Jason is Dr. Frank N. Furter, and Jim is Cardinal Richlieu from The Three Musketeers. NC looks around confused what just happened)
Sean: Some of the guys and me were maybe gonna go see Groundhog Day Part 12 tonight. Only if it's okay with you. Is it, please?
Det. Del Crenshaw: Sean, it is a guy with an axe.
NC (vo): Groundhog Day 12, about a killer with an axe? Boy, I know Bill Murray's been really loose with some of his roles, but this...(a picture of Bill Murry's head photoshopped onto an axe killer is shown) is actually kind of awesome. Never mind.
Det. Rich Sapir: You telling me there's this 2,000-year old here, right?
NC (vo): His father is a cop who gets called to a crime scene where apparently an ancient mummy has been stolen. But don't worry, his comedic sidekick is there to Chris Tucker it up.
Rich: You wanna ask me about the hood ornament?
Del: What about the hood ornament?
Rich: I thought you'd never ask./ I'm a very good policeman, you know that?/Let's be firemen instead./Haha!/Hello?/Hoo!/Aaah!/Hahahahahahahaha!
NC (vo): He's like a primordial Gus from Psych. (a picture of Gus appears on the right) You want to hate what a stereotype he is, but...he's just so good at being that stereotype.
Del: The problem is 2,000-year old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves.
(Cut to the Mummy proving him wrong by walking down the street)
NC (vo): (as Mummy) Never mind me. I'm just a 2,000-year old dead guy fulfilling a punchline. (normal) We also get a glimpse of our werewolf...(the Wolfman appears in the back of the ambulance he's riding in) who looks more like a werebadger. A shitfaced werebadger...as him and the other monsters meet up to bring the Frankenstein monster back to life. How? The same way you'd jumpstart a car apparently.
(Dracula puts jumper cables onto the monster's neck bolts, then holds out a lightning rod to charge him up)
NC (vo): (as Dracula) Give him more gas. Oh, no, you're flooding him! Oh, great, where am I gonna find a resurrection shop this time of night?
Monster: Aaah. Master.
(Thunder and lightning flash all around as Dracula and Frankenstein's monster reach out their hands to each other)
NC (vo): Wonderful. Now that they've awkwardly held their hands out without grabbing them, they can finally start the recreation of the Halloween That Almost Wasn't. All hail Judd Hirsch! But Sean gets a feeling that something is up. For you see, his mother got him a book from a garage sale that's, get this, Van Helsing's Vampire Diary, and somebody named Mr. Alucard (an arrow pointing at the name is shown) is looking for it.
(And a clip from Fargo)
NC (vo): I don't know what's funnier. The fact that Dracula, the king of all vampires, uses such an obvious anagram to trick people, or the fact that it actually takes the kid two tries to figure out that it was Dracula backwards! I would say he needs to pay more attention in school, but they said he does nothing but draw pictures of monsters. You'd think this would be kind of second nature to him!
Sean: You're being such a dork!
NC (vo): But he's not the only one getting ghostly visions. One of the other members of the club gets a creepy visit.
Eugene: There was a monster in my closet.
Eugene's dad: Okay, monsters. (he opens the closet door and the Mummy is there!) Ooh!
NC (vo): (as Mummy) Can you help me? Outside of this obvious joke, I have no reason to be in this scene--hey! (the door's closed on him)
Eugene's dad: Listen. Keep this up and you're not gonna look at those monster magazines.
NC (vo): (as Eugene's dad) Why don't you watch less violent? Like Robotech. (normal) Sean declares his group the Monster Squad as he's convinced that there are in fact monsters roaming the neighborhood.
Sean: I think there's monsters. Like real ones. A mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.
Eugene: Mummy came in my house.
(NC is confused by Eugene)
NC: We don't want to hear how your mommy came in your house, weird Confederate hat wearing kid.
(That statement gets Malcolm's attention)
Malcolm: Wait a minute. What?
NC. Yeah! (a clip of Eugene wearing a Confederate hat is shown) He wears a Confederate through like most of this movie!
Malcolm: Was this a thing in the 80s?
(The rest of the guys are all saying no about it. Jason reaches for a picture of himself dressed as a Confederate soldier and puts it in his Twinkie box)
NC (vo): While the kids try to see if they can have the Van Helsing diary translated by some Scary German Guy--(a clip from the credits is shown) and I'm not even kidding, (the picture zooms in on his credit being listed as Scary German Guy) that's also his name in the movie...
(Clips of the kid saying "Scary German Guy")
NC (vo): This movie is so bizarrely blunt. One of the monsters makes himself present at the pond next to Sean's little sister.
(A shadow comes over Phoebe, and it's revealed to be the Frankenstein monster, henceforth referred to as Frankenstein)
NC (vo): Oh, boy, I hope you have your flood insurance paid up, kid. This usually doesn't end well.
(Cut to the Scary German Guy holding a knife)
German: Boys, time is almost up. (He takes the knife into a pie, cutting a slice) It's your last chance for pie.
NC (vo): (as German) Shall I cryptically serve you other desserts?
German: Good and evil are in constant flux.
NC (vo): So he translates the book saying that an amulet of good is keeping balance in the world.
German: It is a talisman which wards off evil and is, how you say, uh...indestructible?
FK: That means it can't be destroyed.
NC (vo): (as FK) I speak German.
German: He wants to battle those forces himself.
NC (vo): But he also says it's made vulnerable every hundred years, and if it's destroyed, evil will rule the world. Well, seeing how it's almost a hundred years o'clock, they figure that's what the monsters are after.
FK: You sure know a lot about monsters.
German: Now that you mention it, I suppose I do.
(He closes the door, revealing a concentration camp identification tattoo on his arm)
NC (vo): Holy shit, movie! You wanna grow these viewers up as quickly as possible!
German: I suppose I do.
NC: (vo): Umm...I'm just gonna slip my innocent mind into denial mode and say that's somebody's phone number he's trying to remember.
Rob: I don't think that's enough numbers--
NC: It's somebody's phone number!
Horace: Okay, so, say we get the amulet, then what?
Sean: We get a virgin...
Horace: Then what?
Sean: Well, our virgin takes the amulet, reads the magic spell from the book, and blamo. We blow them all to Limbo.
(Cut to a diner where the boys find Rudy)
Sean: Rudy, question?
Sean: Know any virgins?
(Rudy spits his Pepsi out in surprise as the scene transitions to a rock being thrown into a pond)
NC (vo): Jesus Christ, I can't believe how many non-kid things are in this obvious kids movies. Hell, this was almost looking like a Pepsi commercial before that line came up. Unless, maybe that's what Pepsi wants to be associated with.
Sean: Know any virgins?
(As Rudy spits his drink out, the screen freezes as the Pepsi Logo appears in the bottom left corner.)
NC (vo as announcer): Pepsi: Know any virgins?
NC (vo): But in the middle of their virgin search, Sean's little sister comes across something truly interesting.
(Scene pans up to show the Monster. The boys run away in fear as Phoebe slowly approaches the monster and grabs its hand).
Phoebe: It's okay, you guys. He's friends with us. Come on, don't be chickenshit!
NC (vo): Damn, even the little sister's got a mouth on her. What the hell are they teaching on Sesame Street nowadays?
(Shows the logo for Sesame Street with Elmo, Cookie Monster, Grover and Abbey)
NC (vo as Elmo): Today's episode is brought to you by "Fuck Your Chickenshit Eating Mother." Cock bastard!
(The monster finds a mask based on its likeness)
NC (vo): Yeah, I guess the Universal Monster films were kind of disturbingly accurate; kind of a strange coincidence. Does that mean somewhere there is a Phantom of the Opera that can actually sing? (Two different versions of the Phantom are shown)
Monster: (puts on the mask) S-scary?
(Cut to a scene of the kids, their dog, and the monster walking towards the sunset together.)
NC (vo): Well, *sighs* some corporations slap their logo on that. That is by far the most perfect ending to a commercial if ever I've seen one.
NC (vo): Happy Halloween to you and your family. Brought to you by Pepsi: Know any virgins?
Sean: Hey, guys, get over here, he's great!
(Sean punches the monster in the arm jokingly, making him push Sean)
Phoebe: Now can I be in the monster club?
Jim: So she did help them out, didn't she?
NC: Yeah...I'm starting to feel a little bad about the way we treated Tamara earlier.
Malcolm: Yeah... Bogus balls.
Jason: We should've been more supportive, like the great Robert E. Lee and John Wilkes Booth.
Rob: Hey, I have an idea: How about the next girl we see, we let her join? Which, according to my calculations, should be just about.....
(There is a knock at the door. NC opens it and Tamara is standing there, disguised as a cowboy with a long moustache.)
Tamara: (manly voice) Oh, howdy, gentlemen! I was just peeing standing up and I saw that you had a boys club.
Jim: Sorry, buddy, but it's a bit of a sausage fest in here and we're in need of a few clams.
Jason: Besides, you look like a Yankee anyways.
NC: Yeah. (and he goes to close the door)
Tamara (normal voice): No, no, no, no, no! Damn it!
(Tamara walks away and we can hear the guys talking behind the door)
Rob (offscreen): I can't believe my calculations were wrong!
Malcolm (offscreen): He was pretty hot, though.
(Scary music is heard as Tamara goes to leave)
Tamara: Lousy flip-flopping fobs! (suddenly Tamara sees something quite scary) Oh, my God! Aaaah!
(We then go to a commercial break card with the guys posing)
Malcolm: Token Troop will return after these messages.
(We come back from commercial break, the card showing Tamara rolling her eyes as she brushes a Dora the Explorer doll's hair)
Malcolm: We now return to the Token Troop.
NC (vo): So the monsters find the amulet....presumably while a full moon is going on the entire week, and victory seems to be theirs.
Dracula: Soon the creatures of the night shall rule the world. And there is no one to stop us!
(Sean is waking up in bed to his alarm clock)
NC (vo): (as Sean) Wow, his performance was so hammy, it actually woke me up. So they prepare for monster hunting via motivational synth guitar and ask Patrick's sister, who Rudy's been eavesdropping on this whole time, to help them, seeing how they're pretty sure she's a virgin... Which is really confusing seeing how they never mention the virgin had to be female, but in an 80s boy's movie, girls are either annoying nuisances or walking sex. There's no in-between.
Patrick's sister: You guys are sick!
(Rudy pulls out some pictures)
Rudy: Guess what? There's a space on the bulletin board right between the prom committee notes and the football roster.
NC (vo): Oh, my God, he's been taking pictures of her changing? Doesn't that technically mean she should be blackmailing him? I mean, that's kind of serious shit. You can be put away for stuff like that. Unless you plan to put it online in which case, pfft, suddenly, nobody can find you.
Patrick: I don't believe this.
NC (vo): They figure they're at 666 Shadowbrook Rd. because... I think we've established this is not a very subtle Dracula...and they interrupt him trying to break down the wall. (Dracula blows a hole in the wall leading to the amulet, which makes a good portion of the house collapse) The boys' cover is literally blown, which, of course, leads to the line that would define a generation.
(Sean and FK are caught by the Wolfman)
Sean: Kick him in the nards!
Sean: Kick him in the nards!
FK: He doesn't have nards!
Sean: Do it! Do it!
FK: Wolfman's got nards!
(The guys look at this like it's some brand new insight)
NC: For every young lover of monster movies, this blew every kid's mind.
Jason: Wolfman's got nards. This movie's asking questions we never would've thought to ask before.
Jim: If Frankenstein's monster is made up of several different people, does that mean he's got several different nards?
Malcolm: If every part of a mummy is wrapped up, do they wrap up his nards as well?
Rob: Did the Creature from the Black Lagoon have hidden nards? Nards that retreated inward, like a turtle.
NC: If the Phantom of the Opera's face was deformed, does he also have deformed nards?
Jason: This movie is asking questions.
Jim: Questions that need fucking answers!
(Another knock on the door)
NC: Who dare interrupt our thrilling nard conversation? (The guys get up and NC throws the door open) What is it?
Rob: We're talking nards!
Tamara: There's a monster out here!
NC: Look, buddy, I know you wanna join our team, but (Tamara rips her moustache off) I don't know what's real anymore!
Tamara: Look, I just barely just got away! Check it out!
(The guys look over and gasp at what they're seeing)
NC: God, it's the greatest threat to 80s boy's team that there is.
Rob: The Wolfman?
Jason: (like Scooby-Doo) Nards?
NC: Worse. It's...Reality!
(The Reality Monster lurches towards the guys, covered in bills, especially those marked FINAL NOTICE)
Reality: You have bills to pay, car insurance, house rent, student loans.
(The guys scream in fear at the sight of the monster!)
Rob: What do we do, yo?
NC: We have to utilize everybody that we can! (Tamara's about to come in, but NC slams the door on her) By calling the authorities.
Jim: We can't do that! They'll take us away and perform science experiments on us!
Jason: Damn Union bastards!
Rob: According to my charts, there should be an ancient book of ancientness. Every 80s kids film has an ancient book of ancientness!
NC: You're right!
(NC bends down to get something as Reality is getting closer to the guys. NC comes back up holding Journal #3 from Gravity Falls)
Malcolm: Rad sauce!
Rob: Test tubular.
NC: A-ha! According to this, there is one way out.
Jim: What is it?
NC: An 80s montage.
(A montage is played of the guys picking up weapons. Rob has a shotgun while Malcolm has an assault rifle.)
(Jim pulls a katana out of a sheath, while Jason pulls up a broom, biting on the bristles. NC pulls out a leather whip)
NC: This it? We got like a solid minute of music. Do something else!
(The guys start dancing around with their weapons before Rob has an idea)
Rob: Gentlemen, according to my calculations, there's a really simple way around this.
Jim: We can't understand any of your science mumbo jumbo, man! Speak English!
Rob: Put simply, we lock the door.
(Rob turns the lock just as Reality comes to open the door, only to find it locked)
Reality: What the motherfucking...? Ah, shit, let me see here. Um...(he knocks on the door) Maybe... (The Reality Monster leaves cursing to itself. The guys cheer!)
NC: Yeah, Token Troop is the best!
(The guys freeze frame high five as the Token Troop logo appears on screen. NC then turns to the camera)
NC: So after the boys escape...
NC (vo): ...with the amulet by using garlic on pizza because... (One of the kids presses a slice of pizza onto Dracula's face, burning him) it's the 80s and pizza solved everything, they ride off in their car, but Dracula's hearse ain't far behind.
(Dracula gets out of the hearse and rips the backdoor off).
NC (vo): Dude, that's your own car you're destroying. I don't know what place rents hearses with skulls on the hood, but I imagine they're pretty costly.
Del: Freeze! You move and I'll kill you!
NC (vo): The father corners him at gunpoint, but Dracula uses every vampire's classic, deadliest method....dynamite. Um, I kind of thought that was Wile E. Coyote's weapon of choice, but....hell, if the (picture from Sleepy Hollow) Headless Horseman can use a machine gun nowadays, I guess anything's possible.
Rich: Dispatch, we got a 10-35, send back up! Hurry it up!
NC (vo as Del): Hey, don't do that, my black guy's still in there.
(Dracula uses the dynamite to blow up the police car with Rich still inside)
NC (vo): OH, MY GOD, NOOOOO!!! BLACK GUUYYYY!!!!
(Scene from the original Planet of the Apes)
George Taylor: You maniacs. You blew it up!
NC (vo): Jesus Christ! You killed an 80's white cop's comedic black sidekick. He's practically naked throughout the rest of the movie without him!
(Del stares at Dracula, who raises his cape. Behind Dracula, Emily opens the door just as Dracula turns into a bat)
NC (vo as Emily): Honey, why does the driveway smell like burning black guy--Holy nards!
Emily: (panicked) Del, what's happening? What?
NC (vo): The kids try to get the sister to read the book, but some of Dracula's fresh bites start tracking them down. Very, very slowly.
Patrick's sister: I'm flunking German!
Patrick: Where you going, Rudy?
Rudy: I'm in the goddamn club, aren't I?
NC (vo as one of the boys): Careful! At this rate, they'll catch up with you in about an hour!
(Rudy shoots an arrow through one of the "fresh bites")
NC (vo): The other monsters catch up to them, but....once again, dynamite seems to be the answer to everything in this film.
(Del shove dynamite down the Wolfman's pants. He pushes him out the window and he explodes in midair.
NC (vo): Dude! This movie not only gave us an exploding werewolf, it gave us an exploding midair werewolf. A mid-Airwolf if you will! That's two extra points for creative exploitation. (The Wolfman pulls himself back together because he wasn't killed by silver) But unfortunately, Werebadger don't give a shit. Werebadger just puts itself back together again, which doesn't bode well, seeing how the sister is apparently not a virgin.
Patrick: You're not a virgin, are you?
Patrick's sister: Well...Steve, but he doesn't count.
Patrick: Doesn't count?!
NC (vo): That leaves only the majority of our main characters that can do it. Curse these rules that we forgot to insert.
Jason: Dude, did you find something about this movie you didn't like?
NC: Yeah, I don't know, just... The more I think about it, it doesn't make a whole lot of logical sense.
Rob: Yeah, scientifically speaking, nothing's really coming together.
Jim: Yeah, it's like...reality's setting in.
(Outside the door, the Reality monster is, well, making reality sink in)
Malcolm: Well, let's keep going, I guess. Waka-waka.
(The Gill Guy is lurching towards FK)
NC (vo): We see, by pretty huge coincidence, Fat Kid comes across the bullies from earlier who won't let him in, trying to escape a monster.
FK: Let me in, EJ! Let me in!
(FK turns around and shoots the Gill Guy dead with the shotgun)
EJ: Hey, Fat Kid. Good job.
Horace: My name...is Horace! (he then cocks his gun like a badass)
NC: ...I should be blown away by how incredibly awesome this moment is.
Jim: Hell, every kid probably creamed their pants at this scene.
Rob: Well, all I can think about is how inappropriate it is for a child to be holding a shotgun. (NC shakes his head) Did anybody look at the charts?
(Outside, Reality continues to set in)
Malcolm: Wouldn't their parents have flipped out over this movie? Dianetics.
(Phoebe is now reading from the book)
NC (vo): They figure out that Sean's sister, as well as anyone, really, can read the passage, but, of course, because all vampires are anti-running, Dracula heads over very, very slowly to stop them.
(A cop tries to stop Dracula, but gets backhand punched for it)
NC (vo): (as Dracula) That's for Dracula Untold. (A cop hits him with a nightstick, but gets his arm broken) That's for Dracula: Dead And Loving It. (Another cop attacks, but gets put in a headlock, then his neck snapped) That's for Blade: Trinity. I mean, Adam Sandler was a better me than Dominic Purcell. (Two cops try to attack, but they fail) This is for that ridiculous haircut on Gary Oldman. It looks like an albino's anus, for crying out loud.
(Dracula lifts Phoebe up by her neck with one arm)
Dracula: Give me the amulet, you bitch!
(Phoebe screams as Dracula bares his fangs and his eyes turn red)
NC (vo): (as Dracula) I'm exploiting this PG-13 rating like nobody's shit ass goddamn bitch business! (Frankenstein's monster grabs Dracula, making him put Phoebe down) (normal) But Frankenstein's monster comes in to catchphrase him to death.
(Quick snippet from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure as they air guitar. Dracula is thrown onto a spiked fence which impales him, but doesn't kill him)
NC (vo): The portal is finally opened and Van Helsing comes out to finish his job.
(Van Helsing drags Dracula with him back to Limbo, giving a thumbs up to Sean before they're sucked in)
NC (vo): (as Van Helsing) Thanks for doing all the hard work for me. Please don't let Stephen Sommers tell my story!
(Frankenstein's monster is being help by Phoebe as she tries to keep him from being sucked in)
NC (vo): But it looks like the Frankenstein monster has to go, too, which is actually pretty fucking sad.
Phoebe: Don't go away, Frankenstein! Please don't go! Please! Please don't go away! (she throws her teddy bear at him so he won't be alone in Limbo)
NC (vo): Oh, for God's sake! Really? Really? He catches the bear? Yeah, that'll keep you great company if Dracula doesn't take it away from you and piss down its button removed eyes. I'm sure it'll make all the difference.
(A tank rolls in, along with the National Guard)
NC (vo): Eventually, the military comes in. Yeah, wonder how that call went. "General, half of Spencer's clearance costumes are running amok." And they try to figure out what happened.
General: All right, son, where are they? Where are the monsters?
Eugene: Mummy came in my house.
NC (vo): Will you stop putting the camera on him?
General: Can someone tell me what the Sam Hill's going on around here?
Sean: Well, we can, sir.
General: Who are you?
Sean: We're the Monster Squad.
NC (vo): Thus, they say the catchphrase that no one will ever repeat, play the song that nobody will ever buy, and we finish the movie that I'm sure in no way will ever be dated whatsoever.
NC: So, guys, what do you think?
Malcolm: Well, when you really think about it, it's pretty stupid.
Jason: Yeah, really stupid.
NC: Like, "It's amazing the 80s even allowed it out of its own decade" stupid.
Rob: Huh. The numbers agree.
(The Reality monster laughs as more of it sets in)
NC: We don't even know what audience this is aimed for. I mean, it has aspects of a kids film, a lot of famous overused aspects, but there's way too much swearing and gore and violence and sex and just all around bad messages.
Rob: And gunplay.
NC: Yeah, right?
Jason: What about that scene where Dracula calls a little girl a bitch right to her face? That was mean.
NC: That was very mean.
(As the Reality monster continues to aim its magic at the guys, Tamara gets its attention)
Tamara: Hey! (The monster turns to face her) Alright, buddy. You may be a reality monster, but I know the one thing that destroys reality... (the monster closes in on her) Internet comments! (Tamara holds up a laptop which has YouTube comments on screen, freaking the monster out!)
Comments. Ebola is the biggest threat in America. / Rush Limbaugh is the world's smartest man. / 9/11 was just a plot by Radical Samurai Pizza Cats.
NC: The effects are great, except when they're not. It's just a huge mess.
Comments: You can't be funny if anyone is ever offended. / All women are evil. / All men are evil.
NC: It's overly violent, it's insane, it's totally drenched in the 80s.
Comments: Your opinion is not my opinion, so that factually makes it wrong.
(The sheer madness is enough to blow up the Reality monster!)
NC: And that's why it's awesome! (the guys cheer!) I mean, look at this movie! It's overly violent, it's insane, it's totally drenched in the 80s!
Rob: And look at all the gunplay!
Jason: I mean, the scene with the little girl being called a bitch to her face!
NC: It's fantastic, man! It's so awesome!
(Clips of the movie play as we go to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): I mean, look at it. The 80s is everywhere! It's like a tribute to everything that was both ridiculous and awesome about one of the most ridiculously awesome time periods ever! If you love the 80s and you love monster films, then this is the best new Halloween classic. God-fucking-damn it!
(A knock on the door is heard)
NC: I wonder who that is! (The guys open the door up to Tamara)
Tamara: I defeated the monster. Can I be in your stupid gang, now?
NC: Well, what have you done for us recently?
Tamara: I defeated the monster!
NC: I don't see any proof.
Tamara: I got a new laptop!
NC: I already got one.
Tamara: I crossdressed!
NC: Hah! Everyone crossdresses on Nostalgia Critic. (to Jason) Which, by the way, we gotta get your dress nice.
Tamara: You know what, that's fine. I'm gonna audition to be a 90s sports teen tomboy. (she flips them the bird as she leaves)
NC: I'm sure she'll be fantastically written. (whispering) She won't be. No.
Jim: So what now?
NC: Well, now I believe proper protocol calls for us turning to the camera, saying our group name, some terrible pop song plays, and the credits very slowly roll by while we just linger here awkwardly.
Jason: The South will rise again.
NC: Well, without further ado... We're the Token Troop.
(The guys cheer and talk with each other while the credits slowly roll by on the bottom. NC plays with the Appa doll by making it smoke the cigarette Jim had tucked behind his ear. NC also puts the cigarette in Rob's mouth while Jim puts his sunglasses on Rob's face over his own glasses. Eventually they quiet down while the credits are still rolling, making it awkward.)
NC: You know what, just do the usual-
(And we cut to the regular ending credits)
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Phoebe: Come on, don't be chickenshit!