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Mission Earth
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Date Aired
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October 17, 2021
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Running Time
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43:16
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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Website
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Sponsor[]
Todd:: This video is sponsored by CuriostyStream.
Cut to a montage of a CuriosityStream ad
Todd (VO): Get access to my streaming video service Nebula when you sign up for CuriosityStream using the link in the description.
Todd: If you watch my Trainwreckords series, I presume you like rise and fall stories.
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Buena Vista's 1999 Feature Presentation ID plays
Announcer (Brian Cummings): And now, our feature presentation!
Intro[]
Todd: I usually try to keep these videos short, but today we’re gonna break format a little and dive deep. Really deep. This is the story of two men. [brief clips of Edgar Winter…] One a musical visionary; […and L. Ron Hubbard] the other a prophet. Let’s start with the first.
Clip of Edgar Winter Group – “Frankenstein”
Todd (VO): Edgar Winter, by all accounts, lives and breathes music. Born with albinism that would eventually leave him legally blind, he threw himself into music at a young age becoming a master of the keyboard, saxophone, drums, and several other instruments. He began his professional career backing up his brother, blues legend Johnny Winter, but [clip of live performance of Edgar Winter Group – “Free Ride”] Edgar quickly struck out on his own and blew up in the mid-Seventies with a couple massive smash hits that’ve stayed classic rock staples for decades.
Dan Hartman: Well come on and take a free ride (Free ride)
Todd (VO): If he had continued that, or if he had stuck to one genre like his brother, he could’ve been a superstar. But Edgar could not be pinned down to one thing. Through the Seventies, he had a prolific and eclectic output that spans [covers flash on screen, in this order: the box set Tell Me in a Whisper: The Solo Albums 1970 - 1981] his solo records; his two separate [...the UK single for "Frankenstein" by...] bands, the Edgar Winter Group [...Recycled by...] and Edgar Winter’s White Trash; [...Together! with...] collaboration albums with his brother, Johnny, and with [...and the UK release of Live in Japan with...] sideman turned solo hitmaker, Rick Derringer. And in the course of it, he tackled rock, funk, blues, jazz, soul, pop. Even a [album cover for The Edgar Winter Album] disco album that’s shockingly pretty decent. [Clip of live performance] That lack of consistency cost him commercially, but to those in the know, he remains a deeply respected artist to this day.
Todd: Now, this is a show about career-enders.
Todd (VO): Since Edgar was only mainstream for a brief period, and was always more a musician’s musician, it’s a little difficult to map the arc of his career, but…
Todd: …for aficionados, it’s generally agreed that his classic period ends in 1981. [close-up of the text on the cover of Tell Me in a Whisper] All the retrospectives and greatest hits CDs stop right there. There are two reasons for this.
Live performance of “Frankenstein”
Todd (VO): The first reason is that after an extremely productive Seventies, he went on a long hiatus in the Eighties for reasons I was not able to ascertain. Very odd that a synth pioneer like Edgar would sit out the synth decade. He did still tour, he [clips of Edgar playing sax in the music video for Tina Turner - “Simply the Best”…] did session work for other artists. […and his own “Frankenstein 1984”] He remade his biggest hit, “Frankenstein” with a new rap verse.
Edgar: Frankenstein was overcharged with a simpleton man
A million teravolts more than he should’ve been
Todd (VO): Uh-huh. [image of Edgar in the Seventies] But other than that, he produced no new music for eight years.
Todd: And the second reason is that when he finally did make a new album… [pause] Boy, what a project he chose to return with.
A promo for the Church of Scientology begins, with the tagline "KNOW YOURSELF. KNOW LIFE." underneath
Todd (VO): The timeline is murky, but at some point, Edgar Winter joined the Church of Scientology, led by its founder, [clip of interview with…] L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard’s philosophy and the inner workings of his church are, of course, very controversial. But today, we talk about not L. Ron Hubbard, the guru…
Todd: …but L. Ron Hubbard, the artist.
Footage of Scientology lecture hosted by Hubbard
Todd (VO): After devoting several decades of his life to his church and religious studies, he went deep into seclusion so that he could focus on…
Todd: …his original passion, writing. [brief still images…] And at the same time that Edgar was entering a long dry spell, Hubbard was having a late-in-life explosion of creativity. [screenshot of article: “Is L. Ron Hubbard Dead?”] He was so deep in his work, in fact, that there were rumors that he had died, but…
Clip of Galaxy Press's 2016 Special Edition trailer for Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000
Todd (VO): …he eventually proved his continued existence in 1982 by publishing his magnum opus: A thousand-page sci-fi epic named, Battlefield Earth.
Todd: Now, your more cynical observers have disagreed with this version of events, saying [shots of the following newspaper and magazine articles: “Mystery of the Vanished Ruler”…] that he had actually disappeared because […“Scientology Boss Gets Jail Term”…] he was in hiding from various world governments for various crimes, […“Scientology’s Chief For Millions, Ex-Aides Say”…] that he was still tightly in control of his church, […and “Xenu’s Paradox: The Fiction of L. Ron Hubbard and the Making of Scientology” with "Between you and me, I hate the hell out of gadgets." highlighted] and that he’d never even liked science fiction and only returned to it because [brief clip of TV spot for Empire Strikes Back] he wanted some of that Star Wars money. [back to Todd] I am of course not saying that. [chuckles nervously] We are gonna…tread very carefully here. Although if my next video is called, [image of fake YouTube video called…] “Scientology Sued Me, and Then It Got Worse”, you’ll know why. [shrugs] I’m just saying, you know…people have said.
Screen capture of New York Times Bestseller list, with, parked at #13...
Todd (VO): Regardless, Battlefield Earth, quickly hit the bestsellers list. [brief clip of a bookshelf lined with copies of Battlefield Earth] But even that doorstopper of a book would be dwarfed in ambition by Hubbard’s next project, [image of a big paper stack] a work of literature so massive, that its publisher had to [images of a stack of original printings of...] cut it into a ten-book series. [...followed by a promotional image for contemporary printings] That series was Mission Earth, the story of heroic space adventurer, [drawings of...] Jettero Heller and his mission from the Voltar confederacy to save the alien planet Earth and its people from destruction. [...image of copies upon copies of the books lined up] The Mission Earth series was published across a two-year span between 1985 and 1987. And it also hit the bestsellers list. [newspaper article: "L. Ron Hubbard, 74, Founder of Church of Scientology, Dies"] Hubbard, in poor health, would only live to see the publication of the first book. But during his final year of life, [image of Hubbard near a globe] he still had yet more plans for this series. [zoom in on an image of the spines for the entire series, lined up in order] Mission Earth would not just be in bookstores.
Todd: It would be in record stores.
Clip of Edgar Winter interview, with "Just a Kid" playing over it
Todd (VO): In ’85, Edgar Winter was contacted by Hubbard’s publishers about making an album based on the book series.
Todd: And when your religion’s prophet tells you to do something, you do it.
Zoom in on Winter
Todd (VO): Hubbard and Winter never met or spoke directly. They communicated entirely through voice mail. And...
Todd: ...this being the mid-Eighties, I mean [images of…] they recorded messages on cassette tapes and sent them through the mail.
Clip of L. Ron Hubbard interview
Todd (VO): Hubbard sketched out the lyrics and melodies and his ideas for composition, [clip of Winter on the sax] which Winter would eventually turn into a full album. He would not finish it until well after Hubbard’s death…
Todd: …but regardless, there it was. [advertisement for the album] An actual whole record based on the [close-up of text on the ad] science fiction of L. Ron Hubbard. [pause, as "Just a Kid" stops] I want to emphasize here that this is not some secret internal church relic that internet sleuths dug up. [image of the LP version, with the disc out of its jacket, the inner sleeve on the bottom, and right next to it, an ad reading "CATCH THE BEAT OF MISSION EARTH!"] This was a real record from a real, respected hitmaker issued by a genuine label [clip of people looking through CD racks] sitting on shelves next to Mötley Crüe and Tom Petty albums for you to browse and purchase. It was intended to do real numbers. The label estimated that this baby was gonna sell about [close-up of article quote underlined in red…] eight hundred thousand copies. That’s almost platinum. [album cover for…] That’s at least twice what David Bowie’s Heroes sold. Amazingly…
Audio for “Mission Earth” plays over Edgar Winter concert footage
Todd (VO): …what actually happened is that Edgar’s weird album about the niche genre books of one of the most widely despised men in America…
Todd: …was repellent to basically everyone.
Edgar: Mission Earth
Mission Red
Todd (VO): What on Mission Earth happened here?
Todd: Well, get ready and make sure your Thetan count is low…
Video for “Cry Out”
Todd (VO): …’cause we’re gonna audit one of the most bizarre curiosities ever made in the history of rock.
Todd: This. Is. Trainwreckords.
Trainwreckords intro, followed by album cover for Mission Earth
L. Ron Hubbard, Musician[]
Clip of Todd standing outside a bookstore
Todd (VO): This is a building called, The Way To Happiness Foundation, that is [cut to Todd standing in front of and pointing at its entrance] right near my house. Whenever I want Subway for lunch, I drive right by it. I only moved to Los Angeles last year, so because of the pandemic, the doors have been locked and it’s been completely empty the entire time I’ve lived here. Which, [pause] you know…
Todd: …isn’t that the story of the last year and a half? No way to happiness for you!
Todd (VO): Now, it’s easy to miss, [Todd zooms in on a window poster…] but if you look closely inside, you can tell that this in fact […and circles “L. Ron Hubbard Library” in red] a Scientology center. And it’s not the only one…
Todd: …I’ve seen in L.A. either, which is so weird to me.
Clip from the South Park episode “Trapped in the Closet”
Todd (VO): Like, I’ve only ever known this religion as an internet punchline with [screenshot of article: “Defectors Say Church of Scientology Hides Abuse”] billions of accusations of horrible crimes, [clip of Way to Happiness building] and—and now, here it is.
Todd: Is—is this just like a normal regional thing out here that I just have to get used to like Del Tacos?!
Clips of famous celebrities associated with Scientology
Todd (VO): I guess it makes sense that they’d be all over Los Angeles considering their considerable reach in Hollywood. But while the church is best known for its connections in film and television, it has also claimed a number of famous musicians. [brief clips of performances and music videos from…] There was soul icon, Isaac Hayes; jazz fusion legend, Chick Corea; jazz singer, Al Jarreau; Rolling Stones sideman, Nicky Hopkins; alt-rocker, Beck; old-school rapper, Doug E. Fresh…
Todd: …and, you guessed it, [image of…] Frank Stallone. The first few of those people are all dead, and Beck has left, so…
Clip of Edgar Winter performance
Todd (VO): …that leaves Edgar Winter as probably the biggest musical Scientologist.
Todd: But arguably the most famous musician to ever be involved with the church was in fact [image of, on the bass…] L. Ron Hubbard himself, producing [album covers for the Battlefield Earth soundtrack…] several albums in his […and The Road to Freedom] lifetime and beyond. Because so much of his life is shrouded in secrecy, it is hard to separate truth from fiction, so I decided to get the real facts about L. Ron Hubbard’s music career…
Clip of promotional trailer for The L. Ron Hubbard Series, particularly singling out the volume Music Maker: Composer & Performer
Todd (VO): …directly from the L. Ron Hubbard Foundation itself.
Announcer: It’s a story spanning every form and tradition. Get to know Ron: The life. The legacy. The man.
Todd (VO): See? Now I got the real scoop. L. Ron, of course, only ever considered music a hobby, but…
Todd: [opens book] …according to this book, he was nonetheless a [screen captures of underlined quotes…] better bandleader than Buddy Rich, a pioneer of computer music, and the first man ever to compose a soundtrack for a book.
Todd (VO): The Buddy Rich comparison is about Hubbard’s [Still image of Ron with the Apollo Stars] jazz band that lived on his ship during his years in exile. [album cover for Power of Source] He produced their only album, and according to an ex-member, [Todd zooms in on…] L. Ron didn’t have a clue what he was doing, which doesn’t surprise me because it sounds like it was recorded on tin cans. [back cover for the album] You might enjoy it if you like super lo-fi jazz albums, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
Todd: As for the computer music and book soundtracks, I didn’t check if he was the first, but it is true that he put together a...
Album cover for...
Todd (VO): ...whole album based on Battlefield Earth called Space Jazz. A distinctly unjazzy album [image of…] recorded entirely with a then state-of-the-art computer synthesizer.
Todd: It is…
Distorted laughter and screams followed by wacky gun shots play over the audio for one of the songs
Todd: …beyond description.
Todd (VO): My best attempt is that...it sounds like the soundtrack to [brief clips of gameplay from…] Space Quest with half the notes missing and a bad radio drama played over it.
Todd: Perhaps L. Ron wanted a more professional sound for his next album. Hence him reaching out to Edgar Winter.
Working with Edgar Winter[]
Clip of Edgar Winter interview
Todd (VO): Winter was given an early manuscript of the book and Hubbard’s notes for the album, and Edgar said this was the first thing in a while to make him feel inspired.
Todd: [opens Music Maker again] Now according to his book...
Close-up of a circled paragraph, citing...
- Todd (VO): ...Edgar even praised Hubbard’s command of African counterrhythms, [clip of Paul Simon in concert during the Graceland era] which he had mastered years before Paul Simon’s use of them on Graceland.
Todd: That quote sounds…very suspicious to me, but I cannot prove anything about what Edgar did or didn’t say. [shot of an issue of Billboard, with a picture from the release party for Mission Earth] I had to do a lot of research to find out even the slightest thing about this very obscure record. Like, even the release date seems to be in question. [screen capture of Mission Earth appearing in an AllMusic search] Wikipedia and AllMusic and a bunch of other articles all say this album came out in ’86. I think that’s wrong. [shot of Indianapolis Star article: “Rock meets Scientology: New Edgar Winter album ecology-minded”] All the press coverage is from ’89. But who knows? Maybe Scientology did a small self-release because they couldn’t find a distributor for three years.
Footage of L. Ron Hubbard at Scientology rally
Todd (VO): Or maybe the church has backdated it to when Hubbard was alive to make it seem like he was more involved.
Todd: [shrugs] Or maybe it’s a typo, I dunno. So with information that scarce, I did something I usually don’t and I purchased myself [reaches under piano and pulls out…] an actual physical copy. [image of unpackaged Mission Earth vinyl record on Todd’s nightstand, with the first book next to it] Yeah. Yeah, check this baby out. Cool, huh? And, uh, funny thing. I found out later that [screenshot of Spotify search showing no results for "edgar winter mission earth"] this album is not completely available online, legally or illegally. I only found half of it. And, uh...since I don’t know how to digitize vinyl, [Todd slowly reveals…] that meant I had to buy it on CD to make this video. So, uh, now I have two copies. A couple of songs on this CD are all scratched up, but… [chuckles]
Screenshot of a YouTube upload of "Cry Out"
Todd (VO): …fortunately, I found them on YouTube so I didn’t have to buy a third copy.
Todd: But you know, I’m glad I have this. A lot of useful information in here. [screen captures of personnel credit list…] You can see who performed on it, […including underlined in red…] like trumpet player, Ron Miscaviage…
Clip of interview with Ron
Todd (VO): …who later became an ex-member and a major critic of Scientology, which…you know, that’s a pretty deal seeing as [promotional image of David Miscaviage] his own son now runs the goddamn place.
Todd: And on the back, you got [image of back cover for Mission Earth] little annotations for all the songs to tell you what the hell any of this is even about. Helpful. But I think I’ve stalled enough. Let’s listen to this thing. But before I start, I have to issue a pretty grave warning, and I want you to pay attention here, ‘cause this is very serious. When I play this album for you, you may like what you hear. [text appears: “WARNING: Music might be good”] I mean, it’s possible.
Clip of the Edgar Winter Group performing "Free Ride"
Todd (VO): Edgar Winter is an extremely talented guy. And he was quick to emphasize that this wasn’t gonna be anything too out there. It was a thoroughly accessible contemporary rock record. [screen capture of highlighted quote: "...massive corporate conspiracy, using drugs and rock and roll music to keep the populace sedate and obedient..."] Which is kinda funny, ‘cause in the books themselves, contemporary rock is a tool of the evil overlords to keep the masses sedated.
Todd: So if you’re looking for a gonzo disaster like Space Jazz, this is not gonna be that. You’re not gonna be baffled by it. You might even really enjoy it. [pause] And then where would we be? Scary stuff.
Todd (VO): So, let’s go.
The Mission Begins[]
Audio for “Mission Earth” plays over live performance
Todd (VO): We open with the title track, “Mission Earth.”
- Edgar: Oh, how and when did I go wrong
Was it women, drugs or bawdy song
Todd: Now this is from [images of…] the book’s narrator, who is not the hero, but instead the hero’s scheming, weaselly handler, Soltan Gris, who is secretly sabotaging the mission.
The opening narration for Mission Earth appears next to the cover for The Invaders Plan
- Soltan (Lewis Lovhaug): I, unfortunately, am the villain in this confession. But that is the function of the Gods: to put us in roles they see fit and let us struggle in our agony.
Todd: Yeah, it’s a villain point of view series, which is kinda interesting. Or at least it would be if Soltan did not [illustration of Soltan from book 1] "snivel in self-pity" his way through the books about what a horrible mission this is.
- Soltan: I lay there in dull misery. I had never felt so ill in my whole life. (Bleep) this mission. And (bleep) Heller! I ought to kill him! ...can’t you just go away and let someone be quietly miserable?
Todd: It gets very tiring on the page, but it does play a little better in song.
- Edgar: Mission Earth, Mission Red
Self-destruction straight ahead
Mission Earth…
Todd (VO): Eh. Actually, I guess I don’t mind this so far. Kinda Oingo Boingo-ish. It’s certainly not incompetent. This would make a pretty good theme song for a Mission Earth TV show.
Todd: Especially in the third verse where it becomes more of an advertisement than a song.
The song continues over a different performance clip
- Edgar: My confession will make your blood run HOT
With intrigue, sex and foggy pot
And all the sin that the Earth is in
Boiled into a cunning plot
Todd: [singing whilst impersonating Edgar] The story is so action-packed and intense, that you should read all ten volumes available at all major booksellers!
Back to the earlier clip Edgar: Mission Earth I was assigned
Todd (VO): You may be wondering why he’s singing like that. Is he playing a character?
Todd: Kind of. Honestly, he just kinda sounds like that.
Todd (VO): A minor problem with basically all of his solo albums is that he has to do his own singing, and he’s not really a great singer. I guess his nasal, Poindextery voice kinda works for the character, but he also can’t put much power into it. This song’s crying out for a Geddy Lee or someone.
Todd: But that’s, you know, that’s a minor thing. This song is pretty alright. You can’t say Edgar slacked off here.
Todd (VO): There’s a lot going on. Like, check out that solo.
Snippet of saxophone solo
Todd (VO): The song is six minutes and the last four are just bitchin’ solos. To be honest, I kinda think he was shredding like that to distract from the lyrics, ‘cause…
Todd: Oh, my God.
- Edgar: To Mission Earth I was assigned
A planet that was seizure-inclined
Todd (VO): Pffft! What?!
Todd: Are us Earthlings just, like, an unusually epileptic species? And actually, can—can we roll back to the bit about foggy pot?
- Edgar: With intrigue, sex and foggy pot
Todd: Is that a selling point? [images of cartoon agents…] Intrigue! […and a stoner smoking…] Pot clouds! Is this sci-fi action series also a stoner comedy? The L. Ron Music Maker book tells me the songs were all L. Ron’s babies. Edgar was just, [air quote] “the arranger.”
Todd (VO): I was skeptical that L. Ron was that involved, but…
Todd: …now I’m convinced because no professional songwriter would’ve ever written this.
- Edgar: Be not surprised as I confess
Deep-seated secrets of the very highest
Todd (VO): L. Ron was known for [image of Hubbard at his office desk] never editing his work and… Yeah, this could not be more first draft.
Todd: [holding the LP] So, if L. Ron was so involved, why isn’t his name on the front? [album cover for Lonely Avenue by…] Like, when novelist Nick Hornby wrote that Ben Folds album, his name was all over it. Well, to say the obvious, it’s probably because by 1989, Hubbard’s reputation was in the toilet.
Footage of what appears to be a 60 Minutes expose on Scientology
Todd (VO): Scientology had twenty years of investigations and lawsuits by that point, so right away, an L. Ron Hubbard album is already a toxic product to most people.
Todd: But when people asked Edgar if he thought Hubbard’s involvement would turn people off, he said, you know, [screenshot of Edgar Winter quote] “What does it matter if the music’s good. This isn’t a Scientology record. It’s not disseminating any Scientology beliefs.” [shrugs] And you know what, fair enough. Mission Earth is not technically part of Scientology. It’s a fictional series. Hubbard wrote it as a private citizen. [clip of people reading books at…] And I remember seeing it in regular bookstores, presumably read by a wide array of non-Scientologist sci-fi fans. And Hubbard was a very… old-school writer. His books are a world of [images of Mission Earth series book covers] manly, dashing heroes, snarly villainy villains, and beautiful, big-breasted women in skimpy outfits. You know, the classics. Exactly the kind of thing you could make a coherent rock opera out of. So, forget about [still shots of...] Xenu and Thetans and Operation Snow White. We’re all about that good old two-fisted pulp sci-fi here.
"Treacherous Love"[]
Todd (VO): And, [label for side 1 of the German LP edition] uh… let’s check out the second track, “Treacherous Love,” Ooh. I wonder what [illustration of a...] wicked, but easily seducible villainess this is about. [looks at back of vinyl record] Let’s see.
Pan down the liner notes
Todd (VO): “One of the first people Jettero Heller meets on Earth is Mary Schmeck, once a bright young girl with high goals and hopes, now fallen to drug addiction and prostitution through her involvement with… psychiatry and… psychology.”
Todd: [pause; slowly looks up] Okay. [image of The Invaders Plan featured on the Publishers Weekly] I should disclose that I did read the first book of this series. I skimmed the rest, and relied on plot summaries from the blogs, [screenshots of home pages for…] Mission: Spork, and Cast Iron Chaos. So, sorry if I get some of the details wrong. [image of all ten Mission Earth novels with text: “1.2 million words”] I didn’t have time to read the other books, and I’ve already gone well above and beyond for you people. But from what I am told, these books are virulently anti-psychiatry. [a few relevant images, led off by Dr. Hugo Strange, as depicted in Batman: Arkham Asylum; "The Spacer's Lot" begins over this] As in, the entire field of psychiatry is part of a secret organized conspiracy keeping society under control with drugs, turning people into homosexuals and necrophiliacs, and doing all sorts of horrible things.
Footage of news coverage of Scientology exhibit titled "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death
Todd (VO): And you probably already know that’s Scientology’s thing in real life. [photo of British protesters carrying numerous signs, reading such things as "PSYCHIATRY KILLS"] Hubbard and his church have waged war against mental healthcare for decades, [inside the exhibit] denied proper care to their followers. Even other anti-psychiatry groups think they’re nuts.
Todd: So you know, Edgar can say what he wants. There’s Scientology propaganda right on the cover of this!
Audio for “Treacherous Love” plays over another live performance
Todd (VO): To be fair, there’s nothing about psychiatry in the song, and…
Todd: It’s not the sexy villain romance I thought it’d be either.
- Edgar: My friends told me you were deadly
I did not believe them then
Todd (VO): The treacherous lover is in fact heroin.
Todd: And maybe also, [air quote] “foggy pot.” Who knows?
Todd (VO): Y'know, that’s a classic songwriter move, y'know, "drugs is lover" metaphor.
Todd: Let’s hear it.
- Edgar: Lead us not into temptation
With the lure of sweet sensation
Where’s the girl I’ve been dreaming of
Left me alone with a treacherous love
Treacherous love
Todd: [shrugs; starts snapping fingers along to the beat] Wow, Edgar. You’re really capturing the horrifying depths of heroin addiction!
Todd (VO): You know, I was not prepared for how cheesy the production is on this album. I was fine with it for the first song, I guess, but if it’s gonna sound like this for the whole way through, I don’t know. An album with such an “out there” premise should not sound this generic.
Todd: And the weird thing about this song is that it feels completely unrelated to the books. It feels like something he just had lying around and they shoehorned it into this album.
Todd (VO): Like, Edgar says that what he liked about the books was their anti-drug message, but if you didn’t read the notes, you would never know this song is about that. [cover for the second volume, Black Genesis] Mary Schmeck isn’t even an important character; she dies after a couple chapters.
Todd: The first couple times I heard this, I thought this was just an evil woman song!
- Edgar: And as you wound your spell about me
Each kiss I took begged more
Todd: [singing the chorus of Hall and Oates’ “Maneater”] “Watch out, boy. She’ll chew you up!”
Todd (VO): But again, I cannot deny those sax solos. Primo shit.
"Bang-Bang"[]
German LP label again
Todd (VO): On we go to the next number, where we introduce a new character, [cover for volume 3, The Enemy Within, featuring…] Bang-Bang.
Todd: [looks at the back of the LP] Hold on. Let me read the notes for this.
Screenshot of liner notes for “Bang-Bang”
Todd (VO): "Heller is befriended while on Earth by Bang-Bang, an ex-marine demolitions expert…
Todd: …and a trusted member of the notorious…"
Todd recoils as he notices something in the notes. "Bang-Bang" stops as he takes a closer look, and we see what comes right after "notorious..."
Todd: [beat] The…
Clip from The Godfather
Todd (VO): …CORLEONE CRIME FAMILY!?
Todd: Yes, our hero does in fact…
Montage of clips from The Godfather
Todd (VO): …immediately get involved with a mob war on Earth, one side of which happens to be named, Corleone!
Todd: When you have Scientology money backing you up, can you just plagiarize with impunity? Is that how that works?
Audio for “Bang-Bang” plays over another Edgar Winter Group performance
- Edgar: Just call me Bang-Bang
Bang-Bang, that’s me
Todd (VO): Anyway, this song is just…
Todd: It’s very different from the rest of the album.
- Edgar: Bang-Bang, that’s me
Todd (VO): Where the rest of the album is bad Eighties rock, this is more like bad musical theater. It’s this noir-pastiche, Sam and Max…
Todd: …sounding shit. It’s very cartoony. It doesn’t really fit with any part of the rest of the album.
- Edgar: Cops just have it in for me
Todd (VO): The most amazing thing about it is that Bang-Bang, as near as I can tell, is not a major player in these books.
Todd: Like, this is the only character song, but Bang-Bang is only one [Todd scrolls down an incredibly long list of Mission Earth characters] of dozens upon dozens of side characters across a billion subplots in this interminable series! Why is there a song about the minor sidekick, Bang-Bang, when there isn’t one about [book covers for Fortune of Fear…] the love interest […and The Doomed Planet] or the evil overlord?! Why any of this for that matter? Like, I get how it was recorded; it’s one rich man’s vanity project. But how did this reach shelves?
Todd (VO): Who thought they were gonna make money off of a book tie-in from a long dormant rocker, who was by that point only a cult artist?
Todd: [pause] And by “cult artist,” I of course mean that he had a small, but devoted following. I did not mean cult in any other sense whatsoever. [sighs loudly] Well…
Clip of 1970s Edgar Winter interview
Todd (VO): …to answer that question, we have to rewind all the way back. Back to the day that Edgar first came in contact with that peculiar L.A. institution of kooks and weirdos. That institution of course being [image of print ad for…] Rhino Records.
Rhino Comes Charging[]
Clip of a Rhino catalog promo
- Rhino Records Executive: Oh Rhino, let me sing.
Todd (VO): Rhino Records was an eccentric novelty label that eventually developed a really good reputation for taking in [brief clips of performances from The Monkees…] forgotten or [and The Village People – “Y.M.C.A.”] disrespected artists and putting some shine back on their names.
Footage of news interview with Rhino Records co-founder Harold Bronson
Todd (VO): They did this mostly with compilations, reissues, greatest hits CDs. They did not do great with original music, but they were the kind of out-of-the-box thinkers that could market an oddball album like this.
Todd: They were skeptical when Hubbard’s people reached out, and… they only agreed to the meeting out of respect for Edgar Winter, but…
Todd (VO): …they listened to his weird little Scientology album, and they were like…
Todd: “Wow. This is actually really bad!”
Todd (VO): Their only comments were that they were not impressed, but so what if the album’s crap?
Todd: You know what else is crap? [clip of commercial for…] Dianetics… according to various critics who aren’t me. I haven’t read it, don’t sue me.
Todd (VO): The point is that crap or not, Dianetics has sold six jillion copies.
Todd: And even in death, Hubbard had a lot of pull.
Screenshot of article: “Five Books Vie for the Hugo Award”
Todd (VO): The year after he passed, his followers stuffed the ballot box to get [Todd circles in red…] the second Mission Earth novel a Hugo nomination… which was, you know, a pretty controversial thing at the time.
Todd: Fortunately, nothing like that has ever happened at the Hugos ever again.
Todd (VO): So Rhino figured that this album could at least be very lucrative crap. You get even 10% of that Dianetics audience, you’re rolling in money.
Todd: And L. Ron’s fans would definitely want to hear this next song, right?
"Teach Me"[]
Todd (VO): [image of Mission Earth CD with track list] See, I suspect that not all the lyrics on this album were L. Ron’s. [Todd zooms in on “Teach Me”] But we know this next one definitely was, ‘cause the words are directly from the book. [image of Jettero Heller standing next to...] See, the hero’s sister, Heidi Heller… [text appears: “Hightee Heller”] Hightee? Highdee, Heidi? Anyway, she’s an entertainer of some kind. She gets on stage, and she sings a song. Soltan Gris describes it like this.
- Soltan: For the first full melody, she played and did not sing. And it was sexy! Her body swayed and curved, her left hand seemed to be indicating something else than chords. Her right hand writhed to the beat. It was SEXY!
Todd: [deadpan] It was sexy.
- Soltan: She started the melody again and this time, she sang. Her voice was a throaty, sexy lure. But it had comedy in it.
- Hightee (Maggie Mae Fish): There once was a man when I was young.
Who said he knew a foreign tongue,
He’d teach me!
It’d need, he claimed, a very soft bed,
A place where he could lay my head,
To teach me!
And so we got down to the song,
He kept it up so very long,
He taught me!
Todd: You get the idea. Let’s see Edgar bring these “amazing” lyrics to life.
- Edgar: There was a man when she was young
He said he knew a foreign tongue
She said, “Teach me right now”
“Show me how to reach the top”
Todd: [pause] I can’t believe I’m complaining about this, but… I feel like this is not accurate to Hubbard’s vision.
Edgar: And so they got down to the song
He kept it up so very long
Todd (VO): Okay, the book is clearly describing some kind of torch song or racy burlesque number.
Todd: Not that I wanted Edgar Winter to do a striptease number, but that’s clearly what the song is.
Todd (VO): These lyrics don’t go with this overproduced power ballady slab of Eighties butt rock.
- Edgar: And I invite you if you yearn
Just say, “Teach me right now”
Todd (VO): You know, for all the praise Edgar had for L. Ron Hubbard, I suspect there was a bit of creative difference between them.
Todd: There’s a bit in the L. Ron Music Maker book where they transcribe some of his notes.
Screenshot of zoomed-in paragraphs of L. Ron’s directions
Todd (VO): [in a gruff voice] “Now you will note that this melody has a very dirty bass horn. And this is a fairly dirty bass horn. Now don’t get a melodious bass horn, you want a dirty bass horn. Here is a rhythm, a drum rhythm or a bass rhythm, that can go with it. if you will notice here, there are two sets of drums in use and one is higher than the other. Well, the higher drum is the echo drum and it [just] goes along like this through the piece.”
Todd: [normal] This sounds like rambling nonsense to me. And I am certain Edgar threw most of these notes out. [image of Edgar Winter next to interview excerpt] ‘Cause in one interview I found, he let slip how glad he was L. Ron wasn’t in the studio to micro-manage him. And in fact, Edgar seems ambivalent in one other major way.
Is Edgar Still a Scientologist?[]
Todd (VO): [book cover for The Rhino Records Story: Revenge of the Music Nerds…] According to the Rhino Records guy, […and quote underlined in red…] Edgar said that he wasn’t a Scientologist anymore. Which is interesting, ‘cause [screen capture of Edgar Winter’s testimonial on…] Scientology still claims him on their websites. What’s going on there? We may never know.
Shot of Edgar Winter blog entry on “The Underground Bunker”
Todd (VO): According to one exposé site I read, he is still in the church, but mostly for his wife’s sake and his involvement these days is pretty minimal.
Todd: But I can’t confirm that obviously. I found interviews from ’89 where he said he wasn’t. Another one said he was.
Clip of Edgar Winter interview
Todd (VO): Very strange attitude from a man who was actively collaborating with the church’s founder. In a more recent interview, he said he still does go to the church occasionally.
Todd: You know, for Christmas and Easter, or whatever their equivalent is.
Todd (VO): And then he said religion is a private matter, so…
Todd: … [shrugs] I don’t know. It’s all very suggestive of something, but we will probably never know what.
Let's Save the Planet![]
Video for “Cry Out” starts
Todd (VO): Anyway, we gotta keep moving. Now, this may surprise you, but the Mission Earth books have a prominent environmental message. [book cover for Disaster] Jettero Heller’s mission is to save Earth from…
Todd: …and this is true… global warming.
Todd (VO): L. Ron doesn’t seem to have a great understanding of it. He thinks global warming is causing the [image of globe showing the North Pole] magnetic poles to drift, which… n—not how that works. But it’s an attempt.
Todd: So, next we have the pro-Earth message song, “Cry Out (Marching Song of the Protesters).” That’s a nice, strong theme that basically you don’t need the books for. So naturally, it was the single.
- Edgar: Once it was
A very nice planet
Todd (VO): And let it be known that Edgar took this very seriously. He said the environmental message was something he really liked about the books.
Todd: Quite honestly, I don’t think Edgar actually read these books.
Todd (VO): First off, there’s no marching song or protesters.
Todd: Like yes, the hero is trying to stop climate change, but the book mostly focuses on drugs, the government, the media, and especially [image of people protesting…] psychiatry. What do I think of the song?
- Edgar: Don’t pollute the air with toxic waste
We got to cry out
Protest, protect the Earth
Day in, day out despite the severance
It’s time to save the world
Todd (VO): Look, it’s one of the catchier songs on the album, but I am sorry. It’s just so dated. Like, even for 1989, it’s dated. [screen capture of Mission Earth in AllMusic search] And if it was indeed actually made three years earlier…
Todd: …it’d still be three years behind the times.
- Edgar: Let’s stop the worst
With a deadly burst
Todd: [singing to the tune of “Maneater” again] “Oh, here she comes. Watch out, boy.”
Todd (VO): Like, if you were a kid in the late ‘80s or ‘90s, you probably heard dozens of environmental message songs.
Clip of “Earth Day Rap 1990 – Workin’ Together”
Will Smith: Let’s all take a pause for the cause here on Earth Day
Workin’ together
Todd: And most of them all kinda sounded like “Cry Out.”
Todd (VO): You can just imagine it playing in the background of some cleaning up montage scene in a bad ‘80s comedy. [“Cry Out” plays over brief clips from Revenge of the Nerds and Sister Act] But Edgar had big plans for this. Like, the—the back cover is just laughably pretentious.
Todd: “While Heller’s mission is fiction, “Cry Out” is not.
Screenshot of liner notes for “Cry Out”
Todd (VO): “It dramatically captures the protest and the emotions of those who are working and seeking to arrest the destruction of planet Earth by pollution and radiation. It is a rallying song for all who care.”
Todd: Like, they were partnered with a UN agency, [image of Mission Earth promotional materials for “Cry Out”] they were gonna donate all the profits to charity. [pause] And Jesus Christ! What the hell is in [Todd dramatically zooms in on…] the background of this picture? “Cry Out” Day?!
Video for “Cry Out”
Todd (VO): I can see why this is the single because it’s the most normal song on here, but…
Todd: …is normal really what you want to sell a sci-fi record on?
Todd (VO): Well actually, this is not the only video made for this album.
Todd: Apparently, the Rhino guys had even bigger plans to make the first [image of guy wearing 3D glasses] 3D music video.
Clip of…
Todd (VO): They saw Elvira, Mistress of the Dark do something like that once. So they hired the same guys, and they spent a lot of money on it. And I wish I could show you what it would’ve looked like, but no one will ever know because someone screwed up something and the footage was unusable.
Todd: So… let’s say the promotion for this record in general was not great. [pretends to sound hyped] Significant action!
Video for “Cry Out”
Todd (VO): So the whole environmental angle seems like a belated attempt to rescue the album when the sci-fi angle failed. And obviously that didn’t work either. I doubt they got enough money to save a single tree.
"Just a Kid"[]
Audio for “Just a Kid” plays over another live performance
Todd (VO): Track six, “Just a Kid.” This one is about the hero of the novel, Jettero Heller.
Todd: Six out of eight songs, and we finally got to the hero.
Still shots from Mission Earth
Todd (VO): Now, Jettero is technically an alien, but all the aliens are just humans in these books, so it doesn’t really matter… except that his people age differently, so he’s an adult man but to Earthlings, he looks like a teenager.
Todd: Hence this whole song about how people think he’s just a kid.
- Edgar: Hey, kid
What you know
Hey, kid
How’s it go
Just a kid
Just a kid
Todd (VO): This seems to me like a stupid thing to make a song about. This is the wackiest song on the album. I just found it kind of annoying.
Todd: This sounds straight up like the theme song for a D-list ‘80s cartoon that no one liked.
- Edgar: He came here to salvage Earth
From pollution and nuclear fission
Todd (VO): I think this doesn’t really work because of all the songs on here, this is the one that most requires you to be invested in the story of Jettero Heller.
The Truth About the Books[]
Todd (VO): And that just describes nobody! Nobody cares about these books!
Todd: “Now, hold on,” I hear you saying. “You said these things were bestsellers, right? [image of Mission Earth collection set] Wasn’t L. Ron decently popular even outside of his creepy church?” Okay, well…we’ll give the man his due here. [images of…] As a younger writer, L. Ron was […and book cover for Fear] pretty popular. [Todd zooms in on a positive review from Stephen King] And some of his old stuff is still pretty well regarded. Even Battlefield Earth has its defenders.
Clip of Mitt Romney interview on Fox News’ “Road Trip with Martha”
- Mitt: I’m—I’m not a fan of his religion by any means, but he wrote a book called, Battlefield Earth, that was a very fun science fiction book.
Todd (VO): But, uh…
Todd: [holds up paperback copy of The Invaders Plan] You will be very hard-pressed to find fans of Mission Earth because this shit is un-readable.
Still shots of illustrations from the Mission Earth series
Todd (VO): Let us be clear that these books are unanimously considered some of the worst books ever written in science fiction history. A person who made it to the end of this series is a masochist. The characters are one-note simple, but the plot is mind-meltingly complicated. They are seven eternities long, filled with a bunch of meaningless shit that doesn’t further the plot or go anywhere.
Todd: It’s a [air quote] “satire”, so…
Todd (VO): …every character is a hysterical moron. It goes off on unhinged conspiracy rants about psychology and homosexuals and the media.
Todd: And boy! Let’s not forget all the rape! There’s a loooot of rape.
Todd (VO): As for being bestsellers, were they?
Todd: Have you ever heard anyone ever mention these books?
Todd (VO): Well, surprise surprise. Ex-members of Hubbard’s inner circle have said how those books hit the New York Times list, and it wasn’t great marketing or word of mouth!
Clip of interview with Forrest J. Ackerman (Literary agent for L. Ron Hubbard)
- Forrest: All of the followers of Hubbard and Scientology and so on were… were asked to go out to stores and—and buy as many copies as they could afford. And that automatically revved up the—the sales figures.
Todd: So, no! I don’t think there was an actual fanbase to draw on. And even if there was, [image of science fiction and fantasy section at a bookstore] these are still very niche books! How many albums would you sell if all the songs were based off of [images of book covers for…] TekWar?! Do you even know what that is? Most of you do not! Or, if there was a record all about […and…] Dragonriders of Pern. The music would have to be amazing to get me into a Dragonriders of Pern album because I don’t know shit about Dragonriders of Pern. [image of crowded record store] Most record buyers wouldn’t either. They’d be completely lost. And Dragonriders of Pern is…
Still image of Dragonriders of Pern book collection
Todd (VO): …huge! It’s one of the biggest fantasy series of all time!
Todd: It’s way bigger than goddamn [image of discount ad poster for…] Mission Earth! Who is this for?!
"The Spacer's Lot"[]
Audio for “The Spacer’s Lot” plays over image of deep space
Todd (VO): [sighs] Track seven, “The Spacer’s Lot”, which is also a song…
Todd: …directly from the first book. [images of…] Soltan Gris goes to consult a doctor on a spaceship, and he hears a song being sung by the ship’s crew. Or [air quote] “spacers”, as the book calls them.
- Soltan: Spacers, I have always maintained, are not normal people. And the spacers of the Apparatus are insane. Far from getting the ship ready, some of the crew were sitting up somewhere, indulging themselves in a singing weep.
- Edgar: Two planets of the dead
And the stars that have no light - Soltan: They were beginning a song called, “The Spacer’s Lot.” It is a dirge! Why do they always sing dirges before they start a voyage? Hangovers?! It didn’t make me feel a bit better to be climbing to the sad, sad melancholy of that tune. I tried to hurry my ascent. The awful dirge was depressing me.
- Edgar: Hold safe to stable gravity
For we of space live death - Soltan: I almost fell again. The echoing walls made the song more deep and awful. Maybe if I got there quick, they would shut up. I was feeling bad enough already!
Todd: [beat] Jeez, I didn’t think it was that bad.
Todd (VO): The main problem is that L. Ron’s lyrics are all [screenshots appear over the deep space image…] these really basic poems. Being able to see the lyrics on the page really lets us see how total amateur hour they are. All the verses have the same basic Dr. Seuss rhyme scheme, you know…
Todd: Bah-dah-dah-dah, bah-dah-dah-boo. La-da-da-da, da-da-da-doo.
Todd (VO): Like, you can tell where Edgar has had to rewrite and rearrange things so that the songs have any kind of structure. Or in this case, he just steals the melody from “House of the Rising Sun”. Perhaps the spacers should’ve bothered to write a hook between all the moaning and weeping.
Joy Indeed[]
Todd: We get to the final song, “Joy City,” which is about one of the locations in the novels.
- Edgar: On the planet of a distant sun
There lies a city of joy and fun
Todd (VO): Some kind of touristy theme park city.
Todd: In fact, it’s literally describing the books as basically [image of…] just Atlantic City, but larger. L. Ron was not a particularly inventive world-builder. [book covers for Disaster…] The aliens are just humans, their cities are just Earth cities. And again, this place…is not a major part of the novels. It’s a […and Villainy Victorious] very minor location in the ninth book. Cramming a ten-book series into one album would be impossible already, but I’m just… baffled at the elements they went with! [image of…] If this record were about Lord of the Rings, one song would be about Tom Bombadil; two songs would be Tom Bombadil songs set to music; one song would be about the Prancing Pony; and then there’d just be two [image of backpacker…] unrelated songs about hiking. But here it is, “Joy City.” It’s fun. It’s a fun place!
Audio for “Joy City” plays over footage of people at amusement park
- Edgar: Oh, Joy City
Oh, Joy City
More thrills, oh my
Joy City, do this everyday
Todd: [pause] Okay. Full disclosure.
Todd (VO): This was the first song I found when I started researching this album. And, uh…
Todd: …afterwards, I immediately listened to it another fifteen or twenty times, ‘cause I think this is actually amazingly good.
Edgar: Oh Joy City, do this everyday
Todd (VO): I—I’m not even kidding. I—I love this song.
Todd: I mean, granted, the lyrics are still terrible.
- Edgar: What fun
Oh my
Todd (VO): And it’s impressive how thinly sketched out Joy City actually is. Like…
Todd: It’s a theme park. It’s—it’s just a theme park.
Todd (VO): There are no, like, futuristic alien thrills and delights here. Like, they…
Todd: …they play ping-pong. And they clog.
- Edgar: Come along and dance
Todd: But Edgar has apparently just put every hook he could think of into this one song, and it is just absolutely glorious.
- Edgar: Joy City, do this everyday
Joy, joy, joy
Todd (VO): This is the silly pop song I wanted. Like…
Todd: I want this. I want so badly to go to the alien fun park city this is advertising.
- Edgar: Come along and play (Everyday)
Todd dances along in his seat
Todd: Oh, God. [clip of Scientologist followers praying] Am I a Scientologist now? [shrugs] I think I am. [back at the Way to Happiness building, Todd tugs at the door, channeling Eric Andre] Let me in! LET ME IN!! [cut back to Todd at the piano] Okay! Well, one good song does not salvage the album though.
Outro[]
Audio for “Mission Earth” plays over live performance
Todd (VO): As individual songs, only a couple of them are passable. And as a full album, it’s a conceptual disaster. It never justifies its high concept, it does not hang together at all. Edgar is quoted as saying that, [screenshot of highlighted quote…] “it’s both a return to rock’s primal roots and yet highly experimental.” I guess when you try to be both primitive and experimental, they cancel each other out and you make a cheesy corporate rock album. Unfortunately, it ends up in a weird dead zone where it’s too weird to sell, but too generic to be interesting.
Todd: Unsurprisingly, the album tanked.
Todd (VO): Rhino couldn’t get radio to touch it. Most people barely gave it a glance, and those that did were not impressed at all. The final sales tally was about 15,000 copies—well short of expectations. Obviously, those expectations were based on Hubbard’s captive audience, but if Rhino expected the church to put his thumb on the scale for them, it didn’t.
Todd: With Hubbard already dead for three years, I guess they decided they didn’t need to impress him anymore.
Todd (VO): Obviously, Edgar’s big comeback didn’t happen. Before it came out, Edgar was talking about doing a big, elaborate tour with costumes and turning it into a Broadway show.
Todd: Mission Earth: The Musical. Can you imagine it? You'd only have to write about twenty more songs.
Todd (VO): Obviously, that didn’t happen either. I don’t know why he chose to try and sell this record. Perhaps he didn’t have a choice, but also he clearly put a lot of effort into it and maybe he just didn’t want it to go to waste. [Video for “Cry Out”] Since then, Edgar has continued soldiering on just like he always has, and he hasn’t disowned Mission Earth either. Interviewers ask him about it now, and he’ll discuss it without any apparent shame or embarrassment. You can and probably should criticize him for working with L. Ron and promoting his terrible, hateful books.
Todd: But I can see why artistically he’d still be proud of this.
Todd (VO): He was given some pretty rancid ingredients, and he still made a halfway recognizable meal out of it. Isn’t that something to be proud of?
Todd: [pause] No. No, it’s not. Don’t make Scientology records.
- Edgar: It's time to save the Earth
Cry out
Ending music: Todd plays "Joy City” on piano
THE END
"Mission Earth" is owned by Rhino Records
This video is owned by me
THANK YOU TO:
Lewis Lovhaug – Voice of Soltan Gris
Maggie Mae Fish – Voice of Hightee Heller
Krin – Scientology sued me title card artist
Jacob Chapman – Guerrilla cameraman, might now be on a list
THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!!