Mission: Impossible 2
July 24, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence are shown. Open on NC sitting on the couch and looking offscreen. Laughter is heard in the background, much to his annoyance)
NC: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Apologies, we're looking over pictures with Tom Cruise's career. (Audience gasps) Not Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise's career.
Cruise: And this is when I jumped out of one building to another!
Tamara and Malcolm: Wow!
(Cruise turns the page as NC puts his head in his hand listlessly)
Cruise: Oh, this is when I jumped out of a plane by myself!
Tamara and Malcolm: Wow!
Cruise: (laughing) Yeaheheheheh!
NC: Whatever you think of Tom Cruise, you have to admit, his career is doing pretty damn good.
(Cut to footage of Tom Cruise on an episode of The Graham Norton Show)
NC (vo): Granted, there's a slip up here and there, (A poster of The Mummy is displayed as he says this) but Cruise has proven he can be charming, funny, dramatic, and surprisingly kind of a badass.
(Footage of Cruise's first Mission: Impossible movie is shown)
NC (vo): One of the reasons to see his films now is that he's doing several dangerous stunts, driving badass machines, and usually hanging off of something. (A poster of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is shown) The guy is like a male Lara Croft, even down to hating Jon Voight.
NC: And that shit is impressive! Really, it is! I can't do that stuff. (sighs) But there's just something about him...
Cruise: (to Tamara and Malcolm) Hey, you wanna see an interview where someone calls me incredible?
Malcolm: Aren't there a ton?
Cruise: (laughing) Yes, there are! (nudges Malcolm while laughing)
Tamara: (pointing at a picture in the album) Hey, what's that a picture of?
(Cut to a closeup of the album, revealing what she's pointing at: a shot of Cruise as Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder)
Cruise: (somewhat embarrassed) Oh, it's Tropic Thunder. I really needed that after, uh... (voice trails off)
Tamara: After what?
(Cruise hems and haws for a few seconds before brightening up again)
Cruise: Nothing, (quickly turns the pages) let's just keep turning the pages this way! (laughs) Yeah...
NC: (squints) Wait a minute. What are you hiding?
Cruise: Nothing. I...Nothing.
NC: I think someone's career went through an awkward phase.
Cruise: No! Tropic Thunder didn't get me out of any trouble that my ego got me into in the first place, okay?! (chuckles nervously)
Tamara: (points at another picture of Cruise jumping on the couch on The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2005) Is that you jumping on Oprah's couch while...wrestling her?
Malcolm: (points out two screenshots showing Cruise as Nathan Algren in The Last Samurai) Is that you as a samurai teaching the Japanese the importance of their own culture?
Cruise: (gets more annoyed) No!
Tamara: (points out another shot of Cruise on NBC's Today show) Is that you saying "Psychiatry is a pseudoscience"?
Cruise: How did you get that from a picture?!
Tamara: It just...it has that look.
NC: I knew it. Your ego's more under control now, but there was a time where it was totally insane.
Cruise: I was young. It's hard being constantly 35.
Malcolm: And...what's this a picture of? (A photo of Cruise riding a motorcycle, wearing...what else?...sunglasses, is shown)
Cruise: It's a phase. It's nothing.
Malcolm: Is that a leather jacket and shades?
Tamara: That's like what a fifth-grader thinks is cool.
NC: (shakes head, grinning) Oh, I think I know what it is.
Cruise: Oh, no, you don't.
NC: Oh, yes, I do.
Cruise: (through clenched teeth) Oh, no, you don't!
NC: Oh, yes, I do!
Cruise: Oh, no, you DON'T!
NC: No. Really, I do.
Cruise: Okay. (gets back to album)
NC: (to the camera) That's Cruise's career at the height of his ego, Mission: Impossible 2.
Cruise: (closes the album and laughs) Eheheheheheh! Yes, right! Eheheheheheheh!
(The title of the film is shown, before going to the clips of five other Mission: Impossible movies)
NC (vo): The Mission: Impossible movies nowadays have gotten a reputation of being...you know, good. They have good action, good writing, good acting, and ways to make awkward superhero movies even more awkward. (Henry Cavill as August Walker in the sixth movie, Fallout, is shown with the shot of Superman and his CGI upper lip in 2017's Justice League) But people forget there was a time when they weren't seen as that. The first film not only confused people, but it pissed off a lot of fans of the show with a lame portrayal of one of their lead characters. The third one underutilized one of Hollywood's great actors (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and turned into a snorefest with obvious plot twists.
(Now, we cut to the clips of the second movie, released in 2000)
NC (vo): But, by far, the most hilariously bad was Mission: Impossible 2. This film was directed by John Woo, a filmmaker who really wants you to know that a film was directed by John Woo. The days of a secret team sneaking in together with nail-biting suspense were gone and instead replaced with Tom Cruise doing 90% of the work, while everyone else either types on a keyboard or bangs him. Thank God you got the short straw, Ving Rhames! This was so much about making Tom Cruise look good, as opposed to making a good movie, that it became downright laughable.
NC: (sits behind his desk) So, sit back and see how over-the-top it can get. This is Terminator. (A poster of this movie is shown with an aforementioned scene of Ethan Hunt on a motorcycle)
NC: (the poster is changed to one for...) Kung Fu.
NC: (poster for Skyfall) James Bond.
Cruise: (shakes fist) NO!!
(The poster for the 1966 show appears. NC looks at this and the scene of Ethan on a bike)
NC: (sighs) Mission: Impossible.
Cruise: Come on, look at it. It's just like the show! (laughs, then starts sobbing) Oh, God!...
(The first scene shows Dr. Vladimir Nekhorvich, played by Radé Sherbedgia, walking through an airport and looking at his phone)
NC (vo): We open with a scientist giving the most logical of speeches, resulting in the most radical of conclusions.
(We cut directly to the doctor doing some experiments in a lab while holding an injection device)
Dr. Nehkorvich (vo): Every search for a hero must begin with something that every hero requires: a villain. Therefore, we created a monster.
NC: What kind of dumbass scientist talks like this? (A picture of a stereotypical nerd with giant front teeth is shown) Which major, in Comic Book Hipster Philosophy?
NC (vo): But these first few seconds aren't nearly John Woo enough. Woo up that shit!
(Nekhorvich looks troubled while the scene fades out and a scene of kids cheering and running in circles is fading in. This scene becomes grey and blurred, while it changes back between the doctor and this scene)
NC: Wow. You're quite the art house director, Woo. Now...
(Cut to Nekhorvich and Sean Ambrose (played by Dougray Scott) who is disguised as Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) sitting in the same row inside the plane)
NC (vo): ...let's immediately cut to a scene with Tom Cruise looking like (A shot of Billy Mitchell's character in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters is shown) that King of Kong asshole.
NC: (waving his hands in front of his face) Totally syncs up!
Sean: (wearing an Ethan mask) You keep staring at that watch as if your life depended on it, doctor.
NC (vo): Okay, right off the bat, we know that this isn't the real Tom Cruise, because he is wearing a turtleneck. And in spy films, villains always wear the turtleneck! (A picture of a clothing aisle is shown) There's an aisle for them in Target.
(Sean hits Nekhorvich with a hand edge hit on his throat, killing him instantly. Then he takes Nekhorvich's briefcase, takes off his pretty CG-looking mask of Ethan, revealing his true identity, and takes a deep breath)
NC: Oh, and here I thought the twist was that...
(Two screenshots of Artemus Gordon in his disguise as the President in Wild Wild West are shown next to Nekhrovich)
NC (vo): ...he (Nekhorvich) was gonna be Kevin Kline in the only disguise he thinks there is.
(Sean and his subordinates leave the plane through an exit in the floor, before the plane blows up. Cut to the Grand Canyon where Ethan Hunt himself makes a climbing tour)
NC (vo): They take the scientist's samples and blow up the plane, leading to a perfect representation of Tom Cruise climbing his own sense of self-worth.
(Ethan hangs on the edge of a cliff and climbs on it sideways, still hanging from it. We cut to a scene from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier with Spock floating via levitation boots)
Spock: Greetings, Captain. I do not think you realize the gravity of your situation.
(More scenes of Ethan climbing, jumping and hanging on the Grand Canyon are shown)
NC (vo): Okay, so...it's cool that he is doing that stunt, but unlike the other films where it ties into the story and gets you more into it, what does this scene have to do with anything, aside from Tom Cruise's erection size?
NC: No, seriously. There is a...
(A scene of Ethan leaning in a niche in the Grand Canyon is shown again with an arrow pointing in the direction of his crotch)
NC (vo): ...bug right there on that mountain saying...
Animated Bug (voiced by Doug): Boy, talk about being between a rock and a hard place. (Zoom in to the bug's face, as his face switches from surprised to serious) Because Tom Cruise has a very big penis.
(After a beat, a shot of Frank T.J. Mackey (Cruise) in Magnolia is shown with the text "Paid by the 'That was Totally Tom Cruise's Junk in Magnolia and Not a Dead Weasel' Foundation. So...basically Tom Cruise")
NC: What's up with the...
(Cut to some snippets of the opening credits, which are shown during Ethan's climbing)
NC (vo): ...credits, by the way? Sometimes, they're capitalized, sometimes, they're lower-cased, sometimes, they're half and half. Oh, maybe it's code. That's how you know we're in a spy film, guys! I don't trust a movie less professional than the writing on a kindergarten lemonade stand.
(A helicopter flies towards Ethan's position. A sniper points at him and throws a pair of sunglasses, which Ethan puts on to receive his mission message)
NC (vo): But a helicopter comes around, stupidly points him out... (as the sniper) No, I was pointing at the other Tom Cruise in this barren desert, you dumbass. (normal) ...and gives him his mission on sunglasses, because Tom Cruise thinks he looks cool wearing sunglasses.
Mission Commander Swanbeck (Anthony Hopkins): (via audio recording) Your mission, should you choose to accept it, (The sunglasses give Ethan the visual information of "Mission: Chimnera" with Wolf priority) involves recovery of the stolen item, designated "Chimera".
NC: (hand on cheek) God, don't you wish his mission was told to him in a pair of sparkling girl glasses?
(A pair of heart-shaped pink glasses is shown in the corner)
NC (vo): Then it'd be like... (as Ethan) I don't want to wear 'em! (as Swanbeck) You have to wear them if you want the mission. (as Ethan) D'ohh, I'm still manly! (as Swanbeck) Of course you are.
(After the message ends, Ethan removes his glasses and throws them directly into the camera, where they fall apart and self-destruct with a spark effect)
NC: (smiles) Whoo! They're Samsung glasses.
(Cut to Seville, Spain, where we are shown a party with Nyah Nordoff-Hall (Thandie Newton) and Ethan attending it, and they exchange their first eye contact)
NC (vo; speaking in a romantic tone): We poetically transition to Spain, where the beautiful dancers spin in slow-motion, revealing the majestic nature and artistic elegance that only a Spanish dancer would be able to-
NC: This is Mission: Impossible, right?
(Nyah swings over the edge of a bath tub, opens the hidden safe on one of the sides and gets surprised by Ethan appearing right behind her)
NC (vo): We see Catherine Zoe Saldana Jones stealing a hidden treasure, when Tom Cruise sneaks in.
Nyah: What are you doing here?
Ethan: You think you're the only one who can pick a lock?
Nyah: Not just a pretty face, after all.
NC: (as Nyah) No, no, far less.
NC (vo): Somebody walks in there, which means...oh, no, we have to hide in this hot tub together!
(The way the two are hiding in the hot tub is very sexually suggestive)
Nyah: Do you mind if I'm on top?
NC: (as Ethan) Physically, no. (The title of the movie poster, which has Cruise's name over the title, is shown) Namewise? Hell, yeah!
Nyah: (now sitting on top of Ethan, trying to open the safe) This is very disconcerting.
(The camera looks now from Nyah's perspective, so we can see Ethan's face and the uncovered parts of her breasts)
Ethan: Hey, you put me there. I just do as I'm told.
NC (vo; as Nyah): The fact that you produced this movie really indicates the exact opposite. (Tom Cruise's producing credit is shown)
(An alarm sounds, causing the hotel's owner and several guards to appear and confront Ethan and Nyah)
NC (vo): The owner comes in, though, and Cruise has to talk his way out of it.
Owner: (to the guards) It is Mr. Keese, our security engineer.
Ethan: Under the circumstances, I think we'd recommend resetting the sensors to respond to a lighter load.
NC: (as Ethan) And get a slightly less silly jacket. Might I recommend...
NC (vo; as Ethan): ...the horny Willy Wonka suit I'm currently being aroused in?
(Ethan and Nyah manage to leave the hotel without any trouble)
Ethan: I wanna see how good you were. I was hoping we might work together.
NC (vo): He asks her to join his team, but she refuses. (The next day, Nyah is riding her car until Ethan appears in his own car) So they rip off the car chase from GoldenEye because...you know, James Bond is a cool spy who gets a lot of pussy, and Mission: Impossible has Spock in it. (A credit in the original show, saying "Leonard Nimoy as Paris", is shown) Which one do you think Cruise is gonna go for?
(Ethan drives next to Nyah)
Ethan: Pull over and listen to me, will you? Just listen.
NC: (as Ethan while mimicking driving a car) Dianetics is a good book, damn it!
(During their chase, Nyah's car hits another car, causing her to spin around as Ethan looks at her, which is shown in slow-motion with a haunting female choral heard in the background)
NC: Okay, why is every shot in this a cologne commercial?
(The scene is shown with the caption "Cruise Control" and an image of a perfume bottle)
Announcer: Cruise Control. When you want to smell like you're trying too hard.
(The animated bug appears again)
Animated Bug: He has a very big penis.
(Ethan saves Nyah from going off a cliff)
NC (vo): They almost go off a cliff because...romantic?...and she agrees to accept his mission. (We cut to Ethan and Nyah lying in a bed) I didn't mean it that way, but here we are.
Ethan: Damn, you're beautiful.
NC: Aww. Was there a mirror next to her?
(They look at each other some more before going back to kissing, while romantic Spanish music plays in the background)
NC: (waving his hands) Mission: Impossible. We do spy stuff eventually!
NC (vo): Ho-ho, if only we could keep all these women from Tom Cruise's producing credit...I mean, just Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise himself. He is...very secure.
(The bug appears again in the lower right corner)
Animated Bug: Very big penis.
(Cut to a room, where Ethan is talking with Commander Swanbeck, played by Anthony Hopkins)
NC (vo): Oh, thank God, here's someone to add some credibility.
Swanbeck: (in an American accent) Festival's a pain in the ass. Damn near set me on fire on my way over here.
NC: (leans back in confusion) Oh, oh, oh, y-y-you're American now?
Swanbeck: Sorry I barged in on your vacation. / You have any idea what the hell he's talking about? / You listening to me?
NC: (mimicking his accent) Oh, oh, yeah. Got it, average American Joe. Why don't you just sit over there next to...
(Cut to a book shelf with (from right to left) Benedict Cumberbatch's Doctor Strange from the 2016 movie, a Chris O'Dowd character, and Hugh Laurie's Doctor House)
NC (vo): ...Doctor Strange, House and every Chris O'Dowd performance?
NC: We were just going to talk about jazz and cowboys.
(Ethan sees a presentation about the current situation)
NC (vo): He is told about the scientist being dead and that his double, Sean, was sent to him because Cruise was on vacation. Of course, they explain Sean went rouge, because it can't be a Mission: Impossible movie without an agent going rouge...
NC: I mean, we could, (shakes his hand in front of him while moving the to the sides) but...then it'd be like an episode of the show... (A crossed-out poster for the show appears with a buzz sound, while NC makes a defensive hand gesture and smiles) Eh, yeah.
NC (vo): ...and Cruise has to use his now-current girlfriend to infiltrate him, as she was once Sean's ex-girlfriend.
Ethan: (to Swanbeck) I don't think I can get her to do it.
Swanbeck: You mean it would be difficult?
Swanbeck: Well, this is not "Mission: Difficult", Mr. Hunt, it's "Mission: Impossible".
NC: (fakes being surprised) Oh, I... (slaps the table) Of course, of course, now it makes sense! You know, the whole time I was watching this movie, saying, "Why is it called Mission: Impossible?", like, it was confusing me, I couldn't follow it, but now, you clarified it. Thank you very much. (takes a breath, before rolling his finger in a circle) Not sure how that...
(The movie posters for the other Mission: Impossible movies scroll from left to right)
NC (vo): ...carries over into the other movies, like, the explanation doesn't really match to those. Were there other...thieves you had to convince to join your team and that's how you got that title?
NC: (waving his hands in front of the camera) But I now know it started here! (poster of this movie is edited in) Even though it actually started (poster of Mission: Impossible appears left from the first poster) here, and even before then, it started (poster of the show appears right from the first poster) here, but you clarified the title, so there's no confusion. (Posters are replaced with those of the original 1978 Halloween, the 2007 Rob Zombie remake, and 2018 version of Halloween) Anyone want to see Halloween?!
(We cut to a burning statue of angels)
NC (vo): So things are getting heavy...I guess, because they're really amping up the visual dramaticness.
(We see Ethan wandering in the crowd in front of the burning statue and silhouettes of a church, while a heavy choir music is playing in the background. After a while, we cut to the famous "You keep using that word" scene from The Princess Bride with John Woo's name being placed over Wallace Shawn's character Vizzini)
NC (vo; as Inigo Montoya): You use slow motion, choir music and things waving in the wind a lot. I do not think it means what you think it means.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): Let's see this two (Nyah and Ethan) talk like they have been in a relationship for years, even though they just had (The scenes of their past interactions are shown simultaneously with the said interaction) a one-night-stand, brought on by trying to kill each other in cars and hot tub thievery.
Nyah: Somewhere in the course of business, this got personal as well as physical.
Ethan: Would it make you feel any better if I didn't want you to do this?
Nyah: Yeah, much.
Ethan: Then feel better!
NC: (shrugs and shakes his head) Well, that was weird.
NC (vo): Let's talk happily about what we were talking angrily about a second ago.
Nyah: You know, Sean wouldn't be anything but suspicious if I pitch up, saying "Hey, honey, I'm home."
Ethan: What wouldn't make him suspicious?
NC: I don't know. Given as a...
(A scene of Ethan wearing a leather jacket and shades while riding a bike away from a burning bridge is shown once again)
NC (vo): ...spy, you suck at blending in.
NC: I imagine not much.
NC (vo): She pretends to be imprisoned, in which Sean breaks her out, and only 35 minutes in do we finally get a spy team! This is like doing an X-Men movie, and for the first half hour, all we get is the kid who changes channels by blinking. (A boy named Jones from X2: X-Men United is shown) A goddamn power I really wish I had right now!
(Two new agents, Billy Baird and Luther Stickell, are leaving a helicopter and Billy greets Ethan)
Billy Baird (John Polson): Anything you need me to get, move or watch, or sleep, now I'm your man. I'll have a look around! Ha-ha!
NC: (laughs) Look around. (looks confused) ...What?
(Luther comes towards Ethan, but then the camera focuses on his feet when he walks into goat manure. Both of them look down at that)
Luther (Ving Rhames): Shit.
Ethan: Yes, it is.
NC: (as Luther) My first big introduction, and you Jar-Jar Binksed me?
NC (vo; as Ethan): Nobody must look cooler than the Cruise. (NC, still as Luther, looks annoyed to the side after that statement)
NC (vo): So Bubbles and Proto Simon Pegg set up, while...wait.
NC: (leans his head on his right hand) Shot in the dark. Slow-mo, dramatic music and things blowing in the wind?
(As predicted, Nyah is walking to Sean in slow-mo, while dramatic music is playing and her scarf and hair are blowing in the wind)
NC: (leaning on his right hand again) You know, I say visual storytelling is good, but you still have to tell a story with your visuals!
(Still in slow-mo, Nyah's scarf is flying away, but Sean manages to catch it)
NC (vo): Wow. You...really thought that was a big deal, didn't you?
NC: (shaking his head and resting his hands on the table) You know, weirdly enough, mundane things are still mundane, even if you run them in slow-mo. (gets slightly agitated) In fact, they're even more mundane 'cause you have even more time to realize how mundane they are!
(Suddenly, slow rock music plays and when NC looks to the side, he sees Malcolm, Tamara and Cruise on the coast, wearing sunglasses. Tamara also wears a scarf, that is moved like it was carried by the wind while she tries to keep it in place. When the scarf gets too far on her shoulder it gets "carried away by the wind" and Cruise "catches" it. Seeing that makes NC leave his desk in annoyance. He goes into the scene and gives Cruise and Tamara a punch in the back, knocking them out. Malcolm, who stays there unharmed, just shrugs at this. Back to the film)
NC (vo): Our spy team watches what's going on from a satellite.
Luther: It's him, Billy.
Billy: Yeah. So we got him.
Ethan: We don't know what we've got. 'Cause we don't know what he's got, where he's got it...
NC: (as Ethan) ...or if it's bigger than mine.
(We are now inside Sean's mansion with one of his henchmen Hugh Stamp (Sean's old friend) and Nyah sleeping in a bed)
NC (vo): But Moriarty here thinks that Sean shouldn't trust her.
Hugh Stamp (Richard Roxburgh): Why do you think she's really here? (Sean breathes out) I mean, she left you six months ago.
Sean: Suggestive. But hardly conclusive. (blows in a finger guillotine)
NC: Would you two just kiss already? You have more sexual tension than (A frame of...) Max and Nev from Catfish. (Cut back to NC) Yes, that is possible!
(Sean takes Stamp's hand and attempts to cut off the tip of his pinky finger)
NC (vo): Don't worry. This won't be the first time we've ripped off Darkman in this.
Sean: I am gagging for it.
(Sean cuts off Stamp's fingertip while he groans in pain)
NC: (throwing his arms up) ...And that's where I walk. If somebody cut off my fingertips, I'd be like, (waves his hand as farewell) "Bye, I'm gonna go join the dickholes that are hunting you down. Sure, the pillow talk was nice, but this is just abuse."
NC (vo): Sean takes Nyah to a horse race where she plans to meet up with Cruise.
(Nyah looks around for Ethan, but like in Spain, he is behind her in the next shot)
Ethan: How'd you do?
NC: (as Nyah, aroused) Oh, there you are. You're like Batman, but only better!
(Ethan observes the plans of the virus)
NC (vo): He sees that the dead scientist has been working on, what else, a deadly gas. You know, we're not short of gases that kill people. Why is this always where mad scientists go?
NC: (as a kitchen sink full with toxic cleaning products is shown) We have a buffet of death in our own kitchen sinks. Go outside the box!
(John C. McCloy, the CEO of a Biocyte company, leaves the building and gets in his cab)
NC (vo): They decide to visit a CEO, who seems to have a connection to Sean, surprisingly, in a non-subtle way.
John C. McCloy (Brendan Gleeson): George. (Tries to open the window, but the switches don't react, as well as George) George?
NC (vo; as McCloy): Well, look at today's paper, that's what I do in this situation.
(The tag line of the paper reads "Leading pharmaceutical CEO dies of rare strain of influenza")
McCloy: What the...? (In panic, he knocks on the window to the front)
NC: (as McCloy) You gave me tomorrow's edition. This will not do!
(A gas is released in the cab of McCloy, while Ethan speaks with Nyah in the corner of a street)
NC (vo): While that's going on, Cruise apparently visits Nyah.
Ethan: It will all be over. Very soon.
NC: (as Nyah) You are not Cruise. He'd never allow himself to dress so average.
(As expected, it is Sean, who is shown removing his Ethan mask again)
NC (vo): Indeed, it turns out it's Sean, who discovers she's a spy, but he has his own plans for her.
(Cut to a snippet of dialogue from before)
Sean: (as Ethan) It is critical that you do whatever Ambrose asks.
NC: (as Sean) You're gonna have to do some weird sex stuff. You know the bunny from Space Jam? He has a suit of her. For the sake of this mission, you're gonna have to be open-minded.
(Meanwhile, Ethan visits McCloy in the hospital, disguised as Nekhrovich)
NC (vo): The real Cruise is questioning the CEO as the dead scientist.
McCloy: (in a hospital bed) You miserable bastard. You stole Bellerophon.
Ethan: (as Nekhrovich) My, my.
McCloy: All of it! I need it now, you terrible Russian gypsy!
NC: (as McCloy) I swear, if I lose an eye before I do one of those Potter films...
McCloy: You are genetically splicing together strains of influenza to create a cure for all influenzas.
NC: So, (crosses his fingers in front of him) here's an interesting thing. When you hear John Woo's Mission: Impossible 2, what's the first thing you think of?
NC (vo): Over-the-top kung fu, motorcycles, shades and leather jackets, right? But we're halfway through the movie, and, surprisingly, little has happened.
NC: I dare even say, it's kind of dull.
NC (vo): If this was Face/Off, we'd be at Cage's (A frame of Nicolas Cage doing a trademarked over-the-top expression from this film is shown) third scene-chewing right now. But this one seems more concerned about having Tom Cruise stand in front of sunsets.
NC: Couldn't that sun just be a giant Nic Cage?
(A scene of Ethan standing in front of the sunset is played again, but this time the sun is Castor Troy's weird aroused face from the priest part of Face/Off, while aroused groaning is heard, done by Doug)
NC: (defensive) It's a John Woo film. Nobody would question it!
(Cut to commercial break. After we come back, we see Ethan and Sean both planning a break inside the company's building in different places)
NC (vo): So they figure out Sean has the cure but not the disease, and they both plan to break into the CEO's building to get it for themselves.
Sean: You'll never break into Biocyte from the bottom where security is heaviest. Hunt will prefer to enter Biocyte somewhere from the top, where security is minimal.
NC: (as Sean) And because he thinks he looks cool, hanging off of wires.
(Ethan breaks into the Biocyte building by jumping into a vent while hanging on a wire connected to Billy's helicopter, landing exactly next to a window where a guard is at)
NC (vo): So he does exactly that, with no backup plan in case this guy saw him.
(Ethan swings away before the guard notices him)
NC: Well, that was lucky.
NC (vo): And he goes to retrieve the virus, while Sean enters from the other entrance.
(Ethan sneaks into a laboratory while wearing a gas mask. The color shown in the entire room turns from red to green as Ethan sneaks in)
NC (vo; as Ethan): I'm exiting raspberry red and entering lime green.
NC: (normal) Seriously, what is with scientists and colored light bulbs?
(Just as Ethan destroys all but one sample of the Chimera virus, Sean and his team confront Ethan, starting a firefight battle)
NC (vo): But Sean and his team interrupt, and Cruise has to fight them off.
(While preparing to fight against Sean's team, Ethan takes out his guns while spinning around randomly, bewildering NC)
NC: What was that? A Tasmanian Devil spin?
(The scene is shown again, with Taz's gibberish noises and spinning sounds added in)
NC (vo): Even Bubbles' (Luther) car gets infiltrated.
(Luther sees through the van's rear-view window that a ticking bomb has been placed under the van. Luther manages to escape before the bomb explodes)
NC (vo): Not sure how a rear-view mirror sees under a car.
NC: Must be one of those high-tech (Speaks dramatically) spy mirrors!
(Back at the laboratory, the firefight has stopped. Sean confronts a hiding Ethan)
Sean: Well, Hunt.
NC: (as Ethan) What did you call me?
Sean: How have you been?
Ethan: Fighting a bit of a cold.
Sean: You know, that was the hardest part of having to portray you. Grinning like an idiot every 15 minutes.
NC (vo): Yeah. Let's NOW create hero and villain chemistry an hour and 20 minutes into the film. (Earlier scenes of Ethan and Sean both walking in slow-motion are briefly shown) But I saw them walk in slow-mo. That's all I needed!
Sean: Come on out of here, you bad girl. (Points his gun at a captive Nyah)
Ethan: She doesn't belong here. Let her go.
NC: (as Sean) Okay. (Acts like he lets Nyah go, before looking at the camera) It was bound to work at some point.
(Luther talks to Ethan through a walkie-talkie)
NC (vo): Give the film some credit for the only intentional laugh in the entire thing.
Luther: Nyah's in the building. Do you copy?
Ethan: (deadpan) Thank you.
Sir Hiss (from Disney's Robin Hood; audio): PJ, you won't believe this, but the stork is really Robin Hood!
(Ambrose orders Nyah to retrieve the sample, but Nyah instead injects herself with it, preventing Ambrose from killing her)
NC (vo): Nyah cleverly sticks herself with the virus, meaning they can't shoot her, helping Cruise escape.
Ethan: (to Nyah) What do you think you were doing?!
Nyah: I wasn't thinking!
NC: (stunned) Screw you, asshole! This was a good plan!
NC (vo): She gets you out, guarantees her safety a while longer. What was your plan? (We are briefly shown the earlier scene of Ethan and Nyah in the bathtub) Flirting with him in a hot tub?
Ethan: We've got 19 hours and 58 minutes!
NC (vo): And all she has to do now is simply escape with him... (Ethan escapes from the laboratory by jumping out of a window, without Nyah) Thanks again, dickcheese! You can hold onto a mountain with your knees, but not a woman half your weight on a parachute! Well, great. Now she's in the hands of that violent villain, who... (We cut to a later scene showing Nyah standing alone next to a cliff in Sydney) leaves her walking along some pleasant scenery.
NC: (rubbing his eye temples in annoyance) Okay, am I the only one feeling that Spy Kids is out-spying everybody right now?
(We are shown that Sean's hideout doesn't really match its title, as Ethan successfully climbs up in the back, which is unguarded and fenceless)
NC (vo): Don't worry. They make up for it by having a secret meeting with the CEO, which is so heavily guarded, a guy climbing up the back can get in-
NC: You know, for a film series called Mission: Impossible, everything seems very possible!
NC (vo): You should have just called them (The fake title that NC says appears) "Mission: Wow, This is Stupid Easy! Like...Sssssstupid Easy!"
(Ethan gets inside and breaks one of Sean's henchmen's neck with his legs from above)
NC (vo): Cruise breaks into the secret hideout and (Ethan runs through a basement full of doves, disturbing them) there's my birds! Oh, yeah, John Woo goes to John Coo whenever the situation presents itself. Hell, even when it doesn't present itself.
(Ethan fights off another henchman and covers his mouth for a second to answer Luther. He finds out he knows where Nyah is)
Ethan: Somewhere in Sydney? Care to harden the target? (knocks the henchman out)
Luther: (via walkie-talkie) I can't until I can get the GPS up on our computer.
NC: What, is he killing this guy in his spare time?
NC (vo): Both of you need to put more effort into this!
(Ethan shoots his gun at a bomb on the floor, blowing it up and knocking two henchmen away)
NC (vo): That's more like it! If only there was a symbolic visual that could allow John Woo's ego and Tom Cruise's ego to jerk each other off at the same time.
(Through the fires of the destroyed door, a single dove flies towards the camera, as Ethan slowly walks past the fires and winks at Sean. NC gasps in mock amazement. The animated bug appears once more in the right hand corner)
Animated Bug: Huuuuuuge.
(NC acts like he is moved by the scene)
NC: Oh! I've never been ravished by so much insecurity! I'm getting an STD just looking at you!
NC (vo): Oh, don't worry, by the way. The symbolism follows him around.
(As Hugh and his goons attempt to search for Ethan, we see Ethan hiding above the room's ceiling, along with the dove)
NC (vo; snickers): Okay. It's funny enough seeing that dove fly right in front of him during an explosion like God and the Devil climaxed together.
NC: But it kind of loses its grandeur when he's just...
NC (vo): ...hiding in the corner with it. (as Ethan) Oh, boy, Dovey. Are we gonna go on an adventure today? (The dove coos) Maybe we're gonna fight some crime. (The dove coos) Or solve a mystery. (The dove coos) Or learn how hamburgers are made. (The dove coos) I hope we learn how hamburgers are made. (The dove coos) I like hamburgers.
(Hugh continues searching for Ethan, when he hears the dove cooing. The dove flies away from the room Ethan is hiding in)
NC: (as Hugh) I smell the everlasting peace of Jesus Cruise.
(Ethan and Hugh get into a fight, in which Hugh apparently defeats Ethan and captures him, taking him to Sean and his men)
NC (vo): Cruise and Moriarty get in a fight, leading to Cruise apparently being defeated, yet not saying a thing at all. Yeah. We're doing this dumb shit.
(Hugh shoots Ethan in the leg, causing Ethan to groan, yet his mouth doesn't open)
NC: We're all so many steps ahead, we're reenacting Rocky at the top of those steps! (That famous image of Rocky at the Rocky Steps at Philadelphia is shown)
(Sean takes out his gun and shoots Ethan constantly, to the horror of McCoy but to the satisfaction of Hugh, as a huge chorus is heard in the background. NC gasps in mock horror)
NC: My God...they're do...they're really doing it! They're killing Tom Cruise!
NC (vo): Wha...ga...absolutely play your big choir music, 'cause we just lost a saint! He's been Tom Crucified for our sins!
NC: I mean, it's odd that all the advertising... (Scenes from the film's trailers showing Ethan on his motorbike is shown) shows him even more in the film, fighting and riding motorcycles. (NC has his hands up) Like, all of the advertising! But that's just dedication to their marketing fakeout!
NC (vo): Tom Cruise knows how to keep us guessing...
(Just as NC says that line, Sean, after shooting Ethan, begins to sense something amiss and removes a face mask, revealing that Sean had actually killed Hugh, who was wearing Ethan's mask)
NC (vo): You ripped off Darkman again?!
NC: This film steals from everything EXCEPT Mission: Impossible!
(The fake "Hugh" is revealed to be Ethan in disguise, and he's now escaping from Sean and his goons)
NC (vo; as Ethan): Thank God I had a makeup chair in several hours to apply that mask on him. (Ethan puts on sunglasses) Time to put on my incredibly important shades!
(Ethan rides away on a motorcycle with Sean's men in pursuit in their cars; they start shooting at him)
NC: (as Ethan) See? You guys are all missing because you're not wearing your shades. It's not just to look cool. They're very practical. They are!
(One of the henchmen's cars gets destroyed, and Ethan rides through the fire in slow-motion)
NC (vo): Huh. It looks like Cruise's narcissism isn't flammable, despite him clearly being flaming.
NC (vo): So he partakes in...let's be honest, some pretty enjoyably stupid stunts.
(Another car chases Ethan, but Ethan stops his bike, causing the car to lose control. Ethan takes out his gun and starts shooting at the car)
NC (vo; as Ethan): I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome! (The gunshots hit the car, causing it to roll over and crash in an explosion) I'm awesome!
(Ethan continues riding away, now being pursued by Sean. Ethan, still driving the bike, hops off its seat and starts skidding on the road)
NC: Okay, the shades are bad enough, but heelies, Tom? Really? (The scene of Ethan skidding on the road is shown with an image of heelie shoes)
(Ethan and Sean eventually stop at a cliff, where they face each other)
NC (vo): So it's mano e mano with Sean and Cruise. Thank God they had that couple minute talk to amp up the intense rivalry that's been building. We know shit about your past and you talk for two minutes. Yeah, this is earned!
(Ethan and Sean drive straight towards each other, before both men jump out of their bikes (with a "boing" sound effect added in) and tackle each other, as the bikes both crash and blow up)
NC: (smiling) Yes. That was exactly as dumb as it looked.
NC (vo): I think the only reason they agreed to do this is because rocket jumps and bike fencing weren't invented yet. (Two images, one of a guy holding a rocket jumping, and the other of The Simpsons season 11 episode "Take My Wife, Sleaze", showing Homer and a biker Meathook fighting with bikes, are shown)
NC: In fact, wouldn't you just pay anything to see them miss?
(The bike face-off moment is shown again, but this time, we are shown an alternative take of Ethan and Sean missing each other, as the bikes crash and blow off-screen, seemingly killing both men as well. Cut to an old-fashioned “The End” title card as the ending theme music for “Merry Go-Round Broke Down” plays. Back to the film)
NC (vo): By this point, we really should have bad Japanese dubbing.
(The two are beating each other up on the coast without saying a word, while NC dubs both of them a la anime)
NC (vo; as Sean): Mr. Cruise, I can tell you're very upset. (as Ethan) You have never seen me very upset. (as Sean) Your power is strong, but mine is strongererer. (Sean manages to hold Ethan down and holds a knife directly over one of his eyes) And now I have you right where I want you. (as Ethan) But you forget I am Tom Cruise, and I produced this movie. (as Sean) Ah, good point. Let me just let you get on top of me, like I'm not even trying to fight back because you are so awesome. (as Ethan) I am so awesome. (as Sean) You are so awesome.
(Sean is unarmed, and Ethan has his knife in his hands. Cut to...waves splashing)
NC (vo): Cruise has a chance to stab him and kill him, as, I guess, these random waves are suppose to indicate.
NC: I don't get it. Wait! (Raises his finger as if he has an idea, but a short beat later, he goes back to being confused) I don't get it.
(Ethan throws the knife in the sand between Sean's legs and proceeds to beat him up some more, then gets grip of a gun, rolls himself in the sand and shoots an also lying Sean dead)
NC (vo): But he doesn't stab and kill him. (as Ethan) That is not the Tom Cruise way. I much rather shoot the shit out of you. Because that...is...the Tom Cruise...way. I don't know. (The scene with the dove in the blown-up door plays again) I had a bird flying by in slow-motion, so this all has to mean something.
(Ethan and Luther fly to Nyah in a helicopter, who prepares to fall off a cliff in devastation, and take her. Luther injects Nyah with the Bellerophon in time to cure her. Later, Ethan has a talk with Swanbeck)
NC (vo): So the cure is given to Nyah and...what, are you (Swanbeck) still here?
Swanbeck: Well, Mr. Hunt, as for Miss Hall, in light of her efforts...her criminal record will certainly be expunged.
NC: (as Swanbeck) I'm off to do a Transformers sequel rather than ever being in any of these movies again. Think about that.
(Ethan reunites with Nyah. They kiss and walk off in the public park as the movie ends)
NC (vo): Cruise meets up with Nyah to prepare to forget about her by movie three. And by far, one of the strangest parks I think I've ever seen. (Zoom in on the boys throwing a football) Why are they throwing a football like that? In fact, are they throwing a soccer ball, too? (Zoom in to kids with balloons) How can you run a kite in the air in an area this crowded? (The shot is shown in its entirety while NC is talking about two fire jugglers in on the right side) Are they juggling fire? Who juggles fire in a park?! Yeah, enjoy that, kid only two feet away. One slip up, and you'll be an extra from Total Recall!
NC: (waves his hand in disapproval) No, no, no, no, no. This is awkward, this is strange, it doesn't make any sense. I am only giving this two flaming doves.
(Two flaming doves from Face/Off fly across the screen, screaming. The clips from the movie are shown for the last time as NC says his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): It's funny. When this film came out, it was praised for all the spy stuff, but criticized for Cruise's and Woo's ego boosting of themselves. But the interesting thing is, years later, the spy stuff is pretty boring and the Cruise and Woo stuff, while ridiculous, is still wildly entertaining. These are two over-the-top artists who love portraying themselves as more important than they probably are. But when done this extreme, it's kind of fun. Weirdly enough, though, I could've used a lot more of it, as much of the film is slow and forgettable. But people still remember the over-the-top moments enough, I guess, though, usually with mixed results. It's definitely not Mission: Impossible, it's just kind of an awkward mess. But if you are in the right mood, that awkward mess can be laughably enjoyable.
(Cut to Cruise, Tamara and Malcolm looking at NC. Cruise is pretty upset)
Cruise: You think you're tough making fun of my career like that?
NC: (defensively) No, no... (gives up) Well, yeah.
Cruise: I'll show you! I'm gonna remind everyone of how amazing I am by hanging myself out of an helicopter, falling on a plane, carrying a building!
NC: No. No, Tom Cruise's career. It wasn't about the stunts at all.
Tamara: Yeah, it is.
NC: People didn't start liking you again because you put yourself in danger.
Malcolm: I totally did.
NC: They like you because you can be a really good actor when your ego doesn't get in the way.
Tamara: It's 100% the stunts.
NC: But when you look at...
Malcolm: It's the stunts, Critic.
NC: (admitting it) You're right, it's the stunts. They're just so cool!
Cruise: Really? There's...There's no truth in what you were saying before?
NC: (after a short beat) Nah.
Cruise: Okay. I...I guess I'll see if I survive my next flick.
NC: That'd be great.
Cruise: Okay. Bye.
(Cruise leaves the room while Tamara, Malcolm and NC bid him farewell)
Tamara: He was amazing in Magnolia, though.
NC: My favorite is honestly Rain Man.
Malcolm: Oh, how about in Collateral?
NC: (overlapping Malcolm and Tamara) Well, Collateral, obviously. But when you really look at Rain Man, just sort of the different layers...
(Cruise appears from the bottom of the screen, probably overhearing their conversation about his more subtle films)
Cruise: (smiling) Did somebody say something?
NC, Tamara and Malcolm: Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! (Cruise slowly leaves the way he entered the scene) Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts!
NC: (to the camera) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and we're probably awful. (resumes chanting with Malcolm and Tamara as he leaves his desk) Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts! Stunts!
(We get a last Nicolas Cage sunset scene with the aroused groaning before the credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Benny: I'll have a look around! Ha-ha!