October 07, 2014
(An opening similar to that of Halloween plays. We follow the POV of a killer inside NC's house as he puts on a mask and confronts him.)
NC: What? What the hell are you doing in my house? Get outta here! Get-- No, no, don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! (NC screams as the killer begins repeatedly stabbing him.) Why are you looking at your hand while stabbing me? (More screams as the killer drops the knife, and lifts his mask to reveal that it's JonTron.)
(The Nostalgia-Ween title knocks him to the ground. Cut to NC in the kitchen as the microwave finishes.)
NC: Ah. Nothing like bringing in the holidays than by justifying the gym membership in January I'll never use. Ah. A pumpkin hot dog on a pumpkin bun with pumpkin ketchup. Hee hee hee hee! (stops) Though...would it be prudent to possibly dip it in some pumpkin whipped cream? Has such a feat ever been done before?
NC: (To himself) What the hell was that?
(The Critic's phone starts going off. The ringtone is Pennywise's laugh.)
NC: Oh, shit! I'm late for the Stephen King review!
(Pencilhead appears again, and NC is annoyed.)
NC: (Annoyed) Could I get any heavier foreshadowing? I mean, look at this. The four is left right in the shadows. If we do this to all our props, they're gonna fade. (He sits down in the command chair while patting the four.) We'll just put you in a sketch later. (Kisses four) (softly) You're my favorite prop. (normal) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! Well, it's the month of Halloween, and you all know what that means: It's time to celebrate the great writer by focusing on his worst work. It's Stephen King Time!
(The sound of children cheering is heard and "Greenery" by Silent Partner plays as a black-and-white cutout of Stephen King in front of a colorful, cheerful background appears. The words "STEPHEN KING TIME!" appear on the screen. Clips from different Stephen King media are shown.)
NC (v/o): There's no doubt that Stephen King is spectacular when he's good, but for some strange reason, he's even more spectacular when he's bad. At least, when it comes to his film adaptations. For years, I've been mocking his infamous TV miniseries, but the time has come to finally journey to the next level of laughable Hell: his motion pictures.
NC: And what better way to start off than the film he had 100% control of: Maximum Overdrive!
(The film's title comes up.)
NC (v/o): This is the only Stephen King story that Stephen King himself directed. Hell, he glorifies the fact that he directed it. Just look at the trailer!
Stephen King (from trailer): I finally decided if you want something done right, you ought to do it yourself. I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right.
NC (v/o): That's right. There's no arguing someone interpreted it wrong. No claiming that filmmakers just don't understand King. No saying that Stephen King's work should be transferred to the cinematic world. Or that Stephen King himself wouldn't like it. This time around, there's no excuse. This is the only time we'll ever see Stephen King on Stephen King. That is, until Tumblr was born.
(We then see a picture of Stephen King glomping Stephen King? Wow. weird.)
NC: So sit back, my Hallo-weenies, and let's see Stephen King "done right".
Stephen King (from trailer): I'm gonna scare the Hell outta you!
NC: This is Maximum Overdrive!
NC (v/o): Of course, it's only fitting that an author starts off this visual medium with a butt-ton of reading. Let's see... comet... tail... eight days... Does it give me a reason why the Earth is emitting a broccoli fart at the same time? And, fittingly again, King starts off his adaptation by doing what most Stephen King adaptations do: saying "FUCK YOU" to the audience! Wow, he just cuts to the chase, doesn't he? Even King himself gets his customary cameo out of the way.
ATM Man (Stephen King): Honey! (lifts glasses) This machine just called me an asshole!
NC (as ATM Man): Obviously, it watched Under the Dome!
NC (v/o): As the credits roll, we see all sorts of chaos go on as tons of machines come to life and cause gigantic destruction after gigantic destruction. The only thing that could possibly be more awesome than that? The greatest credit ever put on any film anywhere.
(The Hallelujah chorus plays as "Music by AC/DC" appears.)
NC: By God, I have no idea what they have to do with Stephen King, but I am 100% behind that credit! It almost makes up for this one! (Emilio Estevez' credit comes up.) Though, if somewhere in this movie, AC/DC decides to coach a hockey team, I wouldn't be against it.
NC (v/o): We then see a gas station where, by far, the strangest fucking toy truck you've ever seen in your life pulls in. [It's a toy truck with a giant head of the Green Goblin on the grille.]
Truck Driver: Heh. You like that, huh?
NC (as Mechanic): Well, if the point of your toy company was to scare the apple juice piss out of your clientele, then, yeah, I'd say you got a winner! Though, to be fair, it is scarier than anything in the Sam Raimi movies.
NC (v/o): While filling up on his... nine dollars for fifteen gallons of gas? Fuck you, 1987! One of the truck stop attendants, played by Emilio Estevez, talks to his boss, played by Pat Hingle.
William "Billy" Robinson (Emilio Estevez): Now you want me to work for nine hours...and only clock in for eight?
Bubba Hendershot (Pat Hingle): You know what that star means, don’t you? On parole, boy! Either your ass belongs to me or belongs to the state of North Carolina.
NC (v/o): Really? A gold star means you're on parole? What do convicted pedophiles get? A Dora the Explorer sticker?
Bubba: Thank you, Bubba. (laughs) Oh, shit! (laughs some more)
NC (as Bubba): I just realized I'm in a Stephen King film, so I can act however I want, and it'll fly! (hysterical laughter)
NC (v/o): But within the truck stop, a young Debra Wilson in drag notices the machines are acting up.
(The arcade game Star Castle is displaying a series of uncanny shapes and colors on its screen, drawing the video game patron (played by Giancarlo Esposito) towards it.)
NC (v/o): Ah, the 80s. When wearing a Twinkie in your hat would raise no questions whatsoever. Apart from "Why the fuck do you have a Twinkie in your hat?"
(The patron puts his hand on the video game, and gets shocked to death.)
NC (v/o): Sure enough, other machines start acting up, too. An electric knife cuts someone, vending machines spill all over the place, and yes, there is even death by soda.
(The vending machine starts spitting out soda cans at the coach and the players. The coach has been hit in the skull hard, and his temple is bleeding severely.)
NC (as Coach): At least I'm leaving behind a hilarious obituary.
Deke Keller (Holter Graham): Oh, shit! (He puts on a baseball mask to shield his face from the flying cans.)
NC (v/o): A little boy tries to get away from Stephen King's second killer cola machine he's ever written. (That clip from The Tommyknockers is shown) Seriously, was it so good the first time, it had to be repeated? As we see another boy get run over by a steamroller.
(The steamroller runs over the boy.)
NC (v/o): Now there is a controversial cut here where it said in the original, the boy's head actually explodes, but it was too much for an R rating.
NC: In honor of our sick obsession with violence, we should probably question more -- fuck it. I'm gonna show you the one frame that made it into the film.
(Footage of the steamroller running over the boy plays as a green arrow points to head guts coming out.)
NC: Woo-hoo-hoo! I think I can see his eyeballs shoot through his brain! (He lifts a book entitled "Emma" to his face before shoving it back down again.) Let me have this.
NC (v/o): We then see a hitchhiker (Brett Brooks), played by the dollar store version of Molly Ringwald (Laura Harrington) pull into the truck stop as the radio says everyone should get off the road. Why? Well, judging by this couple, it's because Haley Joel Osment is inbreeding. That's the only way you can explain why he somehow became two people.
Connie (Yeardley Smith): Curtis? Is he dead?
NC (v/o): That's Yeardley Smith, by the way, the voice of Lisa Simpson. And if you think her character on that show can be annoying, take a listen to some of this.
(A montage of Connie's "annoying" lines in the film follows. The effect is akin to fingernails on a blackboard.)
NC (creeped out): You know, suddenly the idea of slitting my throat with her spiky hair doesn't sound that bad.
Stephen King (from trailer): I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right.
NC (v/o): They end up driving towards the truck stop where our heroes are at, who are checking out to see if the trucks themselves have apparently come alive. (Billy checks the inside of the truck.) Be careful! That jack-in-the-box they forgot to crop out might ruin the scare. (The jack-in-the-box pops up. It's the Green Goblin.) Up, no. It would've been ruined even without it.
Brett: So, anybody in there?
Billy: Nope, not now.
(The truck adjusts its rear view mirror until the two people are in view.)
NC (v/o): So, the truck has to adjust its rear view mirror in order to see them? Umm... I wouldn't mind so much the idea that trucks have eyes and are somehow in the driver's seat area, but... do you have to do it on the only truck in the goddamn movie that literally has eyes? Isn't that kind of throwing the truck anatomy off a bit?
NC (v/o): But the little boy version of Kim Griest rides around the neighborhood, realizing that technology has officially come alive and is killing people. Even a toy car somehow apparently killed a dog. You explain that one.
(Footage shows an ice cream truck rolling along, then a lawnmower turns on, and chases the kid, when suddenly...)
Camp Loman (Christopher Murney): Let me tell you right now...
NC (v/o): (scoff) Wow, that ended abruptly. It's almost like Stephen King looked this scene over and said...
NC (as Stephen King): O-kay, an ice cream truck and a lawnmower are the villains in this scene and... eh, this is stupid.
Camp Loman: Let me tell you right now, boy and girl...
NC (v/o): But I guess that can't be as silly as Christine and friends starting to run over people at the truck stop.
(Duncan Keller is run over by one of the trucks.)
NC (v/o): You know, it's one thing if machines just, out of the blue, came to life, but how the hell is something as random as a comet supposed to give a soul to modern-day appliances?!
NC: It's like if I dipped that pumpkin hot dog in that pumpkin whipped cream, something evil would happen! ...Which is suddenly right next to me...Which is probably cold right now, so I'll eat it another day. (Looks over again, as a gloved hand pushes the hot dog closer.) Or, maybe I'll eat it later today. (The glove starts patting the table.) After the review? (The glove motions for him to continue.) While talking about the cinematic version of Stephen King playing with his Hot Wheels! (The gloves applaud.)
NC: (Grabs the hot dog and begins dipping it.) Hey, thanks, disembodied hand to which your origin I know not! (A sudden explosion blows him out of his seat.) What the hell?
(Pencilhead appears in a flash of light.)
Pencilhead: You have summoned us, Critic! Behold, we are the Trope-raisers.
NC: By God, I've heard of you! You come from a world where aggravating pain and Stephen King clichés are one and the same!
Pencilhead: You learn to love them after the first twenty books, as you will learn to love them, Critic.
NC: But I don't wanna love his tropes! I wanna make fun of them!
Pencilhead: But you must! Behold Stephen King trope #127: the religious nut!
Camp Loman: The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want!/This beautiful American truth way bible can be yours for just $9.95!
NC: Oh, geez, and I'll bet he runs into all the redneck characters, right?
Pencilhead: How did you know about trope #2647?
NC: Because that's all his characters! You're either a country bumpkin or a bloodsucking Christian!
Pencilhead: Well, surely you don't know trope #36498...
NC: The religious nut dies?
Pencilhead: Yes, that's the one.
(The toy truck backs into Camp Loman, knocking him into a ditch.)
NC: Well, of course, he does! It happens in all his movies!
Pencilhead: But are you aware of trope #385?
NC: The obvious symbolism of hypocritical faith?
(The toy truck runs over Camp's bible.)
NC: Look, just because people accept a trope over and over and over, that doesn't make it good. If anything, it makes it worse.
Pencilhead: You may say that now, Critic. But just like a Will Ferrell performance, you will learn to love it, hate it, love it, and then forget you ever saw it in the first place.
NC: Well, I look forward to that part.
Pencilhead: Your defenses will lower, Critic. And I'll be there when they do. (He walks offscreen.)
NC: So, like I said--
(Pencilhead appears again, then walks offscreen.)
NC (v/o): So, like I said before, the religious nut is run over by the toy truck, which, despite being an over-the-top drawing of a clown, it still somehow gets a more subtle performance than Tim Curry.
NC (Tim Curry voice): You'll float! You'll all float!
NC (v/o): Everyone tries to figure out what to do -- while, I think, this guy went into a coma on screen -- as the trucks actually start to circle the gas station.
(The trucks all start circling around the gas pumps.)
NC (v/o): Nothing more frightening than delivery trucks playing "Ring Around the Pussies".
NC (as trucks): [to the tune of Ring Around the Mulberry Bush] ♫ Here we go 'round the idiot stop/It's loaded with fops, whose IQ's have dropped/I think you'll need some peppermint Schnapps/To get through this damn movie! ♫
NC (v/o): Meanwhile, our newly-deads aren't having much luck, as they're being chased down by other evil Herbies.
NC (v/o): (chuckle) A drunk Frodo dabbles in vehicular manslaughter.
Connie: Why is this happening?
NC (v/o): ZUUL, MOTHATRUCKA, ZUUL!
Curtis (John Short): Hang on!
NC (as Curtis): Yeah, hang on while I veer comfortably to the right. That'll lose 'em.
(The truck goes off the road and into a ditch. It explodes shortly after.)
NC (v/o): Huh. I guess that comment made them extra sensitive to blow up over grassy hills.
Curtis: You know, we should call the police from that truck stop up there.
NC: Well, it is a truck stop, and we do need to stop trucks.
(An off-screen audience boos.)
NC: You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!
NC (v/o): Unfortunately, the sinister six-wheelers aren't letting up, so our heroes go out to help Squint and Squintier get inside.
Bubba: All right, Bubba! (holds a random rocket launcher) Stick this one up your home sick!
NC (v/o): WHAT THE FUCK?
(Bubba fires the rocket which is seemingly invisible and the people lie flat on the ground as the truck following them blows up.)
NC (v/o): Good thing I had that missile on cloak so nobody would see it hit the truck!
(Bubba fires another rocket. Another truck blows up, and rolls of toilet paper come raining down upon the ground.)
Bubba: Another one bat shoot, Bubba! Whoo!
(NC looks really excited as a Jane Austen book gets in his way.)
NC: (He struggles to get the book out of his face.) No, I want to see it, I want to see it! (The book is in front of his face.) By God, she's defying her social class!
Billy: Where'd you get all that stuff?
Joey (Patrick Miller): We got a whole bunch of this stuff--
Bubba: Shut up, Joey.
NC (as truck): Just keep circling. Don't let them know it bothers us.
NC (v/o): So it's revealed that under the truck stop, there's a shit ton of firearms that they never knew about. Good...thing those machines weren't somehow affected. I mean, seriously, there's a gun that starts shooting off later, and yet, somehow none of these devices are affected by the comet? What sense does that make?
(Pencilhead shows up again.)
(Nostalgia Critic is shell shocked.)
Pencilhead: There is a reason that guns aren't alive. Some machines are affected more slowly. Those with simpler parts and mechanics--
NC: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is this like justifying the clown and the spider in It with this complicated backstory when really, Stephen King just wanted a reason to use a clown and a spider in It?
Pencilhead: No. The spider in It is really plain and simple to understand.
NC: Oh, yeah? What is it?
Pencilhead: There is a void surrounding the universe known as the Macroverse.
NC: Your first sentence isn't even over and already I can't follow it.
Pencilhead: No, really. It's super easy to follow. I'm surprised they left it out of the movie. Its natural enemy is the turtle. Well, not just any turtle. The Turtle that created the Universe. And others. But that's another really easy story to follow.
NC: (disgusted) Ah, Jesus. We'll be right back after this "common sense" explanation takes place.
Pencilhead: And the next thing we knew, Master Splinter raised them, and they developed a machine. By, of course, Donatello, because he's the smartest one. Everyone knows that.
Announcer: From the mountains to the oceans, in the great state of Maine, everything you need is here. (What looks like an advertisement for a tour of Maine shows up onscreen. The countdown timer counts down from five seconds.) Unless you skip the ad that'll take you there. (But when the button to skip the ad appears, it suddenly starts moving across the screen.)
Pencilhead: For that's what happens when you don't give in to Stephen King tropes. (Pencilhead appears in a flash of light.) All ads become commercials for Maine.
NC: (Annoyed) Oh, for crying out loud, will you stop explaining how these tropes are ingenious and just let people watch the video?
Pencilhead: Not until you hear how many great scenes were left out of his movie adaptations. Like how the original ending of Carrie had a meteor shower.
NC: That sounds stupid.
Pencilhead: It was better the way he wrote it. Or... how the girl in It had to have sex with all the boys in order for them to survive?
NC: That sounds awful and stupid.
Pencilhead: It was better the way he wrote it. And don't forget the electrically charged condoms in Apt Pupil.
(Nostalgia Critic glares.)
NC and Pencilhead: It was better the way he wrote it.
NC: Look, can I just enjoy the terrible tropes in this film for now?
Pencilhead: So you are enjoying it.
NC: Just let me watch it!
(Pencilhead laughs as he walks offscreen to the right. Just as the Critic is about to say something, Pencilhead appears again, and walks to the left this time. The Critic is not amused.)
NC (v/o): So as the sun goes down and the trucks continue to circle the place, there's only one logical thing to do: Pork.
Brett: I'll tell you one thing.
Billy: What's that?
Brett: You sure make love like a hero.
NC (as Brett): What can I say? Being held hostage by an army of six-wheelers just turns me on.
NC (v/o): Even the rest of the people seem to be pretty relaxed while these trucks do nothing but keep circling the wagon. Are these things even supposed to be scary? Is turning the sky green somehow supposed to make them even more threatening? It's like watching Gozer's less talented sister!
NC (Gozer voice): Oh, Gozer the Gozerian's drunken sibling ain't going anywhere until she gets a bottle of Wild Turkey. Wild Turkey, bitches! I need it! My sister's dead, killed by some 80's comedians! I... I... Oh, God, I need some Ibuprofen!
NC (v/o): But one waitress decides she's done taking it up the tailpipe.
Wanda June (Ellen McElduff): We... made... them. We... made... them. (Runs out of the restaurant and starts shouting at the trucks) YOU CAN'T! WE MADE YOU!
NC: Oh, dear, it's time for our ceremonial Stephen King actor turns into cartoon character again!
Wanda: (Shouting) WE MADE YOU! (Cartoon sound effects are added as she starts jumping up and down and then Billy drags her back inside as one of the trucks heads her way.)
NC (v/o): Look at her. She's moving like a Jerry Lewis animatronic with extra William Shatner parts! (as Jerry Lewis) The Hell you can't! (Lower normal voice) We...made...you.
Wanda: (Shouting) WE MADE YOU!
NC (as truck): Don't make us circle around you some more.
(The lights suddenly go out, leaving everyone in the place in pitch blackness.)
NC (v/o): Well, back to our all-important drinking. You know, when you take the homicidal element out of it, they actually kind of treat it like a nice situation. Whoa! Trucks should try to kill them more often. This is one of the most relaxing times they've had in years!
(The group hears a noise from outside.)
Curtis: Holy shit.
Brett: That's that bible salesman I rode in with.
NC (v/o): But they hear the religious nut outside making noise, and...because we all clearly know he has a chance to make it out of this alive, they try to sneak out and go after him.
Clark Griswold (v/o): Kids, Big Ben. Parliament.
(Billy and Curtis sneak out of the truckstop into the pumping room, making sure not to be seen. They enter a transverse pipe beneath the place.)
NC (v/o): Wow. The comet must've also messed with how flashlights work, because it's a little confused (green arrows appear) what's supposed to be lit and what isn't.
(Deke comes crawling out of the mouth of a culvert and happens upon Camp Loman. Loman is all coated with mud from the ditch.)
NC (v/o): But before they can get to the guy, the little boy comes across him first.
NC (v/o): Uh, yeah, he gets up. He gets up. He gets up. Well, gee, I guess you really fooled me, movie. I guess he's not going to get up. (pause) No, really. You totally got me. I'm totally convinced that he is not gonna get up and do a jump scare whatsoever.
NC: Well, I might as well go do some other stuff, seeing how he's clearly not getting up. You really got me there, movie. Really got me.
(The Critic gets up and walks offscreen. The scene briefly shows Deke examining Camp before cutting back to the Critic's chair.)
NC (offscreen): Really thought he was gonna get up there, movie. Really, really, really, got me there.
(Suddenly, Camp reaches out at Deke, grabbing him.)
NC (offscreen): What a fucking shocker!
Camp Loman: (rasping) Pull me! Pull me!
Deke: I can't! You're too heavy.
Camp Loman: (rasping) Get me out of this ditch, or by Jesus, I'll kill you!
NC (v/o): Do all dying Christians sound like the bad guy from Howard the Duck?
Camp Loman: (rasping) By Jesus, I'll kill you!
Dark Overlord: If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen!
NC (v/o): The team does meet up with him and tries to drag him back, but again, big shocker. He doesn't make it all the way. Thus, they use what they should've been using this whole time -- a fuck ton of weapons. It's not like they have a whole shit ton of them at their disposal -- (incoherent blabbering) oh, wait! They hide inside again as the kid discovers his father has, in fact, passed on.
Deke: Where's my dad?
Bubba: Oh, done got scrubbed by one of them big boys out there. (lights cigar)
(Deke starts crying as Billy attempts to calm him down.)
Billy: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hang on, man.
Brett: (slaps Bubba) Just a little lesson that matters from the road, twit.
NC (as Brett): Don't make me lightly slap you like I'm swatting a fly on your chin again.
(Cut to Deke sitting down and blowing bubbles)
NC (v/o): Well, he got over that fast. FUCKING BUBBLES!
(An M274 Mule with a mounted M60 machine gun pulls into the truck stop.)
NC (v/o): But some armed equipment finally makes its way to the stop and starts letting loose.
(The vehicle fires its gun into the place, resulting in several fatalities.)
NC (v/o): Oh, no! Not the extraneous characters! They offered so much in how little they offered!
NC (as Bubba): Oh, dear, somebody spilled jam on me in between shots. Why didn't anybody tell me the jerk never survives a Stephen King story?
(Wanda picks up the bazooka.)
Steve Gayton (Barry Bell): Wanda, no! (Billy grabs him.) Goddamn it, let go of me!
Wanda: (Shouting) WE MADE YOU!
NC (v/o): Ah, yes. She needs to relive her Oscar-winning moment.
Wanda: (Shouting) WE MADE YOU!
(The machine gun shoots Wanda dead. As she dies, the bazooka fires a rocket, taking out another one of the trucks.)
NC (v/o): Huh. I guess she just took the bazooka for moral support. Didn't seem to work.
(The truck's horn starts honking in a most peculiar manner.)
NC (v/o): The gun starts honking Morse Code, which apparently, none of the other trucks could've honked. But even more amazingly, one of them actually knows how to interpret it.
Brett: Incredible. They want us to feed 'em.
Andy (J. Don Ferguson): Feed 'em?
NC (v/o): That's right, everybody. All they wanted this entire time was just fuel. Really? There was no other way they could've made that obvious? Wouldn't it have been easier if they just did something like this?
(A harp chord plays as the scene cuts to a photoshopped aerial view with a bunch of trucks arranged to spell out the word "FUEL".)
NC (v/o): In fact, isn't driving around constantly in a circle wasting their goddamn fuel? You're fucking wasting your life span trying to get your life span!
Stephen King (from trailer): I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right.
NC (v/o): Oh, well. They all succumb to "Truckholm Syndrome" and decide to fill them all up. Emilio lets the lead truck know by literally whispering into its ear.
Billy: All right, you bastard. Tell all your friends the main line's open.
NC (v/o): I'm sorry, I just don't think I can take a scene seriously when he's whispering into what looks like (shows a picture of) a Mask Happy Meal toy.
Billy: I got the best Shell on the East Coast. Practically uncut.
NC (Green Goblin voice): The fuel gauge, Emilio! First, you start with the fuel gauge.
NC (v/o): This results in literally hundreds of other trucks hearing the news somehow and showing up as well to get fueled up. Yup, it's about as stupidly silly as it sounds.
Billy: Imagine you're...a race of aliens, right? And...you're looking for a new place to live.
NC (v/o): Dude, you filled up trucks, not survived a war. I think they can be a little less dramatic about it.
Billy: Sending their broom... using our own machines... sweep us right off...
NC (v/o): Well, that's an interestingly stupid theory, but like the credits said, comet. Which makes much more impractical sense-ish, kind of, not really.
NC: But I'm sure it's explained in Dark Tower or something.
NC (v/o): So, only now do they decide to figure out a plan to take these suckers out and leave.
Billy: Whoa, whoa, cool it, champ! Little peep business to take care of. Something you wouldn't understand. (to the patron) Now, when I say run, you run, okay?
NC (as M274): Uh... I know we don't have ears, but we've clearly established I can hear you guys. It's the same volume you were speaking to me just a minute ago-- (Billy plants a grenade and makes the gun turret spin around. He and the patron make a run for it.) Whoa! Oh, my God! Am I this easy to take out? You gotta be kidding me! I've been fucking foiled by user friendliness!
(The grenade detonates, destroying the M274.)
NC (v/o): They wait until nightfall to make their escape, as--for some reason, the trucks let them do it until several hours later when they finally decide to attack the place. Brilliant planning. Wait until your enemy has fled, and then let them have it! Look, they're even crushing the newlyweds' car, that I'm only now realizing never came to life. Again, explained in Dark Tower, I'm sure.
(The monstrous vehicles are seen destroying the truck stop.)
Billy: C'mon, c'mon! Go, go, go!
NC (Green Goblin voice): WE'LL MEET AGAIN, SPIDER-MAN!
(The ice cream truck from earlier comes driving up.)
NC (v/o): But wait...what's that? FUCK YOU, ICE CREAM! (The rocket hits the ice cream truck, destroying it.) That's for never having the Ninja Turtle Bars. I need my gumdrop eyes!
NC (v/o): They head towards the boats because...apparently, they're not affected by the comet alien ghost whatever, but Yoda from Hell (the Green Goblin truck) is still ready for some action.
Billy: Adios, motherfucker!
(Billy fires a rocket at the Green Goblin Truck.)
NC (Green Goblin voice): Ha! You think that can stop me? Oh, wait, I'm done. Yeah, good job.
(Text appears explaining how a UFO was discovered and shot down by a Russian satellite.)
NC (v/o): Oh, so it was aliens! Okay, the comet apparently had nothing to do with anything! In fact, it didn't even pass over by the time all this stuff took place.
NC: Ummmm... what a twist?
(NC jumps in shock.)
Pencilhead: King is often known for twists, as it is trope #2.
NC: Really? Just two?
Pencilhead: They don't all have to be big numbers. So, have you succumbed to the Stephen King tropes and all its tropiness?
NC: Actually... yeah, I kind of have.
Pencilhead: Ah, so you know what it means to love repeatable pain?
NC: No, actually, I love them for a different reason.
(Clips from Maximum Overdrive are shown as NC gives his final thought)
NC: (v/o) In my opinion, this is Stephen King's version of a B-movie. A film that is meant to be over-the-top bad. I don't think he wanted to scare us with this; I think he wanted to make us laugh. I mean, let's be honest; no film using AC/DC is intending to scare anyone. In a strange way, I think he's not only mocking horror tropes, but his own tropes as well. When he says...
Stephen King (from trailer): I just wanted someone to do Stephen King right.
NC: (v/o) Maybe he's referring to the fact that he's never meant to be taken too seriously. There's always a bit of otherworldly insanity that even he can poke fun of and laugh at. So...as a totally crazy clichéd explosion-filled blood bath of idiocy, it's a damn fun time. I mean, okay, it's not for everyone; it's pretty mindless and just has a bunch of big explosions, but, truth be told, I kind of recommend it. If you're looking for something that's bizarrely silly, over-the-top, and soaked in testosterone-filled cheese, then this is the perfect Stephen King B-movie for you.
NC: So what do you think of that?
Pencilhead: I think I got bored halfway through your speech.
Pencilhead: Let us instead analyze the overused tropes of (picture of) Leonardo DiCaprio movies.
NC: Ooh! Now that sounds like fun! Uh, let's see. Trope #1: He's always a smug and/or insecure douche.
Pencilhead: Trope #2: Ridiculous accent.
NC: Trope #3: Screaming in that ridiculous accent.
Pencilhead: Trope #4... (He holds up the number four from earlier.)
NC: Hey, that's my favorite prop.
Pencilhead: Dressing up like an older man even though he looks fifteen.
NC: Oh, hold on a second. (clears throat) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and Nostalgia-ween has just begun! Okay! Trope #5: Martin Scorsese.
Pencilhead: Trope #6: Martin Scorsese.
NC: Trope #7: Trying his best to have you remember a performance by screaming, yelling, and crying all in the same scene...
Pencilhead: Directed by Martin Scorsese.
NC: (incoherent mumbling) That kind of goes without saying.
Pencilhead: This is fun.
(The camera cuts to the scene where Camp is driving Brett. The camera moves in on one of the "Happy Hour" tickets on the dashboard and compares the face on the ticket to the "Troll" meme.)
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