Max Payne

Max Payne
Aired	January 2, 2019
Running Time	28:45
Previous Review	Elf Bowling: The Movie
Next Review	TBA
Link	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysUp9fdtFI8

(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence (still 2018) play. Open on a shot of the new location, which has labels placed everywhere: "Green Room", "Kitchen", etc. A door opens and NC walks out into the main room)

Narrator (Doug): A new location, a new year, a new mystery to solve.

NC: Oh, no, we're not doing that.

Narrator: I... thought this was a review of Max Payne.

NC: It is.

Narrator: Doesn't Max Payne have a voiceover narration?

NC: (scoffs) That's only for the silly game. This is the movie; (holds up fist) we need to be a lot more serious! (suddenly looks up with a start) Oh, my God!

(From his view, he sees a wall of fire and behind it, an angel (played by Tamara) floating in the air)

NC: That dark, creepy angel I've been hallucinating!

Narrator: Wait, what?

NC: It must be related to that drug that makes people super-powerful!

Narrator: So...how's the narration too silly again?

NC: Enough with the jokes, voice! We have absolutely no sense of humor in this at all!

Narrator: Really? Because this already looks totally ridiculous.

NC: It can't be, because it's dark, and gray, and frowns, and grew, and dark coats, and gray! In fact, it's so gray, (runs off to his right to open the door to another room) even the walls are gray!

(It is revealed that NC's desk and chair reside in a separate room again. Its walls are gray-colored)

Narrator: Uh, you think that's such a good idea? People weirdly take their wall colors very seriously.

NC: Exactly! Everything must be taken seriously! And now, I must move on to the incredible mystery of what happened to Malcolm.

Narrator: Why? What did happen to Malcolm?

NC: (face close to camera) He got lost because our studio is too big.

(The camera travels all through the studio: the main room, the hallway, the door on the left, the door on the right, the costume room, the huge prop room...and then the costume room again, stopping at the sign on the wall that says "Damn, This Place Big". Back to NC)

Narrator: I bet you're gonna kick a lot of ass and take a lot of names.

NC: Yes!

(He sits behind the desk)

NC: If you mean sitting around and doing a lot of talking.

Narrator: I did not. How did you confuse the two?

NC: I'm sorry, voice, but this is how Max Payne is done now. (scoffs) What'd you think, it'd be a lot of one-liners, shooting in bullet time?

Narrator: Exactly that, yes.

NC: No! But we do have a PG-13 rating.

(Suddenly, a sound of somebody hanging up is heard, followed by a long beep)

NC: (bewildered) My head has a landline?

(The title for the 2008 movie Max Payne is shown, followed by clips. The footage from the original 2001 video game is also shown)

NC (vo): Based on the third-person shooter from 2001 about a detective getting revenge for his murdered family, Max Payne tries to capture the graphic novel style and story that made this one of the most kick-ass games when it came out. It had film noir dialogue, comic book artwork, a great sense of humor, and even bullet time when you could slow down the action whenever you wanted. Nowadays, that doesn't sound like much, but back then, it was a pretty big deal. A mere seven years too late, the film adaptation was released. And from the trailers, it looked like it was right on track. It looked over-the-top, dark, kind of goofy, but all badass. Is that what we actually got in this movie? Well, let's get this meme out of the way.

(Cut to an infamous scene from The Happening)

Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg): What? No!

NC: Let's see how Max Payne went to Max Pain...it's funnier if you see that spelled out...

(NC's word play appears as a caption)

NC (vo): Ha-haaa!

NC: Let's take a look at Max Pa-

(We abruptly cut to a parody of the game's loading screen, with NC in the foreground instead of Max)

NC (vo): Oh, sorry. I gotta wait for a second. (The loading line fills up)

NC: There we go. ...Payne.

(The film starts with a black screen)

Max (Mark Wahlberg): (narrating) I don't believe in heaven. I believe in pain.

NC: (giddy) Ooh! Someone saw (poster of...) Welcome to Marwen.

(It fades to the titular character, Detective Max Payne, drowning in the river water in slow-motion. More corpses are shown underwater)

NC (vo): To the movie's credit, it starts out pretty solid, with a voice-over narration, beautifully cliched dialogue, and a setup so overly dramatic, even (A clip from 1950's...) Sunset Boulevard will be telling him to buy a puppy.

Max: (narrating) I could feel the dead down there. Just below my feet.

(Fade to show a skyscraper of New York City Police Department, with sign (yes, sign) noting the following events had happened one week earlier)

NC (vo): You'll find it's a slow burn to assness, though, as we cut to the "One Week Earlier" building.

NC: I never get my packages on time there.

(Sergeant Adams and Lieutenant Jim Bravura (the latter played by Ludacris) enter the room, with another sigh "Cold Case Office" hanging above)

Adams (Philip Williams): This is the cold case office.

NC: Thanks, movie.

NC (vo): The sigh didn't tip me off.

NC: You can give me more hints if you want!

(Adams and Bravura look at Max Payne working at the office behind a glass window)

NC (vo; as Adams): That's a pen. That's a "Det. Max Payne". That's a file holder.

(Cut to a clip from Howard the Duck, showing the people in the bus driving away staring at the titular character)

Bus Passenger 1: That's a duck!

Bus Passenger 2: Who is that face?

Bus Passenger 1: That's a duck, man!

(Back to the movie; Bravura and Adams speak in the background while the tired Max gives instructions to the fellow police officer)

Bravura: So what's his story?

Adams: His wife and kid were murdered. They never found the guy.

NC: (chuckling) Wow! That was so much more powerful than...

(The footage of the gameplay, showing Max rushing to his bedroom to find his wife murdered, is shown)

NC (vo): ...showing it to us in the intro of the game! I got chills when he said that!

NC: In fact, if only the game could go back and incorporate that style to that big reveal!

Max (Game): (devastated) No, no, no, God, no, please... (Fade to a still shot of Max screaming...) NOOOOOOO!!!

(Cut back to the adaptation)

NC (vo; as Adams): He said, "No." It was sad. You want a coffee? We're out.

Adams: Remember when you were a kid and you'd hold your breath when you went past the graveyard?

NC: (winces in confusion) I think only you did that.

Adams: Just, uh...leave that man alone.

NC (vo): Hey, it's what the game designer said when they read the script!

(Cut to Max walking in a subway. The shot is slightly green-filtered. Max goes to the restroom to wash his hands, but he is followed by three gang members)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, in the...Max-trix, we see Payne is trying to get mugged so he can get some answers on a lead.

Jack Lupino (Amaury Nolasco): Yo, homie. That's a really nice watch. Kinda reminds me of the one I lost.

Max: You pawned it up on 128th a few hours ago.

Jack: (holds up a gun) You a cop or somethin'?

NC: ...Most thieves just rob people, but I find...

(As NC speaks, Max knocks the gun out of Jack's hands and fights the gang)

NC (vo): ...these guys give interesting and pleasant conversation. Though, they do take a long amount of time to actually commit the robbery increasing the chances of getting caught and/or distracted, so your personality-less protagonist can kick your ass...

NC: ...I'd still give four stars on Uber Thugs. (An pictures of the Uber app screen appears, showing the photo of Jack edited and four stars below with a caption "OK, but had an issue")

(After killing Jack, the guy called Kid runs off. Max holds the third member named Doug, played by Maxwell McCabe-Lokos, at gunpoint)

Max: (takes out a photo of his wife) Open your eyes. Have you ever seen this woman?

(Doug mutters something)

NC (vo; as Max): (as the photo of Michael Alig, played by Macaulay Culkin, from Party Monster is shown) By the way, I loved you in Party Monster.

NC: Seriously, underrated.

(Kid runs into a dark tunnel and becomes terrified upon seeing large shadows of winged creatures)

NC (vo): One of the thugs tries to run, as we see we're just beginning this terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries and goblins...

(Cut to a clip from The Critic episode "All the Duke's Men")

Lawyer: Mr. Welles.

Orson Welles (Maurice LaMarche): Fine, fine. No goblins.

NC (vo): These monsters are hallucinations in his head, as well as a good distraction from the train...

(Kid is promptly killed by a train coming. Next, we're shown Max knocking on the door. He is greeted by a man named Trevor (Andrew Friedman) dressed in a fashionable glasses and costume, and it's revealed there's a party going on inside)

NC (vo): ...as Max drops by the sleazeball from every movie you've ever seen in your life. Just call him Leisure Suit Lazy.

Max: I'm a little offended I didn't get my invitation.

Trevor: Well, I didn't send out invita...look, I told you. Go find Bill's partner.

NC: God, I love those parties...

(The shot zooms to a girl shaking her body on the left)

NC (vo): ...where people kind of dancing. Kind of talk. (as a girl) So it's a nice beat, right? Not full-on dancing, but "just kind of moving my shoulders" music. God, I need a boyfriend.

Max: (threateningly grabs Trevor by the ear) Listen. If you don't give me a new name, I'm gonna start frisking everyone of your friends.

NC: You noticed, by the way, Mark Wahlberg is operating at...half-Wahlberg?

NC (vo): He's not disinterested, but he's not really all that into it either.

Max: (various scenes) He's still out there somewhere! / What do you mean, "no"? What happened to her then? / It means that when you follow up on an unsolved murder, I don't have much hope for that girl in the alley.

NC (vo): He's somewhere in-between Planet of the Apes and that AT&T ad.

Max: My partner was killed, too. We're both looking for the same person.

(Cut to the 2017 commercial for AT&T showing Wahlberg walking in the street, with a big transformer robot, Jason Voorhees, college students, cheerleaders, and even Gumball Watterson from The Amazing World of Gumball walking together with him)

Mark Wahlberg: Our shows and movies? We want them when we want them. So they should go with us.

Gumball: Anywhere?

Mark Wahlberg: You got that right, kid show thing.

NC: If I'm more interested in him talking to Gumball about cable service, we have a problem.

(Trevor's acquaintance, Natasha Sax, comes to him and Max)

Natasha (Olga Kurylenko): I thought I knew all of Trevor's friends.

Trevor: Max, Natasha. Natasha, Max.

NC: She is... (shrugs) sp-Russian.

(Natasha's sister, Mona, is shown speaking to Trevor)

NC (vo): But they're interrupted by her sister, played by badass Mila Kunis...

NC: (laughing) Sorry. I can't say that without the giggles. (points at the camera) Don't act like you can!

NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, Mila Kunis can be a very good actress, even a great one. But like any performer, she needs to be cast in the right role... (A shot of The Wicked Witch of the West from Oz the Great and Powerful appears briefly) what the fuck?!...and trying to be an intimidating weapons expert at three-foot nothing, looking like Aubrey Plaza voicing Grumpy Cat, sounding like Meg Griffin, isn't gonna cringe any spines.

Mona: (in a later scene, to Max) Kneel down. Kneel the fuck down! We need to talk about my sister.

NC: Though, I'm not gonna lie...she does look pretty cool...

(The 2015 ad for Jim Beam bourbon is shown, with Mila Kunis in a room full of barrels)

NC (vo): ...next to a Jim Beam barrel.

Mila Kunis: ...for a true Kentucky straight Bourbon.

NC: (shakes head) Christ, why is that hot?