Mary Poppins Returns

Mary Poppins Returns
Released	May 29, 2019
Running Time	45:45
Previous Review	Man on the Moon
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Link	http://channelawesome.com/mary-poppins-returns-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence play)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about one of my favorite movies of all time, Mary Poppins. No, let's not, because... why?

(Footage of Mary Poppins is shown)

NC (vo): There's nothing I can say about how awesome this movie is that millions of people haven't said already. It's a masterpiece of beautifully matched contradictions. It's colorful and obvious, yet dark and mysterious. It's energized and happy, yet slow-moving and patient. It has one of the worst fake accents of all time coming out of one of the most likeable characters of all time. It has some of the best songs ever written, sung by some of the best performances ever given, so much money, effects, care and effort from two polar opposite creative geniuses for an innocent little kids' story. Fred Rogers used to say it seems better to be deep and simple than shallow and complex. This movie seems like the definition of deep and simple, a one-of-a-kind mashing that can never be duplicated.

NC: But because we like to award Disney slumming it, (Posters of the various recent live-action Disney remakes are shown) let's try anyway!

(The title for Mary Poppins Returns is shown, before also showing its clips)

NC (vo): Mary Poppins Returns is the latest of a long line of unnecessary Disney sequels/reboots. You might be wondering, "Well, which one is it? Sequel or reboot?" Fear not, it sucks at both. Made 54 years after the original premiered, this was an attempt to recapture the magic and fresh ideas of the timeless classic. I guess it's not a complete loss of an idea. After all, there were more Mary Poppins books. There was even a hit Disney Broadway musical that had the author, P.L. Travers, overseeing the production.

NC: (chuckles) Don't worry, though. It doesn't try any of those smart ideas.

NC (vo): It instead tries to continue the story with a brand-new tale that somehow does the exact same thing the original did, except bad, and stupid, and bad.

NC: Well, I'm not accepting any Mary Poppins that isn't practically perfect in every way! That's why I'm calling in some very special help. (Whimsical music starts to play, as NC becomes entranced) Subtly beautiful music? That could only mean...!

(He runs over to a window to look outside. In the sky, Mary Poppins (Tamara) is floating downwards on her umbrella. The sight of Mary Poppins makes NC extremely happy)

NC: It's Mary Poppins! The original Mary Poppins!

(Giggling, he runs over to the front door as Mary Poppins comes in. NC remains in a giddy mood whenever Poppins is present)

Mary Poppins (Original): Hello, Nostalgia Critic.

NC: Hello, Mary Poppins!

Poppins (Original): Fix your posture. We're not sloths.

(NC stands up straight)

NC: Sorry, Mary Poppins.

Poppins (Original): There's a good boy. (Strokes NC's cheek and lightly slaps it, causing NC to squeal in delight) Right, I hear someone's smearing my good name.

NC: Yes, right in there.

Poppins (Original): All right, let's go. Spit-spot!

(She walks away)

NC: Oh, she said "spit-spot"!

(Poppins and NC walk into the review room, where Poppins puts down her suitcase and notices the film starting, showing the Disney logo in a gray London setting)

Poppins (Original) (vo): Oh, they think they're being unique by changing the logo again.

Poppins (Original): You know, if you do that too many times, it's just not unique anymore, is it?

NC: No, Mary Poppins.

Poppins (Original): Let's change that right up.

(She brings out an old typewriter from her suitcase and sets it down on the table. NC turns to the camera, still amazed)

NC: Wow!

Poppins (Original): (typing on the typewriter) First, we'll put the logo back to the way it originally was. You don't have to rely on cheap gimmicks when you're actually good.

NC: Or practically perfect in every way!

Poppins (Original): Quiet, now.

NC: Yeah, cool.

Poppins (Original): Now, what's this?

(The film's first scene is briefly shown, showing a lamplighter named Jack lighting several lampposts in 1930s London, and then showing the opening credits)

Poppins (Original) (vo): Lin-Manuel sings a song about lighting lamps, and then it cuts to paintings behind the opening credits.

Poppins (Original): Well, that's peculiar. Shouldn't that be the other way around so that it flows better?

NC: Why...I suppose it would! (Poppins resumes typing) Oh, Mary Poppins, you really do fix everything!

(Suddenly, comical-sounding violin music is heard, confusing NC and Poppins)

Poppins (Original): Good gracious, what is that?

NC: It sounds like an annoyingly dumbed-down score that's confused for whimsical. (Gasps in horror) That could only mean...! (Runs out of the room and towards the front door, where Poppins is somehow already standing there) How did you get here?

Poppins (Original): I've always been here. Now, where is that dreadful music coming from?

(The front door opens to reveal a sinister version of Mary Poppins (Aiyanna), wearing the clothes of Emily Blunt's Poppins)

Poppins (Sinister): Hello, Mary.

Poppins (Original): Well, if it isn't Poppins 2.0..

Poppins 2.0.: I understand you want to change our Disney formula.

NC: Hey, hey, you stay out of this, Reboot...quel! We're trying to fix what you botched up!

Poppins 2.0.: A lot of things have changed since you last showed up, Mary. Disney is more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Poppins (Original): Powerful enough to steal from Star Wars?

Poppins 2.0.: We own Star Wars.

Poppins (Original): (legitimately impressed) Oh, very impressive.

NC: Hey, we don't care how much you own. You can't recapture the magic of dancing chimney sweeps...

Poppins (Original): Tea parties on ceilings...

NC: ...and snapping to get a job well done!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, well, now in Disney, when you snap your fingers, something very different happens.

(She prepares to snap her fingers)

NC: No, don't do it! (Poppins 2.0. snaps her fingers, causing the original Poppins to turn into dust and be wiped out of existence, much to NC's horror) MARY!! NOOOOOOO!! (Falls to the ground in despair)

Poppins 2.0.: Well, she was practically boring in every way.

NC: (looks up in anger) She was a timeless TREASURE!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, please. She was from the 60s. Children have no interest in seeing anything from an age with no cell phones. She needs an update, and I...am...that...update.

NC: You have no idea what children want!

Poppins 2.0.: We're Disney. We tell them what we want.

(Having revealed herself to have apparently seized control of Disney in NC's world, she looks at NC's DVD shelf, which has several classic Disney movies on it. NC looks on in horror as the classic movies are wiped out of existence as well)

NC: No! Lion King! Dumbo! Aladdin! Sleeping Beauty!

Poppins 2.0.: All replaced, my dear boy. (The DVD covers of all those vanished films' live-action remakes, even the upcoming Lion King remake, are now shown on NC's shelf) Mmm, it feels so scrumptious.

NC: You can't just erase these timeless classics like they never existed!

Poppins 2.0.: I already have. Now get on with the review. And don't try to alter the Disney formula, because if you do, I have a lovely ashtray with your name on it. Spit-spot.

(As sad piano music plays, a completely sad NC gives into Poppins 2.0.'s demands and slowly, bending down, walks back into his room to start the review)

NC: This...is the new and improved... (Speaks in a high-pitched voice as he starts to cry) ...Mary Poppins.

(We go back to Jack lighting the lamps around London)

NC (vo): As mentioned before, a semi-Bert named Jack, played by Lin-Manuel Miranda, sings a song about being a lamplighter.

Jack: (singing while riding on his bike) For you're underneath the lovely London sky... (He rides past St Paul's Cathedral, and on its stairs lies...a really familiar figure)

NC: (astonished) Oh, my God, is the bird lady dead?! That's a happy start!

NC (vo; as a bird lady): I'm still feeding the birds. Just with my lifeless corpse.

Jack: (singing) Since you dreamed the night away, / Tomorrow's here, it's called today.

NC: Honestly, the one thing I love in this movie that weirdly gets a lot of flak...is the songs.

(Several song numbers in this movie are shown)

NC (vo): Yes, they're heavily mimicking the lyrics and melodies from the original, even down to the same order they're being played, but it's likely that's what composer Marc Shaiman was asked to do. "Give us another 'Chim-Chiminey', give us another 'Supercalifragilistic'", and so on. It's stupid that Disney wanted an imitation instead of something new, but with that said, they are good imitations. Clearly familiar, but still clever and hummable. Even if some of the singers go Michael Crawford on the last note.

Jack: (singing slowly on the high notes) London sky...

NC: (chuckling) He's turning into Kevin McCallister from Home Alone 2.

(The clip of Kevin from this movie performing in a choir at a Christmas pageant, with Buzz putting two candles next to his ears behind him, is shown as the audio of Jack singing this line is played again)

NC: (in tears, as the shot of Kevin hugging the pigeon lady appears) His bird lady is still alive!

(The movie's title is immediately shown with the oil paintings of London at night serving as the background)

NC (vo): Through no seque whatsoever, we're given the opening credits...which clearly should have looked like this... (The title of the film is shown in the style of the beginning for Batman Returns, with the Penguin's cradle in the sewer as the background)

NC: (as the picture of Catwoman with Mary's face Photoshopped on it appears) Don't get me started on how Poppins should have looked.

(We're shown the siblings Michael and Jane Banks, played by Ben Whishaw and Emily Mortimer, returning home, where their remaining housekeeper Ellen, played by Julie Walters, resides, along with Michael's three kids: Annabel, John and Georgie)

NC (vo): ...as we see, like in the first one, the Banks' home in disarray.

Ellen: The bloody sink's exploded!

Jane: Oh, dear.

Michael: (rushing to the room) Oh, not again.

NC: (scoffs) That classic problem.

NC (vo): We see Jane and Michael have grown up, with Michael looking after the house with his three children: Boy #1, Boy #2 and Girl. I call them that because they have so little personality, it's not even worth mentioning their names for you to forget. Literally, any of their lines could be switched out with the other sibling, and it wouldn't make a difference.

John: Well, we have grown up a good deal in the past year, after all.

NC: Oh, now, wait a minute. I'm pretty sure that's a Boy #2 line.

Georgie: And why didn't Father believe you flew here on a kite?

NC: Well, now that seems out of character. That's clearly something Girl would say.

Annabel: So, you're staying?

NC: (chuckles, arms akimbo) Well, that's such a character inconsistency. Fits you right for the final season of (title of...) Game of Thrones! (Beat) Topical.

(Hamilton Gooding and Templeton Frye (Jeremy Swift and Kobna Holdbrook-Smith), the lawyers from the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank, where Michael works, appear at the house to warn Michael the new chairman Wilkins will repossess his house if the loan is not repaid in full)

NC (vo): Two lawyers from the bank show up, though, saying Michael's house is in danger of being repossessed.

Gooding: You took out a loan with the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank last year against the value of your home.

Frye: It's hard enough these days, isn't it?

Gooding: Yes. Well... Shh.

NC (vo; in a booming voice): (as the big caption appears, saying...) RACIST! (normal) So, I hope you enjoy a lot of bank talk with no songs. It's just a mere 10 minutes of seat-squirming boredom your kids have to get through.

(Various scenes of Michael and Jane's talk with the lawyers are shown)

Gooding: The bank is now demanding that you pay back the entire loan...

Michael: (to Jane) With Kate and the bills piling up, I really had no choice.

Gooding: You have fallen three months behind...

Michael: But I work for Fidelity Fiduciary.

Gooding: Not as an accountant. / It's all in the contract.

Jane: Your father left your shares in the bank.

Gooding: Do you have the share certificate? The document proving you own shares in the bank.

Frye: I do hope you find that share certificate.

Gooding: If you are unable to pay in full...

NC: (as a little kid) Mommy, are they gonna talk about comparing interest rates and costs of property? (as the mother, offscreen) Well, they just might, dear. (as a little kid, throws arms out) Mary Poppins!

(The clips of the opening scene of the original movie are shown)

NC (vo): Something you'll notice quickly is the movie has no momentum. The first one opened with a lot of talking inside the house, too, but it was active, funny, moving, with songs, dance numbers. Even though they were talking about stuff kids would find boring, they made it entertaining.

(Back to the 2018 movie)

NC (vo): Here, what they're talking about is boring, and it feels boring. The only movement we get is Admiral Boom, played this time by David Warner, setting off his cannon, rocking the house...which we've already seen, done a lot better the first time they did it! Even when we do finally get a song, it's a slow, downer song, which doesn't feel earned because we've already been watching ten minutes of slow, downer stuff.

(Michael goes up to the attic and looks out the window)

Michael: (singing) Winter has gone, but not from this room...

NC (vo): In both versions, Poppins arrives around the same time... (The comparison of Mary's arrival in the two movies is shown, with 21-minute mark in the 2018 film and 23-minute mark in the original film) In fact, it's eerie how close it is...but this version feels so much longer. Maybe if there was something new or challenging being talked about, that would make up for a little bit. But we have a bank that wants to take away their home, a trope so old it's in The Three Stooges game... (The shot from this game is shown, showing the titlular characters next to Ma's Orphanage that is out of money) ...three interchangeable kids seem perfectly well-behaved and get along with their dad...isn't that exciting new territory?...and, apparently, there's a dead mother, which we have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever seen before.

(As NC speaks the last sentence, several posters of Disney movies are shown at high pace: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Bambi, Finding Nemo, The Fox and the Hound, Frozen, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Ratatouille, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Brother Bear, Aladdin, Cinderella, Pocahontas, The Rescuers, The Jungle Book, The Sword in the Stone, Lilo and Stitch, Tarzan, Oliver and Company, The Emperor's New Groove, The Great Mouse Detective, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Chicken Little and Dinosaur)

NC (vo): So, clearly, all this slow-moving tedium is warranted!

Michael: (takes out a green kite) Why on earth did we save this old broken thing?

Jane: Don't you remember that kite?

NC: (as Jane) Father made it the minute he almost offed himself! Ah, good memories.

(Michael puts the box of the old stuff from the attic outside. Georgie, while out in the park with Annabel and John, sees the kite in the box, takes it and attempts to fly it)

NC (vo): When Poppins does finally show up, even that's a little weird. The kite flies away, and one of the kids chases after it, but the music sounds less like a magical friend is about to appear and more like the Empire is gonna blow up planet Earth!

(As Georgie manages to get the kite up in the air, the wind starts getting stronger, and thus, the music is sounding more menacing and dramatic. Cut to the clip from Star Wars: A New Hope, showing Alderaan being destroyed after it's hit by the ray of Death Star. Back to the movie, Jack sees Georgie getting carried away by the kite)

Jack: Hold on!

Georgie: Help me! (screams as Jack takes hold of his foot)

NC: (as Jack) Kite-eating tree, you will have no more child skeletons in your branches!

(The wind stops as Mary Poppins, played by Emily Blunt, wearing a blue coat and red hat, descends from the sky with the kite in her hand)

NC (vo): The kite, though, is retrieved by Poppins, played by Emily Blunt after robbing (picture of...) Agent Carter's wardrobe at gunpoint.

Mary: You need to be more careful when the wind rises, Georgie. You nearly lost your kite.

NC (vo): Wait. The little boy's name is Georgie?

NC: (trying not to laugh) Well, we all know what really should have been at the end of that string.

(The clip of Mary descending from the sky is shown, but with her being replaced by 2017's Pennywise the clown coming down with a load of red balloons)

NC (vo; as Pennywise): Hiya, Georgie!

Jack: I was just your age when we first met, working for a chimney sweep.

Mary: How is dear old Bert?

Jack: Traveling the world, he is. Off to points unknown.

NC: (as Mary) He's high, isn't he? (as Jack) Every day.

Mary: This family is clearly in desperate need of a nanny. (Annabel and John exchange the confused looks) Now, quick march and best foot forward, and I'll thank you not to dawdle. (leaves to the Banks' front entrance)

NC (vo): So remember, kids: when two strangers say they're going to force their way into your life and home, it's best just to go with it.

(Mary enters the house with the same strict expression on her face, to Michael and Jane's surprise)

Mary: I would have hoped I taught you better.

Michael: Good heavens.

NC: (as Mary) Nope, from the other place.

NC (vo): As you can tell from this creepy mirror shot...

(While speaking, Mary looks at herself through the mirror. When she goes away from the mirror, the reflection remains and glances at Mary leaving, raising an eyebrow)

NC: Seriously, just replace it with horror music, and it's kind of terrifying!

(The scene is repeated, but with a menacing brass sting put over)

NC: Either that, or she's checking herself out.

NC (vo; as Mary's reflection): Mmm, that is Britain's ass. (normal) Blunt is honestly pretty good as Poppins, and...really, to be fair, most of the actors do a good job with what they're given. But the motivations rarely make sense.

NC: For example, Poppins says this...

Mary: I've come to look after the Banks children.

Annabel: Us?!

Mary: Oh, yes. You, too.

NC (vo): ...obviously indicating she's mainly there to help Michael and Jane.

NC: But...she almost never talks to them.

NC (vo): Maybe the idea is, through the kids, she helps them out by making them better people, but...the kids seem fine. I dare even say, so unoffensive, they never make an impact on us.

John: (to Mary, in the bathroom) But I don't like soap bubbles.

NC: God, that's so Boy #2!

(Some clips focusing on Michael's children are shown)

NC (vo): Wouldn't it make more sense if the kids were more like adults taking care of things, and Mary Poppins has to teach them how to have fun again, thus forcing Michael to act more like an adult? I mean, we see a second of something like that, starting with the kids calling the plumber and running an errand later, but...that's about it. If there are other scenes, they're not properly explored, meaning there isn't enough to give them a proper identity, or even what should be the main conflict of the film much of an identity. Why not really flesh them out so this makes more sense?

(Poppins 2.0 appears at the door)

Poppins 2.0: Did someone say this film's not practically perfect in every way?

NC: Yeah. You start off with good ideas, but never follow all the way through. Why don't you make the kids too bratty or too sophisticated? You don't give him an arc!

Poppins 2.0: Because that would go against the Disney formula.

(She takes out a spoon and a bottle that has the words "Disney Formula" printed on its label. Note: on its back side, there is toat of arms of Russia for some reason)

NC: What?

Poppins 2.0: (comes to NC's desk, pouring the formula in the spoon) The children were simple and likeable in the first film, so now it's part the Disney formula will give you forever.

NC: Well, you're not shoving that Disney formula down my-

(Poppins 2.0 instantly puts the spoon into NC's mouth with cartoony sound effects. He smacks his lips, feeling disgusted)

NC: Ew. Recycled plot points. (He is forced to taste the formula again) Unimaginative story.

Poppins 2.0: (tastes it herself and smiles) Rushed script. (goes to the door)

NC: You know, just because you make crappy new ones doesn't mean we'll forget how good the originals are!

Poppins 2.0: (turns back to NC) Oh, dear. (puts the fingers up) Is someone ready to snap?

NC: (worried) No, I'm good.

Poppins 2.0: Lovely. I've got my eye on you, Critic.

(She leaves the room, not pulling her eyes away from NC...then she sticks out her hand with two eyeballs between index and middle fingers! NC lets out a high gasp, startled)

Poppins 2.0: (whispering and moving the ring and little fingers) Spit-spot.

(The hand slowly goes behind the door)

NC: (shaking in fear) I'm-a scared of Poppins.

(Michael's children dive in the bath Mary has prepared and find themselves swimming under and above the sea along with Mary)

NC (vo): Mary gives the kids a bath and a musical number that's honestly fine. It's not as groundbreaking as some of the other numbers in the original Poppins, but it's still a good song with some nice visuals.

Mary: (singing as they swim past the giant rubber ducky) Some people like to dive right in, / Can you imagine that?

NC: Hey, this really is Batman Returns! (The shot of the Penguin arriving on a rubber ducky from this film is shown) When does the Penguin bite Georgie's nose?

NC (vo): The only thing kind of odd is, despite Blunt doing a pretty good acting job and not just an imitation of Andrews, her sternness is well played, but her smiling moments usually seem off. Something about Andrews pulled off, both strict scenes and delighted scenes so perfectly. Blunt always looks like she's gonna kill someone whenever she smiles. It's never quite believable.

(Cut to a scene where Mary sits in the bathtub, looking right at the camera and giving a smile. The dramatic brass sting is put over this moment, as well as the glowing red eyes)

Mary: Off we go. (dives in the tub)

NC: (hands crossed) Also, you totally missed...

(The children and Mary swim past the sunken pirate ship. Two shots from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End are shown, described by NC)

NC (vo): ...a Jack Sparrow cameo licking his own brain in front of a hanging little boy.

(The Disney logo is shown as NC hums its tune. Mary and the kids return to the living room and see it's in a mess: Michael and Jane have searched everywhere for their father's shares)

NC (vo): Afterwards, the kids try to tell Michael about their adventures, but he's upset because he can't find the shares his father put away to help them in case a financial crisis like this happened.

Michael: I don't mean to be cross with all of you. I...I've just lost something very important.

NC: Oh, this is gonna be symbolic of how they lost a family member and how their anxiety over the finances are really tied to that...

Jane: And we're going to find it. I'm sure your grandfather...

NC (vo): Or we don't do that. Could have...really explored something meaningful there and found unique ways to deal with loss...but screw it, it's much easier just to say one bad guy is causing all your problems!

(The bank's chairman, William Wilkins, played by Colin Firth, is first shown)

Wilkins: Who'd have thought this slump would be so good for business, eh?

NC (vo): Colin Firth plays a snobby British bad guy...

NC: Imagine... (The screenshot of W Magazine's "7 Times Colin Firth Killed as a Movie Villain" is shown)

(Michael and Jane visit Wilkins' office and ask for the proof of the shares)

NC (vo): ...as Jane and Michael try to ask for proof of their stock, but it seems he can't locate it. Guess what, kids? More bank talk! (The sound effect of children cheering is heard)

Wilkins: Regarding an extension, there's very little I can do.

Michael: Our father did leave us shares in the bank. / You wouldn't happen to have any record of Father's shares, would you?

Wilkins: Doesn't seem to be a listing for George Banks here. / (on the phone, to his secretary, Ms. Farthing) Bring in all of George Banks' old files, would you?

NC: Okay, the other Poppins film had the bank as a boring place, too, but it was...entertainingly boring, cleverly boring!

(The Fidelity Fiduciary Bank and its workers, as shown in the original movie, are shown in clips)

NC (vo): There were songs, there was choreography, there were funny characters. It was fun to watch as a child, even if you didn't know the details of what they were talking about. This one is long-winded, slow, and no kid in the right mind would follow it. In the first film, you get it. Michael wants his money to feed the birds and his father wants him to put it away. Done. Easy. No kid would be able to follow any of this boring as hell technical talk!

NC: Tell me which one of these a kid, or even an adult, for that matter, would probably prefer watching!

(Cut to the 1964 movie)

Bank workers and Mr. Banks: (singing) And you'll achieve that sense of stature...

(Cut to the 2018 movie)

Wilkins: (on the phone, to Ms. Farthing) Bring in the shareholder's ledger, would you, Ms. Farthing?

Farthing: (via phone) Right away, Mr. Wilkins. (Wilkins puts down the phone)

(Back to the 1964 film, the bank workers and Mr. Dawes, Sr. walk around the hall in really small steps and bow to each other as the grand orchestral score is heard. Cut back to the 2018 film)

Jane: Mr. Dawes, Jr, he'd know if Father received shares, wouldn't he?

Wilkins: (glances at Mr. Dawes, Jr.'s portrait) Dear old Uncle Dawes is getting on in years. Which, sadly, is why I had to take over for him.

(Durning Wilkins' speaking, NC is shown to be drowsing, but an electric police baton appears on his left and shocks him, snapping him out of it)

NC: Sorry, I...I...died for a minute. (waves hands happily) Mary Poppins!

NC (vo): On top of that, there's a big difference between a villain and an antagonist. In the first film, the bank is the antagonist. Here, it's the villain. The bank in the first movie is not evil. They think they're doing good by helping Michael invest. The idea is Michael is too young to be thinking of things like that. He should be allowed to still be a kid and spend what little he has on something ethical. Learning morality is the most important at that age. Then, when he's a little older he can start saving up with the responsibility of knowing what's truly important. Mr. Banks isn't evil, he just lost track of what's important. Even Mr. Dawes isn't evil. He could have just taken the kids' money by force, but he waits for him to open his hand, trying to convince Michael if he handed it over. He's sneaky, but he doesn't think he's doing wrong.

(In the 2018 film, Wilkins burns the page from the ledger in the fireplace after Michael and Jane leaves)

NC (vo): This guy clearly knows he's doing wrong, crumpling up the proof that can save Michael's house and burning it.

(Cut to the clip of Wilkins speaking with Gooding and Frye)

Wilkins: And lose our chance to get that house? I don't like to lose, Mr. Frye.

(We cut back between the clips of both movies)

NC (vo): Yeah, whatever problems you're going through, don't try to understand it by seeing things from a different point of view; it's just some bad guy out there! You're just good, he's just bad, and any soul-searching about understanding others that could bring people closer together?

NC: Supercali-blow that shit! There's just bad guys! And you found him! Problem solved! (points at the 1964's film's poster) Why was this a classic again?!

NC (vo): Oh, because they didn't have an "us versus their mentality"? (scoffs sarcastically) Stupid mature crap! (Aloysius O'Hare from 2012's The Lorax is shown) Lorax was a hit, you idiots! Bad guy it is!

(NC suddenly sees Poppins 2.0's hand popping out of the door and preparing to snap its fingers)

NC: (shivering, giving a nervous smile) I mean, it's...practically perfect in every way.

Poppins 2.0: (offscreen, whispering while moving the hand away) Snappy-snap...

(NC, scared out of his wits, makes a croaking groan that sounds similar to the word "Help". Back to the movie, at night, Mary comes to the balcony to greet Jack)

Mary: Oh, hello, Jack.

Jack: Mary Poppins, how are you this fine evening?

NC: (as Jack) You know, Burt told me about you. Always friend-zoning, right?

(Annabel and John decide to sell their mother's "priceless" bowl to pay off the debt. Georgie tries to stop them, and the bowl becomes damaged while the three fight over it)

NC (vo): The kids break a ceramic bowl that could possibly be sold to get money for the house. Hey, why don't you start by selling those kids' robes you don't need? Christ, half the stuff in this mansion could probably pay off two houses!

(Mary and Jack observe the children arguing over who broke the bowl...and then everybody hears the two voices coming out of the bowl)

Voice 1: Actually, it was all three of them.

John: The bowl is speaking!

Voice 2: It's useless now.

Voice 1: Useless as a chocolate teapot.

NC: (as Mary) It's a well-known fact ceramic bowls sound like 1920s radio.

(After seeing the picture of the dog coachman next to his broken carriage on the bowl, Mary, Jack and the kids take a trip into a painting, finding themselves in the traditionally animated world)

NC (vo): Time to do the sidewalk thing.

Mary: Now, tread lightly. (slides down the hill) This is fine porcelain, and we don't want to chip the glaze.

NC: (as Mary) It's a chamber pot, too, so it might wreak like Georgie's bedsheets. (as Georgie, offscreen) Hey!

(The kids, Mary and Jack meet the animated dog coachman named Seamus, voiced by Chris O'Dowd, and see the broken wheel of his carriage)

John: But he's...

Seamus: That's right. I'm Irish.

Georgie: I want a carriage ride!

Mary: Seamus, would you mind?

Seamus: Not in the least.

NC (vo; as Seamus): I, the Irish dog, would be more than happy to drive the English wherever they like. (in a booming voice) RACIST!

(Everybody travels around the bowl on Seamus' carriage)

All: (singing) Royal Doulton Music Hall!

Seamus: Here we are!

(They stop to see an empty space)

Annabel: But where's the music hall?

NC: (as Mary) I blew it up. They wanted a cover charge, so I covered them in ashes.