Mary Poppins Returns

Mary Poppins Returns
Released	May 29, 2019
Running Time	45:45
Previous Review	Man on the Moon
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/mary-poppins-returns-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence play)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about one of my favorite movies of all time, Mary Poppins. No, let's not, because... why?

(Footage of Mary Poppins is shown)

NC (vo): There's nothing I can say about how awesome this movie is that millions of people haven't said already. It's a masterpiece of beautifully matched contradictions. It's colorful and obvious, yet dark and mysterious. It's energized and happy, yet slow-moving and patient. It has one of the worst fake accents of all time coming out of one of the most likeable characters of all time. It has some of the best songs ever written, sung by some of the best performances ever given, so much money, effects, care and effort from two polar opposite creative geniuses for an innocent little kids' story. Fred Rogers used to say it seems better to be deep and simple than shallow and complex. This movie seems like the definition of deep and simple, a one-of-a-kind mashing that can never be duplicated.

NC: But because we like to award Disney slumming it, (Posters of the various recent live-action Disney remakes are shown) let's try anyway!

(The title for Mary Poppins Returns is shown, before also showing its clips)

NC (vo): Mary Poppins Returns is the latest of a long line of unnecessary Disney sequels/reboots. You might be wondering, "Well, which one is it? Sequel or reboot?" Fear not, it sucks at both. Made 54 years after the original premiered, this was an attempt to recapture the magic and fresh ideas of the timeless classic. I guess it's not a complete loss of an idea. After all, there were more Mary Poppins books. There was even a hit Disney Broadway musical that had the author, P.L. Travers, overseeing the production.

NC: (chuckles) Don't worry, though. It doesn't try any of those smart ideas.

NC (vo): It instead tries to continue the story with a brand-new tale that somehow does the exact same thing the original did, except bad, and stupid, and bad.

NC: Well, I'm not accepting any Mary Poppins that isn't practically perfect in every way! That's why I'm calling in some very special help. (Whimsical music starts to play, as NC becomes entranced) Subtly beautiful music? That could only mean...!

(He runs over to a window to look outside. In the sky, Mary Poppins (Tamara) is floating downwards on her umbrella. The sight of Mary Poppins makes NC extremely happy)

NC: It's Mary Poppins! The original Mary Poppins!

(Giggling, he runs over to the front door as Mary Poppins comes in. NC remains in a giddy mood whenever Poppins is present)

Mary Poppins (Original): Hello, Nostalgia Critic.

NC: Hello, Mary Poppins!

Poppins (Original): Fix your posture. We're not sloths.

(NC stands up straight)

NC: Sorry, Mary Poppins.

Poppins (Original): There's a good boy. (Strokes NC's cheek and lightly slaps it, causing NC to squeal in delight) Right, I hear someone's smearing my good name.

NC: Yes, right in there.

Poppins (Original): All right, let's go. Spit-spot!

(She walks away)

NC: Oh, she said "spit-spot"!

(Poppins and NC walk into the review room, where Poppins puts down her suitcase and notices the film starting, showing the Disney logo in a gray London setting)

Poppins (Original) (vo): Oh, they think they're being unique by changing the logo again.

Poppins (Original): You know, if you do that too many times, it's just not unique anymore, is it?

NC: No, Mary Poppins.

Poppins (Original): Let's change that right up.

(She brings out an old typewriter from her suitcase and sets it down on the table. NC turns to the camera, still amazed)

NC: Wow!

Poppins (Original): (typing on the typewriter) First, we'll put the logo back to the way it originally was. You don't have to rely on cheap gimmicks when you're actually good.

NC: Or practically perfect in every way!

Poppins (Original): Quiet, now.

NC: Yeah, cool.

Poppins (Original): Now, what's this?

(The film's first scene is briefly shown, showing a lamplighter named Jack lighting several lampposts in 1930s London, and then showing the opening credits)

Poppins (Original) (vo): Lin-Manuel sings a song about lighting lamps, and then it cuts to paintings behind the opening credits.

Poppins (Original): Well, that's peculiar. Shouldn't that be the other way around so that it flows better?

NC: Why...I suppose it would! (Poppins resumes typing) Oh, Mary Poppins, you really do fix everything!

(Suddenly, comical-sounding violin music is heard, confusing NC and Poppins)

Poppins (Original): Good gracious, what is that?

NC: It sounds like an annoyingly dumbed-down score that's confused for whimsical. (Gasps in horror) That could only mean...! (Runs out of the room and towards the front door, where Poppins is somehow already standing there) How did you get here?

Poppins (Original): I've always been here. Now, where is that dreadful music coming from?

(The front door opens to reveal a sinister version of Mary Poppins (Aiyanna), wearing the clothes of Emily Blunt's Poppins)

Poppins (Sinister): Hello, Mary.

Poppins (Original): Well, if it isn't Poppins 2.0..

Poppins 2.0.: I understand you want to change our Disney formula.

NC: Hey, hey, you stay out of this, Reboot...quel! We're trying to fix what you botched up!

Poppins 2.0.: A lot of things have changed since you last showed up, Mary. Disney is more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Poppins (Original): Powerful enough to steal from Star Wars?

Poppins 2.0.: We own Star Wars.

Poppins (Original): (legitimately impressed) Oh, very impressive.

NC: Hey, we don't care how much you own. You can't recapture the magic of dancing chimney sweeps...

Poppins (Original): Tea parties on ceilings...

NC: ...and snapping to get a job well done!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, well, now in Disney, when you snap your fingers, something very different happens.

(She prepares to snap her fingers)

NC: No, don't do it! (Poppins 2.0. snaps her fingers, causing the original Poppins to turn into dust and be wiped out of existence, much to NC's horror) MARY!! NOOOOOOO!! (Falls to the ground in despair)

Poppins 2.0.: Well, she was practically boring in every way.

NC: (looks up in anger) She was a timeless TREASURE!

Poppins 2.0.: Oh, please. She was from the 60s. Children have no interest in seeing anything from an age with no cell phones. She needs an update, and I...am...that...update.

NC: You have no idea what children want!

Poppins 2.0.: We're Disney. We tell them what we want.

(Having revealed herself to have apparently seized control of Disney in NC's world, she looks at NC's DVD shelf, which has several classic Disney movies on it. NC looks on in horror as the classic movies are wiped out of existence as well)

NC: No! Lion King! Dumbo! Aladdin! Sleeping Beauty!

Poppins 2.0.: All replaced, my dear boy. (The DVD covers of all those vanished films' live-action remakes, even the upcoming Lion King remake, are now shown on NC's shelf) Mmm, it feels so scrumptious.

NC: You can't just erase these timeless classics like they never existed!

Poppins 2.0.: I already have. Now get on with the review. And don't try to alter the Disney formula, because if you do, I have a lovely ashtray with your name on it. Spit-spot.

(As sad piano music plays, a completely sad NC gives into Poppins 2.0.'s demands and slowly, bending down, walks back into his room to start the review)

NC: This...is the new and improved... (Speaks in a high-pitched voice as he starts to cry) ...Mary Poppins.

(We go back to Jack lighting the lamps around London)

NC (vo): As mentioned before, a semi-Bert named Jack, played by Lin-Manuel Miranda, sings a song about being a lamplighter.

Jack: (singing while riding on his bike) For you're underneath the lovely London sky... (He rides past St Paul's Cathedral, and on its stairs lies...a really familiar figure)

NC: (astonished) Oh, my God, is the bird lady dead?! That's a happy start!

NC (vo; as a bird lady): I'm still feeding the birds. Just with my lifeless corpse.

Jack: (singing) Since you dreamed the night away, / Tomorrow's here, it's called today.

NC: Honestly, the one thing I love in this movie that weirdly gets a lot of flak...is the songs.

(Several song numbers in this movie are shown)

NC (vo): Yes, they're heavily mimicking the lyrics and melodies from the original, even down to the same order they're being played, but it's likely that's what composer Marc Shaiman was asked to do. "Give us another 'Chim-Chiminey', give us another 'Supercalifragilistic'", and so on. It's stupid that Disney wanted an imitation instead of something new, but with that said, they are good imitations. Clearly familiar, but still clever and hummable. Even if some of the singers go Michael Crawford on the last note.

Jack: (singing slowly on the high notes) London sky...

NC: (chuckling) He's turning into Kevin McCallister from Home Alone 2.

(The clip of Kevin from this movie performing in a choir at a Christmas pageant, with Buzz putting two candles next to his ears behind him, is shown as the audio of Jack singing this line is played again)

NC: (in tears, as the shot of Kevin hugging the pigeon lady appears) His bird lady is still alive!

(The movie's title is immediately shown with the oil paintings of London at night serving as the background)

NC (vo): Through no seque whatsoever, we're given the opening credits...which clearly should have looked like this... (The title of the film is shown in the style of the beginning for Batman Returns, with the Penguin's cradle in the sewer as the background)

NC: (as the picture of Catwoman with Mary's face Photoshopped on it appears) Don't get me started on how Poppins should have looked.

(We're shown the siblings Michael and Jane Banks, played by Ben Whishaw and Emily Mortimer, returning home, where their remaining housekeeper Ellen, played by Julie Walters, resides, along with Michael's three kids: Annabel, John and Georgie)

NC (vo): ...as we see, like in the first one, the Banks' home in disarray.

Ellen: The bloody sink's exploded!

Jane: Oh, dear.

Michael: (rushing to the room) Oh, not again.

NC: (scoffs) That classic problem.

NC (vo): We see Jane and Michael have grown up, with Michael looking after the house with his three children: Boy #1, Boy #2 and Girl. I call them that because they have so little personality, it's not even worth mentioning their names for you to forget. Literally, any of their lines could be switched out with the other sibling, and it wouldn't make a difference.

John: Well, we have grown up a good deal in the past year, after all.

NC: Oh, now, wait a minute. I'm pretty sure that's a Boy #2 line.

Georgie: And why didn't Father believe you flew here on a kite?

NC: Well, now that seems out of character. That's clearly something Girl would say.

Annabel: So, you're staying?

NC: (chuckles, arms akimbo) Well, that's such a character inconsistency. Fits you right for the final season of (title of...) Game of Thrones! (Beat) Topical.

(Hamilton Gooding and Templeton Frye (Jeremy Swift and Kobna Holdbrook-Smith), the lawyers from the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank, where Michael works, appear at the house to warn Michael the new chairman Wilkins will repossess his house if the loan is not repaid in full)

NC (vo): Two lawyers from the bank show up, though, saying Michael's house is in danger of being repossessed.

Gooding: You took out a loan with the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank last year against the value of your home.

Frye: It's hard enough these days, isn't it?

Gooding: Yes. Well... Shh.

NC (vo; in a booming voice): (as the big caption appears, saying...) RACIST! (normal) So, I hope you enjoy a lot of bank talk with no songs. It's just a mere 10 minutes of seat-squirming boredom your kids have to get through.

(Various scenes of Michael and Jane's talk with the lawyers are shown)

Gooding: The bank is now demanding that you pay back the entire loan...

Michael: (to Jane) With Kate and the bills piling up, I really had no choice.

Gooding: You have fallen three months behind...

Michael: But I work for Fidelity Fiduciary.

Gooding: Not as an accountant. / It's all in the contract.

Jane: Your father left your shares in the bank.

Gooding: Do you have the share certificate? The document proving you own shares in the bank.

Frye: I do hope you find that share certificate.

Gooding: If you are unable to pay in full...

NC: (as a little kid) Mommy, are they gonna talk about comparing interest rates and costs of property? (as the mother, offscreen) Well, they just might, dear. (as a little kid, throws arms out) Mary Poppins!

(The clips of the opening scene of the original movie are shown)

NC (vo): Something you'll notice quickly is the movie has no momentum. The first one opened with a lot of talking inside the house, too, but it was active, funny, moving, with songs, dance numbers. Even though they were talking about stuff kids would find boring, they made it entertaining.

(Back to the 2018 movie)

NC (vo): Here, what they're talking about is boring, and it feels boring. The only movement we get is Admiral Boom, played this time by David Warner, setting off his cannon, rocking the house...which we've already seen, done a lot better the first time they did it! Even when we do finally get a song, it's a slow, downer song, which doesn't feel earned because we've already been watching ten minutes of slow, downer stuff.

(Michael goes up to the cellar and looks out the window)

Michael: (singing) Winter has gone, but not from this room...

NC (vo): In both versions, Poppins arrives around the same time... (The comparison of Mary's arrival in the two movies is shown, with 21-minute mark in the 2018 film and 23-minute mark in the original film) In fact, it's eerie how close it is...but this version feels so much longer. Maybe if there was something new or challenging being talked about, that would make up for a little bit. But we have a bank that wants to take away their home, a trope so old it's in The Three Stooges game... (The shot from this game is shown, showing the titlular characters next to Ma's Orphanage that is out of money) ...three interchangeablekids seem perfectly well-behaved and get along with their dad...isn't that exciting new territory?...and, apparently, there's a dead mother, which we have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever seen before.

(As NC speaks the last sentence, several posters of Disney movies are shown at high pace: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Bambi, Finding Nemo, The Fox and the Hound, Frozen, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Ratatouille, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Brother Bear, Aladdin, Cinderella, Pocahontas, The Rescuers, The Jungle Book, The Sword in the Stone, Lilo and Stitch, Tarzan, Oliver and Company, The Emperor's New Groove, The Great Mouse Detective, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Chicken Little and Dinosaur)

NC (vo): So, clearly, all the slow-moving tedium is warranted!