July 29, 2013
I would rather watch Quest For Fire than read this. Namely because nobody TALKED in Quest For Fire.
(Open on Linkara sitting on his Futon, not saying anything at all. He holds a bottle of alcohol in his hand. After a few seconds, Linkara falls over, off the couch and onto the floor with a thud. Pollo appears)
Pollo: Uh... give us a second here, people. It's Marville time again...
(AT4W intro plays; title card has Weird Al Yankovic's "Everything You Know Is Wrong" playing behind it)
Linkara: (clutching his face in pain; he groans) Well, we're almost through "Marville". And you know what? (shakes head) Not worth it! (laughs breathlessly) Oh, I've used up my alcohol budget for the next three years because of this comic, and it still doesn't feel like it was enough!
(Cut to shots of "Marville #4")
Linkara (v/o): When we last left off, we discovered that duck-billed dinosaurs could talk, and that Bill Jemas believes in myths about humanity that have been disproven several times over the years, including the "we only use 10% of our brains" myth, and the "humans are the only creatures that kill members of their own species" garbage.
Linkara: Although, to be fair, if you had to read a continuous series featuring Al, Mickey, and Lucy, you would be pretty used to homicidal rages.
Linkara (v/o): We also learned that apparently we blow up the Earth or something if we were smarter. Also, dinosaurs died out because their spines didn't let them be warm enough, even though evidence suggests that a lot of dinosaurs were actually warm-blooded creatures. He also claimed that mammals have a rigid, inflexible spine that somehow keeps them warm.
Linkara: Bill Jemas must believe that cats are mythical creatures of legend!
Linkara (v/o): I'm sure there was a point to all this, but the only thing I took from it was that Al was an idiot who didn't know that dinosaurs died off. And the only person dumber than Al was Bill Jemas when he was writing this nonsense and expecting us to take it seriously.
Linkara: Oh, but we're almost done, my friends! And if you thought the last issue was as bad as it got... (chuckles) Well, remember how that issue ended. Let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Marville #5"!
(Cut to a closeup of the cover)
Linkara (v/o): Our cover is a naked woman lying on a reflective surface. Would you expect anything less from this thing? Oh, but now it thinks it's still being a parody because under "Marville", it says "Originville"! GET IT?? Just like that comic "Wolverine: Origins"? And this comic features Wolverine prominently?! And that it's "OriginVILLE" instead of "OriginS"?!? Do you get it?!? DO YOU GET IT?!?! IT'S FUNNY!! LAUGH!!! LAUGH, DAMN YOU!!!! (calms down abruptly after that) And then stop laughing, because it isn't funny. You know, I think I may have had a few brain aneurysms while I've been reading this. Anywho, she's also holding one of Wolverine's claws, just in case we didn't get it. I mean, nothing else on the cover really has to do with Wolverine, so thank God that claw was there, or else I'd be confused.
(Cut to the recap page for this issue)
Linkara (v/o): So, let's see how they screwed up the recap this time, shall we?
Text: Al drove his dad's time machine back in time from 5002 to 2002.
Linkara: (dripping sarcasm) What, don't you want to bring up that his parents were Ted Turner and Jane Fonda anymore? Or perhaps you're just afraid of lawsuits from Ted Turner's five actual children! Or perhaps bringing up Ted Turner and Jane Fonda in this was just idiotic to begin with. (scowls)
Text: He makes friends with Mickey and Lucy, and makes a ton of money in the crime-fighting business.
Linkara: Well, more like the crime-stumbling business, since usually, it was the same guy who just kept tripping over and over, and then the Kingpin, they just kinda wandered into.
Text: Al is rich and famous, but he's far from happy.
Linkara: Well, that's because if he is "famous", it's for being a colossal dumbass.
Text: In search of God and the meaning of life, Al, Lucy, and Mickey take the time machine back to the moment of creation where they meet Jack (who may or may not be God).
Linkara: But he is definitely a nudist, considering he keeps stripping off his clothes.
Text: They all ride the time machine thr– uh, though...
Linkara (v/o): Erm, that's supposed to be "through", not "though", but this is "Marville"; I should be happy they're even able to form proper sentences.
Text: They all ride the time machine through millions of years of creation, and wind up here, in the company of the first human being – you can call him Wolverine.
Linkara: Now, some of you are probably looking back on Issue 4, and now today's comic, and thinking to yourselves: "Maybe this is all still a parody comic! I mean, Bill Jemas can't be serious when it comes to Wolverine being the first human being, and evolving from an otter, right?" (laughs, then frowns) Yeah, no, he's completely serious.
Linkara (v/o): I'm skipping ahead slightly, but at the end of issue 6 of "Marville", he plainly states that he is absolutely fricking serious about his ideas presented in this comic, about how he thinks God, the universe, and human beings work. I'll save some of the fun there for when we actually get to that issue, but yeah, make no mistakes, this is not a parody. We are gazing into the depths of insanity. Anyway, let's get into the "story" proper. We open at 100,000 BC, with the time machine sitting in the middle of a forest. Aaaand right away, science gets punched in the face with that timestamp, since human civilization is estimated to have been around for at least 200,000 years, and in fact, there are remains that've been found in the Middle Awash region of Ethiopia from 160,000 years ago, not 100,000! Hey, Bill Jemas? DON'T TAKE SCIENCE LESSONS FROM THE FIRST EPISODE OF DOCTOR WHO!!! Hell, with the 100,000 BC timestamp, and the time machine in the first panel...
(Cut to footage of the first episode of Doctor Who)
Linkara (v/o): ...it DOES kinda look like the ending shot of the first episode of Doctor Who! That's not a tribute, that's an insult! Doctor Who understands science better than "Marville"...
(Cut to another, much later episode of Doctor Who)
Linkara (v/o): ...and remember that Doctor Who was the show that thinks gamma rays are the same thing as lightning!
(Cut back to the Marville comic)
Linkara (v/o): Point is: NO!!!! Wolverine here is NOT the first human being, and we did NOT EVOLVE FROM OTTERS!!!
Linkara: (miserably) Dear Lord, do you realize we have not even started this comic yet?
(He takes his bottle of booze down off the shelf, but to his grave disappointment, it's empty; he groans a sad groan)
Mickey: Hey, aren't you Wolverine?
Al: First human? I thought you were supposed to be a mutant.
Wolverine: That's right, bub.
Linkara (v/o): Okay, one, this guy barely looks like Wolverine. They've got the same hair color, but he doesn't have the same hairstyle. Wolverine usually wears a mask when doing his stuff anyway. And probably the most important thing of all: WOLVERINE IS NOT AN OTTER!!
Mickey: Let me get this straight.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, why start now?
Mickey: Are you an X-Man or an...
Lucy: He's an ex-otter. He's the first animal to mutate into a human.
Linkara (v/o): Okay, one, no! Two, GOD no! Three, that was a terrible pun! Four, NO! NO!! NO!!! Five, what the hell was Mickey trying to say before Lucy interrupted? He's an X-Man or... WHAT?! An Avenger?! An X-Force?! What was your question, Mickey?!? Aaaand Wolverine runs out of the time machine, and we see that he has a loincloth on. Where the hell did he get that?! Or does the time machine have some kind of clothes dispenser in it? It would explain where Al got his jacket from last issue. Mickey asks where he's going, and he just says...
Wolverine: Out, man.
Al: Spoken like the first teenager.
Linkara (v/o): Teenager? What?!
Mickey: Where's he going?
Al: He's a teenage boy.
Linkara (v/o): WHAT?!? NO, HE ISN'T! LOOK AT HIM! He's drawn exactly the same as the rest of the adults, and has the standard superhero muscular structure! Hell, for a teenager, he's got a bit of a receding hairline there!
Al: He's either hungry or... horny.
Linkara (v/o): And we see four cavegirls running up, also in loincloth attire, while chasing after a buck. I would question why modesty is important to cavemen, but whatever. And just to emphasize the crappy sequential art combined with the awful puns, I was confused at first, because Wolverine isn't in this last panel, implying that he transformed into the buck!
Linkara: And frankly, with the way this comic seems to think evolution works, would any of you be surprised if he did transmogrify like that?
Linkara (v/o): Lucy wonders who they all are, and Jack says that they're teenage Neanderthal girls, which [sic] are then, in turn, joined by a bunch of guys, too. They all attack the buck and corner it, though it manages to knock a guy over its head.
Lucy: They are no match for that monster.
Linkara: (incredulously) "MONSTER"?! It's a buck! Or does Lucy think that Bambi was a horror movie?
Lucy: They should give up.
Jack: No chance, they haven't eaten anything but berries in three days.
(Linkara is utterly dumbfounded)
Linkara: (both sarcastic and confused at the same time) Oh, no! (shrugs)
Linkara (v/o): Y'know, for teenage cavemen who subsist mostly on berries, they look like they're in pretty damn good shape. I'd also question how they speak English, but I threw up my hands last time with the talking dinosaurs. Anyway, Wolverine manages to club the buck in the head and kill it.
Wolverine: I am the best there is at what I do.
Linkara: (as Wolverine) Dropping catchphrases!
Lucy: What do you mean by that?
Lucy: You mean killing-- you mean you are the best killer.
Linkara: If that's the case, could you kill me? Or better yet, kill them! Please kill them! (beat) Actually, what am I saying? With this book, they'd die horrible, painful deaths, and they'd still be talking about how much it sucks that microbes have to die!
Linkara (v/o): So they start eating the raw deer meat... Yeah, that'll do wonders for the washboard abs, I'm sure. ...and Al comments that he always thought Neanderthals and humans would be enemies.
Al: Wanna know what's even stranger?
(Cut to a clip of Resident Evil)
(Cut back to the comic)
Al: Don't make fun of me.
Linkara: Too late.
Al: They are all kinda... you know, not pretty, but what's the right word?
Al: Good call. Attractive, literally. Not about their physical beauty, about some kinda basic physical attraction to them.
Jack: That's a natural reaction, and it's exactly what your ancestors felt.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Scrubs)
Dr. Cox: This is the dumbest conversation I've ever heard.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Al thinks that's weird, but Jack says that it's not weird at all, and He'll explain.
Jack: It's a long story, but it isn't the kind you can just tell.
Linkara: I think that's just code for (makes "air quotes") "you suck at telling stories".
Linkara (v/o): Jack said He had to bring them to the dawn of mankind and the end of the Neanderthal, and they had to sit among them and feel the "natural bond between the species". We'll get back to that in a second, but we need some more stupid dialogue first. Jack says He needed to show them, instead of tell them about it. Otherwise...
Jack: You would have understood it and labeled it something like "another attempt to blend creationism and evolution."
Linkara: (utterly stumped) Ummm... what? No. It's because having experiences is always better than being relayed experiences through communication! Where the hell did that come from?!
Lucy: But because you're showing me, I don't just understand, I believe.
Linkara: (incredulously) "Believe"?! You're experiencing it! That's not "belief", it's happening! It's fact NOW!! (stumbles for words) Well, I don't mean actual fact, because this comic is so... full of half-truths and lies, so... maybe it's just... refer– SHUT YOUR NOISE HOLE!!
Jack: You get it, fan girl.
Linkara (v/o): "Fan girl"? What? I feel like we're missing parts of this conversation!
Jack: Words alone are about understanding the proposition. Words and pictures are about believing the truth.
Lucy: So you are saying that the only true path to truth is reading comic books?
Jack: That's pretty much the word of God.
Linkara: Um, by that logic, wouldn't silent films actually be the real path to truth? They're images in motion combined with words! Either way, much as I love comic books, if there's actual truth to something, the medium is irrelevant as long as the message is conveyed! You're just being a snob!
Linkara (v/o): Or do you really wanna tell me that "All-Star Batman and Robin" contains more truths about the world than the Bible or any other religious texts just because "ASBAR" has words and pictures?!
Linkara: Or do I require a picture Bible before I learn the truth?!
Linkara (v/o): Jack instructs Al to start moving the time machine forward in small time increments, so they can watch the Neanderthal tribe. Apparently, over the course of 28 years, they don't actually move from that one spot. And I would remind you all that since the time machine doesn't move, they're still in New York, which is utter bullcrap, since the earliest human civilization that we know of came from Africa! And seeing all these panels of the cavemen, it raises another important question...
(Cut to footage of Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series)
Seto Kaiba: Why are they white?
Seto Kaiba: They're ancient cavemen living in Africa. Why are they white?
Yami: Kaiba, stop activating the Race Card and listen: it's just "Marville".
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, apparently Wolverine had lots of children in the caveman society.
Mickey: Those kids are so cute. Are they all Wolverine's children?
Jack: That's right.
Mickey: I don't see any human women.
Linkara: Are you sure? Because the Neanderthals and the other humans are drawn exactly the same way with this half-assed artwork, so... it's possible that they're there.
Mickey: Who are the mothers?
Jack: You're looking at them.
Mickey: Neanderthals? Impossible!
Linkara (v/o): Honestly, I have no idea about the relationship between Neanderthals and other humans living at the time, so I don't know how accurate this is. I did read briefly that there's genetic evidence that Neanderthals did interbreed with other humans at the time, but I'm not the guy to talk to, and chances are, this comic screwed stuff up anyway. No, let's focus on the other idiocy that Mickey has for us.
Mickey: Humans and Neanderthals are different species, right?
Linkara: Actually, Neanderthals are classified either as a subspecies of Homo sapiens, or in some cases, a separate species in the same genus. It's not like we're talking about the difference between a fish and a cow here.
Mickey: Well, two different species cannot mate and have fertile offspring.
Al: Obviously, they can.
Mickey: No they can't. That's a scientific fact.
(Linkara, glowering darkly, points his right finger in the air, bringing up an image of a lion. He then raises his left finger in the air, bringing up an image of a tiger. He then brings his two raised fingers together, bringing up an image of a liger (the result of a lion and a tiger mating). Finally, he snatches up the comic and points to it, bringing up the word "DUMBASS")
Al: I know the theory, Mickey, but these folks are proving the scientists wrong.
Linkara: (yelling in rage) WOULD YOU STOP TRYING TO LECTURE TO US ABOUT SCIENCE, AS IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?!?!
Jack: The problem with scientists is that they're just not very scientific.
(Cut briefly to Dr. Linksano, who scowls and raises his middle finger at what is being said, before cutting back to the comic again)
Jack: No living scientist has ever witnessed evolution. They have glimpsed at a few hundred years in time, and guess that their findings apply to the entire history of life on Earth.
Linkara: Yeah, we only have a glimpse at a few hundred years of our history. All those dinosaur bones, or the remains that show how a few species have managed to remain unaltered for millions of years, or were previously thought extinct? All are just a measly few centuries. (nods, pauses) I would set this comic on fire right now if I wasn't afraid that I would breathe in the fumes and grow dumber as a result!
(Cut to Linkara wearing a blue outfit)
Linkara: (arms crossed) We'll be right back, ya Slifer Slackers!
(He walks off as the AT4W logo appears in the corner; we go to commercial. Upon return, Linkara appears again in his outfit)
Linkara: And now we're back. I love this outfit.
(He walks off as the AT4W logo appears in the corner; cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Jack spits out some more idiocy about not letting two different species mate, because otherwise, there wouldn't be orderly evolution... Wait, I'm confused. Is this thing in favor of evolution or not?? When they speculate about how the Neanderthals died out, Jack starts glowing and floating above them for no reason.
Jack: Worry about how you cling to the Darwinian myth, regardless of how little sense it makes.
Linkara: (incredulously) What part of it doesn't make sense?? MAKE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TRYING TO PREACH HERE!!
Jack: Think about the genetic fail-safes that prevent two different species from having fertile children.
Linkara (v/o): "Genetic fail-safes"? You mean "the fact that their biology is incompatible"?! That's not a fail-safe, it's just COMMON FRIGGIN' SENSE!!
(Linkara is seen trying to poke a hole in a pill bottle with a screwdriver)
Linkara: (exaggeratedly) Oh, man! My screwdriver is incompatible with my headache pills! Clearly, God programmed them so they would not be able to breed together and have Phillips-head gel caps!
(With a disgusted look on his face, he throws his hands out, and the pills in the bottle rattle)
Jack: It took God 200 million years to figure out the DNA code for that sequence-- it would fill three telephone books. You think that happened by random mutation followed by a struggle for survival? What are you, a moron?
Linkara: Takes one to know one.
Linkara (v/o): He tells everyone to get back to the time machine, and gets pissed off at them because they're not "getting it". Perhaps it's because the people you chose to impart this to are all morons. And then suddenly, when Mickey talks back to Him, He's all smiles and "Hey, it's all good!" Mood swing much there, Jack? And he decides to tell them what the real point of all this is! You ready? Because this is a treat...
Jack: You and Al and Lucy are all rich and famous in your time. And in your time, the world is heading toward an all-out war. If the three of you can understand the roots of war, maybe you can work to prevent World War III.
Linkara: (dripping sarcasm) Yup! The entire point of all of this is that Al, Lucy and Mickey are going to stop World War III! (pause) I repeat: Al, Lucy and Mickey... are going to stop World War III! (another pause) Unless it turns out that they are the greatest rock band in the history of the world, and it unites Earth in peace and harmony... it's clear that with these nimrods at the wheel, we can pretty much kiss our asses goodbye!
Linkara (v/o): And now it really gets... "good". I like to think that the artist just got bored drawing this, because the next panel is just text, like with issue 3 when it was the text over the pictures, only now it's just a big sky-blue box with dialogue! Or maybe it's because this whole thing is really damn wordy, and there's no way they could fit all this crap into the pages.
Jack: After millions of years of genetic diversification, the perfectly matched male and female Neanderthal partners got together and produced the first human son – Wolverine.
Linkara: No, some dickheads picked up an otter from the Jurassic period, and it evolved into Wolverine! YOU CAN'T CONTRADICT THINGS YA WROTE INTO YOUR OWN DAMN STORY!!!
Linkara (v/o): Jack brings up the classic "Which came first: the chicken or the egg?" question, and Mickey says that the answer is that the mother chicken was a whole different species.
Mickey: So, humans were raised by animals. Like Tarzan isn't a fantasy, it's a memory.
(Linkara scowls darkly at the comic, then cut to another clip of another episode of Scrubs)
Dr. Cox: I need a moment of silence so I can get into a meditative state where I block out any and all irritating white noise. I call it... my happy place.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and there are two panels like this! They couldn't contain all this idiocy in one! Next, they state that Wolverine's DNA was disseminated throughout humanity, and that evolutionary enhancement can only come if we diversify from Wolverine's original human genes. And the best way to do that is by mixing and matching millions of gene patterns from the species.
Linkara: Wait a second, that's... (a horrible thought comes to him) THAT'S THE PREMISE OF "THE NEW GUARDIANS"!!!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, passing on "superior genetic traits" through lots of diversification! AKA HAVING LOTS OF SEX AND BREEDING!!
(Editor's note: "As you can imagine, it's hard to zoom in on text like this. This comic is actively resisting my efforts to review it on video.")
Linkara (v/o): Guess what? It was asinine there, and it's asinine here! Gaaaaahhh!! They push ahead another 50,000 years and step out of the time machine into the village of the cavemen, who now live in huts for some reason.
Lucy: This is amazing!
Al: A real prehistoric village.
Linkara: YOU SAW IT ALREADY FIVE FRIGGIN' MINUTES AGO!!
Linkara (v/o): They meet up with a caveman who I thought was Wolverine, since they're drawn exactly the same, but it's actually a guy named Frock who's having problems with his kids. One is helpful and contributing, and the other is an asshole. Jack says that it sucks that parents have to fight with their kids, but they need that in order to force the kids to go off on their own, and diversify the gene pool. Um... or they fight with them as teenagers, and... then they get older and better and they mature! This is yet again Bill Jemas speaking in absolutes, as if this is the only set of options available!
Lucy: That's not what we learned in anthropology.
Jack: Anthropologists are people who never got jobs.
Linkara: Aaaaand any of my viewers who happen to be anthropologists, know any anthropologists, or study it as a hobby, you may feel free to flip the bird at the screen right now! Don't worry, I know who it's meant for.
(Four emoticons of raised middle fingers are displayed)
Jack: The key is testosterone-- you need all that testosterone to keep them moving, to keep mixing up the gene pool.
Mickey: So testosterone is God's vector.
Linkara: Well, that makes "God is my co-pilot" take on a whole new meaning.
Linkara (v/o): So as they get ready to see a village meeting, Al decides to say something stupid.
Linkara: I'll give you a moment to recover from your surprise at this.
Linkara (v/o): He says that the idea of fathers arguing with their sons is the true meaning of Spider-Man; that it isn't "With great power comes great responsibility," it's that Peter Parker never got a chance to make up with Uncle Ben after the argument he had with him. And you gotta love how Bill Jemas didn't know a damn thing about the company he was vice president of, since that's a revisionist version of the story, particularly for the movie, since in the original comic...
(Cut to a shot of the original comic)
Linkara (v/o): ...Peter's relationship with Uncle Ben was CARTOONISHLY PERFECT!!
(Back to the Marville comic)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and it turns out Wolverine is immortal, since he's still a part of the tribe 50,000 years later. Oh, what fresh Hell is this?
Al: Is he immortal?
Mickey: I get it-- he is immortal, but not because of the healing factor-- that's just a metaphor. He's immortal because he was the first human, and his basic genetic code lives in all of us.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Doctor Who, showing a Cyberman)
Cyberman: There is... logic... in what he says.
Linkara: So, here's the question we've been tiptoeing around this entire time: Does Bill Jemas not know the difference between fantasy and reality? Because he keeps proselytizing in this book about how Wolverine is responsible for all of us? Does he not know what "fiction" is? Does he think that all the Marvel superheroes are real?
Linkara (v/o): I mean, even for a metaphor, he just stated that the dude is immortal because he was the "first one". Does he think that the Wolverine or whatever is still walking around today? I mean, that only makes sense if you go by Babylon 5's logic for the First Ones! And again, that's fiction! You know, not real? Make believe? Oh, and let's add some more gravy on the "Bill Jemas doesn't know anything about the company he was running". They continue to talk about Wolverine's beginnings here.
Al: All that X-Men stuff came later. That's not about this Wolverine. This is the first appearance of Wolverine-- when he was roaming the wilderness.
Linkara (v/o): Hey, Billy boy? That comic name you were parodying? "Wolverine: Origins"? That was a comic that was detailing the actual backstory of Wolverine, including his childhood. Spoiler warning: HE WASN'T A FRIGGIN' CAVEMAN EVOLVED FROM AN OTTER!!!! So, what's the meeting all about? Wolverine wants to start a war with a neighboring tribe over very basic reasons, like: "They threw rocks at us and are jerks!" Yeah. Wolverine also has multiple wives, the main one of which argues against the war, and for some reason, she is wearing jewelry, despite this being a Stone Age civilization with limited tool use, and no capability of producing earrings. And now it's time for "Cavalcade of Reasoning for War", wherein they consult multiple people for different reasons why they should go to war. We've already seen "because they're assholes", but next up is the village elder, who says the land that the other tribe has belonged to them before. The wife points out they're nomadic and have pretty much lived all over and no one spot is theirs, and there's better land up the river, anyway. And then there's the medicine man, who says the other tribe has "evil spirits", thus bringing in the religious reasons for war.
Linkara: (full-on sarcasm mode) Well, congratulations! They've figured out the origins of war, and thus they can stop World War III or whatever. (gives a thumbs-up) Comic over? Please?? (starts crying) Please just let it be over-r-r-r! (falls over)
Linkara (v/o): And then they actually go to fight, with our protagonists watching and partying, and most of the fighting is just them giving each other wedgies or kicking each other in the crotch. Oh, and the women are cheerleading; thus, "ancient cheerleaders".
Lucy: Don't tell me these guys are fighting to impress the cheerleaders.
Jack: What could be more impressive?
Linkara: Ohh... Watchmen, pizza deliveries in thirty minutes or less, disposable cameras, fast food drive-thrus, cellular telephones, Godzilla movies, Beanie Babies, digital watches, my DVD on sale now, Mr. T, parkour enthusiasts, cancer researchers, Stephen Sondheim, the miracle that is everyday existence, and the second, third, fourth, sixth and eighth Star Trek movies. There's more, but I think that covers a wide range of things in particular that are more impressive.
Linkara (v/o): And so, the point of all this is that war is just a big game to them. They don't kill each other, they just beat each other up, and no one really gets hurt. Then the asshole village elder and medicine man arrive, and say they have to have another war, and Wolverine's wife says they just wanna meet new girls in another tribe, because they never got to get laid. So Wolverine puts it up for democratic vote, and he wins!
Jack: And that was the first and last time the world had world peace.
Lucy: What happened?
Jack: Peace stopped winning the votes.
Lucy: What happened?
Jack: Religion happened. Patriotism happened. Voting stopped happening.
Linkara: Well, thank you for that gross oversimplification and inaccurate look at the world and human beings. I hope you step on a Lego brick in the middle of the night.
Linkara (v/o): Lucy wants to know more, and it's time for some good ol' stupidity for the last four pages, with lots of text jammed in to try to get the point across. In particular, drawing religious symbolism, and how Jesus died for peace, and everyone takes advantage of the message in order to be assholes to each other, and apparently, if people just decided NOT to fight each other, people could have lots of sex. I don't even know where to begin. Who believes this kinda garbage?!
(Cut to a clip of Superman's big speech from Superman IV: The Quest For Peace)
Superman (Christopher Reeve): And there will be peace... There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly... that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them.
(Cut back to the comic again, sadly)
Linkara (v/o): No, no, that's close, but... not quite the same thing. And still not as stupid. Anyway, it's time for the big message. Al says that he was right before, that with great power does come great responsibility, and it's all about sacrifices.
Al: Real heroes make sacrifices and devote themselves to their fellow man.
Linkara: Well, thank you for wasting THREE FRICKING COMICS on that question, when I could've said that to you WITHOUT all the HORRIBLY INACCURATE SCIENCE and PSEUDO-PHILOSOPHIZING!!!
Linkara (v/o): Jack asks Lucy if she gets it, and she says her original concept of creation was right, that God planned evolution, and mapped out genetic codes. So, you've learned nothing and changed nothing. Two out of three have been a waste of time. And what does Mickey get? That all the thousands of people who go into the creation of any single object in the world are incomparable to a being that could create DNA. And that's not a conclusion, that's repeating a logic that many people have for holding a belief in God. Which Mickey has stated multiple times before that she did not believe in God, so WHAT THE HELL?! Three for three – this whole thing has been pointless!
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies)
Crow T. Robot: We hope you've enjoyed No Moral Theater, ladies and gentlemen.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): And so, issue 5 ends with a white box with "FAITH" written in it in friendly letters, and Jack's words...
Jack: God is the part of the ant that carries food home. God is the part of you that works for a greater good. You can know what's the truth and not understand it – just by feeling God within you.
Linkara: And to bring this all back around to Ted Turner: "The power is yours!" (becomes enraged as he snaps comic shut and holds it up) THIS COMIC SSSUUUUUCKSS!!! (gnashes teeth)
Linkara (v/o): WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS?!?!?! Dude, Jemas, if you wanted to explore your feelings about God, GET A FRICKIN' BLOG!! DON'T MAKE US WASTE OUR TIME AND MONEY ON YOU TRYING TO TELL US THAT WOLVERINE WAS THE FIRST HUMAN BEING, AND "CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG AND HAVE SEX?!?!"
Linkara: But of course, there is still one – technically, two – issues of "Marville" remaining. Some may disagree with me and say that it's not the worst, that this was as bad as it got, and that there's really no need to cover it considering its subject matter, but in my humble opinion... the ultimate waste is still to come, when we do get to "Marville #6". In the meantime, (holds up alcohol bottle) I am just gonna drink myself into a religious experience, and trust me that if that does happen, (scowls) I won't charge ya three dollars to hear about it! (throws comic away, gets up and leaves)
(End comics roll)
So, how many other interspecies creatures are there in the world that show how much of a "Scientific fact" Mickey's statement was?
Another superior form of medium by this comic's logic? Animated gifs with captions for the dialogue.
(Stinger: A clip from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey)
Ted: Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn.
(Cut to black)
Linkara (v/o): And yet, this scene is infinitely more profound than "Marville" will ever be.