Channel Awesome

So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in walks one of my most famous customers, Mario.

He comes in, sits down, orders a Ragu Sunshine Daiquiri… Only he didn’t… He didn’t look himself. He looked very down in the dumps.

So I asked him, I said, “Mr. M, what’s with the long face?”

He says, “Trouble with the misses.”

I said, “Peach?”

He says, “No Donkey Kong. Yes, Peach.”

So, I says, “Do tell. Lay it on me.”

He says, “Well, it’s, um… ‘cleaning the pipes,’ if you know what I mean.”

I said, “No. No, I don’t know what you mean.”

He says, “You know… Trouble in the bedroom…”

I says, “You have… problem plumbing in the bedroom? You have a water bed or something?”

He says, “Sex! I’m talking about sex!”

I go, “Oh. Oh yes.” …On the nose.

So, you know, I ask him, I say, “So, you got a problem getting a… a ‘one up?’”

He says, “Eh?”

I says, “You know… ‘Nailing the Hammer Brothers?’”

He goes, “Huh?”

I say, “You know… ‘Hitting the warp zone?’”

He goes, “Eh?”

And I say, “Daffy bastard! I’m talking about an erection!”

And he goes, “Oh! Oh, no no no no no. I got a special… uh, fungus for that. Eat it and you grow like ten times your size. So, yeah, so no problem with that.”

Yeah, after that, we decided to drop the innuendos. They just weren’t coming off. It seemed a bit childish.

So, I ask him, I says, “What’s the problem then?”

He says, “I told you. The misses.”

I say, “Oh, yeah yeah. Sorry. I wasn’t listening.”

I say, “I’m not getting my tip, am I?”

He says, “Nope, no you’re not. Heh heh.”

He’s a sly one… dang, lil’ twit.

I says, “Alright, what’s wrong with her?”

And he says, “Well, she’s just into really, really weird stuff.”

And I go, “Oh… You mean like midgets or something?”

He says, “No! Oh God, no! Half her kingdom is mushroom midgets. She doesn’t want any of that. I mean like really, really out there stuff, man.”

And I’m like, “What, seizer or something?”

He’s like, “No! God! That’s bleeding disgusting!”

And I say, “Like what then?”

And he says, “Well, you know, like chains and collars and whips… dressing up like dragons…”

And I go, “Oy, wait a minute, wait a minute… Dressing up like dragons?”

“Well, it’s kinda a long story,” he says, “but, uh, bottom line… She’s been kidnapped like umpteenth bajillion times. And, after a while, she… began to… enjoy it. You know, like… really get into it.”

And I says, “Whadya mean?”

He says, “What do I mean? I mean Super Mario Brothers Stockholm syndrome, that’s what I mean. At first it starts off very simple. You know, saying mean things very nastily, like, uh… ‘Your kingdom is mine,’ ‘No one can here you scream,’ ‘Mario’s never gonna save you’… which is odd seeing as how I’m freaking Mario. I mean, who am I saving her from, then? Meself?”

He told me he started to lose it when she started requesting the cage.

“I mean, I’m into all sorts of weird stuff,” he says, “but this is just flat out pasta visule. So, she wants to be trussed up in a cage while I dress up as a dragon. A dra—That’s borderline bestiality! And then she wants me to breath fire?! Are you serious?! I mean, those flowers are fine and dandy, but do you know how much halitosis one gets?! Or heartburn?! Mama mia!”

He says, “I have to go through 15,000 packs of Mylanta so my throat doesn’t feel hotter than a Mexican’s anus.”

And I says to him, I say, “Well, seems like you’re in a bit of a barney.”

He goes, “What’s a barney?”

I say, “You know… Barney Rubble, Barney Trouble. Trouble, trou--- It’s big trouble.”

He says, “Why don’t you just say big trouble?”

And I says, “I don’t know, it’s a Cockney thing. It’s just how I talk. I’m sure you say stupid things all the time.”

And he says, “No, no. I never say stupid things.”

And I’m like, “Oh yeah, Mr. Italian Plumber. Imagine. Never says anything stupid.”

So, he gets a bit angry. I apologize. I say, “You know, sometimes I just ramble on.”

Kinda like those pipe mazes, you know, the levels he’s been in. They just go round and round and all that stuff. So… Where was I? Oh yeah. His wife’s a kinky slut.

So, anyway, this all comes to a head after a particularly long bout of erotic Italian mushroom love-making. So, he’s got the cage, he’s got the chains, he even got one of her servants, Toad, to dress up like Bowser for him so he didn’t have to. ‘Course, Toad is a small bloke, so it’s starting to look like a David Lynch/Dr. Monroe experiment. But, when she wanted him to go through the eight levels of lava soaked dungeons and whirling fire-chains, that’s when he drew the line.

And drew it he did. Drew it all the way to the Pixel Palace. She’s probably still up there right now, waiting for someone to save her.

“Let the little Peach rot,” he says. “In fact, she might even give Bowser a call. Have him come over to see her trussed up in a cage with a smaller version of him standing guard. I’d like for him to figure that one out!”

So, I asked him, I said, “Well what are you gonna do?”

He says, “I’m gonna have 5 more Ragu Daiquiris and I’m gonna let nature take it’s course.”

He had his drinks, walked out, and it was the last I ever saw of him… Hopefully.