February 17, 2015
(We start off with a new version of the opening for the show involving clips from the previous year of episodes before dissolving into the Nostalgia Critic's office)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so--
(He's interrupted by Rob Walker on camera with Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers standing next to him)
Rob: Oh, Jesus, have you guys seen this? (He shows a binder to Malcolm and Tamara)
Tamara: Oh, fuck that noise!
Rob: Let's get out of here.
NC: Hey, wait a minute! Wait, wait, wait a minute! Where the hell are you guys going?
Rob: Mamma Mia?
Rob: You're really going to review Mamma Mia?
NC: Yeah, so what?
Tamara: Nobody's gonna watch a fucking review of Mamma Mia!
Malcolm: Yeah, the reviews that get the most hits are superheroes, fart jokes, or Nicolas Cage.
Tamara: Yeah, and that's all in the same video.
NC: It isn't just reviewing Mamma Mia. I'm tackling a subject matter that a lot of people don't usually address.
Rob: Yeah? And what's that?
NC: ...I'm talking about the art of the chick flick and--
(Rob, Malcolm and Tamara are not pleased by this, and are now yelling at him)
Tamara: Are you kidding me?!
Rob: Are you fucking crazy?!
NC: Hey! Get back here! Get back here!
Rob: You're a fucking moron!
NC: I can buy and sell you like ABBA's dignity!
(Rob, Tamara and Malcolm are leaving)
Malcolm: He should've done another Matrix Month.
Tamara: Yeah, some people got so mad, they watched that three times.
Rob: Why do they do that?
Tamara: I don't know.
NC: (sighs) The truth of the matter is there is kind of an art to the chick flick.
(A poster for The Heat is shown)
NC (vo): Now I'm not talking about the ones that are on the spectrum like "Is (poster of) Hunger Games a chick flick?" "Is (poster of) Bridesmaids a chick flick?" (The Bridges of Madison County) I'm talking about the ones that are (Fried Green Tomatoes) ovaries to the wall, estrogen inducing, (Little Women) couldn't be mistaken for (Pride & Prejudice) anything else chick flick. (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) The same way an action film like Harry Potter is gender neutral, but (poster of) Pacific Rim is obviously a dick flick. (The words DICK FLICK appear over the poster)
NC: Which is like a chick flick, only the exact opposite.
NC (vo): (Mean Girls) And that's also not to say men can't like chick flicks (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) or women can't like dick flicks. But let's not kid ourselves, it's not (Twilight) boys who made the Twilight films a hit and it's not (Transformers: Dark of the Moon) girls who made the Transformers films a hit. (A crowd of people at a movie theater are shown) Hollywood is always going to market to repetitive demographics. When they find a pattern that keeps repeating, they're going to exploit the fuck out of it.
NC: But here's the thing. There's a lot of chick flicks out there that are really good.
NC (vo): (A League of Their Own) I don't care if it mostly stars women, A League of Their Own is fucking hilarious. (The Princess Bride) I don't care if there's a lot of romance and kissing, Princess Bride still kicks fucking ass. (9 to 5) As the years go on, (Clueless) we see more and more effort (Ever After) being put into what was originally thought to (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) only be a niche market. (Titanic) Hell, the highest-grossing film of all time for a while was a chick flick. (Frozen) And you could argue the highest-grossing animated film right now is a chick flick. (The Help) It's clear a lot more effort is being put into them (Blue Jasmine) and more and more audiences are opening up.
NC: But here's what really pisses me off, when people try to use it as an excuse; when they watch something that they know is terrible for them and is absolute shit, but they just shrug off, "It's okay, it's a chick flick." What the fuck does that matter?!
(During that last sentence, a series of posters is shown from these movies: Confessions of a Shopaholic, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, 13 Going on 30, The Lizzie McGuire Movie, Sweet Home Alabama, New in Town, 27 Dresses, 17 Again, You Again, Killers, Hanging Up, Four Christmases)
NC (vo): (The Hot Chick) Calling a film a gross-out movie doesn't make Rob Schneider's work any better. (Super Mario Bros) Calling a film a video game movie doesn't make Super Mario Bros. any better. (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) So why does (Bride Wars) laziness and insulting writing (Sex and the City 2) get a pass here? (Runaway Bride)
NC: Well, I don't think it should. Case in point: Mamma Mia!
(Clips of the movie play as he gives his opening statement)
NC (vo): This is one of those chick flicks that not only loves to use that excuse, but likes to fuck things up for other chick flicks that are actually trying to be smart and intelligent. Based on the Broadway show every married man over 40 was dragged to, Mamma Mia is a jukebox musical that, rather than have a variety of artists, giving the off-chance you might actually like one of them, instead chooses the one your mother listens to when she's drunk at her book club. (A picture of ABBA is shown with traditional synthesized victory music) And don't get me wrong, if you like ABBA, no problem. They've had a lot of big hits and they're very talented, but this is not the movie to showcase any of their abilities. This is an example of trying to take a sub-genre, in this case, the chick flick, and try to resort it down to a mathematical formula. Like, if you use this combination of elements, you'll end up with a demographic who'll fall for it every time. (Jerry Bruckheimer Films logo is shown) The Bruckheimer films use it, (Happy Madison logo is shown) the Happy Madison films use it, and you can bet your ass this fucking film uses it.
NC: I know this because I've literally found the checklist.
(A checklist is pasted over the movie)
NC (vo): Yes, this is from the actual set of the movie. The Lazy Chick Flick Check List to guarantee profitable box office.
NC: How many of them do they check off? Well, let's demean women everywhere under the guise of empowering them. This is Mamma Mia!
NC (vo): We start off by visually ripping off another chick flick--Can you guess which one? (A clip of Titanic's opening appears in the corner)--as we see a girl sending off three letters.
Sophie: (reading each name on the envelope as she drops them in the mailbox) Sam Carmichael. Bill Anderson. Harry Bright.
NC (vo; as Sophie): I just made the assumption this movie's audience can't read, so I thought I'd clarify that.
(As the three mentioned men are shown receiving their letters, the film's title is shown in glitter)
NC (vo): The men get the letters and start making their way towards Greece as we have Lazy Chick Flick Check #1: A Glittery Title.
NC: Oh, good, this is the cinematic version of those ten-year-old stickers you get at grocery stores.
(A sticker vending machine is shown. Suddenly. loud screaming is heard, startling NC. In the film, Sophie is running on the dock to meet her best friends, Ali and Lisa)
NC (vo): Ah, yes. And this brings us to Lazy Chick Flick Check #2: Squeeing. Actually, I shouldn't say squeeing as much as "psychotically howling like sloppily castrated hyenas." (We get intercut clips of Sophie not only squeeing and meeting her friends, but Donna squeeing and meeting her best friends as well) I swear, you could play these sounds at the end of a horror trailer.
(We get a mock trailer shown)
Announcer: Coming This Fall. (Blood drips onto the screen as the audio from the squeeing is heard) The Squeeing Idiot Massacre. Rated "EEEEEEEEE".
NC (vo): So our main character is Sophie, played by Amanda Seyfried, who's about to get married, but also found her mother's diary which gave not one, not two, but three possibilities to who her mystery father may be.
Sophie: (reading the diary) "I'd show him the island. He's so sweet and understanding that I couldn't help it, and..."
Sophie and her friends: Dot, dot, dot!
NC: Punctuation is so wild!
NC (vo): And here's her mother, played by Meryl Streep, trying once in her life not to get an Oscar as her acting clearly shows always vocally imitating a drunk Wicked Witch of the West.
Donna: (various scenes) Will you look at what the tide washed in? / A serial bride and a little hermit over here. / Where did you get these? / Course not! / Hehehe.
NC: (as Donna) Come on, I never drink and broom at the same time! (A silhouette of a witch appears on the corner)
NC (vo): We discover that Sophie has invited all three of her possible dads to the wedding, which is indicated in Lazy Chick Flick Check #3: Comic Relief Speaking In Unison.
Ali and Lisa: Oh...My...Gods!
NC: Oh, you forgot...
All three: Dot, dot, dot!
(NC laughs with them before souring up)
Ali: Do they know?
Sophie: What would you write to a total stranger? "Please come to my wedding, you might be my father?"
NC (vo): Jeez, that's almost as crazy as having a musical set in Greece and yet having no Greek star in it.
(Two women, Rosie and Tanya, played by Julie Walters and Christine Baranski, meet Donna at a pier)
Rosie: For one night...
NC (vo): Oh, we gotta make way for Streep's sisters to come in as they partake in Lazy Chick Flick Check #4: Ear Bleedingly Loud Secret Handshakes.
(Donna, Rosie and Tanya do that thing NC described, as well as showing an earlier scene of Sophie and her friends doing so as well)
Donna, Rosie and Tanya: Dynamos, dynamite!
Sophie and her friends: Sophie, Ali, Lisa! We're the greatest, bestest mates!
Donna, Rosie and Tanya: Sleep all day and whoop all night!
Sophie and her friends: I'm tough, I'm tall, I'm tiny, and we're gonna rock this place! Whoo!
NC (vo): Jesus, you could just call this Girl Huddle: The Movie.
(The characters are shown going to a hotel)
Donna: Come meet my backup girls.
NC (vo): Streep owns a hotel where Sophie's fiance has a brilliant idea to attract more people. Yeah, you're not gonna believe this. It's really quite inspired. Put it online! Yeah, I can easily see how any business owner would overlook that tiny step.
Donna: Tell him about the Internets. He's gonna put me on the line.
Sophie: [off-screen] Online.
NC: [as Donna] Oh! Next you'll be telling me we have the right to vote!
Sky: [Sophie's fiance, played by Dominic Cooper] No one knows we're here, so if I market it really, really well, then hopefully, people will come flooding in.
Sophie: We just want this to be the ultimate romantic destination.
[As NC speaks, we see various future musical numbers in the film, most of them having large crowds of people dancing, before showing various shots of the island]
NC (vo): Yeah, that makes sense, as apart from all the tons of people we see all the time, nobody would ever know where this place is. And why would they? It's obviously such a low-key, visually uninteresting paradise that I'm sure word would never spread by mouth. I mean, let's face it. Nobody ever wants to come across a fucking shithole like this one.
NC: Hell, I bet the rent here is "so cheap".
NC (vo): Cheap enough to support a gigantic hotel that apparently nobody comes to. I'm sorry, what fucking planet are these people on again?
[One of the fathers, Sam, played by Pierce Brosnan, is briefly shown]
Sam: My sentiments exactly.
NC (vo): Of course, seeing how nobody comes to this "little shack", Streep has trouble keeping up with repairs and has to do a lot of it herself.
[As she repairs the hotel, Donna starts singing "Money, Money, Money"]
Donna: [singing] I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay...
NC (vo; sounding uneasy): Yeah...just keep in mind, people, Streep is still nine voice lessons away from her Into The Woods quality voice, so...just try to enjoy her awkward transition period.
[The song continues, with Rosie and Tanya joining in, while imagining themselves in a rich boat]
All three: [singing] In a rich man's world...
NC (vo): Look, lowly middle-aged housewives! They have the same fantasies of being rich and full of themselves that you do!
NC: I always said Tevye's "If I Were a Rich Man" song would be made so much more powerful if they showed him getting a massage, drinking champagne and having hot women fan all over him. It just...make me feel for him more.
[We cut to the three fathers arriving at the island and meeting Sophie]
NC (vo): So Sophie's dads arrive, played by Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth and Stellan Skarsgård...
NC: Am I saying that right? Do I pronounce the other little "O"?
[Stellan Skarsgård's name is shown with a little "O" on top of the "gard"]
NC (vo): ...and is ecstatic to find that she has been thrown into an adventure of "Choose your own DILF".
Sam: You are expecting us?
Sophie: [smiling] Oh, my God. Yes.
NC (vo): They, of course, have no idea that she's one of theirs, and Sophie, being a cute, charming dunderhead as opposed to an emotionally unethical fuck-face, has no idea what the hell to do with them.
Sophie: Come this way.
[She goes into a room as Harry Bright (Firth) attempts to speak to her]
Harry: There wouldn't, by any chance, happen to be a trouser press on the island, would there?
[Sophie closes the door on Harry]
NC (vo; as Harry): But I'm not done being Colin Firth.
[Donna hears noises from above, and begins to investigate what the noises are, eventually discovering the three fathers]
NC (vo): Now, this could be a potentially funny scene. Streep is about to see not one, not two, but three of her ex-boyfriends in front of her without any warning whatsoever. This could be something like that 3rd Rock From the Sun episode when Don is suddenly confronted by all of his past girlfriends.
[We see a clip of 3rd Rock from the Sun, where Don, Wayne Knight's character, ends up meeting his past girlfriends, and does nothing but grunt in surprise and shock]
Sally: Hey, recognize anybody?
NC (vo): The reaction could be really funny. Hell, it could be downright hilarious. [Back to Mamma Mia] So, let's see what funny stuff they have up their sleeve. [When Donna sees the three fathers, she imagines them wearing rock suits and a Hawaiian suit] Uh-huh. Yeah. And...
[Donna immediately begins singing "Mamma Mia"]
Donna: [singing] I was cheated by you, and I think you know when...
NC (vo; disappointed): Wow. Fucking amazing! That was practically gift-wrapped for you, just about any reaction there would've gotten a huge laugh, and instead, what do you go for? A song that intentionally has nothing funny in it whatsoever! Even the song doesn't really sum up how a person would react after seeing that. It's way too cheerful and upbeat.
NC: Which falls into the most tragic and Worst of Bad Chick Flick Writing: Be Funny...But Not Really!
NC (vo): Anyone that knows anything about comedy knows that it's all based on misery. There's always an element of something negative in it if you're going to get a laugh. But for whatever reason, really bad chick flicks think that women can't handle actual misery, so they always follow it up with a lot of giggling. For example, after her "upbeat" song, she falls right into the middle of all of them. This could be a really funny setup if she freaks out or tries to come up with a clever excuse. There's a lot of various options you could do to make this very humorous.
NC: But, what does she do?
[As Donna ends up meeting the three men face to face, she tries to be friendly with them while being adamant that they leave the island]
NC (vo; acts all kind and nicely): Oh, it's cute! It's adorable! We don't really wanna get upset here, we're just having fun! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [normal] How is that funny? You have all these humorous setups here, and yet, you do absolutely nothing with them. Another bad chick flick that did something similar is the Sex and the City movie. [A clip from Sex and the City plays] They're all checking out this guy, he's really handsome, they think he's hot, but then he goes and kisses another guy.
NC: Now, that'd be funny if they looked disappointed or were bummed out, but what do they do?
NC (vo; acts all kind and nicely): Oh, that's silly! That's fun! We're strong women, so nothing upsets us! Therefore, absolutely nothing funny can happen to us either! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
NC: [normal] We don't want to offend you, ladies, because we assume that you kind of have the mindset of toddlers. Like, if anything remotely threatening happened to you, [mimics a scared lady] you'd get sad and cry and, oh, no-no-no-no! [normal] So, don't worry. No comedy here! Nothing funny whatsoever!
[Back to the movie, showing a bunch of scenes of the characters laughing]
NC (vo): We replaced all that really upsetting funny stuff with a whole bunch of giggling, because again, we kind of see you like babies. If you see a lot of women laughing even though you don't know shit about them, maybe you'll start laughing, too. [acts all kind and nicely] Oh, look! They're laughing, they're laughing! Don't you also want to laugh? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, everything's so positive and upbeat here! Ha-ha-ha! Nothing bad, no reality, nothing mean at all! Ooh, it's okay! We're just gonna laugh here! It's gonna be so cute! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
NC: [normal] Because we respect you. We respect you as smart, intelligent adults. [beat] Did you do something different to your hair? It looks nice. [pats his heart] We respect you. We're the Good Chick Flick.
[We go to commercial. After commercial, we see Donna running around the island]
NC (vo): So Streep starts to get emotional after seeing her three baby-daddies, and her friends try to cheer her up by Lazy Chick Flick Check #5: Dress-Up Clothes. Again, kind of assuming what amuses three-year-old girls will also amuse grown-ass women. Why the fuck do they have feather boas in a hotel anyway?
[Tanya and Rosie begin singing "Dancing Queen"]
Tanya and Rosie: [singing] You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life...
NC (vo): Um, maybe I missed something, but what does being a dancing queen have to do with the Greek hotel version of Montell Williams? Hey, all your boyfriends are back and you might be ruining your daughter's wedding, but...at least you can swing those hips?
NC: [confused as ever] Eh?
[Tanya and Rosie, still singing, use inanimate objects as microphones]
Tanya and Rosie: [singing] Friday night and the lights are low...
NC (vo): Oh! Almost forgot Lazy Chick Flick Check #6: Using Inanimate Objects as Microphones. Now, it does usually say it has to be a stirring spoon or whisk, but deodorant will work, too. We'll give it a pass.
[The song becomes an ensemble dance number]
Crowd of people: [singing] Dig in the Dancing Queen!
[ABBA member Benny Andersson is shown playing a piano on a boat]
NC (vo; as Benny): Hm, never mind me. I'm just a man with a piano on a boat, just waiting to open up an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
[The song continues]
Crowd of people: [singing] Dig in the Dancing Queen!
NC (vo): Boy, I can only imagine the thousands of dollars that went into the amazing choreography they put in this film. I think they literally modeled it after all the suburban mothers dancing in their kitchens to ABBA music.
Crowd of people: [singing] Having the time of your life...
[NC mimics their dancing]
NC: [as one of said suburban mothers] You know I love these moves. It makes me feel like a Spice Girl! They're...they're still a thing, right?
[The song ends with all the dancers jumping into a lake]
NC (vo): Yay! We jumped in water! That's deserving of a high-five!
[The film cuts to Sophie interacting with the three fathers]
NC (vo): So, we see Sophie interacting with her fathers while, of course, not singing a song about it at all, but rather singing a song about stuff that happened in the past that connects very little to what's going on now. But, fuck it. At least there is some character development here among our leads. They hang out together, they talk, we don't hear what they're talking about, but at least they're together, they're doing something...for exactly three minutes. Yeah, 'cause we have much more important things to get to, like another song that has nothing to do with anything. This one's sung by Sophie's fiance. Oh, yeah. There's a wedding in this movie...and a fiance that we barely see, who apparently likes to almost burn his future wife's head off. [Sky is holding a lit cigar very close to Sophie's head as he hugs her]
[Sky and his buddies sing "Lay All Your Love on Me", while dancing weirdly on a pier while wearing flippers]
Sky and his friends: [singing] Don't go sharing your devotion...
NC (vo; either laughing or crying; it's hard to tell which): What the hell am I watching right now?
[The jump sound from Super Mario Bros. is dubbed in as the boys dance]
NC (vo; as a dancing man): Guys, I could be wrong, but I think we look fucking ridiculous.
Sky and his friends: [singing] Lay all your love on me...
NC: You know, I'm not a wedding expert or anything, but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the day before a wedding, people aren't quite so carefree and happy-go-lucky.
NC (vo): I think it's usually more of "My mom's causing drama, none of the dresses fit, and my uncle's threatening to punch anybody who takes his flask away". But if you think this is what the day before a wedding looks like...
NC: ...I want what you're puffin'.
[The film cuts to a party at night]
NC (vo): And I'm not kidding. They literally go from one song having nothing to do with anything immediately into the introduction of the next song that has nothing to do with anything. No, really. It's kind of amazing how much they don't want any character in this movie. Watch! [When the song "Lay All Your Love on Me" ends, it immediately goes into the song "Super Trouper", performed by Donna, Tanya and Rosie] Look at that! There wasn't even a break! No discussing anything, no time to catch your breath, they just go right fucking into it!
NC: By God, have we learned anything about these characters?
NC (vo): I mean, what do we really know about Sophie? Nothing. What do we really know about her fiance we never see? Nothing. The three dads? That's a joke. All we know about them is that (Harry) one likes everything in its place, (Bill) one's more goofy and outgoing, and (Sam) the other is suave and cool.
NC: [beat] Those are the fathers from Full House!
[A photo of the fathers from Full House is shown beneath the three fathers in the film]
NC (vo): You're so desperate, you're doing stereotypes of TGIF stereotypes?!
NC: Oh, fuck it! Just let me know when Robo Urkel comes in. [A photo of Robo Urkel is shown briefly] Oh, wait! That'd be too threatening! Don't worry, ladies! Nothing funny, nothing funny at all! We're the Good Chick Flick.
NC (vo): The only one who seems to be a little developed is Streep's character, but even she has to take a backseat to ABBA songs that obviously aren't there to tell a story, but just be ABBA songs.
[A later scene of the party, showing Sky and his buddies arriving, are shown]
NC (vo; annoyed): God! This is the worst thing to happen to Greece since Alexander the Great died.
[During yet another song, "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)", various girls crowd around Harry and Bill. We then cut to Sophie having a talk with Sam]
NC (vo): So the fathers are given presumably death by Snoo-Snoo as Sophie goes to, imagine, actually have a meaningful conversation with one of them. Look out! Humanity!
Sam: What you drew on the boat... [Brings out a piece of paper with a drawing of Sam] This is good. This is really good. Why don't you pursue this? You have a real talent here.
NC (vo): Um, not to be cruel or anything, but I think that's just OK at best.
NC: I mean, I don't wanna knock anyone's artistic sensibilities or anything, but do you really think that's "leave this place" material?
NC (vo): I mean, who knows? Maybe there's a market out there for people who like your cocktail napkin drawings of Archer. [A quick picture of Sterling Archer's head pops up]
NC: The art world is vast, anything can happen.
NC (vo): Eventually, all three dads, separately, of course, learn the truth about Sophie being their daughter and all pledge to be there for her. This, big surprise, is a little much for Sophie to take in.
[A nervous Sophie is shown standing still as the party still goes on with the song "Voulez-Vous" playing in the background]
NC (vo; as Sophie): What a shock! And here I thought inviting my three unknown dads I never met to meet up the weekend of my wedding without telling anybody dealing with other common wedding drama would cause no problems whatsoever! Oh, I only hope there's an ABBA song in this movie about being a fucking mental masochist!
[Sophie faints from nervousness. The film immediately cuts to Rosie on a boat, trying to meet up with Harry and Bill on their boat]
NC (vo): But nope! Instead, we're cutting to stupid shit like this. [Rosie tries to row, but ends up slipping, eventually falling into the water] Man, even by bad chick flick standards, that was uncomfortably forced.
[The scene is shown again, with the "Wah-Wah" trumpets playing, but NC doesn't shrug]
NC: I refuse to shrug under protest that we are better as a species.
[We cut to Sam talking with Donna]
NC (vo): But Brosnan tries to see if he can make things better.
[Sam starts singing "SOS", horribly I might add]
Sam: [singing] It used to be so nice...
NC (vo; appalled): Oh, wow. I...a...oh, wow...yeah...uh...
Sam: [singing] Where are those happy days? They seem so hard to find...
NC (vo): His singing's so bad, even Streep doesn't know how to take it in.
Sam: [singing] I try to reach for you, but you have closed your mind. [Sings the chorus along with a background chorus] So when you need me...
NC (vo; as Sam): Oh, yes, thank God. Drown me out, music! More background singers! Auto-tuning can only save me so much!
Sam: [singing] When you're gone, though I try, how can I carry on?
[Donna and Sam both sing the song, scaring NC]
Donna and Sam: [singing] When you're gone, though I try, how can I carry on?
NC (vo; as Sam): Okay, movie, don't make me do that again.
[As the song ends, we see Sophie, still nervous, getting ready for her wedding]
NC (vo): Oh, good, we're back to Sophie. Maybe now, we can finally get into her mindset and see what the hell's going through her...
[However, the film immediately cuts to Tanya talking with a man named Pepper]
Pepper: Let's pick up where we left off last night.
NC: [stunned and confused] What the fuck is this?
Pepper: Tanya can't ignore the chemistry between us.
[Tanya starts singing "Does Your Mother Know"]
Tanya: [singing] You're so hot, teasing me...
NC (vo): N-no. Seriously. Where the hell is this coming from? This is literally the first time we've seen this guy and he's not even hitting on a main character. Why are we focusing on this?
Tanya: [singing] There's that look in your eyes...
[A clip from The Truman Show is shown]
Truman: What the hell does this have to do with anything? Tell me what's HAPPENING!
Tanya: [singing] But, boy, you're only a child.
NC (vo): Okay, I know jukebox musicals have to incorporate their story to songs that already exist, but this isn't incorporating them, this is writing around them. This is dropping a roadblock of creativity to your nads!
NC: I mean, it's not like... [Realizes what he's about to say and tries to not say it] Don't make me say it. Don't make me say it, movie. Goddamn it, don't make me say it. I, I, I, I can't, I, I can't fucking say it, please. Don't make me say this! [Finally gives in] It's not like Moulin Rouge where the songs actually tied in.
[Clips from Moulin Rouge are shown]
NC (vo): Yeah, that's how bad we've gotten, people. You're forcing me to compliment Moulin Rouge! I feel so dirty! But it is true! They at least tried to tie in the songs to the story they were telling.
NC: This? This is tying it in as much as, say, a Six Flags Musical Stage Show for your five-year-olds! [Photos of the Six Flags Musical Show are shown] It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be happy and mindless while you catch your breath from the real entertainment. [A photo of a roller coaster is shown] Only here, THIS IS THE REAL ENTERTAINMENT!
[The song continues]
Tanya: [singing] Well, I can dance with you, honey, if you think it's funny...
NC (vo): God, it's like being the designated driver of Satan's bachelorette party, which, I'm not really sure if Satan's female or not, but after seeing this film, I'm willing to lean towards he probably is!
Crowd of people: [singing] Does your mother know that you're out? [The song ends]
Tanya: We done good.
[A clip of Dr. Teeth on Robot Chicken is shown]
Dr. Teeth: Oh, holy s**t! You make me wanna pee myself. That was terrible.
[We see Sophie and Sky talk to each other]
NC (vo): So Sophie meets up with her fiance and lets him know what she's done.
Sophie: I thought that I would know my dad right away, but I didn't. I just...I have no idea.
Sky: You invited these guys and you didn't tell me?
Sophie: No, I thought you would try to stop me.
NC: [as Sophie] I thought you'd use logic and stuff that doesn't usually fly in a bad chick flick!
NC (vo): He rightfully calls her a twat, and she goes to her mother to figure out what to do.
Sophie: Will you help me?
[Donna smiles and nods]
NC: [as Donna] I want to sing a song about my emotions. I was thinking about the "Monster Mash". It ties in about as much as any of the other songs do!
NC (vo): In all fairness, we do surprisingly get a song that does kind of connect to what's going on [That song he's mentioning is "Slipping Through My Fingers", performed in the film by Donna and Sophie], as Streep sings about letting her daughter go. It's actually one of the few genuinely emotional moments in the entire film. Thank God they botch it up just a few moments later.
[Donna sings "The Winner Takes it All" to Sam]
Donna: [singing] No self-confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all!
NC (vo; sounding uneasy): Okay. By this point, Streep's been at least...passable in the singing department. Nothing great, nothing terrible, but what the heck? You kind of give her a pass. But here, you really have to stretch your vocal chops in order to make it sound good, and...
Donna: [singing] It's simple and it's plain...
NC (vo; still uneasy): God...bless her, she looks nice against that background.
Donna: [singing] A big thing or a small, the winner takes it all!
NC (vo): Yeah, she may have given Brosnan a look before, but now, it's clearly his turn.
Donna: [singing] Spectators at the show...
NC (vo; as Sam): Ooh, yeah...I, uh...hmm. Let's do each other a favor, both fire our agents.
[As the song ends, Donna leaves Sam standing on a rock]
NC: STELLA!! FIND US BETTER VOICE TEACHERS!!
[The film cuts to the wedding]
NC (vo): So the wedding finally gets underway as she's about to marry Saturday Night Fever [Sky] here, but, big shock, Streep wants to steal the spotlight, partaking in yet another Lazy Chick Flick Cliche: Interrupting a Wedding.
Donna: I have to tell you, he is here.
Sophie: I know, I invited him.
[The three fathers stand up from the wedding guests]
Sam: We can find out if you want, but being a third of your dad is great by me.
Harry: Yeah, me, too.
Bill: I'll take a third.
NC (vo): So, Meryl is shocked to find that in a bizarre way, she's reliving Sophie's Choice, as we discover that...oh, I can't even say it, just watch.
Sophie: I have no clue which one of you is my dad, but I don't mind. Sky, let's just not get married yet. [The crowd gasps] Let's just get off this island to see the world, okay?
Sky: I love you.
[Sky and Sophie kiss]
NC: [as Sophie] To everyone who spent a fortune coming out here, my fiance's parents who spent a fortune on this wedding, and my mother who spent the other half of the fortune on this wedding, I offer you my sincerest fuck yous in the ass. Have a nice trip back. [NC flips the double bird]
NC (vo): But it's okay, because we partake in Lazy Chick Flick Check #Who-The-Fuck's-Even-Counting-Anymore: Unrealistic Happy Ending That Would be a Positively Terrible Ending in Real Life. But wait, it gets better.
Sam: Why waste a good wedding?
[He gets down on his knees and starts to sing "I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do", but this annoys NC]
NC: Oh, God! Just end it!
[He immediately shows us the wedding between Donna and Sam]
Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife!
NC (vo; as the minister): Even though by religious standards, you've broken God knows how many qualifications for a Catholic marriage. So enjoy these words that mean absolutely nothing!
[The film cuts to all the characters attending the wedding reception]
NC (vo): They have their reception and we finally wrap up on our mu...
[Rosie suddenly starts singing "Take a Chance on Me" to Bill]
Rosie: [singing] If you change your mind...
NC (vo): Huh? What is this?
Rosie: [singing] If you're all alone, where the pretty birds have flown...
NC: [confused] Movie, you're over. Shut the fuck up!
NC (vo): No, there is literally nothing else to sing about. You've already had one pointless song dedicated to a side character, any more and the audience is gonna stab their ears out with sharpened platform shoes!
Rosie: [singing] We can go dancing...
Bill: [singing] We can go walking...
Rosie: [singing] As long as we're together...
NC: Okay, can someone just give me something really manly here for a second?!
[A clip of Ash from Evil Dead II is shown]
Ash: Swallow this.
[He shoots his gun, causing the musical scene to explode]
NC: Thank you!
[We see Sophie and Sky leave the island as the movie ends]
NC (vo): So Sophie's not getting married, but is happy to know she's now getting triple the presents on her birthday, and that finally seems to wrap up our-- [As the movie ends, the intro of a reprise of "Dancing Queen" is suddenly heard] Oh, Christ!
NC: This movie has more endings than Return of the King!
[We see Donna, Tanya and Rosie performing "Dancing Queen" on a stage. As they sing, the credits roll]
NC (vo): No, I see the credits rolling. That means I can stop.
NC: Good! I don’t want to see any more of my three aunts partaking in drunken karaoke! And you know what? Neither should you!
[Clips from the movie play as NC gives out his final thought]
NC (vo): Even if you’re an ABBA fan, this movie is just awful. I’ve never seen a more pointless reason to use a band’s songs. It doesn’t further any story, fuel any emotion, or make us understand anything about any of the characters. I don’t see how this product could’ve been saved. In a way, I’m glad the director went on to stronger work (poster of The Iron Lady is shown), because I don’t know how anybody could’ve pulled this film off in a good way. There are good chick flicks out there, ones that are smart, funny, dramatic, even groundbreaking. This is the nightmare that everybody thinks a chick flick is. And all I gotta say is, thank God better films are coming out with more intelligence and thought, because this is pure shit. But I’ll give the movie this. It did make me want to go to Greece…and apologize to everybody there for this film being made.
NC: Hey, speaking of the movie, where did everybody go anyway?
(NC gets off his chair and leaves the room. Cut to Malcolm, Tamara and Rob writing stuff down onto paper. NC joins them)
NC: Hey, guys, whatcha' working on?
Tamara: Oh, well, since no one's gonna see this review, we decided to write down all the things that would normally ruin our careers.
(NC takes a quick look at Tamara's paper)
NC: Oh, my God! Do you mean any of that?
Malcolm: Oh, no. We just say it 'cause we won't get in trouble for it.
Rob: Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead and say something terrible to everyone.
NC: But I can't do that. I'd be nothing without these people.
Rob: Oh, come on, you pussy! (he smacks NC in the back of the head) Nobody's watching anyway.
Tamara: It's like screaming into a pillow.
NC: You think so?
Malcolm: Oh, yeah, you'll feel much better letting out your aggression on nobody.
NC: Okay, so, you want me to point to all the viewers at home? (The group nods) The ones that allow me to make a living doing what I love? (They agree) And you want me to point to all of them and just say the most terrible, horrible thing I can think of, like, "you're all--"
(Cut to a card saying "30 Seconds Later". When it clears, the room is a mess and everyone looks bruised and battered, with Rob's feet sticking out from behind the couch. NC's just barely keeping one of his eyes from coming out of his socket)
NC: I guess Mamma Mia had a bigger fanbase than I thought. Ugh!
(And we come to the credits)
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