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MTV Video Music Awards 2011 Vlog

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And you know, the Grammys, they don't matter either; no one cares about winning a Grammy...I realize. No one cares about winning a Grammy, but they...they deal with that by going balls out with the performances, like trying to put on as many ''great'' music performances as they can, and it's like a celebration of music.
 
And you know, the Grammys, they don't matter either; no one cares about winning a Grammy...I realize. No one cares about winning a Grammy, but they...they deal with that by going balls out with the performances, like trying to put on as many ''great'' music performances as they can, and it's like a celebration of music.
   
And the MTV Mov...MTV Mov...MTV Video Music Awards, there's just nothing. Like, they hyped up a ''"big surprise performance," a surprise performance by''...Jay-Z and Kanye. It was terrible, and you couldn't hear them over the sound mix, and like, "ooh, Jay-Z and Kanye? They're..." Like, how did that differ from any of the other performers that were out there today...''[correcting]'' on that last night? Like, why? Like, you know, I remember past...like, surprise performances, like, "surprise, Guns N' Roses reunited!" Well, they didn't "reunite," but like, the return of Guns N' Roses! Run-DMC's performing with Aerosmith! Van Halen's reunited! KISS is back with the makeup! ''This'' kind of thing. Like, Jay-Z and Kanye, whoop-de-friggin'-do.
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And the MTV Mov...MTV Mov...MTV Video Music Awards, there's just nothing. Like, they hyped up a ''"big surprise performance," a surprise performance by''...Jay-Z and Kanye. It was terrible, and you couldn't hear them over the sound mix, and like, "ooh, Jay-Z and Kanye? They're..." Like, how did that differ from any of the other performers that were out there today...''[correcting]'' on that last night? Like, why? Like, you know, I remember past...like, surprise performances, like, "surprise, Guns N' Roses reunited!" Well, they didn't "reunite", but like, the return of Guns N' Roses! Run-DMC's performing with Aerosmith! Van Halen's reunited! KISS is back with the makeup! ''This'' kind of thing. Like, Jay-Z and Kanye, whoop-de-friggin'-do.
   
 
And I don't know how they pick who wins anymore. Like, I gotta assume there's some kind of, like, viewer voting going on because...well, I don't know if they can on the Internet, that's a terrible idea. But...okay, Justin Bieber beat Cee-Lo Green—that's all I have to say about the caliber of winners here. And I don't...I only heard that song that won for, like, twice. He's not...doesn't really get played much. Outside of his devoted fanbase, like, if you're not a Justin Bieber fan, he's very, very avoidable. ''[Drink]'' And you know that meme, "Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian" or "lesbians look like Justin Bieber"? I...I don't think that's a funny meme; I think that's incredibly lame. But god''damn'', did he look like a lesbian in those glasses. Like, wow.
 
And I don't know how they pick who wins anymore. Like, I gotta assume there's some kind of, like, viewer voting going on because...well, I don't know if they can on the Internet, that's a terrible idea. But...okay, Justin Bieber beat Cee-Lo Green—that's all I have to say about the caliber of winners here. And I don't...I only heard that song that won for, like, twice. He's not...doesn't really get played much. Outside of his devoted fanbase, like, if you're not a Justin Bieber fan, he's very, very avoidable. ''[Drink]'' And you know that meme, "Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian" or "lesbians look like Justin Bieber"? I...I don't think that's a funny meme; I think that's incredibly lame. But god''damn'', did he look like a lesbian in those glasses. Like, wow.
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We...we always joke, "remember when MTV used to play ''videos''?" The thing is, Bieber probably does ''not'' remember when MTV played videos. Like, MTV had nothing to do with his rise to stardom. He started out on YouTube. MTV had nothing to do with Bieber, and he's as famous as he is without the support of MTV whatsoever. You don't need MTV anymore. MTV...
 
We...we always joke, "remember when MTV used to play ''videos''?" The thing is, Bieber probably does ''not'' remember when MTV played videos. Like, MTV had nothing to do with his rise to stardom. He started out on YouTube. MTV had nothing to do with Bieber, and he's as famous as he is without the support of MTV whatsoever. You don't need MTV anymore. MTV...
   
I'm trying to think what else happened. Chris Brown came out, and they, like, hyped him up like he's, like, a great, amazing superstar, and that just made my stomach turn. Like he isn't just this utterly replaceable, generic R&B singer with a serious attitude problem. Ugh. You see Jay-Z—you know, he's big friends with Rihanna and everything—you see Jay-Z, they cut to him while Chris Brown was performing and Jay-Z just, like, taking a drink, trying not to look too pissed off, trying not to watch him. Chris Brown comes out, he danced to... First he started doing one of his own songs, and then, I'm not sure why, he started dancing to Wu-Tang—there was a big Wu-Tang thing. It was like, if they were trying to do a "music through the MTV era" thing, it didn't work because they only played two songs—one was...I can't remember which Wu-Tang one it was, "Shame on a..."? "Shame..."? The other one was "Smells Like Teen Spirit," of all things. That's not really a dance tune. So imagine, like, theme park dancers dancing to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and that's what it looked like. Dave Grohl was actually in the audience; I can't imagine what it looked like to him.
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I'm trying to think what else happened. Chris Brown came out, and they, like, hyped him up like he's, like, a great, amazing superstar, and that just made my stomach turn. Like he isn't just this utterly replaceable, generic R&B singer with a serious attitude problem. Ugh. You see Jay-Z—you know, he's big friends with Rihanna and everything—you see Jay-Z, they cut to him while Chris Brown was performing and Jay-Z just, like, taking a drink, trying not to look too pissed off, trying not to watch him. Chris Brown comes out, he danced to... First he started doing one of his own songs, and then, I'm not sure why, he started dancing to Wu-Tang—there was a big Wu-Tang thing. It was like, if they were trying to do a "music through the MTV era" thing, it didn't work because they only played two songs—one was...I can't remember which Wu-Tang one it was, "Shame on a..."? "Shame..."? The other one was "Smells Like Teen Spirit", of all things. That's not really a dance tune. So imagine, like, theme park dancers dancing to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and that's what it looked like. Dave Grohl was actually in the audience; I can't imagine what it looked like to him.
   
 
I...I...I have to believe that they consciously chose to give awards only to the people who arrived, because the Foo Fighters won an award for Best Rock Video. MTV doesn't play music videos; they ''certainly'' don't play rock videos. They certainly don't do that. And Dave Grohl was there, he seemed to absolutely hate being there. He seemed to really just resent being there, he said something like, "don't give up on real rock n' roll. It's real music...real rock music is out there." It just was a sad reminder of how much rock music has been pushed out of the mainstream. Like, mainstream rock is almost, like, not a thing anymore. I know there's, like, what, Cage the Elephant out there and Muse, Rise Against, Phoenix, I guess, Mumford and Sons, Kings of Leon, Black Keys. But you know, none of them matter the same way that, you know, Smashing Pumpkins did in '95 or Korn did in '98 or Linkin Park did in 2001 and Guns N' Roses did in '88. Like...there's not a band like that anymore. And it was kind of depressing to watch Foo Fighters come up there and just basically acknowledge that.
 
I...I...I have to believe that they consciously chose to give awards only to the people who arrived, because the Foo Fighters won an award for Best Rock Video. MTV doesn't play music videos; they ''certainly'' don't play rock videos. They certainly don't do that. And Dave Grohl was there, he seemed to absolutely hate being there. He seemed to really just resent being there, he said something like, "don't give up on real rock n' roll. It's real music...real rock music is out there." It just was a sad reminder of how much rock music has been pushed out of the mainstream. Like, mainstream rock is almost, like, not a thing anymore. I know there's, like, what, Cage the Elephant out there and Muse, Rise Against, Phoenix, I guess, Mumford and Sons, Kings of Leon, Black Keys. But you know, none of them matter the same way that, you know, Smashing Pumpkins did in '95 or Korn did in '98 or Linkin Park did in 2001 and Guns N' Roses did in '88. Like...there's not a band like that anymore. And it was kind of depressing to watch Foo Fighters come up there and just basically acknowledge that.
   
I'm trying to remember...it's just not an interesting ceremony, I'm trying to remember what happened. Like, the one big thing that happened was Lady Gaga comes out. Like, she starts the show dressed...like, a lot of people said she looked like the [[Cinema Snob]]. Like, wearing the Cinema Snob's black suit and white shirt, doing this, like, really awkward, puzzling drag king performance, like this drag performance. And no one seemed to understand what she was trying to do or why Lady Gaga didn't quite seem to know where she was going with this, like a lot of things she does. But she was trying. You know, she was trying. It was...self-consciously weird, but in an unexpected way, which is...you know, what you hope for...from Lady Gaga, I guess. I mean, that's the best you can hope for. And then she came out and performed that terrible song she does, "You and I." Up there with "[[Paparazzi]]," it's probably my least-favorite of Lady Gaga's singles. Sounds like Shania Twain...a really bad Shania Twain song. And then...yes, Brian May from Queen showed up; God knows why he was there. He did his thing, and then he left. I don't know, it was just kind of met with a shrug, and I didn't... It wasn't a terrible performance. It was a good performance from Lady Gaga, I guess, especially when she was...before Brian May came out and she was just on the piano alone.
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I'm trying to remember...it's just not an interesting ceremony, I'm trying to remember what happened. Like, the one big thing that happened was Lady Gaga comes out. Like, she starts the show dressed...like, a lot of people said she looked like the [[Cinema Snob]]. Like, wearing the Cinema Snob's black suit and white shirt, doing this, like, really awkward, puzzling drag king performance, like this drag performance. And no one seemed to understand what she was trying to do or why Lady Gaga didn't quite seem to know where she was going with this, like a lot of things she does. But she was trying. You know, she was trying. It was...self-consciously weird, but in an unexpected way, which is...you know, what you hope for...from Lady Gaga, I guess. I mean, that's the best you can hope for. And then she came out and performed that terrible song she does, "You and I". Up there with "[[Paparazzi]]", it's probably my least-favorite of Lady Gaga's singles. Sounds like Shania Twain...a really bad Shania Twain song. And then...yes, Brian May from Queen showed up; God knows why he was there. He did his thing, and then he left. I don't know, it was just kind of met with a shrug, and I didn't... It wasn't a terrible performance. It was a good performance from Lady Gaga, I guess, especially when she was...before Brian May came out and she was just on the piano alone.
   
 
And Kanye and Jay-Z, I guess, they were just boring.
 
And Kanye and Jay-Z, I guess, they were just boring.
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And Bruno Mars came out and did a very good performance. It was a lot like his performance of "[[Grenade]]" at the Grammys. It was...with Janelle Monae and B.o.B., and that's the kind of thing they should have more of at the MTV Awards. If you can't be relevant—and it wasn't because... They... Like, the awards? No one gives a shit. Like, they put out...they gave out the least amount of awards they could. Best Pop Video, Best Rock Video, Best Hip-Hop Video, Best Male Video, Best Female Video, Best Group Video, Best Video. Like, the bare minimum of awards that they can give out.
 
And Bruno Mars came out and did a very good performance. It was a lot like his performance of "[[Grenade]]" at the Grammys. It was...with Janelle Monae and B.o.B., and that's the kind of thing they should have more of at the MTV Awards. If you can't be relevant—and it wasn't because... They... Like, the awards? No one gives a shit. Like, they put out...they gave out the least amount of awards they could. Best Pop Video, Best Rock Video, Best Hip-Hop Video, Best Male Video, Best Female Video, Best Group Video, Best Video. Like, the bare minimum of awards that they can give out.
   
Let's see...oh, Adele. Adele was very nice. Didn't just...no flash, just...like, she had, like, the actual serious artist spot that Florence + the Machine had last year. And there was this really, just terribly awkward where Jessie J... Okay, Jessie J is a British pop singer, she's more popular over there, she's had one hit over here. And they had Jessie J performing to lead into the commercial breaks. Played some of her own songs, played "No Scrubs" and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" just to lead into the commercial breaks. Adele tears the house down with a great performance, the crowd is on their feet, and then "[[Firework vs. Born This Way|Firework]]" starts playing, Jessie J starts singing "Firework," and I think...I thought that Adele was actually gonna sing "Firework" and it was like, "ha ha! Show that Katy Perry what for. Upstage Katy Perry." And it was just Jessie J leading into the commercial break. There was this, like...it was like the crowd was on their feet, and then it was just, like, deflated. That...it was just horrifically awkward.
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Let's see...oh, Adele. Adele was very nice. Didn't just...no flash, just...like, she had, like, the actual serious artist spot that Florence + the Machine had last year. And there was this really, just terribly awkward where Jessie J... Okay, Jessie J is a British pop singer, she's more popular over there, she's had one hit over here. And they had Jessie J performing to lead into the commercial breaks. Played some of her own songs, played "No Scrubs" and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" just to lead into the commercial breaks. Adele tears the house down with a great performance, the crowd is on their feet, and then "[[Firework vs. Born This Way|Firework]]" starts playing, Jessie J starts singing "Firework", and I think...I thought that Adele was actually gonna sing "Firework" and it was like, "ha ha! Show that Katy Perry what for. Upstage Katy Perry." And it was just Jessie J leading into the commercial break. There was this, like...it was like the crowd was on their feet, and then it was just, like, deflated. That...it was just horrifically awkward.
   
Oh, "Firework" won Best Video. Last year, it went to "[[Bad Romance]]"...which it should have because that's, you know, a fantastic video. They gave it to "Firework" this year, and like, who cares? Like..."Bad Romance" is a great video, and they gave it to "Firework." People aren't gonna remember that. If people talk about it now, it's just 'cause of how lame it is, how lame and silly and stupid, like, in a way that most music videos haven't been since 1988. Just...atrocious.
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Oh, "Firework" won Best Video. Last year, it went to "[[Bad Romance]]"...which it should have because that's, you know, a fantastic video. They gave it to "Firework" this year, and like, who cares? Like..."Bad Romance" is a great video, and they gave it to "Firework". People aren't gonna remember that. If people talk about it now, it's just 'cause of how lame it is, how lame and silly and stupid, like, in a way that most music videos haven't been since 1988. Just...atrocious.
   
Then they close it out with...you know, I'm not even a Lady Gaga fan, but you know, MTV should be kissing up to Lady Gaga as hard as they possibly can because that's...she's like the last video music performer. Like, she's a godsend to MTV. Like, ''that'' is what they can use to launch themselves back into making music that people care about. ''[Drink]'' But they don't. Like, Lil Wayne came out there, did that terrible acoustic ballad "How to Love." It should've been called "How to Not Use Auto-Tune" because he sucked. And...I don't know, it's like the Black Eyed Peas at the Super Bowl, like maybe this is just, like, something that shouldn't be used live. Auto-Tune just doesn't work live, or at least it didn't for...didn't for Lil Wayne. He sounded terrible...and then he did another song, playing guitar for it, it sampled "Iron Man." If it was good, I have no idea...because they cut him off. They just cut him right off because they needed to get to the premiere of their new show called...what is it? ''I Hope They Find My Pants''? Something like that? I'm not predicting good things about it. Like...like, shit, even when MTV was not playing music videos, at least for a while, it was still, like, a relevant cultural force. I mean, they had ''The Real World''—I mean, they ''still'' have ''The Real World''. I guess they have ''Jersey Shore'' now and, like, ''My Super-Sweet Sixteen'' and all that garbage. They do ''Teen Mom''? I guess they do ''Teen Mom'', but they used to do, like, ''Headbanger's Ball'', ''Daria'', ''Beavis and Butt-head'', ''Celebrity Deathmatch'', ''Aeon Flux'', ''The Maxx'', ''Cartoon Sushi'', fuck...''Jackass'', ''Cribs'', something!
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Then they close it out with...you know, I'm not even a Lady Gaga fan, but you know, MTV should be kissing up to Lady Gaga as hard as they possibly can because that's...she's like the last video music performer. Like, she's a godsend to MTV. Like, ''that'' is what they can use to launch themselves back into making music that people care about. ''[Drink]'' But they don't. Like, Lil Wayne came out there, did that terrible acoustic ballad "How to Love". It should've been called, "How to Not Use Auto-Tune" because he sucked. And...I don't know, it's like the Black Eyed Peas at the Super Bowl, like maybe this is just, like, something that shouldn't be used live. Auto-Tune just doesn't work live, or at least it didn't for...didn't for Lil Wayne. He sounded terrible...and then he did another song, playing guitar for it, it sampled "Iron Man". If it was good, I have no idea...because they cut him off. They just cut him right off because they needed to get to the premiere of their new show called...what is it? ''I Hope They Find My Pants''? Something like that? I'm not predicting good things about it. Like...like, shit, even when MTV was not playing music videos, at least for a while, it was still, like, a relevant cultural force. I mean, they had ''The Real World''—I mean, they ''still'' have ''The Real World''. I guess they have ''Jersey Shore'' now and, like, ''My Super-Sweet Sixteen'' and all that garbage. They do ''Teen Mom''? I guess they do ''Teen Mom'', but they used to do, like, ''Headbanger's Ball'', ''Daria'', ''Beavis and Butt-head'', ''Celebrity Deathmatch'', ''Aeon Flux'', ''The Maxx'', ''Cartoon Sushi'', fuck...''Jackass'', ''Cribs'', something!
   
 
MTV...and the sad thing is they started out with that 80s MTV riff, like, ''[imitates riff]'' and it's just like...what happened to you, MTV? You used to be cool. You used to be so cool. I am disappoint. All right, have a good...I can't talk about this anymore.
 
MTV...and the sad thing is they started out with that 80s MTV riff, like, ''[imitates riff]'' and it's just like...what happened to you, MTV? You used to be cool. You used to be so cool. I am disappoint. All right, have a good...I can't talk about this anymore.
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