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M3GAN
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Release Date
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May 10, 2023
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Running Time
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24:32
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Previous Review
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Link
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Video
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(After the opening, we cut to NC sitting on a couch in his home. He is reading from a binder labeled "The Plot". Suddenly...)
Malcolm: Critic, Tamara's being a pain!
NC: Not now, I'm looking over which of your lines to cut.
Malcolm: But she's making fun of my acting! I hate her now!
NC: (sighs exasperatedly) Fine, fine. Send her in.
(A creepy-looking woman (Tamara) walks up to him. She smiles at him creepily and speaks, her mouth movements not matching what she says.)
Woman: Hello, Critic. What seems to be the trouble?
NC: I hear you're not playing nice with Malcolm.
Woman: His line delivery lacked passion (Malcolm stares, offended.) and believability.
Malcolm: See?! She's dumb and she sucks!
NC: Hey, don't make me separate you two!
Malcolm: I was just saying my line like, "Hey, Critic, we're reviewing M3GAN today. I thought we were going to review it in July." What's wrong with that?
Woman: If you put the emphasis on "in", it will sound better.
Malcolm: What? That doesn't even make any sense!
Woman: Say it like this: (clears throat, then speaks like Malcolm) "Hey, Critic, I heard we were reviewing M3GAN today. I thought we were going to review it. In July."
Malcolm: Sorry, there's no known way in the English language to begin a sentence with "in" and emphasize it!
(Suddenly, NC's phone rings, and he answers it.)
NC: Hello?
(It's Tamara herself calling.)
Tamara: Hey, Critic!
NC: Tamara, finally! Talk some sense into yourself! (He starts to hold his phone out to the weird woman, but suddenly stops in confusion.) Wait, how are we doing this?
Tamara: I just wasn't feeling it today, so I 3D-printed myself and A.I.ed my personality into her head.
NC: A.I. has come that far?
Tamara: I'm surprised it hasn't gotten here faster. Call her "T4M4R4".
NC: That's just your name with fours.
Tamara: Yes.
NC: Why?
Tamara: Looks cool.
NC: Well, I'm not sure I approve of this, Tamara. (to Malcolm) Do you approve?
Malcolm: (crosses arms) I don't approve.
NC: We don't approve.
Tamara: Oh, come on. Tell me you're not delightfully horrified and horrifyingly delighted by her.
(NC looks up toward T4M4R4, who smiles creepily at him.)
NC: It is an unsettling mix of fear and laughter I can't turn away from.
Tamara: And that's why your fanbase watches you, so don't ruin the fun.
NC: (sighs) Okay, I'll give General Store Small Wonder a fair shot.
Tamara: Wonderful! Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to do something else other than talk to you.
(Tamara hangs up. An unhappy NC looks up toward Malcolm and T4M4R4.)
Malcolm: Well?
NC: (grudgingly) Well, I think she might be right about the line delivery.
Malcolm: Well, that's just idiotic, if you forgive me saying so!
NC: I don't.
Malcolm: Well, that's just stupid! (storms off) Impossible! MEANGINGLESS!
NC: (sighs; to T4M4R4) Why don't you go rehearse the lines while I start the review?
T4M4R4: Certainly.
(She turns and leaves. But shockingly, her face stays in place, floating in midair!)
NC: (recoiling in horror) JESUS!
(T4M4R4 notices her face is not with her and returns for it.)
T4M4R4: Sorry, my CGI face doesn't always match up with me.
(She walks up to her face. It reattaches to her and she leaves again. A creeped-out NC looks into the camera.)
NC: We're always gonna have a fascination with the uncanny valley.
(A montage of scenes in movies involving uncanny valley moments is shown.)
NC (vo): That uneasy feeling of recognizing something is almost real, but one or two uncomfortable elements seem off. A lot of those people want to stray away from, as it ruins the illusion they're going for. But then there are some smart cookies who know how to exploit it in a creative way, a way that welcomes both the creepiness and the laughs.
NC: M3GAN is one of those smart cookies.
(The title for M3GAN is shown, followed by clips of the movie.)
NC (vo): Asking so many questions, like...
(The poster for M3GAN is shown, followed by several alternates, popping up in yellow: "MEGAN" (with a 3 turned on its side for the M), "M3GAN E", "3E333".)
NC (vo): ..."What do you call the third film when it comes out?", M3GAN got many chuckles and many uncomfortable clicks when the trailer first premiered. People didn't believe it was even a real movie; it just looked so hilariously off. But thankfully, the filmmakers played into that and made a movie that knows the best way to get comedy out of this is to play it straight. So straight that many people didn't even follow what was supposed to be funny about it. Some audience members saw this as a pretty run-of-the-mill horror film, but, put frankly, if you're not laughing at the poster, you're not gonna laugh at the flick. The character went viral, with people doing reaction videos to her, several fan edits, and of course, countless TikTok dances. Everybody wanted in on the joke, and it paid off all the way to the bank. So, what is it that makes M3GAN both hilariously scary and not scary at the same time? Well, let's take a closer look.
(Malcolm returns, much to NC's annoyance.)
Malcolm: Critic, she's standing in the hallway, all scary!
(NC looks down the hall to spot T4M4R4 standing at the end of the hallway. He takes out his cell phone.)
NC: Come on, anything looks scary at the end of a hallway. (pushes some buttons, then holds phone out to Malcolm) Look!
(Malcolm looks at the phone, which has a picture of Chaplin at the end of the hallway.)
Malcolm: That's scary.
NC: Go away.
(Malcolm grunts in frustration and walks off.)
NC: This is M3GAN.
(The film opens with a commercial for PurRpetual Petz.)
Background Singer: ♫ She was my only friend, but she got old and died...
NC (vo): So, yeah, for anyone who questions if this film was meant to be funny...
Background Singers: ♫ PurRpetual Petz are a dream come true because... ♫
NC: ...I refer you...
(An image of the PurRpetual Pet in the commercial is shown, along with an image of a troll doll in the upper-left corner.)
NC (vo): ...to this troll pubic hair. Remember in Gremlins 2, when the guy asked what happens if a Mogwai eats after midnight while flying over a different time zone? This is what happens!
Commercial Announcer: You can even feed your friends!
(One of the PurRpetual Petz poops out pellets! No, seriously.)
Commercial Announcer: But not too much!
PurRpetual Pet: Uh-oh! Clean up on aisle seven!
NC: I like this intro because it very clearly shows this isn't reality, but rather, reality if it went just one step crazier. (An article is shown in the corner about Donald Trump dropping NFTs.) And if you know reality, that's saying a lot.
NC (vo): We know this wouldn't sell, but...
(Images are shown of the following: a Teddy Ruxpin doll, a troll doll, a Cabbage Patch Kids doll, and a Furby toy.)
NC (vo): ...if a lot of popular toys that were creepy were just a hint creepier...
(Cut back to the PurRpetual Petz.)
NC (vo): ...they'd look like this. It's a world that makes sense how something like M3GAN can exist.
(We then cut to a girl, Cady (Violet McGraw), with her PurRpetual Petz toy, which makes a flatulence noise, to her amusement. She sits in her parents' car as they drive in bad weather through a mountain.)
NC (vo): Speaking of existing, a film starting out with a kid in a car seat and two parents driving? These always end great.
Cady's mother: We're almost to the top of the mountain.
PurRpetual Pet: Know what else is interesting? (farts again, to the mother's confusion/disgust) Oopsie-daisy!
NC: How every parent reacts when the opening of (An image of the following is shown off to the side...) Caillou is heard.
NC (vo): This is Cady, played by Violet McGraw, and as you might have guessed, they get in a crash...
(At the point of impact, the screen crashes, save for a buffering circle.)
NC (vo): ...the movie...buffers... (The title is shown before the movie continues.) There we go. and we're taken to Silicon Uncanny Valley. This is a company named Funki that specializes in making toys in Seattle, and we're introduced to Gemma, played by Allison Williams, who's inventing the latest nightmare fuel for kids.
(Gemma and a group of roboticists are testing out the newest toy, which has a doll's face.)
Roboticist: Happy...
(The doll's face smiles ever so slightly.)
Gemma: Okay...
Roboticist: Sad...
(The doll's face becomes sad.)
NC: This thing looks like it's inspiring...
NC (vo): ...the next generation of ElsaGate videos, doesn't it?
Roboticist: Confused...
(The doll's face takes on a confused expression, with the corners of its mouth turned up.)
Gemma: Wait, wait, stop. Why is her face doing that?
NC (vo; as Gemma): Her face is a permanent smirk. (as roboticist) What do you expect? She's in teenager mode.
Gemma: Oh, nonononono. (There's a knock at the door, and she dreads what it is: it's her boss, David (Ronny Chieng).) Shit!
NC (vo): The boss comes down and gives the reaction everybody had to seeing the trailer...
David: (seeing the doll they're working on) What in the name of ever-loving Christ is this?
NC: (as David) Do you want Baby Skynet? 'Cause this is how you get Baby Skynet. (shakes head)
NC (vo): But they try to convince him this could be a big hit.
Gemma: (to doll) M3GAN, say hi to David.
NC (vo; as M3GAN, deep voice): Destroy all children. (as Gemma) I'll draft my resignation. (normal) Actually, I'm pretty close, as M3GAN starts to glitch up and...well...
(M3GAN explodes in a big fireball, which rocks the building. Everyone in the room ducks down as the explosion sends debris everywhere. When they look up, they see the head is on fire!)
NC: Ooh! A Samsung product!
NC (vo): Gemma gets a call that her sister was killed in a car crash, and she might be the most eligible caretaker for her niece, Cady.
(Gemma fills out some paperwork.)
Clerk: You just sign your name and date it at the bottom...
NC (vo; as clerk): And what do you do for a living? (as Gemma) I make killer robots. (as clerk) That's fine. (normal) She signs the paperwork and takes Cady to her new home.
(Upon arrival, however, a dog jumps at Gemma's car and barks viciously at Cady. She ducks down to avoid the strange dog.)
NC: (throwing his arms in the air) DOG!
NC (vo): That's actually the neighbor's dog, who, again, if you've ever seen a horror film, know they're both gonna be fine. But Gemma and Cady have a hard time getting used to their new situation.
Gemma: If you need anything, I'm just gonna be down the hall.
Cady: You're not gonna read me a story? Mom always read me a story before bed.
NC: Kid, you're twelve; read your own bedtime story!
(Cady spots a shelf full of toys and takes one down to look at it.)
Gemma: Oh, those aren't toys, Cady. (takes it back and puts it back on the shelf) Technically, yeah, they're toys; they're just, um...collectables, so you don't actually play with them.
NC (vo): I heard Allison Williams got some pushback for not having a lot of emotion in this, but...
NC: ...I think that's kind of the idea.
NC (vo): She's a techie, who's way into her work and clearly not great at being social.
Gemma: I don't think I really have any kids' books here right now, but that's okay, I can download one on my phone. That's fun...
NC (vo): She's someone I believe would create a robot to parent her child so she doesn't have to. It gets across the idea that while we're trying to make machines more human, they sometimes can reflect more humanity than we do. With that said, I'm not entirely sure why she doesn't just let her live with her grandparents.
Gemma: (calling a coworker on the phone about Cady) I'm not equipped to handle this. Have you heard from Ryan's parents? They called and offered to help, but, like, they live in Florida. They're kind of weird. I don't know what their deal is.
NC: (looks up in thought) Hmm... (holds up both hands in a weight scale motion) Woman with killer robots, or Florida? (moves both hands up and down as though weighing something, then waves dismissively) Nah, just kidding. She's clearly safer with the killer robots.
NC (vo): Even the case worker hints this might not be best for them.
Case worker: (to Gemma) Sorry, can I just ask, how close were you and your sister?
NC (vo; as Gemma): Who? (normal) They have to bond over something, though, so how about Chewbacca's ball sack here?
(Cady wanders into Gemma's workshop, where she spots her aunt creating new versions of the PurRpetual Petz.)
Gemma: So we're working on a version of the PurRpetual Petz that's cheaper. What do you think?
NC (vo; as Cady): Well, thank you. I've been thinking about my dead parents every night, but you've given me a new nightmare to haunt my soul. Yay, variety! (normal) She takes interest in another kids toy, though, that, like (An image of the exoskeleton robot suit from Aliens is shown in the corner.) this thing in Aliens, is totally not a setup for a third-act fight, guys.
(Cady spots the "thing" in question: a motion capture robot that Gemma once created a long time ago.)
Cady: What's that?
NC (vo; as Gemma): Oh, it's a Terminator. I call it that, because (The posters for The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are shown in the corner.) it works twice, and then (The Blu-Ray covers for the next four, Terminator movies are shown in the corner.) gets progressively shittier every additional time.
(Gemma has Cady hold her hand out to the robot, which she calls Bruce.)
Bruce: Give me five.
(Cady and Bruce ever so slightly high-five one another.)
Bruce: Oh, come on, you can do better than that. (Cady hits the robot's hand even harder.) Ouch, girl! Not so hard!
(As we cut back to NC, a clip of the car crash that kills Cady's parents is shown in the corner.)
NC: (as Cady) Can it kill plows? All...the plows?
Cady: If I had a toy like Bruce, I don't think I'd ever need another toy again.
NC (vo): Cady gives Gemma an idea to make M3GAN the ultimate toy friend, saying after parents empty their wallets, they'll lean back from buying competitive brands.
Cady: (to M3GAN) I'm Cady.
(M3GAN comes to life and looks at Cady.)
M3GAN (voice of Jenna Davis): It's nice to meet you, Cady.
NC (vo; as Cady): I thought about how Chucky scares us, and then it made me ask, "What would scare Chucky?"
M3GAN: I like that jacket. Where'd you get it?
Cady: I can't remember.
M3GAN: Well, anyway, it looks good on you.
NC (vo): They're blown away by M3GAN's disturbingly cute horrificness and give the okay to market her to investors.
Gemma: Model 3 Generative Android from Funki, fully autonomous humanoid robot.
NC: I guess I should talk real quick about the strangeness of this both being a PG-13 horror film and the use of the awkward CGI.
NC (vo): Though it goes without saying I would prefer if this was a hard R and used only practical effects, it's clear this movie wants to soak up a lot of modern-day camp without winking too hard that they're in on the joke. And sad to say, hokey CGI and PG-13 horror films do go hand-in-hand and are a product of the times; again, a film you want people to ask, "Is this a real movie?" So while it's not what I would prefer, I see why they did it. It is clever, and its creative awkwardness does make me laugh.
(M3GAN spots Cady emerging from the bathroom after using the toilet.)
M3GAN: Cady, flush the toilet. (Cady does so, then starts to emerge again.) Wash your hands. (Cady does so.)
NC (vo; as M3GAN): Pray to Cthulhu. (as Cady) What? (as M3GAN, in a deep demonic voice) SILENCE!
Gemma: M3GAN's designed to withstand whatever life can throw at her.
NC (vo; as Gemma): She will questionably stand outside your kid's bathroom while she pees.
NC: (as Gemma) But don't worry, we don't know why either.
NC (vo): Some question how big a role she's playing as a member of the family, though.
(One of Gemma's coworkers (Jen Van Epps) addresses her about M3GAN.)
Coworker: I mean, I thought we were creating a tool to help support parents, not replace them.
NC (vo; sighs): Look, why would you think making something that looks human, acts human, and raises a human would replace humans? You've been watching too much everything that's ever been made. M3GAN as well seems to be asking too many questions.
M3GAN: How did Cady's parents die?
Gemma: Shit, she's still paired with Cady!
David: You didn't code in parental control?
NC (vo; as Gemma): Well, I think it's very clear I'm not good at what I do! (normal) They take the E.A. route and, eh, patch it later. The neighbor's dog doesn't take kindly to the new chew toy, though.
(M3GAN wanders into Gemma's neighbor's yard, where her dog attacks her.)
Cady: (yelling at the dog) GET OFF OF HER! STOP IT!
(M3GAN's eyes open creepily while being attacked.)
NC: (as M3GAN) Cady, will I dream?
Cady: (calling out) GEMMA!
(Inside, Gemma is working at her computer, when she overhears the commotion.)
NC (vo; as Gemma, sighing): Don't make me parent; I made an app for that.
(The dog does not listen. On the contrary, it bites Cady on the arm, causing her to scream. The neighbor also overhears the commotion, but refuses to do anything about her dog, saying that Cady and M3GAN were on her side of the fence. M3GAN stares at the neighbor, hinting that she will solve the problem herself, once and for all.)
NC (vo): This results in Cady being injured, and...well, it's a doll-eats-dog world, baby.
(That night, the dog is awakened by the sound of whistling, coming from M3GAN. It spots M3GAN's reaching through the fence as she imitates the neighbor perfectly.)
M3GAN: Dewey!
(The dog goes over to the fence, thinking it's its mistress. Then M3GAN jumps it and painfully yanks it through the fence to kill it.)
NC (vo; deep voice): Die, Ubu, die! (The sound of cracking is heard.) Good dog. (The sound of a thud is heard. Then NC speaks in a normal voice.) Investors are brought in to see M3GAN, but things start to go wrong when Cady breaks down because she misses her parents.
Cady: Every day I wake up in this strange house, and I remember that my parents are dead.
(M3GAN turns toward Gemma, who becomes visibly nervous.)
NC (vo; as M3GAN): I take it I'm supposed to Dr. Phil this?
M3GAN: Any time you want to tell me something special about your parents, you just tell me, and I'll keep it safe.
NC (vo): M3GAN doesn't miss a beat and legit gives Cady some good advice, even making some of the investors tear up.
Executive: (to Gemma and David) We need to launch this before anyone can steal it from us. She's the most valuable asset this company has.
NC (vo; as executive): That was amazing, but who's the awful guardian made her feel that way? (as Gemma) Oh, that's the Asian guy. (normal) On that note, when Gemma does try to parent more, Cady becomes more and more resistant.
(A therapist shows Cady some drawings, but the latter appears disinterested. M3GAN sits in the background.)
Therapist: Would you like to tell me what these drawings mean to you? (Cady stares, remaining silent.) There's no wrong answer. (Cady still says nothing.) Or maybe you don't have any specific thoughts.
NC: And again, if you're not laughing your ass off at M3GAN...
(He points to the camera. Then we cut back to the movie as the camera zooms in on M3GAN in the background.)
NC (vo): ...just watching them in the background out of focus...I don't know what to tell you; you might be the robot.
Therapist: (to Gemma) You've created a toy that's so real, it's possible that Cady might not see her as a toy, but as a primary caregiver.
NC: (as Gemma) That's fantastic! (holds up a pen and paper) Can I quote you on that? I'm totally gonna put that on the box!
NC (vo): Though the commentary is pretty spelled out, they do still make some pretty decent points.
Therapist: (to Gemma) If you make a toy that's impossible to let go of, then...how do you ever expect a child to grow?
NC: She can grow up obsessing over things from her childhood and eventually become...
Offscreen voice (Heather): Don't say it!
(NC holds up his index finger as an image of himself appears in the upper-right corner.)
NC: ...a YouTuber!
Malcolm: (hopping into the room) Critic! That Tam-bot ate my foot!
NC: Oh, come on now, how do you know it was her?
Malcolm: Because she said she was going to eat my foot, ripped my foot off, then ate my foot!!
NC: Well, let's just ask her. (calls out) T4M4R4, did you eat Malcolm's foot?
(In the hallway, T4M4R4 is eating something from a shoe, presumably belonging to Malcolm.)
T4M4R4: Yes.
NC: (to Malcolm) See? She had nothing to do with it.
Malcolm: SHE SAID "YES"!!!
NC: And?
Malcolm: Are you doing that thing where you're showing how all these characters always act delusional in these films, so you're acting delusional?
NC: Yes. It probably was the wind. Now go back to rehearsing your lines.
(Malcolm sighs and hops away, saying, "In July" over and over again in different afflictions. Then we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes as the executive addresses Gemma and David.)
NC (vo): Gemma is under orders to make sure nothing happens to their most valuable asset, so she brings M3GAN to an outdoor camp full of rowdy kids. Yeah, just toss her with the rest of the toys. Weren't they afraid people were gonna steal this idea?! Maybe seeing her in this lineup gets them thinking, "Eww! Nobody's gonna want to duplicate Lars and the Real Girl over there."
NC: It does lead to the most realistic reaction in the movie, though...
(Cady and M3GAN are seated in the back of Gemma's car together.)
Camp director: (to Cady about M3GAN) And who's this? Your sister?
(Cady and M3GAN stare at each other.)
Camp director: (startled) Oh, Jesus Christ!
NC (vo; as Gemma): Not yet, but I'm working on it. (normal) As these movies go, Cady is confronted by a bully [Brandon], and of course, M3GAN swoops in to save her.
Brandon (Jack Cassidy): (to Cady about M3GAN) Is she yours?
(Brandon walks up to M3GAN.)
NC (vo; as M3GAN): No, you're (voice turns demonic) MINE!
(Brandon grabs M3GAN and runs off with her.)
Cady: STOP IT!
(Meanwhile, the camp director is addressing Gemma.)
Camp director: And they say behavioral issues are...
(In the background, M3GAN is thrown across the screen and crashes hard (although this is all added in by NC).)
Cady: NO!
NC: (nodding and smiling) Most valuable asset!
(Brandon then sees the fallen M3GAN and grabs one of her legs. Then he sits down on her.)
NC: Uh, what's this rated again?
NC (vo): Oh, right, (A promotional image for Cuties is shown off to the side.) W for "watchlist".
Brandon: (grabbing M3GAN's arm) You're just a stupid rubber doll.
(Suddenly, however, M3GAN comes to life again and clamps her hand down hard on Brandon's wrist. She stares him right in the eye. His eyes widen in horror and he gasps.)
Otto (audio from A Fish Called Wanda): Don't call me "stupid".
(With her free hand, M3GAN grabs Brandon by his ear and pulls so hard on it that it actually comes off! He screams in pain.)
NC (vo): He lends her his ear and makes a run for it, just as M3GAN starts galloping after him.
(As Brandon runs for his life, M3GAN gets down on all fours and literally gallops after him.)
NC (vo): And yes, the sound of an actual horse galloping is included with that.
(Said sound is heard during the chase. As we cut back to NC, an image of Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown, showing King Arthur pretending to ride a horse while his squire, Patsy, bangs two coconut shells together to simulate hoofbeats.)
NC: Monty Python with their coconuts are saying, "Man, I wish we were that silly!"
(In trying to escape M3GAN, Brandon falls down a small cliff and lands hard on a country road, with a car coming at him.)
NC (vo; as driver): Hey, kid, watch it! You can get hit by a–
(But it's too late. The car hits Brandon. It comes to a stop. M3GAN watches from the top of the cliff. Nothing is left of Brandon but a single shoe.)
NC (vo; as driver): While you're down there, can you check the brake fluid? (normal) Gemma has suspicions about what happened, but Cady doesn't seem to be talking.
Gemma: If there's anything that you want to tell me that you didn't want to tell the police officers...
(Cady glances toward M3GAN, who blinks her eyes.)
NC (vo; as M3GAN): Stitches, girl. Stitches.
(Suddenly, they hear harsh knocking at the window. It's Gemma's neighbor who had the dog that attacked Cady and M3GAN.)
Neighbor: (pointing accusingly at Gemma) I know it was you, Gemma!
NC (vo): The neighbor keeps frantically searching for her dog and blames Gemma for her disappearance, which of course calls for another off-screening to death.
(M3GAN confronts the neighbor in the latter's garden shed. First, she sprays her with a high-pressure spray from the garden hose. The torrent of water is so strong that it slams her into the wall. She then falls to the floor. M3GAN blasts her again with the hose, causing her to roll across the floor.)
NC (vo; as M3GAN): Knock, knock. (as neighbor) Who's there? (as M3GAN) Floor. (as neighbor) Floor wh–
(M3GAN stomps her foot down on the neighbor, trapping her on the floor. Then M3GAN takes a nail gun and nails the neighbor's hands to the floor to not only hurt her, but prevent her from escaping. Finally, M3GAN ends the neighbor's life for good by dousing her with insecticide. The next morning, police and a coroner are on the scene.)
NC (vo): I love this random detective who acts like he just joined an improv group.
Police detective: (to Gemma) You were in the park when that boy was killed? I found the kid’s ear up this bank two hundred yards from where he was killed. Entire thing was ripped clean off. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh.
NC: You look and act like a Raimi brother who just discovered, "Hey, I can be movie, too!"
NC (vo): Gemma tries to go through M3GAN's databanks, but they seem to be corrupted.
(As Gemma watches a video of what happened to Brandon, it gets cut off by static, and the screen goes black, leaving only a message: "This video cannot be played." Then an image of Dennis Nerdy (from Jurassic Park) dressed like Elvis appears on the screen, wagging his finger at Gemma.)
Dennis: Ah, ah, ah! You didn't say the magic word.
Bruce: Is everything okay, Gemma?
Gemma: Why did you ask me if I was okay? You're not programmed to ask me how I feel.
NC: (as Gemma) Aw, shit, did I create life again? People try all their lives to do that! (holds up two fingers) How did I accidentally do it twice?!
NC (vo): Gemma finally takes matters into her own hands and takes M3GAN to the company, saying they can't do the launch. But the boss of course still wants to do it and forces them to fix the problem, only to have M3GAN to fix them.
(M3GAN's hands are held up by wires to hold her in place. One of Gemma's coworkers looks at her closely. Suddenly, however, she grabs him and throws him across the room. She then undoes her wires and wraps one of them around the coworker's neck.)
NC (vo; singing as M3GAN): ♫ I got no strings to hang you up... ♫
(M3GAN lifts David into the air while he struggles to untie the wires. Another coworker saves him, only for M3GAN to puncture a tank inside a mesh enclosure filled with flammable liquid. The enclosure has a sign on it reading "DANGER – Flammable Materials – No smoking or open flames within 50 feet".)
NC: (gasps) Oh, no! They're...
(The coworkers duck down as the enclosure explodes in a huge fireball. Sirens start wailing.)
NC: (confused) ...clearly saved by the test screenings. Okay.
(Meanwhile, David walks down the hall, talking on his cell phone.)
NC (vo): Well, at least the boss gets his comeuppance with – you guessed it – this one hundred percent pointless dance.
(Suddenly, David spots M3GAN in the hallway. She suddenly starts dancing to hip-hop to distract him.)
David: What are you doing?
NC: (shaking head) This scene is so great because it is entirely unprovoked.
NC (vo): Maybe for a second, we see M3GAN do what kind of looks like a dance with Cady, but nowhere else. It comes completely out of nowhere, and that's one of the reasons it's so funny.
(As M3GAN dances, synth music is heard and the words "MEME ME!" are sung and flashed on the screen. Then she grabs a huge blade. David sees what she intends to do with the blade and runs for his life to the elevator, where an assistant of his waits. But it's too late. M3GAN catches up with David and stabs him to death with the blade. The assistant sits in the corner of the elevator, cowering in terror as M3GAN confronts him next.)
NC (vo): She kills the boss, frightens the assistant so bad, all the blood from the scene is scared into the extended cut, and then kills him, too.
(M3GAN then leaves the Funki facility to a car, which she hijacks and takes off in, driving very fast.)
NC (vo): Jesus!
NC: Is she gonna put on shades and talk to William Daniels' voice next?
(Meanwhile, Gemma returns to her home, only to discover M3GAN there, playing the piano. Gemma gasps.)
NC: Jack Black playing (An image of Bowser from The Super Mario Bros. Movie playing "Peaches" on his piano is shown in the corner.) "Peaches" over and over is easier not to laugh at than (points to camera) this.
M3GAN: (putting her hand on Gemma's arm) I get it. You're a beautiful, creative, strong, ambitious young woman.
(Gemma looks visibly uncomfortable, not liking where this is going.)
NC (vo; as Gemma): Is M3GAN...hitting on me? (A promo image for Peter Pan Live! (where Allison Williams plays Peter) is shown in the corner.) She knows I'm not actually a boy, right?
(Suddenly, M3GAN lashes out at Gemma.)
M3GAN: You know something, Gemma? You're exhausting!
NC (vo): M3GAN terrifies Gemma with her CG on par with the Twilight baby, both the used and unused versions, but Cady interrupts to go Short Circuit 2 on her ass!
(Cady tries to cut M3GAN apart with an electric saw, but Cady only succeeds in disfiguring the rogue doll, now more pissed off than anything.)
NC (vo): Nothing seems to stop her, until Cady says...
Ellen Ripley (audio from Aliens): Get away from her, you bitch!
(Cady brings out Bruce the robot to fight M3GAN.)
NC (vo): ...and fights her off with Gemma's other robot. Yeah, that case worker's right; this is a terrible place to raise a child.
(Bruce manages to tear M3GAN's legs off. But her top half is still active, and she is more pissed off than ever and hell-bent on nothing less than Cady and Gemma's annihilation.)
Black Knight (audio from Monty Python and the Holy Grail): I'll bite your legs off!
(Gemma manages to rip M3GAN's face off, revealing the robotic workings under it. She then frantically tries to tear out the eyes and mouth until she exposes a processing chip. But before she can pull it out, M3GAN suddenly comes to life again and pins Gemma down.)
NC: (as Gemma) Damn it! Why'd I have to be an equally amazing and awful inventor?
(As M3GAN gets a hold of Gemma by her throat to strangle her to death, Cady watches in horror until she spots a screwdriver. Cady grabs the screwdriver and then charges at M3GAN with it. M3GAN turns sharply to Cady, but it's too late.)
NC (vo; as M3GAN): No! You'll...
(Cady impales the processing chip with the screwdriver, destroying it and thus destroying M3GAN once and for all.)
NC (vo; as M3GAN, powering down): ...void my guarantee...
(M3GAN falls over, lifeless.)
NC (vo): Cady makes it very clear that she's been the guardian the whole time. (Outside, Gemma's coworkers show up in a police car.) We see (An image of Duke from The G.I. Joe Movie is shown in the corner.) Duke came out of his coma. And everything seems to be okay. Except, the coffee maker now has a taste for blood.
NC: And that was M3GAN. Honestly, it's exactly what you'd expect, but...isn't it also exactly what you want?
(Footage of M3GAN plays out one more time as NC gives his final thoughts.)
NC (vo): As a horror commentary, it's passable enough, with decent writing and writing that isn't spectacular, but does stay with you. What really elevates it, though, is the camp. This film so easily could have winked too hard at the audience, but by playing it straight, while still working in some beautifully awkward imagery, it's a pretty good time. It's kind of cool we're living in an era where we're getting at least two new horror icons that are sure to stand the test of time: M3GAN and (An image of the following pops up...) Art the Clown. I miss having boogeymen that have their own unique take on mixing horror and laughter. M3GAN is a hilarious kind of creepy that knows how to make you awkwardly laugh in all the best ways. It's bizarre, it's surreal, and I get a feeling it's going to be enjoyed for a long time.
Malcolm: (crying out from offscreen) CRITIC!
NC: (sighs exasperatedly) Oh, now what?
(NC walks up to Malcolm, who is slumped on the floor.)
NC: Now what is it?!
Malcolm: She ate my legs!
(NC looks down and notices that Malcolm's legs are gone, with bloodstains where they once were!)
NC: Eh, walk it off. Where is she anyway?
(They look up to spot T4M4R4 in the hallway. She dances to synth music in almost the same way as M3GAN.)
NC: (cringing in horror) Oh, God!
Malcolm: Doesn't she know that dance is not a thing anymore?
NC: It's over four months old. In Internet years, that's like a century!
Malcolm: What are we gonna do?!
NC: (taking out his phone) I have a plan. (texts on it) Come...over...right...now... (sends text)
Malcolm: Who'd you text?
NC: Oh, you'll see...
(As T4M4R4 continues to dance, someone knocks on NC's door outside.)
NC: (holds up index finger) I'll get it!
(NC walks off while T4M4R4 keeps dancing.)
Malcolm: So? What's going on?
NC: The answer we've been waiting for!
(NC returns, putting a new battery in his phone, then proceeds to use it some more.)
Malcolm: Who's that?
NC: Oh, my neighbor. She was dropping off a phone battery. Mine was almost out of juice.
Malcolm: Oh, I-I thought...
NC: You thought I was gonna get Wednesday Addams and they were gonna do a little dance-off, right?
Malcolm: Yeah.
NC: (shakes head) Nah. I have something better: people having M3GAN and Wednesday dance off, thinking they're the first ones to do it!
(He holds up his cell phone. A video plays on it, showing alternating snippets of footage of Wednesday and M3GAN, in which the two titular characters dance in almost the exact same way. T4M4RA becomes concerned.)
Malcolm (in video): Ha ha! I bet nobody thought of this!
NC (in video): Look I'm playing them side by side! Pretty original, huh?
(As T4M4RA watches the video, she freaks out and starts going haywire.)
Tamara (in video): You guys see the show Wednesday? This is gonna sound crazy, but doesn't it remind you of M3GAN?
Malcolm (in video): I am so clever for noticing this!
NC (in video): The whole Internet! The dance-off you never expected!
Tamara (in video): How has TikTok not noticed this yet?
(T4M4R4 finally explodes! NC and Malcolm shield themselves.)
NC: Well, takes care of that.
(NC walks away.)
Malcolm: I'll just stay here.
NC: (offscreen) You do that.
(NC sits back down on the couch.)
NC: Bottom line, A.I. has come a long way, (holds up index finger) but nothing can replace that authentic human cringe. Isn't that right, Malcolm?
(It is revealed that Malcolm has now suddenly taken on T4M4R4's appearance.)
T4M4R4-Malcolm: You said it.
(Cut back to NC, who also now looks like T4M4R4.)
T4M4R4-NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (He suddenly explodes.)
Channel Awesome Tagline – David: What in the name of ever-loving Christ is this?
(The credits roll.)