Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. We've looked at a lot of early Image Comics here at Atop the Fourth Wall and I don't want to give the impression that Image was the only one cashing in on really dumb ideas at the time.
Linkara (v/o): Oh yes, Marvel and DC had their own books that went over the extremes of the 90's, be they ongoing titles that were changed or simply new books that featured dumb, despicable or downright disastrous title characters. Now, I know what some of you people are thinking. "The 90's again? Haven't you made your point about it yet?"
Linkara: And the answer is... Nope. So, let's dig into Lunatik No. 1 because I never get tired of making fun of this crap.
(Opening titles; Title card with "Vacation" by Vitamin C playing)
Linkara (v/o): Our cover is boring, incredibly boring. Here's a note to artists out there: somebody's face tells us nothing about the character, nor the story, nor anything that we actually give a damn about. It shows us his face, or, in this case, it's one ugly mug. Get this, there's more going on with the little pixie sitting there and she's got a spine that juts out in a right angle. Oh, but we do learn something about our quote unquote "hero," since we once again have to resort to being told things instead of showing us things. Plus, it's in small red text that's difficult to read, as if they were embarrassed by what they were writing.
Subtitle: He's rude and crude and stronger than a bull elephant!
Linkara: So, we're probably not going to find him working in data entry.
Subtitle: And he's coming to your world!
Linkara: Lunatik: Live and in concert!
Linkara (v/o): Oh wait, I seemed to have gotten his name wrong. In addition to the fact that his name is spelled with a 'K',...
(Because Poor Literacy is KEWL)
...He also evidently has an exclamation point instead of an 'I'.
We open to a splash page of what I'm assuming is supposed to be planets, but instead it looks like the artist just got bored and started scribbling lines all over like a four-year-old.
Narration: Four or five billion years on the very edge of all that we know, Wy'nkar-1 condensed out of interstellar gas and stardust.
Linkara:(as Narration) The previous administration is still being scrutinized about it.
Narration: This newborn planet floated in the cosmos like a mote of dust caught by the sun shining through the outhouse window.
Linkara: Ooh, good call, making us think of toilets while we read your comic.
Narration: But this was no typical world - not a dead chunk of rock or barren ball of gas, but a fertile place, one pregnant with potential.
Linkara:(as narration) Not like that stupid planet Earth. I mean, what was that thing, like a rock or a gas giant?
Narration: Gentle fingers of lightning and ultraviolet light stroked the simple fresh atmosphere, the fragments coaxed to recombine into more and more complex molecules.
Linkara: So, planetary formation is just God giving a sensual massage to the universe? Eww.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, by the way, the first five pages are all narration of this order, detailing the evolution of life on this planet in grandiose fashion. Really, it comes off more like you're watching someone narrating a Let's Play of Spore.
Narration: Until one day, quite by accident, a singularly ferocious one-celled organism arose.
Linkara (v/o): Umm, that's a fish not a one-celled organism. What's really fascinating about this is that it claims that this single organism, as it grew with an herbivore, eventually ate off far too much of the planet's ecosystem. Okay, just looking at this thing, it’s not a plant eater. And it sure as hell wouldn't eat off so many of the world's plants that the planet itself become sentient and tries to kill it, which this comic says it does. Anyway eventually the creature that would become Lunatik, or rather Lunat-exclamation point-kuh, consumed all remaining life on the planet and just stared off into it's inconceivable sky filled with planets far too large to be so close to the one he was on.
Linkara: And in case you're wondering, no, we never do see his face behind the heavy amounts of ink on it.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, a spaceship lands on the planet, apparently from some intergalactic church, an intergalactic church of circus clowns.
Linkara:(unenthusiastic) Crap, this is a comedy, isn't it.
Narration: It was then that Reverent Circus XVII forgot the first rules of approaching a sharp-toothed life-form with claws bigger than your head.
Editor's Note: The narration box reads "Reverent Circus Pants XVII" in the comic.
Linkara: Make sure they're wearing pants?
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, he steals their ship and flies off apparently ending up on the planet Bl’lx. No, I don't know how to pronounce it and frankly I don't much care either. A lot of time has passed and since now he's learned to wear clothes and even as a sidekick, a little pixie named Skreet. Okay, in fairness, this is actually not Lunatik’s first appearance. He evidently appeared in a few other Marvel comics before he landed this miniseries, so maybe those explained where in the hell he got the pixie. But this was mid-90s Marvel. Why no editor’s box telling us where to read more about this ...umm, “dynamic new character.” Okay, they didn't want anybody to read anything else involving this guy. I get it. They're watching TV and broadcasts from Earth, which must be like a thousand years old considering that I doubt Bl’lx is anywhere near our solar system, and Lunatik is cheesed off when some clown guy claims himself to be Lunatik.
Lunatik: Whaaaat? I am Lunatik!!! Me! There can be only one!
(Cut to clip from Highlander)
Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert): There can be only one.
Linkara (v/o): Now a completely pointless two-page cameo of Thanos, the guy who wanted to literally date death.
Narration: Thanos, the spurned lover of death. Thanos, former keeper of the Reality Gem. Thanos, who was once a god.
Linkara:(as narration) Thanos, who has nothing to do with this comic. Wouldn’t you rather be reading about him? Well, tough cookies, you get Lunatik, suckers.
Linkara (v/o): So, we see Lunatik flying through space on a tank as being flown via some sort of purple space cockroaches like freaking reindeer with Santa's sleigh.
Lunatik: Nevermind number one, I am the only one!
Linkara: Well, they do say number one is a hard time in the making.
Linkara (v/o): Lunatik flies down to earth and- Dear God, I'm bored! There's unfunny banter between Lunatik and Skreet that makes me want to kill myself and I can't help but feel that this whole thing is just another Lobo ripoff like Liefeld's Bloodwolf from Darker Image number 1.
(Cut to comics featuring Lobo)
Linkara (v/o): As such, let's talk about Lobo for a second, the main man, intergalactic space biker. Lobo is funny. He is pure machismo and machoness and, above all else, parody. Nobody takes Lobo seriously. Lobo is the last Czarnian, because he killed all the others, and is a bounty hunter and is even in the comic that I’d like to promote, 52. Lunatik is not Lobo. Lunatik is just a badly drawn annoyance who lacks the charm of a guy who can smoke a cigar in the vacuum of space.
(Back to Lunatik)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the pink-skinned terror of Lunatik crashes into a retirement home since they traced the “impersonator” Lunatik there. Skreet points out why they're there.
Skreet: Hey, bright boy! That low tech transmission must’a taken decades to get to us while they're “Lunatik” grew old.
Linkara (v/o): Even if we accepted that it was only a few decades, the transmission only talked about Spider-Man and the Defenders being the ones who were facing Lunatik. Are we actually seeing the future here? Oh, and if you don't care about the science, instead let's go down and see that Lunatik has killed someone in the rubble and there's…um, the underpants note? He says he still has to kill the other Lunatik and does so, going into a bathroom and killing him off panel.
Linkara: Our hero, everyone! Murders helpless old men.
Linkara (v/o): Lunatik enters the TV room where his purple... reindeer things are watching TV. Seeing the amount of violence in the world, Lunatik decides…
Lunatik: Heeey! I haven't had me a vacation... in years!
Another editor's note: In the comic, Lunatik never said "I".
Linkara: Good idea, Lunatik. Let's take a vacation. I'll finish the review when I get back.
(Linkara puts down the comic and walks off-screen.)
(Caption appears in a black background: "Three months later". Vitamin C's "Vacation" plays.)
(Linkara walks back to his futon and picks up the comic)
Linkara:(exhausted) They caught up with me outside Molossia.
Linkara (v/o): We cut to Avengers Mansion where the Black Widow hears knocking at the door. We also get a caption box that helpfully informs us:
Caption box: Events here take place before The Crossing, if you care about that kind of thing.
Linkara: Yes, I do, actually. So thanks for NOT giving me info earlier.
Linkara (v/o): If you're wondering what The Crossing is, it was an absolutely craptastic Avengers crossover from the mid-90s. Don't expect me to review it anytime soon though. To be perfectly honest, the thing is so damn confusing I don't even know where it starts or ends. Anyway, it's Lunatik at the door, who rushes in wearing vacation clothes and carrying luggage. Comedy! The Black Widow tries to stop him, but then his little reindeer frog things-- Seriously, what the hell are those things?-- come rushing in and knock her over. We cut to Hercules making his way out of the Mansion's gym.
Narration: Hercules the prince of power after a grueling 4 hour workout has... pits!
Linkara: Thank you, comic for making me think of Hercules' armpit sweat. You're just making it all the easier for me to toss you against the wall when this is over with!
Linkara (v/o): When he hears Lunatik inside of the bathroom, he forces himself in. Giant Man gets to meet with the purple leap frogs and calls for the other Avengers. The Avengers promptly tell Lunatik to get his ass out of their mansion, don't know know why they don't just shoot him with lasers or something and they would have made this excruciating exercise a hell of a lot more tolerable. So, Lunatik leaves without putting up a fight and he starts asking Skreet what she thinks of all this, but it turns out he doesn't have Skreet anymore but instead The Wasp.
Lunatik: Hmmph! Trying to shovel off some kind of imposter on me? Well, don't worry, Skreet, ‘cause I'm going to save ya!
Linkara (v/o): And so our comic ends with this dumbass text.
Caption Box: Next: You guessed it. One heck of a BIG FIGHT!
Linkara: Actually, I was expecting 22 pages of Lunatik getting repeatedly kneed in groin while I laugh in the delightful expression of schadenfreude. This comic sucks like you wouldn't believe.
Linkara (v/o): The artwork is terrible, the jokes aren't funny, the main character is annoying, stupid and unlikable, the story itself is the biggest joke of all, six pages of padding about his birth, a few pages dedicated to him being completely out of its gourd, and then a couple more with him in the Avengers Mansion for no reason than to waste our time.
Linkara: So remember kids, early Image Comics may have pioneered it, but stuff like Lunatik cemented the suckage.
(Linkara puts down the comic and walks off-screen.)
(A caption box appears: "What was Linkara doing outside of Molossia? Watch 'Kickassia' to find out! --- Linkin' Linkara")