Love Hina Spring Movie
April 28th, 2014
As much as Sage has called Violence Jack his "white whale," Love Hina seems to have tortured him even more. In the two years since starting Anime Abandon, Bennett has taken down The Love Hina Christmas Special, and then had Suave do his dirty work with Love Hina... Again?! The circle completes itself in this episode...but will Sage survive the stupidity?
Kyle: Error #247: in your Yu Yu Hakusho review, sir, at about 3 minutes, 20 seconds in, you state that the term "kuwabara" was a superstitious term used to ward off evil spirits. [barely holds back laughter] That is so wrong, that I can hardly believe it wasn't a joke. It's a word meant to ward off lightning, not evil spirits.
Sage: [disinterested] Are you done?
Kyle: Yes. For now.
Sage: Yes, I appreciate your...enthusiastic criticism, but, can you save them for when I'm not recording my episodes?'
Kyle: [holds green clipboard to his face and sighs] Fine, I suppose you're too busy shooting fish in a barrel to listen to my criticisms anyway.
Sage: What's that supposed to mean?
Kyle: Oh, save it, your last two episodes were just, [smacks pen against clipboard as he talks] borderline pornography. I doubt you had to stretch a few brain cells to come up with a clever script for those.
Sage: Okay, you listen here. Just because my last few episodes were on easy targets doesn't mean I'm slacking off!
Kyle: You, sir, you, were in a Hawaiian shirt, sipping...from a frou-frou drink. A frou-frou drink! You put more effort into your Ultimate Teacher review, and that was literally a review were you did...no reviewing.
Sage: Says the guy who puttered around his apartment talking about Slacker!
Kyle: Oh, you know very well that I was being facetious, and just illustrating the kind of--
Sage: JOKE, Kyle. It was a joke.
Kyle: Look, I know you can do better than making stupid jokes at easy targets, so, why are you deliberately wasting your time on this garbage?
Sage: You think this is easy? Heh. Here, watch this. [takes out a remote control] I think it'll be very illuminating.
[scene transitions to a 60s-esque sepia-toned educational short called "Anime Abandon...and YOU!". The scene cuts to a shot of a guy wearing a bandana sitting on his couch looking at his laptop, pointing at it and laughing, and then pondering at the camera]
Narrator: Many of you have come to enjoy the comedy and intellectual dissertation of Anime Abandon. But I'm willing to bet my very last dollar that not many of you know how the show is made! Well it starts here. [cuts to shots of Sage sleeping in bed] Old Man Sage begins each script by dreaming of it the night before. He's had two pints of gin and an entire bottle of nail polish remover. Waking from his reverie, he wakes up for his daily ritual. [he goes to the bathroom] Inspiration can be a fickle and messy mistress. [he writes on a piece of paper using a quill] He works over his choice of anime to review, and begins the process of scripting. He works, using parchment stripped from the tree of life, ink pigmented from the blood of Christ, and a quill plucked from the last known griffin. After rendering several drafts, [types draft on an Acer laptopl, then sits back and smiles] he types the finalized draft on a $500 laptop, and e-mails it to the Engineer.
[cut to the Engineer's office, where his computer chair is empty, sans a whiteboard reading "THIS BIT IS FUCKING STUPID & I'M NOT DOING IT!! - The Engineer"]
Narrator: The Engineer takes a copy to a wise hermit, on the far out crops of a foreign land called Pennsylvania. He listens to what the hermit has to say, mocks him for his bald spot, and admits to deliberately wasting his time. It's this meticulous process that gives Anime Abandon its one-of-a-kind appeal.
[cut to footage of Sage talking to the Engineer, and the both of them brandishing plastic guns, followed by Sage talking to the camera]
With the script finalized, shooting begins, and no detail is left unchecked and unverified. The perfect accent is chosen for the Engineer, the finest handmade plastic props are used, and most important of all, the hat can only be from the Jameson whiskey distillery in Cork, Ireland. After each episode for the month is shot, [Bennett uses Adobe Premiere, then we see the guy from the opening again] Bennett edits them, using Adobe Premiere Pro. He uploads the episode for an eagerly anticipating audience, and the whole process begins again the next month. So the next time you wonder how Bennett continues to amaze you time and time again, now you'll know.
[end card: God bless the Review-niverse (C) Dr. Bear Pictures MMXIV]
Sage: Well, Kyle, what do you think?
Kyle: [stares in silence, absolutely bewildered, before raising his finger and yelling, much like the ending to the 70s remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers] YoooooOOOOOUUUUUUU--
[Anime Abandon 2.0 opening plays, then fades to Sage sitting, looking deceptively calm]
Sage: [calmly] Well, we started this journey open-ended. And there's only one question in my mind. [suddenly shouting] HOW THE FUCK DID LOVE HINA GET POPULAR?!?!
Sage (VO): Honestly, reading the Wikipedia page on Love Hina is more depressing than sitting through Angela's Ashes! More than a million DVDs sold. Over 13 million manga volumes shipped. Countless anime industry awards. Love Hina 's popularity is more inexplicable than Boba Fett's!
Sage: The Christmas special made the baby Jesus regret ever being born. Love Hina Again was the anime equivalent of a botched circumcision. But Love Hina: The Spring Movie...is worse than those two combined.
Sage (VO): [with great hatred] Unfunny, obnoxious, and totally bereft of a reason to exist, the Spring Movie is one of my most hated pieces of animation I've ever seen. I shudder thinking about having to face this abomination again.
Sage: But I have to! If anything, for closure's sake, I spent two! Years! Riding this pain train, and it's finally time for it to careen off the rails, and into magnificent oblivion. [puts on sunglasses] Burn, you motherfucker...burn.....
Sage (VO): We begin with the chronic annoyance Shinobu telling her friend about a boy who confessed his love for her.
Random Girl: Wow, he confessed his love for you. Well, what did he say?
Shinobu: He said that we might not be in the same class together next year, so he wants an answer from me by then.
Random Girl: And? What are you gonna say?
Shinobu: What do you mean? It's the first time anyone's ever said they loved me, and I never thought about dating before.
A Bunch of Other Girls and a Turtle: [randomly popping out on the ledge above the coffee table Shinobu and random girl are talking at. I don't know the names of these characters and don't feel like looking them up] What?! But why not?!
Shinobu: Agh, you guys!
Girl with Akari Akaza-Esque Hairbuns: Tell me, is this boy handsome?
Random Girl: He's on the soccer team!
Hairbun Girl: How nice!
Girl with Short Hair: Or is there somebody else who you love?
Sage: [stammering] DOES EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN DUB HAVE TO SOUND LIKE THEY'RE WHISPERING THROUGH THE WRONG END OF A PICCOLO?!?!
Sage (VO): I know that these characters are teenage girls, but why do they ALL have to sound alike? Honestly, I thought Shinobu had gone crazy and was talking to herself!
Sage: Now that is a thought. Shinobu talking and acting like the crazy schizophrenic homeless person you'd see on the bus...
Shinobu: [dubbed by Sage] My mouth is full of the sounds of people walking their damn dogs! [beat] Why are my pockets full of beans?
Sage (VO): Well, seeing as how that scene went nowhere, the show flashes to Keitaro and the single worst fictional character in the history of storytelling, Naru.
Naru: Have you got some time to talk a while?
Keitaro: Uh, yeah, sure.
[Naru takes a cat plushie out of a hole in the dorm room floor, which leads to downstairs where Keitaro is. Then, she slips through the hole, with Keitaro catching her as they both collapse to the ground. If you're familiar with this show, then you get exactly one guess as to where this scene is going.]
Sage: One, how in the hell did she slip down that hole? Two, why was she walking towards that hole, if not to slip down that hole? Three, why the fuck haven't they FIXED that hole the whole time they were there?! Four, WHY THE HELL AM I STILL WATCHING THIS SHIT?!
[If you guessed "Keitaro accidentally lands on Naru's boobs while unintentionally groping her", you win! And your prize is seeing Keitaro running away from Naru as she wakes up, crouching for dear life as, while she hasn't hurt him now just yet, she has a tendency to punch the living daylights out of him if he does something even slightly "bad"]
Keitaro: Naru, I'm so sorry, please don't hurt me!!
Sage: [sarcastically laughing and slapping his knee] Someone cowering in the corner because they're afraid their significant other is going to lash out over an honest mistake! Heh ha ha, WHOO, domestic abuse is hilarious!
Sage (VO): And true to abusive relationships, the aggressor's mood shifts on a dime, and Naru tries laughing the mistake off. Looks like her medication has finally started to take effect! Too bad this has no effect on the absolutely terrible writing.