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Goldfinger
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Release date
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November 9, 2015
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Running time
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15:21
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Bram Stoker's Dracula
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The Dom compares the 1959 James Bond novel Goldfinger with its 1964 film adaptation.
Intro[]
(shows James Bond in the Goldfinger film, accompanied by masseuse Dink and about to speak with Felix Leiter)
James Bond: Dink, say goodbye to Felix.
Dink: Hunnh?!
James Bond: Ehhh, man talk.
(turns Dink around and sends her away, slapping her rear as she exits)
The Dom: (tugs at his shirt collar) Uhhhhhhh, still less sexist than the book.
Poll[]
People Asked: 33
Saw the Film: 22
Read the Book: 4
The Dom: Hello, Beautiful Watchers. The name's Dom, *The* Dom. (a crowd heckles him) Ahhh, come on, you would have done the same thing.
What do I even need to say about 007? The 24th movie in this series is on the horizon (text appears reading "Or at least it was when I recorded that...was it good?"), a series that's spanned 53 years and seen seven different incarnations (text appears reading "(I like to include David Niven)") of the legendary MI6 agent. I've actually been sitting on this one for quite a while; it took me some time to fully process my thoughts on the book after I finished it. And I gotta admit, I am not going to be an Ian Fleming fan anytime soon; it's a combination of not really liking the way the book was written and being constantly shocked by the abundance of racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, and homophobia -- I swear the words "yellow-faced bastard" were significantly used more in the book than the word "Korean" ever was; and at one point, Bond actually associates in his head the word "masculine" with "master" and the word "feminine" with "slave". This was shortly after telling a girl he just met and whose car he *deliberately* crashed into to go and make him a sandwich -- I'm not kidding; that's actually what he does. (looks around awkwardly) Ummm...Reginald, I *may* have overplayed it slightly and made it kind of awkward. Would you play the title card, please? (in falsetto) Thank yooooou!
What They Didn't Change[]
The Dom (V.O.): The first half of the movie is almost shockingly accurate to the book. After finishing up a mission in Mexico, Bond stops by Miami on the way home and ends up foiling an international gold smuggler's card racket and bonking his secretary. Shortly later, he's given the task of investigating the same man's organization, finding out how he's transporting his gold abroad, and bringing him to justice. He gets to know his target over a game of golf in which they both cheat, but Bond cheats slightly better. He then places a tracker on Goldfinger's car and follows him across a stretch of Europe. Along the way, he crosses paths with another person on Goldfinger's tail and sabotages her vehicle in order to get her out of the way. He then sneaks into Goldfinger's smelting factory and discovers that Goldfinger has been transporting his gold across the borders by smelting it down and turning it into the body work of his Rolls-Royce. He runs into his old friend from the road again shortly before Goldfinger catches them both. Goldfinger is talked out of killing him by Bond bluffing that he knew way more than he actually did about his plan so that he would be more use to him alive.
It's around this point that things start to go seriously awry, but there *are* still some bits of the book that made it into the second half of the film: that Goldfinger had a lackey with an all-female gang and an *incredibly* suggestive name (shows Pussy Galore); that he managed to get all the mob bosses from all the different organized crime units in America together in a single room; and that his ultimate plan was to break into the famous Fort Knox, but he was foiled when Bond managed to get word to the CIA and they had the U.S. Army set up a trap for them -- finishing off with Goldfinger attempting to get revenge on Bond by kidnapping him, an attempt that ended with his plane and a large portion of his gold sinking to the bottom of the sea. Both the book *and* the film end with Bond getting a little something-something from Pussy Galore. That Goldfinger had a private army of Korean immigrants led by an untalkative gentleman with an *unusually* deadly hat (shows Oddjob) is accurate, as is Bond's badass Aston Martin (text appears reading "(Slightly older model though)"). The "murder via suffocating someone's skin with gold paint" thing is true to the book, and it was *equally* bollocks there...unless Jill was secretly related to Quiet from Metal Gear! Did anyone consider *that*, hm?!
(shows James Bond and another man, both played by The Dom, in an upscale bar)
James Bond: Dry martini, bartender, shaken...not stirred.
Man: You're...you're kidding, right?
James Bond: What?
Man: If you shake ice in a drink, it melts so much faster and waters down the whole thing. Only amateur martini drinkers ever ask for it shaken.
James Bond: Good Lord, then...I've been saying it wrong for almost half a century?
Man: Yes. Yes you have.
What They Changed[]
The Dom (V.O.): The biggest change to this, or any other Bond movie, has got to be Bond himself. What comes into your head when you think of "Bond, James Bond"? Suave, sophisticated, charming -- kind of -- cool, calm, collected, witty? Book Bond, in my humble opinion, is *none* of these things; he's a grumpy, depressed, chauvinistic, irresponsible, alcoholic jackass with little to no love for his job and a short attention span. Now, you're probably wondering, "Does this mean the semi-reboot with Daniel Craig is spot-on?" Actually, no; they got his behavior slightly better, but they didn't nail the character. Bond isn't drinking 'cause he's haunted by all the people he's killed or the love he's lost; he's just drinking 'cause he does not give a *fuck* anymore.
In the first two chapters alone, Bond puts away four double bourbons on the rocks, a vodka martini, and an entire pint of champagne; then when he's approached by Mr. DuPont and his offer to join him for an expensive dinner and free hotel room, he *instantly* agrees without a second thought because it sounded good and he knew if it was a trap, he was enough of a badass that he could just fight his way out of it. Ye merciful gods, I've just realized -- Archer isn't a Bond *parody*; he's the most *accurate* fucking adaption *out there*!!
It's also interesting to note that Bond's signature way of saying his name and his signature way of asking for a martini were not in the book. In the case of the drink, I understand that won't be an issue anymore, as, in the next film, he's going to be drinking Heineken -- because these days, Bond is a spy second and an ADVERTISING PROSTITUTE first.
Now, the few changes that occurred in the first half were: Bond's first meeting with Goldfinger in Florida, where he discovers the manner in which he's been cheating in cards, wasn't *actually* an official mission. Bond happened to meet DuPont in the airport, who remembered him from when they played cards together in the events of Casino Royale. He told Bond about this bloke he's *sure* is cheating him at cards and, guessing that Bond was involved in espionage in some way or another, hired him to find out how he was doing it. Bond was essentially moonlighting out of boredom; it was *pure* coincidence that his target turned out to be his next MI6 mission -- I guess America is much smaller than I thought.
In the book, MI6 suspected Goldfinger, who was supposedly an Englishman, of secretly being Russian; in the film, he has a pronounced Russian accent.
Captain Blackadder: Because, sir, not even the Germans would be stupid enough to field a spy with a strong German accent.
The Dom (V.O.): Originally, Jill Masterson wasn't murdered until long after Bond had gone back to England; so he didn't know about it until Tilly told him about it later. For all of his failings, Bond of the book actually had a streak of humanity in him; so it's unlikely he could have played a game of friendly golf with a guy who killed his recent lover. Tilly Masterson's poor attempt to snipe Goldfinger that nearly hit Bond didn't happen in the book, so you weren't left wondering how Goldfinger could possibly be deaf enough not to have noticed them.
The last third of the film is written with bizarre changes that serve to imbue the story with a big old helping of "pointless". In the book, Goldfinger's plan was indeed to steal the gold, an idea scoffed at in the film because of the impossible logistics involved. I mean, to pull *that* off, you'd need to have the collective resources of all the organized crime units in America -- oh, wait, that's exactly what he had. Seeing as his plan in the film was just to dirty nuke the gold, he didn't need their help; so he just gassed them all so he wouldn't have to pay them what he owed them -- but then why the *fuck* did he bother with that presentation explaining the plan of attack to them before KILLING THEM ALL?! (a "POINTLESS" stamp appears) Pointless!
In the book, Goldfinger very quietly murdered the one mob boss who wasn't game while still inside the building he owned and casually mentioned it to the others, who thought it was quite funny. In the film, why the *fuck* did he give him a suitcase full of gold; drive him down the road; shoot him in *broad daylight*, increasing the chances of witnesses tenfold; then crush the car and take it *right* back to where he STARTED?!! (another "POINTLESS" stamp appears) Pointless! If he was gonna kill them all anyway, why did he bother separating the naysayer in the first place?! (another "POINTLESS" stamp appears) Pointless! Seeing as he had a bunch of bodies to dispose of anyway, why the hell did he bother crushing a perfectly good car to hide *this* one?! (another "POINTLESS" stamp appears) POINTLESS!! Why didn't Oddjob just take the suitcase of gold *out* of the car *before* it was crushed so they wouldn't have to take the cube full of blood and guts back to the farm?! (another "POINTLESS" stamp appears) POINTLESS!!
Also, Goldfinger's plan doesn't even make any sense! He said he was going to irradiate the gold for 50 years and throw the American economy into whack, but...I'm assuming he must know no one *actually* trades the *actual* gold -- money just *represents* the gold; who gives a fuck if it glows in the dark?! Hells, the American government can simply spoil his whole plan by simply not *admitting* the gold's been tampered with! His entire scheme is (more "POINTLESS" stamps appears) POINTLESS, POINTLESS, POINTLESS, POINTLESS, POINTLESS- (descends into unintelligible ranting)
(cuts to a kaleidoscopic image with the word "POINTLESS" in the middle and text at the bottom reading "We'll be right back!", as Pachelbel's Canon plays)
The Dom (V.O.): I'm okay, I'm okay. (inhales deeply)
Originally, Goldfinger's plan was to drop the poison used to neutralize Fort Knox and the surrounding area into the nearby water supply; however, I guess that wasn't cool enough for the film, so they changed it to an airborne gassing dropped from stunt planes. Now, the problem with this particular change is that, while I'm not an expert on American national security, I'm pretty sure a wing of unidentified aeroplanes appearing *over* a military base without a *flight plan* might actually attract some attention from the Air Force *before* they reach their target.
In the film, after being won over by the power of Sean Connery's magic penis, Pussy Galore turns on Goldfinger, informs the CIA of his plans, and switches out the deadly poisoned gas for something harmless. However, in the book, she doesn't switch sides until *after* the plan was already thwarted and they were on the plane Goldfinger had hijacked. So, how does Bond foil the dastardly plan in the novel? Heeeee left a message in the jet's toilet. Yep, he *heroically* wrote down Goldfinger's plan; stuck it in a capsule; hid it *under* the toilet seat with a note saying there would be a cash reward for taking it to the British Embassy; an airport janitor found it; and it made its way to the CIA, who arrested Goldfinger's men before they could poison the water main and set up the trap for Goldfinger and the mafia -- so, essentially, in the book, Esteban here (shows a Hispanic janitor) played as big a part in saving the world as Bond did.
In the book, Felix and the army have at least a modicum of tactical experience; so they spring the trap just as Goldfinger's gang was *approaching* their building, not after they were already inside it. And there was no atomic bomb to defuse; therefore, Oddjob and Bond's final showdown inside the vault never actually happened. FYI, in the book, Felix has a hook hand because...y'arrrrr.
To my great disappointment, the machine gun-toting grandma isn't in the book; but she *is* fucking hilarious. Every single movie in the universe could be greatly improved by having an old lady with a Thompson, even in the unlikely event that it already has one (shows an elderly woman with a machine gun in Captain America: The First Avenger) -- they can have *two*; why not?!
Tilly *is* eventually killed by Oddjob's killer hat in the book; but it wasn't until much, much later in the story -- she's taken prisoner *with* Bond and brought along with the gold heist. You *might* think that this means she's another Bond girl, but you'd be mistaken. She wasn't a love interested of Bond's; she *was* a love interest for Pussy Galore -- I'll come back to *that* later.
The iconic laser was not, alas, in the book, having originally been a circular grinder. I can't say this change makes it any more *pleasant* for Bond, but let me just check my chart. (shows a chart of "Ways Villains Might Kill You", with buzzsaws/grinders toward the "Lame" end and lasers toward the "Awesome" end) Yes, it makes it a lot *cooler*.
I feel I have to point out that by changing it so that Pussy was A. Goldfinger's personal henchman and not the leader of one of the gangs he brings in, and B. Having her switch sides *before* the heist instead of afterwards, means that she was *aware* that the gas was poisoned, not knockout; but she let her flying troop drop it anyway, therefore making them a party to attempted mass murder while the CIA were fully clued in to the plot. The bitch betrayed all her loyal friends for the sake of one guy who FORCED himself on her!
Now, as I mentioned earlier, Bond and Oddjob didn't have their showdown in the gold vault; so the silent antagonist was sans electrocution and actually on the plane with Bond, Goldfinger, and Pussy, and it was *his* fate to be sucked out of the window, not Goldfinger's. So how did Goldfinger die? Well, Bond beat him to death. That's it -- no clever gadgets, no amusing foreshadowing; Bond just kept *hitting him* and *hitting him* in the face until he stopped breathing. Yeah, I mean, it got the job done; but it's hard to imagine someone going back to being suave after that.
(shows The Dom as Bond punching Goldfinger repeatedly off-screen until his hands turn bloody, eventually stopping, wiping his bloody hand on his forehead, and straightening his tie)
James Bond: You musta been hungry, Goldfinger; you had quite a lot of that knuckle sandwich.
(he starts to break down)
What They Left Out Altogether[]
The Dom (V.O.): There's actually a bit of a contradiction here: the book is a lot longer than the film, but the film left virtually nothing out -- in fact, they added in a bunch of stuff, like a visit to Q Branch and car chases that weren't in there before. How can this be, you ask? It's...the way it was written -- ughhh, the way it was written. Fleming describes *everything* Bond does on a level of minute detail that makes it a chore to get through *every* *single* *chapter*. If you're starting a car, *every* gear change, *every* signal, *every* douchebag undertaking and flipping off of other motorists is chronicled. During the golf scene, I was skipping entire paragraphs dedicated to describing swing angles, wind resistance, sunlight glare, and follow-through. Hells, even stuff like Bond taking a fucking *photograph* took almost a whole *page* because Fleming just *had* to describe what type of camera he had with him, what roll of *film* he was putting in it, and the type of *bulb* he was using in the flash! If you're interested in reading about every minutia of Bond's life, I'm sure this won't bother you; but it took CONSIDERABLE EFFORT on my part not to fall asleep during what *should* have been some nerve-wracking scenes in the book.
So, yeah, they pretty much covered every plot point in the storyline; but...we should probably talk about SMERSH. SMERSH is a fictional Soviet secret intelligence and international espionage agency that features heavily in the Bond *novels*, but never directly in any of the films, aside from the occasional vague reference or hint.
Goldfinger: You have been recognized -- let's say by one of your opposite numbers, who is *also* licensed to kill.
The Dom (V.O.): It's an abbreviation of...(shows the full name "Spetsyalnye MEtody Razoblacheniya SHpyonov") Oh, good Lord, uhhhhh, "Spetsynin MEt-" Okay, no. The role it would have played in the other films is filled by the less silly-sounding -- and also less Russian-affiliated -- global terrorist organizations Spectre and Quantum. In *this* film, it was supposed to transpire that Goldfinger was a SMERSH treasurer, a Russian deep cover agent who's been sent abroad to set himself up as a seemingly legitimate businessman and make sure all the field agent have all the money they need to go about their naughty business. It's pretty much completely left out, and Goldfinger's just in it for himself. Amusingly, they left out the part where Goldfinger makes Bond his secretary while he has him prisoner -- it's mostly typing and minute keeping and stuff. Real heroic there, 007; you finally know how Moneypenny feels.
My own personal favorite thing from the book that the film left out? Pussy Galore and her hot pilot friends were an *all-lesbian* team of criminal trapeze artists! Isn't that cool? Although the author managed to turn *that* into something incredibly offensive, too, as, right at the end, Pussy admits that she was only really a lesbian in the first place because she'd been molested by her uncle as a child; but Bond's rugged, manly ways had cured her and turned her straight again -- ended on a real high note there, didn't you, Fleming, you unbelievable *jackass*?
The Dom's Final Thoughts[]
The Dom: The film is a mindless, plothole-ridden cliché-fest that follows the exact same formula as every other Bond movie out there; but it's a fairly harmless popcorn flick that managed to become the definitive spy movie to quote and parody for the next several decades. Like the rude grandfather you try and keep new girlfriends from meeting for as long as possible, with a certain amount of patience, it's possible to just tell yourself that the book's casual fascism is just a product of its time; but I'd still have to officially stick a warning label on it for the easily offended. Honestly, the writing format, with its *overly* descriptive nature, bothered me way, way more; but that's probably just me, I guess. I genuinely don't know how these books became popular enough to be turned into movies; but...you know, I'm...glad they were -- and I'm glad the adapters knew that amping up the silly and downplaying the boring was the best way to go. Final, final thoughts: I'd have to say, if you're a big fan of the 007 movies and you haven't read any of the books yet, I...wouldn't bother, to be honest; you're not gonna get anything out of them. (shrugs his shoulders)