Lost In Translation (Bromance Version)
Date Aired
November 29th, 2012
Running Time

(we open on the title card "Skyfall", then go to City De La Bandoned. Donnie-as-Bond, Tacoma-as-Silva and Rebecca-as-Severine all look very dashing in suit, suit and halter dress respectfully. We also have two pouty guards played by Donnie and Rebecca)

Silva: As you can see, Mr Bond, Mommy has been very bad. She told you you were Jet Lee when really you're just a second-rate Stephen Seagal. To prove this, I have placed a fifty year old Scotch on [Severine's] head. Take your shot Mr Bond.

Bond: Alright. [takes out the guards]

Silva: Ohh, this was stupid. (gets shot himself)

Bond: Good thing I killed him now instead of letting him be a threat later.

Severine: Yes, that would be unbelievably stupid.

Bond: I could never shoot you. Classy, sweet, pure as gold, you are my everything.

Severine: Take it Mr Bond, take everything.

Bond: Far ahead of you.

(she leans in for a kiss and he takes the scotch glass instead)

Bond: You are my everything.

Severine: Hey!

Bond: Sorry baby, but fifty years is irreplaceable. Unless you're me of course in which case you've been switched out more times than Doctor Who.

(disgusted, she hits him with both hands, cut to credits)

SWAG Leader: I have a secret report from within the Guild. Four people have come to our attention, regarding a plot that could jeopardize the Swede Actor's Guild. Donnie DuPre and his team have refused our orders to halt their production company, Demo Reel. While they are still small, and unaware of their talent, our analysis indicates that there is a danger. I recommend sending several guild agents to their location to stop them by any means possible. The cheap must flow.

(cut to Donnie heartbreakingly excited)

Donnie: So! How'd we do? (Tacoma stares at him and his smile gets fixed) Don't tell me, they didn't like this one either.

Tacoma: It's not that they hated it (Donnie turns away, looking crushed. Get used to that look from now on, kids) I think they're more confused. Why are we mocking a movie we're claiming to be making better?

Donnie: (trying to be hopeful) Heh, come on, who's saying that?

Tacoma: Everyone! (Donnie's about to cry) We've created some of the most hated videos online since that viral trailer of Christmas Story 2. (Donnie slams the table and stands in anger) Okay, maybe not that bad- (Donnie delicately sits back down) but I think we should start being honest about ourselves, we have a serious image problem.

Donnie: You're right, you're right, you're right, the writing's on the wall, I admit, I'm guilt- I've got it. But that is why I think our salvation lies in Tampa.

Rebecca: What's there?

Donnie: A convention!

Tacoma: A convention? Why?

Donnie: Because once a year geeks like to get together without showering-

Tacoma: Why are we going?

Donnie: (all grins) To promote ourselves! And to remake Lost In Translation.

Tacoma: So let me get this straight, you're going to remake a movie set in Tokyo at an anime convention? Alright, that's pretty brilliant, but we're still not going!

Donnie: But how are we gonna get our name out there?

Tacoma: Donnie... how do I put this? We're the laughing stock of the internet. The fact that people don't even know who we are is probably the only thing we've got going for ourselves right now.

Donnie: Things will change!

Rebecca: ...I'm not so sure about that...

Donnie: What are you two trying to tell me?

Tacoma: Donnie, I...

Rebecca: Donnie! We, um...

Carl: Ugh, Mein Gott In Himmel they're saying you suck!

Tacoma: You could have been more diplomatic about it!

Quinn: Okay. You blow.

Donnie: So that's it then? All of this has been a giant waste of time?

Rebecca: (motherly) I wouldn't say that... (another hopeful look from Donnie) It's great padding for my resume?

(wrong move, as a pouty Donnie storms out of the office)

Tacoma: Donnie! Donnie, c'mon, maybe we can start over.

Donnie: Why? It's perfect the way it is. Y'know, ever since I was a kid, I've always dreamed of making movies better.

Tacoma: And you're destroying them! We're not making them fun, you're making fun of them, you're killing the very things you love.

Donnie: Yeah well, maybe they had it coming.

Tacoma: They? Who are you talking about?

Donnie: You're the investigative journalist, you figure it out.

Rebecca: That's not fair, you know he's not very good at that. Why else would he be here?

Donnie: Well, if you excuse me, Carl and I have a conventure to get to.

Carl: Ugh, I don't remember agreeing to that.

Donnie: There'll be beer and hot women dressed in sailor uniforms.

Carl: Lead the way, mein director.

(cut to the convention, we look around for a minute until Donnie gets to his room, then the camera focuses on his ass while he's face-down on the bed, thanks Rob!)

Carl: (after appreciating the view) So are we going to film this movie or what?

Donnie: What's the point? You heard Rebecca and Tacoma, nobody's gonna like it anyway.

Carl: When has that ever stopped you?

Donnie: I dunno, maybe we should just enjoy the con.

Carl: We can do that. I was promised beer and frauleins.

Donnie: There are many frauleins, I don't think they have much beer, but I'm sure we can get it in somehow. You still have your flask?

Carl: Ja.

Donnie: Get a drink for two.

Carl: Nein.

Donnie: Well, we'll work on that.

(with energy restored by possible sex, he leaps off the bed and wanders around the con)

Carl: (at all the cosplayers) Dear God, look at all the freaks.

Donnie: (on a Mickey Mouse wrapped in plastic) That just looks sad to me.

Donnie: (waving a teddy bear in Carl's face) Carl, I know you would love this, right?

Carl: Get that out of my face.

Donnie: I think it wants a hug, Carl! I think it wants a- (gets punched, sways, blinks) You don't play right.

Donnie: (at a pocky selling booth) Uh, excuse me, but what is pocky?

Selling man: It's a biscuit stick with chocolate coating.

Donnie: So basically a breadstick dipped in chocolate.

Selling man: Basically.

Donnie: Okay. It sounds like a dessert from Honey Boo Boo. "To make your poop rocky, do it with pocky".

Donnie: (trying to hit on a girl cosplayer, he's not as good as when he's with boys) So is that from a Christmas anime or?

Girl: It's from Panama 3.

Donnie: Oh hey, you're giving me your card already, nice! (realizes) Oh. It's for another con. (she leaves) If you wanna give me your number that'd be cool... too. (another guest snorts at him, and we cut to him alone and depressed)

Donnie: I think I'm miserable.

(cut to Tacoma's home)

Tacoma: Investigative VLog report. Donnie's become really weird, even for Donnie. My attempts to unlock a little bit about his past have hit a roadblock. Donnie DuPre does not exist. No birth certificate, no records. Yeah. (before he can freak out too much, his phone rings) Hello?

SWAG Leader: Mr Narrows?

Tacoma: Yeeeah?

SWAG Leader: Do you like remaking movies?

Tacoma: Well there's some debate about that actually.

SWAG Leader: Are you at home?

Tacoma: Yeaaah...

SWAG Leader: And Miss Stoné, where's she?

Tacoma: Actually it's Stone, the accent is silent, and she's at our location.

SWAG Leader: That's all I needed to know. (hangs up)

Tacoma: Wait, hey, who are you? (realizes) Rebecca.

Rebecca's answering machine: Hello, this is Rebecca Stone, that's Stone, not Stoné, the accent is silent, leave your message.

(cut back to con bar, where Donnie has his head on the desk, enter Uncle Yo)

Yo: Hi, excuse me, um, you guys still serving food? Can I get an appetizer?

Bartender: Sure, what would you like?

Yo: Um, can I get a menu?

Donnie: (slightly drunk) To make your poop rocky, do it with pocky.

Yo: (beat, to the bartender) Do you have Guinness on tap? I'll take one.

Donnie: (already fully flirting) So you part of this whole con thing too?

Yo: Could ask you the same question, you're the one going around with pocky.

Donnie: It's my latest discovery, surprisingly addictive.

Yo: I think it's more that it gives your hands something to always do. Keeps you busy, y'know? Always chewing at it a little bit at a time?

Donnie: Cos Lord knows I never keep busy.

(short totally improvised false-starting pointless-to-recap bit)

Yo: I was just gonna say, you say you're always trying to be busy, this is a con, you don't dress like someone who usually comes to these shows?

Donnie: I don't normally, I was actually coming here to shoot a remake of Lost In Translation.

Yo: What happened with that?

Donnie: You're looking at the problem.

Yo: You couldn't get the staff together? Couldn't get...?

Donnie: In a sense. (changes the subject) What's your name?

Yo: You can call me Uncle Yo.

Donnie: Donnie DuPre.

Yo: Good to meet you, DuPre.

Donnie: Uh, so what do you do in these things?

Yo: Um, I accidentally created a niche for myself. I'm a geek-specific stand-up comedian. Like, if I were at a comic convention, I would talk about Batman. And if I were at an anime convention like this one, I'd talk about ...Batman.

Donnie: Okay, so, you understand a lot of this stuff, you understand a lot of the culture and everything?

Yo: I do a lot of shows like this, yeah.

Donnie: What are half these people dressed up as?

Yo: Alright, you got Deadpool from Marvel Comics, again not Japanese anime, but you get it on the internet and the internet is a giant hodgepodge for everything you'd ever wanna do.

Donnie: I'm curious about dragonballs. How does one acquire dragonballs?

Yo: Dragonball Z.

Donnie: But are they still attached to the dragon?

Yo: No! They're not attached to the dragon, uh, wow.

Donnie: So dragon testicles give you magic powers?

Yo: Well they never say out loud that they're testicles, but the fans love to embrace it.

(now the hitting on starts)

Yo: You ever heard of slash fics?

Donnie: Kind of. Is that where they put two people that shouldn't belong together together?

Yo: Mmm-hmm. Scully x Mulder...

Donnie: You wanna know a sad fantasy of mine? I've always dreamed that one day, somebody would do a slashfic of me.

Uncle Yo: With who?

Donnie: Not you. (getting excited) You reach this height of popularity and suddenly people are doing slash fic of you, I mean yeah I think it's weird I don't know if I'd even read it but it'd be flattering to know it's out there is there any slash fic of you?

(after Yo descends into giggling, we cut to Tacoma walking alone in the dark, there's a car driving behind him)

Tacoma: Alright, investigative vlog. I'm heading over to our location, got a really weird phone call, I'm worried about Rebecca. Uh, she's alone and I don't know what's going on- (notices the car), um, things have been really weird lately, Donnie's gone wherever he's at, Rebecca, she's alone and- what the hell (turns back to the car again) What the hell is this, one of those Boogos from Super Mario Brothers? (he runs while the car speeds up, but he falls, two men in white masks pick him up and he screams)

(cut back to the bromance, they're even closer now)

Yo: So you're Mr Movie Buff, if you're gonna make Lost In Translation, were you acting, were you directing, were you looking for actors?

Donnie: I usually act in them, along with my writer and also my actress, who are, you know, really good talents too, I don't know if I tell them that enough, but they're pretty good.

Yo: Does it run in the family?

Donnie: (with deep affection) My mother was an actress.

Yo: So that's a yes.

Donnie: That's a yes.

Yo: Do you talk to her much? Was she happy that you followed in her footsteps? Was she film or was she stage?

Donnie: (in that "I've said too much now I'll obviously change the subject" way of his we're so used to by now) You know I never offered you a pocky actually. Did you want one of these? This will make your poop especially rocky.

Yo: Okay, you got the almond one.

Donnie: Yes.

Yo: Have you ever heard of the coconut milk pocky?

Donnie: There's coconut milk pocky?

Yo: Tastes just like coconut cream.

Donnie: Okay, uh, I'm gonna plan an escape now, from this bar, so we can make our way to the dealer's room, to get some of that coconut milk pocky cos that sounds unbelievable. Are you in or out?

Yo: I actually got a better idea, let me introduce you to somebody.

Donnie: Really? Cool! You know somebody?

(the two talk happily as we go back to Rebecca reading a tabloid)

Rebecca: So Kirstie Alley ate Honey Boo Boo. How tragic. (muffled gunshot) Y'hear that, Quinn?

Quinn: Maybe.

(as she goes to check it out, Donnie strides down in the hall in a Donkey Kong t-shirt, he knocks on Yo's door)

Yo: Hey! (notices Donnie's shirt) Oh, you really are going through some mid-midlife crisis aren't you?

Donnie: Really? I was afraid of that.

Yo: You all set to see what con-life is about?

Donnie: Lead the way.

(a happier version of Donnie's early wandering around)

Donnie: Is that Gumby?

Yo: Yep. Yep, it's Gumby.

Donnie: Is Gumby technically an anime?

Yo: Heh no, Gumby's very strictly American.

Yo: Steampunk is mixing yesterday's Victorian with today's future, so you get a lot of monacles, a lot of browns-

Donnie: (coming across a fem!Critic cosplayer) Now who's this one dressed up as? I don't recognize it.

Other girl: I think it's meant to be a homeless person.

Donnie: A homeless person? Okay.

Yo: I was gonna say Light from Death Note.

Yo: A gentleman over in Japan created Astro-Boy, one of the first anime, and he loved the big eyes because they look so innocent, they look so expressive-

Donnie: (holding a complicated-looking dragon knife) I wouldn't even know how to begin using this, would you, Carl?

Carl: (with regret) Ja. (Donnie looks upset)

Donnie: Is it called Sailor Moon because they're constantly mooning us with the skirts?

Yo: No, it's, she's a reincarnation of a moon princess, all of her friends are sort of powered by planets.

Donnie: Sounds tripe.

Yo: Well you could say the same thing about Power Rangers.

Donnie: And you'll be right.

(a good time montage, with Donnie and Yo delightedly singing Pokemon with a crowd, meanwhile Donnie fearfully hugs a woman, is better hugging a guy, watches Deadpool, tries on hats and has to put down a toy gun. You are now dead from warm fuzzies.)

(but not for long, as Donnie suddenly remembers he's married and calls his wife)

Donnie: Hey honey, it's Donnie.

Wife: (hi Mara!) ...Donnie? Why are you calling?

Donnie: Y'know, just wanted to check up and stuff... see how things are going without me there.

Wife: ...they're fine. As usual.

Donnie: Hey, um, have you ever thought about watching anime?

Wife: You mean like Pokemon?

Donnie: No! No, like, I mean, yeah that is anime, but good anime. You know, I didn't think it existed, but there's some real good ones out there. They're actually- some are kinda smart.

Wife: Liiike... what?

Donnie: Well, okay! There's this one called, um, uh, Princess Monahican I think and it's pretty much about this wolf-girl who's fighting these humans from taking over the rainforest.

Wife: That sounds like Captain Planet.

Donnie: Yeah! I'm just realizing it as I'm saying it but you know what, it's actually done more subtle-er, it actually has a real subtle message.

Wife: Which is...?

Donnie: ...which is save the rainforest.

Wife: “Save the rainforest”.

Donnie: Yeah, okay okay, I know it doesn't sound very subtle but it's more subtle-er. I don't know, it's just, it's, something about being down here y'know, it just makes me think, like, I don't know, we should try different stuff, we should try seeing different things, like even stuff we think might be stupid.

Wife: Well, that's fine, maybe we can do that when I'm in town next.

Donnie: Okay. Well then I will just talk to you later then.

Wife: Oh-kay!

Donnie: Alright. Bye. Love y- (she hungs up)

Donnie: (sad and sarcastic) Yeah, that was smart.

(cut back to Rebecca)

Rebecca: Y'hear that, Quinn?

(she looks out the window and a bloody looking Tacoma slams up against it, making her scream. end part one)

(we start part two with Rebecca/Tacoma)

Rebecca: (nearly crying) Oh my God, Tacoma! I think he's been shot! Oh look at all the blood, it's all sticky and gooey.

Quinn: Wait a minute. (he scoops "blood" off Tacoma's arm and tastes it)

Rebecca: Is that an Irish tradition?

Quinn: Try it, it's sweet!

Rebecca: (has a taste) That's delicious! You are one tasty black man!

Quinn: Even better with syrup.

Rebecca: He smells like pancakes.

Quinn: Swedish pancakes, to be exact.

Tacoma: They pelted me with it, said it was a warning.

Rebecca: SWAG.

Quinn: Those swede-film-making bastards.

Rebecca: What are we gonna do?

Quinn: I'll cook us up some Irish bacon. Least we could do is make him part of a complete breakfast.

(cut to Donnie and Yo in bed and trying drinks)

Donnie: Alright, so I don't know what this one is, it doesn't have a label so it could- I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. (people screaming outside, he toasts them) Well, clearly, they don't know the fun we're having here.

Yo: (laughing) No, uh, I've never taken the fun to that level, I've never done screaming out in the hallway, I got that out out of my system in college.

Donnie: By the way, the, uh, no label whether it's good or bad? It's bad.

Yo: You have fun with that tomorrow, sir.

Donnie: It kinda tastes like jellybean vaginas.

Yo: To jellybean vaginas.

Yo: There are some people who study and micro-manage games of Pokemon when they're running around randomly, they take all the fun out of it when they just make it too complicated.

Donnie: Pokemon's a game?

Carl: My God, you two are dorks.

Donnie: Shut up, this is cool stuff right here.

Yo: I'm having a good time.

Donnie: I'm having a great time learning about stuff that I will never look up later.

Yo: (gross-burps) That's a great thing you want to bring up to your dentist isn't it? Grrurp.

Donnie: Is that your Tim Allen impression?

Yo: That was a terrible Tim Allen impression yeah. (a bit later) It is word of mouth, it is community, it is meeting someone else and then sharing-

Donnie: (laughing nervously) Could you send that word of mouth my way by any chance, that'd be great. I could get more people looking at Demo Reel.

Yo: If you make them laugh afterward, they come back to you, all the time.

Donnie: (getting sad again) I think they laugh but not for the right reasons. I don't know, it's like I try to point out some of the flaws that these movies have, you know? Th-th-that's- see to me, that's showing sort of like how we're above them and how like we can do it better, because we're seeing the problems, acknowledging it - (giant burp) - and that's what makes it so great. (seeing Yo laugh) Don't let the burp get in the way of my excellent thought there, I think it's a very good thought.

Yo: It was a good thought, but you've been bashing almost everything, which is fine, a lot of people do that, I do that non-stop, but also stuff that I like. What do you come back to that you enjoy at least, is this enjoyment or are you just Sisyphus walking the rock up the hill, again and again.

Donnie: You ever see a movie called, um, Blue Patches?

Yo: (kindly) I've never heard of Blue Patches.

Donnie: A lot of people haven't. It's my favorite movie.

Yo: If you were going to pitch it to me as someone who cared about it, how can I care about it?

Donnie: (in the most my-puppy-got-run over tone) The, um, the acting's really good. There's just something about the way that they do it is just, um (painful silence) you just see something and say that's perfect, and you can't explain why, it just is. Y'know if you wanna learn more about it, just check it out, I'm sure you can find it.

Yo: Donnie...

Donnie: There's nothing I can say about it that it doesn't say for itself. Now let's just leave it at that.

Yo: (grabbing a bottle of wine) I'm gonna have some more of this, I liked this.

Donnie: Are you sure that is wise?

Yo: No, but I'm gonna do it anyway, I can handle it, I'm fine.

Donnie: Doesn't sound like a good idea to me, telling you right now.

Yo: I'm fine, Mr Hollywood. It's light, you can see through it.

Donnie: I really don't think you should have anymore of that.

Yo: I'm fine, sir, what's the worst that can happen.

(cut to him kneeling in front of a toilet)

Yo: Oh my God, oh my God.

Donnie: That was beautiful.

(cut to Quinn/Tacoma/Rebecca finishing breakfast)

Quinn: Ah, delicious. So did you get a good look at 'em?

Tacoma: They wore masks.

Rebecca: What were you doing out there?

Tacoma: I thought they were after you! (she's touched) Did you notice anything weird today?

Rebecca: Well...

(she takes him to the computer and we see "recorded earlier" footage where her phone rings)

SWAG minion: Go to the window.

Rebecca: Kay!

(she goes and is only a little shocked by the man in the Scream mask at the window)

SWAG minion: Do you like remaking movies?

Rebecca: Yeah!

SWAG minion: Well, not for long, ooh is that your spine starting to shiver?

Rebecca: (deadpan) Is that your car being towed?

SWAG minion: (looks) Shit! Just a second. (runs off) Yo! Hey! I’ve got a handicap sticker!

Tacoma: And you didn't think that was weird?

Rebecca: I thought he was trick-or-treating.

Tacoma: In December?!

Rebecca: Maybe he was from a different time zone, I don't know, he never came back.

Tacoma: That's probably because he was too busy turning me into Denny's Grand Slam.

Rebecca: Hey, at least you got served.

Tacoma: I don't get it, why now?

Quinn: Don't you see? Donnie's gone, you were out, they're trying to separate us.

(cut back to con)

Yo: (very hangover) Hey, Donnie. How come you want to make movies if all you do is criticize them?

Donnie: [also hungover but not quite as bad] Well, in my opinion, Hollywood's got it coming.

Yo: So, this is an independent filmmakers crusade against Hollywood? Have you ever tried going out there?

Donnie: I don't need to. I know there's bad stuff out there.

Yo: What, like an ex?

Donnie: Just bad stuff. Everything I've heard about Hollywood has never been good. You know, they make these movies, they're supposed to make you feel really good, and make you escape the pains of your real life, but when you go to Hollywood, (laugh that sounds like a sob) the pain is there. It's always there and Hollywood never lets you forget that.

Yo: Have you even been to Hollywood? Like, lived in California?

Donnie: I don't need to live in California, I've heard enough about it, you know?

Yo: You've heard? What, A & E, murder mysteries, what, your mother told you to stay away from Hollywood? (silence, Donnie looks broken) Was that it? You never said, was she stage or screen? Like, what would I know her from?

Donnie: ...I think I'm gonna be sick.

Yo: (laughing) You've had six of those.

(in the bathroom, Donnie washes his faces and stares sadly in the mirror, he tries to go to sleep but can't, and as he does something assumedly awful to Yo with a pillow, the scene changes to Quinn smashing down a bottle)

Quinn: We’ll do this the Irish way!

Tacoma: Oh, firearms and alcohol; there’s a safe combination.

Quinn: Would you rather be sober when the IKEA bunch comes and makes a Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruity breakfast platter out o’ your ass? Me? I’m going to be ready for them.

Rebecca: Don’t worry Tacoma; I’m a security guard, and Quinn’s military background is-

Quinn: Unf*ckin’ defeated.

Rebecca: What could go wrong?

Tacoma: I guess you're right. (takes a swig) Hey, this stuff is pretty good.

Quinn: Made a great after-school snack.

(muffled gunshot)

Rebecca: Did you guys hear that?

(without waiting for a response, she yanks Quinn's gun out of his hand and leaves)

Quinn: Rebecca?

(she screams and he/Tacoma give chase, cut back to the con and Donnie trying to open his locked door)

Donnie: Carl?! What the hell’s going on in there?

Carl: What you might call... shore-leave. (Multiple women giggle off-screen throughout)

Donnie: Are those... two slave Leias and a sexy Pikachu?

Carl: Yeah.

Donnie: How the hell did you get them?

Carl: Listen to me, Herr Director; grow an accent.

Donnie: Well, can I come in?

Carl: Nein. (shuts the door) So, who wants to see my Pokeballs?

(at the bar, Donnie's drinking, enter Egoraptor)

Ego: Shirley Temple.

(pause as something in Donnie's head seems to click)

Donnie: You part of this whole con thing too?

Ego: Yeah I'm Egoraptor.

Donnie: Donnie DuPre.

Ego: Nice to meet you.

(immediate cut to Donnie sprawled on his bed, drinks in his hand and legs wide, he realizes Ego, not Yo, is in the other hand, and lets his head fall back on the pillow with a this-has-happened-before groan. a knock at the door and he goes to answer)

Yo: Donnie, hey! You all set to hang out today?

Donnie: Um, not exactly.

(Ego comes into frame and obliviously slings an arm around Donnie)

Ego: (while Donnie looks guilty and Yo looks pissed) This guy! We talked about anime, Poke- what was it, Pokemon? Dude... oh my God, dude...

Yo: Looks like you guys had a lot of fun drinking last night.

Ego: I don't drink.

(cut to Maid Cafe for an awkward mini-therapy session)

Cosplaying girl 1: Are you having a good time at the convention?

Donnie: (to Yo) I'm really confused, how does this work? Do we talk to them or...

Yo: They're in costume, they're in-character, they're from Utena, we engage and we talk to them. If you want, someone will come by with a diet coke or something sugary on a plate, and then we leave disappointed.

Donnie: Are they maids because I thought this was a maid cafe?

Yo: They don't have to be maids, they're in costume.

Male server: Is there anything we can interest you in?

Donnie: What do they serve at maid cafes?

Yo: They have anything on tap.

Donnie: Who do I tell the order to?

Male server: Me.

Donnie: Okay.

Yo: He counts as the maid because he's standing.

Donnie: So he's a maid?

Yo: Sure.

Donnie: So what do we talk about?

Yo: You can talk about new friends that you've made this weekend, I mean you can talk about how much of a great metal gear awesome time you had last night with your new tall best friend, sir I don't even drink, I'm just naturally five years old.

Donnie: Wasn't there anyone else there to shower you with Pokemon-related in-jokes?

Yo: The tournament ended at seven.

(awkward silence)

Donnie: (to cosplay girl) Well I watch Speed Racer.

(cut to a more depressing version of the Pokemon singing, with Ego enthused about everything and Donnie like he wants to hide in the corner)

Donnie: I'm going to my room.

(fade to later)

Yo: So what do you think? Worst meal ever?

Donnie: I'll say. What kind of maid cafe actually has men?

Yo: You all set to go, you got your ticket?

Donnie: Yeah, yeah, I leave today actually. Back to Chicago.

Yo: Yeah, Windy City. Have fun, man, have a safe flight, it was, uh, (they shake hands) I had a good time.

Donnie: Yeah, it was definitely an experience to say the least.

Yo: Good luck with it, man, good luck with the projects and everything else you've got going.

Donnie: Yeah, you too, man.

Yo: (leaves) To Hollywood.

(Donnie watches him go and looks lost, but notices him again by the fountain, he rushes over and pulls him in a desperate hug)

Donnie: (whispering) In the end of Pulp Fiction, the item in the suitcase is really a golden engine that can run on water, and in Inception, where you don't know if everything was actually a dream or not, it actually was a dream. In fact all of it was just an hallucinogenic fantasy brought on by Jack before he died in Titanic, and at the end of 2001 A Space Odyssey he pretty much becomes the next evolution of mankind, except he sees the earth as one giant teat to suck on, and that's really going to suck for us, no pun intended, and in Lost In Translation, when Bill Murray is whispering to Scarlett Johannson, he's really just telling her where to find a good sushi place. There, that's four open endings you don't have to worry about anymore.

(they break apart and Yo is stunned but delighted)

Yo: I'm in Chicago next April.

Donnie: Look me up, man.

Yo: I will. Have a great flight.

(pretty music plays while Donnie smiles as if a whole weight has been lifted, and goes back home)

(but cut to the actual airport, and it's Carl-cam, not Donnie)

Carl: (the relaxing music grinds to a halt) Where the hell did Donnie go?

(he's just getting into a darkened car, the camera's just on his face, but there are obviously quite a few people in there with him)

Donnie: (at some point in this, he's just talking to prolong the inevitable) Ah boy, that was a trip, that was definitely a trip. It's one of those trips where you have some bad stuff happen, but you feel a little wiser, y'know, you feel a little wiser. So whose idea was it to actually send a car to pick me up, that was real nice holding the sign up and everything but, uh, who came up with that? Was it Rebecca or Tacoma or, uh, was that their idea too, the gun in my face, and uh... (gun-cock) Hi!


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