Los Porno Sin Son

Los Porno Sin Son
Release Date	September 26, 2012
Running Time	11:40
Previous Review	The Cinema Snob Movie DVD Promo
Next Review	The Cinema Snob Movie Out on DVD!
Tagline	Hot and sexy Simpsons porno action from Argentina! And don't forget that this Thursday, Septemper 27th, is THE CINEMA SNOB MOVIE day! Upon release, you can order your very own copy at Walkaway Entertainment. The DVD is region free, and has international shipping.
Link	http://www.thecinemasnob.com/the-cinema-snob/los-porno-sin-son

The following transcript is NSFW due to descriptions of explicit sexual content.

OPENING SEQUENCE (With a cover of "Believe It or Not" by "youtube.com/stun1235" being played)

The Cinema Snob: You know what I just realized? I haven't given you guys nightmares in a while.

Clip from Gross Out, in which a character craps into a bucket

Snob: Okay, okay, I certainly grossed enough of you out, but did that really give you nightmares? Did that really damage your childhood in any way?

Film footage

Snob (VO): Well, if not, then sit your yellow ass down, because your youth is about to take a bad makeup job ramming up the ass (Cut to the opening titles) with Los Porno Sin Son.

Snob: An adult film from Argentina that is very much like the show, in that the first half is timeless and the second half is forgettable. But it's still better than the Argentina Family Guy spoof.

Snob (VO): Don't fret, guys; when you can't afford an animated opening, filming the computer at your local community college works just as well. It's nice to know that when Victor Maitland was shot several times by Axel Foley, he managed to survive, and go on to direct shitty pornos, (Clip of...) including Los Tortugas Pinjas!

Turtles: KONCHADUNGA!

Snob: Where all the pizzas smell like anchovies!

Back to the film

Snob (VO): Wait, The Initiation of Bart? Please tell me it's to the Stonecutters! (Cut to the cast listing) Oh, this porno's gonna suck. (An orange highlight appears over Tony Landers' name) It's got stupid Landers in it! (Cut to "Guion cinematografico ROBERTO LOBO - V. MAITLAND") But thank God, (Another highlight appears over "LOBO") they finally brought back Sheriff Lobo!

Snob: Well... (Rubs his hands together) Ready to see it?

Cut to the porno version of Bart (Landers), on the couch and with his skateboard in his lap

Snob: (Chuckles) He looks mighty comfortable sitting there in your dreams!

Snob (VO): So this is supposed to be Bart? This isn't Bart, this is that gang from The Warriors that was even less popular than the Orphans! (Cut to the porno Lisa [Susy Cristal], with a green dress) Eugh! What the hell is the Statue of Liberty doing here? Ohhh, okay, it's Lisa. See? She's playing a saxomaphone that's two dildos strapped together!

Snob: Ha-ha-ha-ha, SHE'S EIGHT!

And now we see the porno Homer (Frank Lorenzo)

Snob (VO): Ohhhh, the fuck, JESUS! Okay, now I know what a yellow version of (Still shot from Brad Jones' Cheap) these masks would look like! (Back to Homer) Forget the face, since when does Homer buy preppy button-ups from Wal-Mart? (On-screen, we see a banner reading "Via anal 13 Muy Bueno") Say, I recognize two of these words. My lucky number is 13, and someone's getting it up the ass! What a day! (Another on-screen title: "FIDEO MACHO") Mmmmmm, deluxe machos bel grande, ahhhhh. (Homer and Bart sit next to each other) Most of this is just Bart and Homer watching television, and... swapping penis sizes?!

Bart: (Subtitles: Uh, Dad, what is the point of this small penis story?)

Homer: (Subtitles: I like stories.)

Then we cut to Fideo Macho, hosted by Vergolini (Andy Platt)

Snob (VO): That supposed to be Kent Brockman on the TV? Even a Menudo cover band would tell this guy to tone it down! (Another title card reading...) "ORTO PLAN?" isn't that the guy who drives the school bus? (Back on the couch, Bart tries getting off) I personally don't see anything wrong with dad and son here (Back at Fideo Macho, censored nudity is around Vergolini) watching porno together.

Bart wags his tongue at the screen

Snob: No, no, it's okay. I'm sure he's just envisioning drinking a Slurpee made entirely of syrup.

Homer: (Subtitles: Aw, Night Boat! The crime solving orgy boat!)

The porno Marge (Chris Noel) comes in

Snob (VO): Whoaaaaah, uhhhh, Marge? Why does she have a caterpillar's ass on her head? If I hit that with a bat, are a bunch of bees gonna fly out? (Lisa is now on the phone) Unfortunately, half of the budget was spent from Lisa calling that damn Corey hotline! That fucking Nerf hair. On tonight's episode, the role of Lisa Simpson will be played by a dandelion!

Homer and Bart laugh

Snob: Hear that, kids? That's what being killed in your sleep sounds like!

Back on Fideo Macho

Snob (VO): You know, it really is the suit that makes the Bumblebee Man funny. Without it, he's kinda lame! (A close-up of Homer) And get another look here at Homer's face. He looks like if the Cheerios bee gave the Cookie Crook a rimjob. Marge leaves the boys with their porn; that way, she can go off and protest Itchy & Scratchy. (Cut to a woman's O-face) Most of the time here, it just shows...other porn because I assume they're having some trouble finding (Back to Homer and Bart) actresses who will sleep with THIS! (Back to Vergolini) Little do you know, this was actually Mike O'Malley's audition tape for Get the Picture. (A blow-up doll is shown) Well, when low on actresses, you know the blow-up doll will always say "yes!" (A censored shot of her butt) Or you should go ask her first before you go ahead and stick it back there! (Cut to her face) She doesn't really look all that comfortable with this.

Bart is now on the couch alone, with his pants down and his private parts blurred out

Snob: (Annoyed) Ugh. Will someone give Bart a vagina so he can shut up?! This is even weirder than seeing Bart shill for Scientology!

A drawing of real Bart laughing on the phone

Nancy Cartwright (VO): Hey, what's happenin', man? This is Bart Simpson! (Laughs) Just kidding; don't hang up, this is Nancy Cartwright! And this is a very special phone call to you. I'm now auditing our new OT7.

Back to the film

Snob (VO): Come on, where's your fatherly advice here, Homer?

Homer: (Subtitles: Being a horndog is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the horndogs.)

Homer is now on a Bart Simpson-branded phone

Snob (VO): When that doesn't work, though, just hire an escort! (Homer brings in Carolina [Samantha Ray]) Also, I'm not kidding. Homer orders a call girl for him and his son to share!

Snob: That is not in Bill Cosby's book on fatherhood.

Snob (VO): And why are only their heads yellow? I think they may be really sick, possibly from eating a sandwich found behind the radiator! (A censored shot of Homer's penis) Ohhhh, Homer! That's a sad penis!

Snob: Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, your tiny penis.

Homer licks Carolina's face

Snob (VO): I think I'm gonna have to wash away this image with a couple of Flaming Moes!

They continue French kissing

Snob: Snob no fucking beer well without.

Now Bart is getting in on the action

Snob (VO): Son, a woman is like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds, makes ice. (Close-up of Carolina) And once I get a half-hour into this, (Cut to Bart) I'm really starting to recognize the music they're playing.

We cut back to the Snob on his chair, listening in on audio of the sex scene with a familiar tune in the background

Snob: Just singin' in the rain... oh, goddamnit! Good one, movie! You just darkened this song more than a rape scene!

Cut to Carolina's face

Snob (VO): Also, nice eyebrows. Guess this is what the unibrow baby's mom looks like. (Bart now goes in on Carolina, while Homer just sits on the couch, and they're both greener now) Awww, all vagina and no asshole make Homer something something. (Back to Vergolini) At least he doesn't seem as annoying as this guy!

He mouths off while stuff is thrown at him

Snob: They're not cheering you on, asshole! They're throwing shit at you because you are ruining The Simpsons for them!

Bart now rides Carolina, whilst Homer continues to just sit there

Snob (VO): Ah, the sign of great sex! When a rerun of Chico and the Man is more important to them. (Cut to...) Yes, yes, Marge and Lisa infiltrate the TV studio, but again, I'm more interested in the soundtrack!

As Marge berates Vergolini, the Doors' "People Are Strange" faintly plays in the background

Snob: (Perplexed) ..."People Are Strange?!" Well, this movie is more historically accurate than the movie, The Doors, I guess!

Homer: (Subtitles: Anuses. Is there anything they can't do?)

Snob: With these fake subtitles I've added, all I gotta do is just wait for a scene where Bart is talking on the phone!

And sure enough...

Snob (VO): Ahhhh, perfect!

Bart: (Subtitles: Hello, I'm looking for someone with the last name Hunt. First name Mike.)

Cut to a visibly excited Carolina

Snob (VO): They continue fucking some more, and I certainly expected a lot out of this movie, but (Vergolini is thrown onto a bed) a funky soundtrack? (The soundtrack plays on while Marge and Lisa try to get Vergolini laid)

Snob: (Starts dancing) Heh-heh-heh, yeah. Disco Snob likes disco music.

Snob (VO): Aw, come on, Homer! Not even disco can cheer you up?

Homer: (Subtitles: Videotapes. And here I am using my own penis like a sucker. I'm a Spaulding Gray in a Buck Adams world.)

Vergolini is being undressed

Snob (VO): Good lord, it looks like this guy is getting fucked by a rattlesnake and the sun from the Raisin Bran box!

Snob: Not much of a disco man? Well, don't worry, they have a rock soundtrack too!

As Marge and Vergolini bang, Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" plays

Snob: I imagine they're gonna utilize this soundtrack later when Bart and Milhouse go see Spinal Tap together. (Reaches into his jacket and pulls out a can of...) BILLY BEER! (He starts drinking it)

Cut to a still frame

Snob (VO): What? Bullshit! I can see Lisa's real hair! (The sex resumes) Give Marge five minutes and a butterfly is gonna hatch from that thing! (Homer is now on the phone again) You know, someone really needs to get fired over this movie, (Cut to Homer's boss, definitely not Mr. Burns) and it might as well be old Gill here. Either that, or this is Matt Groening's lawyer sending a (Back to Homer) cease and desist notice immediately! (Back to the sex) Remember, kids, when you participate in a porno film, it's not about who finishes first, it's how drunk you get. (Cut to Lisa on a chair) Oh, is, uh, is Lisa here getting off watching someone fuck her mother?

Snob: Oh, well, makes sense! Heh, 'CAUSE IT'S FUCKED UP!

Another porno interlude

Snob (VO): Almost as fucked-up as watching Crazy Fat Comic Book Guy here get it on.

Snob: The sex is worth more to him because the penis is still wrapped in plastic.

A woman gets into a chair and starts masturbating, then gets up

Snob (VO): This is where the movie goes all Nightdreams on me and I kinda like this part!

She is instead masturbating on a bed, while a light flashes outside and classical music plays, then it cuts to Lisa doing the same, and the Snob again listens on

Snob: My kind of music. And I'd say she's got the rhythm down nicely.

Homer, Bart, and Carolina wake up

Snob (VO): Oh good, the movie is in their nightmares too! Serves them right! So why not sign out with a...Tom Petty song?!

As we zoom out from the trio, "Learning to Fly" plays

Snob: Sure, why not. Good thing Tom Petty gave them the rights after Johnny Mandel turned them down! But I think "Suicide is Painless" would've worked really good here!

Marge: (Subtitles: Our differences are only skin deep. But our sames go down on the bone.)

The family is on the couch

Snob (VO): Out of curiosity, is anyone watching Maggie during all of this? (Back to another installment of Fideo Macho) Why do I get the feeling she died hours ago? (Back to the Simpsons) The family that fucks together, stays together! But boy, do they sure look awkward afterwards! It's okay, looks like you all just pulled a Homer of your own.

It freeze-frames on a still of Homer and Marge as a rap song plays and the credits begin

Snob: Pffff. Thank God it's over. The soundtrack was really starting to suck.

Snob (VO): Well, Victor Maitland, you tried your best, and you failed miserably! The lesson is, never try. (More film clips are shown) What is it about these porno spoofs that spend, uh, so much on the costumes, and then just resort to showing clips from other porno films? It's like they're worried that no one will get off to watching people painted up like The Simpsons characters fuck! But the (Cover of Simpsons: The XXX Parody) U.S. has proved that that shit ain't true!

Snob: I personally prefer this version of the Simpsons porno, mainly because... well... well, it's foreign, and, it is the original. But don't get me wrong, this movie is so bad that I am most certainly not just saying "Boo-urns!"

Bart: Wow, man!

End of video