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Little Things
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Date Aired
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March 16, 2013
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Running Time
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14:59
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TBA
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Todd plays "Little Things" on his piano
ONE DIRECTION- LITTLE THINGS
A pop song review.
Todd: The time has come.
Video for "Live While You're Young"
Louis: Hey, girl, I'm waitin' on ya
Todd (VO): You can only be a bad pop song reviewer for so long without devoting some real energy to one of the most popular and toxic acts in the music world, so that's what we're gonna do today.
Todd: You see, about nine months ago, it looked like we had another boy-band war brewing, [Image of "Boy Band Showdown" featuring The Wanted and One Direction] this time the result of a new British invasion. But unlike the TRL wars, this one ended pretty quickly with [clips of...JLS not even making it to America, [...and "Glad You Came"] and The Wanted burning out after a single hit, [news footage of One Direction] making the undisputed victors of the battle the worst of the three—five singing, dancing British boys who call themselves One Direction.
One Direction: Let’s go crazy, crazy, crazy 'til we see the sun
Todd (VO): I disliked them instantly. Something about that scrubbed clean, "golly, gosh, gee-whiz" act there just pissed me off. I mean, these guys have no goddamn personality, there all the "cute one." Seriously, [promo pics of...] Harry Styles? Zayn? Those are made-up names.
Todd: Are they really that bad?
Video for "One Thing"
Todd (VO): I mean, they look kinda stupid, with their dumb haircuts and everything, but they're not outwardly ridiculous like [picture of Backstreet Boys] the 90s boy bands. And yeah, they're kind of punchable, but they're not gaping charisma vacuums like [picture of...] Justin Bieber was, probably because they're already past puberty.
Todd: So what's wrong with them? Well, I didn't put it together until they'd been around a while, but eventually I noticed something that I couldn't ignore.
Harry: You keep making me weak
Clips of "Live While You're Young"...
Louis: I'm waiting on ya
Come on and let me sneak you out
..."What Makes You Beautiful"
One Direction: I don't know why you're bein' shy
...and "Kiss You"
Zayn: Oh, I just wanna take you anywhere that you like
We could go out any day, any night
Todd: One Direction are trying to fuck your daughter.
One Direction: I need that one thing
And you've got that one thing
Todd (VO): Yeah, behind their non-threatening boy-man facade, they're basically a bunch of sleazeball pick-up artists. You can't avoid it. That's what every single song of theirs is about. First off, they're always love songs, and they're always addressed to you.
Liam: You
Todd (VO): Never to a she or a her, just you, so that you can more easily fantasize they're singing about...
Todd: ...you personally.
Todd (VO): And they never say anything specific about what they like about you, again so that you can more easily slot yourself in the song. And worst of all, they're devious enough to know how to target their screaming preteen fanbase...
Todd: ...right in the most vulnerable parts of their psyche.
Video for "What Makes You Beautiful"
Harry: You're insecure, don't know what for
Todd (VO): Hey, teenage girl, are you insecure about the way you look?
Todd: Of course you are, you're a girl. You got enough insecurities to fill a house. Well, One Direction home in on that and promise to make it all go away.
One Direction: You don't know you're beautiful
Todd (VO): Don't worry, baby, you're beautiful. And even if you're insecure about your insecurities, One Direction has that covered too.
One Direction: That's what makes you beautiful
Todd (VO): They love that you're insecure, that's why you're so hot. They have it down to an art because it's the only thing they do. Their only reason for existing is to make dumb, innocent teenage girls swoon with their insincere flattery. Even Bieber had more moves than this. And if you're not a shrieking, lovestruck teenager, One Direction couldn't possibly have any use to you.
Todd: Now the song I've picked to talk about today is called [single cover] "Little Things", and...this review is gonna be a first for me. Now usually I've only ever talked about mega-overplayed smash hits on this show.
Video for "Little Things"
Todd (VO): That's not the case for "Little Things", which spent one week at #33 before dropping about fifty slots and getting replaced by a bunch of other One Direction songs, as per the new pop strategy of releasing every song on the album at once.
Todd: But it's still the song I chose to talk about because it is so mindblowingly bad...
Todd (VO): ...that I couldn't just let it pass by. Because while I hate this band, while I genuinely hate them and everything they stand for, you know what's even worse than a One Direction song?
Todd: One Direction singing a "white guy with acoustic guitar" song.
Zayn: Your hand fits in mine
Like it's made just for me
But bear this in mind
It was meant to be
Todd: This is my hell.
Todd (VO): [deep and guttural] Hate. And yes, this is most definitely a "white guy with acoustic guitar" song, maybe the most definitive example that I've ever heard.
Please Finish It