Little Monsters

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December 07, 2010
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Did you ever see the movie Monsters, Inc.?

(Clips from Monsters, Inc. start playing as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Of course you did! Pixar is practically your cinematic guardian now. Anything they say, you have to pay attention to. The idea of monsters popping out of the closet only to find it’s their 9-to-5 job, though, is nothing new. It’s been used in countless cartoons and comic strips in the past. But still, it presented us with a nice, decent movie with a creative plot and characters.

NC: But much like the yin and the yang…

(An image of the yin and yang symbol is shown with the cover for Monsters, Inc. placed on top)

NC (voiceover): …for every good movie that exists, there is always gonna be a bad movie. (The cover for Little Monsters is placed at the bottom of the symbol) THIS movie.

NC: Little fucking Monsters.

(The title screen for Little Monsters is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie as the song "Road to Nowhere" by the Talking Heads plays)

NC (voiceover): When you think about it, this should be great. You got big-name child star Fred Savage, big-name funny man Howie Mandel, and a whole wide world of creative monsters. How could any kid not in their right mind enjoy this?

NC: Well, needless to say, you got to try HARD to fuck up a movie like this. REALLY, REALLY HARD! And by God’s pubic hair, they succeeded! So let’s see why this movie sucks the mighty cock-sicle. This is Little Monsters.

NC (voiceover): So we start off with Fred Savage telling us what a pain it is to move to a new place.

Brian Stevenson (Fred Savage): (narrating) We moved here about a month ago. My parents said it would be better for me and my brother Eric.

NC (voiceover): Needless to say, whenever you hear that opening narration, you always feel The Wonder Years music isn’t far behind.

NC (voiceover): (speaks as Adult Kevin from The Wonder Years as the show’s music starts playing) I was hoping this move would be different, something exciting and new. But I could feel in my heart that a hammy monster played by an obsessive-compulsive actor would not be far away. God help my career.

NC (voiceover): (normal) Savage also has a brother, played by his real-life brother, Ben Savage.

Eric (Ben Savage): (He’s lying in bed at night) Mommy!

Holly (the mother): (comes in to turn on the light and comfort Eric) Honey, are you all right?

NC (voiceover): (speaks as Eric) I dreamt I was in TGIF limbo with the father from The Graduate!

Eric: This is no joke, Dad! There was a real monster!

NC (voiceover): Their dad is played by Daniel Stern, whose glasses are so big, he can probably read the fine print on a maggot’s mortgage loan.

Eric: Can I have the flashlight?

Holly: Sure, honey. (to her husband) Would you get it?

Glen (the father): Holly, I thought we would…I’ll get the, uh… (he gets up to start leaving)

NC (voiceover): What the hell was that about? What, does he keep his porn in his flashlight or something?

(Cut to Glen walking into Eric’s room with the flashlight lit below his face and making growling noises; NC is disturbed by this)

NC: I think this calls for another… (Close-up on his face as he talks in slow motion; “Scary Slow-Mo” appears onscreen below him) SCARY SLOW-MO!

(Cut to the same scene again, only in slow motion and Glen’s growls are sounding deeper)

NC: (speaks like Darth Vader) Luke, I am your throwaway performance.

(We see Glen get involved in a prank involving a half-quart of ice cream getting spilt; he looks at Brian in anger)

NC (voiceover): So they find that all sorts of little pranks have been set up around the house that Savage apparently didn’t plant. Daniel Stern fall for childish traps? (cut to a clip from Home Alone in which Marv falls for the iron-in-the-face prank) Heh! That’s something new!

Brian: Hey, I didn’t do anything!

Glen: You’re dead, mister.

Marv (from Home Alone): I’M GONNA KILL THAT KID!

NC (voiceover): The antics continue as Stern tries to go to work.

(Glen tries backing out of the garage in his car but finds that he’s driven over Brian’s red bicycle)

Brian: My bike! You ran over it!

Glen: (speaks sternly) My car! Whose fault is this, Brian?

Brian: Uh-uh! No way! I parked it right over there! Right there!

Glen: Oh, right, right. So before I got in the car, I went around and put the bike there myself? Forget it, Charlie!

NC (voiceover): You know, I just realize how surreal this is. Both these actors played the exact same character in The Wonder Years. So, basically, it’s Kevin talking to Kevin!

NC (voiceover): (speaks as Adult Kevin from The Wonder Years as the camera focuses on Brian) I knew my dad was mad at me, but he didn’t understand what I was going through—

NC (voiceover): (as Adult Kevin as the camera focuses on Glen) Hey, don’t think you can monologue over me, mister.

NC (voiceover): (as Adult Kevin as the camera is on Brian) Hey, butt out, pal! You have no idea the issues I’m going through!

NC (voiceover): (as Adult Kevin as the camera is on Glen) I AM YOU!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So Savage thinks his brother did it, as he throws his lunch out the window. Unfortunately, it slammed into Generic McBully here, which causes the kids to have a fight at school.

(Brian and Ronnie (aka “Generic McBully”) fight in the hallway as the principal comes out from his office)

NC (voiceover): (as the principal, speaking gruffly) What’s going on here? This is most unorthodox! I’ll show you, tommy waggers! (grumbles for a bit as the principal separates the two kids)

Principal: Break it up! Stevenson! You’re new here, aren’t you?

Brian: Yes, sir.

Principal: Well, I think we better have a little talk in my office! You have rules to learn! (Drags Brian to his office, as Ronnie smirks and leaves freely)

NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the new law of high school. If you’re the new kid, you’re automatically to blame. So he (Brian) befriends a girl in his class, who's named Tomboy Kiersten Bookworm. At least that’s what I’m calling her lazily written character.

Brian: (examines Kiersten’s science experiment) This is cool!

Kiersten: Don’t touch! It’s fragile. It’s a night-blooming cactus. I wanna see if artificial sunlight changes its normal blooming pattern.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, nice read there, girl. You don’t say big words that often, do you? And as usual, Savage sounds NOTHING like a real little kid and more like a miniature version of John Travolta.

Brian: So what’s up, Miss Davoh?

Kiersten: You really wanna know?

Brian: I really wanna know. All right, you know what? Think about it, take your time, you’ll probably change your mind.

Castor Troy (from Face/Off and played by John Travolta): Ooh-wee, you good lookin’!

NC (voiceover): We find out that Ben is still afraid to sleep in his room, so Fred decides to make a bet. If Fred can stay one night in Ben’s room, Ben will pay him some money. But sure enough, he does hear something going bump in the night.

(Brian approaches Eric’s closet as he notices noises and light from a TV going on inside it; a loud noise surprises Brian as he turns around to see a TV remote control spin out from under the bed and fall on the floor, then is magically pulled back in on its own)

NC: Jesus, what the hell could it possibly be? (He turns on a light as we cut to a bedroom with the statue of Pazuzu (from The Exorcist) standing there; he puts his fists against his sides and smiles) Pazuzu!

(Audience laughter is heard, and then applause as the Pazuzu statue smiles and the caption “That’s Pazuzu!” appears below it)

NC (voiceover): Scared out of his wits, Fred spends the night on the couch, but is not ready to give up yet.

Brian: (to Eric and his friend Todd) Double or nothin’!

(A musical montage begins with Brian taking apart his bike and using the parts to build a trap on Eric’s bed; NC sings the following along with the music)

NC (voiceover; singing): An 80’s montage fixes everything, except when you show people eating. (Cut to Brian and his family eating dinner) What the hell? I thought this was an ‘80s montage! All of a sudden, it just kinda stopped. Shouldn’t we be seeing some stuff? Cut against other stuff—(Cut to Brian resuming work on the trap) Oh, wait, here we go! We’re back to the ‘80’s montage! Now the buildup can finally begin! (Cut to Brian asleep in bed) Oh, wait, I guess it’s over now. Boy, that was pretty fucking lame.

NC (voiceover): So this time, Savage sets up a trap to nail the monster, again succumbing to the Boy Genius Syndrome that every kid in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s seemed to have. But when he catches the monster, he (the monster) disappears into clothes as soon as the lights come on.

Glen: What are you doing, Brian? What the hell is going on—Look at this mess! What the hell am I stepping in? (He lifts his bare foot up to brush away the Dorito crumbs) Doritos? Jesus!

NC: (mimics Glen) This is worse than that fucking time I caught you goddamn swearing!

NC (voiceover): So the father, of course, never asks why there’s an adult male’s clothes in his room, but as soon as the lights go off, they get moving again. And thus, we see our monster named Maurice, played by Howie Mandel.

Brian: I’ll scream.

Maurice: Scream? Good idea! You know what? If you scream, your dad’s gonna come in here with a 12-gauge shotgun! (He makes an explosion noise) Blow your head off! Actually…I’ll scream! (He takes a deep breath)

Brian: Shut up! (He punches Maurice in the stomach)

Maurice: Actually, your dad’s gonna come in here and find Dorito puke all over the floor. What’s he gonna say, huh? WOW!

NC (voiceover): Now I know what you’re saying to yourself: Haven’t I seen this character a bajillion times before? Well, yes, yes, you have. He’s part of the Annoying Supernatural Fast Talking Dick Club. (Accompanying text shows up on the screen)

NC: Never heard of it? It was very popular in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. I think it began with…

NC (voiceover): …Beetlejuice. (Several seconds of that movie is shown briefly) Ever since that movie came out, suddenly every flick had an annoying supernatural fast-talking dick in it.

NC: Don’t believe me? Let’s check out a few other films that came out around that time.

Maurice: Baseball cards! I love baseball cards! Got 'em, got 'em, need 'em!

(As we are shown several scenes of Maurice talking fast, we are shown a side-to-side comparison to three different fantasy films. First we see Beetlejuice from Beetlejuice)

Beetlejuice: Hey, guy! Come on, we're simpatico. Look at us. We even shop at the same store.

(We then see Fred from Drop Dead Fred)

Fred: She told you to piss off! What are you, deaf? I wrote the note. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Haven't got a husband!

(We then see the Genie from Aladdin)

The Genie: Hello, Aladdin, nice to have you on the show. Can we call you "Al" or maybe just "Din"? Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.

(Finally, we see all four characters, Maurice, Beetlejuice, Fred and the Genie, share corners of the screen for several seconds as NC starts to put a gun in his mouth)

Voice: Point made! (Accompanying text is shown onscreen)

NC: Oh, thank God! (collapses face first on his desk)

NC (voiceover): So listen to this: Howie Mandel gets weaker whenever he’s around bright light, and actual sunlight will apparently kill him. (He pauses as an image of Gizmo from Gremlins is shown briefly) Just like ANOTHER FRIGGIN’ MONSTER HE PLAYED! Does it have to be written in Howie Mandel’s contract that every character he plays is allergic to bright light? Are bright lights part of his OCD? Does he have some sort of paranoia against them?

NC: Seriously, what would happen if he stepped in bright light?

(Cut to a clip from Twilight with Bella Swan admiring Edward Cullen’s sparkling skin in the sunlight; The real-life Howie Mandel’s head is superimposed over Edward, and his skin is sparkling)

Bella: It’s like diamonds…you’re beautiful.

Howie Mandel: (Edward’s voice is heard here) Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So the next night, the monster comes back and decides he wants to party with Savage, because he’s the first kid to ever catch him.

Maurice: (He sticks his head under the bed and through the floor; speaks like the announcer from The Price is Right) Brian Stevenson, come on down!

Brian: Even if I do go, how do I know I’m gonna be able to come back?

Maurice: Listen to me! (close-up below him, aiming at his crotch) What goes on down there is every kid’s fantasy!

NC: (mimics Brian) Oh, you mean a naked April O’Neil covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce? (Pauses) I’m an early bloomer, so what?!

Maurice: Imagine if you will. Imagine a world solely of kids. Kids that just want to have fun. Ha-ha! No parents! You hear me, boy? I said, I said, “No parents!” Man, that alone is worth all the money in the world! (He gets up to throw out some of Brian’s clothes randomly from the dresser) It’s about leaving your clothes wherever it is you want to leave 'em. It's about never having to clean up after you eat. It’s about never worrying about being on time! (He bounces around an alarm clock in his hands)

NC (voiceover): JUST GO ALREADY! So finally, he (Maurice) takes him under the bed to show him the world of the monsters.

NC: Oh, boy, they’ve really built up this monster world big time! I can’t wait to see what it looks like!

Maurice: Take a gander, Brian! Ain’t it amazin’?

(We see tall stacks of wooden towers and two little sparks of light zooming around the place)

NC (voiceover): Well, that’s a…nice backstage of a set, but can we see the real set now?

Maurice: Every one of these staircases leads to some poor soul’s bedroom!

NC (voiceover): Oh. That…that is the real set. The world of monsters is nothing more than a collection of stairs and boxes. Wow. So you’re a little kid hearing all this build-up about the kingdom of monsters, and all you get is stairs and boxes. (Pauses) That is so much of a letdown, I can’t even bring myself to call it a letdown. I mean, how lazy and unimaginative are you?! A better description is needed to explain such an abomination of ass-ness!

NC: This isn’t a fucking letdown! This is…a mini-Holocaust of expectations. That’s how bad it is, folks! That’s how bad it is! (pauses) I had to use the word “Holocaust”!

NC (voiceover): So, really, all this world is is the Foot Clan hideout from the first Ninja Turtles movie. (footage of the Foot Clan hideout from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is shown briefly) You know, where all the kids get together to party and do bad things. In fact, it’s practically identical! But the fun doesn’t stop there. Maurice encourages Savage to play little pranks all throughout the neighborhood. OK, I guess a few innocent pranks here and there isn’t that bad—(Maurice places saran wrap over a toilet bowl) HOLY HELL, IS THAT CRUEL! In fact, the more you watch ‘em, most of these pranks are just cruel. They’re not really that funny; they’re just nasty! What's this?

(Maurice starts to drink the juice out of an apple juice bottle from a fridge)

Brian: You’re drinking it?

NC (voiceover): OK, he’s drinking a kid’s apple juice. I guess it doesn’t seem too bad—(Maurice stands up to turn around and actually urinate in the bottle) DUDE!

Brian: (gets excited) That’s great!

NC (voiceover): THAT…IS AWFUL! Look, this isn’t the Kevin Costner brewery, that’s real frickin’ piss! And why is this kid getting so excited about it? I think they invade the home of one boy he didn’t like, that bully from earlier. Outside of that, all the other kids are pure innocents, so how is this funny? Where does the humor come from?

NC: You know what? Maybe I’m thinking too hard about this. Maybe there was some comedy in here I’m just not seeing. After all, maybe we can see the kid’s reactions. That oughta be pretty funny.

(A quick montage of little children getting yelled by their parents is shown)

Father #1’s voice: PETER!!!

Girl: I’m innocent! I’ll take a lie detector test!

Mother #1’s voice: It’s because I’m working, isn’t it?

Mother #2’s voice: If you didn’t do it, WHO DID?!


NC: (is shocked) …THAT WAS HORRIFIC!

NC (voiceover): That wasn’t funny! That was…painful and unpleasant!

NC: Hey…(laughs a bit)…I have a funny idea. Why don’t we show their beatings? (An image of a father abusing his children is shown briefly) Yeah! Because pummeling little children is just as hilarious as mentally scarring them for life! Oh, look! This one’s getting the belt! (a “SMACK!” is heard) Hilarious!

(Brian and Maurice are shown walking around the monster world)

Maurice: Don’t you have any cheese in your life, bud? (He makes wacky laughs)

Brian: Cheese? What kind?

Maurice: Squeezed tomatoes! Broads! Chicks! Girls! I said, “Girls!” Don’t you have anybody else in your life besides your mother who wears an over the shoulder bolder holder?

NC (voiceover): "Over the shoulder bolder holder!" Yet another series of words that kids can add to the wonderful vocabulary that this film is teaching them. (The accompanying text “NEW WORDS: Damn, Ass, Hell, Jesus, Shit, Over the Shoulder Bolder Holder” is shown onscreen briefly) So while going through the homes, they visit the girl that Savage has a crush on.

Brian: (examines a photo of himself on Kiersten’s dresser) I don’t believe it. She likes me! I thought she hated me.

Maurice: Why would anybody hate you, Bri?

NC: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because YOU’RE AWFUL!

Brian: No, it’s just that ever since we moved here, I haven’t really been able to make friends.

NC: Again, because YOU’RE AWFUL!

NC (voiceover): As Maurice destroys the girl’s homework, we come across another monster named Snik. (The logo for Nickelodeon’s Snick is shown; NC scoffs) I wish. No, it’s never really explained exactly who Snik is, but I guess he’s sort of set up like the Mafioso of the monster world. If that’s the case, how come he can’t get a better wig to stick to his head? (Close-up on Snik’s loose wig)

Snik: (to a little kid) Ha-ha! That’s good for a laugh, isn’t it? (speaks in a low and threatening voice) I…love that.

NC (voiceover): You know, I gotta admit, I like post “Bat Outta Hell” Meatloaf better.

Snik: (He does the following as he speaks) I like taking my two…big…black…leather-gloved hands…and grabbing your head…and TEARING IT OFF! (He tosses the kid’s head into a basket)

NC (voiceover): And we’ve just witnessed your kid’s nightmare fuel for the week, parents! Whenever your children come up and say they wet themselves and they don’t know why, you’ll know the reason!

(Brian explores the monster world around the tall stacks of wooden stairs while the two little sparks of light fly around)

NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, by the way, adding random animated sparks doesn’t make your world any more magical. IT’S STILL FUCKING BOXES! So Savage goes to school and sees what Maurice did to Kiersten’s big project. This causes him to finally realize that maybe he’s a little asshole.

Brian: (at home, talking with Maurice) You know she got a zero because of you?

Maurice: I was hungry, OK? And it just—it just so happened at that moment, I had a craving for a six-page paper on the daytime blooming of a nighttime cactus! (He teases Brian) You like her, don’t you?

Brian: No, I don’t.

Maurice: (laughs and jumps on the bed) Brian’s got a girlfriend! Brian’s got a girlfriend!

John Hammond (from Jurassic Park): I really hate that man.

NC (voiceover): OK, so…as if this movie couldn’t possibly get any more miserable, take a look at what they throw at us next.

Glen: (speaks with rest of the family) Your mom and I have decided that we’re not gonna…live together for a while.

Brian: (to Eric) Don’t you get it? They’re getting a divorce.

NC (voiceover): THANK YOU, MOVIE! Thank you! When we’re not in a fantasy world of hellish nightmares and gruesome ugliness, it’s nice to know we can return to a world of separations and divorce!

NC: Little Monsters. Because God hates you!

NC (voiceover): So Savage discovers that the more times he goes down into the underworld, the more he starts to actually become a monster, as body parts start disappearing in the light. So he tells Maurice that he doesn’t want to go to the underworld anymore.

(Maurice and Brian sit together on the bed while Maurice moves his hands and arms awkwardly, trying to mentally process the news Brian told him and contemplate about it)

Maurice: Believe it or not…you’re the only real friend I have. Why do you think I keep coming back?

NC (voiceover): You know, have you ever noticed that Mandel moves like a puppet being used by a bad puppeteer?

NC: (pretends to maneuver a puppet from up above) Now, how do you operate this damn thing again?

NC (voiceover): But it turns out the evil monster Snik comes along and kidnaps Savage’s brother. Why? Because he’s (Brian) stopped coming to the underworld! …I don’t know, you figure out the reasoning behind that.

Holly: (wakes Brian up from his sleep) Eric’s gone! Have you seen him? Do you know where he went?

Brian: Gone? He’s GONE?!

Holly: Look, Brian, if you know anything, tell me right now!

NC: (sits to the left side of the screen and looks off camera right, speaking for Brian) Well, OK, there’s this monster city that lives under my bed, and Howie Mandel is one of the—(NC sits on the right side of the screen and acts as Holly by pretending to smack “Brian”)

NC (voiceover): So he calls up all his friends and tells them everything that’s happened. Of course, they don’t believe him, but luckily, Savage can prove it.

(Brian shows his friends the truth by going under the bed and magically falling through the floor before popping his head out again)

Kiersten: Holy shit!

NC: (laughs) OK, to this movie’s credit…that is the exact same reaction I would have.

NC (voiceover): So they bring a bunch of flashlights and venture to where they think their brother is being held.

Boy (A well-dressed man, ruler of the monster world): Brian Stevenson.

Brian: Where’s Eric?

Boy: And you brought some little playmates along with you! How nice!

Brian: I want my BROTHER!!

NC: (as Helen from Waterworld) As well as some FOOD!

Boy: Oh, Brian. What sort of a greeting is that? After all, we are so much alike.

NC (voiceover): I’m sorry, who are you? We’re literally given no introduction to this character. Is he the boss? Is he the ruler? Did he have a plan the whole time? Are they somehow powered by the misery of children? Well, thankfully, none of that is answered, because they had to make room for really important scenes like this one.

(A teddy bear approaches at Brian’s feet and drills a hole through Brian’s shoe with a drill sticking out of its nose; Brian notices this and kicks it aside)

NC: …Didn’t that add so much?

(The kids shine their lights on Boy)

NC (voiceover): So the head monster turns into clothes, but his gadgets and weapons take the kids out.

(Snik grabs Brian and shows him to Boy’s melted monster face; Brian screams at this)

Boy: Show Brian to his room!

(Snik brings Brian over to a hole in the floor)

NC: (gasps) Oh, no!

Snik: Bye-bye, Brian! (He shoves Brian down the hole)

(NC gasps again and raises his hands before we see Brian fall onto a pile of stuffed animals and dolls; NC reacts in puzzlement and shrugs)

NC (voiceover): Stuffed animals? That’s the best torture they can do? They must have been watching Monty Python’s “Spanish Inquisition.”

Cardinal Ximenez (from the “Spanish Inquisition” Monty Python Sketch): (to an old female victim) Confess! (Another cardinal punches her with pillows, which serve as punching gloves) Confess! Confess!

NC (voiceover): Luckily, Maurice is down there as they try to figure out a way to escape.

Kiersten: I have an idea! We can generate light by wiring pencils to the phone, just like a carbon lamp from a projector.

NC: Oh, yeah—! Wait, what?

(Brian holds up the two pencils that somehow spark electricity while Todd turns the crank on the phone)

Brian: Faster!

Todd: I’m trying!

(NC looks puzzled by what is going on)

Maurice: If at first…

Brian: Come on!

Maurice: …you don’t succeed, try…A LIGHT! (He turns into clothes after being exposed to the light)

NC: Okay, even MacGyver would call bullshit on that one!

(Kiersten shoves Maurice’s clothes under a crack)

NC (voiceover): So they escape out of the prison (with Maurice returning to his normal form on the other side and opening the door) just so they can sneak back in and do the whole GODDAMN THING OVER AGAIN! It’s literally like replaying a level in a video game!

(Cut back to the earlier scene)

Snik: Bye-bye, Brian!

(Snik shoves Brian down the hole, and we hear the “Mario Dies” music from the NES version of Super Mario Bros before we cut to a screen indicating how many lives Brian has left (his head is placed over Mario); cut to the group of kids approaching Boy again while wearing multiple lights on themselves, and the intro music for when starting a new level on the NES version of Super Mario Bros is heard here)

NC (voiceover): So they get the bully to join them because they tricked him into drinking his own piss…

NC: (starts to speak, but stops to think about it) …Forget it.

NC (voiceover): …as the monsters just…once again, stand in the middle of the room and allow themselves to get zapped. Well, wait a minute, where’s all the gadgets? Where’s all the weapons that they had last time?

(A voice off-screen talks in trumpet “wah-wahs” like Mrs. Othmar from the Charlie Brown cartoons; NC looks off-screen)

NC: They forgot to write them in? OK.

NC (voiceover): They get his brother back, but Snik pulls himself together and tries to stop the kids from leaving. But luckily, Maurice has a secret weapon!

NC: I’m sure he’s gonna take one of the lessons he’s learned and use it to save the day—


(Snik is burned alive as Maurice uses a flamethrower on him)

NC: What’s the moral of this film again?

NC (voiceover): All the monsters are happy that the head monster is destroyed—though we…don’t really know why, as we have no idea how this fucking world works, but whatever—it turns out the sun has already come up at their house. So they travel across the country—that is, they run across the same set several times and just put up different signs—until they finally get to California. (Pauses before we cut to clips from The Wizard) Where Savage and his brother enter a video game tournament starring Super Mario Bros. 3!

NC: Nope, nope, that would be the AWESOME ending.

Brian: (calls home from a phone booth) Mom! I’ve got Eric!

Holly: Where are you?

Brian: Malibu.

Holly: Where the hell is that?

Brian: …California?

Holly: What on earth are you doing there?

Brian: Uhm…it's kind of a…long story.

NC (voiceover): And I’m not kidding, that’s the ending. The issue of the parents getting divorced? Never resolved. Finding out if their kids ever tell their parents about the monsters? Never mentioned. What happens to the monster underworld and just how the hell is it being run, anyway? Never addressed. We just get a visual recap of the film that only consists of THREE PICTURES! I guess even the filmmakers couldn’t think of many memorable moments from this shitty-ass film!

NC: And that’s exactly what this is! A shitty-ass film!

(Clips from the movie are shown again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): What a miserable piece of cinema. There’s no moral or lesson, it’s not fun, the images are probably too scary for most kids, it’s not visually pleasing, it’s not that creative, there’s a ton of unexplained story issues, and it’s surprisingly mean-spirited! The pranks just seem cruel, the father just seems cruel, the monsters just seem cruel…I don’t mind cruelty in a film if it’s amounting to something, but this literally amounts to nothing! It’s just shit.

NC: My advice? Avoid this movie like the plague! Or better yet, get the plague so that at least you’ll have something to look forward to after watching this dumbass movie! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. [gets up and leaves]


Channel Awesome Tagline—Maurice: Over the shoulder bolder holder!

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