Let's Play Bart's Nightmare

Nc bart s nightmare by marobot-d493cpc.jpg

September 6, 2011
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Perhaps some of you remember my video game review of “Bebe’s Kids.”

(Footage from the “Bebe’s Kids” video game review with NC destroying the video game cartridge is shown)

NC: And my video game review of “Blues Brothers” on my Volume 2 DVD.

(Footage from the “Blues Brothers” video game review with NC going crazy and shooting his gun wildly in the air is shown)

NC: They suck. But needless to say, people loved to see me get tortured by video games. Well, no more. I’m not doing any more video game reviews. But…it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to not play video games anymore. I heard of this wonderful little thing on the Internet called Let’s Play.

(Small samples of Let’s Play is shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): This is where someone just hooks up their video game to their computer, does a quick run-through of it, and just tells them what they think. Now, that sounds much easier than just analyzing and putting an actual review together.

NC: As you can imagine, just playing a video game is much easier than having to review a video game. This is gonna be a walk in the park. So, what video game am I gonna do today? Well, let’s try “Bart’s Nightmare.” (He holds up the video game cartridge for “Bart’s Nightmare for the camera)

(The title screen for the video game “Bart’s Nightmare” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the video game)

NC (voiceover): As we all know, anything with the Simpsons’ name has to be gold.

NC: That is, except for the…show right now. But anything else connected with “The Simpsons” is always gonna be fantastic. (The cover for the video game “Bart Vs. The Space Mutants” is shown) Well, except for that. (The cover for the video game “Bart Vs. The World” is shown) And that one, too. (The cover for “Virtual Bart” for Super Nintendo is shown) SHUT UP! Well, nonetheless, it’s gotta be less painful than actually having to review it. Let’s find out as we do my very first Let’s Play. (He gets up to leave his chair)

(Cut to NC putting the video game cartridge in the gaming system)

NC: Let’s play this fucker.

(The title card for the company “Acclaim Entertainment, Inc.” is shown before Bart runs across the screen screaming)

NC (voiceover): I’ll be running from this game, too.

(The video game begins with an introduction just like the TV show with a blue sky and clouds before the clouds depart to reveal the “The Simpsons” title and zoom at the viewer with background singers singing “The Simpsons”)

NC (voiceover): (sounds bored at first) Okay, look at those graphics. Aren’t those incredible? It’s just like watching the show.

(After the title has zoomed in, it flashes white before revealing the title screen for “Bart’s Nightmare”)

NC (voiceover): Actually, wow! OK, that’s pretty good. Okay, so what do we have? We have, uh, Bart doing his homework. Okay, already, I know this is a work of fiction. You never see Bart doing his homework.

(Bart gets droopy-eyed and plants his face into his homework, falling asleep)

NC (voiceover): Okay, that’s more like it. That’s more like the real Bart. (Bart’s room dissolves and changes into shades of gray, becoming a dream for him) Let’s see, OK, he’s entering the Twilight Zone, I guess. I don’t know why. Uh, his homework’s blowing out the window, and he has to go get it. How…very…existential. So, what, the answer's in his dreams? That’s…that’s very strange, but, uh…

(The same title card for “Acclaim Entertainment, Inc.” with Bart running across the screen screaming is seen again)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, I saw that, skip it! Gah...

(Fade in on a blue sky with clouds all over and Bart falling through to land on a sidewalk and get up to walk around)

NC (voiceover): Okay, this must be the game beginning then. Uh…I’d say already in the beginning, the game is trying to attack you. I like that. It just dumps you into this…purgatory, whatever.

(A sound effect is made when Bart jumps, making him go “Whoa!” each time)

NC (voiceover): Don’t you just love that jumping sound? It’s a great sound. Okay, I guess you go for the, uh…

(A mailbox moves across the street and runs into Bart, making him fall down)

NC (voiceover): Dammit! Guess you go for the homework here. Alright, let’s try it.

(A school bus drives by and hits Bart, making him fall down again)

NC (voiceover): No! Shit! Mother—! How am I supposed to get the homework if everyone’s trying to run you over?!

(Bart makes it to a piece of paper and jumps on it)

NC (voiceover): Okay, yes, yes, that—

(Cut to black before fading in on the sheet of paper with two doors colored blue and orange respectively and a question mark between them before Bart comes in to approach them)

NC (voiceover): Okay, I don’t know how I did that, but…Okay, I have to choose a door—(Bart automatically goes for the blue door on the left) Okay, I guess I’m going for the blue.

(After entering through the blue door, the screen fades in on being up in the sky high above Springfield and Bart falling in to become Bartman, who is able to fly around in this world)

NC (voiceover): Oh, cool! Okay, so this is like Bartman. Uh, flying around here, jus…

(Many miniature rocket missiles are launched up from the bottom of the screen, one of them hitting Bart)

NC (voiceover): SHIT! Fu-! Okay, how…shi-! Okay, how do I fire things?

(Bart is seeing using a slingshot to repeatedly fire little bits of ammo)

NC (voiceover): Alright, there we go, okay. So the, uh…what is that? That is the “A” button, uh, fires these little malted milk bombs…

(More of the same miniature missiles appear from the bottom of the screen, almost hitting Bart)

NC (voiceover): Shit! No, shit, shit, motherfuck—(Bart gets hit by what looks like tiny red jet planes) no! Get-away-from-me…! Okay, so you got these—(A thundercloud strikes Bart with a lightning bolt) Goddamn it! Fucking clouds are attacking you? How's that work?! (He sighs) Okay, so I guess you’re fighting the bad weather.

(Large balloons with Krusty the Clown’s head on them appear on the right side of the screen and go up and down repeatedly, and Bart fires repeatedly at them while avoiding them)

NC (voiceover): Uh, Ok, let’s see, balloons. That would give me, uh…yeah, okay, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, motherfuck… Okay, so you’re, uh, firing these rabbit turds, I guess. They’re trying to, uh, you know, you’re just trying to stop these people from having a good time. I guess there is a person, uh, hang-gliding and, uh, not sure what he’s about to…

(Nelson suddenly flies in on his hang-glider, aiming for Bart)


(Sherri and Terri appear in a hot-air balloon dropping little bombs from their basket)

NC (Voiceover): Okay, you got these two bitches here. Uh…uh, y-yes, okay, I can’t go any higher, so…what, just let them rain hell upon me, I guess?

(Bart gets hit by one of the little bombs)

NC (voiceover): Fuck! I’m, like, almost down to my last…you know, life force or—(Bart repeatedly fires at the hot-air balloon) C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, D—! Oh, my God—(Bart is hit by yet another little bomb) OW! Ok, a- No! Dammit. The controls are, really—the only controls in this are just floating around pushing ants. (Bart succeeds at destroying the hot-air balloon) YEAH! YEAH, YOU DIE, BITCHES! YEAH! Okay. So, uh, so you’re still flying around here. More…weather’s trying to kill you; I don’t know what’s up with that. Shit! Shit! Shit!

(Bart gets hit again by the weather)

NC (voiceover): AH, GODDAMMIT! (He sighs) Okay, I’m down to a skeleton, I suppose. Are my life force…c’mon, c’mon, die, die, die. And what’s really tough about this is you see how the, uh, you know, the rabbit turds there? Every time you fly, they just go backwards. I guess they’re accounting for the air. It’s a very realistic dream, I suppose.

(Boss Meter appears at the top of the screen, indicating the arrival of the boss at this game level)

NC (voiceover): Uh, okay, boss, boss. What do we have here? We have, uh…hello? We have nothing.

(Barney appears, riding on an imaginary purple creature)

NC (voiceover): Oh! We—oh, my God, the fuck is that? It is a, uh…(Bart flies down to avoid being hit again) SHIT! No, it’s not shit. It’s a, uh, a pink elephant, I guess, that Barney’s riding. That’s actually kind of clever. Why do you hate Barney? Barney’s awesome! Why is Bart trying to kill Barney in this, uh…(Bart succeeds to causing Barney and the creature to explode) Okay, well, now we see why. Alright, what do we got now?

(Apu is seen riding a flying carpet across the screen)

NC (voiceover): Apu—DIE, APU! DIE! Oh, no, wait, he’s giving you something, okay. Beef jerky, I guess, is a life for—(Bart narrowly avoids getting hit by a mini missile) No, no, shit, shit, no, no, no, fuck, okay—(Bart gets hit by a mini missile, depleting his whole life) DAYAYAGHH NO! Okay. This’ll be alright. (Bart reappears with a new life) Come on, there we go. Okay, just got to stay away from these…these missiles—Why are they trying to shoot a flying little boy? Would you try to nuke him? I wouldn’t. That’d be, like, “Dude, how the fuck are you doing that?”

(A little missile hits Bart)

NC (voiceover): NO, SHIT! God— (sighs) These controls are really hard with these malted milk ball things. I mean, they’re like… (Another missile hits Bart) God fucking, I’ll kill you…they’re, like, really hard. I mean, I guess if you hold it back, you can fire them a little further, but I mean, just one of these isn’t gonna do anything.

(Waylon Smithers appears in a blimp with giant darts all over it)

NC (Voiceover): Alright. Mr. Smithers is angry because you tried to take Mr. Burns away, I guess, I don’t know. Alright, d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d’oh. (The blimp disappears from the top of the screen briefly) Hello?

(The blimp reappears, launching its giant darts at Bart)

NC (voiceover): Okay, so you try to—sh— Okay, good, good, good, yeah, yeah! OH, YEAH, you thought—(Bart gets hit by a dart) Okay, shit. Now he’s gonna kill me. Okay, I thought…(Bart ends up flying into one of the darts still attached to the blimp and dies) like one of those took out half my life force! What the hell? (He sighs)

(Bart’s remaining new life appears)

NC (voiceover): Ok, so you have to kill Mr. Smithers. C’mon, c’mon, die, die, die, I’m just gonna let this rain down upon you! D-d-d-…Okay, if you sort of swing down a bit…(The blimps begins flying away from Bart) No, where are you going, bitch, where you goin'?!

(The blimp finally disappears out of sight)

NC (voiceover): Oh, okay, well, I guess I didn’t have to really kill him. I just let him fly off like the pansy coward he is. Did the balloon just fart? Okay, so we’re flying around and we’re—hey, an extra life! I like that, okay. So, (sighs)…alright, just more clouds. Okay, there’s some flying red dog food trying to hit you. I don’t know what that’s….

(Bart now flies through green clouds, presumably formed from the nuclear waste coming from the power plant)

NC (voiceover): Uh, I’m gonna guess those are bad. Let me see. (Bart flies through a green cloud and gets struck, depleting his whole life) Yeah, yeah, that’d definitely bad! That’s—oh, okay, that was, uh…I guess I can’t blame the game for that. That was really, really stupid of me. (Bart reappears with his new remaining life left) Yeah, nice! Just start me off in the cloud! Just start me off on death! Th-That’s very kind of the game—(A little missile hits Bart) NOW, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FLY THROUGH THESE WITH THESE MISSILES TRYING TO KILL ME?! COME ON! Yeah! I guess I heard—Shit! (Bart tries to fly through a small passage between two green clouds but gets hit by one, depletes half of his life) NO, NO, NO—! My God! Those take off, like, so much!

(More of the little missiles continue launching)

NC (voiceover): Okay, I’m just gonna fire these things like mad. I’m not taking any chances. I don’t care what the hell…if…I-I don’t care if my mother comes in. I’m gonna fire in her fucking face. This is a nightmare. Everything’s trying to kill me. It’s a very Freudian nightmare. I wouldn’t doubt if my mother’s trying to kill me.

(A new Boss Meter appears at the top, indicating a new Boss about to arrive, but it is Smithers again launching his darts at Bart)

NC (voiceover): Okay, so we fly down…Alright, I think I got it. I’m just gonna fly down, shooting at this—Oh shit, I got nowhere else to fly. Okay, okay, okay, no, no. Oh, hey, hey! I’m actually doing kind of good.

(Bart gets hit by a dart, which depletes the rest of his life before Smithers flies away)

NC (voiceover): Ahh, sh…! Why is that? Why is it every time I say, “Hey! I’m doing good!” something always has to kill me? Th-That’s the rule of comedy. Comedy really fucking sucks. Okay, a hang-glider, okay. So I know the hang-glider’s gonna come over at some point, so I’m gonna keep really low to the ground so he doesn’t get me.

(More little missiles launch from the bottom of the screen)

NC (Voiceover): NO, SHIT! Shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Okay, I guess they gave up—(More missiles launch upward) SHIT! They try to hit Jack Skellington, what’s up with this? Come on! No! Okay, so as you can tell by now, this level’s getting really boring. You know, ‘cause…they do nothing but fire missiles at little boys, so it’s not only really boring, it’s really cruel? And, uh, who do we got now?

(A new Boss Meter appears, indicating a new Boss for the game level; this time, a red bi-plane can be seen flying in the background)

NC (voiceover): A plane. Okay. Yeah, okay—(Mr. Burns suddenly flies in on his bi-plane to shoot at Bart) WHAT D-GH—FUCK! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO HIT THAT?! No, come on, no, no! (Bart gets hit) Shit! Fuck! (He grunts in frustration) Alright, c’mon, D-D-D-D—! Alright, I got one life here, and you’re not gonna fucking kill me, you old man! (Mr. Burns flies in from the opposite side of the screen to shoot at Bart again) Well, how—? How am I supposed to see him coming? What am I supposed to do? That’s…God…he goes everywhere I go! I go up…HE FUCKING GOES UP! SEE?! I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! Alright, I got one more, one more hit. Gotta make it good, gotta make it good! Alright, yeah! Little boy’s learning! Little boy is learning how to—(Bart gets hit, depleting the remainder of his life) FUCK! Okay, so the Bartman level really sucks. There’s nothing you can do about it. It just fucking sucks, okay. (He sighs)

(After the Bartman level fades to black, it fades back to Bart’s room with him still sleeping; at the bottom of the screen are eight blank squares with the subtitle “Pages Collected” above them)

NC (voiceover): Yes, thank you. I have nothing. That’s a very kindly reminder.

(Returning back to the beginning stage of the dream, Bart is dropped onto the sidewalk before he gets up to walk around)

NC (Voiceover): Grazie. I really needed that. So I’m walking through…(sighs) These controls are really searching. They’re not choppy, just sort of sluggish, I guess. (He sighs) Alright, so I’m looking for another piece of paper. Come on, give me another piece of paper—(A small question mark floats by) What was that? (Bart jumps at the question mark, and it turns into an arrow pointing right) It’s…an arrow. It’s…going the way I was just going. Thank you, thank you, that’s, uh…very helpful, game. That’s, uh, really giving me a lot, okay. (A piece of paper soon floats by on the road) Yes! There we go! Yeah! (Bart goes after the paper and jumps on it) Go, go, go, ahh!

(Cut to black before fading in on the sheet of paper with two doors colored purple and orange respectively and a question mark between them before Bart comes in to approach them)

NC (voiceover): Okay, which one am I gonna do? (Bart automatically enters the orange door on the right) Okay, I guess I’m going for the orange.

(After entering through the orange door, the screen fades in on some kind of temple and Bart standing in an area containing nothing but movable stacks of rectangular multi-colored stones; each time Bart hops on a stone stack, it goes down, making another random one go up)

NC (voiceover): Oh, this is cool. Alright, get the egg. Good! Alright, so you’re sort of just hopping around, uh, you know, catching whatever. And, uh…(Bart ends up falling through a stone stack after jumping on it, depleting his whole life) THE FLYING FUCK?!! (He sighs after starting the level over) Okay, so the moral of the game is, uh, try to move and you die. That’s, like, why even play the game? Alright, so I guess you move around, things sort of hop around with you, we get this devil-fuck here, see if I can…get him. (Bart uses a whip to whip at the blue devil, and it disappears) AH-HA! Blue devil. Alright, so you go along your merry way, and, um…(Bart gets hit by a pacifier launched by the stone face of Maggie) you die. This seems to be the theme of the game. You go along and you die. That’s-that’s great. Okay. So, I got no more eggs left. Hopefully I can, uh, find something really good. You got these killer Maggies—your baby sister’s trying to kill you. That is fucked up. (Bart stands still as the Maggie stone face launches a pacifier) AH-HA! Ah-ha! Ha! Yeah! Not so tough now, are you? Alright, yeah—(The blue devil goes after Bart) No, no, hey! (Bart jumps on a stone stack and falls through before the screen fades to black)

(Fade in on Bart’s room with Bart still sleeping; at the bottom of the screen are eight blank squares with the subtitle “Pages Collected” above them)

NC (voiceover): And that was the, uh, Indiana Jones level. I hope you enjoyed it. Um, I really fucking hate it.

(Returning back to the beginning stage of the dream, Bart is dropped onto the sidewalk before he gets up to walk around)

NC (voiceover): So…Okay, it drops you back into purgatory here, that’s nice. If I’m… I gotta get these “Z”s somehow. So let’s see, let’s try and get a “Z”; you have to get the - Ok, that does nothing. Thank you. Uh…

(A spinning green decapitated head of the Jebediah Springfield bounces in, hitting Bart)

NC (voiceover): Shit, shit. No, no, no, no, no.

(After Bart gets it, it turns the whole scene mostly white)

NC (Voiceover): Ok, so this is sort of like real-life death where you see a bright light and you’re close to death. Okay, so I gotta get this blue “Z.” Come on, give me that, give me that, no, no, no, no, no, no, I gotta move this right, no, come on, GIVE ME THAT FUCKING “Z”!

(The screen returns to normal)

NC (voiceover): Yes! Okay. Now I have a life force. This is really confusing me. You gotta collect these “Z”s in order to keep your life force up, and the longer you get the…thank you, it just disappeared…the-the longer you get the-the “Z”s, like if I was to get a “Z” to, like, the other side of the screen, like the far right side of the screen, the longer the life bar would be to…

(Bart gets hit by a three-eyed fish and falls to the ground; NC sighs as the screen returns to being almost white)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, I’m just gonna stop explaining this. I’m just gonna try and fucking live, ‘cause this game is really friggin’ hard. Okay. (He sighs again)

(The screen returns to normal again)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, you may also be noticing that that sheet of paper is supposed to take you to the next level? Yeah, it-it doesn’t seem to be, uh, popping up right now. It’s a little, uh, sadistic that way. I’m not entirely sure why…come on, turn around. Okay. So, uh…you got…(sighs)…Okay, so is there, like, another arrow that points me where I supposed to go or something? ‘Cause this is sort of, uh, tedious and annoying. (He sighs again)

(Another spinning green decapitated head of the Jebadiah Springfield statue bounces in, hitting Bart)

NC (Voiceover): The jumping’s impossible in this game! (The screen becomes almost white again) Alright, gotta get another one of these “Z” things. No, no, nononono. (Lisa, as a fairy, flies in and turns Bart into a frog) Oh! I’m still…I don’t know how that happened, but I’ll take it. (He sighs after Bart the frog dies)

(Fade to black before fading back in on Bart asleep (from a bird’s point of view))

NC (voiceover): And now I’m dead. That’s…that was wonderful. Thank you, game. Thank you.

(A close-up of Bart’s homework with a large red “D-“ written across it and Bart holding it in his hand now appears)

Bart: Uh-oh.

(Fade in on the Simpson family looking at Bart’s graded homework on the refrigerator, with Homer and Marge not looking very pleased, and Bart hangs his head in shame)

NC: D-minus. That’s…I-I-I feel so privileged that you gave me this opportunity, game. My family looks at me, hate me, and, uh, totally want to disown me. That’s wonderful. Okay. Final score, your final score is nothing, ‘cause you’re a failure. (He notices the final score being posted on the side of the fridge with each number presented one by one, finally shown as "9380" ) Oh, no, that’s…what’s that supposed to mean to me? It’s just numbers. You don’t get anything if you…get a high score, so it’s totally pointless. Why have a score? There’s a score? I didn’t know there was a score!

(Fade to black before fading in on the “Acclaim Entertainment, Inc.” title card and Bart running across the screen screaming; fade to black as the game starts over in the dream with Bart being dropped on the sidewalk from the sky and then walking around)

NC (voiceover): Alright, fuck it, I’m gonna try this one more time. I’m gonna try and give you some of the other levels. That was fucking bullshit. Hopefully, it’ll actually give me the sheet like it did last time, because that was…or, you know—(A sheet of paper flies across the road) AH-HA! Ah! Ah. No, I’m not gonna wait over this time! JUMP IN THE FUCKING—! (Bart successfully jumps onto the sheet of paper) Oh, God, okay.

(Cut to black before fading in on the sheet of paper with two doors colored purple and yellow respectively and a question mark between them before Bart comes in to approach them)

NC (voiceover): Okay, let’s see, let’s see what’s, uh…(Bart automatically goes for the yellow door) yellow, ‘cause my skin is yellow and that just matches, so let’s see. Uh, we got…a black screen. That’s inventive.

(After entering through the yellow door, the screen fades in on the interior of the Simpson’s home in a hallway; Bart is seen running around while Itchy the mouse runs around with a mallet)

NC (voiceover): Oh! Itchy and Scratchy! Okay! Uh…what, do I jump on him, or, uh…uh, hi?

(Itchy smashes Bart into a small disc shape)

NC (voiceover): Or-or I just get smashed by him. That’s-that’s lovely, okay.

(Bart walks by a side table with a hammer resting on it)

NC (voiceover): Here we go! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay! (Bart jumps on the table to get at the hammer) Okay, motherfucking motherfucker, you’re going down! You’re going down! YOU’RE GOING DOWN! How the hell did I lose him—? (NC gets the controls right for Bart to smash down with the hammer) There we go! HA-HA! Ha-ha! Ha! That wasn’t so hard—

(Scratchy comes in, smashing down with a large wooden mallet)

NC (voiceover): AH-HA! HA! (Scratchy runs away) Really? That’s it? (Itchy returns to smash down, but Bart strikes back) Gah! He fucking killed you! How do they come back like that? That makes no sense. (Scratchy reappears to smash down with his wooden mallet) I JUST FUCKING—! Okay, so I-I guess Itchy and Scratchy have, like, a million cousins. Um…

(Itchy comes back in to fire with a bazooka)

NC (voiceover): SHIT! SH—!

(Bart gets hit by the bazooka and turns into ashes, depleting his life)

NC (voiceover): Okay, motherfucking mouse, I’m gonna fucking kill you.

(Bart returns with a new life and gets another hammer)

NC (voiceover): You die, you die, YOU DIE, YOU DIE, YOU DIE—Okay, I’m on the table.

(Bart succeeds in hitting Itchy before he runs off; NC sighs with relief)

NC (Voiceover): Okay. I don’t need any more shit—(Scratchy comes in with a wooden mallet, but Bart strikes back, scaring him away) AH-HA! Ah-ha. Really? A bazooka and then just another mallet?

(Scratchy returns with a flame thrower)

NC (voiceover): OH, SHIT! SHIT! No, no, no, fuck, fuck, fuck! Okay, okay, how do I get the fuck—Okay, DIE, DIE, DIE! (Bart smashes down on Scratchy) Okay, okay.

(A red arrow flashes pointing to the right)

NC (voiceover): Go to the right. Here we go, mother—(Two vacuum cleaners that have evil faces and spit out flames zips across the screen) Oh, shit! Shit! No, no, shit, no! Okay, okay, God, no, a vacuum, no, shit! That was a motherfuckin’—I know the shit! Okay, okay, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, no, no, no, no, no, okay, okay, okay.

(Bart smashes his hammer on both vacuum cleaners)

NC (voiceover): OW! DIE! HA-HA! Blow the shit—(A lamp spits out a light bulb, hitting Bart and turning him into ashes, depleting the remainder of his life) Oh! Really? A light bulb? (He sighs) How do you die from a fucking vacuum? I don’t get that!

(As soon as Bart’s new life reappears, a vacuum has come in contact with him, depleting his life entirely)

NC (Voiceover): I juh—YOU JUST SET ME DOWN! GIVE ME A CHANCE, YOU MOTHER—! (He sighs after Bart gets a new life while on a side table and wearing a tank while holding onto a spray gun) Okay. Let’s just do it. Really? That-That’s gonna—you see the shit I gotta go against on there, and…this is gonna defeat ‘em? I don’t think it’s gonna work. What’s, uh…Oh, wow. Okay. I, uh…

(Bart gets hit by a light bulb after getting onto the floor)

NC (Voiceover): Oh, Goddamn it! Why did you lose your weapon?

(Bart goes for the spray gun again and uses it to shoot at the vacuum cleaners; the gun shoots out white smoke, making the cleaners disappear)

NC (voiceover0: No, God damn—AH-HA! Ah-ha! Okay, okay, okay. (Bart continues firing at incoming vacuum cleaners) Yeah! YEAH! GOIN’ DOWN, BEEYOTCH! GOIN’ DOWN! (Itchy runs in, but then is defeated) Oh, oh, yeah, MOUSE, mouse—No, no, no, no. Yeah, good, give me another, GIVE ME ANOTHER! (Scratchy appears, but Bart defeats him with his gun) YEAH! Yeah! Come on, come on! You think I haven’t fucked this shit before? Now I have a fucking…smoke blower, which sounds really lame and stupid, but hey, it blows SMOKE! Your ass is GRASS, you fuck—(Bart defeats another Scratchy with his gun) YEAH! Fuckin’ PUSSY! (He sighs as Bart approaches the stairs and goes up them) Okay, up we go. (The screen starts fading to black) Up, up, go, go, okay. Okay, it works.

(Fade in with Bart now upstairs in the attic)

NC (Voiceover): Where are we at now? (More vacuum cleaners come at Bart, but he shoots them, defeating them) OH, MORE B— OH, OH! BITCH, BITCH! No, no, no! You ain’t doing nothing, you ain’t doing nothing! Ah! Why is there a toilet in the attic? I don’t—that’s very confusing. Okay! So you’re in the attic, you’re, uh…(Bart goes for a gun with plunger darts in it that is resting on an armchair) what’s this? (Bart shoots the dart gun at the vacuum cleaner, which destroys it) Okay! Gun! See? N-Now we’re getting—I don’t care if it’s a plunger gun, it’s a fucking gun. (Bart continues shooting with the plunger gun) There need to be more guns in dreams. So…okay, I can’t go through this way. Gonna sort of run this way. Nothing—(A vacuum appears, and Bart destroys it) OH, HEY, more of that shit. (Itchy appears with his bazooka, shooting at Bart) AH, SHIT! Okay, what’s a plunger gonna do against a bazooka? (Bart shoots at Itchy, destroying him) Okay, I guess a lot. Ah, let’s see, what else we got? (Scratchy appears with a flame thrower) Hey, hey, sh-sh—(Scratchy shoots at Bart, turning him into ashes and depleting the remainder of his life) WHAT THE F—?! Okay, one shot of those kills you. That is bull ass!

(Fade to black before fading back in Bart’s room with Bart still sleeping; at the bottom of the screen are eight blank squares with the subtitle “Pages Collected” above them)

NC (voiceover): (sighs) Motherfuck, yes, still got nothing. Still got nothing. Thanks for the reminder, game!

(Fade away with Bart being returned to the dream and falling onto the sidewalk before getting up to walk around)

NC (voiceover): I blow, you’re fantastic! You’re wonderful, because you’re presenting me with such FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT!! I’m just really…really goddamn enjoying this again…FUCKING entertainment. Okay. (He sighs) So, what, we got another hour to search for this, uh, sheet of paper, then, right? Yeah? Am I correct? Oh, God, gotta get another “Z,” okay. Gotta find another “Z,” ‘cause in Bart’s head, somehow it saves the world. OH, WHY YOU FUCKING—Okay, this is what I’m talking about. See, now every time I get one of these “Z”s, I have to—(A school bus runs Bart over) GOD! No, no. Okay, give me, give me—okay. Give me another, okay? Am I—do I really have no more buttons—(Bart narrowly misses a bouncing green Jebadiah Springfield head) NO, I JUST—Godd - OoowOOOOOGH! (sigh) Okay. I-I’m jumping these…(Bart jumps to go after a blue music note) what does this do? Okay, now I’m moonwalking—

(A Jebadiah Springfield head hits Bart, turning the screen mostly white)

NC: That’s great. (He sighs) Okay, still going backwards. You need to stop going backwards, you little shit. Okay, is there any way to…ERRGGHH!! (He sighs) Okay. It just…work this way. It’s a little confusing, ‘cause you have to push left to go right, but, uh, okay, now you have to push right to go right. (He sighs again) Okay, I need a “Z.” I need a “Z,” or else I’m dead. I am freaking dead.

(Principal Skinner is seen walking around with a tiny business suit for Bart to wear)

NC: Just go on. I-I-I don’t want SKINNER! I fucking want—there’s a “Z”! Give me a “Z,” give me a “Z”, gimme gimmie gimmie! (The screen returns to normal) Okay, still alive! Still in the game! I—Skinner’s following me like a pedophile; I don’t know why. Uh, okay, I need another one. If I get that one, okay, good! Is that—(A school bus narrowly misses Bart) WHOO-HEE-HEE! Okay, so, you see—now, you see that line, okay? I have to get the “Z”s inside that line, so whatever. You had ‘em, like, a second ago when it’s only, like, a centimeter long, you’re pretty screwed, and you have to get your “Z”s inside the little centimeter line. That’s really stupid. (He sighs) Okay, so…you ever seen The Matrix Revolutions where he’s (Neo) stuck in that…subway stop and he can’t get out? No, of course, you didn’t, because nobody saw it. But, uh, it’s like that, and it’s just as annoying. In fact, it’s, uh…like if Keanu Reeves was here acting with me.

(Skinner goes past Bart, making him spin around and be seen wearing a suit)

NC (voiceover): Oh, that’s good, that’s good, okay. I have a suit, you can’t walk fast…’cause, you know, this game’s already going at top notch speed. And I have to walk backwards. Th-That’s…phenomenal. (He sighs again after Bart spins after getting hit by a Jebediah Springfield head again) There’s spinning Tasmanian Devils for whatever reason every time I get hit, I guess. (He sighs again before a brown puddle appears on the road) Oh, hold on. Alright, maybe a pile of shit could help me out. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, no, no, no—(A school bus drives by again, hitting Bart) N-N-NO! AHH!!! Alright. (The brown puddle moves away from Bart) Come here, you ass! What—(He sighs) I just want to go to that puddle of shit…’cause, for some reason, I think that’s gonna help me! C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon! (The brown puddle disappears) OKAY, THAT FUCKING DIDN’T HELP ME AT ALL! YOU’RE SLOWING ME DOWN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! PIECE OF FUCKING BLOW SHIT ASS CHRIST FUCK ASS SHIT SHIT! IT-IT-N—(Another brown puddle appears) Come here! Come here! No! Okay. So I’m in a suit! Just looking for a sheet of homework paper! You know, he just jumps into the sheet of homework paper! Why doesn’t he just pick it up and…you have that count as your reward? I’d be fine with that! I’d be totally cool; it’d totally make the game a lot shorter! I mean, the things in the end, you need, like, eight sheets of paper? I can’t even get one! I know, I-I-I get it, but then I travel into it like some sort of magical adventure. This isn’t magical, this isn’t whimsical, it’s a pain in my FUCKIN’ ASS! Oh, okay, water balloons. Hopefully, that’ll, um, help. What’s this button? (Bart jumps at a small tube, and, for some odd reason, a toilet paper tube-like cylinder briefly covers Bart all over him except his head and squeezes his body) Okay, that was weird. Um, I got rid of the bad guys, so I like that. Uh, can you give me a fucking sheet of paper I’m supposed to jump into?! God! Okay.

(A white arrow points to the left)

NC (voiceover): Oh! I was going the wrong way the whole time! Thank you! That-that little question mark really fucking helped me out! That’s…you got something that says the same thing? Yeah! You know, you just told me that! You get to tell me the exact same direction I was going…(Bart gets squeezed by a cylinder tube again) Okay, th-that thing blew—I DIDN’T PUSH THE BUTTON—! Okay. So I just wasted my ultimate clue-y weapon on nothing. That’s great. (He sighs) My God, you know, it’s…How long did—You know, if I already walked this way to get to the sheet of paper, now it’s telling me to go the other way, doesn’t it just figure that, you know, it’d take just as long to go the other direction? So, really, you’re just…you’re just testing my patience before I turn this game off, and…that’s not the sign of a good game, okay? (He sighs after Bart gets hit by a jumping mailbox) God. It’s hard to jump, too. Like, the jump is always limited to—(Bart jumps and then gets caught in Jimbo’s gang) Oh, that’s great. Now it’s taking me in their direction. Great. That’s great. What the fuck am I supposed to do—GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU LITTLE ASS! I—(Lisa, as a fairy, turns Jimbo and his gang into rats, allowing Bart to become free) …Confusing, but okay. Um, alright, so…(He sighs) still looking for the goddamn homework! (A Jebadiah Springfield head hits Bart, turning the screen mostly white) Oh, my GOD! You see these trees? These trees block, like, everything! How are you supposed to avoid them? (A school bus runs Bart over) No—! Ugh.

(Fade to black before fading in on Bart sleeping on his homework (from a bird’s point of view))

NC (voiceover): Okay. I’m gonna try…one more time. Maybe give people…one more time.

(A sheet of Bart’s homework with a big red “F” written on it is shown)

Bart: Uh-oh.

NC (voiceover): An “F”! An “F”! I-I tried harder that time! I fucking tried harder! You don’t give me—shit, I’m skipping this piece of shit. C’mon! C’mon!

(NC skips the final scene of the Simpson family looking at Bart’s grade on the refrigerator and back into Bart’s dream with Bart falling through the sky and onto the sidewalk before getting up to walk around)

NC (Voiceover): Alright, I’m gonna try one more level. If this level doesn’t give me shit, I am done with it. I’m throwing this game in the fucking trash. YOU BETTER GIVE ME THAT SHEET OF PAPER! (Bart goes for the brown tube) Yeah, take that, I...burpy blue—(A sheet of homework paper flies across the road) there we go. Okay, give me that sheet. Give me that sheet. GIVE ME THAT SHEET!

(Bart jumps onto the sheet of paper, fading to black before fading in on the sheet of paper with two doors colored green and orange respectively and a question mark between them before Bart comes in to approach them)

NC (voiceover): (sighs) Okay, what’s in the green—I haven’t tried the green one. There’s gotta be…this is fucking unbelievable. It better goddamn—

(After going through the green door, the screen fades in on Bart as Godzilla, rampaging through the city)

NC (voiceover): WHOA! Okay, I like this. This is cool. Okay, so you’re Bart, you’re blowing shit up…goddamn…TURN AROUND JUST STRAIGHT UP, fucker! Okay. You can’t turn around…uh, but you can…what, “X” shoots lasers, “A” shoots lasers, “B” shoots lasers, so it’s pretty very laser-dominated. Let’s see—(He thinks Bart gets hit by a flying helicopter) GODDAMNIT! Oh! I can breathe fire. Okay, so I can breathe fire—I’m just gonna keep doing that. Yeah, die, you fucking helicopters, yeah. Okay, this level’s kind of cool; you just go around, uh, blowing shit up. I like this. I can do this. Uh, this is actually pretty s—(Bart seems to get hit by a military jet) GODDAMNIT! (He sighs) Alright, alright, so you’re going around shooting—(Bart aims lasers at its eyes to bring down a helicopter) AH-HA-HA! Get you to stop! Get you to stop! HA-HA-HA! Yeah! Fucking jets think you’re ass. You’re not ass; you’re…fucking shit—(Military tanks shoot at Bart) No! Goddamn! No! Shit! No! Die! Die! Motherfuck, I’m gonna…(He grumbles while continuing to have Bart shoot lasers)…no, no! (He sighs after the army disappears) Okay, I guess every time you get the power plant, that destroys everything. (An elevated train goes past Bart) That’s just a train. Goddamn it. (He sighs again) Let me destroy shit! All I want to do is tear down buildings; is that a crime? (The army returns to shoot at Bart) Okay, okay, no! Shit! Shit! No! Shit! No! God! No! (The screen fades to black, presumably after Bart had been hit too many times) NO! DON’T TAKE ME AWAY! DON’T TAKE ME AWAY—!

(A slight fade in on Bart sleeping on his homework and the blank squares with “Pages Collected” at the bottom of the screen is shown)

(NC grunts hard in frustration)

(Fade to black before fading back in on Bart returning to his dream and walking around)

NC (voiceover): Okay. I’m gonna try and get that level in the game, because that was a pretty cool level. (He sighs) Alright, it seems that every time you start this game—(An old woman blows a kiss at Bart, and he spits in disgust) GOD! Every time you start this game, they give you this sheet of paper right away. Then every single time you come back, like, you have try a little harder to get it. You know what? Fuck it. I don’t care if it’s a Let’s Play. I’m gonna fast forward. I’m an editor. Watch! (NC fast forwards the game to Bart noticing a sheet of homework paper on the sidewalk) Ha-Ha! Power to the fucking editor, huh? Okay.

(Bart has jumped onto the paper, fading the screen to black; fade back in on the sheet of paper with two doors colored green and blue respectively and a question mark between them before Bart comes in to approach them)

NC (voiceover): Here we go. There we go. Now we’re gonna do this Godzilla shit again. (Bart goes for the green door on the left) We’re gonna prove I know what the fuck I’m doing.

(After going through the door, the screen fades in on Bart as Godzilla, rampaging through the city again)

NC (voiceover): You’re going down…Tokyo York, whatever this is. Okay, I’m just gonna blow every fucking thing—(Bart shoots lasers at a helicopter) YEAH! YOU DIE! YOU DIE AND GO TO HELL! (Bart shoots lasers at various buildings) Oh, oh, oh, you think you’re so tough? You think you’re so tough? OH, OH, YEAH, you’re not so tough against FIRE, are you? HA! I don’t know what I’m doing there, it sort of sounds like an Asian gangster or something, I don’t know. (Bart gets hit by a military tank) Oh, Goddamn! Okay. Focus on the game, Giant Reptile Bart. Focus on the game. You’re blowing shit up. You’re angry. You’re a very angry dinosaur, ‘cause you’re in a city and…nobody loves you. Okay. So…(He sighs)…the only reason long periods of time—(Bart shoots lasers at a flying military jet) GOT THAT SHIT! You got long periods of time when nothing attacks you, and then, like, a bajillion things attack you. I can never get that fucking train. No, goddamn it. Okay. Ow. Delayed reaction there. (He sighs) So you’re going around; something you can do is that you can technically shoot down at those helicopters flying, because you can see them coming at the bottom. Let’s see if I can do it again. (Bart gets hit by military tanks before he shoots them with his lasers) Oh, geez, GOD! (He sighs again) It’s a little confusing, because every button does something, so you really have to know exactly what every button does, see? Like…y-you just missed that, but I digress—Ah! It shoots the planes? Okay, I didn’t know that. Alright, I’m gonna see where this level goes. I will complete one of these levels, or I will die trying, which I guess is the purpose, but still! No! Shoot, shoot, goddamn it, shoot the thing, shoot the damn thing, oh, my God, LOOK HOW MANY OF THESE ARE COMING AT YOU! How are you supposed to hit them all? D-D-D-D-Die! Die, die! Oh, wow, look at that! All I had to hit, like, five of those helicopters! (Bart tries to shoot at a passing train, but it misses) Ah! (NC sighs) Okay, just shoot, shoot, shoot, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT! HA-HA! Ah-ha! What’s that? What’s that? DIE, you fucker—!

(After Bart gets hit enough times, he shrinks away, disappearing before the screen fades to black)

NC (voiceover): THE FLYING FUCK—!

(Dissolve back to Bart (as Godzilla) holding page 1 of his sheet of homework)

NC (voiceover): Oh, hey! I won. Okay, I don’t get it, but, uh, I’ll take it! I want one! HA!

(Fade to black before fading back in on Bart (as Godzilla) falling down the side of a tall building before clinging onto it and climbing upward)

NC (Voiceover): Alright, now what? I’m climbing. I guess they’re showing me now I’m climbing this shit, okay. Okay, well, I can do this. So, uh…what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to eat these people or something? Let’s try and eat this person.

(Bart climbs over a person at a window, but that does nothing)

NC (voiceover): Okay, I tried to eat the—okay, no. Okay, I’m just climbing a building. Exciting, huh? Yeah, I’m, uh, I’m fucking riveted by this. So you’re still climbing, let’s see if I can—(A woman drops an object, falling onto Bart and making him fall several stories) GAHH! Alright, that was—(A man drops an object on Bart, making him fall a few stories again) BULLSHIT!

(Marge (as Mothra) flies in, looking angry)

NC (voiceover): Oh, hey, my mom’s gonna help me here, I think. (Marge comes in contact with Bart, making him fall a few stories again) G-G-GOD! M-My…MY MOTHER IS TRYING TO ATTACK ME! This really is a Freudian dream! What the hell?! (He sighs) Okay, I’m gonna try one of the buttons here. (A button is pressed, making Bart change colors briefly) Okay, so that does that…(Marge flies in again) ‘Kay, use it on the…my mom here—(Marge hits Bart, making him fall again) NO! Alright, come here, you fucking bitch. Okay, so….I can do this. I don’t know what it does, but I can do it. All the buttons seem to do that. No, no, nonononononono—(Marge flies in, hitting Bart again) GAH! (He grunts in frustration) How am I supposed to avoid her? She just comes out and…takes up the whole screen! (He sighs) Why is she trying to kill me, anyway? That’s so fucking messed up. Alright, so climb up this…(Marge flies in again) No, no, no, look out, look out, look out—(Marge hits Bart again) G’OH!! Okay, no—(Bart gets hit by a falling anvil, making him fall further down a little) D’OOH! (He sighs) Alright, so this level’s a pain in the ass! They’re all a pain in the ass! THIS GAME’S A PAIN IN THE ASS! Just let me get to—(Marge flies in again) No, no, okay, keep going down, okay, maybe this—(Bart moves aside, climbing up the side on the piping) Ah-HA! Ah-ha! Humping the pipe; that’s the secret, okay. (Bart is seen falling below the screen, making the screen fading to black) No—!

(Fade back in on Bart sleeping face first on his homework with only one page collected out of eight under the “Pages Collected” subtitle)


(NC takes the video game cartridge out, throws it on the floor, takes a butcher knife and throws it down on the cartridge)


(Cut quickly to black before we hear a thud)

NC: (holds the camera to his face) Fuck this noise, man! I’m going back to movie reviews next week! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I’M NEVER DOING ANOTHER GODDAMN GAME AGAIN! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! “BART’S NIGHTMARE,” YOU ARE AN ANUS! (He brings the camera down on the floor, covering it before bringing it to his face again) D’YAHHHHH! (He brings the camera down to the floor one last time, covering it)


Channel Awesome Tagline—Bart: Uh-oh.

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